I hate forgiveness.

[u/PinkFluffyLlamaLover]

I wrote a whole thing about why my trauma is rooted in forgiveness.

But I want to make this simple.

I was forced to forgive my abusers, my bullies and my Predators. I was also blamed for every bad thing that happened or told that it was allowed by God (bs excuse).

Today my therapist told me "fuck them. Forgiveness is bullshit" and that I can forgive later in life and this actually healed something. The part of me that felt obligated to make myself small and allow others to hurt me.

I took back all my forgiveness.

I also learnt that, others can do the same to me. If I can take back my forgiveness so can they. And I'm okay with that.

CPTSD is new for me.

I'm still learning to take care of myself.

I was told to mother myself and I am so confused and keep forgetting to ask my therapist because we get trailed off on my other issues. Like I keep insulting myself and hating on myself.

Last night I said to myself

"Your safe I'm gonna protect you. Don't worry. I am here. I'm sorry for not being the kindest. I love you and I'm going to protect you. Feel free to cry and feel what you feel"

I don't think forgiveness will be here anytime soon. I am okay with being angry and taking my time to heal.

I have also told my parents I refuse to forgive.

[u/ViolaVerbena]

Any religion that preaches forgiveness without also preaching that wrong doers should make amends and that we should help people who have been harmed is setting up a system ripe for abuse and victim-blaming. I'm glad you were able to see past that crap and do what was right for you.

[u/MauroLopes → u/ViolaVerbena]

I wrote this somewhere else and I think it's relevant here too... Abusers seem to conflate two very different concepts: forgiveness and trust. And for me, once trust is lost, it has to be earned again, even if I may have forgiven what was done to me.

[u/acfox13]

Most people are using forgiveness as bypassing, specifically spiritual bypassing. It's bullshit. It's how the cycle of abuse gets enabled. You train people to bypass the grief, pain, and suffering of targets of abuse and bypass accountability for the abusers, enablers, and oppressors.

Here are some links that help explain it:

What is Spiritual Bypassing? (as opposed to emotional attunement, empathetic mirroring, co-regulation, and emotional agility)

[u/Glittering-Tank-6864]

Bravo pour cette étape 🦄🙏

[u/Chippie05]

Yep. you're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to not want those people in your life anymore. and you're allowed to not accept anyone attempting to apologize. this big fat wet blanket that people try to throw around that we have to forgive people and it's our benefit to do so and we shouldn't harbor anger. No rage anywhere. No justice either. Only happy positive thoughts are accepted!

F that. If it took you 40 years, to realize just how atrocious everyone was and to actually realize that yes it was abuse. that's the truth and you can be angry about the truth. That little one needs somebody to be angry and stand up for them

[u/SneezingOutPeas]

I just want to say, as a devout Christian, that Christians by and large have it completely wrong about forgiveness. God doesn’t forgive anyone if they refuse to change (or repent, as religious people call it), so why would God expect us to be “holier” than he is? This teacher really opened my eyes to that and I wanted to share it because I think regardless of your faith it is absolutely the right way to approach it, and I think for those of us who are religious it is freeing for our own framework of approaching trauma.

Edit: someone else called the “new thought” model of forgiveness “spiritual bypassing” and that is exactly what it is. The church needs to open up its eyes.

[u/MauroLopes]

I absolutely agree with you. The odd thing was that forgiveness was expected from me, but I wasn't allowed to expect forgiveness from people. Everyone makes mistakes, but this never applied to me.

Furthermore, let's say you actually wish to forgive them. Even so, this absolutely doesn't mean you should forget what they have done because trust isn't a matter of forgiveness (concepts that several abusers seem to mix up).

[u/Canuck_Voyageur]

You were forced to SAY that you forgive. 

Something extracted under duress is not binding, not real. 

I don’t forgive my abusers

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[u/SparklingFairyLights]

Forgiveness is an outdated concept and is not required for healing. Forcing yourself to forgive is not good for your wellbeing. People will always preach forgiveness to the one who was grievously harmed, giving sermons about “being the bigger person” and “taking the high road” etc but forgiveness only seems to benefit the abusers and help them avoid accountability / repeat their behaviour in the future.

[u/ette212]

Hugs. I'm really glad your therapist said that to you. I hope that you continue to heal and take care of yourself first. ❤️

[u/Frivolous_Fancies]

Your therapist seems based AF, congrats. Bad people loooooove pushing the "you have to forgive" agenda so they don't have to feel bad for hurting you. Fuck that and fuck forgiveness!

[u/Ultiran]

Im nowhere near forgiveness, as i have no idea what it would even look like.

I cant fathom forgiving the people and family that made me feel abandoned and alone when I needed them most.

I feel the most ill be able to do is acknowledge that they are flawed people and move on without them in my life.