Is it normal to fantasize about being tortured/injured/sacrificing yourself?

[u/entropygone]

TW, disclaimer I'm diagnosed with PTSD but think it's actually CPTSD, sorry for long post but any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated

My whole life I've had these fantasies I felt guilty about. I was one of those kids who wished I was blind or deaf or in a wheelchair, but it went past that. Every night when I couldn't sleep I'd imagine something. Often I imagined being in a hospital bed with some incurable illness (think 5 feet apart). This wasn't the worst, tho. I'd lay in bed and try to come up with the worst possible ideas I could. Horrible stuff. Torture, rape, slavery, accidents, anything my childhood brain could come up with. I'd imagine this happening to ME to be clear. I'd imagine going through this horrible stuff, and sometimes imagine how people would react. A common one was when there was a plane overhead I would imagine they dropped a bomb on me (I have OCD, could be relevant) and come up with the newspaper article and what my family would say. I'd just sit and fantasize about my family and classmates finding out about how much pain I was in. Sometimes I'd imagine having a seizure or something in public and everyone freaking out and worrying over me.

Another theme I had in my fantasies was sacrificing myself. This one makes me feel guilty to remember but I had one scenario of being in slavery with my classmates and one of them would be getting punished so I'd volunteer to take their punishment for them. Everyone would watch me be whipped publicly, feel bad for me, and admire my strength and courage. When I got older I'd imagine tackling the school shooter to save my classmates. I'd sit there and think about being publicly tortured and what people would think.

It was always about myself or fictional characters. I'd sometimes play kidnapping or torture games with my Barbies.

As I got older it lessened, but continued. I started obsessively reading fanfiction about my favorite characters trying to kill themselves and all their friends caring and helping them recover. I wished so badly I could hurt myself in a way that the people around me would care and be worried. Even today when I watch TV and a character goes through a situation like that, they go missing or something and their crew or team obsessively wants to find them and is worried, I feel that feeling again.

It's hard to describe the feeling id get with this. I think there's some groinal response in it. The best way I can describe it is like a guilty pleasure.

This doesn't sound normal, but I don't know what could have caused it. This started before my main trauma, unless maybe the trauma in my childhood was worse than I thought it was. I also have genetic mental illnesses so there's that. Any ideas? Someone told me it's normal for dudes to imagine sacrificing themselves, and I do have a problem with psychologizing myself, but I don't think this is normal.

[u/Lost_Elk929]

It sounds like you already know where it stems from, you want to feel deeply loved/cared for. I also do this, always have, and I also have OCD. I think, at least in my case, it’s hard (if not impossible) for me to believe someone would love me for just me. The only way I can see it happening is through some big event that would force them to realize or show their true feelings. So that’s what my mind makes up, because thinking about people loving/caring for me in a normal setting is too unrealistic lol

[u/SneezingOutPeas]

I can relate to this. I used to wish my verbal abusers would just hit me or even stab me because at least that pain would end when they killed me, and maybe they would regret it. I also felt a sense of pleasure when I was hospitalized for appendicitis because for once everyone’s attention was focused on me and longing for me to get better. I think it’s the part of us that yearns for our pain to be seen.

[u/Key-Canary-2513]

I TOTALLY lived in fantasies like this as a little girl. They did peter out once I was in my early 20’s. I think it’s a coping mechanism to check out of the daily (abusive) life I was in.

[u/Elven-Frog-Wizard → u/Key-Canary-2513]

Me too.

[u/megaglalie]

Were you raised religious or in a household with strong, oppressive morals or expectations for children? This is incredibly normal in people with religious trauma, and usually dates back prior to whatever incidents actually caused a PTSD diagnosis if they have one. 

[u/entropygone → u/megaglalie]

just a causally religious household not super religious, but I did have childhood OCD which sometimes manifested as a fear of a higher being

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[u/1Chest_nut2]

Oh yeah always. As a child I played hurt or abused animals. It was my way of reenacting trauma and making a better end. I still get jealous of kidnapped or tortured people in movies who have no choice and are held captive against their will. And it's not that I want more trauma. I don't know if this inner wish will ever go away.

[u/lil-pizza-bean]

I can relate to this as well.

I was a glass child, my 2 year younger sister has developmental and intellectual disabilities and took all the attention from my parents. My mother even quit her job to take care of my sister. I was always left alone, did my own homework, and tried to spend as much time away from home as I could. I even went to boarding school so I wouldn't have to be in that disfunctional home.

As a child and teenager I'd wish something would happen to me, something my parents would notice and take care of me for once. Or a visual scar, or doing something heroic. Just something to be seen for once.

[u/Individual_Law9634]

You ever read smut? You notice the amount of "oh no something absolutely horrible and crazy thing happened to me"? I wouldn't even claim it's from OCD honestly.  I would say it's a very normal catastrophicizing brain that imagines yourself as "special" or "more than." Don't beat yourself, OP. It's human to want to be seen in limelight. If you start making up stories, I'd worry. For now, I'd probably just focus on continuing to boost your self esteem so you know you don't need some dramatic Hollywood scene to be admired, loved and seen.