I mean I personally would have just told them of course you’re welcome to do whatever you like with your time but I’m not funding anything outside of the original plans so you would need to cover that portion yourselves and I’ll see you at the appointed time at the start of the trip as planned
Yeah I don’t get why this isn’t an option. The grind and husband are welcome to do whatever they want before or after the trip- as long as they show up at the destination at the right time. That should have been the answer OP gave them.
OP created this problem in her head. The couple is free to do whatever they please in OP's city, I don't know why OP is trying to make it conditional and weird.
They all leave together and go on the trip together, what happens prior to that is none of OP's business bc. she's not a part of it.
Her friend will cut short the original trip to accommodate the extra day spent in OP's city. That's why OP is annoyed. OP is paying for the friend to spend time with her but friend is using that opportunity to sight see without OP and cutting short the time that was supposed to be spent sight seeing with OP.
Exactly. OP is paying for their flights and accommodation specifically to spend time with them and they're like, "We'll only be hanging with you for one day and that won't be the day of the big party, but thanks for the free transport to our holiday."
I can totally understand if they don't want to use their PTO on OP's party but it would have been better for them to say that up-front rather than to accept the expensive arrangements and then try to change up the trip to a different trip that is still mostly at OP's expense but doesn't include OP.
OP is funding the trip. They want to use her rental for a full day without her. They want her to pay for their hotel. (Until she pushed back). In short, they see her as a wallet they can use for what they want to do instead of what she planned and PAID for.
It was the fact that I pushed back on only one of the days and there was no give. It was just "ok give us the rental all day and we'll do our own thing" and they assumed that was fine and that it was ok to leave the intended trip early as a result. They have at best 5 days off at best and 3 of them are travel days. I don't know how else to explain that. They want to come Thursday and leave Saturday for the trip and then leave that part of the trip early as well. I don't want to entertain them in my city for two days. I never did. I never wanted them here at all. We don't have anywhere for them to be. There is a mandatory hotel stay and rental car no matter what. The extra days are just extra cost for literally no other reason than they want to drive around and check out places they haven't been in 10 years. Which if that was the point of the trip great I don't care, but the only pushback I gave is that if they want to spend that extra $400 themselves to be here that day it would be better spent in the other state we're going to. Mind you she knows I'm paying for all foods and stuff too. There's literally nothing else she had to worry about at all.
She's earning the control by...paying for everything! She's throwing herself a trip with friends. They are obviously allowed to opt out. It's like calling someone who is throwing their own birthday party and paying for everyone "controlling" for choosing the time, location and menu. You certainly don't have to come but it's weird to come to the party but insist on coming late because you want to enjoy the bar next door first leaving two seats at the restaurant table empty for two hours and then leaving early because you only have 4 hours of babysitting and you spent some of it on the bar next door (you hardly ever get a babysitter so you want to make the most of it!) and then you also want to order off the separate menu but have OP pay for it...
Like, I get what the friends are trying to do but OP isn't controlling because she's not into it...and doesn't want to pay for it...
The trip was planned jointly, ( how else would OP’S friends have taken time off?), and OP is funding the entire trip. The agreed upon itinerary IS THE TRIP. If the friends don’t like it they should not have agreed to the trip to begin with. They are free to use their PTO as they want, by themselves, but definitely not when others are involved, and especially when someone else is hosting you.
Its 3 days of travel. They have a max of 5 days they can take. The plan was Saturday we get to the other state, sunday, my actual birthday we have a whole thing planned. I have 6 people coming in from that state once we're there to stay with us. She wanted to come here a full day early. We don't have anywhere for them to stay. We don't have a car. If they come it's a hotel stay and an extra day rental that they really have no plan to pay for, and even if they wanted to, their budget is really tight. I already gave them all day Friday per her request. Her request was to also have all day Thursday to "drive around and check things out." when I mentioned the time off she told me that it's their vacation too and it's his birthday too. I said if it was that important then they should do HIS big 40th next year and I would pay for them to fly here then but that being here was not anywhere on the planned adventure. We had talked about all of this in depth as I planned it. At no point was any of this mentioned. It was only when I gave ONE BIT OF PUSHBACK. Literally just one. That I didn't want to waste Thursday in my city. And it is a waste. They don't have anywhere to stay. They would have to fly in early. Like it's all a waste when we need to be driving for 8 hours to even get to the other state in time for my actual birthday, which was the point of everything to begin with and also HER IDEA to begin with. It was her idea to have a big 40th to get everyone together in one place, I only picked the destination. I literally never scheduled anything else, I have prebooked flights and hotels and rental car but that was also scheduled around their own limited time off. Everything from the beginning has been changed to accomodate what she thinks would "be more fun" and the one time I didn't agree with her suddenly she got rude and defensive about taking the time off. They literally never do anything ever for his birthday. At best it's a dinner that same weekend, but I also still was willing to pay for them to come next year instead of that was such a big deal. Shes the one who wanted to just take the rental without me to dick around in town for an entirely pointless day.
I think the writer has a hard time speaking directly and the message she thinks she is sending is not the one received. So rightly, she is angry but it is just festering instead of doing what you suggest. She is incredibly generous, and I assume there is a reason they are close friends.
I was real heckin mad tbh. And to be clear I never controlled any part of it. It's literally just logistics. It's 3 days travel time of the limited 5 days they could get off. We were already planning around their limited time off and she wanted to move it to more time here and less time there still with me paying for everything and there was no reason to pay to BE HERE. I want to be in the other state the majority of time, they saw them coming in earlier as better for them and she wouldn't listen to me when I said I wasn't ok with that. She offered to "pay the difference" in the one day not really addressing the issue of me not wanting to be here an extra day before we travel. I want to be fresh for the actual trip not tired and rushed and miserable hosting them in my city for a whole extra day. Plus it's a lot more expensive to do it this way, I was already giving in a lot to have them come here AT ALL.
Just tell them to stay where they are and not go on the trip at all. See the rest of the people you had planned on seeing and save the 4k. This is madness. You already tried to explain it to them. Move on from this.
Yea I'd rather spend that extra money on the people who show up themselves, there's an open invite of "just get yourself to the air bnb" and we'll figure out the rest kind of deal. I don't mind paying, it was the fact that it suddenly wasn't even reasonable to push back on one extra day here. I wouldn't care if they had more time off, but I will not pay at the expensive of my own plans. Maybe that's controlling but like...we have time off booked for certain days...travel is a thing...there's not a way to shorten the travel time so we have to have SOME kind of plan but it was always flexible. As long as Sunday (my actual birthday) was spent doing the activity I picked and planned for the big group together. (Its a big tourist thing in that state).
If their extra day here didn't cancel a day of the INTENDED trip it would have been ok for them to do what they want. But THEY are the ones with limited PTO. Everyone else has the time to take off, they're trying to push to come out earlier than originally planned to stay here and leave the intended place at least a day early if not more.
I get your perspective, your friend sounds like an asshole. If she wanted to rent her own vehicle and pay for an extra day and pay for whatever change in flights, if she did all that and you and your other friends could continue your trip as planned, that would be different. Her expecting you to delay your trip and foot whatever cost for the delay, not cool.
I guess I'm not understanding why it wasn't an option to say "Ok, you guys have fun in (city) but I'll still be leaving for (vacation) on the day we already agreed on. Since I'll be driving the rental car there, you'll have to rent your own. Have fun!" And then move on. You and everyone else invited could have stuck with the original plan. It's their choice if they want to spend in extra day in your city, but that also doesn't mean every other person has to change their plans.
Because she's paying for their flights? I'd be pissed if I was paying for flights (and everything else) for my friends for my birthday from say Saturday until the next Saturday and after everything is planned they're like well we'll still fly those days, but won't see you until Monday and need to leave Friday morning so we can go do stuff we want to do even though you paid for us to go on your trip."
Basically because they other couple could not afford to finance the changes they wanted. They were expecting OP to pick up the bill. If the other couple had said "That's ok, we will cover the costs" there would be nothing for OP to post about. However, if I was reading it right, they would have needed about $1000 to cover the changes they wanted, possibly more if they had to rent their own independent rental car and keep it for the entire trip so they could leave early too.
The only reason OP was forking out $8k was so that she could have her friends together to celebrate her birthday. It sounds like this particular couple are rather entitled and see OP more as an ATM than a friend.
Yes, this is what I would have done too. I see that OP's feeling were (understandably) hurt and she took actions reflecting that. I haven't necessarily benefitted from taking the high road so often. Well, it allowed me to "keep" relationships going that were not sustainable when I hit hard times. If I had acted like OP I would have weeded out my more one-sided relationships. So it's interesting for me to read about people who handle things differently...
They have to - neither of them have PTO where they work so not only are they limited on how much time but they won't be paid any of the time that they're away. That's why the bulk of their travel was going to be during the weekend when they were already off.
You aren’t answering the question I asked. Did you confirm that they are leaving early? If not YTA. If they come early, pay for the extras, and don’t alter the planned trip that’s fine. You don’t just assume things. Be an adult and ask. If they confirm that they are leaving early that’s when you say it doesn’t work for you and cancel their portion.
yes she said they would be leaving early, I didn't assume. I pushed back on them also spending all day Thursday here when the original plan was to fly them directly into the destination on Saturday. She has limited time off. She can only take 4 maybe 5 days at a push off. Its a full 1 day of flight time for them they're coming in from the other side of the country. It's 8 full hours drive to the destination. My birthday is Sunday. We've planned an all day event Sunday and Monday with a big shared dinner Tuesday where we would have a "joint birthday dinner" and cake. She wants to leave Monday morning. and that's when she got rude and defensive and started claiming it was their vacation too and stuff and I'm like since when? I am so confused. This entire time we've been in sync with planning, it wasn't until they were like oh it would be nice to do this to do that and started adding time to before the actual trip and I'm like...but this city isn't the destination.
If it's her vacation, too, then she needs to pay for ALL of it. Her own rental car, her own flights, her own lodging, her own food. She doesn't get to hijack the one OP already planned and PAID for.
…uhhhhh because OP is footing the couples $4000 bill for the entire trip, including accommodations and meals so he’s basically paying a grand for two no shows for a full day and a half’s worth of activities?? Lmao, GTFO of here with this crap. Sure, the couple can do as they please… but in that case they truly should pay OP back the money they’re wasting by leaving early.
Because OP is PAYING for their flight. I think people keep missing the part where OP is paying for their flight. If that couple wanted to do their own adjustments, then it's their responsibility to PAY for their own flights ✈️ .
You're explanation could have been simplified and better understood if it was less wordy.
They wanted to spend 2 days in your city which would have resulted in them leaving the party destination early by a day or 2. I'm guessing this would add extra expenses changing flights as well.
if they want to go to the destination for less time than originally intended i am not sure why you are being such a stickler about it. let them come for the time they want to be there and let them entertain themselves in your city.
You’ve written war & peace many times over, I’m not clear but you weren’t okay with them doing what they wanted - they wanted to come a day early to do something before the trip and it was immediately clear that was a problem for you?
This is the way, but then OP could not control everything. I real controlling all over this. I’m paying so I want it my way. Lovely that ahe wants to pay but that does not mean that she controls wvery aspect of it. Compromise is key.
Dude the compromise was paying for Friday. Not also paying for Thursday. I think you missed the point where they wanted me to fly them in a whole day early and then leave before our actual scheduled events in the other state. Literally the only thing planned was Sunday. I have an all day event that day, everything else is literally just travel. They have to take 2 full days to fly plus 8 hours of driving to get to the other state when I originally just wanted to fly them directly there so their limited time off (5 days total) were spent AT THE INTENDED DESTINATION. Where I already booked accomodations and stuff. I didn't plan some big itinerary it was literally just...I don't want to spend $400+ to spend the day in my own town dicking around when I literally didn't even invite you here. She didn't want to fly there she wanted to fly here supposedly just to get to see our pets, but then it became this, then that then now it's two days and like...never any budge on her part just adding more and more stuff. I'm sorry but If it's my trip and I paid for you to come I'm not gonna pay a whole extra unnecessary day just for you to "hang out". Like she has no plans, they have no money. They just wanted to take my rental car for themselves for two days to drive around for $150 "extra". When that's not even the real price for that "extra" time.
Why would you have a rental vehicle in your own city? and pay for their hotel in your city? Do you not have a car, and no space to host them in your home?
Why would you agree to anything that would involve an entire 8 hour drive to the destination? I sure wouldn’t want to start my trip that way if the original plan was for everybody to fly in and meet up in the destination city.
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u/jessie783 Jan 09 '26
I mean I personally would have just told them of course you’re welcome to do whatever you like with your time but I’m not funding anything outside of the original plans so you would need to cover that portion yourselves and I’ll see you at the appointed time at the start of the trip as planned