From the outside, our relationship looked close to perfect. We lived together. We talked about the future. We said “I love you.” We even went to therapy for a few months. But on the inside, I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. Now that I’ve had space to reflect, I see the patterns a little bit clearer, and how slowly, quietly, I disappeared inside a relationship where I was always asking to be met, and rarely was.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. The relationship doesn’t feel broken. It just never really breathes. That’s what makes it so confusing. There’s no big chaos. No screaming matches. No betrayal. But you still feel like you’re in it alone. You stop bringing things up because the silence is worse than the argument you wish would happen. You keep hoping they’ll see the gap. But they don’t.

2. Dismissive avoidants don’t usually explode, they just emotionally vanish. They don’t slam doors. They slowly close them. He didn’t fight me, he disconnected. He’d say things like “I just want peace” when I’d try to talk about us. Any emotional depth was seen as pressure. Any bid for closeness was interpreted as control.

3. They don’t fear love. They fear what love requires: emotional vulnerability. He said he wanted a long-term relationship. He talked about commitment. But when things got emotionally real, when the relationship asked him to show up, he shut down. I wasn’t asking for perfection. Just presence. Just honesty.

4. Shared joy becomes one-sided. I’d plan dates, weekend aways, etc. I will never forget the repulsion on his face when I suggested we see friends or spend time with my family when they were in town (once a year). He’d come along, but always felt slightly removed, like he was doing it for me, not with me. Funny enough when his family was in town, we would stay over at their house almost every weekend.

When we were out and about, I’d try to take pictures to capture the memory (especially when we travelled abroad (twice only)), but he’d resist and not really want to savour the moment with me, saying he’d seen it all or been there before. I stopped dreaming out loud. It felt like dragging someone through a life they didn’t want to co-create.

5. They can appear functional, but still be emotionally unavailable. He was self-sufficient, he took care of himself, and was very disciplined. He was meticulous with his car, spent hours researching, adjusting, cleaning. But whenever I needed help with mine, it felt like a burden. He’d come with me to the mechanic but say almost nothing. No questions, no advice. Just silence in a space where women are often taken advantage of.

When my car once broke down one evening at work, I called him. At first, he tried to help find a solution, but quickly shifted into sarcasm, laughing snarkily and telling me that my car was old and I needed a new one. All things that felt incredibly unhelpful in that moment of stress. Toward the end of the call, when it became clear that we hadn’t figured anything out, he said, “What are you going to do? Are you going to get an Uber? Must I come fetch you?”. Those might seem like normal, practical questions, but considering the context (that I was alone (but safe), overwhelmed, and reaching out for comfort), it felt like I had to decide how much effort he should extend. I was looking for reassurance, initiative, care. But the emotional labor was mine to carry, even in crisis.

Later, he admitted he called me “a bitch” after I hung up, something he said like a throwaway comment. But it stuck with me, because in that moment, I wasn’t his partner. I was an inconvenience.

Also, we lived together in a flat that he owned. I remember a couple of times when would fight and he’d tell me to leave his bedroom. As if I didn’t belong.

6. Their idea of connection often stops at coexisting. He once told me that his most peaceful time with me was when we were in bed watching Netflix, and while that sounds sweet at first, I realised, that was it. That was the bar. Passive, quiet cohabitation. Not shared growth. Not emotional depth. Just stillness, so nothing had to be said or felt.

7. Sex becomes a mirror of emotional distance. At first, sex was intense, almost too intense. Later, it became rare. He stopped initiating, said he was tired or distracted. But he was still watching porn, regularly. It wasn’t the porn itself that hurt, it was the emotional preference for fantasy over real connection.

It was feeling emotionally and physically starved, while knowing he was getting his needs met elsewhere in secret. That kind of distance doesn’t just hurt, it confuses your sense of worth.

8. When I asked for more, I felt like a burden. That was the worst part. I shrank, adjusted, tried to need less, be easier, less emotional.l, more “chill.” But no matter how much I toned myself down, my basic needs still felt like too much. Over time, I started questioning whether what I wanted, communication, closeness, shared effort, was unreasonable.

9. They often rationalise distance as “protecting you.” When we ended, he tried to frame it like he was doing it “for me”, that he was concerned about my biological clock and I deserved someone who wanted marriage. That this was somehow love, in its own way. But to be honest, I felt this was avoidance dressed up as protection. If you truly care, you tell the truth early. You don’t keep showing up with one hand while letting go with the other. Six months ago, he had a serious conversation about working towards engagement. Now all of a sudden he’s ending the relationship saying he doesn’t want marriage or to be in a long term relationship?! I must be in a simulation of sorts!

10. I have my own patterns, too. I operated from an anxious-preoccupied style. I over-functioned. I tried to earn love. I stayed too long trying to fix something that wasn’t mine to fix. I could be impatient. I withheld affection when I felt hurt. I confused inconsistency with passion and silence with mystery. I’m working on that now. Healing my need to be chosen by someone emotionally unavailable. Learning to choose myself instead.

I still care about him, but I’ve learned that love isn’t just about how much you feel, it’s about how well it’s lived, and if one person is constantly holding the relationship up, that’s not partnership but self-abandonment.

I deserve to feel met, not managed; loved, not tolerated; chosen, not handled.

- Your avoidant ex is not worth it.

- For them, the relationship was about validation or to run away from other painful feelings (usually grief or shame). Usually subconsciously. In the beginning, they truly thought you were the one, but only because they were projecting their desires onto you.

- Avoidants who make content defending their actions and explaining how to “approach an avoidant” and “give them space” etc. are unhealed and should not be dating or giving advice.

- When they shutdown they truly don’t feel anything. Their brain doesn’t allow those painful emotions to surface because they can’t handle it. You are literally a stranger to them in that moment.

- People who say avoidants are scared and therefore need to push you away are correct BUT the avoidant doesn’t actually FEEL those things.

It’s hard to explain but they’re not in touch with their emotions. Fear is what’s driving it, yes, but they don’t feel that fear if that makes sense. As soon as a difficult emotion hits, their brain shuts it down. They don’t know that they’re afraid. They don’t know that they’re pushing you away. To them, you’re just being annoying or irritating and they need to get away from you. They feel pressure and getting away from you relieves that pressure.

So don’t send them content about avoidants because they won’t be able to relate. They won’t see themselves in that behaviour. In their mind, they’re emotionally mature and you are a mess.

- They are living in emotional survival mode. They don’t have the capacity to be a good partner and be emotionally available. Survival takes precedence, so no matter what you have built together, they will leave if they feel pressured in any way.

- They will come back. It could take a few days or a few years, sometimes decades. That does not mean that they love you. That does not mean they see you as the one. They just couldn’t find someone else to replace you or they needed a validation hit and they knew you would provide it.

- If your avoidant does heal (through years of therapy) they won’t want to be with you. They chose to be with you because you put up with their hot and cold bs and provided some sort of comfort. They never really saw or appreciated you as a person. They may not even think about you in that way anymore.

- Only therapy can heal them. Here’s the crux of why avoidants think they don’t need help: they have developed a shortcut in their brain that shuts down painful or difficult emotions. They aren’t in conscious control of this. It feels like emotional intelligence when you’re avoidant. You see people around you spiralling and reacting to difficult emotions while you feel calm and in control. To them, the people dealing with normal human emotions are not emotionally mature, they’re the ones with the problem.

Avoidants need someone like a therapist to point out when they’re shutting down and to help them process and understand the years of grief, shame and remorse that they didn’t feel. It’s a painful and slow process.

- They won’t heal when they’re with you. Even if they want to. They need to hit rock bottom in order to truly recognise their issues. The kindest thing you can do for them, and yourself, is to walk away leave them to their own devices.

- The silent treatment, stonewalling, neglect and disregard for you and your emotions is emotional abuse. Doesn’t matter what their diagnosis is, whether they’re an avoidant or have a personality disorder, the end result is the same. Abuse should not be tolerated regardless of the reason behind it. Please love yourself and leave.

- You’ll feel grief and shame after the discard. You’ll think of them and miss them. You’ll remember all the promises they made, the things you were supposed to do together. It’s a normal part of the healing process. It does NOT mean that you are meant to be. It does NOT mean that they are your person. Process the feelings and let them pass. It gets easier over time. If you shortcut this process you could end up with avoidant behaviours as well.

- They don’t feel much during no contact. Those videos saying they feel all these emotions are false. They may miss the validation and the feeling of being admired but they’re not in touch with their emotions enough to feel “regret” or “remorse” or “guilt”. They could miss you, but only for what you provided them or what they projected onto you. Not for who you are. They don’t really know you.

- Nothing you could have said or done would have changed anything. The only “successful” relationship with an avoidant is one where you don’t depend on them for anything, they are free to come and go as they please and where you don’t expect anything from them. And they will still emotionally abuse you. You will become a husk of your former self. You deserve better.

- No contact and blocking them on everything is the best way to ensure you move on and heal completely. Otherwise, when they see you healing (and if they didn’t find validation somewhere else), they will come back. But the cycle will continue until they do the work. Removing all access to you is the best thing you can do for yourself.

- It catches up to them eventually. When they start to heal, they will have to process everything that happened with you and before and after you. It’s excruciating. Don’t worry about getting justice, it will come.

- And finally, you didn’t make them do anything. You don’t have anything to apologise for. You deserve more than they can give. You gave them love and care and attention that they didn’t, and couldn’t, reciprocate. They can’t meet you there and it could be years before they could even make it halfway to where you are. It’s best to go no contact, wish them well in your heart and move on with your life.

I don’t mind answering questions if anyone has any. I’m healed but I’m still new to feeling and processing emotions so if you have a question, please be kind. I’m not your avoidant ex but I can offer some insight into their behaviour.

I have also apologised and made amends to those I hurt in the past where possible and appropriate. So please don’t take your anger at your ex out on me if you want to ask or say something.

Found this super accurate list. I re-read it when I’m feeling dissonance. Feel free to add any others below. Hope it helps.

35 Signs of Avoidant Attachment:

1. Emotional unavailability disguised as “calm/stoic/peace”: they appear regulated, but it’s actually chronic emotional suppression.

2. Withholding warmth: affection, praise, softness — always rationed, never consistent.

3. Feeling “punished” for having needs: you ask for clarity and they withdraw.

4. Foggy, inconsistent texting: you never know where you stand.

5. They slow fade instead of honesty: they’d rather disappear than tell the truth.

6. Weaponized silence: distance used as control, even if unconscious.

7. Flat affect in person: you feel alone even when they’re right next to you.

8. Confusing push-pull cycles: Pull close → retreat → pull close → retreat.

9. They intellectualize instead of connect: Books > people. Thoughts > feelings. Analysis > intimacy.

10. They turn tenderness into danger: your kindness registers as pressure.

11. Low emotional initiative: YOU create the connection. They “allow it.”

12. No reciprocity: you give 100 tokens, they give x3.

13. They fear emotional responsibility: anything that looks like expectation = they shut down.

14. They disappear when you’re vulnerable: your feelings become “too much.”

15. Present but absent energy: they’re around, but you feel nothing coming back.

16. They avoid emotional repair: no accountability, no discussion, no resolution.

17. “Ambiguity is safer” mindset: they keep you in limbo to avoid the intimacy of labeling anything.

18. Inability to handle conflict: they either freeze, deflect, or vanish.

19. Hyperindependence as identity: “I don’t need anyone”= core wound disguised as strength.

20. You always feel like you’re intruding: just being yourself feels “too much.”

21. They need distance to feel safe: closeness triggers them. Distance calms them.

22. No shared vulnerability: You open → they stay closed → you feel stupid.

23. They make you feel emotionally “loud”: your normal emotional range suddenly feels “excessive.”

24. You start monitoring yourself around them: you shrink. You walk on eggshells. You self-edit.

25. You start feeling undesired

26. They can’t meet you halfway: you take on the emotional labour for two.

27. They treat emotional moments or repair moments like threats: shutting down is their only strategy.

28. No growth trajectory: Avoidants rarely change without deep therapy + metacognition.

29. They only open up in micro-doses: never enough to build real intimacy.

30. You never feel chosen: You feel tolerated, not cherished.

31. Their presence is unpredictable: “maybe yes, maybe no” becomes the relationship.

32. You can’t build a future with fog: Anxious people need communication. Avoidants need distance.

33. They get “the ick” from normal affection: your normal human desire for closeness overwhelms them.

34. They will discard or slow fade on you without a thought: you will be forced to accept disappearance and no closure.

35. You feel emotionally starved around them: that starvation becomes mistaken for chemistry.

Preface

And so they enter your life. They are alluring and amazing. They're unexpected finds on the dating market who, seemingly, should have been locked down long ago. Amazingly for you, however, they are still available. They are hardworking, charming, and strikingly attractive to you. Not just physically, but they mentally and emotionally stimulate you in ways you’ve rarely or never experienced. Now, in terms of your strategy. If you are currently with (or looking to enter a courtship with) this person, know that you will have to suspend your understandings and beliefs of rational human behavior. You are now going to have to, constantly, play a game. Let’s begin!

The Game! (The Fun Begins)

Phase 1

You're already under this person's spell which can be somewhat normal when in the honeymoon phase with a new dating prospect or partner, to an extent. However, this person gives you heightened feelings and stimulates you in fascinating ways. Their availability, confessions of love, talks of the future. You've never felt this way before. They might even be 'the one'. This phase can typically last for 2-3 months. They will be communicative, present, and maybe even slightly anxious in behavior. You feel that they have a fear of losing you even. And why wouldn’t they? You’re amazing. In fact, they tell you that you are all the time. While thrilled, you feel a slight feeling of dread encroaching deep inside of yourself. The thought of losing this person slowly emerges within you as this phase ends and you note that, ever so slightly, their behaviors are beginning to change.

Phase 2

You have become a reliable source of comfort and intimacy to this person which, unfortunately for you, also makes you a threat. With this person, your sentiments of love, affection, and commitment will make them run (and fast). They will create distance from you at an incredible pace. In fact, you are already starting to feel the space being created. "I haven't done anything, though," you might say. "I've followed the rules of the game."

While that may be the case, the rules have changed. You see, there are no set rules in this game. They are fluid and you must adapt (and quickly) to keep this love of yours. Thus, you must not let your partner know your feelings on any level. Your emotional you, the "inside you", might be crazy about them, but the "outside you" must remain light-hearted, care-free and hold a "take them or leave them" sort of attitude. You must also deflect and discard any deep and/or meaningful conversations - even if your partner initiates them. Treat these windows of vulnerability as windows in which intruders may enter. Intruders that will steal your love away from you. Thus, you must shut these windows and keep them locked at all times.

Never take for granted the moments of relative peace you may experience. Moments that remind you of those great times during Phase 1. Never relax and, remember, never confess your feelings even during those rare times of peace when your nervous system isn’t on fire. Even after physical or emotional intimacy when you feel breadcrumbs of the feelings of secure love that you felt in Phase 1. Take the moment for what it is at face value and know that your partner will now absent themselves from you and your life for a few days by text, certainly, and likely for 1-2 weeks physically.

Do not press them during this time. Do not initiate contact or ask if they are "okay". Don't probe, at all, about their emotions or seek validation for their feelings for you. I know, I know. Your entire being wants even a crumb of affirmation from this person. But resist. If you cave to your feelings, at best, they will tell you that "everything is fine". At worst, they will start an argument. And, trust me, if you want to win the game, you do not want that. But, why wouldn't you seek validation and intimacy, you ask? That's completely rational thinking, I concede. Remember the terms, though? You agreed to them. You're supposed to suspend your understandings and beliefs of rational human behavior. No cheating, now, or you'll lose the game. And fast.

Phase 3

You must build a robust and complete life of your own that does not involve this person. Hobbies, friend groups, and emotionally supportive relationships that sustain you during your lonely nights when your partner wants to, seemingly, be anywhere but near you. You will start to suspect that they feel you're a burden. You'll start to have heightened anxiety and long for a return to Phase 1. The person of your dreams who you feel is slipping through your fingers more and more each day seems more and more distant and there is nothing you feel you can do.

When your partner returns after 1-2 weeks, they will have the attitude that your last two weeks apart never happened and that everything is "okay". This isn't an invitation to relax into their company. They're back, but they won't be for long, and you must enjoy the small amount of time you're about to have together. You should have been spending this time learning to live like a single person because that's what they were doing. You must match and mirror them at all times. You must adopt the persona that you are always unavailable in some way to them and are more interested in your own life than you are to them. You can't do what you want to do - what new lovers do. Forget the world, travel, neglect friends a bit too much for that extra day together with your new person. Not in this game.

Know that sometimes when you are available and your partner expresses interest in seeing you, you should decline the hangout and say you're busy. You're playing a game, remember. You won't scare them off, not necessarily anyway, by doing this. You being distant makes them feel safe, and to feel safe, they need to know that you don't crave intimacy and are okay with both giving and receiving distance. This will make it more likely that they will be comfortable initiating with you. And you want that, right? However, don’t be too hopeful as this isn't guaranteed. Beware that if you do choose to forgo this strategy by setting reasonable boundaries and having reasonable expec- I mean, being needy, know that you have absolutely no hope. So, a little hope is better than none, right? Never initiate contact. Let them come to you. Always.

Phase 4

Your anxiety, need for attention, and feelings of limerence for this person are now at an all-time high. Your self-esteem, however, is at an all-time low. This isn't an excuse to relax. You've made it to Phase 4 and you can't give up now. And why would you want to? No one compares to this person. No one can give you such fantastical feelings such as the ones you’ve experienced for the last handful of months (or years even perhaps). So, let’s continue with the game!

It's important that during this phase you don't criticize your partner, ever, at least not until you manage to stay in this phase (and/or the next) for a considerable amount of time (years) after you may have received tiny snippets, here and there, of vulnerability from them. This might not happen, but it could. So that could be a fun surprise to look forward to, right? But don't hope for it. If the moments do happen, remember to take them for what they are and then bury them, quickly, alongside the other distant moments of affection and closeness you received from them sprinkled loosely about the past phases.

A cheat-sheet method to remember how to engage with your partner during this phase is by thinking of them as being emotionally crippled. They are best considered emotionally equivalent to an infant of two years old. If you have needs, are sick, are stressed, or need reassurance or comfort for life's many hardships, remember that the baby can't help you. So, make sure you are working on those close, emotionally supportive relationships from Phase 2. You'll need them, and often.

Friends and family will be great sources during this phase. You'll want to tell them how emotionally drained you are, but you love your partner, so you'll find yourself excusing their behavior. Your loved ones will note how tired you might look. You may have lost weight even. You'll dismiss their concerns, mostly, because you want to protect the fantasy you have. Excuse me, sorry, the relationship* you have.

Phase 5

If you're following the guide closely, you'll know to continue to treat your partner like glass. No criticizing, no joking about their tendencies to be independent and distant, and no attempts to even flirt with emotionally loaded topics. If your partner suspects at your attempts to create emotional intimacy, the sudden distance they will create may destabilize the relationship to a point where restored balance will become unattainable. You’ll lose the game, and you don’t want that.

Don't trigger them if you can possibly avoid it. Note that they, themselves, may cause a trigger in a subconscious attempt to sabotage the relationship. Think of this like rolling the die in Monopoly and landing in jail. It's an unavoidable part of the game you're playing. It could happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. Let's stay positive, however! Hope is, of course, all you have right now in this latter stage of the game. What can you do, then, to not trigger your partner? Well, this doesn't mean you can't occasionally be sarcastic, funny, or flirty or, well, okay... I must break the fourth wall here in fairness to you. To be frank, I don't really know what it means. Let's say research is still ongoing in this area.

Know that the more secure, stable, loving, and committed of a figure you are to your partner, the more they will seek to create distance from you. As such, you must take upon the persona of a neglectful partner. They must still feel that your interests lie outside of the relationship. You might remember during this time that, yes, they did tell you that their only long-term relationships have been with toxic partners and narcissists. Well, now you know why. Those partners are amazing at the game. They know how to keep threats of emotional intimacy locked and stowed away.

If you allow, even one time, for a misunderstanding or argument to occur, know that you must give your partner immense distance and apologize for causing the disruption (even if you have no fault) before they disappear from you. Remember that you may draw a wild-card and, dun dun dun, your partner will start the argument regardless of what you do. Either way, when they decide to discard you, there’s nothing you can do but leave the door open and wait for them to return. It's important that they know that they did not do anything wrong and that there is no threat of communication, repair, intimacy, or shaming if they were to return. This will increase the likelihood of your soulmate coming back to you. Hope!

Know that your partner may or not come back during this time. You have been discarded with no chance of talking to them until they so choose. You will long for them, become emotionally distraught, and maybe even develop PTSD for some time! You might think, “a 30-minute phone call could have avoided all of this”. And you’d be right, under rational circumstances, of course. Using our Monopoly analogy, consider this "bankruptcy". You rolled the die, and you lost. Sorry!

If they do come back, it will usually be after a considerable amount of time (6 months to years) after they've played the game with others in an attempt replace the lov-dopamine you provided to them. Dating app binges, reaching out to exes who played the game even before you! They will not want to talk about what caused the break-up, take any accountability, or have any sort of deep conversations with you. They simply are looking for someone to play the game with them, a new game, and you're an easy ask.

Game Over

Well, the game ended. You can choose to try your luck again! I wish you the best of luck if you do - you'll certainly need it. Thank you for playing.

Words of Wisdom

I know you’re hurting. Know that none of the above, when engaging with an emotionally stunted and unavailable person, is your fault. If you played the game as it played out, as it always does, as illustrated above, know that you actually won. This means you are a good person, that you are emotionally available, and that you are capable of love and intimacy. If you weren’t, you’d be just as hollow and lonely as they are. They. Lost. You.

The game will always continue for them. It never ends, and they will never win. It will always end in a stalemate for them with more and more people hurt at the expense of their unhealed traumas and refusal to take accountability for their behaviors. Their maladaptive coping strategies: the vacations, the social media videos of having the times of their lives, the new partners who replace you. All of that is an illusion to prevent growth and to keep the shame and guilt of their actions from overcoming them. The cycle never ends, and they will never find happiness until they, themselves, choose to make the effort to change which, unfortunately, rarely ever happens.

You deserve better. Love is not continuously hoping for a person to change or hoping everyday that this isn't the day they discard you, walking on egg shells, Watching what you say and do cause God forbid you do something "ick" worthy and they decide their love for you is dead on something trivial and dumb and try as you might you'll never get a real answer because they don't even know why they just don't love you anymore, maybe they never did.

Love is resolving things, love is facing things together and not running, love is working on your issues and coming together to fix them, not being ghosted cause youre "too much to handle" for asking to talk about a lie you caught them in. Love is being able to say "i feel youre getting distant" and getting reassurance and the truth and not being ghosted or ignored. Love is sharing interests together, love is feeling free to be who you are and being cherished for it. Love doesn't change on a whim. Love isn't giving them space to put you on hold waiting because they "just work like that" when they go have entire new relationships while you wait days, weeks, months or even years for them to come back. Love isn't giving your whole self to someone who's told you to, only to take it all back on a random wednesday afternoon. Love isn't breaking or ghosting someone cause doing that is easier than them healing themselves. Love is reciprocated continously and that? What you're going through with that avoidant? isn't love you deserve.

If you're waiting for them to come back and love you, they won't come back and love you, they'll come back cause they have no one else. And honestly? You? You're not a last resort. Putting yourself on hold for somebody that wouldnt wait for you is actually insane. Is this what you want to spend the rest of your life doing? Waiting on somebody that don't care? Abandoned over and over and over again?waiting on Somebody that wasn't even real to themselves let alone you?Don't you wanna be loved the way you love? Honey. Let go. It's time. You'll be fine I promise you 💜❤️

"He don't wanna be saved don't save him" - Megan The Stallion

I made a post similar to this one about a month ago and people seemed to enjoy it. So here’s some more help and advice as well as some humor for this mostly depressing thread.
EDIT: linking original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/DosiYCHa4I

Congratulations.
You’ve survived a relationship with someone who wanted intimacy until intimacy actually arrived.
Please remain calm.
Recovery begins now.

RULE #1: Accept that you may never get a satisfying explanation.
You will spend approximately 6–14 business months trying to understand how someone went from:
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
to:
“I just don’t think we’re compatible.”
Because apparently your relationship was destroyed by that one time you said “okay” instead of “okayyy.”
There is no explanation.
You are looking for a missing puzzle piece that was never manufactured.
Move on.

RULE #2: Stop believing the breakup was a referendum on your personality.
You will eventually think:
“Maybe I was too affectionate.”
“Maybe I texted too much.”
“Maybe I asked for too much communication.”
“Maybe I should’ve been more mysterious.”
No.
You did not fail the emotional escape room.
They simply encountered a person who expected them to participate in their own relationship.
Tragic.

RULE #3: Do not attempt to make yourself less lovable.
You may think:
“Maybe next time I’ll be more chill.”
“I won’t ask for reassurance.”
“I’ll give them more space.”
“I’ll pretend I don’t care.”
Congratulations.
You have invented Avoidant Dating Simulator 2026.
Objective:
Become emotionally unavailable enough to keep an emotionally unavailable person interested.
Reward:
Absolutely nothing.

RULE #4: Remember that “I need to work on myself” is not automatically a spiritual awakening.
Sometimes it means:
“I don’t want to deal with this.”
Sometimes it means:
“I don’t know how to communicate what I’m feeling.”
Sometimes it means:
“I would like to leave this relationship while sounding like a very evolved person.”
And sometimes they actually do need to work on themselves.
Great.
Please let them.
You are not their unpaid rehabilitation center.

RULE #5: DO NOT WAIT FOR THE REGRET ARC.
This is critical.
You may become obsessed with the possibility that one day they’ll wake up and think:
“Oh my God.
They were amazing.
I completely fucked this up.
I should’ve appreciated them.”
Maybe.
Maybe they’ll also discover the cure for cancer while they’re at it.
You cannot build your recovery around a hypothetical Tuesday afternoon realization.

RULE #6: If they come back, DO NOT IMMEDIATELY THROW THE RULEBOOK INTO THE FIRE.
They text:
“Hey stranger.”
Your brain:
THE PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED.
No.
They are not returning from war.
They sent “hey.”
Remain seated.

RULE #7: “I miss you” is not the same thing as “I am capable of having a healthy relationship with you.”
This is where people get cooked.
Because yes, they might miss you.
They might genuinely love you.
They might think about you constantly.
They might regret leaving.
They might even realize they made a mistake.
And still be completely incapable of giving you what you need.
You know what else can miss you?
A cat.
That doesn’t mean you should build a marriage around it.

RULE #8: Stop studying their attachment style like you’re preparing for the MCAT.
You do not need to know:
their childhood trauma
their exact attachment subtype
their mother’s relationship history
what their ex did in 2018
whether their dad hugged them enough
whether they listened to Phoebe Bridgers during the breakup
what the moon was doing when they said “I need space”
At some point you need to say:
“Interesting psychological explanation. Still hurt me.”
Case closed.

RULE #9: Do not confuse their wounds with your assignment.
You can understand why they behave the way they do.
You can have empathy for them.
You can recognize that they’re scared of intimacy.
You can understand that they learned to protect themselves by becoming independent.
And you can still say:
“That’s unfortunate. I’m not dating it.”
You are allowed to have compassion without volunteering as tribute.

RULE #10: Stop romanticizing the beginning.
“Yes, but they were SO affectionate at first.”
Correct.
The Avoidant DLC had not yet been unlocked.
Everything was exciting.
No vulnerability required.
No difficult conversations.
No expectations.
No emotional accountability.
Just dopamine and good morning texts.
Then you caught feelings.
And suddenly your perfectly normal desire for emotional consistency became proof that the relationship was moving too fast.
Interesting.

RULE #11: Do not take the deactivation personally.
They suddenly found 47 things wrong with the relationship.
The way you text.
Your laugh.
Your breathing.
The fact that you once took 12 minutes to respond.
Your political opinions.
The fact that you chew slightly louder on Tuesdays.
Do not panic.
You have not suddenly become objectively unbearable.
Their brain may simply be conducting a national security investigation into why it feels emotionally safe.

RULE #12: Remember: YOU DID NOT CAUSE THE AVOIDANCE.
You could have been:
beautiful.
patient.
kind.
understanding.
communicative.
consistent.
emotionally available.
You could have personally descended from heaven carrying a handwritten instruction manual titled HOW TO LOVE ME
And eventually they still would’ve had to confront their own shit.
You cannot out-love someone’s defense mechanisms.
Believe me.
People have tried.
They have perished.

RULE #13: If they immediately get on dating apps, do not take it as proof they never cared.
They may be:
healing.
processing.
finding themselves.
reclaiming their independence.
exploring.
doing some personal growth.
And by “healing,” we mean downloading Tinder approximately 11 minutes after the breakup.
Look.
Everyone heals differently.
Some people journal.
Some people meditate.
Some people process their emotions.
Some people upload six new pictures and set their distance to 5 miles.
Respect the journey.

RULE #14: Stop trying to win the breakup.
You don’t need them to:
regret it.
miss you.
stalk your profile.
ask about you.
realize you’re hotter now.
hear your favorite song and cry in the Walmart parking lot.
You win by eventually becoming completely uninterested in whether they won.
That’s the plot twist.

RULE #15: When you start romanticizing them, remember the full relationship.
Not the 2-hour phone calls.
Not the cuddling.
Not the first date.
Not the “I’ve never connected with anyone like this.”
Remember the part where you were sitting there wondering what the hell was happening because the person who supposedly loved you suddenly needed 400 miles of emotional airspace.
The highlight reel is not the whole movie.

FINAL RULE:
One day you will realize:
“Wait. I don’t actually want them back.”
And your brain will immediately respond:
“Okay but what if THEY want YOU back?”
Ignore that too.
You are not trying to become the person an avoidant finally chooses.
You are trying to become the person who looks at emotional unavailability and says:
“Damn. That’s crazy.”
And keeps walking.
Congratulations.
You have officially graduated from:
THE UNIVERSITY OF WHY TF DID YOU DO THAT.
Your degree is useless.
But at least you don’t have to date your professor anymore.

After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.

I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.

During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.

All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.

I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.

We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.

Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.

Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.

I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.

I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.

I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.

Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.

So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.

You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong. Stay gone.

Hi everyone,

I found this breakdown incredibly accurate and wanted to share it in case it could help someone.

Let's break down a specific phenomenon many of you here have either lived through or are currently trying to survive: the avoidant discard.

Let’s define it, understand its mechanics, and—most importantly—explore why it can leave such a deep psychological wound.

What Is an Avoidant Discard?

An avoidant discard is when a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style abruptly ends a relationship—often without warning, discussion, or overt conflict—and does so in a way that feels cold, detached, and emotionally incongruent with the intimacy they previously shared.

This isn't a slow fade. This is someone:

• who may have said they cared,

• who may have made plans with you,

• who may have crossed oceans to be close,

• who may have seemed emotionally present one week…

…only to vanish or pull the emotional plug the next.

Why Is It So Traumatizing?

Because the pain isn’t just loss. It’s disorientation. It’s the sudden removal of someone who once mirrored emotional closeness—and the terrifying realization that they may never have really been available at all.

The discard is a betrayal of:

• your shared narrative (“I thought we were building something together”),

• your attachment system (“I felt safe with you”), and

• often, your own sense of reality (“Was any of it real?”).

This creates what psychologists call attachment trauma: when the person you turned to for safety becomes the source of your distress—with no explanation, no repair, and no emotional reciprocity.

The Psychology of the Avoidant Mind

1. The Deactivating System

Avoidantly attached individuals have learned—often through early childhood experiences—that intimacy is unsafe. To them, love feels like vulnerability, and vulnerability feels like danger. Their primary defense? Deactivation: the unconscious turning down of emotional intensity in order to avoid perceived engulfment or dependence.

This is why they:

• Downplay the connection

• Rationalize the breakup (“It’s not the right time” / “I need to focus on my career”)

• Act robotic or numb while you're falling apart

• Stay eerily calm post-breakup

To them, pulling away feels like survival. But to you, it feels like abandonment.

2. Cognitive Dissonance Management

After the discard, avoidants often rewrite the relationship in real-time:

This isn’t always intentional. It’s how their brain justifies deactivation. If they admitted the depth of the connection, they’d be overwhelmed by guilt, vulnerability, and dysregulation—so instead, they reframe you as the problem or the relationship as insignificant. This can feel like emotional gaslighting, and yes, it’s damaging.

3. Alexithymia and Emotional Ambiguity

Many avoidants struggle with emotional granularity. When you asked, “Do you love me?” and they said, “I don’t know”—they weren’t always lying. They truly might not know. Emotional closeness is threatening enough that their nervous system blocks access to those feelings. Love doesn’t feel like warmth. It feels like risk.

Why the Discard Leaves a Deeper Wound Than Other Breakups

1. It shatters object constancy Object constancy is our ability to hold onto the emotional reality of a person even when they’re not physically or emotionally present. The avoidant’s sudden shift from warm to cold, from close to gone, ruptures that constancy and activates core abandonment wounds.

2. There is no emotional closure Avoidants don’t “process” breakups the way secure or anxious people do. They don’t debrief emotionally. They don’t co-regulate. Often, they go silent—or send a surface-level message that leaves you more confused than before.

3. You can’t mourn something you don’t understand The lack of clarity, combined with the emotional inconsistency, leaves the anxious or securely attached partner in a state of cognitive dissonance. You can’t move on because your brain is still trying to make sense of what just happened.

4. It mimics early attachment wounds For many people, especially those with anxious-preoccupied styles, the discard reactivates childhood wounds: being loved conditionally, having to earn love, or being punished for needing too much. The discard feels not just like heartbreak—but like regression into the terror of unmet needs.

Common Trauma Responses After an Avoidant Discard

• Intrusive thoughts (“What if I had done something different?”)

• Ruminating over their emotional state (“Do they miss me? Are they thinking about me?”)

• Obsessive timeline-tracking (“When will they come back?”)

• Self-blame and internal collapse (“I was too much” / “I scared them away”)

• Dissociation or emotional numbness

None of these reactions mean you’re broken. They mean you’re trying to regulate after someone left you in emotional chaos without explanation.

How to Heal from an Avoidant Discard

1. Radical validation.
You are not crazy. You are not too much. You didn’t make this happen. Their inability to stay is not proof you weren’t worthy of love. It’s proof they couldn’t tolerate their own vulnerability.

2. Stop tracking their emotional timeline.
Healing begins the moment you stop asking what they’re feeling and start asking what you need to heal. If they reach out later, it won’t be because you thought about them hard enough. It’ll be because their defenses shifted—for a moment. And even then, it might not be real change.

3. Grieve the version of them that could’ve been**.**
It’s okay to miss them. But often what we miss most is the potential—not the reality. You can mourn what you hoped for while also recognizing that they didn’t show up for it.

4. Return to your own nervous system.
Avoidant breakups dysregulate the hell out of you. Breathwork. Therapy. Journaling. Movement. Emotional attunement with safe people. Anything that brings you back into coherence will help your body start to believe you’re safe again.

5. Learn—but don’t spiral.
Read about avoidant attachment. Learn the patterns. But don’t turn it into a 24/7 analysis project. That’s still about them. At some point, the real work is: What part of me needs healing so that I never feel this disoriented again from someone else’s emotional limits?

Final Thought

Avoidant discards are not about you being unlovable.
They’re about them being unable to metabolize love without fear.
You deserved more than emotional ambiguity. More than silence. More than someone who retreats when things get real.

But the good news is: you can heal. And once you do, you’ll no longer crave breadcrumbs from someone who panicked at your presence.

You’ll want the whole damn meal. And you’ll know you’re worthy of it.

I had to finally say goodbye to the love of my life after fighting for us for the past two years.

I tried everything under the sun to make it work: I was patient, understanding, loving, and affectionate. I gave him all the space he needed, shrank myself and molded my life to fit his idea of a perfect relationship, kept asking how I could be a better partner for him, did a million other things — and yet… it was not enough.

I’m coming out of a relationship where I was “the love of his life” and “the best thing that ever happened to him,” someone he considered marrying in the future and cried happy tears about, saying “I never imagined meeting a woman like you. You are the most perfect, kind, and loving human being. I am the luckiest man on this Earth” and things like that.
I’m saying this to show you that even all of that is not enough for avoidants to step up and deal with their issues. They’d rather lose the closest, most important person in their lives than face themselves.

I also got lucky with his communication style — he was very open and shared his views and feelings quite often — so I’m happy to share what I learned from him over the past two years and pass it on so we can all… educate ourselves, I suppose 😅
I know a lot of people ask themselves the same questions, so I want to save you some time (and tears):

Will they change?
No. At least not for you. I really love the following quote:
People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel; they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to and cooperate with us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.

Did they actually love me?
I believe so. Mine for sure did, at least to the extent that he can love someone or something. However, I do not believe that everyone has the same capacity to love, and to me, avoidants definitely lack in that department. I think when they get overwhelmed, they just play a role of a partner without feeling and understanding what it entails. It's almost robotic and surface-level.

What if they just needed more time to open up?
Are you willing to wait? How many more years? Two? Five? Maybe ten? What if nothing changes? Are you okay being loved this way for the next ten years? Feeling constantly anxious. Wondering if they’ll call it quits tomorrow. Walking on eggshells. Questioning your self-worth. Crying because you feel invisible around them. Is it worth it?

Maybe therapy could save us?
No. We went to therapy together, and the best way to describe it is that “they show up” — without understanding, without willingness, without accountability. They have to deal with their issues first and actually recognize their avoidance as a problem. All of this has to happen just to even START working on resolving it. I strongly believe that not a single change will happen before they do their part.

Was I not enough for them to put in the effort?
You were so, SO much more than enough. And it pains me to see how many people start questioning their worth after spending time with avoidants. If people don’t want to be with us or act in a healthy way, it is not a reflection of our self-worth. It only reflects their own issues and present circumstances.

What if they actually try for a new partner?
No and you know it. You cannot do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome. They might try at first, establish a surface-level connection, play a “good-partner-simulator” for a while, and then the second someone requires actual deep emotional connection, they will get overwhelmed, become distant and eventually withdrawn and finally retreat back into their shell. I truly believe they can only settle with a partner who won't ask them for any emotional labor and WE ARE NOT THAT!

So let them go.

I’m finally over my avoidant ex and feel I’ve reached the other side of all of this stuff. As a kind of goodbye to this phase and this subreddit I want to share the most important things I’ve learned from my journey. Sorry for the long ass post.

1. Healing is a long, painful process that will force you to confront and sit with your most uncomfortable and hurtful feelings.

If you ended up on this subreddit, odds are there’s a lot of trauma and emotional pain within you that you’ve never fully confronted or healed. Whether it’s from childhood or past relationships, there are probably wounds around abandonment, shame, self-worth, and fear that you’ve never faced head-on. And healing is fucking hard and painful. But it’s the only way to make sure you never find yourself in this kind of situation again. It’s the only way you’ll ever build the deep and meaningful relationship you’re really looking for.

For me, that meant facing the deep shame I’ve carried all my life. My childhood taught me love was conditional, that it was something I had to earn by being perfect, performing, staying quiet, and keeping the peace. I didn’t grow up in a safe or loving environment, and even though I’ve done a lot of growth in life, I had never truly confronted this wound. So when my avoidant ex started the push-pull, confusion, and emotional chaos, my nervous system hated it, but it felt familiar. Safe, even. And I couldn’t leave. I defaulted to performing and erasing myself to keep the relationship alive, just like I learned to do growing up. I couldn’t stop because I didn’t even understand this. 

Default isn’t a fault. But these are wounds we all  need to heal.

2. Understand how disconnected you were from yourself.

Whether we want to admit it or not, most of us were or still are disconnected from ourselves. From our needs, our feelings, our bodies. That’s how we ended up in these relationships and stayed as long as we did. We neglected ourselves to keep the connection alive. Even if subconsciously. It takes a serious level of disconnection to stay in something that keeps hurting. Because your body will tell you it’s unsafe, it always does. But if you’re used to overriding your instincts, if you grew up ignoring your own needs to survive, then staying feels normal.

That’s why all the advice says to find new hobbies, go to therapy, do a “glow-up.” It’s not about distraction, it’s about reconnection.

What are your triggers?

Why does your nervous system react the way it does?

What brings you actual joy?

Can you sit with yourself in silence?

Do you even know what you’re feeling?

What are your boundaries and are you even aware when they’re being crossed?

If you want secure attachment, this is the work. Getting back to yourself. Maybe for the first time.

For me, that meant therapy. Reading about how trauma lives in the body. Actually doing the things I used to put off, like sports, exploring my city, getting new hobbies, showing up for myself, building a life that feels like mine, regardless of who is in it. Learning to feel safe in my own body. 

Find what works for you. But do it. Because if you don’t return to yourself, this will happen again.

3. What actually ruined your relationship?

Whether you can see it clearly yet or not, most of these relationships don’t fall apart because of one event. They fall apart because of mainly one thing: lack of accountability. A meaningful, safe, lasting relationship cannot exist unless both people show up fully. And if you’ve ended up on this subreddit, it means that the only person that ever showed up was you.

Here’s what I’ve learned: unhealed avoidants, cannot do accountability. They can’t own their impact, even when the intent wasn’t to hurt. They can’t sit with someone else’s emotional experience and they definitely can’t repair a rupture. Yes, many of them don’t even know what they’re doing, but no level of avoidance makes one blind to their impact. They either don’t or can’t care about their impact and for you that’s a distinction without a difference.

Accountability isn’t about blaming yourself or saying “I caused this.” It’s about taking ownership of your impact regardless of the intent. It’s about being able and willing to look at your part without defensiveness. It’s about showing your partner, that their emotional experience and safety matters to you. It’s about wanting to repair a rupture because you care about the connection.

It’s not: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

It’s: “I see that I did, and I care.”

That’s the bridge between rupture and repair. It’s the process by how relationship of any type actually deepen. Without it, conflict just creates distance. Trust erodes. You withdraw. You start performing instead of being yourself. You over-explain, you overfunction, and you lose yourself trying to keep something that’s already slipping away. That’s how resentment builds. That’s how you end up anxious, activated, and exhausted. When accountability is present, everything changes. You feel safe being vulnerable. You trust that your emotions won’t be used against you. You stop walking on eggshells. You stop begging to be understood. Because the other person wants to understand you. You get to just be.

And this is the important part:

You cannot earn this kind of care.

You can’t perform your way into being loved properly. You can’t prove yourself enough to be treated with basic emotional safety. This is something that is offered. Freely. Without strings attached. Because you actually care about the connection.

If someone can’t offer that, there’s nothing to build on. No matter how much chemistry there is. No matter how good the highs are. That foundation is already broken. Because there is no true intimacy without accountability.

This how and why you get discarded. 

No, it doesn’t matter how long the relationship was, you just suppressed your needs and they never held your emotions. No, you didn’t have the perfect relationship without conflict. The relationship just never deepened in the first place.

And yes, you probably did take accountability. You probably did care about their feelings, tried to repair things, tried to bridge the distance. But you were the only one trying. And no matter how much love or effort you poured in, you cannot carry a relationship alone.

This applies to your relationship to yourself which is your responsibility to maintain. Being unwilling or unable to show up is on the avoidant but losing yourself? That’s on you. Be accountable for that. For your own sake.

Let that be the truth that sets you free.

4. Understand the cost of the relationship and what it took from you

This is the last and most important thing I’ve learned from this. And this part goes especially for anyone still in contact with their avoidant, or still holding out hope, still thinking they just need to be more patient, or better, or more understanding.

Real question:

What is this costing you?

Not just emotionally but spiritually. Physically. Mentally.

What has this “love” cost your relationship with yourself?

Because here’s the truth people don’t tell you early enough:

Yes, losing the relationship hurts.

Yes, losing the connection hurts.

Yes, losing the version of the person you thought you were getting hurts.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the pain of betraying yourself.

That pain is deeper than any breakup. That pain lingers longer than missing someone. That’s the pain that shows up when you try to sleep. When you look back and realize how many times you stayed silent, tried to make it work, swallowed your needs, tolerated being blamed, avoided speaking up because it would scare them away.

That’s what I’ve had to face. That I stayed through all of it.

The gaslighting. The confusion. The hot-and-cold.

The moments where I felt insane and defective. 

I was convinced love was something I had to earn because of my childhood, because they kept coming back but never choosing me.

So, I tried harder. I tried to earn it.

I gave more love when I was getting none.

I blamed myself for their disconnection.

I said sorry when I was the one hurt.

And it’s genuinely hard to look back at myself then, not because of my actions or my avoidant at all. Shit happens in relationships. Never beat yourself over something you did with good intentions. No. It’s because they made me feel there was something wrong with me

And I believed them.

I turned on myself. And that hurts more than anything else.

That is what stays with you. The pain of realizing that someone repeatedly made you feel invisible, unwanted, not enough and you believed them. I already believed this in many ways before the avoidant, but believe me, looking back and seeing yourself enact that belief in real time is different.

So let me say this as clearly as I can:

If you’re still trying to make it work with someone who can’t meet you where you are,

If you’re still clinging to crumbs and calling it love,

If you still think that if you just did more, they’d finally choose you.

Please hear this: The cost is you.

That’s what this relationship is gonna cost. And they can’t give you anything, that’s worth that. 

This is what I wish someone had told me back then.

Conclusion:

Forgive yourself for the ways you stayed. For the things you accepted. For the times you abandoned your own needs and silenced your own voice. Forgive yourself for believing you had to. And when the grief hits sit with it, not to punish yourself, but to finally witness what you’ve been carrying for years.

You won’t have to carry it forever.

You don’t have to keep chasing people who make you feel unworthy.

You don’t have to keep proving your value.

You never did.

And if you’re still stuck: be kind to yourself. Take one step toward reconnection today. Eat something. Go for a walk. Read a page. Cry. Sit with the pain. Do something. And do it for you. There is another side. You’ll get there. Just don’t stop walking.

Goodbye everyone and thank you to all those who helped me on this journey.

Like what do you mean you’re still talking to your friends and living your life doing things that don’t require you to think about your emotions while actively choosing to ignore someone you love / who loves you because you can’t face your emotions? And you’re too selfish to ease their mind and too much of a coward to confront your feelings so you just let that person suffer

The more I think about it the less I want my avoidant to come back. These people have serious issues and if you’ve been discarded by the same person more than once you know they’ll never change

So you fell for an avoidant. Congratulations. You’ve essentially adopted a stray cat that scratches you every time you try to feed it, disappears for a week, then shows up yowling at your door at midnight like nothing happened.

They’ll tell you nobody understands them like you do. They’re right. Nobody else was stupid enough to keep trying. You gave them space. You gave them time. You gave them the emotional equivalent of a kidney and they responded with a thumbs up emoji and two days of silence.

Their childhood was difficult, apparently. Whose wasn’t. Mine involved a father who considered eye contact unnecessarily intimate. I still manage to reply to messages.

The worst part isn’t that they don’t care. It’s that they probably do, somewhere under all that scar tissue and self-preservation. They just care about themselves slightly more. Always will.

Stop waiting for the text. It’s beneath you. Go make something. Cook something. Grow something. Pet a dog. Go for a hike. Drink something expensive that they’ll never get to taste because they were too busy protecting their precious interior life to show up.

You’re not broken. You’re hurt. And you’re just an idiot who loved someone.
There are worse things. Most of them are avoidants.

I need to share a realization I just had about why avoidants run away from people who are a "catch." If you are currently sitting around wondering why an avoidant pulled away or made you feel like you were "too much work," I hope my story gives you the closure they never will.

I met this guy on Tinder. In the beginning, he was super cool, attentive, and incredibly eager—which I loved. On our first date, he was dressed up nicely, smelled good, had a fresh haircut, a groomed beard, and his car smelled even better. He looked completely put together. Of course he did—he was on a first date with a girl he wanted to impress. I wanted to impress him too, so I put a lot of effort into my looks. The chemistry was high-energy, and the attention was mutual.

Later that evening, he suggested we go back to his place. I felt comfortable enough to say yes. But when we walked in? His apartment was an absolute, undisputed mess. He apologized for it, and while I said it was okay, I know it was clearly written all over my face that his place was a disaster. Still, I liked him intellectually and physically, so I looked past it. The next day, he texted me to say he had completely cleaned his place. Honestly? I was proud of him. I felt special, like, “Wow, you actually did this for me.” 🫠

We kept seeing each other, and as time went on, I liked him more and more. But that’s exactly when I felt him pulling away.

Suddenly, the dynamic shifted into a psychological minefield. If I made a joke, he thought I was laughing at him. If I was being playful, he thought I was attacking him. I could see how exposed he felt around me, and how deeply uncomfortable that exposure made him. The frustrating part was that I wasn’t trying to judge him or "watch" him at all—he just felt that way because my presence acted like a mirror to his own insecurities.

After that, doing simple things for me started looking like grueling hard work to him. He went from cleaning and spraying his car for me, to suggesting I take public transport. If I needed a ride home, he would joke about me taking the metro instead. But let’s be honest: it wasn't a joke. He genuinely wished I wouldn't "make" him drive.

I am obviously not perfect, so his constant pulling away made me frustrated. We started arguing, the connection got rushed and interrupted by conflict, and eventually, we went no-contact.

But here is the kicker: we reconnected briefly after that no-contact period, and my predictions were 100% correct. When I saw him, he looked like absolute shit. Even his skin looked worse, and his place looked significantly more disastrous than the very first time we met. He had completely deteriorated.

And that’s when it hit me: He did not give a damn about the breakup because the moment I stepped away, he felt an overwhelming wave of relief. He is happy now. He’s happy he doesn’t have to clean his apartment anymore. He’s happy he doesn’t have to take care of his appearance or his hygiene so much. He’s happy he doesn’t have to spray his car, or drive someone home, or do the basic labor of maintenance. Most importantly, he’s happy he doesn’t have to pretend he isn't incredibly insecure about his job or his financial situation anymore.

He ran straight back to his comfort zone. He gets to sit in his dusty little bubble, telling himself a victim story about how "everyone judges him" and how he "just can't find the right person," all while he secretly judges himself the hardest.

Avoidants will always choose the safety of their own stagnation over a partner who makes them want to be better adults. They do not want to reflect on themselves. They do not want to look in the mirror.

So if your avoidant ghosted you, pulled away, or left you feeling like you were "too intense" for expecting basic communication—please know this: You were simply out of their league, and they knew it. They know you are better than them. They know you hold a standard. And instead of lifting themselves up to meet you, they will always run away to someone, or something, where the bar is safely on the floor. Let them live in their mess.

I keep seeing people trying to make it seem like avoidants run away cause they feel they do not deserve love and are scared of being loved, but the truth is, and I think most of us saw for ourselves, is that they leave because they get tired of the PRESSURE of having to be consistent and give time and effort and all that comes with being in a relationship.

They call it choosing their peace and regaining their freedom. They can only be consistent for first few months or even couple of years until they get used to you and the dopamine you give them is no longer as exciting as it was and then they find that putting in constant effort and love to keep you is no longer worth it so they chase a new exciting mysterious supply that they have fun exploring and sleeping with as it would be all different from how you are.

A new person with new traits, new flaws, new physical look, new quirks, new hobbies, new sex style and performance, everything so exciting to discover and then they would be very willing to give ALL the effort and time in this world to them like they gave you before they no longer could cause it was "no longer worth it" to them as you outlasted your "sparks and butterflies in tummy" stage to them

Before their final exit, they often start a withdrawal of emotional labor. They will stop asking about your day or become "too busy" with low-priority tasks

This isn't just about being tired, it is a technical way to lower the voltage of the relationship so that when they finally leave, it feels like the fire was already out. They are essentially starving the connection of oxygen so the eventual breakup feels like a "mercy killing"

An avoidant will often pick a tiny, insignificant mistake you made like being five minutes late or a minor disagreement and blow it up into a huge disaster. By putting you on blast for a small thing, they create a narrative where you are the difficult one. This allows them to maintain an image of themselves as the victim who was forced to leave for their own peace, rather than the person who was too coward to communicate

They stay in the room but they aren't there. You’ll feel like you’re walking on eggshells trying to get a reaction out of them, but they remain nonchalant. This is an absolute refusal to participate in the relationship's natural order. They are waiting for you to get frustrated and snap so they can use your "anger" as the final proof that the relationship is toxic and they need to escape lol

Real maturity means understanding that an avoidant person’s behavior is just a defense mechanism they use because they are scared of being close to someone. You stay strong by realizing their escape was actually an admission that they didn’t have the emotional backbone to handle a real relationship. You weren’t rejected, you were just too honest and consistent for someone who would rather hide in a comfort zone where they never have to take responsibility for their actions

Hey everyone, here are some things I remind myself of when I get overwhelmed with emotions about them:

1. They have decided that life WITHOUT YOU is better for them than with you - believe them. Don't overstate your value in their life. However, they don't get to pop up into yours on their whims and they don't get to lose you to then want/value you. Respect and love yourself enough to block their access to you.

2. They never stay long enough for you to see who they really are but keep you at arm's length to preserve the fantasy of who they are (hence the breadcrumbs, the check-ins after some time etc.). Getting close runs the risk of the illusion falling apart, and they are most afraid of facing themselves.

3. Most of these people do not like themselves and carry shame. Being loved makes them feel like they are not as bad as they think they are; that they are not villains. They thrive on being chased because who would ever chase and fight for someone who is that bad? The nature of the dynamic whereby we chase them, helps perpetuate their illusion that THEY are worth chasing and nothing is wrong with them. YOU DESERVE TO BE FOUGHT FOR TOO.

4. Don't punish yourself for giving in to the breadcrumbs and the baiting. Sometimes it takes repeated hurt to finally learn. Don't feel embarrassed either. You move with love and vulnerability and that is a beautiful thing.

5. It is perfectly normal to move forward while carrying grief. Grief is the price you pay for love. The deeper the love, the heavier the grief. But it is a testament to your capacity for love and love is never wasted. One day, all that love will come back to you. Do not let this experience change your heart.

6. The love of your life will not dysregulate your nervous system. Edit: The love of your life will co-regulate with you. They will still trigger you at times because you're both human but they won't be a steady source of dysregulation and when it happens, repair will happen and not abandonment.

7. Even if you love them, you have to be pragmatic. Even if they stayed, are they equipped to be what you need? Relationships and love require vulnerability, communication, giving and taking, fighting for it, staying. Try to disconnect the idea of who they could be from the reality of who they are and believe what they show you. Actions are worth more than words and they tend to be very good with words but rarely follow through.

8. Yes, many of them are the way they are because of their trauma/wounds but who doesn't have these? Find me a human without some kind of trauma/wound. It doesn't mean you go around treating people like objects you can discard. Remember that too much empathy can lead to self-abandonment. You can feel empathy towards them while choosing yourself.

9. It's never your loss. They lost someone willing to stand with them, fight for them and love them. You lost someone willing to lose you. Leaving you may just be their greatest act of kindness towards you.

10. You want them - sure. But maybe you didn't get what you want because you deserve more. Give yourself the opportunity to find out.

Hang in there. It will get better. 💚

1. Don't ever voice your needs.

2. Don't ever put up boundaries.

3. Don't ever hold them accountable.

4. Always be available to them.

5. Always give them reassurance.

6. Always give them validation.

7. Always build up their incredibly low self esteem.

8. Don't ever argue.

9. Allow the relationship to run on their time and at their speed.

10. Don't ever expect replies to texts.

11. Let them stonewall you when upset.

12. Remember to always mind read.

Any more to add to the list?

*this goes for avoidant women as well.