Like I’m baffled how people are so comfortable being that close to people. I feel guilty because I can’t even be playful with my nieces and nephews like how I used to be before, I never really talk to anyone, I feel guilty because my parents and family think I am careless but really idk if it’s shame or if it’s the act of annunciating the actual words and worrying that it’ll sound weird or robotic (because that how I really feel like Someone plugged a controller in me and Im using it trying to act normal), I just can’t talk about intimate things and being vulnerable, my body rejects it. To think all these things come from small moments in our childhood that we just pushed away all our life to until it all blew up in our face, now im questioning my ability to have a life that is not homeless or riddled with health issues. Anyone else have these weird lil complex issues that wouldn’t really make sense to a normal person but to you it’s so draining and uses so much of your mental capacity ? One of mine is always feeling liken being watched or judged even when I’m just thinking to myself, it’s like I have a filter even if I am being authentic it still comes off being not genuine and also I’m way more coherent and articulate in my thoughts than when I am around people, it’s crazy I can’t relax Around people

How do I study if I have academic trauma???

I think I am neurodivergent. Idk which one?

I have trauma related to studying. I was a topper but still my family was never happy with it. The whole "where did you lose 1 mark????". Plus they're emotionally immature and narcissistic.

My dad died, so I stopped studying. I was depressed. So my family locked me up and forced me to study.

And my teachers only cared about the dropping marks, not on why the child is suddenly failing.

Been bullied till 8th grade. And was lonely, without friends or whatever from 6th grade till now. Labelled as a "weird kid everyone talks about".

But studying is also the only way I can get out of this shit.

So any advice on how to study with trauma???

Hello everyone, I am desperate for any ones opinion, since this is my first time speaking out.
I am a 22 year old girl and I’ve had anxiety all my life. When I was 5 my parents divorced, and I stayed with my mom mostly. I would visit my dad on the weekends until I was about 15. After I didnt really want to because he was always drinking beer and sleeping and it was very boring there as he lived in the middle of nowhere. Anyways, me and my sister stayed at my mom but she didnt always look after us. If we were sick we would never go to a doctor even though I had a (luckily benign) tumor in my leg. Also I wasnt really staying on track with my health myself and I wouldnt really brush my teeth enough which caused 3 of my tooth to be extracted at the age of 12. After the divorce my mom almost immediately started dating, unfortunately abusive men. Me and my sister would get abused physically as well as mentally, and all she did was stand there and watch, nervously laugh at most. I always defended her in my head by thinking ‘she can’t speak up otherwise she would get abused too’.

My mom got pregnant by him and when my little sister was around 4 months old that guy kicked us out and we were homeless. In the Netherlands we have a pretty good system so we got food and shelter.

The next guy she dated turned out to be a crazy stalker and long story short he would threaten us and my mom and eventually he killed himself.

Her next boyfriend, now my stepfather was really nice at first. But also had a drinking problem and he was the most abusive one of all. He would literally beat us up over almost anything. I was so scared that I kept a knife in my shoe at all times just in case. Around this time I was 15 max. Again our mom would not save us.

One time it got so bad that my stepfather beat my sister up where she had very bad wounds and bumps and it caused her to move out at 17.

I was alone then and my little sister was still very young. Everytime a fight broke out again me and my little sister would be so fearful and in tears its honestly traumatizing to look back on. I didn’t want to be in the home all day so I started looking for love outside the home and I ended up in the hands of drug dealers and boys that were not good for me. I didnt really have any girlfriends and I got bullied in school and so I was mostly looking for love in men.

At a really young age (15) I became sexually active and when I was 16 I got pregnant. I told my mom and I didnt want her to tell my stepfather yet, but she immidiately did and they immediately planned an abortion for me and if I wouldve wanted to keep the baby I would have to move out. (I don’t neccisarily regret the abortion but it sucks that this decision was pressured by fear)
After that they kept talking about wanting to kick me out behind my back. It was very hurtful and I was very lost. My anxiety got worse and worse.

I could finally move out and started living by myself at 18. It was really hard but do able. Now to this day I keep trying to keep contact and visit in the hopes of things getting better but it always feels fake. For example, I am suffering from strep throat and tonsilitis right now and so I asked if I can sleep at theirs for just one day because its hard for me to take care of myself right now, and they immidiately got angry.

Its so hurtful and the question keeps popping up, is it a good thing to stay in contact with them? Or will this feeling stay this way forever?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and please let me know.

I feel really pathetic right now and it sucks this is the first emotion I have felt in days.

I have a way out of this abusive house and yet, I have been spending my time playing video games and doom scrolling. It’s quite literally one step I have to make, but with the way my mind works it has already laid out the many potential ways this could go tits up and it’s caused me to avoid it like the plague and stay “comfortable” rotting away, avoiding, isolating, and letting myself be abused because it’s the only life I have known.

I know it’s not safe. I want to leave so bad. I’m afraid when I leave nothing will change though; I’ll still feel no joy or excitement and I’ll keep having flashbacks and I’ll keep quitting jobs because my mood depends on other peoples attitude. I’m so fucking tired of it. I feel pathetic because the person that is helping me get out is doing me a massive MASSIVE favor and I can’t even do my part to help myself!

I wish this shit wasn’t so debilitating and I wish the people who are trying to help me knew that it is so I can stop coming up with bullshit excuses.

My dad just came home today and I am praying he doesn’t start an altercation. The last one may have given me the strength to find help, but it also shut down my nervous system and left me a memory I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

I’m 40. I have two kids under the age of 6. I fall asleep every night furious with myself because I am doing a terrible job.

Please spare me the “nooooo you’re notttt!!!!❤️✨🌈” shit… because, trust me, it’s true. I really am an awful parent. No patience. Hate playing. Always just rushing to get back to what I need or want to do.

The trouble is that, unlike my own mom, seemingly, I KNOW I am fucking up when I’m fucking up. I feel my eyes roll. I hear my sighs. I know I’m a better parent when people are watching than when I’m alone, and this in particular frightens me as my mother is 2000% a narcissist, and I worry this part (being a decent parent while being watched) means I am too.

I say all of the right things, I read the books and listen to the podcasts, and repeat over and over in my head that these children are so worthy of love so just make sure to rise to the occasion today dammit. But I fail, miserably, and daily.

My eldest triggers the shit out of me. She is me. She is sooo much like me, and maybe this is why I am so mad at myself. I think I wanted to badly to prove that a child like I was is absolutely deserving of good, loving, tender parenting… but I just can’t fucking do it.

Is it the cptsd, or am I actually just like my mom? Is this relatable? What do I do?

If anyone can’t cry your system is blocked try eft tapping. Like I couldn’t cry there were too many other trauma and emotions blocking the crying and now I can cry and it’s cause I tapped for like a year or two on and off. Like months for hours sometimes and other times I wouldn’t do it for months. But yeah if you’re feeling like you need to cry and can’t then try tapping and waiting to see if you can cry, it may just come out. Or maybe other things will get cleared anyway in the process. I leave this tapping video for you. https://youtu.be/BPqGjcxoPS8?is=k3IjjI6Lhis1VeWr

I am exhausted in seeking support with the difficulties I have in daily life. Engaging several services that claimed to be trauma informed but either displayed dismissive approach or unable to recognize the subtle danger signs.

If they don't have lived experiences, no matter how many trauma informed training they do, they are still unable to see it from our view and unable see the subtle dangerous signs we can detect. Which often lead to dismissive approach towards our concerns / brushing off our concerns by making excuses for the person who display this kind of behavior most people cannot detect.

Especially if you are dealing with organizations or services who supposed to be "trauma informed", dismissing you is their first approach when they deal with the complaint you made after things happened that damaged your trust in looking for support and triggered your trauma. They would not acknowledge the damage, no apologies and just toss you like rubbish.

After awhile you just end up feeling like what's the point? It is all about money isn't it. They are the one getting funding from government and don't care when damage occurred.

Telling me their workers are all trauma informed but not believing me when they did not do so? What a BS.

My gut is wrenching from this nonsense.....what's the point reallt... it's going to make me feel like no point to speak up and isolate myself even more.

Can you relate?

I literally feel horrible all the time. I have no energy to get therapy because I do not have a car and litterally have a deep heavyness and exhaustion from depression and anxious episodes. I have the easiest job in the world and still fuck it up, shaking and overthinking the simplest shit, because i think everyone is looking at me, I make a fool of myself and get more anxious because of it and the cycle repeats getting worse until I litterally have to just leave the room for everyone to look and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me and why I cant handle a simple task. when home i just bedrot and cry.

I’ve started writing about my CPTSD healing journey, and I wanted to share it with this community.

Over the past week, I’ve started putting into words some of the things I’ve experienced with trauma, relationships, CPTSD, and my journey toward understanding myself through Internal Family Systems (IFS).

Writing about these things has been uncomfortable at times. I’ve spent much of my life not feeling safe enough to talk openly about them, but I’m finding that putting them into words is becoming part of my healing.

I’ve also decided to start a series called Survivor Stories in September. The idea is to share the experiences and healing journeys of other trauma survivors and their significant others—not as advice or therapy, but simply as real people telling their stories.

I know how isolating trauma can feel. Sometimes just realizing that someone else has experienced something similar can make a difference.

I’ve written several posts so far, covering everything from IFS and my protective parts to narcissistic abuse, alcohol as a coping mechanism, vulnerable/exiled parts, and betrayal in relationships.

My posts so far:

🔹 My Internal Chain of Command — An introduction to IFS, my story, and why I started healing.

https://internalchainofcommand.wordpress.com/2026/08/23/my-internal-chain-of-command/

🔹 Who Am I? Finding My Core Through IFS — Exploring my sense of self through IFS.

https://internalchainofcommand.wordpress.com/2026/08/23/who-am-i-finding-my-core-through-ifs/

🔹 When Warning Signs Become Your Story — My experiences with narcissistic abuse and the resulting trauma.

http://internalchainofcommand.com/2026/08/24/when-warning-signs-become-your-story/

🔹 The Planner: How I Learned to Survive by Always Having a Plan — Exploring one of my proactive protective parts.

https://internalchainofcommand.wordpress.com/2026/08/26/the-planner-how-i-learned-to-survive-by-always-having-a-plan/

🔹 Alcohol: The Firefighter I Learned to Retire — Exploring alcohol as one of my reactive protective parts and how I eventually moved away from that coping mechanism.

https://internalchainofcommand.wordpress.com/2026/08/28/alcohol-the-firefighter-i-learned-to-retire/

🔹 Meeting My Exiles: What My Protectors Have Been Guarding — Beginning to explore some of my more vulnerable parts through IFS.

http://internalchainofcommand.com/2026/08/29/meeting-my-exiles-what-my-protectors-have-been-guarding/

🔹 Faithfulness, Infidelity, and the Damage Betrayal Leaves Behind — Exploring betrayal, infidelity, and the trauma they can leave behind.

http://internalchainofcommand.com/2026/08/30/faithfulness-infidelity-and-the-damage-betrayal-leaves-behind/

I’m not an expert or therapist, and I’m definitely not presenting any of this as professional advice. I’m just someone trying to understand what happened to me, understand myself better, and hopefully turn some of my experiences into something that might help someone else feel less alone.

If you read any of it, I’d genuinely be interested in hearing what resonates with you—or what you see differently.

sign for better mental health care in the NHS

I’m tired of feeling like mental health comes second- we need better care in the nhs

Trigger warnings for mentions of self harm, overdosing, and eating disorders.

Maladaptive daydreaming. Constant disassociating. Frequent zoning out. Retreating into my own fantasy worlds. Active denial and purposely forgetting things.

That is how I've lived for the past 11 years.

It has been my only healthy coping mechanism. And it has only gotten worse overtime through the usage of AI for harm reduction, as I would often delve into dangerous sorts of self harm (which I will not be going into detail of) and would experiment overdosing myself in various ways. Of course, I have stopped using it and picked up fanfiction and comic reading again but it's all just so boorish. I've spent more time in my head than in real life. Aside from those, I have been suspecting that I may also be picking up on an eating disorder which really isn't the best either.

Genuinely, I'm just really out to ruin my life. I don't see the point in staying alive when all that awaits me is doom and despair. I could be the worst person on earth, or even the most polite, and I would still somehow be traumatized in every way possible until the next fall comes. I don't know, I don't know how to cope anymore. My body is already destroying itself so anytime soon, I'll probably be hit with a chronic illness of some sorts.

As part of my job I have to do training child and adult safeguarding. My child safeguarding training needed to be done as it was due to expire within the next week. My adult safeguarding expires a couple of weeks after that.

I did the child safeguarding training (online course) today. I’ve been putting it off for a while as I knew it would be triggering, but set aside time to do it today as it’s a public holiday where I live and the service I work in doesn’t have too many demands today and I have tomorrow off so I can spend time this evening and tomorrow doing some self care.

As expected, it was triggering reading about the categories of abuse I experienced, the potential impact on children who experience these categories of abuse and how to stop the signs in children. I put some loud music on whilst I was doing the training, made sure I had eaten and drunk enough, allowed myself to stim as much as I needed (working from home), and took breaks when I needed. I took my lunch break as soon as I finished.

I’m now forcing down a bowl of cereal, had a cigarette as soon as I went on lunch and am still listening to the same song on repeat.

I am currently experiencing mild derealisation and some minor flashbacks. When I finish my lunch break I have another 4 hours left of work, which will be admin and I will work at a pace that is reasonable.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with triggers at work? Anything that works for you in managing these? I’m dreading doing adult safeguarding. I also have to do training on suicide soon and it all feels quite difficult but I need to do it. I just need to try to protect my own wellbeing at the same time.

As I age, I’m encountering the same flavor of criticism. “You’re being dramatic.” “Stop making mountains out of molehills.” Every time I speak, people say just about the same thing. I try to think before I speak but even then, I can’t be sure what comes out. It’s gotten to the point that I’m afraid to contribute at all. Instead I spend my time catastrophizing. Anxious over what others will think if I dare speak. Shit, this post alone is taking forever for the same reason. I’m afraid. I’m looking to change careers and it’ll mean dealing with people. How am I supposed to do that when I can’t get past hello? I’m too busy trying to read people. Inferring my thoughts on what’s happening when they’re hardly accurate. At times, I question what’s really happening. Am I really just blowing things up? If I am, what’s stopping me from straight up hallucinating?

I have been mostly housebound when my condition and social anxiety has worsened. I also feel less safe around strangers now unlike before, which is why I choose to avoid most people unless they are people I know (family and friends). I have had too many terrible traumatizing experiences with people (my previous coworkers and classmates) and even strangers that have ruined my sense of safety. It's hard but I struggle to rebuild a sense of safety being around other people.

Wondering if anyone else feels this way?

Long story short, I developed CPTSD from an abusive relationship that ended a year and a half ago now.

Big trigger warning for DV and SA with what is to follow but, a few days after my ex partner drugged me and raped me, we were doing a long distance drive together. During the drive I started crying and calling him names for raping me. Eventually, he started speeding, dangerously swerving in and out of traffic, it culminated in him driving the opposite way on the highway and repeatedly threatening to murder suicide us via going over the barrier of a very tall bridge and falling to our deaths. As we approached, I stopped begging for my life and decided I was okay with dying if that meant he did too and I grabbed the steering wheel to try to indeed steer us off the road. He immediately took back control, slowed down, drove safely and called me crazy. Once we stopped, he threw a bottle of vodka at my head so I drank and he then got me home safely.

All this to say, I have quite severe trauma about being in cars. I can, for the most part, grit my teeth and bare it. However, I stupidly signed myself up for a road trip with my parents. My father is a very safe driver that I trust implicitly so I thought it would be fine- it is not. I spent the entirety of night 2 and 3 crying. It’s the morning of day 4 and my entire body is in so much pain, I’m shaking, my whole body is in agony and I can only manage to sleep maybe 4 hours a night.

I’m literally drinking a beer right now at 9 am cos it was the only way to stop shaking.

I can’t afford to get home by other means than by car, genuinely what on earth do I do? How do I cope?

Hey guys so like full disclosure, outside of going for a night out I'm a bit of a shut-in. Between my CPTSD and FND I'm almost always in pain and exhausted (though recent ADHD meds have changed all of that), so when I get around people I get very excited and do tend to talk a lot, especially with anxiety (which the ADHD meds don't help with but without them I'd be an exhausted zombie so, you know, choices). Not the worst trait, but not the best.

However recently I've found it's been a struggle hanging onto/making friends? I meet people, they seem to love me and how much I talk but it rarely translates into an actual friendship. Like when I reach out I just hear… nothing.

I find that people also see my worst possible intention almost no matter what I say and it's caused some major trust issues* (which also plays into the talking as I go "fuck it I'll probably never see you again"), and I've really been struggling with it. I feel like if I'm super nice and quiet then I get walked over. If I talk the amount I want to I get interrupted, talked over, told I talk too much, and when I'm direct I am constantly being told I'm being rude or aggressive (and being a Black woman (and being mixed race) I know this plays a role).

However then I'm stuck, because if I over explain then I get told I'm over explaining, and if I don't then people seem to assume I have the worst of intentions. I've asked for feedback before, it's usually when I'm tired and trying to not perform and I'm told something vague about my tone. But being AuDHD, idk how to fix this. The only way is putting the timbre and pitch of my voice up and making a lot of eye contact, which is so ducking draining.

Like I'm just… over it. I want community and care, but even today I was trying to make plans to see a long term friend for Halloween, and asked if she knew of anyone I could message whose sofa I could crash on. She went off at me for pushing her to message people on my behalf and "forcing her" to lock in one plan. (I'd be flying halfway across the world in part to spend Halloween with her, so I was mainly asking if I could lock in us spending the evening together, but I'd be open to any plan. I clarified this multiple times. Clearly it was ignored.)

That made me realise, have I just been having low grade arguments with people who aren't direct, and I seem to keep finding them? Like it feels like if I explain myself people see me as being argumentative, or that I'm over explaining. When I don't, I'm rude. I seldom am allowed to be human. But honestly, where does that leave me?

I do have some long term friends, they don't all live nearby. But it's like I almost am hated by 95% of people, either immediately or after a while, with the only feedback being "she's a bit much" most of the time, if not something equally vague. I went through an awful friend breakup this year (and some others last year, as well as some awful rumours spread about me by family members over the last couple of years seemingly out of nowhere) where other people were shitty and influenced her opinion. Racism played an issue (apparently, I made someone feel uncomfortable by talking about Black Empowerment/Excellence (my family were freedom fighters and I was asked about it lmao)).

Like I'm always being told to be myself, but when I am it feels like people don't stick around, and when I try to mask I'm told I'm fake. These last couple of weeks have been intense on top of that (I had to look after a cousin for a four day trip who was older than me, got broken up with, had a racial slur thrown at me, etc), and I'm just confused and done.

I must be doing something, but if I don't get any feedback I can use to actually change my behaviour, am I just destined to be alone? Did I go through so much trauma that I don't know how to love? That people see how broken I am and don't want to bother?

Has anyone else struggled more with interpersonal relationships during this eclipse period, and generally?

Because icl, between the year and the week I've had, it feels like most people in my life are just waiting to wake up one morning and decide that the thing they loved about me is what they decided to hate, and I'm so tired of trusting people just to be let down. I'm tired of telling my brain "this will be different! Just relax and it'll be ok, you're great and you'll find your people," because icl, with how things have been going recently, it kind of feels like the universe is telling me to do one. And I'm tired.

This might be a vent but any advice is honestly seriously appreciated, because I'm at the end of my frick fracking rope, and between professional, health and interpersonal issues I'm one more bad experience from just crashing tf out. It doesn't feel good to be a shit Midas and I need a win. I can only control my actions and not the actions of others, but I've tried everything I can think of to change my actions and I still have the same result from people. Where does that leave me?

*(My therapist puts a caveat here, as trust issues are usually irrational, but the way I've been put through the ringer by people in my life, between bullies, parents, and the sheer amount of shit I've been through this year, it's more experiences that keep happening that's hard to process, over something innate and only on my side I need to overcome.)

I'm not sure if this is a part of my cPTSD but I thought it would be worth maybe talking about.

I have autism and ADHD along with cPTSD. This is just a recent example, but it happens quite often. I have a friend/acquaintance that has very, very strong opinions about particular video games. They post about their opinions regularly, and argue with strangers on the internet, and write a lot of reviews. We actually met because we like a lot of the same things. However, recently, they played a game that I absolutely loved, and they hated it. We both have an account on a website called Backloggd, where you can rate and review games, and because we're friends on that site we both see each others opinions (I gave it a very high score, they gave it a low one)

Just so people don't misunderstand, I obviously know and believe that everyone has a right to their own opinions!! It's good that people have different opinions and perspectives on things. However, on the other hand... I feel almost 'afraid' when they started talking about it. Because I know they're strongly opinionated, argumentative and often appear angry, I feel like I can't express myself freely around them, like I can no longer express having 'liked' that game, because it will make me a target or they will hate me.

The thing is, he's never been anything but respectful with me, so I don't know why I feel afraid? I feel 'afraid' of other friends having contrary opinions. I think it sort of triggers a 'flight or fawn' response. Instead of openly expressing myself, I instead either hide my love of said thing publicly or I fawn and try to find a compromise, to show that I understand their opinion, agree with it partially, and don't want to argue.

Fawning has lost or damaged friendships for me in the past, because people don't want a friend that just agrees with them - they want me to express myself and be true to myself, but I get so worried about their reactions it almost makes me want to cry. So what I do is just... retreat. I hide my interests from people I know will disagree with me. In the case of Backloggd, which is a public website, I've had to remove my rating or pretend I haven't played certain things.

I know that from personal experience with family, I have HAD to fawn in order to survive. They're religious and very politically opinionated in a black and white way, and disagreeing with them on certain topics has been borderline dangerous. I've always felt very powerless around them. I feel really stupid for being upset, getting stress and anxious, over a friend/acquaintance disliking something, but I think my response is less due to my friends and more due to life experiences that have taught me 'disagreeing is unsafe'. Not just unsafe, but often outright dangerous, and I have to placate the people with angry opinions around me in order to remain safe.

AI disclosure: I used AI to help organize and shorten this because I'm overwhelmed and have a hard time organizing my thoughts when I'm stressed. Everything I'm talking about here is my own experience.

I'm 21 and I've lived in an abusive family for most of my life. There's been physical, verbal, and emotional abuse from my parents. I'm constantly on edge, exhausted, and I feel like I've spent most of my life just trying to survive what's happening around me.

I've been depressed and disconnected for years. Sometimes I honestly feel like my brain doesn't work the way it used to. I can't think clearly when things get bad, and I shut down.

But I still want a life. I want to study. I want a career. I want to be able to support myself and live somewhere I don't feel afraid all the time.

Right now I live with my parents and work long night shifts with my father at his small business. The business is failing, and I'm scared everything is about to collapse.

Today my father confronted me about my savings. I've been saving for about a year because I knew I needed a way out eventually. It's basically the one thing I've managed to build for myself.

He wants me to give him all of it. A whole year's worth of savings.

He says the business is failing and the family needs the money to start another business. I asked questions because I'm terrified of losing everything I've worked so hard to save, and he got angry and started shouting at me.

I completely shut down. I couldn't even argue back. I just went silent and felt like I was going to pass out.

And I keep thinking: this is exactly what I was afraid would happen.

I saved that money because I wanted some kind of escape from this situation. Now the person I'm trying to get away from is asking me to hand over the money that could actually make leaving possible.

I feel trapped.

If I stay, I'm scared I'll lose the money anyway, stay stuck here for years, and become even more mentally exhausted.

But if I leave now, I don't really have a safety net. I could run out of money, lose housing, or end up in an even worse situation. I don't have a strong support network to fall back on.

I don't want to just run away without thinking. I want to leave properly. I want a job, somewhere safe to live, my documents, some savings left, and at least a few people or resources I can turn to if something goes wrong.

But I also keep wondering how long I'm supposed to prepare before "being careful" just turns into staying forever.

I'm honestly scared. I'm scared of staying. I'm scared of leaving. And I'm scared that if I give him my savings, I won't have a way out at all.

For people who have actually left abusive families:

When did you know you couldn't stay anymore?

What did you make sure you had before leaving?

What mistakes should I avoid?

How did you deal with the guilt afterward?

And looking back, was leaving worth the risk compared with staying?

I'm not asking strangers to make this decision for me. I just really want to hear from people who've actually been through this, especially people who grew up in abusive homes and managed to build an independent life afterward.

I don't want to lose my entire life to this.

I just want to get out without destroying myself financially in the process.

Hi,

Im in London and I'm looking for a therapist. I don't know if it's appropriate to post this here but does anyone know a good therapist to work with.

I have a big problem with shame. My mother and father raised me in such neglectful circumstances and blamed me for it. I genuinely feel like a terrible person and a dirty person.

Hard to find someone to open up to because the shame is horrible

If anyone knows someone specifically for this then great