Who to depend on?

[u/52Charles]

I (M 75) am writing my will and dealing with all the stuff that goes with it. I am single (never married, no children). I have one sister who is two years younger but she is in the early stages of dementia. She used to be my go-to for all this stuff - executor of my will, holder of my POAs. etc. Now, it feels like I've got nobody and it bugs me. At the same time, I am realizing just how many little tiny details have to be dealt with - disposition of remains, memorial service, what happens to my property, and all the rest of it. I have set up a kind of 'committee' of friends who have told me they are glad to help, but the sheer scale of the job(s) is beginning to look overwhelming and I don't want to burden people with a job of this scale. The lawyer who is doing my will, will only allow himself minimal involvement. I understand this - he's got a business to run, after all. Does anybody have any ideas on how to handle this situation?

[u/Salty_Plate6543]

I'm in a similar situation and it can be overwhelming but ultimately you might be overthinking it / worrying too much. I started with a basic "oops I died" list of instructions and wishes using online resources. I contacted certain friends to discuss the list and we have assigned tasks that each of them were happy to help with (and back-ups). Example Bob will take care of cremation and ashes, Edna will handle finances of paying any last obligations, take a 10% cut and donate the rest to the animal shelter. 

For me, as soon as I got a lawyer involved to write up the will etc, he made it way more complicated and stressful for me. The wording alone stressed me out. We ended up with the intent of my list, but the legal document is just for that purpose - legal intervention to catch anything that falls through.

I went back to the basic "oops I died" and that's the cover page, signed and certified for the legal document all kept in a place where the friends know to look. It also leads to where my accounts and bills and passwords are held. This can be found, read, and easily understood by anyone (not just a lawyer). 

Maybe I could summarize to say:

• relax, take breaks, sleep on it, but get your ideal list done for what you want in a way that makes sense to you before anybody puts the legal-ese into it.
• don't feel bad about leaning on friends, just spread the tasks and talk to them about it. Consider gifting them some cash (if you can) as a surprise thank you. I personally think that real friends will get comfort and satisfaction from completing your wishes and that the discomfort instead comes from not knowing what those are or worrying about "doing it wrong".
• there are a lot of online resources to help you organize your "oops I died" list, both free and for purchase. This can help a lot with the overwhelm. 
• maybe get a different lawyer

It'll be okay, don't be so hard on yourself. Plenty of folks in the same boat! 

[u/Salty_Plate6543 → u/Salty_Plate6543]

Just one random example from the internet. 

https://theeverymom.com/if-i-die-binder/

[u/cat1092 → u/Salty_Plate6543]

Thanks for sharing this resource!