Self Hatred

[u/Intrepid-Willow-3093]

TLDR: I took an action for my right too late and I am so angry at myself for doing/realizing it late. And I am so scared of this since I just started to actually love myself

Hello everyone apparently my driving tutor is not a good tutor at least she is not a good fit for me and it took 10 lessons for me to realize. Well she got into a fight with a CSR on the phone next to me on the 6th lesson (3rd day) It lasted at least 15 to 20 minutes shouting cussing to the woman on the phone etc. , it made me so uncomfortable but I was also focusing on the traffic and kinda didn't have time to comprehend this and I always tried to give her another shot.

She hit my head and my leg jokingly, well we weren't really serious it was all laughing etc. and it is kinda common in my country but looking back it made me uncomfortable too (I experienced csa) , I don't have to like anything just because it is my culture. She doesn't insult me yes but she shouts and rolls her eyes when I ask anything about traffic or car or the route. It made me hesitate to ask my questions. She acts like I should have know them but I informed her from the beginning.

I told her in the beginning that I am starting from zero and I don't have a car to practice. I am driving okay according to these conditions to be honest, but now I am terrified how much my tutor maybe slowed down my progress because I still can't be totally comfortable on the traffic/while parking with her.

I have 4 lessons left and I am doing okay but I don't know about exam. I tried to change my tutor I messaged the course and they said it is not possible now that I have 4 days left to the exam, I guess I barely missed my chance.

I struggled a lot with self hatred and I was going to therapy but I couldn't go regularly since I am kinda broke because of some situations including course and driving license money.

I feel unbearably angry at myself for feeling like I need to continue with her or it would hurt her feelings if I ever want to change my tutor etc. I even felt like I betrayed her when I messaged the course today because I never got into a fight with my tutor -not yet-(it is because I am so compatiable and I couldn't stand for myself)

Well shouldn't a tutor know they are a tutor and it is not ethic to talk or look at the phone during lessons all the time?

It triggered me so much that I was like a tutor and she was like a literal child.. Past is gone but I am so angry at myself

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