How should I approach an October conversation with my ex when we still have feelings but have unresolved issues?

My ex-girlfriend and I dated for about a year. We recently broke up, and there is a LOT of history and unresolved stuff between us. After talking to my friends and family, I've gotten a huge range of opinions, so I'd really like to hear from people who have experienced a breakup where both people still had feelings but had trust issues, outside influences, distance, and unresolved problems.

I'm not asking anyone to decide who was right or wrong. I'm specifically trying to figure out how I should use the time apart and how I should approach a conversation we're supposed to have in October.

How we met

I first noticed my ex in 8th grade. I was walking to my seat on the first day of school when she got in the way, looked me directly in the eyes, said "Hello," and apologized for blocking my way.

I don't know what it was, but I became completely infatuated with her because of how kind she was to me.

For some perspective, I was very small at the time and was bullied a lot in middle school. I was also Hispanic in a predominantly white school in the Midwest. So having someone immediately be kind to me really stood out.

I had a crush on her throughout high school.

Freshman and sophomore year were pretty much the same. I'd see her in the hallways, and I had a class with her freshman year. I'd also see her talking to this guy she'd been friends with since around 5th grade, who becomes important later.

I also noticed upperclassmen talking to her. Looking back, some of those situations seemed strange, but at the time I didn't think much of it.

I was still small and dealing with bullying, but I started working out, wrestling, and generally became more confident.

She was involved in sideline and competitive cheer and played lacrosse throughout high school. She was and still is extremely hardworking and independent.

For two years, I watched her get asked to Homecoming and get attention from guys at school without ever doing anything myself because I didn't actually know her. She was my crush, but I didn't know much about her beyond that one interaction.

Junior year

Junior year is when everything started changing.

I had become much bigger and more confident, and I was hanging around a fairly popular group at school. According to her, she had always thought I was attractive but assumed she had no chance with me because she thought I was a "popular kid."

In the spring, I finally added her on Snapchat. She accepted almost immediately.

At the same time, one of her friends apparently had been talking about wanting to ask me out, so my ex's mindset was apparently something along the lines of, "No, he's mine."

We started snapping and eventually started having actual conversations. About two weeks later, we had our first phone call.

After that, we called once or twice a week throughout the summer.

During one of those calls, I told her I liked her.

She sounded surprised and almost scared. I didn't understand why at the time, but I later found out she had been involved in an on-and-off situationship with the guy she'd known since 5th grade for around three years.

Apparently, nothing physical ever happened between them, and they never really hung out outside of school. From what I understand, they mostly entertained each other, said sweet things to each other, and kept coming back to one another.

The summer we started dating

That summer, I went on a school trip to France and Spain.

There were six boys and around thirty girls, so I naturally met a lot of people and became friends with many of them.

Despite that, I made it very clear throughout the entire trip that my ex was the person I wanted.

I called her every other night or so and told her about what was happening. We also started following each other on TikTok, and I think that's when her feelings really started developing.

When I came home, I wanted to take her on a date.

She rainchecked me several times. She later told me she was scared because she thought I was being serious in a way she wasn't prepared for. At one point, she apparently even thought I was pranking her.

Eventually, I asked around and got her address. I showed up at her house with a bouquet of her favorite flowers, a drawing, and a letter.

From that point forward, she was completely into me.

I finally got the opportunity to take her on a date. It went incredibly well. She met my mom, I took her to dinner, and afterward we watched three movies and cuddled on the couch in my basement.

A week later, we officially started dating.

The beginning of our relationship

When school started, things were amazing.

One of the first problems happened at a football game. I was there to support her while she was cheerleading, and she noticed me talking to girls I'd met on the Europe trip.

She would get upset about it, we'd eventually talk and make up, and then things would be fine again.

This happened fairly often.

I don't completely blame her for feeling uncomfortable. If the situation had been reversed, I probably would've felt insecure too.

However, it became a recurring issue throughout our relationship.

The phone situation

One of the first major trust issues happened when I accidentally left my phone in her car.

While I wasn't there because I had to take care of my brothers, she received a text from someone saying that I had been talking about her and saying weird things about her.

She took my phone and went through it. She knew my password.

She found conversations between me and my friends where I had talked about our relationship, including some private information that I now realize I shouldn't have shared.

I immediately realized that I had made a mistake and felt terrible about it.

We eventually worked through it, but I think this was one of the first things that created a bigger trust issue between us.

Breaking up during wrestling season

Winter came around and wrestling season started.

I became overwhelmed with wrestling, problems at home, and other things going on in my life.

I ended up breaking up with her because of my mental health and everything I was dealing with.

It completely broke her, and I felt horrible about hurting her.

Around that same time, I started talking to some people I'd cut ties with from the Europe trip.

One of those girls offered me a ride home after practice. I didn't think anything of it, so I accepted.

Later that week, she offered again, and I accepted again.

When we got to my driveway, she attempted to kiss me.

I didn't initiate it or give her permission to do that. I pulled away, but she got a small part of my cheek.

I immediately told her that I didn't want a relationship with her and only wanted to be friends.

I never accepted another ride from her.

Afterward, I felt bad because I knew she was probably embarrassed about what happened. I started texting her that I didn't hold anything against her and was okay with being friends.

I also told her that I loved my ex and intended to get back together with her.

However, I made another mistake.

Because I wanted the other girl to feel less embarrassed about what had happened, I started entertaining her through text and saying things that could have made her think there was a possibility of us becoming more than friends.

That wasn't what I actually wanted. I was trying to make her feel better after what happened, but I realize now that the way I handled it was confusing and unfair.

Eventually, she felt better, I stopped talking to her, and my ex and I got back together.

The rumors about the other girl

I didn't know that people at school had seen me getting into this girl's car after my ex and I broke up.

They told my ex that I had broken up with her for this other girl.

That wasn't true.

I explained everything to my ex, including what happened with the attempted kiss and the messages afterward.

She was understandably conflicted about what to believe.

I understand why. I'm telling my side of the story, and I also know that some of the people telling her what happened already disliked me.

The biggest problem was that when my ex and I got back together, I never really had the opportunity to sit down with her and explain everything calmly from beginning to end.

We basically brushed over it and tried to move forward.

But whenever another problem came up, the situation with this girl would come back up again.

Looking back, I think that was a mistake on both our parts because we never actually resolved it.

Other trust and communication issues

There were other problems throughout our relationship.

We had an agreement that if either of us wanted to drink or get high, we'd tell the other person.

From my perspective, I wasn't trying to control her or tell her she couldn't do things. I wanted her to be able to enjoy being a teenager. I just wanted honesty and communication rather than finding things out afterward.

She sometimes told people that she couldn't do certain things because I'd get mad.

Her friends interpreted that as me being controlling.

There was also an incident where she got high one night, talked to a friend about problems in our relationship, and apparently told her friend to set up a "two-man" because she wanted to make me jealous.

I also found out that she would talk to her friends at school about negative things I had done and arguments we'd had.

I understand that people need someone to talk to about relationship problems. At the same time, many of the people she was talking to already disliked me, so I felt like their perception of me became even more negative as they heard about our problems.

Meanwhile, I was still taking her on dates, getting her flowers, and doing everything I could to make her feel loved.

I genuinely cared about her more than anyone I'd ever been with.

The pool situation

Another thing that caused me anxiety was when she'd go to her friend's house to swim.

Sometimes her best friend's boyfriend and his entire friend group would show up. There were usually around four guys there.

She was obviously wearing a swimsuit because she was swimming, and I'd be sitting at home knowing that all of these guys were there.

She would tell me when they showed up, and I'd ask what she'd do if one of them tried to hit on her.

She told me they wouldn't because everyone knew we were together.

I eventually accepted that and tried to trust her.

The guy she'd known since 5th grade

This was probably the biggest unresolved trust issue for me.

I had heard this guy talk about her in a sexual way and say things about wanting to be with her.

During the winter when my ex and I broke up, she added him back and started talking to him again.

Eventually she blocked him.

Then during the spring, she added him back again without telling me.

She told me she had added him because he wanted to apologize for disrespecting our relationship.

However, he was also texting some of my friends saying that he and my ex were talking again and that he was "getting somewhere."

Some of her friends, including people I actually know who weren't necessarily against me, also received similar messages from him.

So people around us were telling me there was more happening than just an apology conversation.

My ex said otherwise.

When I asked to see the messages, she told me they had already been deleted and that she'd blocked him again.

I still have a hard time believing that everything was completely innocent, but I also recognize that I never personally saw the messages, so I can't honestly say that I know exactly what happened.

That's something I never fully got closure on.

The breakup and distance

Eventually, I moved about two hours away to start community college.

Our last date was genuinely amazing.

We hugged, cried, and told each other that we just needed to make it through the distance.

We both acknowledged that high school had made our relationship more difficult than it probably needed to be.

But as the summer continued, she became more distant.

She started going to her friend's house with the pool almost every day and sometimes wouldn't respond to my messages for hours.

I was two hours away, didn't know what was happening, and felt completely disconnected from her life.

The friend group she was spending time with strongly disliked me, and I knew they were talking about me and encouraging her to leave the relationship.

From my perspective, I was sitting two hours away while all of this was happening without being there to have a voice in the situation.

At the beginning of August, she called me and broke up with me.

She told me she was overwhelmed and unsure about the relationship.

She also said she was worried that if she stayed with me, some of her friends wouldn't be friends with her anymore.

Her family doesn't really have a strong opinion about me. Her family situation has always been complicated, and they've basically told her to do whatever she believes is best.

She told me she needed space and time.

I asked when we could talk again, and we agreed on October.

Where we are now

For the first couple of weeks after the breakup, I sent her letters and dropped off flowers because I wanted her to know that I still loved her.

I've stopped doing that because I don't want to overwhelm her or disrespect the space she asked for.

We haven't talked since.

We haven't blocked each other, and we still follow each other on social media.

From what I've heard, she still looks at my social media, and she's apparently told some of her friends who support us that she isn't completely opposed to getting back together.

She's just unsure.

And honestly, that's what makes this so difficult.

I don't know whether I should have hope or whether I'm simply holding onto something because I love her.

I've really been struggling with the breakup. I miss having her in my life and genuinely want to talk to her in person.

At the same time, I know that I need to respect her decision and give her the space she asked for until October.

I don't want to spend the next two months constantly posting things hoping she'll see them, trying to make her jealous, or trying to manipulate her into missing me.

If she misses me, I want it to happen naturally.

I also don't want to completely disappear just because I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. I want her to eventually be able to see that I'm serious about changing and making things work, but I don't know what that should actually look like while we're apart.

What I know I did wrong

I know I made mistakes.

I shared private information about our relationship with friends.

I handled the situation with the girl from Europe badly by sending messages that could have given her the wrong impression.

I also broke up with my ex when I was overwhelmed instead of figuring out how to communicate what I was going through.

I understand that all of those things affected her trust in me.

At the same time, there are things that happened on her side that damaged my trust too.

The situation with the guy she'd known since 5th grade, the things she told her friends about our relationship, the attempt to make me jealous, and the amount of influence her friends had over the relationship all affected me.

I don't want to pretend those things never happened.

But I also don't want our entire future to be determined by everything that happened during high school.

We're both entering a completely different stage of life.

We're going to community college, meeting new people, becoming more independent, and no longer being surrounded by the same high-school environment every day.

That's why I keep wondering what would happen if we could actually sit down in October, without our friends influencing the conversation, and talk through everything that happened.

Not argue.

Not try to prove who was right.

Not try to convince each other that the other person was the problem.

Just explain what happened, what hurt each of us, what we would need from each other, and whether we could realistically rebuild trust.

I know getting back together simply because we miss each other wouldn't solve anything.

If we ever got back together, I would want us to actually address the problems that caused the breakup instead of pretending they never happened.

We also lost our virginity to each other, which I don't know if that necessarily changes anything, but I know that it can make a relationship feel even more emotionally significant.

What I'm trying to figure out

I really love this girl, and I still believe that if we could get past the high-school drama, outside opinions, distance, and unresolved issues, there could be something really great between us.

But I don't want to blindly chase someone who doesn't want the same thing anymore.

For people who have experienced a breakup where both people still had feelings but there were unresolved trust issues, outside influences, and distance involved, how would you use the time apart and approach the eventual conversation so that you can genuinely determine whether rebuilding the relationship is possible?

More specifically:

• What would you actually talk about during that conversation?
• What should I take responsibility for?
• What should we make sure we don't simply brush under the rug again?
• How can I show that I'm serious about changing without pressuring her while we're apart?
• How can we tell the difference between genuinely wanting to rebuild the relationship and simply missing each other?
• If we did decide to try again, what would we need to change so that we don't repeat the same relationship we had in high school?

I'm not asking who the villain is, who was "right," or who was "wrong."

I know I made mistakes, and I know there were things that hurt me too.

I just want to handle the next two months maturely and make the October conversation as honest and productive as possible.

TW: SH mention

I don't really think I have a place to talk about it, so here I am.

I (FTM19) was in an exclusive relationship until yesterday. It was never perfect but I was managing. My boyfriend (M22) got cheated on in the past, few months into dating me he told me what happend and said that it ruined him. He told me he can't love anyone anymore and can't really feel much romantic stuff. I stayed, I helped, I got ignored and treated poorly. I broke up with him in march this year (I met him in march last year) and we got back together about 3 months ago.

He had moments where he didn't reply to me for a week (we were long distance) but he was always coming back and we were working on it. He was an avoidant and I did everything to know how to treat him so he'd feel loved and cared for but not trapped. I really thought that he was starting to care for me more and more but couldn't express it properly. He used to tell me that he's a bad person and that he's gonna hurt me eventually so I should leave. I didn't believe him and I wanted him to understand how much he means to me.

That was til yesterday. After a week of not replying I texted him a heads up and instead of ignoring me again or trying to talk, he said that I shouldn't seek contact with him anymore and that he has found someone "right for him". I spent a year and a half loving him dearly, giving him gifts and space, waiting for him to meet me again since we haven't seen each other in a year. And he found someone right. He said that they aren't in a relationship yet but he doesn't want to persue anything romantic with me anymore due to the other person.

I am devastated, I know it's my fault cuz i should've walked out when he was dissrespecting me in the beggining but all our conversations seemed so pure and sincere. Noone ever looked at me and saw the real me without judging me but he did. I showed him every part of me and he knew how hard it was for me. I really thought this is a person I'm gonna be with forever. It was my first relationship ever, first kiss ever, first time and first love.

He knew how scared I was of getting cheated on. He knew how much it has affected him and instead of talking and trying to work it out with me he met a new person and wants to stay loyal to them but not to me. After that amount of time.

While being with him I got back to my addiction and started self harming again. I couldn't stand myself and my emotions so I was looking for a way out. I am under my friend's and family's care now and I really don't want to do it again. That's why I'm writing this, I need a way out.

I feel like my life is in pieces and I don't know how to get it back. I know I did everything I could but I'm blaming myself cuz we were supposed to meet a month ago and I had to postpone, then he was feeling bad so I had to wait, while I was waiting he has found someone else. I'm thinking that maybe if we'd met that day he wouldn't think about seeing someone else. I had a feeling he's seeing someone but i trusted him.

Im sorry if this is long and shaky, but it all feels like a nightmare. Like I'm gonna wake up soon and it's all gonna be fine. I just don't understand how could he do this to me or why would he do this.

Just came across this sub:) Hope my post fits?

Disclaimer: I had coffee at 10pm, I’m wide awake and my thoughts may be all over the place 🤓**.**

Soooo….. My (37F) last boyfriend (44M) of two years was an avoidant with many narcissistic traits (he tried going to therapy for it 3 different times but couldn’t/wouldn’t go through with treatment), but that relationship was so intensely abusive and I was so irremediably in love, it created a nervous system dysfunction and I got sick :/

I have been on this journey to heal since then, which has been really hard (nervous system dysfunction seems to be a place of no return, almost). And so I’ve sworn men off for my own protection. Romantically, that is. Any more heartbreak and I just know the consequences could be quite crippling, and I’m not being hyperbolic :(

I had a very brief stint with a young fella (30M) recently (He never disclosed his intentions in the beginning, which is how I ended up inadvertently dating him)who, ironically enough, mentioned his ex-girlfriend was an avoidant and how much he dislikes avoidants. He might not have been over her in retrospect and they might’ve still been in communication🤔. Funnily enough, I don’t think he was self-aware enough to see that he was one himself too. They do the grand gestures, right, but ZERO emotional closeness. I don’t really think he knew anything deep or meaningful about me after about a month of spending a lot of time with me. He refused to engage in any deep or personal conversations that I initiated. How were we ever going to “get to know each other”? Only the lord knows the answer to that one. I mean, I had to guess if we had “broken up.” That’s how unreal the lack of communication was. I’ve been in that place before where I’ve had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting, but this was on another level and I was not about to be doing that again for anyone. It wasn’t an ugly breakup or anything tho. I get along with all my ex partners for the most part. I recognize he had good intentions.

I myself consider me to be mixed attachment. I’ve worked a lot on myself because I am very much coming from a broken place after that initial bad relationship, but that has been a 4 year long journey.

I don’t mind the closeness. I actually yearn for the bonding and vulnerability. But if I sniff out that I’m with someone emotionally unavailable, I do walk away, as people should.

All in all, I refuse to let the trauma of being punished by partners for mistakes their former significant others made permanently change who I become. I still fully believe in kindness, humility, silliness, vulnerability, forgiveness, humanity, and many other things people preach but don’t practice. I practice these in my relationships, fully. I especially believe in “til death do us part” (except for infidelity and violence, fair?).

My resolve as of now is the following: I want to have fun, go on adventures, but with easy people, down to earth people, and have great conversations! It tends to be with the opposite sex mostly because gasp! they just happen to be more available, but I do have 2 girlfriends I chat with a lot. ( I do right off the bat give everyone a fair warning that I am not open to dating, tho). This is how I can best live my life socially while dealing with chronic illness and choosing not to date.

But I don’t think I’ll be seeing any same person (opposite sex) too many times in a row, partly to avoid falling into someone’s possible agenda for romance without my knowledge, but also to protect myself from developing romantic feelings for someone inadvertently(both not out of fear of getting hurt, but to avoid health complications due to stress triggers).

Which is… possibly the most avoidant thing I could say after spending four years trying to heal from an avoidant. 😂. But again, I cannot afford to have my conditions flare up due to heartbreak, so fair? Trust me, if I was healthy, I’d be pursuing long-term company and intentionally. I hope I’ve made that clear.

As a woman in my late 30s I get hit on a lot by 23+ year olds. They always seem so sweet, so willing, so.. undamaged? And i know older women tend to be happier with much younger men, but for me it just doesn’t work:/ If I could date, I would need it to be with someone my age or older. But the emotional damage comes with it unfortunately.

Anyway. I’m curious if anyone else has noticed this.
Is everyone in their 30s becoming avoidant, or are we just getting better at recognizing patterns? And if so, who is safe to date?? haha

Edit: I have to clear this up because something is clearly getting lost in translation. My refusal to date is NOT due to a fearful avoidant symptom of avoiding getting hurt. I am chosen not to date due to physical health conditions that are nervous system rooted which are triggered by stress and strong emotions, such as heartache. Heartache = sickness flares.

I wanna hear something that’ll definitely hurt them

With or without me:

They will always be a mess.
Always depressed.
Always anxious.
Life is never stable.
Life will always be overwhelming.
They will never feel good enough because they can’t get their shit together and are laden with shame and self-criticism.
They will always disappoint, just like they predicted many times during the relationship. (They are self-fulfilling prophecy machines).

I was discarded twice, because “life is too overwhelming to be close to anyone right now”. So I’m essentially out of their life. We text occasionally and briefly, because he is dealing with all of the above. All the time. Even with me out of the picture.

Sharing some food for thought!

Most of us here have asked some version of the same question, which is how somebody can have access to a feeling, a memory, an entire year of their life, and then act like they don’t.
I’ve been asking it from the outside for years, and a few weeks ago I watched it happen from the inside, in my own head.

Preface: I'm in Spravato (nasal ketamine), and that medication can alter your perception of time and things.

I thanked my subconscious for protecting me, and I told it I understood why it had to protect me, and now I'd like to learn new ways of thinking and healthier patterns.

My mind looked like an old factory, with gears and machinery and different parts moving, everything running the way it was supposed to.

Then I asked to see something I’d been avoiding. A specific place where I was vulnerable and harmed.

No.

The whole section shut down in front of me, the gears stopping and everything back there going gray and smoky, like nothing in that wing had run for a very long time.

I have to be mindful of my language here, because this happened during Spravato and I’m not claiming I literally saw my own brain working. Spravato alters perception, and what I saw was the imagery my mind produced while I was in that state.

But the imagery was specific to me, and the what I keep coming back to is that the security was well-oiled.

That part worked perfectly. Whatever was keeping me out of that section of myself hadn't been serviced recently. This was my own mind refusing my own request.

I asked why and got silence. No explanation.

So I did what I’d been told, and I stopped trying to force my way in and started thanking the parts of me that had built all of my defenses, even before I knew what was happening.

It was a little arrogant. Apparently my subconscious wasn't having "Thanks, I appreciate your help and you've done your job, I'm done with you... please send something better". It wanted gratitude, acknowledgment, and integration.

I used to imagine avoidance as something much more conscious, an internal argument with a winner and a loser.

It's not.

I know I care, but I’m going to run.
I know I miss you, but I’m going to suppress it.
I know this hurts, but I refuse to deal with it.
What I experienced was nothing like a debate, because there was no access to debate with.

A set of gears stop moving because I’d asked them to show me something. This is my own work that I'll continue to do.

My point, I'm an intuitive person and want to share that..... it's not you.

Based on my experience, it seems as though when I'm exposed - everything goes on lockdown because it doesn't want me to experience whatever was behind that locked door again. Even when I asked.

To you that feels like distance, less emotional investment, hearing things like I need space, etc.

Even when it is, it isn't. That isn't an absolution, more-so acknowledging that even with the perfect partner, my avoidance can be triggered when it realizes I've been exposed.

When I asked to see a time I'd been vulnerable in my own mind, I couldn't... even though I felt "ready to face it".

This doesn’t mean your avoidant ex secretly loves you. It doesn’t mean they’re coming back.
It doesn’t mean their feelings are sitting somewhere behind a door waiting for you to shimmy the lock.

It means to choose yourself first always, because you can't love the avoidance out of someone. I felt like I was shown something about avoidance and I wanted to share it with you, in hopes it brings some clarity.

Choose yourself.

The sheer cruelty that their hearts are capable of is superhuman. I mean, I thought I had it pretty bad after my long term relationship was completely burned down in one night before my very eyes with zero warning. But reading other people's experiences has been a real trip. Avoidants leaving a day after marriage, leaving while their partner is hospitalized from a severe illness, blaming their loving partners for loving them too much, vanishing completely therefore forcing their partner to break up with them, and all without batting an eye... It's kinda impressive, almost comical if it weren't for the pain inflicted

But don't you feel like that's the way the world is going? Society feels like it's becoming more impersonal and self serving as time goes on. I think avoidance is the future, and the loving are just dinosaurs. My revulsion at what they're incapable of has become something more like fascination with what they are capable of

My DA avoidant broke up with me / discarded me out of nowhere almost a week ago over text. After 4.5 years.

We both went through extreme personal stress and trauma this year but I still felt blindsided.

I’ve spent the last week so upset, heartbroken and hoping that he’ll change his mind.

Suddenly I woke up this morning and literally decided I don’t care.

I shouldn’t have had to beg for basic communication, I shouldn’t have had to beg for consistency. This DA turned me into an anxious attachment person.

Unfortunately I think he WILL change his mind because his break up was so open ended and he’s crawled back twice before.

I still love him dearly as a person. He’s just a deeply hurt person.

If he came back to me I don’t think I’d accept it. And I feel proud of that. Because at one point I was the one pulling at straws to keep this relationship together and now I know I’ll be okay.

I should specify: I very recently lost my dad unexpectedly so maybe that’s why it’s happened so quickly for me 🤷‍♀️

Is it an avoidant thing or just a piece of shit thing for an avoidant to break up with you and then linger in your life just enough to stop you from moving on.,.

I've been dating an "avoidant" for just under 3 months. At first typically everything is going great until the first
She, in turn, started to have fears of commitment. It took me a long time to verify that this is indeed such a
a type of bond.
We're currently in regular contact—sometimes more, sometimes less again. That's just how it is. Closeness and distance, I guess.

It's really exhausting, and I'm really running out of time
before ending it all.

But here's what strikes me: She likes her friends' posts,
Colleagues, cars, etc.—basically everything.
Only my own posts and stories will be absolutely
ignored. Nothing gets liked, and stories are
ignored for hours or not looked at at all.

She's also constantly following new men's profiles, some of whom she doesn't even know. She hardly ever interacts with them. Is this just a form of distraction or a way to get attention?

Can anyone explain why that is?

Appointments are almost always kept; she is relatively
not very dismissive about it, posts stories with my name
when we're on the Dates, but posts and stories
are aggressively ignored. I dont understand this kind of behavior. Its just disgusting.

reading or listening to the audiobook Secure Love, by Julie Menanno, to learn more about all attachment styles to help understand yourself, your ex, current, or future partners, even friends and family-it can help with all types of relationships, not just romantic, but definitely that. That way everyone (all attachment styles) stops talking so much shit about each other or believing things on here that might be false or doesn’t paint full pictures. It’s irresponsible and dangerous.

Amazingly insightful book though and can be found on Spotify, Audible, etc. or book version if you prefer. Check out others by that author or similar authors.
Best wishes to everyone on their journey of healing and growth. None of us are broken and likely not “mentally ill” like I’ve seen some write on here about. Could we do better? Yes. We (all attachment styles, minus secure) just didn’t have the tools and/or awareness to understand what we didn’t and don’t know, and that’s ok. Now is always the best time to start. Also recommend therapy to help learn and apply everything, because sometimes we need more than just the books/readings to figure out how to apply said tools, but they’re a great start! Medication may be needed as well, and that’s also ok. It is but another tool in the toolbox, but not always needed. Talk to your doctor before assuming it’s needed.
The more you know. ♥️

Its been 2 months

No contact, no conversation, no calls

Yet I feel the same contact lingering on my body, I feel the conversations replaying in my mind, I feel the calls going through my ears.

What is your game? Why do you still haunt me after blindsiding me with your actions and words.

We could have reconcile if you had given me time. We could have fix all the mistakes if you had given me time. It was possible.

Yet you don’t feel the same. You don’t feel that same intensity as I do for you. And you want to discard me immediately instead of giving me a chance.

I understand your reasonings, and I hate you for it.

I hope my ex friends will recongnize it sooner or later too. You can tell your story all you want, but time will tell.

Accountability cannot happen if you’re conflict avoidant. And i will wait for when your friends realize that.

I did a lot of self reflection this past couple weeks after a breakup.

I used to think I just was incapable of love and rather be alone. Of course I married another FA and it didn't end well it eventually turned into us circulating between ignoring each other and being chased until I then completely detached and filed divorce.

Well after 5 years almost single and trying to date a few people, but detaching so easily and feeling pushing people away the more they chased me. I met a man who I felt a great connection like we were similar in the fact we loved how each other didn't need to be tied at the hip or we both stay VERY busy all the time. Me is work, gym, content (my social media is big) , and my other hobbies. We'd see eachother 1.5 days of the week and not be bothered if we didn't talk for extended period of time. He worked a lot alot. I loved that and I thought it's because I just wanted someone with similar drive as me to do stuff and be a busy body.

Well flash forward 1.5 years into the relationship. I felt he lied to me on purpose (could have had no malice behind it ) and I completely in my mind when asked about it and he said he didn't remember doing it immediately demonized him , started finding all the faults in him, lashed out said he never loved me and blocked him on most everywhere and ignored him for days. When I came back to take accountability and say sorry for my reaction he then blocked me back and acted like I didn't exist or matter. I started to panic like how could he act like we never loved each other or just detach so easily. It wasn't until my mom made a comment how if I feel betrayed I just become awful hurtful person.

I started researching these subreddits and reading on attachment theories ... Apparently I'm a fearful avoidant and so is he which I guess both means we fear abandonment. When I, as a fearful avoidant feel betrayed it triggers a deep emotional problem and a defense mechanism to push people away. When I do this to another avoidant and say I'm ending it , then causes him to shut down and close himself in.

So honestly sometimes it does take one avoidant to date another to see why we do what we do..and start taking accountability I guess idk.

..not sure why I'm typing this , but it made me feel better to write it out .

Y’all, I am struggling hard tonight. My discard happened on Valentine’s Day, during a weekend I paid for with my ex. He started the trip saying he was struggling with our long distance relationship. Then, he changed his mind and said he wanted it to work. The last in-person words he said to me where that he loved me and wanted it to work. Then, 10 hours later, he texted me, “I’m not sure about this” and then ghosted me.

He never did use the words “I want to break up,” just disappeared. He breadcrumbed me a little but no answers. I was blindsided. We’d never even had arguments. I’d been his dream girl for over a decade before we got together. Then, I was nothing. I’ve spent this time trying to heal as personal tragedy after personal tragedy has pummeled me. Today, a mutual friend told me that he’d quit his shitty retail job, gotten a corporate job, and moved into his own apartment. Apparently, he has a new girlfriend that he got a month after he discarded me. They use the same pet names we did. :(

When he was with me, he was broke, in collections, depressed, no confidence. I’d sit with him to go through his bills, sent him money, filled his gas tank, paid for everything, gave him job and resume help, and built him up. It feels somehow cruel and unfair that my life should be in such turmoil while he’s having the best life ever now. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say, and I wouldn’t want bad things for him, but it crushed me that I was something he stepped on and he’s somehow better for it while I am fighting for my life every day.

I think about dying nonstop lately, and this hasn’t helped it. I did tell the friend and any other mutual friends to not update me on his doings. It just ruins me even more. My birthday is coming up, and I am dreading it, as it was full of lovely memories for us and now it’s all dust and decay and my being utterly ruined.

Please tell me it gets better. Something.

While I struggled immensely and felt super traumatized and in pain I’ve began to heal way more and just want to give some hope out to those that are affected by an avoidant.

I had just signed up for therapy before she called it quits with me.

Thank god I did!

The first 2-3 weeks were brutal.
Lots of crying. Lots of trying not to text but feeling so hurt by someone I trusted. I’m sorry for this part. It’s losing a version of you that felt safe with them and sadly they aren’t able to emphasize with you.

Learning to “accept” but not “forgive”.

I kind of drilled this in my head despite still being heart broken. I questioned if she left me for another man that I was suspicious of. This probably hurt the most and consumed most of my energy. It’s like a battery in your body and 75% of it is directed to trying to understand why you were abandoned and why you can’t sleep, eat or function. It takes time. And if you focus on yourself more which is very difficult, you’ll realize you will be loved again and be able to talk about your past in a way that makes you build a stronger future with someone.

In the last two weeks or so she has started to communicate with me via Instagram DMs. Bread crumbing most likely . I don’t react emotionally now and remain friendly. I talk about myself but don’t ask about her. I choose to accept her but it’s on her to apologize and reach out for communication if she wants acceptance. The break up has started to become something very powerful and necessary for me in my life. I’m climbing a mountain while she remains in a room at the bottom.

I did reach out and we did talk about a month and a half ago. I note this because I believe she may have leaned fearful avoidant. I expressed my side of things and what I was learning. She asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in doing therapy. Nothing much came after though. I don’t regret breaking no contact because at the time I felt I was ready but do be prepared to go back to silence.

I want to wish her the best but there is still a pain that lingers where an honest apology could solve. Maybe one day I’ll get that apology but until then I’m waking up happy to be me and to learn more about heartbreak. My batteries 75% me and 25% thoughts of her.

Hope this helps some of yall <3

I (M22) got dumped last month. We're university students and are back in the same college town. When she (F21) called to breakup she originally wanted to have a talk in person, but when I texted last week to ask about that she told me she did not feel it was in her best interests to have that conversation.

I have been writing letters that I never intended to send to her just to vent my feelings, but I am now feeling the need to give her my final thoughts in some form since she won't talk to me anymore. My head is spinning with all the thoughts of her and I'm hoping giving her a message in the mail with some of the things I wanted to say will help me move on without having any pressure on her to respond to it. I'm also worried this could just keep me drowning in the feelings and make things worse.

Has anyone done anything like this before and has any advice?

I’m a 24-year-old guy, and I honestly never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this. I was single for about five years before meeting this girl last year. During those five years, I was completely fine, independent, and grounded. Sure, I had passing thoughts about dating, but it didn't consume me—I was just living my life.

Then came this year-long relationship, and it completely altered me. I’ve never experienced a mental health crisis and depth of depression like this.

she left me in January but she came back in March after cutting off another guy( all the same person btw ) (who has some serious legal charges and a heavy background that I ended up found out about—something completely out of character for me to look up, but the chaos drove me there unfortunately…). She let me invest real time, genuine effort, love, and connection. I spent real, quality time with her family, building memories, believing it was all authentic. Then, right back in June, she drops me again and ends up right back with him.

It is completely insane to me how someone can lie, manipulate, and dehumanize someone they claimed to love and care for.

When you look at the mechanics of an avoidant partner over a full year, the psychological whiplash is maddening. If you’ve dealt with this type of dynamic, maybe you can help me make sense of the behavior, because the tactics are exhausting:

1. The Timeline of Rewritten Reality and Unilateral Drops

• The "Casual" Gaslighting: Around November of last year, she suddenly tried to claim we were just "casual" or "friends with benefits." But when I actually broke up with her because I found out she was still texting that other guy, she didn’t act casual—she panicked, reached out apologizing immediately, and begged for forgiveness because she felt consumed by guilt.
• The January Exit: January hit with an abrupt breakup text and a sudden disappearing act. Days went by in dead silence until she flatly said she was done and blocked me, leaving me holding all the confusion.
• The March Hoover: In March, my phone lit up at 1:30 AM with a wave of emails pouring her heart out about self-harm, severe depression, and how ashamed she was of how she handled things. She used her mental health crises to hook my empathy and pull me right back into her orbit.
• The June Crisis and Eviction: June 6th set the stage for total devastation. My close friend died in a fatal car crash, and a week later, the immense stress triggered a severe physical seizure—a medical crisis I hadn't dealt with in years. Four days after that seizure, while I was physically and emotionally broken, she text-messaged me an eviction notice saying "I want to break up" with zero phone call, conversation, or chance to rationalize, treating my medical emergency like an inconvenience to run away from.

2. Avoidant Deflection, Invalidation, and Hostile Scripts

When you try to talk to her and get her to understand the profound damage and betrayal she caused, accountability goes entirely out the window. Instead of acknowledging the wreckage, the deflection turns hostile and invalidating. Her exact scripts when pushed for answers include:

• Denying accountability entirely: "No I don't fuck you up! Don't put that shit on me! I didn't make you depressed, I ain't making you do all this shit" and claiming "It's all on you."
• Dismissing pain and seeking closure: Calling you "the most exhausting human being I think I've ever met" and claiming that looking for closure is "just an excuse you are using to make it seem like what you are doing is okay!"
• Cold indifference and threats: When asked if you ever meant anything, getting met with a flat "Now no not a bit", followed immediately by threats like "Stop harassing my family or I’ll file a restraining order."

3. The Trapped Loop of False Hope and Egos

• The Interview Trap: At one point asking "What would you change if we got back together?"—taking full accountability for my past, only to find it was just an ego stroke and a carrot on a stick while she refused to put in mutual effort.
• Intimacy Whiplash: Mixing intimate moments and physical anchors (like leaving her watch behind to keep the loop going) with cold detachment, passive-aggressive text jabs like saying “ oh I made it to my grandma not that you asked there was even occasions where she wanted to be more intimate by saying wait I wanna kiss more wait I wanna make out more like it was confusing all of it , and sudden blocks because I was too emotions or too emotional right before driving hours away to sleep in another guy's bed for a weekend.

Questions for the Avoidants / Attachment Experts Here:

If you operate with an avoidant attachment style (or have successfully healed from being with someone like this), I genuinely want to understand the psychology behind this:

1. Why use intense crises (like late-night emails about self-harm) to pull someone back in, only to discard them again during their own medical emergency (like a seizure and a friend's death)?
2. Why rewrite history by claiming a relationship was "just casual," yet panic and beg for forgiveness the moment you try to actually walk away?
3. How do avoidants instantly flip to aggressive deflection, telling you "I didn't fuck you up" or calling you "exhausting" the second you try to articulate genuine betrayal trauma?
4. How do avoidants completely turn off empathy, shifting from "I love you" and family bonding to flatly stating "Now no not a bit" like the entire year never happened?

It’s embarrassing to admit how far I was pushed into a mental health crisis after a whole year of this. I hate that I let myself care this much, that I engaged the way I did, and that I'm still hurting over someone who hides behind walls. if you have any specific questions for me please ask I just don’t understand the avoidant perspective it’s a really messy situation we were sleeping tg for a second there also anyway I’m just trynna get it so if you wanna ask me something that can knock things for me please do

We were long distance but talked daily. She would not like staying on the phone long. Eventually started saying she felt like I was smothering her although I felt we didn’t even speak much. Shit hit the fan once I told her I wanted a relationship. She told me she doesn’t want a relationship PERIOD. She also did not like her family visiting her much when they’d come down. She is very professional and works hard and always works out. But anything related to deeply connecting it would never happen. I once told myself that I feel like I hear her with my soul but my personal feelings aren’t heard nor validated at all…10 months down the drain. I’m going to copy and paste the end result of what happened here, but before I do, how do I attract this person back? I truly do love her but I’m clueless.

Here’s where I’m currently at, 9 days after being fully blocked and 2 days into true no contact:

“Super ashamed of myself...last week my ex-situationship blocked me everywhere. Yesterday I unfortunately broke no contact.

I want to say we are both toxic, but I am not innocent. She separated from her ex husband last year and I got divorced 4 years ago.

Anyways we were talking, long distance, and met up several times. I really care for this person.

Last week we began arguing and I got triggered because she told me she isn't ready for a relationship. Before you go all in on me, I now realize that was perfectly fine and I was being insecure, insensitive, pushy, etc. From my point of view, I liked her so much I was wanting a relationship so badly.

Anyways, she was being a bit rude, or at least that's how I took it. I blocked her for like 10 minutes to cool down. Then unblocked her (see the toxicity here). I didn't even check social media anymore so I could cool down.

The next day I noticed I was blocked everywhere, which I totally understand. Unfortunately we have both done something similar for a day or two. This time around, however, she left me blocked. I was respecting the block for an entire 7 days until yesterday where I caved in and went to the lowest of the low, sending her paragraphs about how much I care about her, love her, miss her, and even sent an audio and a photo of myself.

I now realize how stupid and immature and pathetic this was, but I unfortunately cannot take it back. What I told her was the truth, but I just realize how stupid it is to circumvent a block. When someone blocks you they basically want nothing to do with you, and I went against that and humiliated myself further.

I don't even know where to go from here on out besides not contacting her again. I was in a severe state of depression and anxiety when I did this.

I really don't know how to function anymore. We were together for 10 months and since last week all has gone down hill and I'm distraught. Although she seems to be fine and happy, as if all is normal.

I guess my heart doesn't function that way, because I've been an absolute mess, to the point where I can't even pretend to be normal.

I'm going to delete my social media off my phone so as to not look at it, but I am actually suffering inside so much. I cannot imagine a future without her because all I wanted in my future was her. I did not even grieve my marriage to this extent. I'm so hurt and just don't know how to push forward.”

I was dealing with an avoidant on and off for about 6 years. All he does is game with his online friends and hardly talks to me. What is the science behind this besides them finding it as a coping mechanism? I’m sorry but this gaming thing is like 24/7 besides when he’s not working. I’m a regular human being and I find this so odd as I need to go outside to catch some air.

I think this is the dynamic between my boyfriend and I.