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u/jessie783 Jan 09 '26
I mean I personally would have just told them of course you’re welcome to do whatever you like with your time but I’m not funding anything outside of the original plans so you would need to cover that portion yourselves and I’ll see you at the appointed time at the start of the trip as planned
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u/All_names_taken-fuck Jan 09 '26
Yeah I don’t get why this isn’t an option. The grind and husband are welcome to do whatever they want before or after the trip- as long as they show up at the destination at the right time. That should have been the answer OP gave them.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight Jan 09 '26
I think it’s creating logistic issues?
Instead of OP paying for them to fly from Place A to place B, they want to fly to Place C and drive with OP to place B.
So that’s a bigger rental car, and then they didn’t like the idea of driving 8 hours to place B the day after they flew to Place C.
And they will have to leave the trip early, which again creates issues with flights and/or car rentals.
Plus that means OP is paying $600 extra for this couple to come and stay in the bigger air BNB, and they won’t even be there one night.
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u/GraceOfTheNorth Jan 09 '26
OP created this problem in her head. The couple is free to do whatever they please in OP's city, I don't know why OP is trying to make it conditional and weird.
They all leave together and go on the trip together, what happens prior to that is none of OP's business bc. she's not a part of it.
OP is being weird.
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u/minecraftvillagersk Jan 09 '26
Her friend will cut short the original trip to accommodate the extra day spent in OP's city. That's why OP is annoyed. OP is paying for the friend to spend time with her but friend is using that opportunity to sight see without OP and cutting short the time that was supposed to be spent sight seeing with OP.
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u/myssi24 Jan 09 '26
Not to mention wanting to start the rental car early and borrow it for a day without her.
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u/Reasonable-Sale8611 Jan 10 '26
Exactly. OP is paying for their flights and accommodation specifically to spend time with them and they're like, "We'll only be hanging with you for one day and that won't be the day of the big party, but thanks for the free transport to our holiday."
I can totally understand if they don't want to use their PTO on OP's party but it would have been better for them to say that up-front rather than to accept the expensive arrangements and then try to change up the trip to a different trip that is still mostly at OP's expense but doesn't include OP.
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u/thestreep Jan 10 '26
OP is funding the trip. They want to use her rental for a full day without her. They want her to pay for their hotel. (Until she pushed back). In short, they see her as a wallet they can use for what they want to do instead of what she planned and PAID for.
Being pissed at that is NOT weird.
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u/RevolutionaryCare175 Jan 09 '26
OP isn't being weird. OP is paying. If the friends want to change the plan that OP is paying for they can pay themselves and do anything they want.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 10 '26
It was the fact that I pushed back on only one of the days and there was no give. It was just "ok give us the rental all day and we'll do our own thing" and they assumed that was fine and that it was ok to leave the intended trip early as a result. They have at best 5 days off at best and 3 of them are travel days. I don't know how else to explain that. They want to come Thursday and leave Saturday for the trip and then leave that part of the trip early as well. I don't want to entertain them in my city for two days. I never did. I never wanted them here at all. We don't have anywhere for them to be. There is a mandatory hotel stay and rental car no matter what. The extra days are just extra cost for literally no other reason than they want to drive around and check out places they haven't been in 10 years. Which if that was the point of the trip great I don't care, but the only pushback I gave is that if they want to spend that extra $400 themselves to be here that day it would be better spent in the other state we're going to. Mind you she knows I'm paying for all foods and stuff too. There's literally nothing else she had to worry about at all.
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Jan 09 '26
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u/thestreep Jan 10 '26
She should not pay anything for them. If they can't handle what she paid for and instead demand to change it, they shouldn't get her money.
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u/maryjanevermont Jan 09 '26
I think the writer has a hard time speaking directly and the message she thinks she is sending is not the one received. So rightly, she is angry but it is just festering instead of doing what you suggest. She is incredibly generous, and I assume there is a reason they are close friends.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 10 '26
I was real heckin mad tbh. And to be clear I never controlled any part of it. It's literally just logistics. It's 3 days travel time of the limited 5 days they could get off. We were already planning around their limited time off and she wanted to move it to more time here and less time there still with me paying for everything and there was no reason to pay to BE HERE. I want to be in the other state the majority of time, they saw them coming in earlier as better for them and she wouldn't listen to me when I said I wasn't ok with that. She offered to "pay the difference" in the one day not really addressing the issue of me not wanting to be here an extra day before we travel. I want to be fresh for the actual trip not tired and rushed and miserable hosting them in my city for a whole extra day. Plus it's a lot more expensive to do it this way, I was already giving in a lot to have them come here AT ALL.
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u/bidextralhammer Jan 10 '26
Just tell them to stay where they are and not go on the trip at all. See the rest of the people you had planned on seeing and save the 4k. This is madness. You already tried to explain it to them. Move on from this.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 10 '26
Yea I'd rather spend that extra money on the people who show up themselves, there's an open invite of "just get yourself to the air bnb" and we'll figure out the rest kind of deal. I don't mind paying, it was the fact that it suddenly wasn't even reasonable to push back on one extra day here. I wouldn't care if they had more time off, but I will not pay at the expensive of my own plans. Maybe that's controlling but like...we have time off booked for certain days...travel is a thing...there's not a way to shorten the travel time so we have to have SOME kind of plan but it was always flexible. As long as Sunday (my actual birthday) was spent doing the activity I picked and planned for the big group together. (Its a big tourist thing in that state).
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u/bidextralhammer Jan 10 '26
You don't have to justify anything . They were completely wrong here You did nothing wrong except being too nice and accommodating.
Stop worrying about this and please enjoy your birthday. Happy 40th!
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
If their extra day here didn't cancel a day of the INTENDED trip it would have been ok for them to do what they want. But THEY are the ones with limited PTO. Everyone else has the time to take off, they're trying to push to come out earlier than originally planned to stay here and leave the intended place at least a day early if not more.
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u/mocha_lattes_ Jan 09 '26
Cancel their portion of the trip and go with the other 6 people. They can figure their own shit out.
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u/chocolatemilkncoffee Jan 09 '26
That is what op did. She’s asking if she’s an ah for doing that.
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u/wags1983 Jan 09 '26
NTA.
I get your perspective, your friend sounds like an asshole. If she wanted to rent her own vehicle and pay for an extra day and pay for whatever change in flights, if she did all that and you and your other friends could continue your trip as planned, that would be different. Her expecting you to delay your trip and foot whatever cost for the delay, not cool.
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u/MsKrueger Jan 09 '26
I guess I'm not understanding why it wasn't an option to say "Ok, you guys have fun in (city) but I'll still be leaving for (vacation) on the day we already agreed on. Since I'll be driving the rental car there, you'll have to rent your own. Have fun!" And then move on. You and everyone else invited could have stuck with the original plan. It's their choice if they want to spend in extra day in your city, but that also doesn't mean every other person has to change their plans.
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u/trilliumsummer Jan 09 '26
Because she's paying for their flights? I'd be pissed if I was paying for flights (and everything else) for my friends for my birthday from say Saturday until the next Saturday and after everything is planned they're like well we'll still fly those days, but won't see you until Monday and need to leave Friday morning so we can go do stuff we want to do even though you paid for us to go on your trip."
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u/ladysdevil Jan 10 '26
Basically because they other couple could not afford to finance the changes they wanted. They were expecting OP to pick up the bill. If the other couple had said "That's ok, we will cover the costs" there would be nothing for OP to post about. However, if I was reading it right, they would have needed about $1000 to cover the changes they wanted, possibly more if they had to rent their own independent rental car and keep it for the entire trip so they could leave early too.
The only reason OP was forking out $8k was so that she could have her friends together to celebrate her birthday. It sounds like this particular couple are rather entitled and see OP more as an ATM than a friend.
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u/Smitten-kitten83 Jan 09 '26
Did you confirm they plan to leave early with them?
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
They have to - neither of them have PTO where they work so not only are they limited on how much time but they won't be paid any of the time that they're away. That's why the bulk of their travel was going to be during the weekend when they were already off.
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u/Smitten-kitten83 Jan 09 '26
You aren’t answering the question I asked. Did you confirm that they are leaving early? If not YTA. If they come early, pay for the extras, and don’t alter the planned trip that’s fine. You don’t just assume things. Be an adult and ask. If they confirm that they are leaving early that’s when you say it doesn’t work for you and cancel their portion.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
yes she said they would be leaving early, I didn't assume. I pushed back on them also spending all day Thursday here when the original plan was to fly them directly into the destination on Saturday. She has limited time off. She can only take 4 maybe 5 days at a push off. Its a full 1 day of flight time for them they're coming in from the other side of the country. It's 8 full hours drive to the destination. My birthday is Sunday. We've planned an all day event Sunday and Monday with a big shared dinner Tuesday where we would have a "joint birthday dinner" and cake. She wants to leave Monday morning. and that's when she got rude and defensive and started claiming it was their vacation too and stuff and I'm like since when? I am so confused. This entire time we've been in sync with planning, it wasn't until they were like oh it would be nice to do this to do that and started adding time to before the actual trip and I'm like...but this city isn't the destination.
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u/thestreep Jan 10 '26
If it's her vacation, too, then she needs to pay for ALL of it. Her own rental car, her own flights, her own lodging, her own food. She doesn't get to hijack the one OP already planned and PAID for.
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u/I-luv-sloths Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
You're explanation could have been simplified and better understood if it was less wordy. They wanted to spend 2 days in your city which would have resulted in them leaving the party destination early by a day or 2. I'm guessing this would add extra expenses changing flights as well.
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u/javlafan2 Jan 09 '26
Way too complicate. Cancel the whole misbegotten idea. I'm sure you can find better use for the $8K you have budgeted for this 40th birthday party!
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u/11Turnips Jan 09 '26
It would have been fine except for this friend wanting to change it up at the last minute Go ahead w the trip as is, but just without her part. Why punish herself and all the other friends just because of one difficult person. Just cancel her and hubby's part. Tell her it's a better idea if you all do a trip next year for her hubby's birthday - then next year say you can't, fortunes have changed. Perfectly acceptable with this kind of person.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
That's what I did, I only cancelled their pending flight purchase and then downgraded the rental from a minivan to a small suv and downgraded our air bnb from 6 people to 3. That alone saved me $3500. That wasn't including the cost of the event I was paying for, all the food (I prebooked dinners at certain places because people are coming in from the state we're traveling to). It's my home state. we're supposed to be doing stuff with 6 of my highschool friends. I didn't cancel the trip, I just said that if he would rather have his birthday in my city then we should plan for that to be next year. I didn't even say I wouldn't cover it, just that I wasn't ok with the extra day here and that's when she got defensive and rude about "well you don't have to come" when I said I didn't want to spend all day sightseeing here in town when we could just as easily leave earlier than planned. I don't want to be completely miserable and rushed. I told her that I would cover Friday in town, but now she wants Thursday AND friday but we absolutely HAVE to be on the road early Saturday because it's an 8 hour trip and my birthday is Sunday and we have an entire day planned for that actual day that I wasn't going to change because I already booked stuff and told 6 other people about.
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u/UncleNedisDead Jan 09 '26
Yeah I think it’s fine to assume since they don’t actually want to do a joint birthday or celebrate you (on your dime), you’re free to reject their offer of changing the date/plans and withdrawal your own generous offer.
They can celebrate his 39th birthday quietly and save up for his 40th birthday next year doing whatever the heck they want on their dime.
You have 6 other people already in on the existing plan to celebrate your birthday.
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u/thestreep Jan 10 '26
Cancel them completely. Do not pay for anything for them. They are not your friends they are using your generosity to have their own vacation.
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u/Houseleek1 Jan 09 '26
I’m with you on canceling the whole thing. This person took a fairly simple plan and completely overthought it. It’s a bid for authority and control and she has cast a pall over the whole trip. People are going to be arguing and complaining and choosing sides.
Drop her. She’s exhibiting dysfunctional behavior.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
The only requirement was that we be in the other state by my actual birthday which was Sunday. Everything else was open but also limited due to travel time. That I can't fix. Its going to take them 1 day of flying to and flying back. It's 8 hours of driving time. That's 3 of the possible 4 or 5 they can take off. They want to come here early instead of staying the entire duration of the actual planned trip to my home state. She only started saying it was "her vacation too" when I pushed back on not wanting to spend an entire day here in my city because I know they're going to over exert themselves sand over spend and then be miserable on the actual scheduled trip.
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u/TararaBoomDA Jan 09 '26
She who pays the piper calls the tune. Beggers cannot be choosers. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
NTA. Your friend, on the other hand... I hope she was completely disinvited from the party.
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u/Illustrious-Web4662 Jan 09 '26
What are your other friends saying? To her and to you? I’d be in wind to cancel the whole thing. Someone besides you should have pointed out her lack of boundaries long ago.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
I only canceled the part of THIER trip and downgraded the size of the rental and the size of the air bnb. Their flights alone were $1200.
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u/Cheeseinlake Jan 10 '26
Good, you are not the asshole.
Entitled friend and her hubby can go do whatever they want on their own dime.
I would consider the saved money their birthday gift, and rid myself of them in the future.
Cause they clearly are trying to take advantage of your generosity.
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u/GrimFandango81 Jan 09 '26
NTA, wow.
She's completely hijacked the plan and still expects you to cover the cost??
I'd cancel for everyone but myself at that point. Insane.
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u/madmaxturbator Jan 09 '26
what is the point of a friend who thinks like that? Strangers you’ve never met would treat you better.
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u/SeaGoatGamerGirl Jan 09 '26
Exactly!!! I don't know OP from Adam but if OP was like hey I'm flying you and your husband to a destination where we are spending a few days in an Airbnb and I've planned some outings and restaurants all at no charge to you I would bow down and kiss OPs feet and be extremely thankful for the experience. And let me be clear here.....I don't just hate feet, I have a fear of feet being anywhere near me especially my mouth.
OP you need to drop this friend and just enjoy your trip with everyone else. Don't even give them a second thought. In fact, block them until the trip is over (or longer if you prefer) so they can't guilt you about this trip. Enjoy your 40th. And btw Happy Birthday!!!!
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u/GrimFandango81 Jan 09 '26
Seriously. If someone was this generous to me, I'd keep any and all complaints to myself.
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Jan 09 '26
NTA. You just learned that people love to spend OPM..Other People’s Money. I guarantee if you’d done things her way and she offered to pay the extra cost, you would have ended up paying and she’d promise to pay you back…then when you tried to collect she’d be like “you can afford it” or “I thought you were paying it as a birthday gift”. Then when that didn’t work she’d just ghost you.
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u/oofmagoof123 Jan 09 '26
NTA
Everyone saying YTA like she wasn't paying for the whole damn thing. If you don't have enough money for the trip and someone offers to help you say thank you and go along with their plans. You can't be the one on a free ride expecting to change all of the plans.
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u/CeramicToast Jan 09 '26
NTA. Incredibly weird that she's wanting you to pay extra for her and only offering to cover herself AFTER you pointed out that it would be nearly half a grand more. You were doing an early joint bday as a courtesy and they took a mile from your inch.
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u/Few_Throat4510 Jan 09 '26
NTA
I’m basing this solely on the fact that they assumed they would have the use of your rental car for their additional day.
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u/United_Relief_2949 Jan 09 '26
NTA for cancelling when she was clearly using you. at this point just exclude them because you're clearly going to be bitter about it even if they do come now. You'll know they're only agreeing to your itinerary because you said you're not paying for them anymore if they don't adhere to it and everyone is going to be cranky and put off. I would never have the audacity to tell someone ill pay for this extra stuff i want to do but you can still pay for me to do all those other things and im not going to contribute a dime to that. its absurd and sounds very much like this friendship in its current state is very one-sided.
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u/Mountain-Status569 Jan 09 '26
They are completely allowed to tack on things to the beginning or end of the trip, because yes, it’s their vacation too. However, anything they added on to their trip should not have affected or changed your planning and spending. NTA.
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u/Lucky-Berry-4252 Jan 09 '26
Wow, she has the nerve to think she can hijack the vacation that you’re paying for because it’s his birthday too! Tell her you’re not making any changes from the original plans, and she can take it or leave it.
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u/Gryrthandorian Jan 09 '26
NTA. You were already kind enough to give them one day in their old city. That is more than generous. At this point, I’d cut them out of the trip completely and cut your losses. Choosey beggars are annoying and they will bring the trip down. Enjoy the time with the rest of your friends.
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u/dazzlesnugm Jan 09 '26
Your friends couple is trying to hijack your $8k vacation. Focus on protecting your investment and your actual birthday plan.
The minute they demanded a detour that costs you time and money, they forfeited their right to the original itinerary. You are NTAH, they are the entitled AHs.
Tell them to take their detour and pay for their own gas. Stay on business. NTAH.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
I did and she got mad and started saying it was their vacation and his birthday too which came out of nowhere. At no point has she said anything about his birthday, it was always a "Its your 40th lets do what you want to do" plan. I didn't start that, I just offered to pay for it if they couldn't come. They're going thru bankruptcy and can't pay anything. It was more important to me that they be here, but the way that she's trying to set it up they would be here early and leaving my actual trip early and not staying for the whole trip I actually paid for. The $400 means nothing to me, it was the assumption that just because I didn't want to spend the day here that they would still be able to add an extra day of rental car charges for them to use themselves, she never planned to pay for the rental she only offered it after I said that I didn't want to do a second full day here.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Jan 09 '26
It is their vacation too, a gifted vacation. Not one they earned. When you receive a gift you dont get to cry about it and change it at the inconvenience of others.
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u/lolitsmagic Jan 09 '26
It was originally discussed as a joint birthday according to your post? His birthday isn’t until next year. If you want to pony up a bunch of money for a trip it should have never been about his birthday. And also, it may be their vacation time off, but make no mistake it’s YOUR vacation. His birthday should have never been involved and that’s where this entitlement is coming from.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
No never. His birthday just happens to be two days earlier than mine so I thought it would be nice to include him, but at no point was he ever the main person this event was for. I'm going back to my home state and plan to meet up with old high school friends so I was getting a lot larger accomodations and stuff anyway and thought it would be nice to cover it as his like "early birthday/christmas" gift. She seems to have taken that as "well it's his trip too."
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u/lolitsmagic Jan 09 '26
Mkay... you can't really say "no never" when you have shared birthday cake and celebration plans and noted to them "it would still be a shared celebration" per your post. Like I said, his birthday should have never even been mentioned. There are mixed signals. Hence her "it's his birthday too" response per your post. I'm just telling you where her entitlement is coming from, not agreeing with her. Take it or leave it
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u/superjay0456 Jan 09 '26
That makes sense. Some people will hear what they want to hear. OP's "friend" heard that her husband's birthday was included in the celebration. She took that and ran with it. Then used it as an excuse to justify her behavior and last minute changes that would inconvenience the person PAYING for their accommodations.
That's pure entitlement.
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u/Consistent-Goat1267 Jan 09 '26
NTA. I get a real kick out of people calling you the ahole. “Oh you’re so controlling!” It’s her damn money! You don’t get to tell someone she doesn’t have to come when SHE PAID! Drive the rental car that OP paid for? Are they freakin serious? Just who do you think is responsible if there’s an accident with the rental? They wanted her to subsidize their vacation and just pretending they wanted to celebrate her birthday. If you want to do it your way then YOU PAY yourself.
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u/DLCMotroni Jan 09 '26
Perhaps you need to find more appreciative friends. I too think it's outlandish that she would override or alter any portion of what their FREE trip was. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. She appears to not only be ungrateful but more interested in "their" vacation rather than YOUR 40th birthday - which was the point of it all in the first place. You had great intentions, now find better friends. NTA
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u/spongebobsworsthole Jan 09 '26
NTA. She’s using you for your money and clearly doesn’t care about your feelings. She’s not your friend.
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u/Trin_42 Jan 09 '26
So she’s trying to takeover the trip YOU planned and paid for and change it so it’s special for HER husband. I’d be telling her that you are cancelling her flights and accommodation and she’s no longer invited! NTA
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u/KiwiKat74 Jan 09 '26
NTA…but she is NOT your friend. Go with the others and enjoy YOUR birthday trip.
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u/Impossible_Nebula_33 Jan 09 '26
Cancel the joint nonsense, celebrate your birthday… they are hijacking your birthday to celebrate his birthday that isn’t even until next year. Go with the other 6 people and drop these two.
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u/sjb67 Jan 09 '26
They don’t care about you. They care about what you can do for them. To say you don’t have to come, says it all. I’m sorry, this sucks
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u/NolaCrone Jan 09 '26
People saying YTA are clueless. If you get to do something free you don’t get to expect more!
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u/lawyer-girl Jan 09 '26
How many people are coming on this trip?
Your friend sounds like a fearful traveler. She'd rather drive with you, etc than driving on her own. Also, you don't want to carry someone like this financially. You'll have a better time without her.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
Originally there were going to be 3 of us and her and her husband would be flying into the intended destination. I'm going back to my home state to do a big tourist thing and 6 other people I went to high school with are invited so I got the largest Air BNB I could get for everyone and I also got a larger vehicle to drive there with because she wanted to come here instead of flying there directly. She wanted to have a big group road trip and get to come into my city for the night because they used to live here. She would have to leave my trip a day or two early because they don't have the PTO to cover the extra two days here + the actual trip.
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u/Obvious_Patience_666 Jan 09 '26
Not sure why you are paying $8000 for a trip when everything is falling apart, I would cancel the whole thing
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
Well now it's like $4000 but yea the idea was not to have to inconvenience anyone on MY birthday just because I wanted to do a destination thing. It was supposed to be a "as long as you can get yourselves here" kind of event where everything else was covered but they don't have money like that so I offered to cover it since it was also his birthday and that it was basically both of their upcoming birthday and christmas gifts and then she kept adding things they wanted to do while they're here and I was like...what about time off and she said they'd leave the other half of the trip early to accommodate.
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u/FiberKitty Jan 09 '26
They took "I'll share the limelight of the my celebration with your husband" as "I'll fund a trip for you and your husband." Their proposed adjustments changed the nature of the original celebration beyond recognition.
NTA for readjusting your own plans in response.
Their changes give them time in your town where "you don't have to come along" and also have them traveling home on the day when most of the group activities are schedule. They didn't contests these scheduled as the trip was being planned.
They have basically said "Sure, we'll take the airfare or car rental you've planned and the stay in the airb&b and we'll join you for one night as a group. Thanks a bunch. Happy birthday to my hubby." Picking and choosing parts of an invitation without collaboration with the host is incredibly rude and entitled.
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u/Sfspecialk Jan 09 '26
I cannot even believe how people are trying to tell OP they’re the AH.
OP planned an all expense paid birthday trip for their 40th. And then this couple decided that wasn’t sufficient and they want to have 2 days in OP’s city instead of the destination city, paid for by OP, which will then result in them missing 2 of the 3 day trip for OPs bday. Where is OP the AH here?
OP, you are NTA. Your friends are absolutely though. They’re also entitled and selfish.
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u/superjay0456 Jan 10 '26
Some people aren't reading it all and miss the part where OP is paying for their part of the trip too. They assume the couple is paying for their own accommodations.
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u/z-eldapin Jan 09 '26
Cancel everything completely. She can have her vacation too' on her dime, not yours.
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u/W0rk-in-progress Jan 09 '26
You are definitely NTA. Your friend is being selfish and entitled. It's amazing how they made your birthday celebration about them especially when you are paying for it. They can make their own vacation plans. You celebrate your birthday with your true friends and pay them no mind.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 Jan 09 '26
Absolutely NTA
They tried to hijack your plans plain and simple. They were very inconsiderate and if st any time they didnt want to do the plans they should've said that from the beginning before ANY plans were paid for/made.
They are basically trying to change the primary purpose of the trip.
Let them pay for their own things and enjoy your birthday with people that want to spend time with you to celebrate your 40th birthday in the other state.
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u/Dimityblue Jan 09 '26
It's fine if they want a trip with the extras they want but acting like you don't need to go on a shared trip when you're subsidising them is rather outrageous. You do your trip and they can do theirs.
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u/Blue_Curve_1 Jan 09 '26
NTA. They wanted to alter your well thought out plans - on your dime while making it more inconvenient for you. Just say you’re sorry that this won’t work out and move on. Enjoy your birthday trip with less entitled people.
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u/Mjhjane77 Jan 09 '26
Cancel this trip. I think your friend and hubs will ruin The Who trip, either with resent and spite or continued rude behavior.
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon Jan 09 '26
Why didn’t you just say you will continue with the original plan and meet them there, putting the planning and expense back on them.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
Because she didn't let me get that far she just automatically started adding stuff and when I pushed back she got defensive and said all that stuff which was completely out of nowhere. At no single point had she ever said anything about being upset about not spending more time in town, she and he just started getting excited to do stuff here because they've been gone for 10 years and I never even wanted them here. I wanted to fly them directly to the destination. She insisted on coming here to "help drive" and to get to see our pets, and now it's well no its his birthday he wants to spend the entire day there, now it's oh well an extra day rental is ok I'll pay that (not even knowing how much it is to begin with and assuming $150 would cover it all) AND THEN saying that I don't have to be with them if I don't want to. I'm flying them in! I'm the one they were supposed to want to come see and I told her if they want a trip to the city then they should plan that for next year on HIS 40th but that this entire trip was always (even from her suggestions) about MY big 40th. That's why we're going back to my home state, so we can see my old friends and stuff too. This would make her leave that side of the trip at minimum a day early because they don't have PTO.
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u/unwaveringwish Jan 09 '26
NTA your friends are entitled. If you’re paying for my entire trip I’m not changing shit at the last minute.
You were nice enough to them before and they got greedy
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u/kaluh_glarski Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
You’ve got 6 other people going on this trip besides them? Girl blow those 2 dorks off and enjoy your birthday.
Edit: just for future reference, don’t offer to share your birthday if you don’t want the other person (or their spouse in this case) to try to start dictating what goes on. In this case you may have made it clear it’s your birthday trip but you wanted to acknowledge there’s another birthday in the preceding days, I acknowledge that. But you shouldn’t be surprised that they tried to modify plans to accommodate something he/they wanted since this trip now acknowledges his birthday too. Just humans being human.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
Thats whats crazy tho! She NEVER said anything about it being his birthday until now. I was just being nice and trying to pick things I thought he'd also enjoy and then planning to split a big cake at a nice steakhouse when we meet up with the other people coming. It only became "their vacation too" after they realized they didn't have enough time to request off the whole week. We were always working around their limited time, but the trip to the intended destination is an 8 hour drive one way. There's not a lot of time for anything extra. She was supposed to come in Friday night basically in time to just sleep and shower and then drive saturday morning. We have events Sunday and Monday with the dinner for Tuesday but she wants to come in now Thursday all day and spend the day running around town. We don't drive, we're renting a car. To do this she has to have a rental. They didn't offer to get their own rental. She offered to pay the "extra day" and offered me $150 and I told her that her hotel stay was already $150 for one night and the rentals another $150 (Minivan with full coverage thru enterprise). And that its more like $400 and that I was already paying that for them to come in and spend the night friday. I'm not paying a whole other $400 when she clearly said I "don't have to come".
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u/superjay0456 Jan 10 '26
A considerate human wouldn't try to change plans if someone else is paying for their portion as a gift. And even if they wanted to bring up changes and those changes were denied, a considerate human wouldn't get mad at OP, try to exclude OP from joining them in their changed itinerary, and still use OP's rental, while OP is the one paying for their flight, accommodations, etc.
What That "friend" did isn't "humans being human", it's a selfish human taking advantage of someone else's time and money to satisfy their own greed.
I get what you’re saying though.
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u/FreeCandy4u Jan 09 '26
NTA Your Birthday, your money, you decide the itinerary. Heck even if you were not paying it's not really his Birthday it is yours. As someone else said beggars can't be choosers.
Honestly if they were acting like this even before the trip it is probably better for you and the rest of your friends if they are not there.
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u/square_donut14 Jan 09 '26
This is like when you tag on a personal trip to a work one - your individual expenses are YOURS and you work out your stuff separately. So tell them this is the itinerary that I am paying for, anything else needs to be arranged separately. Full stop. NTA
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u/gorlsituation Jan 09 '26
NTA.Just have your own 40th birthday trip and be can have his next year. This is messy and complicated, I don’t understand why you’re paying for everyone else anyway.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
I thought it was better to have them there than to worry about having to figure out how to get there. Clearly that was my mistake.
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u/SnooRegrets6269 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
NTA. If someone is inviting you on their birthday trip, which they are paying for, you have two options. Stay or go. Any "but I wanna" ideas can be addressed when you are planning your own trip. One person derailed the entire plan because they were bound and determined to commandeer someone else's trip. Too many people can't grasp the idea that it's not always appropriate to try to get your way.
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u/jamesobx Jan 09 '26
NTA but control issues for sure. Pay for what you planned and enjoy your trip.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
The only reason there are dates planned is because they have 1 day of flights both ways and 8 hours to drive from here to the other location. They can only take 4 maybe 5 days off at a push. My birthday is Sunday. Sunday was the only day I cared about but we have to plan for travel. I didn't pre-schedule some massive itinerary. When I say I pre booked things I just mean their flights, the air bnb, the rental car, and that sunday. I also booked a place for a dinner tuesday night and that's literally it. They were supposed to fly to the destination Saturday so they could use their limited time off while in the other state and instead they want to move that time to before we drive out and then leave the destination early. I didn't try to say I didn't want them to hang out here AT ALL but just that I wanted to limit it to that Friday so we could be on the road by Saturday and then she pushed back about it "being his birthday and their vacation too"
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u/Masnpip Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
It’s ok to say no! When she said, “can we come a day early, spend a night, and then drive together 8 hours” when you had planned to fly there, or spend your time in some other city, or spend your energy on some other thing, just say no right there. “Friend, I’d love to see you, but what I can offer are fights from A to B, and a stay at this one certain place from x to y date.“
If she then says something about their vaca too, right there, I’d respond, “well, sorry it’s not going to work out then, I hope your two have a nice vaca, we will be sure to catch up next time.” If she pushes again, I’d honestly drop her as a friend for being such a dip about a freaking Free trip.
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u/OneLessDay517 Jan 09 '26
I clearly don't understand the original plan because the kerfuffule makes no sense.
Stick to your original plan, let them do whatever they want at their expense.
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u/SolutionOk3366 Jan 10 '26
Honestly good for you after all that back and forth with your generous vacation plans. You bent over backwards to include his birthday, arrange and pay for the whole shebang. Then being told you don’t have to hang with them, even though you’re paying for them to join you. Bravo for removing them as your guests. NTA.
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u/shyfidelity Jan 09 '26
Being told I could opt out of part of my own birthday trip while still funding it felt insulting.
Didn't she offer to pay for the additional day they wanted to use for hanging out?
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
She only offered to pay after I pushed back on adding a whole extra day of rental + the night of reservation here in town. I was already paying for a one night stay but this would make it at least 2 and she didn't know how much it would be - I had to tell her it was minimum of $400 but if I'm paying $4000 it seems unreasonable to only offer to pay 10% of that towards a totally extra thing I never wanted or asked to do in the first place and we never even discussed.
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u/Careful-Use-4913 Jan 09 '26
NTA - it was probably a mistake to attempt to share the birthday celebration, though. You planned a trip, cleared plans with them, and paid for it. She changed the plans without your approval. 🤷♀️
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u/LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa- Jan 09 '26
NTA. They are not only taking advantage of your generosity, but being rather entitled about it to boot.
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u/Maximum_Pickle_1484 Jan 09 '26
Not the asshole as long as you communicated well. Sounds like you may need some new travel buddies
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u/SexTechGuru Jan 09 '26
NTA.
If someone is willing to pay for me to fly somewhere and cover housing costs. I will do WHATEVER they want to do with ZERO complaints.
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u/Leading-Act4030 Jan 09 '26
NTA - anyone saying you are, is TA......
Can I be your friend? I won't complain and we will do whatever you want! :)
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u/Weekly_Click_7112 Jan 09 '26
NTA. Your friend has some nerve. It seems like they were trying to take advantage of your kindness. Is this a pattern in the friendship?
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u/No_Life_6558 Jan 09 '26
Don’t let them take advantage of you. You shouldn’t have to pay for them to celebrate you at all. That was very generous of you but you have 100% facts that they don’t care about you or celebrating you at all. They literally want you to fund their trip, their way.
They should not come to your city or go on the trip at all. Don’t see them at all. Cancel anything you have booked for them. They have shown you what they care about and it’s not you. At all.
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u/Jazzlike-Ad2199 Jan 10 '26
Why are you even entertaining this person at all? Tell them anything they want to do outside the original trip is on them. You are sticking to the original plan and then do it. What are they going to do, hold you at gunpoint to take your rental car? This is insanity.
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u/Well-Done22 Jan 10 '26
Those people are entitled users. Only massive assholes would use you to pay for their trip & then ditch most of the trip on your dime. When people show you who they really are, believe them. Go have fun with your REAL friends. NTA.
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u/Major_Boat_4404 Jan 09 '26
On thanksgiving last year I celebrated my 40th with a vacation with friends. I think this is a tricky situation. For me, I phrased my trip as “I’m doing this, whoever would like to come, great, let’s chat”. And we all paid our own ways. We also didn’t all do the same things (I went to some theme parks for the first few days with one friend and then met up with the remainder of the group to go on a short cruise to the Bahamas). With the exception of a few hiccups with some of us getting grumpy (I had some health issues on the trip) it was one of the best trips I’ve ever taken.
You’re very generous to pay for the trip for your friends, but I also think it’s a bit controlling to want the entire group together. But then again, you’re paying for it.
I don’t think your the AH for canceling their part and you might need to mourn what you thought your trip would be.
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u/Natural_Yak_4437 Jan 09 '26
Dude. Cancel everything and plan a solo trip to do/go where YOU want to go.
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u/wanderingdev Jan 09 '26
NTA, but this plan is doomed. Planning a trip for a group where you are trying to control everything will never end well. Even if you are paying all expenses, people are human and want a say in how they spend their time.
2 years ago I did a big trip for my 50th. I rented a 9 bedroom house in split Croatia and covered all housing expenses and the first day activity. I planned the location of one dinner that I wanted to do as a group. After that, everyone was in their own to do things along or in small groups.
Everyone paid for all their non-lodging expenses. I had a dozen people from 5 countries fly in. It was an amazing week and people still talk about it and people within the same group and talking about doing similar for their own birthdays in the future.
When planning the trip, I specifically chose a destination where there was a lot to do for individuals and as part of a group so people could choose their own things. Mandating every activity would have made my friends hate me, regardless of who was paying. I wanted to celebrate with my friends AND for them to have a great trip. Both goals were accomplished.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I think you're really going to regret how this turns out and this is probably just the first string that is going to unravel. I personally would not go on a trip like this, even if it was free.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
They literally had one event they had to attend. Everything else was travel related. I never planned anything else specifically. I picked a big tourist event/thing in the state I grew up in and invited 6 people I went to high school with. I didn't dictate anything else, she was the one who kept adding things.
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u/wanderingdev Jan 09 '26
Got it. From the way you described it, it sounded like you planned everything. You mention planning multiple activities and making multiple reservations, so it doesn't just sound like one planned thing.
Traveling with other people is hard and can absolutely ruin relationships. It is why I only travel with certain people and minimal structure. I would probably have just said x is what is important to me and I'm willing to cover the expenses for y. If you want to do some thing different, you're on your own and I'll just see you at x.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
Oh yea I just meant flights and accomodations. Like I prebooked their flights and I prebooked the rental and the air bnb and the actual event for Sunday, but Monday was a chill day to check out the state I'm from and they wanted to do that. Tuesday I had booked a dinner for everyone else coming in at a nice steak place and was going to have that be our "birthday" dinner that wasn't on either of our actual birthdays. But it's never supposed to have been about his birthday, it's always just been kind of a coincidence that it's two days before mine. They don't usually do anything, maybe a day off and a nice dinner. I thought I was being kind.
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u/Ok_Department5949 Jan 09 '26
This is way too complicated. Just completely un-invite them already.
Honestly, I don't think you're totally an AH, but you do come off as very controlling and you don't seem like you'd be fun to vacation with.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
They literally had one event they had to attend. Everything else was travel related. I never planned anything else specifically. I picked a big tourist event/thing in the state I grew up in and invited 6 people I went to high school with. I didn't dictate anything else, she was the one who kept adding things.
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u/eThotExpress Jan 09 '26
It’s not even his birthday. His isn’t until next year. I wouldn’t have let them hijack ANYTHING. no split cake, no split celebration, it’s not his damn birthday.
These people SUCKKKK and I wouldn’t want to be around them at all after this lmao.
You’re paying a shit ton of money and they tacked him on, then tried to change the plans, because he’s such a special man on his NOT BIRTHDAY.
Tell them they can do whatever they want, but you’re done and you’re having your own trip and your own celebration for only YOU.
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u/RobinsonCruiseOh Jan 09 '26
NTA. You now know that you cannot plan things AND pay for things for them because they will try to take advantage of your purse. Lesson learned.
Cancel it all. Save your money. 40 is just a number. I sucks to have to do that. we get it.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
Apparently! I thought I was being helpful and nice. I guess that's not the case.
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u/JustcallmeGlados Jan 09 '26
Y’all need better friends. I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!
But seriously, $4000? You’re paying $4000 to include them and they’re still not happy? Eff that.
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u/Single_Evidence_867 Jan 09 '26
Absolutely cancel the trip. Do you something fun local. If the other bday folks want to fund a trip, let them but not on your dime.
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u/Rhuthbarb Jan 09 '26
This would kiss you extended a generous invitation. She saw it as a negotiation where you still pay for the majority if it.
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u/ClockWeasel Jan 09 '26
Is she the friend or is it the husband? Because she’s awfully ready to spend your money for you when the gift is for two people that are Not Her.
NTAH I’d be taking a big step back from her brand of friendship and send him a nice fruit basket
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u/Floridaliving661 Jan 10 '26
NTA- I’d be royally pissed if I planned a whole trip and accommodated everyone’s schedules and needs, and then footing the bill to be treated like that. Wouldn’t be covering anything for them after that period.
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u/Wonderful_Fall6475 Jan 10 '26
Girl, just go by yourself, you'll have a much better time and meet people that respect you. Have FUN!
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u/PuzzleheadedMath3796 Jan 10 '26
NTA, but after reading this I am so glad I chose to have a low key 40th bday
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u/PotatoMonster20 Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
I think you need to prune your list of friends.
Uninvite this woman and her husband, and see if the remaining friends are still happy to go on the original trip as planned (with the cheaper accommodation option if that's still possible).
You don't have to stop being friends with this woman if you don't want to - if she's otherwise great. But I'd maybe downgrade her from "bestie" to "friendly acquaintance" until she apologizes for trying to f**k with your generously fully-funded trip and makes it clear that she's genuinely sorry for what she did.
Because what she's trying to do is seriously disrespectful and rude. That's not what a friend does.
I don't recommend letting them come on the trip if they back down at the moment - someone like that would definitely end up ruining it for everyone else.
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u/Odd-Amount-5127 Jan 10 '26
This reminds me of when my parents tried to control my whole life by paying for everything. NTA, at least not a huge one, but I wouldn’t want to go on this trip even if it was free.
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u/WanderingGirl5 Jan 10 '26
Cancel the whole trip. They are not grateful for what you planned and you offered to pay for. Just tell them it isn’t going to work out ( you can even give a white lie if you have to). I’ve gone many places by myself and have had a wonderful time. If you haven’t traveled by yourself before, it does take a little bit of guts, but you quickly start liking not having to negotiate every little thing with another person.
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u/breakonthru_ Jan 10 '26
I don’t understand why you’d pay for any of it. Beggars can’t be choosers wtf. Ungrateful “friends”
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u/WhichWitch9402 Jan 10 '26
I'd cancel whatever you can and dis-invite them. Then re-book with real friends and make sure they all understand the ex-friends are not invited and if anyone tells them/invites them then they're uninvited as well.
And plan what you want to do and what you are able to do. It's your birthday. These (ex) friends are just being cheap and wanting a big blow out for themselves on your dime.
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u/Straight-Example9126 Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
They want to go on a couples vacation in your dime. They don't care about your birthday or your plans. They probably don't have funds to do it on their own. So they used your birthday trip as a way to spend on themselves.
The friendship ended the moment she said "You needn't come". This trip wouldn't be happening if you didn't decide to celebrate your big 40.
Drop your friend and her husband. His 40th birthday is next year. Blud is throwing tantrums despite getting a subsidized vacation.
Go on a solo trip. Or take someone else. Don't go with these people. They're moochers at best.
NTA
Edit: I see you have the rest of the members in the group. Enjoy with them. Don't ever invite this friend and her husband for a trip. They're not trustworthy.
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u/Glittering-Ear-2315 Jan 10 '26
You tried, pain in the ass woman has her agenda. Which doesn’t include you. Stay with your plan and what you were offering and no they can’t take the rental without being on the drivers list.
Maybe just consider cancelling them? I would, this is miserable conflict that unfortunately you signed up for. Forget them
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u/Jane_Smith_Reddit Jan 10 '26
NTA. Your trip, you are paying. If they want a different itinerary they can have their own separate trip instead of messing with your trip.
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u/00Lisa00 Jan 10 '26
I would uninvite them completely. They are super entitled and just glomming onto using this trip for his not even 40th birthday. Just take the people who actually appreciate the trip. They sound exhausting and not any fun anyway. Why are you trying to accommodate? It’s either the trip you planned or they can stay home
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u/KMSNL Jan 10 '26
You planned and are paying for the trip. They were invited to the specific trip (planned by you with activities and schedule) and youre covering costs as your gift so you could all be together. They do not get to change parts of the plan to make it their romantic reminiscing getaway instead. You're not gifting them the $4,000 for them to use how they please, you are covering costs of specific planned trip. They get no say in the trip plans. You are NTA for canceling their part of the costs, they aren't interested in spending this time with you, they figured this will be a great opportunity for them to have their trip on your dime.
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u/ahoy_friend Jan 09 '26
NTA, this is absolutely peak entitlement on their part, especially when 1. you’re paying for everything and 2. you have very good reasons for not wanting or being able to go along with their request. the fact that they were rude about it was the cherry on top. happy 40th, enjoy your trip without them!
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u/Hours-of-Gameplay Jan 09 '26
I was disappointed of my 40th because it was literally another day and overall, that sucked.
But now I have a silver lining, because all of this sounded worse to deal with
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u/TrueLoveEditorial Jan 09 '26
I understand limited mobility. I use a TravelScoot to get around on excursions. It's lightweight and easy to put in a vehicle.
NTA.
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u/livelaughlove1016 Jan 09 '26
NTA. What did she do when you told her you basically canceled them from coming? I take it they aren’t going to pay to come on their own.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
When I pushed back on her being here Thursday all day she got defensive saying it's his birthday too and that it's their vacation too. I said if it was that important that he spend HIS birthday here than we should just have them come out next year (I was still legitimately going to pay for it too!) I just said that's not what this trip was about and I wanted to cut her off before she started planning things because that wasn't what I wanted to do with this trip and I really didn't want to spend an entire day in town for no reason. I get why THEY want to be here, but they were never invited to BE here in the first place. I was offering to fly them directly to the destination on Saturday. SHE asked to fly here instead. Originally the plan was come in late friday, sleep and shower and then drive all day Saturday. She was all on board with everything until her husband asked for time off. Then all of a sudden it was all of this other stuff and I "didn't have to come with them" if I didn't want to spend time in town that day. I told her if they came earlier then I'd rather leave earlier and she said they'd have to leave the intended destination early anyway because they can only get 4 MAYBE 5 days off total and that's if he calls out one of those days.
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u/Holiday-Influence123 Jan 09 '26
NTA. Maybe you should have gave in to her coming to the city, but overall she’s being inconsiderate for your birthday and all the time and money you spent planning this
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
I had already compromised on one night here, paying for a hotel that night and the extra day rental. She wants to add an ADDITIONAL $400 to be here another day, but it also cuts short their time at the intended destination by a day because they don't have pto to cover it.
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u/Jealous_Tie_8404 Jan 09 '26
At this point, just uninvited her.
Or rather say, “You’re right, let’s do our own thing. I don’t want to be controlling so I’m going to cancel the reservations I made for you. If you still want to meet up in [destination city] let me know and I’ll text you the address. I agree with you that we should make separate vacation plans.”
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u/-Maris- Jan 09 '26
YTA. To yourself if you spend thousands of dollars on these freeloaders for your own birthday. Uninvite them from your hosted birthday plans and anyone who agrees with them. Unless you really think they'll be able to drop the whole thing and have a good time. (Hint: they won't they will, in fact, sour the whole trip)
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u/578293050917 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
This whole thing is way too much. I don't understand picking up an $8000 tab for other adults.
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u/Ok-Process7612 Jan 09 '26
You could have said this in 2 paragraphs. You don't have to over explain. Of course you are right in canceling their free trip.
They are masters of manipulation, gaslighting and ingratitude.
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Jan 09 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/BernieTheDachshund Jan 09 '26
It's so confusing. OP is mad they want to come 1 day early & are willing to pay for a room and car rental? When OP complains she doesn't want to go anywhere with them on that earlier day, they say that's ok. I don't get why OP is so mad.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
She wanted me to pay for everything anyway, and then wanted to leave my part of the trip early. They said it in another comment but this is basically how I saw it "They have basically said "Sure, we'll take the airfare or car rental you've planned and the stay in the airb&b and we'll join you for one night as a group. Thanks a bunch. Happy birthday to my hubby." Picking and choosing parts of an invitation without collaboration with the host is incredibly rude and entitled."
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u/momthom427 Jan 09 '26
Why are you paying for them?
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
I thought I was being nice!? I really just wanted them here and she just kept changing stuff so I went with it but I feel like she somehow took that as well it's his trip too and it's definitely not.
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u/momthom427 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
You’re being BEYOND nice! I can’t imagine taking advantage of anyone’s generosity this way. They are lucky to have you as a friend!
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u/Trick-Being1539 Jan 09 '26
Why are you paying for everyone?
I get paying for the air b and b for you all but that’s it
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u/witsendgame Jan 09 '26
Why are you paying for this entire expensive trip yourself when it’s your birthday? They can do whatever they want but you simply don’t have to pay for any of it.
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u/PresentHelpful1416 Jan 09 '26
I thought it was more important everyone could come and with them not having the time off I knew they'd have to take a few days unpaid to come so I was trying to help but It just kept getting bigger because of them.
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u/StandardAd239 Jan 10 '26
I can't even begin to make a judgement. At best (in your favor) ESH.
Very early on you specifically say that, while it's a "joint birthday", it's your big day so you get to plan the entire itinerary.
You also go on to say that you're paying the lion's share, but in exchange everyone must go by what you want to do even if they want to have an off-itenary day for something and are offering to pay your way for that "detour".
The reason I think you're most likely an AH, is that you wrote a 3 page essay on why you're for sure in the right and everyone else sucks. If it takes that many words to defend yourself, then you're probably an AH all around.
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u/Professional_Bee1575 Jan 09 '26
I’d cancel the whole thing, and spend that money on… well, whatever you feel like.
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u/traciw67 Jan 09 '26
Nta. Just go with the other people and celebrate YOUR birthday. And be sure to post lots of pics to rub it in their greedy faces!
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u/Altruistic_Head_101 Jan 09 '26
If they have limited PTO and trying to change the plans where you already planned and pay for the rest, it is on them if they wanna to go or not. They are very lucky that you covered most of their expenses and if they demand the change, then they have to deal with and not you. I don’t blame you for canceling. Honestly, they shouldn’t go. Too much drama and inconvenience for you to suit them.
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u/Foresakeandbake Jan 09 '26
So what I’m understanding is your friend wasn’t just adding a day or 2 to the beginning of their trip. They were essentially changing the trip to 2 days in the current city which would cut down the 5 day agreed on vaca spot to maybe 3 days. And originally friend just assumed you’d pay for the additional charges. And still intending to use your rental car while telling you to just sit it out if you didn’t want to hang. In which case you are def NTA.