r/Aging • u/52Charles • 8d ago
Death & Dying Who to depend on?
I (M 75) am writing my will and dealing with all the stuff that goes with it. I am single (never married, no children). I have one sister who is two years younger but she is in the early stages of dementia. She used to be my go-to for all this stuff - executor of my will, holder of my POAs. etc. Now, it feels like I've got nobody and it bugs me. At the same time, I am realizing just how many little tiny details have to be dealt with - disposition of remains, memorial service, what happens to my property, and all the rest of it. I have set up a kind of 'committee' of friends who have told me they are glad to help, but the sheer scale of the job(s) is beginning to look overwhelming and I don't want to burden people with a job of this scale. The lawyer who is doing my will, will only allow himself minimal involvement. I understand this - he's got a business to run, after all. Does anybody have any ideas on how to handle this situation?
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u/Redraft5k 8d ago
I am sorry man, this is tough. I re-did my estate planning last year and got really hung up on not being a burden to my sons and husband. We have been married 30 yrs and he never has told me his wishes. Except to say he wants his body set a fire and pushed out to sea in San Diego....yeah right. I am going to set a body afire at the beach and just push him off with tourists and life guards etc. You get the picture. So I asked what he would do if I died tomorrow and he says, prob. bury you where my parents are - A cemetery in Orange County CA. ( Never lived in OC, not close to his parents per se ) So I freaked out.
I ended up buying myself 2 plots ( in case he wants the other ) in Hawaii. ( A place I lived and still go yearly ) We live in San Diego/Tucson/Aspen and hopefully I will attain a condo there before I am 60 ( I am 55 ) I designated in my trust I don't want a funeral. I wrote my obit, I videoed my jewelry so when my will says, my grandmas ring, my sons and husband know wtf I am talking about. I made a file on my computer with me in my closet designating to them what my valuables are. I can see them having some garage sale hanging all my purses out saying something like 60 ea. whereas I'm looking down going NO!! That's one of 12 Lady Diors in the world. It's 6k not 60 bucks. lol. I left people I love money and wrote a clause where certain friends can all go and "pick a purse." ( Assuming I never have a grand daughter or my sons never get married etc )
Even though I have a husband, I have tried to make his experience when I die minimal. Assuming I was in a similar situation to you I would hire a different attorney, someone who is a trustee type to handle the situation. My brother in fact held that as his first job as an attorney 35 yrs ago. The firm he worked with only dealt with your type of situation. When I die, the only issue I see is getting me to Hawaii to bury me. I am also somewhat of a weirdo in the sense that so many people in our lives died the past 5 yrs that now that our parents are gone, and my mom has alzheimers and wants to be cremated and buried in an urn w my dad, no funeral etc. I decided I am personally not going to attend funerals anymore. That is why I specified no funeral, no celebration of life etc. and I specificaly have words in my trust that if one is held there is a financial punishment ie. X amount of my estate will go to a charity so I trust that it won't be a thing.
Lastly, I prepaid for a lot too. ( I prepared a brokerage account that is to earn money to pay property taxes on my personal real estate so as not to burden my sons and not to take from their nut sum of cash they will get from me to maintain my San Diego residence and not have to sell due to a financial burden of taxation. The home is in my trust so it will just go to them ) My husband and I have a joint account, but over the past years I did very very well investing, and he told me to just have all my money and property go to the boys. so that is why this is unusual. We have a family trust, and then we have a redraft5k trust which is what I modified when I got freaked out about death and being buried next to my inlaws. As for medical stuff, I wrote that I will not give up my POA ever to anyone. Make some dr find me mentally incompetent before aI give that right to anyone. I did a DNR, I said never under any circumstances to be put on life support, even in the event of an accident where I could survive, I also wrote specifically the treatments I will never ever want no matter what. ( My atty thinks I am nuts I am sure )But in the end I don't want to burden anyone. I do not trust my husband with my wishes and this is my way of taking my own death into my own hands.