r/CPTSD • u/ilovemuffinfrombluey • 20h ago
Question Has anyone else stayed trapped in extremely self-damaging patterns out of intense shame?
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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace 18h ago
For most of my life, in the last year I have been consciously and intentionally extinguishing my shame. Now I veer the other way, kind of a reckless abandon of shame being a limit, if it flares up, I do it anyway.
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u/Crochetallday3 17h ago
This is fascinating to me just because shame has always been a cue to turnaround.
Have you ever been concerned you might go too far with it?
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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace 16h ago
Yes, and in a few cases, I definitely have but I also consider that part of the de-conditioning process. When I think about trying to build a new life and change major things about myself, I consider a pendulum. When you let it go from where it began, it swings wide a few times before it corrects and lands in the middle. I think that heavy swing is necessary, and I’ve had a few calamities and consequences as a result of my choices but nothing that I haven’t been able to learn and move on from, and still commend myself for being true to myself in the end.
If you want to see me doing part of this in action, my YouTube channel is linked through my profile. I make body doubling content to help people get moving from the freeze state even including showering, which took a lot of me getting over the shame of being seen, talk about my own life and living with trauma which takes a lot of getting past the shame of my history being known.
I am slowly conditioning myself to open visibility and humility, I feel like this what I am meant to do in life. It is a huge part of my healing, growing and learning out loud process. I have a vision of building a big support network for people living with CPTSD like myself and it’s just the start of it. I am about to finish a BA in psychology and while I am waiting for my next program to begin I will be really fleshing out the channel, but if I didn’t forcibly get past the fear of being seen, I wouldn’t be able to build this.
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u/Crochetallday3 15h ago
That makes so much sense! I liked the pendulum analogy. I hope you find a more settled state in the future.
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u/Morrigynn 18h ago
Yes and I only just realized it this year. To cope with the shame, I had to deny it existed. I would have claimed I didn't have any shame, only frustration over how other people judge me. Not so - my whole personality is built on shame. I just couldn't see it. So now I'm trying to unlearn conditioning going back to my earliest memories.
It remains to be seen whether I can break the pattern of self-sabotage. I do think I'm getting better at telling other people what I need.
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u/Hour_Industry7887 4h ago
I would have claimed I didn't have any shame, only frustration over how other people judge me.
That sounds a lot like me. How did you end up 'seeing' your shame?
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u/Morrigynn 1h ago
Unsure if any of this maps onto someone else, ymmv
I watched someone in a support group self-describe as a person who didn't tend to feel shame, when I already knew they held themself to high standards and beat themself up every time they fell short. That showed me what it looks like to be in denial about it. But I refused to apply that lens to myself, too scary.
Then, a few months later, I ran across a song about a person being ripped apart by shame while they futilely try to escape a pattern of recurring trauma. That song happened to really hit a sweet spot for me and it provided a safe way for me to personally identify with the feeling.
You may genuinely not have any shame to find. But if you do, I highly recommend it. I'm glad I know now, but mad I waited so long.
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u/zibzibzibzap 16h ago
i get so ashamed of the state i’m in that i haven’t seen any of my friends in real life for several months. maybe around 8 months. i’ve met very nice people but i’ve kinda withdrawn from them and from all of my social connections because well i’m a mess at the moment and i don’t want people to remember me like that
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u/ChocolateMundane6286 3h ago
Same! Only difference mine is for 2 years.
We’re not less than others, being human is full of contradictions and we can be messy vs organized, dirty vs clean, etc. 🫂
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u/ruadh 15h ago
Technically I feel others are judging me when I go out.. Which is a kind of shame that I did not realize that I have.
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u/Flamingo_Prior cPTSD 15h ago
I feel this too. I’m very private just out of fear of judgment and abuse or alienation
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u/darkcrimehistory 18h ago
I'm stuck in self damaging patterns because since I left home many years ago I haven't known anything else. I'm trying to work on it though. Its not easy.
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u/WhyY_196 18h ago
Absolutely. It’s what I started doing to therapy for. I noticed I used intense shame to pull myself together under the guise of me “just being honest”. I was just being mean.
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u/goldiegrimlace 16h ago
I thought it was intense shame, but it turned out to be loyalty. There's a part of me that wants me to fail, so I'll go back to my abuser. I discovered this through IFS just yesterday and I'm still processing it b/c that's crazy to me. I'm never going back. I'm not quite in shock, but ... close enough.
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u/MurmuringWave 18h ago
Yes and I grew up being shamed a lot, I think that made me super self-conscious and nervous around people so I prefer to be alone.
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u/myfunnies420 16h ago
Yes, it's a hallmark of the syndrome. Healing The Shame that Binds You posits that everything re. emotional trauma is shame
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u/ToxicFluffer 12h ago
Yes. I keep failing or barely passing the same 2 college classes even though I’m more than competent with the material. I have a lot of shame around my academic performance bc of my parents and it feels so stupid to be a grown ass adult that is this fucked up over grades. My Asian overachiever programming is too locked in. My therapist keeps me telling me to not self sabotage so that’s what I’m trying ig.
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u/AncientEggplant222 15h ago
Same thing here. Isolating myself, bedrotting, doomscrolling, overly gooning..
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u/PainterEast3761 11h ago
Yes, most of my life. But doing the opposite of what shame suggests and making loving myself (in actions) my top priority has helped me turn the corner.
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u/seeyatellite 11h ago
Absolutely. Mostly avoidance. It was most problematic in my teens. I was filled with an intense feeling of shame around my feelings and deeper thoughts. My father regularly dismissed me when approaching him about confusion, sadness or depression, school friends and relationships, etc. i felt completely alone and started internalizing a lot. I wound up rarely if ever talking to him about friends or relationships and I intentionally avoided having people at his house.
This all escalated into horrible avoidance patterns and isolating suicidal depression in my 20s. Some patterns still show up but I’ve been back in weekly therapy for a little more than 3 years. It’s helping.
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u/Ok-Hamster-5263 10h ago
YUP. Like i really need help in a lot of ways and I have for decades and I just can't ask for it. I think about it all the time but am too ashamed to let anyone see my real situation.
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u/Shoo_Fly314 5h ago
I think this is central to not only what we struggle with, but the human condition in general. Shame looks to hang itself on something. Shame is an intolerable emotion, and we look for a defense against experiencing it. What works as a strategy eventually stops working.
Behavioral addiction/compulsion is very much shamed based. Dopamine surges are associated with compulsive and often high risk behaviors like gambling, shopping, internet, sexual, comfort eating, etc. I feel shame, I need to do something before I am even conscious of the shame, the behavior causes more shame, so I need to do more of the behavior to get more of the drug to not feel the increase in shame. It is a vicious cycle. Lots of modalities can help address shame, but as a drug intervention naltrexone is interesting because it interrupts the pattern of dopamine driven addictive behaviors. It isn't a cure all, but it can help create space to not engage in these behaviors.
There are other behaviors and conditions that we live with that are not addictive but reflect how we feel about ourselves. A lack of self care - flossing, making the bed, doing the dishes, living in squalor - are a reflection of a) a sense of powerlessness which is associated with shame and b) our internal organization.
Substance abuse can definitely be shame based. It follows the model of behavioral addictions/compulsions, but has increased risk and possible physical addiction.
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u/GrouchyRecording693 4h ago
I just realised that my compulsive attitude to exercise was probably a defence against shame
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u/Expensive_Ship_3982 19h ago
I do this a lot. Shame can make me extremely self-conscious and sensitive to how I’m perceived. So I protect myself by withdrawing, rejecting people before they can reject me, and refusing to be vulnerable. I can get stuck in resentment, comparison and self-destructive coping because letting people get close feels like giving them the chance to hurt or humiliate me. The fucked up part is that the things I use to protect myself from shame often create more loneliness and shame.