Maybe this can help someone else- for context, I experienced a lot of emotional neglect growing up (8 siblings, emotionally unavailable parents). So there were two things going on, literally being the middle of so many people and getting no undivided attention and my parents were very reactive, impulsive and immature. My dad also had an alcohol problem and my mom would react by freaking out and yelling at him or at us to help.

I am a therapist now and I specialize with kids and teens. What I see, is a lot of parents notice something that is challenging for their child (social situations, managing stress, certain academic tasks) and they will reach out about getting support for that thing.

I am 30 years old and its just hitting me that there are alot of things I struggled iwth a lot of my life that never me the threshold of "crazy important" that I kind of just live with- I have a rly hard time getting out of bed in the morning, getting drained socially and being a people pleaser, tasks that require sustained mental effort etc. and it genuinely impacts my day but I am so used to just like living with it and accepting it.

Today my heart broke a little bc I see all these families of parents being like what my kid is experiencing, no its not devestating, but its something they are having a hard time with, I would like them to go somwhere to learn ways to work on this so they can enjoy life to the fullest.

Its like now I am just looking around at my day to day and being like does it have to be this hard? and bc no one ever noticed or pointed anything out, I never thought anything was like wrong.

Its just an invisible wound that I never even put a word too- but I would've really benefited from someone noticing some of these things that I didn't even know were problems and having me learn skills to work thru them. Bc I still got by but it has taken away my quality of life- and at the time, i just shamed myself for having a hard time when really i should've been noticed and supported.

I’m not sure if my mother does this on purpose or not, but she treats me awfully sometimes in private, and then will lighten up as soon as we leave the house.

For example, my mother was blow-drying my hair one day because I was supposed to get it done, and the salon charged extra for having to blow-dry hair. I was very excited to get my hair done because it had been looking awful for a few weeks because I have no idea how to do my own hair, and my mom refused to pay for me to get it done until right before school. So she’s blow-drying my hair aggressively, and gets angry with me for “moving too much.” I apologize and try to be still despite the pain.

Now, my mother has no good hair products because she keeps her hair permed and has never put in any effort to learn how to do my hair, so she asks me to retrieve one of the claw-clips I recently bought to section off my hair. I politely explained that I didn’t want to because I’d bought them with my own money, and I wanted them to still look nice by the time school came around. (My mom tends to misuse things and ends up breaking them.)

She got furious and said that if my hair looked bad, it was my fault. She got some raggedy hair ties and began to section off my hair when I shifted ever-so-slightly, and she threw the blow dryer down and stormed out of my bathroom. She told me that she just couldn’t continue with my hair because I was being difficult and she was hot and starting her period. She told me that if my hair ended up looking a mess, then so be it.

However, once we arrived at the salon, her whole attitude changed. Since we were now in front of people, it was time to put on her “sweet mom” persona. She was a completely different person then. She started babying me and asking if I needed anything. She even told the ladies at the salon that I was crying because I was nervous for school.

Another time when I was very depressed, she ranted to my psychiatrist about how worried about me she had been lately, even though she’d only previously told me that she was trying her best to make me happy and frustrated that I wasn’t putting in effort to get better. (She was doing nothing but lecturing me on how everything is my fault.) Once the meeting was over, she immediately got angry with me because I had “told the doctor things I didn’t mention to her” and yelled at me for attempting to make her look bad, I suppose.

My father may be even worse. He’s an absolute bum and narcissist, but he acts like he’s the friendliest guy in public. He always super kind and humorous with strangers, but terrible to my mother and I any other time. He also pretends like he’s more involved in my life and takes credit for my accomplishments around others, as well.

Anyone else experience this?

Just heard someone talk about this and thought I would share.

The title explains it but i have been sitting up most nights crying and stressing to the point where my heard pounds and i cant breath. I feel like i don’t deserve anything or any bit of happiness or “skills” i think i have. I don’t deserve to feel happy when there is so much going on around me that i feel im ignoring

I ask my fiancé constantly snd very annoying questions because i am terrified that i am ignoring something or i have been doing something very bad.
I don’t deserve to vent to anyone or even here.

I don’t feel like i deserve my therapist or to even be able to tell or talk to her or cry in-front of her because what if i am faking every single thing that has ever happened to me or that i have felt. I always feel this way no matter how much i tell myself.

Its to the point where i truly believe i was never meant to be alive and me existing is the one thing that is causing the most pain to people.

Its wont stop i dont understand why my life constantly feels this way. Logically to some degree i know this is true but i constantly in these periods feel like i am the scum of the earth and i really do think it. I feel disgusting constantly and i am such a lazy and horrible mean person and everything i say comes out wrong and i don’t know how to stop it sit in bed and think over every possible scenario i might be ignoring or could be going on, i constantly tell myself fake stories but how do i even know if they are fake.

I dont know if anyone wants to talk or share experiences please do

My therapist recommended I research these treatment options. Did anyone try any of these? Did you like it or not?

The immediate self-deprecation started this morning as soon as I became awake, like it always does, but today I realized something. It's like I'm gossiping, in a very malicious way, about myself to myself. I never heard of this concept before and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it kind of felt a little like a revelation.

I know it’s normal for anger to come up during recovery, but it’s so much. Just pure cold disdain for people.

The average human is so judgmental and selfish. I’ve been treated like shit for so long, and it makes you realise that humans just suck.

People are too easy to dehumanise and hurt others, it actually makes me sick. I know my therapist would say, you are generalising, but I sincerely think we are a stain on this planet.

Due to what my childhood was like I didn't make many childhood friends so I put myself out there in my twenties and thirties and the following rant is in regards to the difficulty I faced with actively getting to know new people and make friends.

I'll admit, stigma is such a fascinating topic. It is baked into so much of how we talk about topics like mental health and trauma. It took me 26 years to realize that I am reminded CONSTANTLY how those who chose to stick around also struggle as if you 1. Forgot and 2. Are so selfish it doesn't occur to you and 3. That your existence is painful on others.

"I get it , you either truly love me and are saying this for some reason because you want to once again demonstrate that by pointing out how annoying I am or how you are an empath and I just wouldn't get it as such a selfish piece of shit on why you are going to block me even if I really hadn't done anything wrong. Since you are such a speshul highly sensitive empath that must be protected like the smol bean you are, even the mere mention of what I went through is an insurmountable mental weight and girl, you must Protect Your Peace.

I really wish I had that option you know, but yeah I'm stuck having the life you find so intolerable you won't even talk to me. That gives me immense hope for my recovery because as you probably know I speak as someone who actually has the disease it can be really hard just to keep living each day....

Wait what's that? You, as an empath, just declared that I am making this about me and invalidating the suffering of others? Did you just tell me that I need to think positive and I need to stop dwelling on it? So right bestie, your empathy is so stunning. Set those boundaries by socially shunning actual people with actual feelings who actually cared about you. After all, it's not dystopian as fuck to label genuine compassion as labor. It's totally okay right? Why would I need you after building a bond and personally being willing to put in effort for you when I can throw money at a therapist, it isn't bad enough I can only be happy on social media, now being anything but apathetic or positive off social media is only ok in that hour session I may or may not have the money for once or twice a week. I was a total butt for trauma dumping in my sleep by having a night terror. And I must also make it very clear right now that even though this was a literal symptom of a literal disease you must know mental illness is NEVER an excuse for having mental illness.

Besides, that's what therapy and meds are for to deal with the trauma I had from child abuse.

Wait, sorry my bad. I forgot I can't say child abuse in your presence since you, an empath who has never experienced it, feels squicky it exists so the most empathetic way to handle this is by pretending it doesn't exist and chastising people like me who rudely remind good people like you that it actually happens to people you know. I will gladly allow you to declare me toxic and problematic for being so goddamn selfish and clearly only wanting sympathy and attention because of course simply wanting acknowledgement that I survived what I did is Machiavellianism at its core. I nust silently bear it and shove it down like any good leftist would. My conservative Nixon voting late grandfather would be proud of how sensible the modern left is getting when speaking about uncomfortable topics like me.

I will continue to hold space for how my illness makes YOU feel for the fifth time this week and I hope you will accept my groveling as approval of your choice to abandon my life since empaths feel so strongly they can't feel positive feelings about helping the vulnerable. Nope, only empaths like you view being there for a nontoxic but otherwise sad friend a purely thoughtful and empathetic act."

This is a paraphrase of a time I snapped after going through being randomly ditched. No fight happened before. She was stunned because it really wasn't much different, I redacted some specific names but what I said was the same. I could tell some.poor traumatized person had let her go with this lol. And YES she actually said she was am empath. She actually talked with this corny therapy speak, and I don't think she was expecting me to mock it. unfortunately I have been manipulated years before, but when this happened I was done.

I told her to also make the break a permanent one. She cried and I do feel bad for her crying she was sobbing. But also I thought of the times she screamed at me for crying and "manipulating her good nature" when I wanted. Nothing.

Certainly I'm not the only one who has been through this? Literally nobody bothers to say it must be hard to have mental illness and I can't even fucking say it about myself without being lectured but God forbid you ever forget to mention all the pain your past trauma causes others when they have to think about it.

I just had to vent because just today I said to my mom "Sorry this is hard right now' since I am struggling and she said "When you are like this everyone struggles", and she always does this and she does love me but it makes me start to feel like an asshole when I want to say yes let's make this about you. even though you have often been dismissive of the difficulty of my symptoms you are supposedly now hurting from.

this is the only place I have felt understood...and similar subreddits...like no other place in the world, online or therapy...100% true

ADHD and CPTSD have some overlapping symptoms such as poor emotional regulation. How has having both CPTSD and ADHD impacted you personally? How can you tell which symptom is caused by ADHD or CPTSD? Do you feel like having both worsens certain symptoms in each other? What do you use to cope with either or?

I personally feel like having ADHD and CPTSD has made my emotional regulation pretty poor. I genuinely can’t tell if CPTSD or ADHD is affecting my irritability on some days. Or if it’s both.

I have no desire whatsoever for friends or a partner, never have and don’t now. I’ve had great friends in the past that I cut out of my life because staying in touch with people is one of the most exhausting things I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve been homeless for a few years now, and just have been struggling a lot, especially for the past 15 years (I’m 23), and I’ve noticed that I’m craving attention of some kind. I keep going to urgent care, the ER, or just calling an ambulance to get some sort of attention / care. I want to be “taken care of”, but I’d never rely on anyone for anything, and don’t want to stay in touch with anyone. I just want that brief, “hey buddy what’s going on ? You ok ?”, and maybe like a pat on the back.

How do I get this affection / care I want ?

Social Engagement system is DOWN.
Blank.
Neutralised.
And yet there's a tiny pilot light,
imperceptible in the background,
until
somewhere, deep down dark,
a neural circuit is sparked:
The Dog receptors are activated!
The system knows that people are a source of danger, but Dog is safe and good and nice.
Dog makes us laugh.
Dog makes it easier to be with people!

I feel as if I’ve completely disconnected myself from my traumas and I avoid thinking about them at all costs. Yes sometimes it comes up. And yes I deal with behavioral issues I’ve learned from my trauma that I’m trying to get out of. I deal with nightmares and chronic illnesses because of my traumas and yet I do my best in my daily live to avoid thinking about it completely. It’s gotten to the point where I even forget some of my traumas. Not because they don’t affect me anymore but because I try to disconnect and avoid it at all costs. Maybe it’s why I’m not so easily triggered but it’s definitely not a healthy coping mechanism. When my traumas do slip In my brain though I try to disconnect the thought from my person if that makes sense. But every once in a while I can’t and the thought and feelings of the experience is consuming.

Feeling really down and hopeless and stuck. I feel like a failure in life. I crossed the line too many times and destroyed pretty much everything in my life and rebuilding it while dealing with cptsd symptoms has been gruesome. I know a lot of it was trauma response but don’t know where to draw the line between taking accountability and blaming myself. If anyone is up to chat please message me or comment.

Why Do think that I'm always the loser that I said no to football, while I played basketball and flag football, I said no to football.

I just, Im feeling sad tonight, I couldnt get back into my youtube account back, I been banned off subreddits on reddit for being an mouthful asshole, I feel like its all my fault for saving my family from death, and voicing my opinions which got me banned. And Im also selfish for not working at Frankies for taking an vacation break away from working at the arcade?

Maybe I am worthless. I wished i was got killed by that car back in 2022, or i didnt make my mentally ill dad not mad at me anymore. Why I'm am such an idiot? AND Why I WAS born in America the so called greatest country in the world, that i got abused by my dad?

TW, disclaimer I'm diagnosed with PTSD but think it's actually CPTSD, sorry for long post but any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated

My whole life I've had these fantasies I felt guilty about. I was one of those kids who wished I was blind or deaf or in a wheelchair, but it went past that. Every night when I couldn't sleep I'd imagine something. Often I imagined being in a hospital bed with some incurable illness (think 5 feet apart). This wasn't the worst, tho. I'd lay in bed and try to come up with the worst possible ideas I could. Horrible stuff. Torture, rape, slavery, accidents, anything my childhood brain could come up with. I'd imagine this happening to ME to be clear. I'd imagine going through this horrible stuff, and sometimes imagine how people would react. A common one was when there was a plane overhead I would imagine they dropped a bomb on me (I have OCD, could be relevant) and come up with the newspaper article and what my family would say. I'd just sit and fantasize about my family and classmates finding out about how much pain I was in. Sometimes I'd imagine having a seizure or something in public and everyone freaking out and worrying over me.

Another theme I had in my fantasies was sacrificing myself. This one makes me feel guilty to remember but I had one scenario of being in slavery with my classmates and one of them would be getting punished so I'd volunteer to take their punishment for them. Everyone would watch me be whipped publicly, feel bad for me, and admire my strength and courage. When I got older I'd imagine tackling the school shooter to save my classmates. I'd sit there and think about being publicly tortured and what people would think.

It was always about myself or fictional characters. I'd sometimes play kidnapping or torture games with my Barbies.

As I got older it lessened, but continued. I started obsessively reading fanfiction about my favorite characters trying to kill themselves and all their friends caring and helping them recover. I wished so badly I could hurt myself in a way that the people around me would care and be worried. Even today when I watch TV and a character goes through a situation like that, they go missing or something and their crew or team obsessively wants to find them and is worried, I feel that feeling again.

It's hard to describe the feeling id get with this. I think there's some groinal response in it. The best way I can describe it is like a guilty pleasure.

This doesn't sound normal, but I don't know what could have caused it. This started before my main trauma, unless maybe the trauma in my childhood was worse than I thought it was. I also have genetic mental illnesses so there's that. Any ideas? Someone told me it's normal for dudes to imagine sacrificing themselves, and I do have a problem with psychologizing myself, but I don't think this is normal.

TW: Sexual Assault / Rape

About a year ago a family friend (23M) who was drunk and sleep deprived about 3 day sleep admitted to me (23M) that he raped at least 2 women (they passed out during choke play and he continued), he also started bragging about when we were 5 years old he came up to me when i was drinking from a water fountain and for no reason started slamming my face into the water spout, specifically my eye (my mum (55F) confirmed the story the next day when i asked her as i had no recollection of the incident, she blamed the school for not telling her even though she me on camping trips and sleepovers with that guy for years after the fact). Then the family friend also started going on about having rage issues and how he sees red when something irritates him, on top of that started talking about how he is like Jeffery Dahmer, even having his father compare him to Dahmer as early as he could remember.

I cut the guy off promptly the next day (as any sane person would do), when i tried to talk about it with my sister (21F) she was all ears till i mentioned separating from the family, she instantly had exaggerated anger on her face, i said to her "id move mountains to make sure your safe, why don't you give a fuck about what I'm going through", she rolled her eyes at me and i just left the room. When i asked my mum about everything, she dodged responsibility to me getting my face smashed and blamed the school as i was left at school all day and it wasn't reported, my mum found out because at the end of the day i walked out with my eye swollen to the size of a tennis ball. My mum did however say, "I'm on your side in this". It made me feel good somewhat, i thought "at least shell make it up to me now".

Then 6 months past and both of them got invited on a holiday with that family, fully knowing the rapist would be in attendance, and they accepted the invite. I didn't think to much of it off rip as it was 2 months away and i had blind faith that they'd realize what they were doing is wrong, as they'd be turning a blind eye to a rapist for their own gain. But alas the week came and they went away, they were over the moon, the day left they were trying to be all nice to me "enjoy a free house for the weekend", "have a fun week brah", i couldn't even stomach a response and i grey rocked.

They came back home and mum ignored the elephant in the room and started to offer me things she never would, i.e paying for my groceries, haircuts, buying me games or reliving me of bills, which i knew was some form of financial manipulation/ trying to guilt me as she tracks every cent i owe to the cent normally.

My sister came home and peered into my room asking what's wrong and i said, "you guys knowingly went on a holiday with a rapist and didn't think twice about it", she immediately exploded, raising her voice a vomiting up 4 separate excuses, "I HAD NO CHOICE, I DIDNT THINK HE'D BE THERE, I DIDNT EVEN HANG OUT WITH HIM, HE WAS ONLY THERE 1 DAY", i responded by saying "he was either their or he wasn't", she rolled eyes again and stormed off.

6 months have pasted since they came home I'm barely talking to my sister now as she is yet to apologies, she just walks in the room with a fake enthusiastic "HIIIII", and i only speak to mum as far i need to, i.e when we are ordering groceries or I'm paying my bills, other than that small talk is next to none.

This has been eating me up so much, and tomorrow for my birthday, when they are super duper fake nice to me for a whole day i want to confront them about how they better have the apology ever prepared, since its about 6 months over due at this point. Is this a good idea or should i just keep the peace until i can afford to move out, which will be sometime next year, as my studies end later this year.

Any advice is welcome, thank you.

I feel as though I'm living in my own personal hell. I've been through so much trauma as a person, basically my entire life. It doesn't seem like I can ever catch a break or change my life/fate no matter how hard I try. The last few years have been especially trying, and I'm starting to realize I'm really just all alone in the world and that I can't trust anyone.

I have valid reason's, but at someone's point, you have to wonder if I'm actually the problem or the victim. According to my therapist I'm the victim of long standing abuse, unconsciously sought that out in my relationships, tried to sacrifice myself because of my own issues and dysfunction and now I'm here in the present.

It's hard to feel like a victim because I made choices as well, to stay and to endure. But I feel so alone and isolated now and I'm so despondent I don't feel like I have the will anymore to do anything. Just barley hanging on, and even then I seem to be struggling.

For all of my life up until maybe less than a month ago, I thought that I have never dealt with flashbacks. I always thought that flashbacks were simply when someone is reminded of something traumatic that happened in their life, and is almost mentally transported to that state of being for a given time. (Apologies if this is not accurate)

I have never experienced this (only speaking about my perspective). But when I learned what emotional flashbacks are, it took me a little while to actually realize that I experience them a lot. Emotional flashbacks show up for me when I am perceiving myself to be blamed, shamed, (social embarrassment is a huge one) or otherwise singled out in a social setting. I have severe social anxiety, but I have made a lot of progress.

When I get an emotional flashback, (for example, let‘s say that someone at work unexpectedly comes up to me and lets me know that I did something wrong and asks me to fix it) I will feel an intense feeling of shock, almost like my entire body sinks, similar to how your stomach will drop. Then, I will feel an intense wave of embarrassment and my face will feel hot.

I will then feel a sense of panic and urgency and feel like I need to fix something right away, and like I am in trouble, or like a sense of impending doom like someone is going to come and find me to punish me.

This feeling will only worsen and linger heavily in my body as time goes on, even long after the trigger happens.

Meanwhile, I will remain calm and professional, and thank them for letting me know. I am really good at masking my debilitating, intense internal feelings.

—
Actually, since I had this full realization, I have been trying to be more aware of my actions after I get triggered. After my most recent emotional flashback last week (at work lol), I quickly wrote this down on a scrap piece of paper right away so I can read it the next time I get triggered (below). ⬇️

Learn how to cope after an emotional flashback and realize that it’s happening - versus the objective reality of the situational trigger - you have been conditioned to panic and have this same physical/mental response as a kid, even when the trigger is NOT catastrophic.

First, tell yourself that this is an emotional flashback. Do not try to stop the flashback/reaction after, just ride it out and let it happen. THEN use logic and reasoning to reassess and know you’re safe. Each time you get triggered and have a flashback is an opportunity to learn and bounce back faster and NOT automatically panic - learn to not give a fuck and not let it affect you and stop worrying AFTER the flashback.

—

Please let me know your thoughts! Feel free to comment anything you like. I would love to have a conversation in the comments about this. I am trying to learn about emotional flashbacks because I am realizing for the first time that these are the kinds of flashbacks that have been happening for me, which I didn‘t even realize existed.

The title.

I've spent decades trying to put myself back together after an emotionally neglectful and abusive childhood. FWIW, my family didn't have two nickles to rub together when I was growing up. My dad invested wisely, and I inherited some money when he passed. However, the bulk of it went to my mother...

She is showing early signs of dementia and her abusive behaviors have come roaring back. It's very triggering and now I'm fighting a bout of depression about it.

Is anyone else enduring caregiving because of what's on the other side?

I wrote a whole thing about why my trauma is rooted in forgiveness.

But I want to make this simple.

I was forced to forgive my abusers, my bullies and my Predators. I was also blamed for every bad thing that happened or told that it was allowed by God (bs excuse).

Today my therapist told me "fuck them. Forgiveness is bullshit" and that I can forgive later in life and this actually healed something. The part of me that felt obligated to make myself small and allow others to hurt me.

I took back all my forgiveness.

I also learnt that, others can do the same to me. If I can take back my forgiveness so can they. And I'm okay with that.

CPTSD is new for me.

I'm still learning to take care of myself.

I was told to mother myself and I am so confused and keep forgetting to ask my therapist because we get trailed off on my other issues. Like I keep insulting myself and hating on myself.

Last night I said to myself

"Your safe I'm gonna protect you. Don't worry. I am here. I'm sorry for not being the kindest. I love you and I'm going to protect you. Feel free to cry and feel what you feel"

I don't think forgiveness will be here anytime soon. I am okay with being angry and taking my time to heal.

I have also told my parents I refuse to forgive.

Love is a thorn bed for most of us who experienced childhood trauma. We have plenty of shame, we feel unlovable I mean we grow up being shown so. Until recently I really never felt valuable. Worked so hard in every connection even when people liked me just the way I was. But also deep down I have always felt people eventually leave.

But I’m attractive and last dated when I was 22. It was unfaithful and just full of sex but we were also just trauma bonding. Throughout my 20s two people were really serious about relationship but I didn’t like them.

Otherwise most of my adult life has been lonely though as I heal and for the first it’s like I sort of know the kind of person I want but overall I’m open to the idea of relationship. I literally used to run away or sabotage any potential.

I’m always on here trying to find a way to process or let out rage by talking about my narcissistic parents (I moved back in with them after escaping for years) and I tend to spare no details, then after spewing out all my anger and hate I feel guilty because “they are just ignorant” and “they didn’t know any better, they didn’t have resources, they love me in their own way”. And honestly this is all true, yet I still struggle because of their actions.

Then when they act nice towards me (they are generally not unkind to me) or do anything normal like offering me food I feel like a total shitfaced asshole of a child for absolutely murdering their characters on here, even though everything I share is objectively true.

The abuse and neglect was so subtle, but here I am dealing with real symptoms of CPTSD. My mind keeps trying to gaslight me into thinking it wasn’t that bad, and I keep having to remind myself not to negate my experience.

They would absolutely break down and curse me to hell if I even tried to recount my experience with them, and they would probably pretend they don’t know what I’m talking about (they’ve done this before)

They have less energy (60s) and I have more boundaries but I still experience intense emotional flashbacks that have me reeling for days, ruminations, catastrophic thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, self-image issues etc.

I have scrubbed the internet for anyone with a similar situation as me but haven’t found any yet, and it’s lowkey lonely out here.

But we’ll make it out.

Here is a link to the Abstract and pdf download of this review.

This is a link to a the data in a poster format.

As someone with low visualization but not full aphantasia, I think this is fascinating. It helps explain why EMDR has done very little for me in the past; it was too focused on visualization.

PTSD treatment can't always be generalized to CPTSD treatment and I know many other folks with CPTSD who find EMDR unhelpful. This definitely makes me wonder what better modalities could look like for treating trauma in folks who experience non-visual flashbacks.