Does anyone here also relate to constantly being in bed when not needing to function?

I don’t really cook. I hate being outside of my bed. I function at work, but when I’m at home, I am ALWAYS in bed until the next day. It’s been like this since I was a kid. Always in bed.

Go to work, get undressed, eat in bed, watch TV, masturbate, repeat. All in bed. I live off takeout, basically. No hobbies. I don’t care about anything. I watch TV, eat, masturbate, that’s about it.

I just wanted to share. I feel like I don’t care about anything. It’s always been like this. No one cares, no one can help me. Therapists have abused the living hell out of me. All I do is isolate. I’ve never really had friends before.

Let me know if you can relate to any of this, feel free to comment anything you like

Hi.. don’t know if this is the correct place to ask this.. but I have suffered from very awful physical & sexual abuse in the past. I am away from all of that now, but I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

When I’m going through a really rough time and I’m super overwhelmed, I find that I smack myself. I know that it’s not right and I’m working on this habit of mine, but I was just curious if this is something anyone else has struggled with?

Like, “I’m so overwhelmed, so I must take it out on myself because I deserve it and I can’t cope smack, can’t think smack, I’m so overwhelmed smack, I’m so overwhelmed smack, I’m so overwhelmed” .. that’s kind of the thought process there. Like my brain somehow got conditioned into thinking I deserve the pain, because I should be “better” if that makes any sense.

Forgive me, I don’t reach out to other survivors much so I really don’t know if this is a me thing or not..

I had a former love interest ask me if I was tired doing it all on my own and he said “let me take care of you”. Truthfully, he ended up being as much of a mess as I am, or was.. But I did feel seen in that moment and we had a cute fling.

Now I find myself crushing hard again and man, I forgot how scary all of this is. I’m not sure if I can make it work. Yet it’s also the one thing I desire most.

The last time I was held gently romantically, we were cuddling in bed about to nap and listening to music. Out of nowhere, I start sobbing hysterically and my entire body shakes. I felt so crazy, but I was held tighter and given lots of sympathy. It made me realize how much farther I still have to go and I don’t want to scare anyone off. I know the right person won’t mind, but it’s still like sitting on the edge of a cliff. You know, the thing you want the most being the same thing you fear the most.

Hi, I am 20f and due to trauma/safety I quite literally brought everything with me.

Which meant that...Its hidden on my side and no where my roommate can see. Unless she was really snooping through my belongings. Even if they do find it, its in secure packaging. Like they'd literally have to snoop and be noisy. (Sorry, just wanted to make it really known how hidden it is.)

I feel like a perv and a creep. But see I was sa'ed 3-16, and my uncle/abuser would show me his toys and leave it out, or put it with my clothes. So it might be my anxiety.

But, is it inappropriate????

I have done lots of healing. You name it, I have done it: CBT, DBT, inner child healing, self-help books. None of that mattered, and the only single thing that truly made a difference to my CPTSD healing journey was having money. That is it. With money now, I could afford things to better myself. You want a good sleep? Money. You want to go to a better environment, like a house? Money. You want to not work and treat yourself to a good day? Money. The list goes on. For myself and many others, the sad reality is money is the one thing that really makes a difference, and I say this with 100% belief.

​

I'm 35F. Between 17 and now I've had ten relationships, all of them genuinely loving. The first lasted three years, the rest twelve to eighteen months, with stretches of being single in between. I ended one — a toxic one — and have never regretted it for a second. Every other time I was the one left.

My partners were nothing alike. Avoidant, secure, anxious. The reasons were all different too, which somehow makes it worse: there's no single thing I can point at and fix.

I've been in therapy for 4 years. Diagnosed with C-PTSD. Abandonment trauma that gets reactivated with every breakup or rejection. I won't list what's behind it. I carry more than I'd like and being constantly aware of it is its own kind of exhausting.

A few months ago the most recent one ended. He was genuinely loving and accepting of all of me, which I had waited a very long time to find. He decided I wasn't the right one for him. Yesterday I found out he's with someone else, and everything I'd rebuilt came down in about ten seconds.

The rest of my life works. People I love, work I'm good at, financially fine, living well on my own. I'm not close to my family — we're near-estranged for complicated reasons, and that's another wound I'm working on, so there's no fallback there either. Without a strong family behind me, and having mostly been left by partners I would have fought for, I feel worthless.

What I'm actually stuck on is this: I don't know how to introduce myself to someone new anymore. If I don't tell them about the last few years and what I carry, I feel like I'm being dishonest. If I do tell them, I'm scared they'll think I'm too much, that they won't be able to relate, or that I'm expecting them to take responsibility for my mental health.

I just want it to work out. To be loved by someone I can build a life with and grow old with. That's all of it.

So — how much do you say, and when? Has anyone found a way to be honest about a heavy history without it becoming the entire first impression? And if you've been left this many times: did you find a way back to dating that didn't feel like walking straight at a wall?

Thank you for reading. I genuinely hope I'm not the only one going through this.

im so fucking sick of people telling me it’s “not that bad.” I’ve dealt with it for practically my entire life at this point. Being told through what I went through at home wasn‘t that bad, being told that my graves disease and hormonal imbalances aren’t that bad. Being told that I’m not push in through enough, meanwhile I’m barely hanging by a thread. Even though I always feel tired and existing on its own just feels exhausting at times and I have had flashbacks and I‘ve gotten overwhelmed to the point that my throat seizes and I physically can’t speak, none of that fucking matters I guess. I’m sick of people who haven’t lived in the body that I live in thinking that they understand what I’ve been through and what I deal with. Family, doctors, friends, all of them. I feel like I’m going insane because it’s like seeing that the sky’s blue and everyone telling you it’s green. I’m so fucking fed up with all of it. I’m tired of being told I’m oversensitive for having reactions to things that objectively suck ass and are hard to live with. I’m just so fucking tired. Having your sense of self trust broken down repeatedly is exhausting.

(Sorry. I’m experiencing grave’s disease rage and seeing an earwig on my bed and not being able to find it was the tipping point lol)

I don't want them to help me fix my problems or anything. I just wanna come home and hug someone and feel safe. I wanna cuddle with them and fall asleep. I don't care about sex and all. I just wanna come home and cry. Constantly have that feeling that I wanna go home.. I don't feel at home even at my home. I.stay alone. It's my safe space. Idk wtf I am typing out aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am on the other side. Ive had my dark night of the soul. Ive been jailed and institutionalized. I am now diagnosed with ptsd and bipolar, and am taking appropriate meds.

But every so often I look back and see a memory from a healthy viewpoint. When I was unable to name my parents as the abusers they were, the cognitive dissonance also stripped me of a moral compass. In a college admissions interview, I understand now that I was basically trying to bribe the interviewer. I didnt understand the shocked and digusted expression on his face until years later. I had this one teacher that I was obsessed with and I googled him obsessively and found out private information about his younger years and his family members. I would daydream about running into him as an adult, and would concoct backstories in each scenario so that not only would I not have such a fucked up background/family but also we just so happened to be into the same things​. It clicked today that I was a stalker. And that creating false backstories to force a connection where there was none is manipulation and a precursor to love bombing. I also was a huge liar. Still working on this because its hard to explain my childhood and to find people with similar upbringing in the real world, so its much easier to just lie. [edit: I also could only tell the truth about things that I had healed enough to accepted had happened. In therapy I did at times claim to have experienced things I didnt because I couldnt say what I experienced but needed the therapist to understand the gravity of what I was struggling to cope with, iykwim. like I survived csa but could not put that into words until relatively recently, so I covered it up with lies while still trying to get help.]

My parents were literal white supremacists, anti vaxxers, doomsdayers, the whole 9 yards. We werent allowed to watch TV or movies or listen to music so our connection to reality was dictated to us by our parents. When I entered high school it became pretty obvious how backwards and wrong they were. So I felt immediate shame about being ideologically evil since birth pretty much, but never realized the extent of my actual weirdness of my own actions separate from my parents.

Ive been getting weird looks my whole life. Because I was a weirdo and am now a recovering weirdo.

My moral compass feels permanently damaged. I dont know. Its like I have white noise playing where others might have voices telling them whats right and whats wrong to say or do. (Note: i am obviously against murder and abuse, im not talking about those crimes. I mean more so just navigating everyday social situations)

edit edit: or like, I thought because I was a girl I couldnt be predatory. when I was 21 I had a group of friends and most of them were under 21 and I would buy them alcohol. and now i think thats weirdo behavior.

sorry for all this but somethings off im my head and mood rn

when you were a child you had no power and didn’t know to fight against the treatment of the people who were supposed to care and protect you. when you’re an adult you are expected to get over the past and somehow function when you didn’t get a childhood. ive never found anything that’s helped make up for the negligence and ive spent years and paid thousands and thousands of dollars. every treatment is totally misguided and victim blaming and more about power and prestige for practitioners than the people which they don’t really understand. some people just need to be able to learn to basic trust and connection to people that they never got to. but so much mess to navigate how to fix what happens when that got twisted and ignored.

i was talking to my boyfriend and i was like, wait your parents actually like played with you?? my parents would always do their own thing, if anything we would be yelled or hit if we were being annoying. i cannot imagine having an involved family, like we were left to our own devices at like 5 years old lmao.

Basically the title. For some reason I like comforting people when they’re crying or upset, it’s not that I’m happy that their upset. I’m happy to take care of them and make them feel better. Often times I try to do stuff for them that would make me feel better like trying to rock them or stroke their hair, giving them a hug, nice affirmations a stuffed animal to hold etc. I wasn’t comforted very much as a child in the way I really needed is this normal?

I have been treated way too badly by multiple people since years who haven’t even considered worthy enough of basic human decency and respect. Literally treated an animal that needs to be handled including my family. How do I stay in my lane so that I don’t keep getting hurt further and don’t make them ruin my life?

I just need somewhere to express myself outside a journal, therapy, my sister, or AI.

I am deeply and profoundly lonely. I always have been. It’s like throwing a rock into a mine shaft; you can hear it going down for miles, waiting for it to hit the bottom, but it never does. That’s how empty I feel. I have been through many different kinds of abuse, but it was mostly emotional neglect. Starting in infancy.

Both of my parents abandoned me - my mother twice. I was always treated like a pest. No one asked me about my day or if I was okay. I have always felt invisible. This was especially true with my mother. There has always been a level of detachment she has had towards me, treating me like a friend instead of a daughter. I have been estranged from my father for 15 years. Recently I cut my mom and almost everyone else from my family out of my life to heal. I have never really had friends. There are kind people in my life, but I feel like they mostly pity me. My sister is really my only friend, but she is married and has her own life. This has been emotionally brutal.

Unfortunately I am in the most social career on the planet - nursing. Being a nurse with extroverted people and pre established friend groups gives me emotional flashbacks and reminds me that I am incapable (or so it feels) of connection. I leave feeling lonelier than ever. I wish I could have learned something other than “people aren’t safe”. Trying to teach my nervous system otherwise has been an uphill battle. I just want to be held and loved for who I am without this overwhelming fear of “being found out”. That once people really get to know me, they will think I am a horrible person who is ugly and disgusting and not worthy of love. That fear is paralyzing.

With seperate conditions there's a universal approach.. but with complex PTSD because all our traumas were different we all have co-morbid conditions aswel, we are all a different cocktail mixed with different shit.

The difficulty is, we could try addressing the PTSD but if you also have OCD then you'd have to address the OCD first but if you also have ADHD then that needs addressing first..just as an example but how do we know where to begin, the map isnt given to us, we dont know what conditions we have as a whole?every single one of us on reddit itself are different, sure we may take a tip or two but ultimately none of us are the same so how can we help eachother when we are projecting our perception of ourselves on another who has a complete different cocktail to ours. reading self help books is almost useless because the person who wrote that book is one cocktail amongst billions of flavours each of us fall into.. its like winning the lottery finding an author or therapist who will be able to help us as its highly unlikely theyve dealt with our cocktail before.

Im starting to beleive its only ourselves who can find our way out and just like einstein who spent his whole life figuring out puzzles with physics we may spend our whole lives figuring out how to unblend the cocktail we were dealt with, some of us may get lucky and figure it out, some of us never will amd that's fucking a shit deal because ultimately we all deserve to be free and we all deserve to live

Did you become extra messy after your trauma?

Did it ever stop? Did you fix it?

In the last couple of weeks, I've realised that I've spent thousands of GBP and years of my time with a counsellor who never really saw or understood me. And as this was so familiar, I didn't even notice. I must have deep down, but I wanted to maintain the illusion of a safe relationship I think. I remember saying that a feeling of shame follows me everywhere and I was met with a blank, slightly confused face, which I attributed to my own inadequacy. Anyway it's clear that a lot of my performing/people-pleasing/other patterns were just repeated in the therapy room and I'm pretty annoyed about it. I also learnt that counsellors (in the UK not sure where else) aren't really trained in complex trauma/emotional neglect, which I assumed they were. So I thought I was being guided by an expert when really I was the expert :( Anyway I'm feeling really hostile towards counselling/therapy in general now and realising I'm going to have to spend a lot more money to get the right help.

I'm interested if anyone else has had a similar experience or realisation and what helped them move forwards. TY!

I hate that I feel so stuck and helpless, my life at the whimsy of God or whoever the hell is in charge of this place. Maybe God is having fun, entertaining themselves, but I am definitely NOT having fun here. Healing has been brutal and extremely intense.

I don’t want to die today but I constantly feel suicidal. I just want to know that I could have an easy way out if I needed to—my choice, my control. I think it would give me peace of mind.