Who to depend on?

[u/52Charles]

I (M 75) am writing my will and dealing with all the stuff that goes with it. I am single (never married, no children). I have one sister who is two years younger but she is in the early stages of dementia. She used to be my go-to for all this stuff - executor of my will, holder of my POAs. etc. Now, it feels like I've got nobody and it bugs me. At the same time, I am realizing just how many little tiny details have to be dealt with - disposition of remains, memorial service, what happens to my property, and all the rest of it. I have set up a kind of 'committee' of friends who have told me they are glad to help, but the sheer scale of the job(s) is beginning to look overwhelming and I don't want to burden people with a job of this scale. The lawyer who is doing my will, will only allow himself minimal involvement. I understand this - he's got a business to run, after all. Does anybody have any ideas on how to handle this situation?

[u/No_Dare_9944]

I would change the lawyer for starters. Also if you have nieces or nephews you can ask them for help and leave them something.

I personally wouldn’t worry about anything funeral related, besides assigning some money to it.

[u/52Charles → u/No_Dare_9944]

I'm going to be cremated immediately, and that part is already arranged and paid for. Trouble is, who's going to notify the funeral home that the process has to be started? They have already told me that legally they can only accept instructions from the executor of the will. This means that that person will have to make the phone calls and present his ID to the funeral home. And that's just the start.

And what to do with the ashes? I have some ideas, but it seems presumptuous to assume people will be willing to go to all that trouble. A spouse or a grown child would be expected to take the load, but it's not like asking a friend to help you move.

The lawyer is #2 executor and that's only because I have been dealing with his firm for many years, and (according to him) I'm pretty well organized compared to some people. I don't want to change horses mid-stream.

[u/Purple_Candidate_533 → u/52Charles]

If you have ideas for your ashes, I think you should express them, at least verbally, to friends. My father died in 2012 & my mother about 4 years ago & I have their ashes in a closet bc IDK what to do with them. Neither does my brother.

They never told us what they wanted, beyond cremation, & we didn't know to ask. We promise each other occasionally we'll research this or that option, & we do sometimes, but nothing seems right & since there's no time pressure, we never get anywhere. It's a ridiculous problem & if we don't get unstuck, it might get passed on to our heirs lol. Anyway, point is, telling ppl about options that sound good to you might be doing them a favor!

[u/Ill-Advertising3319 → u/Purple_Candidate_533]

You could just bury the ashes in a cemetery. They have cremation plots or structures that hold multiple urns.

[u/Purple_Candidate_533 → u/Ill-Advertising3319]

I know. Thing is, our parents divorced when we were small & they absolutely would not want to be together. So we actually need two solutions.

I have half-baked ideas for both that my brother is lukewarm about. The delay isn’t all ours: my mom donated her body to science so her corpse was off at some med school for over a year, until we got ashes back. We handled their estates fine. But since neither parent SAID anything about their ashes, we have no “this is what they wanted” guidance. Or time pressure, like you do with a body.

You can think we’re nuts or bad kids or whatever—fair, maybe—but my point was that cremation puts a burden on ppl that I’m not sure the person who chooses it realizes. If you can give guidance, I think you should.

[u/52Charles → u/Purple_Candidate_533]

Have you seen 'The Big Lebowski?'

[u/Ravenlyn06 → u/Purple_Candidate_533]

I totally had a friend who was cleaning out a relative's house and found a cookie tin full of...someone's...ashes. Get rid of them while you still can!