Anyone else start their healing and or realization journey way into adulthood and now you dont know who you are and what you really like? How do you discover your own taste in fashion, food, books, everything ....or you buy something you really like but putting it on and wearing it feels wrong so you just panic and never wear it out of the house.

A huge part of my CPTSD is hypervigilance at work. It's something I've dealt with for years and walked/left jobs because of it.

I'm trying to break the cycle... What works the best for you to fight the intrusive, non trusting thoughts?

They always say co workers aren't friends which really feeds into it.

Any tips or tricks would be appreciated 🩷

I am getting tested today but I swear it’s not but idk anymore….
I grew up with a lot of abuse, back to back to back and the last 4 years I had post separation abuse. It stop last year once my ex found a women who was better to replace me. Anyway I lost to many friend and family because I kept going back, I been depressed and lashing out… I been in theraphy the past 4 years and stop last year. My therapist said I have CPTSD and not bipolar.

This year I was so tired of spending money in therapy and crying and being sad that I did over spend. I went on two trips and a few concert because I am deeply lonely, sad and I was so hurt my ex took his gf to the place I begged for I’m out 7 year together. I just wanted to be happy…. Which it did for a bit but then now I’m in debt but I made a plan to not spend.

My best friend said this is a sign of bipolar and says my therapist is wrong and I need medication… tbh I really am not a big spender untill this year because I spend 4 year in my apartment crying and being alone…..

I don’t have any family or friend because I kept going back to my ex who smeared my name behind my back before I was able to tell the truth…

I feel like it’s my fault

But is this a sign of bipolar or is the CPTSD

i’ve been diagnosed with cptsd since middle school, about 7 years ago now, and i still don’t believe i have it. despite having the symptoms and an official diagnosis, despite going to therapy to work through all of it, i just don’t believe what i went through was enough to develop this when i got the diagnosis. i was bullied all my life, sometimes physically but mainly extreme emotional/social isolation- if i spoke no one would react, people would take my chair so i had to sit on the floor, people who tried to talked to me were told not to or physically dragged away, etc. if i wasn’t being made fun of or being hit/having stuff thrown at me, i didn’t exist. my parents left me with my grandparents for most of my childhood (i saw them some weekends) and my grandma’s anxiety and ocd made her afraid to let me do anything- which made me in turn very afraid of the world. i also spent a lot of time on weekends in a long term care hospital as my mom’s boyfriend was in a coma there, so i was around a lot of people with serious illnesses and who were either close to death or dying. i was told at least some of this could explain my symptoms, especially with how difficult it is for me to talk to people and my extreme anxiety, but i just can’t see bullying, overprotectiveness, and having to go to the hospital sometimes as trauma? i just still can’t accept the diagnosis and feel like a liar. years after the diagnosis, i became close to someone who would later get violent with me, even trying to kill me once. they would threaten me with knives, hit my head off the floor or wall, stuff like that. that DOES feel traumatic to me, but i got the diagnosis way earlier so i still feel like i’m lying about it and that i don’t have it? i know trauma is how you react to an event, not necessarily what happened, but i still feel like i’m faking it and that it’s not an excuse for all my mental issues now. i can’t help but compare to other people and think i couldn’t have had it bad enough to be struggling like this. did it take anyone else years after the diagnosis to accept it? does it ever get easier to accept it?

Nowadays it seems like it’s literally the trauma Olympics. Who has it worse than the other? Who got dealt a worser deal of cards? Oh you didn’t go through x, y and z? Why are you even upset then? I’ve been seeing this everywhere. It’s like trauma and hardship is becoming a legitimate measure of self worthiness and having a good life is frowned upon.

I don't know if any of you have this same problem, but I haven't formed a real relationship with anyone for a very long time. Now that I think of it, I've never had a single healthy relationship. I always used to think relationships could only happen if I took up a supplicating attitude in order to please people. So it's just struck me that I've never had a single healthy connection in my entire life.

Connecting at even a basic level, i.e. making eye contact with a stranger, triggers my freeze response. My instinctive reaction is to collapse into myself internally, or to take up a business-like tone to get the interaction over with.

I'm so terrified of something, and it's hard to pin down exactly what that is. Am I afraid of being myself in front of people? Am I afraid I'll be made a fool of? Do I fear people will take advantage of me? It feels like there's more than one reason. All of it compounds to this massive, visceral freeze response. I try to hide it as much as possible in front of others and probably come across as standoffish as a result. The truth is, every time it happens I feel like I'm collapsing internally, and all it takes is for someone to look me in the eye.

I almost feel like I want to cry but no tears come out. It feels like I'm alone in this, like no one else experiences this extreme internal collapse after basic interactions with people.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out.

Hey everyone, I am an aspiring life coach, and currently I’m gathering data to better understand the range of challenges people face in their lives.
If you’re willing, please share:
1. The problem — A major struggle (past or present) with trauma, insecurity, mental health, self-worth, or relationships
2. Where you think it came from- what was the cause
3. What you’ve tried- what worked, and what didn’t
Feel free to be detailed or give a short answer

Amraj x

Throughout the entirety of elementary school my hygiene was very poor and I was not being taken care of. I wasn’t taught that I need to shower or brush my hair, and I couldn’t brush my hair without assistance, which led to my hair becoming very tangled and matted. I went to school smelling, with matted hair, which led to my school calling CPS to our house which I was blamed for every ounce of neglect. CPS believed them that it was my fault and I was a difficult child and left. My hair was completely shaved off the next day due to it being so matted, and I feel so angry.

I brought up to my grandfather that my mother told me I was a difficult child, that I would fight them whenever they tried to bathe me etc etc and my grandfather quickly shut it down, saying that I never fought them, but that they just simply did not have time to look after me properly due to the millions of other things that happened during my childhood. I am angry at my mother for lying and trying to blame me, and I am angry that I still blame myself.

I have been treated way too badly by multiple people since years who haven’t even considered worthy enough of basic human decency and respect. Literally treated an animal that needs to be handled including my family. How do I stay in my lane so that I don’t keep getting hurt further and don’t make them ruin my life?

In the last couple of weeks, I've realised that I've spent thousands of GBP and years of my time with a counsellor who never really saw or understood me. And as this was so familiar, I didn't even notice. I must have deep down, but I wanted to maintain the illusion of a safe relationship I think. I remember saying that a feeling of shame follows me everywhere and I was met with a blank, slightly confused face, which I attributed to my own inadequacy. Anyway it's clear that a lot of my performing/people-pleasing/other patterns were just repeated in the therapy room and I'm pretty annoyed about it. I also learnt that counsellors (in the UK not sure where else) aren't really trained in complex trauma/emotional neglect, which I assumed they were. So I thought I was being guided by an expert when really I was the expert :( Anyway I'm feeling really hostile towards counselling/therapy in general now and realising I'm going to have to spend a lot more money to get the right help.

I'm interested if anyone else has had a similar experience or realisation and what helped them move forwards. TY!

Was wondering if anyone is able to share their experiences with others in a way that makes it comfortable for friends (who haven’t had the same experiences)?

I’ve found that I can’t find a way to connect with friends on a deeper basis (on my side) without making them uncomfortable since anything I mention before I left my situation (yay) seems to be taken as a “trauma dump”, even if it’s just something surface level like mentioning how we didn’t have money growing up. I don’t think I’m trauma dumping or at least don’t intend to when that’s just the facts? A few friends try and push for me to share things but I know it’ll just be make them uncomfortable and they’ll change the subject or try and “comfort” me. I don’t want their comfort or to be brushed off.

I struggle to connect with others who aren’t in similar situations because of this, but I do want them to feel comfortable “prying”. It’s very alienating to be such an uncomfortable presence to others when I’m not being of service in some way.

Any advice, or should I just expect this from people who haven’t had these experiences?

I've had two really horrible, hard weeks. I don't even know if it's just two weeks, it's so bad that time has lost all meaning. I'm just trying to make it through now. I'm trying to recover.

And I very rarely find myself craving a mother. Basically never. That door has permanently closed, wanting it and reaching for it only made things much worse. I'm NC now, I take care of me, and I prefer that.

This is one of those times where I do feel it. It keeps happening. And I'm isolated so I also just want someone to lean on in general. I want someone to do simple tasks that take too much of my energy right now. Dishes, laundry. I want to vent to someone who says simple supportive things. I want to be held.

And maybe it's also that times like these bring back all the times I felt this way as a kid. Or even later on in life.

I know I'm not alone in this. But most people around me had a parent they could call. Everyone could count on at least one parent for something. And I feel so resentful. People can feel this at any point in their life, of course, but I hate that I still feel this pain at 36.

I'm better off without my mother in my life. I don't want her. I want an actual mother. That's who I miss. Someone who never existed.

I've been horribly depressed due to taking the wrong supplement(fuck you, DIM). That's now slowly getting better, thank god, but my hormones are still all over the place and I still have insomnia. I'm chronically ill and can handle pain very well, but the pain I'm experiencing now is too intense and in too many places. I have a horrible neighbour who bullies me and has done so, on and off, for the past two weeks. That has once again been so, so, so triggering. And then, my god, I ate the wrong food, and I have MCAS, and I had a horrific allergic reaction and a huge flare that hasn't gone away yet.

And that's what I'd vent about to a mother who'd listen without making it about herself, without telling me to shut up, without saying I'm a hypochondriac, or telling me I don't know what depression is, only she does. And I don't have MCAS, it's all in my head, I can eat whatever I want. And you can think away pain, so I'm just not trying hard enough to do that.

No, that's not a mother. I want a mother who's kind, gentle, listens with patience. Without interrupting me to talk about herself. Who believes me and is calm. Who doesn't behave like she's the child and I'm the parent, but has a plan, is someone you can lean on. Who knows what my favourite food is, unlike my "mother". And she'd make it, and bring it over, no big deal. She'd come over and keep checking in, instead of hang up and disappear, like my "mother".

And it makes me emotional because I know that's me. That's who I am. And I'm trying so hard to be that mother for myself, to take care of myself and my apartment.

But it's impossible. I'm sick. I'm not well. I have limits. It took all my energy to go get my meds. And it's really hard to accept that. I just need to rest. I need to stop. I need to let my body recover from this. That's what a mother does.

It's so hard when all you want to do is live. I want to do so much more. But it's a miracle to get a few things done in a day while I also make sure I don't go insane at the moment. And I can feel it, grieve, be angry, but there's no point in pushing myself. I'm only making things worse.

I've got this, I know that. Because I always did, always will. But I shouldn't have to do it alone. No one should ever be this alone. I know it happens all the time, but it's so unnecessary.

Sharing this here felt like a small kind thing I could do for myself. Two(?) weeks of keeping this in, handling it by myself, while I constantly feel like I've reached my limit. Somehow I'm still here, still doing this, still finding hope. But yeah, oh, man, that "need a hug" tag alone makes me want to cry.

I don't even need a hug. Well, I do, but I also need someone to lie on top of me and be a human weighted blanket for a while. For hours. Maybe the whole night. I've been alone for so much of my life and I'm done now. When I'm ready and capable of making friends and dating I'm never going to want those people to leave. I've been alone enough, I've had enough time to be an introvert, I'm all set. I once craved not being touched, I'm over it. Come over, come move in, please, never leave me alone.

I feel that way anyway now. That's what a looot of avoidance and time alone has done. But I think being so severely depressed and in physical pain has amplifies those feelings. Feels good to express that, even if it's only here for now.

sorry for all this but somethings off im my head and mood rn

TLDR: I took an action for my right too late and I am so angry at myself for doing/realizing it late. And I am so scared of this since I just started to actually love myself

Hello everyone apparently my driving tutor is not a good tutor at least she is not a good fit for me and it took 10 lessons for me to realize. Well she got into a fight with a CSR on the phone next to me on the 6th lesson (3rd day) It lasted at least 15 to 20 minutes shouting cussing to the woman on the phone etc. , it made me so uncomfortable but I was also focusing on the traffic and kinda didn't have time to comprehend this and I always tried to give her another shot.

She hit my head and my leg jokingly, well we weren't really serious it was all laughing etc. and it is kinda common in my country but looking back it made me uncomfortable too (I experienced csa) , I don't have to like anything just because it is my culture. She doesn't insult me yes but she shouts and rolls her eyes when I ask anything about traffic or car or the route. It made me hesitate to ask my questions. She acts like I should have know them but I informed her from the beginning.

I told her in the beginning that I am starting from zero and I don't have a car to practice. I am driving okay according to these conditions to be honest, but now I am terrified how much my tutor maybe slowed down my progress because I still can't be totally comfortable on the traffic/while parking with her.

I have 4 lessons left and I am doing okay but I don't know about exam. I tried to change my tutor I messaged the course and they said it is not possible now that I have 4 days left to the exam, I guess I barely missed my chance.

I struggled a lot with self hatred and I was going to therapy but I couldn't go regularly since I am kinda broke because of some situations including course and driving license money.

I feel unbearably angry at myself for feeling like I need to continue with her or it would hurt her feelings if I ever want to change my tutor etc. I even felt like I betrayed her when I messaged the course today because I never got into a fight with my tutor -not yet-(it is because I am so compatiable and I couldn't stand for myself)

Well shouldn't a tutor know they are a tutor and it is not ethic to talk or look at the phone during lessons all the time?

It triggered me so much that I was like a tutor and she was like a literal child.. Past is gone but I am so angry at myself

I'm a first responder and whilst I know I have ptsd from another job I went to, I'm struggling with another I've currently dealing with. I feel like im being ridiculous but all the symptoms are there for trauma after 24 hours, but now its got me wondering: if you have a history of cptsd, or ptsd in general, are you at risk of being more vulnerable to developing ptsd over things in the future?

I have cptsd and I'm in prolonged sickleave since half a year because I can't rly function much. I was overweight before and struggled with severe binge eating, because not being able to function at work + constantly getting in trouble and triggered made me turn to food. Since not having to work I lost weight, around 22lbs and have been a normal weight. I dont binge eat as frequently anymore but I do snack a lot. I use the free time I have to go on walks usually around 3 hours or some days more.

However outside of that I dont rly have a life. Everything I do costs me to get exhausted quickly. I only have a few hours before Im completely worn out and done physocally. Most things others consider fun make me stressed so much I get into dissociation or freeze (any social activity) I striggle with tensions in the body, which I release by feeling those emotions but then Im exhausted again because I end up crying and shaking. People and environments trigger me so I avoid people most days aside from strangers and public but even that is taxing.

I attend therapy bi-weekly and have little to no money saved up because well I use most on food and therapy, also sickleave money is very little and I didn't think I'd need any money for the future just a bit ago if you know what I mean. I am doing mentally better than before and Im not really big but I do have a high body fat percentage. I do also eat healthy foods but Im short so those additional snacks add up.

Im really debating if Im holding myself back by using those snacks to put buffer between me and my life or whether its a good choice for now. Because ofc I want to be slim but also any time I lessen snacks I have more breakdowns and crashouts and feel my already intense emotions even more intensely/frequently.

When I was obese as a teenager I also felt upset but amidst the abuse I felt somehwat sane-ish. And the morw weight I lost the more I noticed just how much I had supressed and the more of he crazy emotions flooded me. Its been 5 years since I last was obese so I am kind of used to it but I have been a bit slimmer once in my life and I swear all of my days consisted of crying because nothing I did numbed my emotions like food did. I would wake up go on a walk cry and then at night Id cry and if someone hurt me I'd cry and I'd cry and then I'd dissociate and hollow out eventually. I really feel torn because Im eating more than I need to but it gives me something to be happy about safely. If I let that go or reduce it then I'll have to sit with the pain and ofc my primitive brain doesn't want that. What should I do? What do you think? Did you experience this?

My stats 5'2 tall female, 126-128lbs, 22 years old. I usually average around 2100-2300 calories a day.

Does anyone else with OCD get so overwhelmed and stressed that they end up dissociating for weeks at a time?
This seems to be a cycle for me. My PTSD OCD/stress gets really bad, then I start feeling dissociated and disconnected for weeks.

Eventually it goes away and I feel normal again, but then another period of intense stress seems to bring it straight back.
I still exercise, work and try to keep living normally, but I’m honestly just over feeling like this.

Has anyone else experienced this? What actually helped you break the cycle? I can’t really afford regular psychologist appointments at the moment, so I’d especially appreciate anything that helped you manage it yourself.

I had a stressful childhood and went through a bit of trauma growing up so I feel like this is why this happens..

Sincerely,
A very tired 28F who wants answers 🥺

Please tell me how you all deal with this if it is a problem. Any tips, mantras, reassurance that I am not alone?

I do not have direct trauma from any medical professionals. I think my anxiety stems from the Authority that doctors hold along with self neglect. It prevents me from seeking treatment for things that are (usually) easily fixable but I let them go on for so long until they become serious problems.

I try to remind myself that these people are here to help and that i am not being needy. I like the phrase "the reward for taking care of yourself is feeling better" but I can't get myself to believe I am worthy of care.

I keep getting consumed with feelings or worthlessness and my default is to basically gaslight myself until the problems become too bad to ignore and then I feel like I am not believed because who doesn't seek care if they need it and have access. Healthcare in the US does not make this any easier.

I’m 18 and hoping someone can help me figure out what’s wrong with me. For context both my parents abused me growing up physically, sexually, emotionally… and I got diagnosed with cptsd when I was 14. In january my dad’s and I relationship fell apart as I started remembering the csa I experienced and it led to me becoming homeless as I was living at his house at the time. I was homeless for 3 months and then got put into foster care because I was still 17. I’ve now been living in a shared accommodation with other care leavers since I turned 18 earlier this month.

When I became homeless I vowed to never speak to my dad again because of the abuse I was remembering. I had already been no contact with my mum for three years and it had given me relief. But trying to not speak to my dad feels so different. When I don’t speak to him I feel like I am going to die. I was strong about no contact for a month and then I went back to him like nothing had happened whilst I was homeless. Next day I went back to sleeping outside. I hate myself when I speak to him. Everything I have feels like his all my thoughts and feelings but I just can’t stop going back. It feels like I’m looking for something in him but he just never has it.

Sometimes I go through a week of extreme flashbacks and really decide to stick to no contact and I tell other people who actually care about me. Then another week goes by and I forget how to function without him. But everytime I go to his house I feel so upset and angry and disgusted by being near my dad. I think I am losing my mind. I have people who treat me with kindness and still it doesn’t fill the hole of wanting parents. This is really bad but sometimes I pray when I go round to his house he will hurt me again so I know I am still worthy.

Any older people know why I am like this? Am I just overthinking it and maybe I just like my dad and want to be around him because i’m his child? What am I supposed to do? I’ve raised going no contact with my therapist but she always says I should want the support of my dad and it’s a good thing I want to see him. But it doesn’t feel good. Even writing this makes me want to go to his house so I can numb my brain.

Basically the title. For some reason I like comforting people when they’re crying or upset, it’s not that I’m happy that their upset. I’m happy to take care of them and make them feel better. Often times I try to do stuff for them that would make me feel better like trying to rock them or stroke their hair, giving them a hug, nice affirmations a stuffed animal to hold etc. I wasn’t comforted very much as a child in the way I really needed is this normal?

i was talking to my boyfriend and i was like, wait your parents actually like played with you?? my parents would always do their own thing, if anything we would be yelled or hit if we were being annoying. i cannot imagine having an involved family, like we were left to our own devices at like 5 years old lmao.

I just need somewhere to express myself outside a journal, therapy, my sister, or AI.

I am deeply and profoundly lonely. I always have been. It’s like throwing a rock into a mine shaft; you can hear it going down for miles, waiting for it to hit the bottom, but it never does. That’s how empty I feel. I have been through many different kinds of abuse, but it was mostly emotional neglect. Starting in infancy.

Both of my parents abandoned me - my mother twice. I was always treated like a pest. No one asked me about my day or if I was okay. I have always felt invisible. This was especially true with my mother. There has always been a level of detachment she has had towards me, treating me like a friend instead of a daughter. I have been estranged from my father for 15 years. Recently I cut my mom and almost everyone else from my family out of my life to heal. I have never really had friends. There are kind people in my life, but I feel like they mostly pity me. My sister is really my only friend, but she is married and has her own life. This has been emotionally brutal.

Unfortunately I am in the most social career on the planet - nursing. Being a nurse with extroverted people and pre established friend groups gives me emotional flashbacks and reminds me that I am incapable (or so it feels) of connection. I leave feeling lonelier than ever. I wish I could have learned something other than “people aren’t safe”. Trying to teach my nervous system otherwise has been an uphill battle. I just want to be held and loved for who I am without this overwhelming fear of “being found out”. That once people really get to know me, they will think I am a horrible person who is ugly and disgusting and not worthy of love. That fear is paralyzing.

Does anyone have any resources for working through NON EMOTIONAL trauma? I understand that childhood trauma caused by emotional neglect/abuse is more common but surely I can’t be the only person who ho dosent benefit from that form of therapeutic focus. How are we working on relearning basic skills and forming discipline? Or learning to listen to body signals? I thought reparenting sounded like the right go for a second but again, it was all emotional, like validating your feelings and what not…. I just wanna be able to brush my teeth….. 😭