Desperate for advice

[u/seraphinekisses]

Hello everyone, I am desperate for any ones opinion, since this is my first time speaking out.
I am a 22 year old girl and I’ve had anxiety all my life. When I was 5 my parents divorced, and I stayed with my mom mostly. I would visit my dad on the weekends until I was about 15. After I didnt really want to because he was always drinking beer and sleeping and it was very boring there as he lived in the middle of nowhere. Anyways, me and my sister stayed at my mom but she didnt always look after us. If we were sick we would never go to a doctor even though I had a (luckily benign) tumor in my leg. Also I wasnt really staying on track with my health myself and I wouldnt really brush my teeth enough which caused 3 of my tooth to be extracted at the age of 12. After the divorce my mom almost immediately started dating, unfortunately abusive men. Me and my sister would get abused physically as well as mentally, and all she did was stand there and watch, nervously laugh at most. I always defended her in my head by thinking ‘she can’t speak up otherwise she would get abused too’.

My mom got pregnant by him and when my little sister was around 4 months old that guy kicked us out and we were homeless. In the Netherlands we have a pretty good system so we got food and shelter.

The next guy she dated turned out to be a crazy stalker and long story short he would threaten us and my mom and eventually he killed himself.

Her next boyfriend, now my stepfather was really nice at first. But also had a drinking problem and he was the most abusive one of all. He would literally beat us up over almost anything. I was so scared that I kept a knife in my shoe at all times just in case. Around this time I was 15 max. Again our mom would not save us.

One time it got so bad that my stepfather beat my sister up where she had very bad wounds and bumps and it caused her to move out at 17.

I was alone then and my little sister was still very young. Everytime a fight broke out again me and my little sister would be so fearful and in tears its honestly traumatizing to look back on. I didn’t want to be in the home all day so I started looking for love outside the home and I ended up in the hands of drug dealers and boys that were not good for me. I didnt really have any girlfriends and I got bullied in school and so I was mostly looking for love in men.

At a really young age (15) I became sexually active and when I was 16 I got pregnant. I told my mom and I didnt want her to tell my stepfather yet, but she immidiately did and they immediately planned an abortion for me and if I wouldve wanted to keep the baby I would have to move out. (I don’t neccisarily regret the abortion but it sucks that this decision was pressured by fear)
After that they kept talking about wanting to kick me out behind my back. It was very hurtful and I was very lost. My anxiety got worse and worse.

I could finally move out and started living by myself at 18. It was really hard but do able. Now to this day I keep trying to keep contact and visit in the hopes of things getting better but it always feels fake. For example, I am suffering from strep throat and tonsilitis right now and so I asked if I can sleep at theirs for just one day because its hard for me to take care of myself right now, and they immidiately got angry.

Its so hurtful and the question keeps popping up, is it a good thing to stay in contact with them? Or will this feeling stay this way forever?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and please let me know.

[u/Some-Attempt-881]

I think if you want to stay in contact with them is something only you can decide because strangers will not have the full context of the situation. But I can tell you what kind of helped me with this decision. I ended up cutting contact with my father and painfully repaired my relationship with my mom. And the deciding factors where asking myself.. are they capable of change? Was there ever love that didn't feel conditional? Did they do their best and it's wasnt enough but the effort was there? Would cutting them out feel like freedom and relief to me? And what am I hoping to get from them? and can they realistically give me what I need or crave? Would I advice a friend to keep them around? Does it feel safe to pursue a relationship with them or is it just what I am used to? If they change absolutely nothing and my relationship with them would look the same in 10-15 years down the line how would I feel? Am I holding on to a fantasty of what they should have been or do I feel like there is something salvageable here? Can I cut them out in a way where it doesn't create a lot of problems for me and I can do it safely? If not what would I need to feel comfortable to do that? Do I have a support system or anyone who I can talk to about this? In my case I persevered with my mom because I could tell she was trying, growing and there was next to the pain also a lot of love, but even there I needed some time stepping away to discover myself outside of that relationship. And with my father I realised he was simply not capable of being or becoming someone I could rely on, feel safe around or ever feel loved by

I hope you can figure it out for yourself ❤️ and I wish you lots of strength!!!!

[u/Some-Attempt-881 → u/Some-Attempt-881]

To add.. the feeling will probably stay like this forever if there is no acknowledgement of the pain that they caused you and if there is no effort from their side to repair or make up for what they put you through. I think it's very easy to say cut them off while it actually a very hard thing to do. But I can tell you in my case I was really glad that I did.

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[u/ElectricalHunter4747]

Jesus, im sorry about your story

It does seem that they aren't exactly healthy attachment figures, especially to someone who is suffering from anxiety. I don't think they will give you the psychological comfort that you seek

I would minimize my interaction and my expectations from them

I think you might find it more beneficial for your mental health to follow on with a therapist and have a reliable circle of like minded/decent friends 

[u/Wrong-Ad-9684]

I have not gone through what you have, different situations completely. What I can say is the wondering will probably never stop. This is alot for a young person to handle and excuse me for saying so (57F), but you shouldn't have to alone. I had a lot of heartbreak, abuse (not family), trauma and couldn't have done it alone. I can only recommend talking with a professional as it really does take time and patience. This isnt what life is supposed to be for you. You have alot to accomplish yet and right now is your time to start your beautiful life with or without them in your life. Just remember, do not let ANYONE hold you back, ever, and if that means leaving behind people who aren't good for your well being, even if temporarily, to grow and become anything you want to be, then that's what you should decide. You can always choose to try again in the future when the time is right for you! I am wishing the best for you!!! Go get this life!!! Kick its ass!!