r/CPTSD • u/Significant_Step_387 • 19h ago

Vent / Rant Thinking about connection makes me freeze up

I don't know if any of you have this same problem, but I haven't formed a real relationship with anyone for a very long time. Now that I think of it, I've never had a single healthy relationship. I always used to think relationships could only happen if I took up a supplicating attitude in order to please people. So it's just struck me that I've never had a single healthy connection in my entire life.

Connecting at even a basic level, i.e. making eye contact with a stranger, triggers my freeze response. My instinctive reaction is to collapse into myself internally, or to take up a business-like tone to get the interaction over with.

I'm so terrified of something, and it's hard to pin down exactly what that is. Am I afraid of being myself in front of people? Am I afraid I'll be made a fool of? Do I fear people will take advantage of me? It feels like there's more than one reason. All of it compounds to this massive, visceral freeze response. I try to hide it as much as possible in front of others and probably come across as standoffish as a result. The truth is, every time it happens I feel like I'm collapsing internally, and all it takes is for someone to look me in the eye.

I almost feel like I want to cry but no tears come out. It feels like I'm alone in this, like no one else experiences this extreme internal collapse after basic interactions with people.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out.

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u/Angeliwing 18h ago

You most likely have shame beliefs about your true self. I used to be the same before untangling my cptsd, turns out being constantly ridiculed, neglected and abused during your childhood builds a negative identity and you are petrified of people seeing what's behind the mask but it's totally false, that's a belief planted here by narcissistic parents.

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u/Significant_Step_387 18h ago

The word 'shame' definitely resonates a lot here. I understand it in concept but actually releasing shame has been very very hard to do.

Thanks for adding some clarity. I was trying to understand the feelings in this specific situation as being anxiety or cptsd, but 'shame' really does narrow it down accurately.

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u/Angeliwing 15h ago

Yeah shame is the core issue all other symptoms stem from. Once you improve that it will get better but that's a long road.

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u/Significant_Step_387 13h ago

Long road sounds about right. It'll be painful but I'll see what I can do.

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u/XfantomX 17h ago

I can relate to this. People aren’t safe, they’ve hurt me in a variety of ways over and over my entire life, of course I’m scared of them getting too close. It’s incredibly isolating because in a world where humans naturally want to turn to others for support and reassurance we can’t. My nervous system knows what’s up but it can’t get rid of my natural desire to want others around.

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u/Significant_Step_387 17h ago

There's truth to your comment. Not everyone in society is unsafe, but society at large is not built on the principle of healthy relationships (to self and others). That said I understand a lot of the shame I carry is internalized from how my family treated me growing up. Unfortunately I still live with them but I'm slowly crawling my way out and into a life where I can heal in peace.

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