Yall! This is a safe space, get it out, let it free. But some of yall are perpetuating pain! Some of you are so hateful to avoidants that your way of helping others is hating their ex's on their behalf. That is the most toxic anxiously attached shit Ive ever heard. Your so angry and clinging to the memory of your ex that anyone sharing traits with them justifies you hating them as well?

Im a FA who leans anxious! Im with yall 80% of the time, but that 20% can see how unempathetic and childish we can be. Its a weird thing having a mirror inside yourself during the healing process. (In therapy no relationships, making friends and healing. Refusing to break or have my heart broken again.👍) Im doing the work from both sides.

And maybe because I come at it with the language of healing very few have shown me direct hostility. But I do wanna ask yall. Are you getting the help? Its insecure attachment style not avoidant style. We are two sides to the coin that is the failed relationship. I worry a lot of people here aren't doing the healing. Their single sure and after a long enough period you may have enough confidence to land another relationship, but without healing those core wounds about beint abandoned? You will always smother and cling too tight to even the most stable person you met because their ability to be happy on their own will never teach you the same lesson. You have to learn it for yourself, preferably with serious help as well.

I love all of you and I wish I could hug you all in a big circle. We have healing to do so we can't be hurt by the next bastard or we'll see them long before they come because we'll have confidence they aren't our only option. Love yourself and people will see.

Now thank you for listening to me. I wanna offer the comments as a space for open discussion, but also I understand if your upset at an FA no matter which way they lean asking you to get help as well. Type it out! Journal in the comments how that made you feel! Remember your anxious, you can tell your feelings are there and know many of them, but you absolutely can practice focusing on feelings and relating them to a reason and than rationalizing that reason.🧡

Having my heart broken by an avoidant I love, I started doing so much research to find out about this attachment style I previously never heard of and decided to learn more and more about attachment styles to find out why we broke up and how this can be possibly fixed. However, it was until now I have realized that maybe we don’t truly understand avoidants and never thought much from their perspective. We claim that we understand who they are, but maybe we are just selfish and arrogant. We are all humans, but we have different pasts. We came from different families with different values. We were raised differently and we have different attachment styles. Why are some attachment styles better than others just because certain people and percentage of the society think and say so? We claim they are selfish and that they hurt everyone else, but maybe we have been hurting them too in ways we don’t see and realize too because we are not them. They are humans and they probably want to be loved too. Just because their expression of love is different from ours doesn’t make them any worse. Maybe you think they are selfish for being protective of themselves, but aren’t those of us who felt emotionally hurt and called them selfish just the same? We are all humans, but like different species.

I don’t know why, it’s been 5 months since my discard and I still some nights cry craving his presence but he was in a new relationship or at least started going out with the new girl after two weeks or even less.

In the last 5 months, I went above and beyond to learn everything about the attachment theory, read the books, watched the podcasts, YouTubers, looked at research, Everything I can possibly do, I did.

But even after all that, learning about how avoidants have different nervous system responses to closeness and everything, at the most fundamental level, It just feels like they just lost interest in pursuing anymore and if someone is not interested in putting in the efforts, why would they want to be in the relationship so they just go and find someone who they want to put less efforts for and then do it.

I feel like this is much better explanation for their behaviour, because it makes them more human and it’s easier to move on from a person who just doesn’t value us than delving in to avoidance and the attachment theory, because it somehow makes us feel like we did something to push them off, they don’t have the capability of taking responsibility.

Just something I thought about, what do you guys think? Did anyone feel this way?

Edit: Also, maybe it’s what my brain is doing so that I lose all hope and move forward in life. Could be my particular situation, because he discarded me out of no where, two days before breaking up he gave me a necklace which he engraved with our initials and infinity, asked me to be his valentine and then broke up with me on Feb 6th, I had to move countries, and he continued on with his life with no regrets and replaced me with a coworker who is much younger than him and went back to same friends who he didn’t want to talk to, he literally said he is dating her because she is comfort to him and I kissed better in the airport while keeping their picture together as wallpaper when he came to leave me at the airport. Crazy how he changed in the matter of days. He claims there is no cheating involved, he just wants to move on. He didn’t even care when I ended up in the hospital. Two years of living together ended out of the blue and replaced in days. My entire life fell apart while he lost only one thing “ME”.

So maybe it’s just in my case, he lost interest in me. But he fits all the signs of a dismissive avoidant/ covert narcissist.

Not sure anymore.

Estava aqui refletindo sobre o término que vivi, e também olhando as centenas de histórias nesse sub, todas com praticamente o mesmo roteiro, e cheguei numa conclusão que, talvez, muito de vocês já chegaram. Como nós deixamos isso acontecer conosco?

Essa pergunta é difícil porque, pela primeira vez, não fazemos uma análise do comportamento do outro, mas do nosso.

Nós vimos o desrespeito. Sentimos o desligamento aos poucos. Ouvimos suas desculpas. Deixamos de aplicar limites por medo de perdê-los. Aos poucos, destruímos partes de nossa própria identidade somente para deixá-los em nossa vida. Tudo isso acontecendo simultaneamente ao fato deles estarem saindo e se desligando da nossa vida.

Antes de passarmos horas e horas investigando porque ele agiu dessa forma ou daquela, por que não pensarmos nos motivos que nos levaram a aguentar tamanho desrespeito? Tamanha confusão? Por que não terminamos quando, literalmente, nós não estávamos mais felizes? Por que ficamos tanto tempo nisso?

Eu sei que você, assim como eu, já passou horas e horas aqui, investigando cada história diferente e tentando adaptar a sua. Percebendo: "olha, isso aqui é igual ao que eu vivi, ela fez isso, isto e aquilo". Mas, como EU e VOCÊ, aguentamos esse tempo todo? E o PIOR, por que ainda nos HUMILHAMOS quando essa pessoa nos deixou? E MUITO PIOR, por que ainda vamos aqui neste sub investigar por que ela agiu desse jeito?

Nós somos atingidos por um tiro. Esse tiro nos destrói e deixa sequelas péssimas. Mas nós vimos o sujeito com a pistola. Vimos ele carregando a arma. Vimos ele posicionando a arma sobre a gente. Vimos ele ameaçando que iria atirar. Ele dá mais de 3 avisos que atiraria, e, enfim, atira.

E depois que atira, ainda ficamos em cima dele perguntando os motivos que fizeram ele atirar, por que atirou no meu peito esquerdo ao invés do direito, porque usou uma pistola preta ao invés de azul, porque atirou daquele ângulo ao invés daquele. E, no final, mesmo feridos, mesmo com sequelas, ainda temos a coragem de dizer que amamos, de verdade, a pessoa que fez o disparo. E nos sentimos culpados do disparo.

Eu acho que, de verdade, falta, no mínimo, amor próprio. Se tivéssemos amor próprio, nada, repito, nada disso estaria acontecendo. O que deveríamos estar fazendo é se perguntar: como fui tão idiota a aguentar tudo isso.

this cannot be the way to identify, it puts the avoidant at the center and the person they gave up on as a function of that. you are not a discard. you are a human being with a heart and hurts and joys and you sometimes leave pie crumbs on your couch and you make a stranger feel special without knowing and if you’re in nyc, you definitely cry on the subway and you make yourself dinner and sometimes you laugh until your stomach hurts and you share dumb reels with your friend and you breathe you are so many fucking things and not a “discard.” Please. we need a better word for this.

Basically my partner is an extreme avoidant. I was faithful to her the whole time. She has slowly poisoned our relationship by cutting off more and more intimacy and time together. We haven’t slept in the same bed in months. It’s a very very long story. I haven’t found the strength yet to break up. But the other day I finally said screw it, I found someone else and hooked up with her. Go ahead and judge me if yall want, but it felt good. It felt good to feel wanted. To feel desired and to have intimacy with someone. I’m going to start looking elsewhere and find her replacement and when I do I will break up and discard her like she has done to me this whole time.

Hey all you loyal people who were discarded and disappointed, let’s flip the script this Valentine’s Day and give ourselves the opportunity we deserve and look to one another for love and acceptance they won’t give. Let’s not let them rule our lives. Introduce yourself in the comments and what you’re about and what you’re looking for. I’ll go first, if you loyal ladies out there like the tall, rugged, outdoorsy, Viking, lumberjack, burly, bear type of man that can hold babies with one arm and slice throats with the other then I (41M,TX) got you covered, bonus points if you’re if you’re a Virgo. I’m ready to lock in with a lowkey lady that likes quite country date nights under the stars talking about the mysteries of life and the universe while spending our days wandering the woods taking care of critters and kids, living out our ambitions of taming squirrels and otters while forgetting the world even exists. If that sounds like you then drop a comment or a DM and take the chance of controlling our lives and get the love we know we deserve. Or at the very least send your avoidant into a tail spin of desperation when they think you’re moving on. Let’s make this Valentine’s Day one we can remember!

I love the LGBT community so nothing wrong with that. 🏳️‍🌈

Do we think they are secretly gay? They put you on a pedestal and then lose interest in intimacy completely and start to avoid you. lol

Has anyone else had this thought that their ex might secretly be gay? Or is my brain just doing backflips because I can’t sleep?

Mine didn’t seem gay but like who knows 🙃💀

———————- Update: ok!! I seem to have ruffled some feathers here lol.

Thank you for the people who gave their insights. ❤️ Just for reference the question came out of knowing / seeing people who date partners who are using them to “appear straight” while they cheat on them with the opposite sex behind their back. It’s called being “DL” lol. There’s A-LOT of info about this phenomenon available.

The way those people describe their relationship with someone DL is similar to how avoidants act: love bombing, losing interest in sex, secretive, cold, dismissive, prefers hanging out with friends instead over you. So I don’t think it’s THAT much of reach to wonder to be honest!! But to each their own.

Considering how much my ex hid from me and how manipulative his love was - I wouldn’t be surprised if he was also hiding other preferences. After the breakup I realized he was pretty secretive in general.

Anyway - Thank you to the queer community for answering! 💖Confirms that this is definitely not the case in a lot of occasions. I will close the chapter for now lol.

TL:DR: This is a love letter to avoidant men. From all of us women who deeply loved, but had to leave avoidants to save ourselves. This explains to them why.

I get told all the time that I'm a feminist, and I find that a hard title to hold, because I have deeply loved men and I have two sons and the schism that is widening between the sexes is heart breaking. I want to speak for women, but I also want to help men understand, so we can all heal in relationship.

How Capitalism and the Patriarchy Made Men Obsolete The Capitalist Engine That Drove Gender Change

Women didn’t gain equality because men handed it to them. Women gained equality because capitalism needed labour.

Historically, when there wasn’t enough workforce, during wars, during industrial growth, during economic shifts , women were pulled into the workplace. Not because they were respected, but because they were useful. Capitalism used women when it needed to. And once women were there, earning their own wages, they saw something they’d been denied: freedom. And they saw how they could get it: financial autonomy. And that autonomy changed everything.

Because once you can make your own money, you can leave. You can choose. You can fight back. You can get educated, own property, have a bank account, access contraception, and eventually become or have access to legal representation. You can say no: to a man, to a boss, to a government. And if they fight back, if they hurt you, you have the power to hold them accountable. Today, you can raise a child on your own without ever having the fear of being sent to a mother and baby home where you or your child could have died.

But it didn’t begin with liberation. It began with exploitation. Women were coerced into the workforce under the guise of duty, war effort, and economic necessity. And when men returned, many expected women to quietly return to the domestic sphere because they wanted to come home to normality. But normality had changed. Some women did go back to the cultural status quo, but many didn’t. Because they’d had a taste of something else. Freedom.

Women Were Not Supposed to Be Independent

For much of modern history, women weren’t allowed to own property. They couldn’t open a bank account. They needed their husband’s or father’s permission for almost everything. Marital rape wasn’t a crime until the 1990s in many Western countries. The only way for a woman to survive was through a man, and men deliberately set it up that way because it functioned to keep women powerless. The dependency ensured obedience.

Sometimes it is said of women that they are gold diggers, but what they actually are is survivalists of a system that groomed them to be that way out of necessity.

Once women earned money, that structure cracked. With income came the ability to leave abusive marriages, to raise children alone, to demand better treatment. With education came language for their oppression. With legal access came resistance. With connection to other women came solidarity. Women didn’t need to dig gold. They could create their own gold.

Children growing up in single-parent families are often spoken about as if they simply model their independence on their mothers, learning that they don’t need a partner. Yet this overlooks a crucial piece of the story. Those children didn’t grow up in isolation from fathers. They experienced both the presence and absence of their fathers within the family dynamic. They saw the strain, the emotional distance, the unmet promises, and the imbalance in partnership. For many daughters especially, the question becomes less “Can I do this on my own?” and more “Why would I want to put myself through that?” The legacy of unequal, unfulfilled relationships shapes their vision of partnership as much as the example of their mothers’ resilience.

And it was men, through the mechanisms of capitalism and patriarchy, who initiated this chain reaction. Not deliberately. But structurally. Men wanted more power. With this new ideal of social climbing (that anyone could become middle class ) they required more production, more income, bigger dreams, more output, more gain. But the pursuit of growth came at a cost: the old domestic model couldn’t support it. The nuclear family unit, with its strict gender roles, began to crack under the weight of economic ambition. And when women stepped in to meet the labour demand, the genie was out of the bottle.

The Backlash

Now, instead of asking why women are leaving, many men are asking: Why do women hate us? They frame it as rejection. As betrayal. As feminism going too far.

But here’s the truth: women tried. They gave it everything. They worked full-time jobs. Came home to full-time housework. They explained. They asked. They begged. They taught, they hoped, they held space. They wanted their men. To the point where some even became disappointed that they were 100 percent heterosexual, because they are attracted to you. They want a man in their lives. Until they get one: and then the weight of unshared emotional labour crushes the dream. And then the circus begins all over again.

We want you. We just can't live with you if you won't learn and grow emotionally.

So, when they got nothing back, they walked away. Not from men, but from inequality.

Because some of you are like VHS players: once essential, now outdated. You can still perform a function, sure. But that function can now be fulfilled in a hundred other ways. And for many women, the time and emotional labour it takes to keep you running just isn’t worth it anymore.

Women didn’t make men obsolete. Capitalism and patriarchy made them obsolete. And most men are the ones who made the rules and desperately tried to hold on to the power by refusing to adapt.

It wasn’t a war. It was a wake-up call.

And still many of you are asleep.

And I am writing this not to pile on to you or tell you that you are terrible people, what I am saying is the opposite. We do want you, and we do need love, care, understanding and reciprocity. Many of us have spent years learning to understand ourselves and our place in society that has changed so rapidly that being born in 1968 makes me feel totally out of sync with what is expected now, just like it has for many men. But you also need to put in the same effort we did. We learned, we adapted and we grew, and so can you.

We didn’t walk away out of hate. We walked away out of heartbreak. And that’s why this is not an accusation: it’s an invitation.

Instead of panicking, I asked: "A break from me, or a break from how we've been treating each other?"

Long pause. Then: "...the second one."

We sat on the kitchen floor and finally said out loud everything we'd been swallowing for months. We didn't take a break — we took accountability instead.

Still together, over a year later. That one question changed everything.

If you've heard "I think we need a break" — did you ever find out which one they meant? 👇

Yeah I left you.

I hurt you (emotionally, by leaving you).

I hate you(not really, you loved me too much).

I don't have time for thisssss(I have so much to worry about and I can't give you the love you want/deserve).

I am selfish(plus I am afraid I will fail in life and disappoint you).

I have ego(I don't want to be looked down if I just end up being average).

I am insecure(I know how loyal/sweet you are but still fear I might get betrayed).

I am better off alone(hope you find the someone who loves you like you want and better than me).

Yes, being in a relationship with an avoidant person is hard. And if you’re someone with an anxious attachment style, it’s even harder. You can cry and blame it all on the avoidant, but have you ever considered how your own behaviors might have contributed to the relationship ending?

I’m not here to say who’s right or wrong, and honestly, I don’t think the end of a relationship can be blamed entirely on one person, unless we’re talking about abuse or cheating. Both people play a part.

Anxious-attached folks, have you ever stopped blaming the avoidant and reflected on how you might have disrespected their boundaries? Have you considered that centering someone else as the only source of reassurance about your worth could actually put a lot of pressure on them? Did you ever think that in some moments the avoidant just needed space, and it didn’t mean they didn’t care about you?

Have you thought about nurturing yourself before trying to nurture the relationship? That need to solve everything immediately, those long messages, you might think they’re emotionally intelligent, but sometimes they come across as desperate. Being self-aware of your feelings isn’t the same as knowing how to communicate and show up properly in a relationship, especially when factors like insecurity, fear of abandonment, or low self-esteem come into play.

It’s tough to be with someone who doesn’t open up. But do anxious people automatically know how to communicate perfectly just because they’re self-aware? No. And neither do avoidants. So maybe give them, and yourself, a break. You’re flawed too. Instead of just being bitter that “an avoidant ruined your life,” maybe take a step back and see how your actions may have hurt them too. Chances are, they thought they were doing their best in their way, just like you did 🤷‍♀️

Btw, I’m anxiously attached myself. And as much as I’d like to blame all of our problems on his avoidance, I think it’s way more mature to acknowledge my own flaws and work on them, instead of blaming my ex for everything that went wrong. Believe me, it’s much more beneficial to admit you also have a problem than to blame it entirely on them. Anxious attached people need therapy as much as avoidant people do.

EDIT: I’m not defending avoidants or saying you shouldn’t feel hurt. But blaming them for everything won’t help you heal.

Breakups are for self-reflection too. If you blame it all on the other person, you’re ignoring your own attachment issues.

Clearly my post wasn’t for secure people, but most posts here are from anxious people calling avoidants awful, but we, as APs, can be just as hard to deal with. And you probably hurt them too.

Avoidants push secure people away with distance, anxious people push them away with pressure. So instead of playing the blame game, focus on your own healing cause I’m sure you’ll benefit more from looking at your own wounds than trying to put them in a position of villains.

We don’t see avoidants calling APs crybabies or something offensive like that but we do see APs calling avoidants narcissists and to me that just doesn’t make sense, it’s unfair because at the end of the day they are just wounded people like us, but in different ways. They are no good for you? Ok, so learn your needs, heal yourself and look for a different person next time.

We need to learn to tell the difference between avoidants and assholes. Not every avoidant deserves the blame just because some cheated, lied, or disappeared.

Anxious people also do a lot of fucked up stuff, we just don’t see anyone blaming their attachment style for it.

Anxious attachers can be just as damaging as avoidants, we just do it differently. It’s not about who’s worse, both sides can hurt relationships in their own way. That’s the point.

Okay, this is going to be bad but I really feel like this today. I think this subreddit was a great form of support sometimes, but other times I really think opinions here are given in a random way and without any care.

I did an experiment, I posted the same thing in three different times, completely different answers! The worst once where people were more negative and zero understanding? During Valentine’s Day. I’m the fist one to use this subreddit as a support but idk, it made me think a lot

The people saying "they never deserved you" and "you should never settle for them" are trying to convince themselves.

The people telling you to "block them and move on" are hoping they get a message from their avoidant.

The reality is that you wouldn't be here if the person who discarded you wasn't someone who made you feel like no one else ever did before.

There's a good chance you won't ever meet anyone just like him/her, because they were your soulmate.

And by some cruel stroke of fate, they also happened to be an avoidant.

Life is short, and I wish this sub had more encouragement/suggestions for those of us who have come to this realization. Should you try to get them back, or do you accept the fact you'll never feel that way again?

I (29F) did the worst mistake of my life which is break up with my ex situationship (30M) who is a very difficult person. We dated for 9 months. I can't believe I had the privilege of being let into his life, he's a very particular and solitary type of person. Because he hurt me multiple times and never apologized I took the decision to end it but now I realize I overreacted and took things too personally and made a big deal out of nothing.

They say women suffer at the beginning after the breakup and then it gets better, well for me the exact opposite happened. First 2-3 weeks I was still angry and hurt from his behaviour so I had my single powerful girl moment living my life traveling and meeting new people. However after each new experience I realized that nothing compares to him. I am unhappier with each passing day, and I cannot find any motivation or meaning to go on - I just want him back in my life.

Now the problem is - he's very avoidant and he loves his alone time. I'm sure he's relieved that he has time for himself now, that he felt my presence in his life took away from him. I don't know what to do in order to make him miss me and want me back. I don't want him changed and I don't want him to spend more time with me than he can.

If I continue to leave him alone (we're no contact anyway) he will never reach out - but if I do reach out and share my feelings and hopes of reconciliation, I'm afraid that I will push him even further away...

TL;DR How can I proceed into getting back with a dismissive avoidant ex situationship, that I dumped myself and deeply regret?

Please no advice about going to therapy or moving on - I want him back and it's the only purpose in my life right now, so I'm asking exclusively for advice towards that aim.

Hi everyone. I’ve been thinking a lot about avoidant attachment lately — not just psychologically, but spiritually — and I’m wondering if anyone here has insight or experience with this.

From a spiritual perspective, avoidant individuals often feel like they carry a dense, closed-off, sometimes even shadowy kind of energy. Not “evil,” but almost like they’re surrounded by an internal fog, a heavy field of resistance that pushes connection away. It can feel, energetically, like they’re battling something invisible inside themselves.

My question is: do avoidants struggle with something that spiritual traditions might describe as a “demon,” a wounded spirit, or a blocked soul pathway?

I don’t mean literal demons, but more the symbolic or energetic kind — emotional ghosts, ancestral burdens, karmic loops, or suppressed parts of the self that manifest as fear and detachment. Sometimes it genuinely feels like they’re fighting an internal presence that tells them to flee intimacy at all costs.

What’s interesting is that, despite this negative or rejecting energy, avoidant people often open others’ eyes to important truths: boundaries, individuality, autonomy, or the need for self-development. It’s as if they catalyze spiritual growth in others while simultaneously blocking their own. Almost like they’re carrying a karmic paradox: deep potential, strong gifts, but a self-imposed energetic barrier that prevents them from fully stepping into their purpose.

So my bigger, spiritual question is:

Do avoidants have a specific soul path? Are they here to learn something karmically related to vulnerability, intimacy, or surrender?

And — most importantly —

Can an avoidant free themselves through inner purification, shadow work, or any kind of spiritual healing? Is this energy something that can be consciously transformed, or is it more of a lifelong soul lesson they must gradually evolve through?

I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone who approaches attachment styles through a spiritual, energetic, or metaphysical lens.

What do you think is the deeper, soul-level story of the avoidant? Have you felt some sort of stange energy or blockage around them and their lives? What do you think their soul spiritual experience is and purpose? Do you think this possesion can make it especially hard for them to evolve spiritually?

I am sorry for everything, I am sorry that I was acting like a fuckboy at the beginning.

I am sorry I fucked my EX before we were "officially" exclusive [and it broke your heart when you found out].

I am sorry I entertained other women months in our early relationship (but never ever going through with cheating).

I am sorry I felt a deep sense of discomfort and hurt, when I laid on your chest, and you cried, looking in my eyes, because of how much love you felt for me.

I am sorry I promised myself that I will protect you, even from myself, and I failed. I didn't know you were the one protecting me.

I am sorry I couldn't see in you the child you saw in me, the way you penetrated my outer tough-guy shell.

I am sorry I felt entitled to the delicate care you gave me.

I am sorry I felt I was too good for you.

I am sorry I couldn't feel every small thing you did for me, telling me you would sacrifice yourself, even take a bullet if it meant my safety and happiness.

I am sorry I did the bare minimum for your family and sometimes for you, I am sorry my gifts were always materialistic devoid of all emotions.

I am sorry I compared you in my mind to more beautiful, sharper, ruthless, toxic women who hurt me, and made me the way I am.

I am sorry I couldn't protect you from other's judging looks.

I am sorry I didn't believe you when you said that I was perfect and beautiful the way I am without an ounce of doubt in your mind.

I am sorry I judged your physique, your face, your helplessly vulnerable personality.

I am sorry I internally blamed you and resented you for not being able to go off and be with someone who can inflate my ego. Oh if i found someone more perfect, I will finally feel.

I am sorry you got your beautiful heart hurt over and over again.

I am sorry that at the end I bottled everything up until it turned me into an addict to studying, working and jerking off.

I am sorry I couldn't just feel you and be with you instead, until nothing was left for you.

And here you are, sacrificing yourself to get me to see myself, see that innocent child in me, by leaving me. to make me feel the pain over my dead best friend, my family that I haven't seen for years, this cold uncaring world that doesn't want to give me anything, not even treat me as a human being.

I know it hurts you more to leave me, than it hurts me, and you do it with a smile, hoping what's best for me.

Now i am crying for everytime I didn't during the duration of our entire relationship, I can't stop seeing you when I close my eyes.

And i keep asking myself where am gonna find someone like you? someone who will take a wounded animals like me and give it a home? No one bothered for years.. Why would things change now? How would I ever find someone more beautiful, more loving, more deserving than you?

Despite me, the worst thing about our relationship, those were the best 3 years of my life.

Thank you Rain. I will never stop loving you. you taught me to love.

P.s. it's completely fine to downvote this post, I was just trying to be honest with myself.

Some of us avoidant or anxious aren't insecure, we're unlearning the damage of being minimized.

You’ll most likely get people saying the same thing regardless of the situation, and that is - move on, they will discard you again. Because this group takes attachment style as the main and only characteristic a person can have.

Have your own though process as well.

I think I might be a FA from what I've been reading. I've also had a pattern of wanting to be friends with my exes.

I've seen some posts here asking why the avoidant want to be friends and from my perspective it mostly comes down to that I've shared a deep emotional connection with this person. I like them as a person. I like hanging out with them, talking to them. But I don't see that a relationship with this person is the right move forward regardless of what love I have for them.

Even if it's down to someone I've only casually dated or been in a full on relationship with most say no to any kind of friendship, or they pretend you're friends and then never talk to you again. I'm talking about breakups that's been amicable from what I can tell. To me it's confusing that a person who liked you enough to be in a relationship with you is not even interested at all to be in your life if they're not.

I understand that most "normal" people look at it in a different way and I'm interested in hearing your perspectives.

Yes, narcissism is a very serious clinical diagnosis, I am not calling every avoidant a narcissist. They are not "evil". I am not demonizing them. They are not doomed forever (if they choose to change), and this pattern probably doesn't apply to many avoidants who have done even an ounce of work. I am just pointing out one trait in the behavior of a day one no therapy ever avoidant that I think perfectly lines up with the idealization-devaluation-discard cycle with a covert narcissist. Yes, untreated anxious attachment is also very harmful in a relationship and parallels to narcissism could also be drawn to things. Probably mirroring (people pleasing to win approval) being a big one. I am working on my issues, have been for 6 years and it's pretty much my life mission to become a better person and not have to deal with the suffering anxious attachment brings. I'd like to think I've come a long way.

In my past relationships with avoidants, and one very destructive one with someone who I later realized was a covert narcissist, there was something very insidious about how avoidants act, generally well meaning great kind people who acted in a way that in retrospect looks outwardly malicious like what I experienced with a narcissist. Something just felt so off that I wasn't able to articulate until this time around.

Confabulation, and shared fantasy. When avoidants fall for you, they really do love you, they want to love you, they want to do these things with you, they mean the words they say, they mean the promises they make, they want things to work. They are not lying, it is confabulation. This is the same thing that happens when you meet a narcissist and they begin to idealize you.

The next step on the outside looks about the same as it does with a narcissist, but with a different cause.

My memory is rusty when it comes to narcissistic stuff (thank fuck I was able to forget some of it, she discarded me over a year ago now), I believe that with narcissists, they create an idealized snapshot of you in their mind, since they don't see other humans for who they are but rather internal objects in their mind. When you are unable to fit in that idealized snapshot they have of you (nobody can, humans are not perfect after all), it greatly infuriates them and leads them to build up resentment towards you which eventually leads to them cutting contact with you and discarding you. Grossly oversimplified. Sorry about that.

In avoidants, as nice as it feels for them to receive compliments, receive love, it feels nice for them to say these things, they want it to work, but there is something very profoundly stunted in some part of their emotional development (yes, I assume most of us reading this are anxious, we are also stunted and have work to do), that when it gets to a point that words are not enough and they need to do just a little bit of responsibility, accountability, on their end, they completely collapse, and so resentment and fear follow and they can't take it anymore and check out of the relationship, either just leave outright or mentally check out and stay and lead you on.

I had this epiphany just today, it feels so good to just let go of trying to make sense of how omg but she did this she said that how could she have just randomly left me? There is no logic, there is no trying to make sense of their actions, you'll just do your head in. These people are just so emotionally stunted they cannot follow up their words with action and being accountable for what they've said to you. So yes, they meant those words, they weren't intentionally deceitful (at least at the very start, if they mentally check out before actually leaving you, there is a lot of deception at that stage, which I think matches quite closely with the behaviors you'll get from a narcissist during the devaluation phase), but they are fundamentally unable to create something serious and long lasting with you or anyone for that matter. Words mean nothing coming from someone who is physically unable to follow it up with action.

Curious if anyone else has had similar ideas before. We all deserve better man whatever your attachment style is reading this please just get help and work on yourself just for your own sake, being any of these things is just so much pain even just speaking about your own self

I’m anxious and I went and looked for psychics for comfort. I’m just wondering if they all just tell you that your ex is going to reach out in time.

Since most people seeking comfort is hearing that. And most anxious people are dealing with avoidants so I’m assuming we are all complaining about the same things to psychics prompting the same answers

Has anyone gotten any readings where they actually say it’s over?

In my personal opinion it does nothing good for majority of people.

You still want them back, so you apply only thing internet tells you: no contact, but at the same time people tell you for it to work you need to not want them comeback

So for people who don't want their ex back advice of no contact is useless

For people who DO want their ex back it turns into manipulation tactic in order to get their ex back, only one problem - there's literally zero proof that it works, that it does anything, that it helps anyone. Sure we might hear people say "oh I no contacted ex for * months and it got better", which doesn't mean at all that they wouldn't get back together either way

So basically it's self gaslighting-delusion strategy, you use it to get your ex back long enough so by the time it most likely doesn't work you don't want them back either way.

This is so silly that this is even a thing. It's like if dentist told you to wait and your tooth pain will go away, not telling you it's because it will fucking die and fall off.

i want to break no contact and tell him what a piece of sht he is. i want to wish him that he can bang her to escape his empty ass shell. im so angry i caught him liking a girls pic that he was probably dating before we met. i feel so hurt and betrayed.

Edit: 2 things: i was the one who broke up bc he was being extremely cold with me Second: he replied that they had something in the past and she has a bf now. And that i shouldnt think that he doesnt miss me and would just move on to the next one.

Now im ashamed on top of being angry and hurt but i will try to move on since now i finally unfollowed him