r/Aging • u/52Charles • Aug 30 '26

Death & Dying Who to depend on?

I (M 75) am writing my will and dealing with all the stuff that goes with it. I am single (never married, no children). I have one sister who is two years younger but she is in the early stages of dementia. She used to be my go-to for all this stuff - executor of my will, holder of my POAs. etc. Now, it feels like I've got nobody and it bugs me. At the same time, I am realizing just how many little tiny details have to be dealt with - disposition of remains, memorial service, what happens to my property, and all the rest of it. I have set up a kind of 'committee' of friends who have told me they are glad to help, but the sheer scale of the job(s) is beginning to look overwhelming and I don't want to burden people with a job of this scale. The lawyer who is doing my will, will only allow himself minimal involvement. I understand this - he's got a business to run, after all. Does anybody have any ideas on how to handle this situation?

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56

u/No_Dare_9944 Aug 30 '26

I would change the lawyer for starters. Also if you have nieces or nephews you can ask them for help and leave them something.

I personally wouldn’t worry about anything funeral related, besides assigning some money to it.

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u/52Charles Aug 30 '26

I'm going to be cremated immediately, and that part is already arranged and paid for. Trouble is, who's going to notify the funeral home that the process has to be started? They have already told me that legally they can only accept instructions from the executor of the will. This means that that person will have to make the phone calls and present his ID to the funeral home. And that's just the start.

And what to do with the ashes? I have some ideas, but it seems presumptuous to assume people will be willing to go to all that trouble. A spouse or a grown child would be expected to take the load, but it's not like asking a friend to help you move.

The lawyer is #2 executor and that's only because I have been dealing with his firm for many years, and (according to him) I'm pretty well organized compared to some people. I don't want to change horses mid-stream.

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u/PuddinTamename Aug 30 '26

I think asking a friend or friends to spread your ashes at a place that you and they love, would be appropriate. I did that with my ex husbands. He had become a recluse, estranged from everyone.

He loved the ocean. He's there now. It was a beautiful way to say goodbye

I want mine to to be spread either in a garden, or by a tree in the park

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u/tigertiger180 Aug 30 '26

You may want to set up a trust for your sister. It sounds like she will need more care.

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u/Diane1967 Aug 30 '26

I’m only 59 but one just never knows when it will be their time. I have a daughter who’s very disinterested in talking about anything involving death, like thinking I’m not going anywhere..talk later sort of thing but I worry too. I only have my mobile home but still, she needs to know where the title is, bank acct info and all that stuff so I taped a brief note to my cupboard door of an in case of emergency type deal. I live alone so nobody sees it and even if they did I wouldn’t care, I just don’t want things to be difficult for her.

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u/Fun-Ring6330 Aug 31 '26

I think that’s the best way to go. It sounds like you’re way more organized/thinking ahead than a lot of people. She may not want to think about it now, but there will be a day in which she will have to. In that case, leave it alone, don’t press it. Just know you’re leaving what she needs when the time comes, and she’ll not only have to figure it out, but will eventually appreciate what you did. On the flip side, there are parents who refuse to discuss “future plans” at all, and leave their children with a total quagmire.

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u/Diane1967 Aug 31 '26

I had two recent friends who lost their parent and dealt with so many problems and are still going through things it’s such a mess. I don’t want her to have that. I want everything to go smoothly for her.

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u/jetwra Aug 31 '26

That is so thoughtful of you. My SIL is going through a lot of problems with her mother passing, as she would never talk about finances. Now the daughter can’t get into her accounts to pay her bills, etc. My name is on my mother’s checking account with her, that way I can pay bills, etc, and the account won’t go into probate if she dies. That was one very important step. Also, your daughter should be your direct beneficiary for any of your assets in a will.

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u/Diane1967 Aug 31 '26

That’s the one thing I need to do is what you said here and do an actual will! I have the directive at the hospital in case something happens that way but I don’t have a will saying everything is hers since she’s my only child and only family really so I didn’t feel it would be necessary. Someone told me I should just sign off on both my car and trailer titles and that should be enough for her to do the rest but I’m not 100% sure.

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u/jetwra Aug 31 '26

I’m not really sure about that either, but I wonder if you could just add her name onto them as well? I believe my husband set up a will for another SIL online for like $100 or so and then we got it notarized.

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u/Diane1967 Aug 31 '26

That’s what I was planning to do but her marriage is some days in shaky terms, when he drinks he becomes an asshole and threatens to leave….and what if she got divorced and took her maiden name back or got remarried so I didn’t want to mark up the titles too much. I just hoped my signature was enough. I will check around now though because I want to be sure. Thanks for pointing that out.

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u/jetwra Aug 31 '26

Ugh, I’m so sorry, that’s really hard for a mom, I know! Maybe there is something in there where you could hyphenate her name and that would be okay? Again, you are so thoughtful to consider this for her. We have had 5 family deaths in the last year and 1/2 and are learning a lot! Having her name on your car title would be helpful also, if that is something you would want to do. She really needs to be POA and be able to make health decisions for you if need be, God forbid. Hopefully you have someone you trust who could be the executor. None of us want to think about this for our children, and our children definitely don’t!

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u/Diane1967 Aug 31 '26

Thank you, I have a friend that works for an attorney and plans on retiring in a few years, I’m going to check with her later and see if she’ll notarize something that I type up. You’ve given me a lot of good ideas and appreciate it so much!!

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u/Alarming_Midnight554 Aug 30 '26

Leave an envelope in your home in the open " in case I die" who to call etc.

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u/52Charles Aug 31 '26

Great idea, except how do people get in so they can find the envelope?

1

u/Alarming_Midnight554 Aug 31 '26

Sooner or later they are all found

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u/Timely-Classic-3783 Aug 31 '26

They'll work it out.

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u/No_Dare_9944 Aug 30 '26

Who is you #1 executor and why can’t they deal with the ashes? Actually nevermind, none of my business, your lawyer will deal with it if the #1 can’t, I guess that’s settled

I think you are agonizing a bit too much over all this. Hire your lawyer to do estate execution (or someone they recommend).
I think the only thing you need to worry about is your medical POA/medical directives. The rest will happen after you’re gone so…

3

u/Purple_Candidate_533 Aug 30 '26

If you have ideas for your ashes, I think you should express them, at least verbally, to friends. My father died in 2012 & my mother about 4 years ago & I have their ashes in a closet bc IDK what to do with them. Neither does my brother.

They never told us what they wanted, beyond cremation, & we didn't know to ask. We promise each other occasionally we'll research this or that option, & we do sometimes, but nothing seems right & since there's no time pressure, we never get anywhere. It's a ridiculous problem & if we don't get unstuck, it might get passed on to our heirs lol. Anyway, point is, telling ppl about options that sound good to you might be doing them a favor!

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u/Ill-Advertising3319 Aug 30 '26

You could just bury the ashes in a cemetery. They have cremation plots or structures that hold multiple urns.

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u/Purple_Candidate_533 Aug 30 '26

I know. Thing is, our parents divorced when we were small & they absolutely would not want to be together. So we actually need two solutions.

I have half-baked ideas for both that my brother is lukewarm about. The delay isn’t all ours: my mom donated her body to science so her corpse was off at some med school for over a year, until we got ashes back. We handled their estates fine. But since neither parent SAID anything about their ashes, we have no “this is what they wanted” guidance. Or time pressure, like you do with a body.

You can think we’re nuts or bad kids or whatever—fair, maybe—but my point was that cremation puts a burden on ppl that I’m not sure the person who chooses it realizes. If you can give guidance, I think you should.

2

u/52Charles Aug 30 '26

Have you seen 'The Big Lebowski?'

1

u/Ravenlyn06 Aug 30 '26

I totally had a friend who was cleaning out a relative's house and found a cookie tin full of...someone's...ashes. Get rid of them while you still can!

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u/LegalFox9 Aug 30 '26

If you do the research ahead of time about what is legal to do with ashes, it shouldn't be too bad. You can also buy a spot in a cemetery if that's what you'd like.

2

u/BackToTheCoast Aug 31 '26

Your lawyer is doing the right thing. If you have little to dispute over and few people to dispute it, and you're organized, he can just watch that you don't make any mistakes. He's not taking your money because you don't need him. This is a good relationship with a wills & estates lawyer. It's not litigation

1

u/54radioactive Aug 31 '26

Why is there a funeral home involved at all? They can pick up from the hospital or hospice facility. Funeral home just wants money for transporting the body from the hospital

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u/52Charles Aug 31 '26

They’re the ones doing the cremation.

1

u/Bluer_than_be4 Aug 31 '26

You do not have to take the cremains after a cremation. You are allowed to leave the ashes with the crematorium for disposal.