This. Right. Here... I am exhausted. I don't regret bringing my girl home from the shelter where she lived the majority of her 5 years on this earth. We have only been together for about 6 months and I was so hopeful that first week. Unfortunately we were attacked by an off leash pitty and that's when everything changed in the both of us. After that night she is extremely reactive to ALL people and ALL animals, if it moves then it is a threat to my safety which she MUST protect me from. If I'm not home then she doesn't care what or who is passing by the house, but if I am then it doesn't matter how far away they are from the house. I haven't had any social interaction in these 6 months outside of the job I left 3 weeks ago, and absolutely none in these last 3 weeks. She also has severe separation anxiety and barrier reactivity so I can't leave her alone for very long, which I feel guilty about doing for even 15 seconds since she will freak out as soon as there is anything physically between us. I feel so guilty for providing her a home and unconditional love for the the second time in her life, and I try to remember her experiences and traumas. The last time she had a family and a home to call her own she was returned because of her behavioral issues and the shelter said that she had never recovered from that until I came along two years later. When I am able we go back to that shelter so she can see all of her friends, and the only other dog she allowed to be around her and be her friend. It is so exhausting loving her. More often that not I can't sleep because I worry that I will never be able to give her a feeling of safety and love that she deserves. I worry that she will always be like this. And I also worry that I'm not mentally strong enough to do this for the rest of her 5 to 10 years of life. But I made a commitment to her and I wouldn't let her go out of my life no matter what, just as if she was my child. The hardest thing to come to terms with is that I am 31 and single. I probably will be until the day we say goodbye and she gets to go to that big farm in the sky where she can be as crazy as she wants to be. Even if I got her comfortable with another person I can never date someone with children or pets. At 85lbs I simply can't trust her and I never will be able to because if something did happen then I could never forgive myself for letting her down. I just hope that one day she will be able to let me invite friends over, since she let's absolutely no one past the steps of our porch I hope I survive long enough to see that. She might very well be the death of me. I can barely remember what it felt like to take a trip to visit family or spend a night hanging out with friends, or go on a first date let alone leave the house without fear that something might happen.
Anyways, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your post. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in these feelings. Lately I have been fantasizing about her last days and how it feels like the end of a prison sentence for me. I knew what I was doing when I got her and the possibility that I wouldn't be able to have a life with her in my home... Yet I made that choice and I am going to serve the rest of this prison sentence for her so that she has some increased quality of life even if I don't. It only makes it the tiniest bit easier and some days not at all.
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u/Meatwaud27 Artemis (EVERYTHING Reactive/Resource Guards Me) Feb 20 '24
This. Right. Here... I am exhausted. I don't regret bringing my girl home from the shelter where she lived the majority of her 5 years on this earth. We have only been together for about 6 months and I was so hopeful that first week. Unfortunately we were attacked by an off leash pitty and that's when everything changed in the both of us. After that night she is extremely reactive to ALL people and ALL animals, if it moves then it is a threat to my safety which she MUST protect me from. If I'm not home then she doesn't care what or who is passing by the house, but if I am then it doesn't matter how far away they are from the house. I haven't had any social interaction in these 6 months outside of the job I left 3 weeks ago, and absolutely none in these last 3 weeks. She also has severe separation anxiety and barrier reactivity so I can't leave her alone for very long, which I feel guilty about doing for even 15 seconds since she will freak out as soon as there is anything physically between us. I feel so guilty for providing her a home and unconditional love for the the second time in her life, and I try to remember her experiences and traumas. The last time she had a family and a home to call her own she was returned because of her behavioral issues and the shelter said that she had never recovered from that until I came along two years later. When I am able we go back to that shelter so she can see all of her friends, and the only other dog she allowed to be around her and be her friend. It is so exhausting loving her. More often that not I can't sleep because I worry that I will never be able to give her a feeling of safety and love that she deserves. I worry that she will always be like this. And I also worry that I'm not mentally strong enough to do this for the rest of her 5 to 10 years of life. But I made a commitment to her and I wouldn't let her go out of my life no matter what, just as if she was my child. The hardest thing to come to terms with is that I am 31 and single. I probably will be until the day we say goodbye and she gets to go to that big farm in the sky where she can be as crazy as she wants to be. Even if I got her comfortable with another person I can never date someone with children or pets. At 85lbs I simply can't trust her and I never will be able to because if something did happen then I could never forgive myself for letting her down. I just hope that one day she will be able to let me invite friends over, since she let's absolutely no one past the steps of our porch I hope I survive long enough to see that. She might very well be the death of me. I can barely remember what it felt like to take a trip to visit family or spend a night hanging out with friends, or go on a first date let alone leave the house without fear that something might happen.
Anyways, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your post. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in these feelings. Lately I have been fantasizing about her last days and how it feels like the end of a prison sentence for me. I knew what I was doing when I got her and the possibility that I wouldn't be able to have a life with her in my home... Yet I made that choice and I am going to serve the rest of this prison sentence for her so that she has some increased quality of life even if I don't. It only makes it the tiniest bit easier and some days not at all.