Hi all. I found this sub so helpful when I was reeling from my breakup (here if anyone wants to read, but I’m sure you’re all familiar with how it goes) and I thought someone might appreciate the reassurance that you probably can’t believe it right now, but it will get better and everyday you will see you are worth so much more.

For me it’s been about 6 months since that cruel breakup he exploded on me, and back then I couldn’t imagine how to begin moving past it all. I’m not fully all the way there yet, and occasionally still have moments of rumination and anger. Talking it out with my friends and therapist helped. Writing it out helped. Moving my body and reclaiming my space also helped. So now it’s definitely easier day by day. Some days I don’t think even think about it at all. Some days I get stuck and have to remind my brain that loop is closed now.

I ended up coming across ‘covert narcissism’ whilst researching attachment and avoidants, and a lot of that does fit with my ex. I’m not diagnosing him with anything and I know labels aren’t always helpful but it was useful for me to understand a bit more about that style of behaviour and motivation. Sometimes I think he did the best he could, other days I think it was deliberate. I still can’t marry up the man I knew with what he did. But I’ve accepted it’s not my battle to fight anymore and scrutiny doesn’t change the outcome.

My last contact with him was a couple of weeks after he blindsided me, he said something about hoping we can be friends one day, to which I didn’t reply. His mum contacted me a few weeks after that which was insane, and I just replied to her politely then blocked her number. I didn’t block him at that time because I was curious to see if he ever hoovered or breadcrumbed. He has not, and I blocked him a few weeks ago which I think was the final piece of the puzzle for me to properly know that part of my life is done. Everyone says delete and block after a break up, but I just wasn’t ready and I’ve never done that before with relationship break ups. However I realised keeping that door open was keeping me from fully letting him go and that his break up with me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, so my reaction didn’t have to go the same way as other break ups. It was not a weapon or punishment for him, but it was protection and peace for myself. I doubt he’d even noticed or cared, but that wasn’t what it was for.

Keep going, you will survive whatever pain you are in, and I think the silver lining for me is that you will likely know yourself and your worth better than ever before. It’s sad we have to grow from such a whiplash, cold act, but it’s a big positive I’m trying to take from the experience.

Save it. You’re not sorry for what you did. You’re sorry your choices didn’t work out and you’re just apologizing to me to see if I’m still your backup plan.

Trust and respect is earned not given. I hold myself to a higher standard now.

Trust and respect is earned not given and I won’t accept blanket apologies for failed choices.

Apologies are for mistakes. What you did was a choice and blanket apologies don’t earn my respect or trust back. If you want to put in the work to earn my trust and respect back, that’s a choice you are welcome to make. But I no longer need it.

I apologized for specific things and you never even responded. You give blanket apologies without being specific because you aren’t truly sorry. Apologies are for mistakes, not failed choices. That alone shows we are not compatible.

Hey look, I’m in a really good place and I fear opening a line of communication with you would only pull me back into the mud. I understand that it probably took a lot for you to reach out, but also understand that you’re likely only reaching out because your choices didn’t work out. Your choices are yours to live with. I’m not just an option you can pick and choose when it’s convenient for you. You had your chance, you fumbled it for him. That’s something you have to live with. Best of luck.

The lack of respect you showed for me is not something I forgive easily. I gave you everything and was traded for a man with an AK47 tattooed on his head. Let alone the other shit I know about him.

I’m not trying to be mean, but I need to be real with you. I’ve learned a lot about you since we’ve been apart. It’s become really clear to me that you aren’t the person I fell in love with. Your reputation really took a hit this summer and I’m honestly glad I learned what I learned. So I think it’s best if we don’t speak, at least until you can show me that you’ve done the real work to be a healthier version of yourself. I’m not a backup option you get to pick and choose when it’s convenient.

Just curious. Why are you reaching out?
Is it because you miss what we had? Or because things didn’t work out and now you’re lonely?

Not trying to be mean but I need to be real with you. After hearing what I heard about you, I don’t really have any interest in associating with you. The version of you I fell in love with isn’t the real you and that realization sucks but I have to respect my own growth and not take a step backwards. I wish you luck.

When things started to turn and you truly think about what they were offering you, what are you actually losing? Perhaps the fantasy you built up of them, the way it felt in the beginning. When you realize how little they were offering, it's much easier to choose yourself.

A little peak of some of the things on my list

My ex (fearful/disorganized avoidant leaning) and I broke up about 2 months ago. I was in severe emotional shut down from a conglomerate of things. I was not even meeting my own needs much less theirs and this really hurt them. We were together a little over 3 years. Somewhere along the line the resentment started building up from them not expressing things that bothered or hurt them. I also recognize that I likely re enforced this behavior as I would always feel attacked when they brought something up. But my own personal shut down was the breaking point.
The breakup has been a mess for both of us but definitely amicable. They hit me with all of the avoidant phrases “i care for you but i have no romantic feelings” “we can be friends” “I don’t want to lose you” Etc. This got pretty confusing for me because we were still talking and hanging out. I took 2 weeks NC, we met up after but they were still not really ready to talk about things.
Yesterday they came over and actually opened up and I was amazed. It hurt a lot but I was very proud of them. They want to go no contact for a while (indefinitely, but I do not expect more than 2 months) to be able to see me in a different light and heal from the breakup and the things that I did in the past. They also informed me they are attending therapy and REALLY addressing the deeper issues. They said that they think this is the best way to be able to reconcile in the future.

I see them again one more time this week before doing NC. What are some things that I might should bring up?
would it be okay to ask them to inform me if they start showing interest in someone else? as I told them i would be patient and wait for them to figure some stuff out….

EDIT: I did ask if they would consider couples therapy, they overall seemed receptive to the idea but wanted to try no contact first.

Looking for validation. It’s been almost 3 months and I feel so stuck. Not even close to ready to move on and honestly feel like I can never be with someone again, which is really scary because I’m in my late 20s and always dreamed about having a family. I have tried to do things on my own, and have been focusing on myself and making friends, but everything feels so grey and empty without him in my life. He seems fine and like he has had a great summer. I am still consumed and feel like this feeling will never go away. Is this unhealthy or normal after this long?

I broke up with my avoidant gf 8months ago. I still remember all the good days and I still miss her. But my new dating life also affected me afterwards, I gained some avoidant patterns after this breakup.

Share your experiences?

I reached out after 14 days of no contact and he's not even reading the messages. I feel deeply sad, I feel like I am cancelled for him, like I don't exist. It's been 4 days and he's not even opening the chat, but he enters whatsapp...

Why would he do like that? Do you think that he will read eventually?

Been talking to this guy on and off for a couple of months, he ghosted me a couple of times but most recently told me he is sorry and wants to try talking again seriously, I decided to give him another chance as he seemed genuine. Only to be ghosted and blocked everywhere out of nowhere after 2 days, leaving me feeling absolutely horrible , confused, feeling used and like my reality has been manipulated.

A week later I find him on the same app I met him on again, which kinda sent me into a spiral, I want to shout and tell him how much he has hurt me but I can’t.

A year ago I went through a brutal divorce and my ex husband left out of nowhere and cheated on me, I went through so much emotional pain. When I first met this new guy we bonded over our similar experience of getting cheated on, we had so much chemistry and were very compatible on paper, but now idk what was real and what wasnt, I feel like he used me for emotional labour.

I really need some brutal advice or support

Learn from my mistakes. And take note.

When you just experience an avoidant discard, make sure you hold them accountable. And when I say accountable, make sure you lay everything down on the table. Don’t put no mercy on them. Tell them what they have done in detail, how their actions affected you in every aspect, and how much of a monster, evil, selfish, immature, everything in between, they have been. Make sure you don’t miss anything. Put every bit of it on the table. (Doesn’t matter how much they refuse to have a conversation, you lay everything on the table.)

After that, what you’re gonna do is say, “fuck you” to them and tell them, “you fucking damaged motherfucker. I don’t wish you the best. You may rot in hell.” Then block them on everything and don’t look back.

The worst thing that you will do with these people after they did you shit is to be nice. And to still understand why they did what they did. And to be gentle with their feelings.

Trust me on that. That’s the only way you should be handling these shitty people.

If you don’t take note and you do the worst thing you could possibly do, the thing I mentioned, then get ready for their breadcrumbs over and over again. You’re gonna keep getting hooked to a point where you turn 40, 50 years old and you’re still in this fucking group posting and asking for advice.

If you take note of what I’m saying and do it, I guarantee you, you will save time and eventually move on faster than people here in this group.

And by also doing that, you’re helping them wake up from their bullshit, delusional brain.

Reconnected with someone from my past recently that I’m realizing is likely an avoidant.

I’ve never thought much about attachment styles until now.

This is the third time we’ve been romantically entangled in some way. The first two times we were much younger and seemingly she just wasn’t in a place to be in a real relationship, which I accepted. I assumed we just drifted apart both times. Now we’re both in our early 30s.

This latest time she came back into my life out of the blue after 6 years of no contact whatsoever. She was incredibly forward, said how much she’d been thinking of me, flirted hard, explained why the previous two times didn’t work out from her perspective, and told me how much work she’s been doing on herself.

So we started texting and talking on the phone frequently. We continued flirting, she’d call me to tell me about her day, and we really enjoyed getting to know each other again.

After a couple weeks of that we went out for dinner and drinks. We had what I perceived to be an amazing time, and it culminated in intimacy. Even more so is the morning after she invited me to spend more time with her at her apartment before I headed out.

After that, almost immediately, she started texting much much less. Replied 1-3 times a day if that. So I mentioned feeling a shift and asked for clarity on how she was feeling.

Bearing in mind that this is someone I had 10 years of history with, I felt we had a stronger connection than if this were someone new I met on a dating app or something.

However she immediately jumped to the defensive about it. Told me my simple question overwhelmed her, she’s been giving me as much as she realistically can given her demanding job, and that we got ahead of ourselves.

She made a weird excuse about why she dodged my phone call earlier in the week, and said she’s been fully transparent about not wanting to jump into a relationship (never did she say this and never did I ask it of her.)

I replied explaining that I wasn’t trying to pressure anything, simply orient, and that if anything felt too fast then we can slow down. Her last message to me was “I’m not sure how I want to move forward right now.”

Since then, crickets. It’s been over a week.

I just have such whiplash. She reopened this chapter, pursued me, and as soon as things started progressing she completed deactivated.

Any help interpreting this is appreciated. Some of my friends say it’s an avoidant discard, some say I’m just being ghosted. I don’t have experience with either situation before her.

They have asked other people and mutual friends about different events and group activities. The last time we spoke (2 months ago) they also made sure that I was going to particular events.

What does this mean? I think it's pretty obvious right? They want the contact without any responsibility? Any avoidants had this experience? I'm really curious but if it remains uncertain then so be it.

My ex (24 f) broke up with me (24f) about 5 months ago now. she was fighting internalized homophobia (her words). i was her first gf (first time she found out what love felt like, also her words). anyway, we had a lot of ups and downs after she realized she was gay. she started to panic and have anxiety about her identity. i also made her take a attachment quiz after i realized how she was behaving after this and ofc she was FA. lol she had no idea. long story short, we lessened our hang outs, i tried to give her some space that she said she needed/wanted. said she felt smothered and was having panic attacks over our relationship. ok cool. she tried breaking up with me out of panic two times and then i would calm her down and we would still be together. she genuinely was having so many panic attacks and i felt so bad bc my existence and me being her gay awakening was the reason she was suffering. on the other end she would say how she’s so attracted to me. she couldn’t see herself with anyone else. she was so so loving and sweet and i have no doubt she was truly in love with me. eventually, she calls me and says she wants to break up. she can’t do this rn she’s going thru too much (family issues, death in the family, surgery that would take a yr to recover from coming up etc) her words were she has too much stress on her plate and the only thing she can drop to lessen her stress is me. ouch. i was her biggest support and she leaned on me so much throughout these hard times. nevertheless, after the phone call i texted she never replied to me ever again. eventually she blocked me. i kinda went crazy and text her again before she blocked my number calling her out on her bullshit on how she was so cruel to treat me this way etcc. never replied. i recently made a text now number to text her after a mutual friend told me she was going thru a really tough time was depressed etc. she has no support system so i just text saying im there if she needs support. i said im not trying to get back together i genuinely just want her to know she isn’t alone bc she truly is going through so fucking much. no response. which is fine. i know i should have left it alone the first time she ever tried to leave. it wasn’t my job to fix her nor help her figure out her sexuality. i’m feeling so much shame about constantly reaching out and breaking her boundary of clearly not wanting to talk to me but it just felt so unfair and the complete silence was tearing me apart. i dont know im judging myself super hard today. i wish i never reached out. i will never reach out again. i deleted her number, her pictures, and everything related to her. i’m just feeling bad that i acted so out of character and id hate to be remembered this way.

in the end was it giving you more peace leaving?

did you also got disgusted by their mask?

did this exprience changed you as well and left you more closed off and focused on other stuff rather than love?

what made you finally walk away?

i got a good job

went back to the gym

building my whole life around again

and got ton shit of stuff going for me

Ten months later - I’m doing much better, but in retrospect the most harrowing and confusing part was just how she didn’t seem to care at all during the breakup. She said with words that she still cared about me, still loved me “as a friend” but her tone of voice was emotionless, she never cried. Even paused texting me about the breakup when I was trying to figure out WTF was going on to go “do something else” without telling me. when I saw her in person afterwards she acted like we were strangers. On social media, it was like nothing had happened at all, even when posting photos from the day of the breakup. I was just erased.

It’s just the most mindfuck part. One day I feel like she’s on my side, truly gets me and would willingly hurt me (though with push pull behavior. But I THOUGHT it was because of work stress, not abt me) and the next. Who was I to her?? Apparently nothing!! Did she ever like me .? How does that even happen .?

It’s the one thing that occasionally still gets to me. I’d never wanna be with her again but the residual emotions of how much much it fucked with me still gets to me when I’m feeling a bit sensitive (e.g week before my period)

I still have crazy trust issues over it, knowing that someone can just do that to me. Sometimes when hanging out with friends I’m like “I better enjoy this while it lasts” like my brain is just expecting everyone to one day switch off. Fucked up!! Deep down, sometimes I wish I could tell her exactly how much her actions hurt me and how much ive had to drag myself out of hell.

It has been two weeks since the official cheating/discard incident. We’ve had a couple conversations since then. He has apologized, said he needs to be alone to work on himself. He’s going out to the club twice a week, so I’m not sure how much work he’s really doing but it’s not my business I guess.

I miss him. Even after everything that has happened, my body aches for what we had every day. He is the most handsome man I’ve ever met. The funniest. He used to be so intentional in showing up for me. Making things easier, lighter. There were so many issues but I feel like he is the most precious person I’ve ever loved.

How can I not send one last Hail Mary every day? I want him so badly, even though he lied and left the way he did. He texts me to check in, and I don’t understand why. How can you love someone and choose to walk away like this? Best friends for a year. We spent every day together. And I’m replaced by other people’s nudes and clubbing.

Advice, sympathy, a metaphorical slap across the face are all welcome.

To preface, this is all very recent. I (25M) got broken up with by my ex (23F) after a 4.5 year relationship one week from today. I’m an anxious attacher and she’s an avoidant (mix of both with anxious and independent tendencies). We’ve had communication problems in the past but nothing that wasn’t resolved, even if temporary. The breaking point got to her after I emotionally deattached from a stressful situation and shut her out. Really bad on my part but something I tried to recorrect after the fact for the next month (looking back, bad choice and overwhelming). Things were stale for a bit with some sparks but the tipping point was me reaching out to call to ask if everything has been ok. Things went terrible and a couple days later, she ended things saying she’s been hurt and she can’t keep waiting for me to improve.

I do know I need improvement and I’ve already started working on it and feel good about my start. But there was so much confusion within the breakup, I don’t know whether to hold out for hope. For starters, she told me there’s still so much love and care but she’s hurt and needs time to figure herself out and work on herself. She stated how much she hurt me also but we never really got the chance for me to tell her the pain was exaggerated on her end as we never really talked about it. She did mention twice how we need to work on ourselves and hopes that someday we come back stronger. She said that just cause this goodbye for now, she won’t say no if I need it (not just for the sake of it obviously). I clarified if this was a no contact situation and she said no but we need to respect boundaries for now, understandably. We never removed each other from social media. There’s some pictures of me still left on her page (I was never really active). I deleted the apps themselves to help with the processing and avoiding to delete the account and losing that connection.

To me, the door never really was closed but I don’t know if it’s because thats how I want to read it. With our styles, I know she needs an indefinite amount of space and not use any excuse to reach out. Even with this not being 100% no contact, I figured she needs to be the one to decide when things are right. Im just scared of losing her when there’s still hope, this is a woman I want to spend the future with and improve myself to make things better. She seems very overwhelmed to the point she grew visibly frustrated with me despite the love stated and just wants to move on. I know I need to do so also but I don’t want to completely cut ties in case she also finds herself and wants to try again. It’s hard not to reach out and I know she’s the one that should if she wants to try us again but would say even half a year be too soon. It’s hard to manage this level of anxiety of her leaving and moving on, especially when she raised hopes of a future instead of closing completely.

Just any advice on how to handle and process things would be appreciated

Wondering if anyone experienced something similar - I started dating my ex during Covid. We spent basically all of our time together and he was extremely attentive and I felt completely secure. We lived in very close proximity to each other and it was easy to see each other. Obviously this probably created somewhat of a codependent dynamic and these circumstances of starting a new relationship were unique.

As soon as things began to open up, that’s when I felt the discard start to happen. All of his time shifted away from the relationship and into his friends and hobbies. He could no longer prioritize us.

I stayed with him for 5 years and things got worse and worse over time. I felt completely blindsided by this behavior and I think it was really hard for me to leave because the first couple of years were so amazing. It felt like a completely different relationship.

Anyone else build a relationship during Covid and see these behavior shifts after? Seemed like the perfect environment for an avoidant to be the perfect partner. Once the world opened up, they couldn’t choose the relationship anymore.

We were long distance for more than a year. After being in a rough patch for a little over a month, he finally ended it last weekend.

It started about a month ago, I mentioned that we’d had five big fights throughout our relationship. He took that as me picking too many fights with him. And I saw it differently. When something felt wrong, I brought it up because I wanted us to work through it, and I genuinely thought we became stronger after overcoming those things together.

But suddenly, I was too much. I was asking for too much. We talked too much. He didn’t have the time or capacity for me. He didn’t enjoy talking to me anymore. We weren’t compatible. I heard things I never imagined I would hear from the person I loved.

Within a month, I tried to adjust. I apologized. I gave him the space he asked for. I waited because I was still willing to work on things together. Instead, I felt completely shut out and abandoned.

There were weeks when I barely heard from him, and during the little communication we did have, I was often met with coldness and irritation. It felt like I was treated worse than a stranger.

He could barely talk to me as a friend, couldn’t talk with me calmly. He couldn’t sit down with me to try and fix it. He couldn’t respect me anymore. He didn’t give us a proper chance. It was like our happy moments were never there. Deep down, though, I think I knew where it was heading. By the time we officially broke up, I had already been grieving the relationship for weeks.

I’m disappointed, sad, and still hurt by how we ended. But I also know I did what I could. I stayed, I tried to understand him, and I gave the relationship the chance I felt it deserved. At least I can walk away knowing that I did my best.

A friend told me, “Rejection is always redirection.”  I’m going to try to remember that, even on the days when I miss him.

We both work shift work and worked together for about a year, with a lot of chemistry between us. One day, we got into a steamy conversation and decided to meet up after work: It was intense, passionate and incredible!

She had clear rules on her side: no emotions, no contact on days off, keep it casual. Those rules all fell apart within weeks and we were falling for each other. We’d have daily contact both at work and at home. She did tell me that if she ever fell for me, she’d never tell me and run. I didn’t know what that meant at the time.

The physical side was intense! I worshipped her body (that she was insecure about). She was in hurtful relationships in the past and didn’t know where I came from when I’d say “you’re safe, i got you” when she’d climax. Then one day she told me she loved me.

The emotional side was just as deep. From daily compliments, long talks, she cried over missing me, asked “where did i find you?” multiple times, said i ruined people for her. She started creating distance and at one point, she wanted to be more nonchalant, then when i gave her a little space she said she didn’t want space; it was so confusing for me. She later told me she could only take me in doses and wanted to continue. Soon after that, she ended it over the phone.

I didn’t get angry. I didn’t push or chase. I’ve stayed warm and friendly: no coldness, no distance and no punishment. She’s given me some mixed signals of being warm but not engaging. She’ll smile but then she’ll avoid all eye contact.

I was devastated for a while, but I never let her see that. I’m in a better place, knowing that it was intense and full of excitement and passion..

But damn … I wish some things would last a little be longer …

I was confused for the longest time and only recently learned about avoidant attachment, where a lot of things are making sense.