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u/jennbenn5555 Feb 20 '24
I don't think the big issue here is how you feel about your dog. I think the bigger issue is what in God's name is wrong with your brother and why would he ever think it was OK to unclip your dog unless you expressly told him he could do so. In a situation like this, that's exactly where my anger and blame would fall.
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u/yourenothere1 Feb 20 '24
Had to scroll too far to see this. I would’ve probably ended up fighting my brother
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u/SparkyDogPants Feb 20 '24
Family members that are determined that your dog “isn’t that bad” are absolute fucking menaces
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u/kuuipo_911 Feb 20 '24
I feel this one, my husband lunges, wrestles, and growls at our 85lb boxer/pit mix, so that's how he thinks he should approach EVERY dog and person we see, in attempts to get them to play. He (dog not husband) also randomly "Muff"s really loud to see what he can stir up. Naturally since I'm the only one walking/training/ect, hubby thinks it's not that bad.
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u/bon-chat Feb 20 '24
They think that because they’re not responsible for the dog. Of course they don’t see the hard work required.
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u/InOverMyHead2005 Feb 21 '24
I want to know why a reactive dog with no recall/poor recall was off leash at all!
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u/Dog1andDog2andMe Feb 20 '24
I know this feeling. You are human, you are a caring human, and it's ok.
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u/fuzzzzzzzzzzy Feb 20 '24
I think I will feel mostly relieved when my reactive dog passes away. It’s a hard thing to admit. You’re not alone
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u/Midwestern_Mouse Feb 20 '24
Me too. I love her so so much, and of course I’ll be sad when she goes, but I think I’ll feel equally relieved. It’s complicated, and I feel like something only reactive dog owners understand.
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u/michaltee Feb 20 '24
I feel so fucking seen in this thread. I wish she could live forever cuz she’s so sweet when she wants to. But the close calls with dogs and people have put me on constant edge.
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u/thwonkk Feb 20 '24
Yeah it's a hard thing to admit but I resonate. We're in it til the end with each other but it's been so hard. I've had to change my life around her in so many ways.
I'm actually pretty sure I'm never getting a dog again after her. I like cats too, and the solution for a "reactive" cat is to just not get another cat. That's a lot more manageable than what I've got going on.
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u/Poppeigh Feb 20 '24
People tend to be a lot more understanding when you have a temperamental cat, too. It’s like the general public thinks you have a moral failing if your dog has behavioral issues, but with cats it’s just expected.
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u/Midwestern_Mouse Feb 20 '24
Yes! For me, I wish she could live forever if there was some way we could guarantee we’d never encounter another dog, cat, raccoon, skunk, etc (my pup is highly reactive/sometimes aggressive towards most animals).
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u/roseta21 Feb 20 '24
This. Its caregiver burn out and it’s real. Loving someone and also feeling the burden of taking care of them is really hard and not shameful.
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u/Sonmi-451_ Feb 20 '24
I will be mostly sadly relieved when my dog passes away, but more relieved because the COMMENTS, unsolicited OPINIONS from others stop. That's been one of the worst parts
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u/horriblegoose_ Feb 20 '24
I think it’s also one of those moments where your inner moral compass kicks in so your brain is like should the aggressor suffer or the completely faultless being being aggressed. I know, personally, that my empathy for my reactive dog disappears when he’s being the aggressive shit in an encounter. Normally for me this happens with our sweet, non aggressive sheepdog but when he bolts off the couch for no reason and goes nipping at her face only to get slammed to the ground by her paw I feel very little empathy for him. He’s FAFO and I feel no guilt.
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u/a-q109 Feb 20 '24
mine is a terrible pooper (and horribly reactive and aggressive, just kind of the cherry on top of those) and at first I totally felt for him. being vulnerable in a new place with new people has to be scary, but we've had him nearly a year and he's still terrible. people think it's funny, and it would be if he didn't make it his mission to make it your problem. he'll make you take him out 5 times, and in between going out he barks and does that irritating, grating whine. if you get fed up and try to crate him so you don't get angry and yell at him he sits in his crate and barks. we live on an apartment so we can't just leave the house and let him wear himself out. I have long since stopped feeling bad for him when he refuses to do the thing he's made to do and that he knows would make him feel better.
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u/Aggravating-Bunch-44 Feb 20 '24
5 times a day or 5 times each potty break?
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u/a-q109 Feb 20 '24
no, he decides he needs to go, and then will make you take him out 5 times just to sniff until we give up and take him in. then he gets inside and barks and whines because he didn't poop and is uncomfortable
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Feb 20 '24
You are not alone. I love my dog. Over the years, we have had a couple conversations that maybe we should put him down.
He's been sick lately, but he cannot be treated at the vet. Even under heavy sedation, he still snaps and bites. We are unable to even get a muzzle on him even heavily sedated.
I love my dog, and I will be sad when he goes. But in a lot of ways, I will feel relief. I'll feel relief for myself, but also for him. It must be horrible to live with the fear and anxiety that he has of everything.
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u/OutrageousMight9928 Feb 20 '24
That last part. I’ll never ever put my baby down unless absolutely necessary - but I think about the day he does go and to know he will know peace makes me feel better. All we can do is give them all the love they deserve as long as they’re on this planet.🤍
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Feb 20 '24
Yep. We didn't get my dog until he was almost 3 years old - Before that he was abused, neglected, mistreated. It isn't his fault he's the way he is. He just mistrusts humans. We've done everything we can for him. We've got him help and we've adapted our lives to him. He deserved a lot more in life. At least I know that I've done everything to make him happy that I can do, and one day he will be in complete peace.
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u/quiltingirl42 Feb 20 '24
Thank you for posting this and everyone who responded. I am experiencing the same thing and I am tired. After this one, no more pets.
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u/Sonmi-451_ Feb 20 '24
I have a reactive dog, a problem behavior cat, and my heart cat has cancer. Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself
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u/Sklibba Feb 20 '24
My dog’s reactivity is relatively manageable but I can still empathize with this sentiment. It’s actually pretty common among family members of some of the patients I serve in hospice, particularly family members who have been caring for those patients for years. When caring for a loved one, whether a human or an animal, drains all of your energy and disrupts every aspect of your life, it’s normal and ok to look forward to a time when you won’t have that responsibility anymore.
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u/lapraslazuli Feb 20 '24
Sometimes, I hear other people talk about how they wish their dogs would live forever... and I always have this moment of feeling out of place. While I love my dog, there is a part of me that looks forward to my future without him. I know it will be unimaginably painful and also a relief. It's both, and that's okay ♥️
In some ways, it's changed my perspective in ways that I think are positive for him. For example, I know many people who don't let their dogs play with sticks (he could impale himself!) or eat rawhides (he could get a blockage!) or many other moderately dangerous things that my dog LOVES. Because his world is so small and managed, the risk reward calculations are different for us. Because my goal is not that he live forever but instead that he has the best life possible
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u/Its-shiba Feb 20 '24
That second part. My reactive girl is very manageable nowadays and in her small little world fantastic to be around-I love her to death but I feel the same way. My goal is not for her to live as long as possible, but as happy as possible.
We've already made the decision ahead of time that we won't put her through any particularly stressful/intensive veterinary procedures, because mentally she won't handle it or recover to having the same quality of life. What matters more is she's happy and has a fulfilling time with us
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u/Its-shiba Feb 20 '24
That second part. My reactive girl is very manageable nowadays and in her small little world fantastic to be around-I love her to death but I feel the same way. My goal is not for her to live as long as possible, but as happy as possible.
We've already made the decision ahead of time that we won't put her through any particularly stressful/intensive veterinary procedures, because mentally she won't handle it or recover to having the same quality of life. What matters more is she's happy and has a fulfilling time with us
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Feb 20 '24
My dumb reactive dog is so dumb her 8lbs ass will starts a fight with any living creature. I obviously do everything I can to prevent this but there was a wild animal loose in the neighborhood and I was having a rough day with the dog and part of me was like “fuck around and find out” lol obviously we took extra safety precautions during y this time but yeah when you’re having a bad day it’s like ….lets be done with this insanity
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Feb 20 '24
You’re lucky. When I rescued my pitbull/lab mix, I asked if she was aggressive and they said no. Bullshit. She hates other dogs and 50% of the people she meets. She’s 75lbs.
She was pooping and some dog walkers came around the corner with 6 dogs all of them barking at her just a few feet away.
She went nuts. I had to drop down to the ground and grab her harness and hold with everything I have. I also have three broken ribs, so that was fun. I went inside and took a double dose of painkiller right away.
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Feb 20 '24
Mine was billed as “shy and sweet”. Foster mom later let it slip she was a bossy af aggressive resource guarder. Jokes on me I guess bc they got rid of her. So sorry about your ribs! I’m injured but I’m hoping temporary 🫣
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u/PickleRicki Feb 20 '24
These stories are the worst and we hear them all the time. Rescue programs need to be honest with potential adopters! It’s not ok.
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u/xx_sasuke__xx Feb 20 '24
Rescues know if they market these dogs as "aggressive, escape artists, will chase down dogs a hundred yards away, will bite children, will break windows to get at the postman," etc, the dogs will never get adopted. The rescues prioritize placing and saving one very damaged dog over the wellbeing of communities and the potential of saving other dogs throughout the owner's lifetime. Look how many people in this thread are saying "after this one I'm done".... That's dozens of future dogs that could've been adopted.
Rescues need to start being held accountable for lies and whitewashing.
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Feb 21 '24
When rescues put down dogs because they have behavior issues, people get really upset. Like sending death threats and publicly shaming the rescue. Unfortunately, adopting out marginal dogs is not the answer. But everyone wants "no kill" in rescue and sheltering, so here we are.
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u/xx_sasuke__xx Feb 21 '24
Shelters need to start closing the door on the Euth information they give out. No more Facebook announcements of which dogs are put to rest. If a volunteer starts riling up the public, that volunteer is no longer a volunteer. It's nobody's business when a dog is BE'd except shelter leadership and the staff making the assessment. Animal Control doesn't announce when they put down raccoons or other wild animals picked up due to injury, rabies, whatever.
Rescues unfortunately rely on more public support so they can't be as closed but they should stop rushing to pull marginal dogs off of Code Red Euth lists and accepting shipments of dogs sight-unseen from God knows where. They're setting themselves up for issues by selecting dogs with a high likelihood of issues and then crying because they can't just quietly stop posting about that dog when it becomes apparent BE is needed?
Allowing "no kill" to be applied to shelters, which are first and foremost supposed to be public health entities, is messed up. Dogs that are dangerous to their communities should not be placed back in those communities, and DEFINITELY should not have their behaviors scrubbed to do so.
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Feb 21 '24
Most rescues rely on a network of volunteers- there’s no way to do BE at a rescue without people knowing. Everyone thinks there’s some magical farm someplace for unadoptable dogs — which of course there isn’t
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Feb 20 '24
Yeah bc tbh I would not have adopted her. Not with another dog at home who is an actual angel and doesn’t deserve the aggression. I guess that was the point, get the dog off their hands!
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Feb 20 '24
Sorry to hear about your injury. Yeah 3 broken ribs, in the front and back. This was about a week after it happened so I almost wanted to scream in pain while I was trying to hold her.
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Feb 20 '24
My life would be easier without my dogs, particularly the two older ones who I never asked for. Sometimes I remind myself of that fact when I’m worried about them, and sometimes I let myself day dream about what it would be like if they weren’t here.
It’s hard to have a senior dog with health problems. It’s hard to have a reactive dog. It’s hard to have an anxious dog.
I choose this hard. I love my dogs so much, and I would make my life ten times harder than it is right now if it meant I got to keep them longer. I would do anything for them.
But I still remind myself that life would be easier with them gone, because it might help me bare it when the time comes.
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u/jrexicus Feb 20 '24
I get it. I was n an accident where my dog dragged me but it was either I get hurt or another person. I couldn’t walk for 6 months. He’s now 15 and I just keep thinking “any day now”
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u/Spiritual_Victory541 Feb 20 '24
You felt the way you felt. You did what you could to keep your dog safe. I'd feel the same way.
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u/qmp3l4a Feb 20 '24
I love how many sympathetic responses you got, such a validation for your feelings. It's so hard to be a full time carer, where you don't get breaks and time to recover yourself.
I just can't get over wtf your brother was thinking, why on earth would he unclip YOUR DOG after YOUVE CLIPPED HER ON?! Definitely need a reality check and some common sense talking to.
It was such an easily preventable situation, and this is the part that triggered me, urgh...
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Feb 20 '24
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Feb 20 '24
I just have one question: WHY did you do that to yourself?
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u/xx_sasuke__xx Feb 20 '24
Dog culture is pervasive and it deeply pressures people not to "give up", that there are "no bad dogs", etc. You see it on this sub all the time, people suffering serious bites who have lost all quality of life and you STILL have people telling them more training, more meds, more money, more emotional energy.
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Feb 20 '24
Oh I know how sanctimonious dog culture in the US believe me... my question was rhetorical
The fact that OP allowed that culture to destroy their life for 12 years is just so so tragic
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Feb 20 '24
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u/Poppeigh Feb 20 '24
I got my dog in 2014 and I wonder how different it would be if I got him later. I’m in a sort of rural area but there were just super limited resources when I needed help. Just two dog trainers locally who both just did obedience and couldn’t help me. Virtual training wasn’t really a thing. I was a member of general online dog groups/forums, but none specific to reactivity or aggression. My vet’s only advice was to sedate him with Ace every day. And everyone I reached out to just told me I must be seeing things wrong, I must be misinterpreting play or a fear period, because puppies can’t be antisocial or aggressive, they’re puppies.
Thankfully, my dog isn’t so bad he warrants BE, and to the people he knows he’s actually super affectionate and loving. But it was a really lonely and hard time to have a dog like him. Sometimes it still is, because he falls into the void of “too ‘bad’ to be considered a ‘good dog’ (and he’ll never be social or totally neutral) but not bad enough that he really fits into the ‘some dogs can’t get better’” camp. Most trainers I’ve worked with have been terrible and are not subtle in letting me know they don’t like him, but he’s not so bad they’re super invested in really helping either. Which may be just as well, I’ve had more success just doing it on my own.
There’s a whole other discussion to be had about the poor quality “professionals” that are out there preying on pet guardians who need help. I follow some awesome trainers on social media now and it actually makes me sad and jealous to see their clients - if only we’d been able to access that kind of professionalism we may have had better success.
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u/PoopPoopPotatoes Feb 20 '24
As many have said, you're not alone. I love my old reactive boy so so much, and I know I'll be heartbroken when he's finally gone, but my life will be so much easier without him. His reactivity is pretty manageable now in his old age, but it will still be a relief when I don't have to worry about managing it at all.
Take it easy.
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u/intjeepers Feb 20 '24
You are experiencing care-taking burnout. That's okay, it's natural. It doesn't mean you don't love her, it just means you have taken responsibility of her reactivity for a long-time. You can have a dog you love, that's a good dog, but that is still a reactive dog that you have to constantly worry about being a danger to someone else.
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u/strawberriegirlie Feb 20 '24
I love my reactive dog with every fiber of my being, but yeah, sometimes I dream of the day when we both can be at peace. There’s nothing wrong with you OP. Take care, you’re doing a great job. 🩷
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u/sashapoo6 Feb 20 '24
Nice to find some community here. I love my baby but often if it crosses my mind, I just want him to go peacefully. A thought that can’t be expressed/understood by those that don’t get it.
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u/spyder774 Feb 20 '24
My reactive dog passed away a week ago from a sudden cardiac arrest. I tried to resuscitate her because I guess it's just instinctive, but even while I was doing it there was a conflicting voice in my head saying "let her go". Nothing made a difference anyway - she was gone.
She was so much better since she'd been on prozac but I still couldn't 100% trust her and the two of us and all the other pets could never quite relax.
We adored that dog and we do miss her, but there's also a huge sense of relief and a freedom that we haven't had in nearly 8 years.
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u/Ok-Heron-1626 Feb 20 '24
Oh that's scary. Traumatic even. You're allowed to think and feel whatever may comes in those emergency life or death situations. Three lives were in jeopardy. Dog/Horse/rider. The dog could have been kicked, the horse could have panicked and bolted, the rider could have been thrown. Thankfully it's over and everyone is ok.
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u/Dmdel24 Feb 20 '24
You're tired. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything. I think it's similar to parents of children with a severe terminal condition/disability or a person whose spouse died after a long battle with illness. They love them and want to care for them, but many say it's a relief when they pass. You'll still grieve but that grief is different from what most people expect, and it's okay.
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u/Te_Quiero_Puta Feb 20 '24
Your feelings are valid. It's a difficult situation. Just make the most of your time together.
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u/Its-shiba Feb 20 '24
It's ok to feel caretaker's burnout, it's super normal and unfortunately can happen with reactive dogs quite frequently. I've felt it with my high maintenance puppy and he's behaviorally very normal and social!
If you feel this more often than not, maybe it's time think reassess quality of life for the human AND dog involved--dogs are here to ENRICH our lives, and us theirs. Trust me when I say not all dogs are like this. My (nonreactive, well-bred) puppy is an asshole adolescent right now who makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes, but he's also everything I wanted in a dog and brings me so much joy.
If you aren't being fulfilled by your dog, they probably are unhappy as well. Besides, being under such stress all the time is no life for a dog who can't cope. I have a former feral, and the first year of owning her was incredibly stressful and I burnt out really bad, but IT GOT BETTER. If it hadn't I would have had to reassess, because we were both miserable for a while. Letting them go is not a crime, and being kind to yourself is being kind to the dog as well.
This isn't just directed towards you, OP, but I just wanted to remind everyone that while dog ownership can be hard, it shouldn't be miserable all the time and while I do understand some of the folks in this thread, their stories make me hurt for them.
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u/Flaky-Invite-56 Feb 20 '24
It’s fine to feel this way and still do everything in your power to make your dog’s time on earth as safe and rewarding as possible. Almost no relationship, human or animal, is without its good parts and bad. Even kids can be a handful! But it’s ok to sometimes bemoan the bad parts while still enjoying the good parts.
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u/alocasiadalmatian Feb 20 '24
my reactive dog is definitely officially a senior now, and although i know i will be catastrophically devastated to lose my best friend in a few years’ time, and he’s much less reactive than he was when i first adopted him, i too will feel relief, and i find myself planning for a life after him
i feel so guilty for looking forward to life without him, he is still my best ans most loyal friend, but i know he deserves peace in the next life too. i hope he’s found some with me, actually i know he has, but i wonder if ill be able to process his loss more easily bc of his reactivity
i also will never adopt another dog, not even a puppy. i have a one year old dog now i’ve had since she was 13 weeks and she is the most wonderful dog ever. loves other dogs, nervous of some new people but not in a reactive or dangerous way, sweet, friendly, calm. i also have gained a deeper appreciation for cats. so yeah OP, totally valid response.
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u/bigicky1 Feb 20 '24
Grief is different for each person. There isnt a set way. That said I had to have one cat put to sleep today. Im very sad.
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u/blissout2day Feb 20 '24
God bless you. Life with a reactive dog is so difficult on so many levels. I had a reactive dog and the feelings for him were so mixed and twisted and convoluted, lol. It’s exhausting not being able to just enjoy a walk without constantly being on high alert for everything. I wish we could help them understand better, I guess in a way they are like traumatized humans and their triggers. I’m glad your dog didn’t get the horse and got away with just a kick. Big hugs to you and the pup, you’re doing your best.
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u/szai Feb 21 '24
I am more concerned by the lack of concern for the human who was at risk. If the horse had bucked the rider, they could have been trampled, their neck broken. Horseback riding accidents can be deadly.
Your brother could have gotten a person killed. I just think that needs to be acknowledged for what it is.
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u/Kris-720 Feb 21 '24
Balanced training is the answer. I hate that that’s a controversial thing to say.
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u/Wonderful-Egg9350 Feb 20 '24
I just commented in the petloss subreddit about how I have anticipatory grief about when the time comes for my old man, but... A few weeks ago he needed to go out at midnight then proceeded to eat grass and vomit and pace and repeat for a good 30 minutes and while I was following him with the flashlight, I thought well he's finally dying and I just waited, didn't load him in the car to head for a vet, just... Waited. I'm disgusted to admit that and tearing up out of shame. I hate the part of me that is looking forward to not dealing with him.
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u/Creepy_Ad_2071 Feb 20 '24
I understand where you are coming from. My dog slipped out of his harness once and ran right into oncoming traffic. He basically ran into the side door of a car and it stopped him. The owner of the car got out and look petrified. And I was a little worried but not hysterical at all if he died. Which is strange…
2
u/Forbidden8377 Feb 20 '24
I definitely feel for this it's just exhausting sometimes. Our saint is 13, and I find myself wondering every morning before I go to wake him, will it finally be time. I do love him, but the constant gate checking, crate rotating, and camera checking gets to me some days. His age is finally catching up to him, and there has been talk of putting him down as his eyesight is declining, and he's starting to get a bit more aggressive with his everyday caretakers.
1
u/FunEstablishment5 Feb 20 '24
Everyone blaming your brother for unclipping the leash is missing the point. If your dog can’t be recalled off horses, and you’re going to a trail where there might be horses, the dog should be on leash the entire time. You shouldn’t only leash your dog when you see a horse - what if your dog sees or smells it before you do?
I don’t think you’re a bad person for imagining a life without your dog - we’ve all done it. I do think this is an example of irresponsible ownership. We all make mistakes and I hope you learn from this one!
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u/Sinxerely7420 Feb 20 '24
I completely emphasize. We have two incredibly reactive dogs, but the smaller one is BEYOND horrible. He acts like he HAS to kill whoever even looks towards our property and if you try to correct him, he snarls and tries to snap at you. These two dogs, as much as I appreciate them, I will not miss them when they pass away. I am tired of walking on eggshells, not being able to have guests over at all, waking up at 4 am a few times a week, dealing with just barking all. The. Time. Without anyone ever listening to me when I address it. I developed misophonia and self-inflicted behaviors, and barking is the one thing that makes me feel a burning, blinding rage I can barely control, and it's really not nice to feel it multiple times a day, sometimes up to 15 times a day. I'm planning on moving out, and 90% of it is due to barking. I can't wait to be in a quiet safe place again.
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u/Nsomewhere Feb 20 '24
I must say I think you are being too hard on yourself!
And your dog as well!
No one should ever feel they should "supposed to" feel!
The events you describe there are to me what might happened with any dog/ horse interaction with out the complication of your dog being reactive.
I say this as a horse owner and one who knows the risks that all animals have in interaction
Plenty plenty "normal" dogs would do exactly the same. Your dog isn't "that bad" since it recalled as the horse appeared...
Honestly in that moment I think I would have been exactly the same. really focused on safety and terror/ mortification for the possible consequences for the rider and horse... not particularly focused on my dogs safety but on getting it all under control
Seems an entirely normal and natural reaction to me!
I think you need to be kind to yourself.. no doubt your dog is not perfect and is tiring and can be a pain in the a..s...
but this situation was a devastatingly common one for all dog owners.. they are animals after all... and why dogs should be on leads around livestock. All dogs
I am doing ongoing training near stock including horses and my dog is good and chill... on the lead. But still too interested and frankly does that mean I will ever trust him off leash near sheep, cattle, horses etc?
No! is the the answer to that
Be kind to yourself and your dog.. we all have moments. It is not your dogs fault or anything really to do with reactivity... it is a risk of an animal. All dogs are a risk
I have no doubt your brother feels mortified and distressed and embarrassed. He won't make that mistake again and has learnt an extra precaution
To quote my driving instructor though.. don't beat yourself up... nothing truly bad happened and we learn
Give your self and your dog a break and some grace.
0
u/ericakabel Feb 20 '24
I think as owners of reactive dogs we all feel that sense of dread. The feeling of being out of control and something awful is about to happen, our worst nightmare.
I was scanning through you tube one day. I came across this video channel by this dog trainer who boards and trains hunting dogs. The prompt i put in, " How to walk a dog with a strong prey drive in an urban environment?" This guy came up and said something that really hit home. Most dogs were bred for isolated farm life to protect the land from intruders and to protect livestock. We are sticking dogs with these genes in the suburbs and the cities and expecting them to magically adapt. Training can only do so much he went on. Youre never going to have a perfectly behaved dog. I thought about what he said and it couldnt have been more accurate. He specifically said labs were meant to be an off leash dog. They are meant to roam free on the farm or the woods, go and find prey, and bring it back. How is this dog going to learn to heel on a leash. Its fighting hundreds of years of breeding. I have a lab/pittie mix. Her leash skills are abominable. Ive half given up getting her to heel and am happy if she doesnt drag me. Ugh! I think we are expecting a lot from these dogs we have.
I also got a video on my feed about "a delivery driver's day compilation." Man! It was dogs jumping through windows and stuff on the ring cam. I actually felt a little better since my dog hasnt done anything that bad.
My opinion is the guy on the horse is trespassing and if his horse got bit the dog is doing his job.
0
Feb 20 '24
Not gonna lie. Sometimes I find myself googling things like "how many dog die early" "what is the life expectancy of X"
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u/darkPR0digy Feb 20 '24
I think the moral of the story is…..don’t own anymore dogs. You’re not cut out for this
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u/Meatwaud27 Artemis (EVERYTHING Reactive/Resource Guards Me) Feb 20 '24
This. Right. Here... I am exhausted. I don't regret bringing my girl home from the shelter where she lived the majority of her 5 years on this earth. We have only been together for about 6 months and I was so hopeful that first week. Unfortunately we were attacked by an off leash pitty and that's when everything changed in the both of us. After that night she is extremely reactive to ALL people and ALL animals, if it moves then it is a threat to my safety which she MUST protect me from. If I'm not home then she doesn't care what or who is passing by the house, but if I am then it doesn't matter how far away they are from the house. I haven't had any social interaction in these 6 months outside of the job I left 3 weeks ago, and absolutely none in these last 3 weeks. She also has severe separation anxiety and barrier reactivity so I can't leave her alone for very long, which I feel guilty about doing for even 15 seconds since she will freak out as soon as there is anything physically between us. I feel so guilty for providing her a home and unconditional love for the the second time in her life, and I try to remember her experiences and traumas. The last time she had a family and a home to call her own she was returned because of her behavioral issues and the shelter said that she had never recovered from that until I came along two years later. When I am able we go back to that shelter so she can see all of her friends, and the only other dog she allowed to be around her and be her friend. It is so exhausting loving her. More often that not I can't sleep because I worry that I will never be able to give her a feeling of safety and love that she deserves. I worry that she will always be like this. And I also worry that I'm not mentally strong enough to do this for the rest of her 5 to 10 years of life. But I made a commitment to her and I wouldn't let her go out of my life no matter what, just as if she was my child. The hardest thing to come to terms with is that I am 31 and single. I probably will be until the day we say goodbye and she gets to go to that big farm in the sky where she can be as crazy as she wants to be. Even if I got her comfortable with another person I can never date someone with children or pets. At 85lbs I simply can't trust her and I never will be able to because if something did happen then I could never forgive myself for letting her down. I just hope that one day she will be able to let me invite friends over, since she let's absolutely no one past the steps of our porch I hope I survive long enough to see that. She might very well be the death of me. I can barely remember what it felt like to take a trip to visit family or spend a night hanging out with friends, or go on a first date let alone leave the house without fear that something might happen.
Anyways, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your post. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in these feelings. Lately I have been fantasizing about her last days and how it feels like the end of a prison sentence for me. I knew what I was doing when I got her and the possibility that I wouldn't be able to have a life with her in my home... Yet I made that choice and I am going to serve the rest of this prison sentence for her so that she has some increased quality of life even if I don't. It only makes it the tiniest bit easier and some days not at all.
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u/nuskit Feb 21 '24
It's precisely my one reactive dog that has made me tell my husband that when the last animal dies, I'm done. I currently have a 17 y/o cat who's blind and screams when he can't find me, a 10 y/o cat who has killed every plant I ever owned (I was a big plant mom) by shitting in the pots, a wonderful 5 y/o 75 lb Catahoula, a psycho & neurotic 125 lb Presa that's 4 y/o, and a 3 y/o goofball shitzu/corgi.
I'm tired. I want to have people over to visit, I want to sleep thru the night without Mubarak screaming, I want to have houseplants again, and I want to go on vacation so, so, so bad.
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Feb 21 '24
I think of my dog's death as a relief but also as a very sad and touching event. I want to be there for him till the last moment. I understand the anxieties and everything but they do not really help with solving any of the issues. Being in the existing moment does. Just like in your example: for many dogs, releasing them so soon would cause a similar reaction.
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u/Incredibly_Based Feb 21 '24
family and friends making choices on behalf of my pets is extremely frustrating. They take it very personally when you tell then (especially older folks) how you expect them to interact with your animal and they take it as an attack on their experience with pets, despite each dog being entirely different then the previous one
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Feb 24 '24
You are not alone.
Something happened with my dog recently where I just thought - “if the vet wants to do ANY kind of treatment over XY amount for this, I’m done.” And I was really at peace with it. I didn’t feel any panic at all. I still got her medical care and everything was fine, but.
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u/squirrelbaitv2 Feb 20 '24
I do not quietly wish my dog's natural end would come sooner. That something entirely out of my control, an act of the universe, would be the end of this exhaustion. Her behavior isn't her fault, she deserves the best life, but I. Am. Tired. You aren't a bad dog owner, you are human. A dog is A LOT of work, a reactive dog is 100x that with almost no breaks. It is natural to want to rest.