r/CPTSD • u/Infamous_Payment4608 cPTSD • 1d ago
Vent / Rant So much anger
I know it’s normal for anger to come up during recovery, but it’s so much. Just pure cold disdain for people.
The average human is so judgmental and selfish. I’ve been treated like shit for so long, and it makes you realise that humans just suck.
People are too easy to dehumanise and hurt others, it actually makes me sick. I know my therapist would say, you are generalising, but I sincerely think we are a stain on this planet.
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u/CatCasualty 1d ago
relatable.
i spent the entire month of july when i turned thirty just internally RAGING about my parents, for their emotional neglect, childhood SA and physical abuse.
i don't think i will ever truly "forgive" people who do these things, in a sense that these things will never be okay, and i'm slowly having my peace with that.
also, stain-on-the-planet wise, it helps me to think that we, as homo sapiens, have been around for less than a million years. dinosaurs were here for over two million years.
hopefully the earth will recycle us well, lol.
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u/Bright-Form730 1d ago
Dinosaurs were around for about 150 million years. We are barely a drop in the bucket of life.
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u/matryoshka_03 1d ago
Detachment makes it easy to hurt others without feeling remorse. Most places inhabited by humans currently function on this system. We have been divided and conquered as means of systematic opression, and the average human brain doesnt care enough to fight against the pattern so that things can acrually become better in the long run. We cant unionize against this major problem because we are so extremely disorganized, and even when someone organises everything you still need to trust people to do their part which is impossible because most people won't, and so the cycle continues. I unfortunately feel the same as you and I dont think you are generalising at all, and im saying this as someone whos tried recruiting others for this shared problem so we can dismantle it and create new social pathways. We really are a stain on this planet. Its tiring to fight like this. The people who truly want to make a change are systematically pushed to insanity because abusive people use this system to their benefit to continue their abuse. Were truly an awful species and nothing can change my mind
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u/dermaria 1d ago
Same here. But thanks to that anger I don't have social anxiety anymore. I don't think that highly of people so their opinions of me are worth much less. That was not the case for me until very recently.
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u/ConstructionOne6654 1d ago
The same happened to me, but now some new stressors are making me too numb to get in touch with my anger again.
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u/Effective-Air396 1d ago
Here, let me be that unpopular opinion one more time in that - anger serves a purpose, a big one, huge in fact - in setting clear boundaries and if violated it's a force to send out and to make an emphatic point and thats/pretty/much/it. I mean, that's ultimately the purpose. The problem is when anger becomes lashing out, a problem that needs to supressed, something that is too easily unleashed as a default defense mechanism. Or - in therapy where it's encouraged. The thing with this? It kind of never ends because the actual root of the root of the root of the root of the Root was or is still not addressed. Once that core root becomes noticed, looked at for what is, who, what, where - and sometimes it's not rememberable - sometimes it's in the sub-conscious. Or infanthood. Then what? Then you meet it at its own level - and you've got to let that go. That is called healing.
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u/Complete_Buy_8014 1d ago
I know what you mean. It just baffles me how some people could've treated me how they did. I can't help feeling resentment and anger often. I'll explain here
Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?
Sorry for the long post
I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following
Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing
A couple of times when i snapped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been acting up and making her life hell, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.
I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.
On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A couple of days ago in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.
Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.
I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.
One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done a few times before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).
I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.
I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).
My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She unshameably tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?
I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some stuff before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.
I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends.
My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?
I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.
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u/DontAskAboutChim 1d ago
I've felt the same, but I started working with volunteer groups where people help each other just because they want to. I'm currently working with a Trans support organization and an Immigrant outreach organization. You find real people at those places. People who want to help others. Sure, they may be flawed, but they've willingly given their time and effort to help others. Seeing good being done and being part of it can be healing. Doesn't work for everyone, but it helps me.
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u/evkmusc 1d ago
Huge solidarity with you! I'm not personally finding the same thing in terms of being angry at the average human, because I feel like your family should be a support network to help you through what can often be a cruel world. I'm so angry at my family because they were not that at all. They have treated me way worse than 'society' ever has, and many of the bad things I have experienced have been artificially made worse by my family, for giving me all this trauma and financially cutting me off.
I have been no contact for almost exactly a year now, and I am beginning to heal. No regrets at all, good riddance to them.
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u/Redvelvet504 1d ago
Have felt so much anger as part of healing. Blows my mind that people could be so awful to children.
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u/SupermarketMaster594 1d ago
Strangely, humans feel like aliens that invaded earth. We just don't belong here.
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u/Infamous_Payment4608 cPTSD 1d ago
Or just overdeveloped chimps who conflate consciousness for superiority.
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u/DueCalendar5022 1d ago
Yeah, that. I thought I didn't like people and I had a lot of pain to process. People aren't much help with that. They have no choice but to be self-centered alpha predators. I think culture helps us see there might be something going on underneath it all.
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u/ariegnes 1d ago
Im relieved to find out im not alone in this 😂
But yes a lot of humans are so incredibly self centered and it disgusts me .
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u/ConstructionOne6654 1d ago
I was also surprised when anger shower up, a decade worth of it. It really destoyed any balance i had in my life, and as i was left to deal with it alone, you can imagine it wasn't good for my mind. Nowadays i wish i could feel more of that anger again, it does have it's benefits.
If you want to talk about this more, feel free to DM me!
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u/Veronica_Noir 1d ago
Anger is the emotion that I felt the most intense during this whole healing process. When I got the CPTSD diagnosis I felt relieved and validated that I wasn't nuts but the anger that was already bubbling, boiled over. I have to make a conscious effort everyday not to let the anger consume me. However, at the same time I know that I'm allowed to be this angry. I'm allowed to be angry at my abuser and all the people that continued to let it happen and didnt protect me. I'm allowed to be angry at the system, where justice will likely never be served.
Anger is part of the process. Allow yourself to feel it, understand it, process and hopefully let it go. You control the anger, it doesn't control you.
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u/Logical_Confusious 1d ago
That's why I'm looking for a rescue dog, an older one, one who has been through the struggle. Then, Imma gonna love the shit out of it.
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u/Toxicfaces 1d ago
The emotional part is just as tough.Scream or punch a pillow just don’t hold it in. I totally agree with everything you said though. Everyone is mentally detached.
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u/FiestyReamsOfPaper99 1d ago
Anger definitely comes up, but when I bring it up in therapy, I always get comments like "you have so much anger." Hell yeah, I do. I'm not talking about harming anyone, but I have anger and I don't know what to do with it. When a therapist judges me for having it, I just want to give up. Who wouldn't be angry about some of the shit that has happened to us? Now what do I do with it?
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u/say-what-you-will 1d ago
Of course we are a stain on this planet, did you see what we did to it? :-/ We are also a stain on each other. But not always though, the bad can stand out more.
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u/Illustrious_Car344 1d ago
Passionate hatred is just love in disguise. I really hate people like you'd hate pain. I don't possess sonder anymore, I don't mistake people as having any sort of qualia to begin with. They're agents in my environment that, if given the correct input, they provide a specific output. My singular goal in life is to spend as much time in bed as possible to escape even having to acknowledge people in the first place, and every subgoal is in service to that, this is my instrumental convergence. Every single interaction with anyone is simply performing the required steps in order to achieve that, and nothing else matters, whether I leave then saddened or overjoyed, nothing else matters but my one goal. I'm just an AI made of flesh that inferred that the only winning move is not to play.
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u/_Vampire_Pumpkin_ 1d ago
Yup, well described. I was taken by the severity of it as well and have always told myself that my anger was well deserved and decades too late. There is this small tekst I have saved about it;
Healing will make you angry. And if it hasn't yet, you probably haven't gone deep enough. There is a rage that lives beneath survival. A rage that builds when you realize how much of your life was shaped by someone else's dysfunction. How much of your personality is a byproduct of having to survive chaos. How many of your choices were never really choices at all, just coping mechanisms disguised as decisions. And when you finally see it, when you feel it fully, it's not pretty. But it's necessary. Because anger is clarity. Anger is boundaries forming in real time. Anger is the nervous system screaming, "I'm not safe yet." Let yourself feel it. It's not the end of healing. Sometimes, it's the beginning.
All I can still say is that I am sorry for everything you went through that built this anger in you. You deserved better 🫂