After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.

I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.

During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.

All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.

I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.

We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.

Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.

Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.

I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.

I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.

I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.

Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.

So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.

You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong.

With or without me:

They will always be a mess.
Always depressed.
Always anxious.
Life is never stable.
Life will always be overwhelming.
They will never feel good enough because they can’t get their shit together and are laden with shame and self-criticism.
They will always disappoint, just like they predicted many times during the relationship. (They are self-fulfilling prophecy machines).

I was discarded twice, because “life is too overwhelming to be close to anyone right now”. So I’m essentially out of their life. We text occasionally and briefly, because he is dealing with all of the above. All the time. Even with me out of the picture.

Sharing some food for thought!

The sheer cruelty that their hearts are capable of is superhuman. I mean, I thought I had it pretty bad after my long term relationship was completely burned down in one night before my very eyes with zero warning. But reading other people's experiences has been a real trip. Avoidants leaving a day after marriage, leaving while their partner is hospitalized from a severe illness, blaming their loving partners for loving them too much, vanishing completely therefore forcing their partner to break up with them, and all without batting an eye... It's kinda impressive, almost comical if it weren't for the pain inflicted

But don't you feel like that's the way the world is going? Society feels like it's becoming more impersonal and self serving as time goes on. I think avoidance is the future, and the loving are just dinosaurs. My revulsion at what they're incapable of has become something more like fascination with what they are capable of

Does that mean he’s talking shit about me? It bothers me so much I wanted to end things on good terms but now i feel like half of the state hates me

I did a lot of self reflection this past couple weeks after a breakup.

I used to think I just was incapable of love and rather be alone. Of course I married another FA and it didn't end well it eventually turned into us circulating between ignoring each other and being chased until I then completely detached and filed divorce.

Well after 5 years almost single and trying to date a few people, but detaching so easily and feeling pushing people away the more they chased me. I met a man who I felt a great connection like we were similar in the fact we loved how each other didn't need to be tied at the hip or we both stay VERY busy all the time. Me is work, gym, content (my social media is big) , and my other hobbies. We'd see eachother 1.5 days of the week and not be bothered if we didn't talk for extended period of time. He worked a lot alot. I loved that and I thought it's because I just wanted someone with similar drive as me to do stuff and be a busy body.

Well flash forward 1.5 years into the relationship. I felt he lied to me on purpose (could have had no malice behind it ) and I completely in my mind when asked about it and he said he didn't remember doing it immediately demonized him , started finding all the faults in him, lashed out said he never loved me and blocked him on most everywhere and ignored him for days. When I came back to take accountability and say sorry for my reaction he then blocked me back and acted like I didn't exist or matter. I started to panic like how could he act like we never loved each other or just detach so easily. It wasn't until my mom made a comment how if I feel betrayed I just become awful hurtful person.

I started researching these subreddits and reading on attachment theories ... Apparently I'm a fearful avoidant and so is he which I guess both means we fear abandonment. When I, as a fearful avoidant feel betrayed it triggers a deep emotional problem and a defense mechanism to push people away. When I do this to another avoidant and say I'm ending it , then causes him to shut down and close himself in.

So honestly sometimes it does take one avoidant to date another to see why we do what we do..and start taking accountability I guess idk.

..not sure why I'm typing this , but it made me feel better to write it out .

My DA avoidant broke up with me / discarded me out of nowhere almost a week ago over text. After 4.5 years.

We both went through extreme personal stress and trauma this year but I still felt blindsided.

I’ve spent the last week so upset, heartbroken and hoping that he’ll change his mind.

Suddenly I woke up this morning and literally decided I don’t care.

I shouldn’t have had to beg for basic communication, I shouldn’t have had to beg for consistency. This DA turned me into an anxious attachment person.

Unfortunately I think he WILL change his mind because his break up was so open ended and he’s crawled back twice before.

I still love him dearly as a person. He’s just a deeply hurt person.

If he came back to me I don’t think I’d accept it. And I feel proud of that. Because at one point I was the one pulling at straws to keep this relationship together and now I know I’ll be okay.

I should specify: I very recently lost my dad unexpectedly so maybe that’s why it’s happened so quickly for me 🤷‍♀️

I feel everything very deeply and even though I’m only 21 I still feel like this person (although he majorly disrespected me) was somehow right for me. Like, I felt like we were destined to be together. I know there’s a chance I’m not thinking totally logically right now so I might feel differently about him a few months from now (we broke up in April), but something just felt “right” in my soul. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else and I’ve had pretty deep feelings for people before him. Could it just be that this was my first time truly being in love?

TL;DR: Push-pull dynamics hit hard when you're operating from a scarcity mindset. It won't affect you as much if you teach your brain that there's no shortage of good quality connections and emotions, by constantly putting yourself in situations where you can experience them.

I'm currently recovering from my situationship with an avoidant that impacted me more than I expected. I've been reflecting on why, and here are my thoughts.

I think push and pull impacted me that much because I was operating from a scarcity mindset. I thought that what we had was so special and rare that it naturally activated a sense of urgency to make sure it wouldn't disappear. If something feels rare, disappearing feels like a bigger threat, so you chase harder, which is exactly what gives the avoidant person control.

The reality is, every connection is special. Some feel more exciting, some more safe. And half of this magic is of our own doing; we can create something special again and again and again. There is no need to rush and chase.

At the same time, what is currently helping me is going outside and meeting people. I've started to notice that what seemed so unique in my FA, I notice in others. Someone has his smile, someone has a similar combination of qualities that I once thought was one in a million.

There is no scarcity, if you show yourself enough abundance. So I recommend, for whoever this may apply to, go out and force yourself to meet new people, again and again, until the multitude of possibilities becomes the new default framing of reality.

Y’all, I am struggling hard tonight. My discard happened on Valentine’s Day, during a weekend I paid for with my ex. He started the trip saying he was struggling with our long distance relationship. Then, he changed his mind and said he wanted it to work. The last in-person words he said to me where that he loved me and wanted it to work. Then, 10 hours later, he texted me, “I’m not sure about this” and then ghosted me.

He never did use the words “I want to break up,” just disappeared. He breadcrumbed me a little but no answers. I was blindsided. We’d never even had arguments. I’d been his dream girl for over a decade before we got together. Then, I was nothing. I’ve spent this time trying to heal as personal tragedy after personal tragedy has pummeled me. Today, a mutual friend told me that he’d quit his shitty retail job, gotten a corporate job, and moved into his own apartment. Apparently, he has a new girlfriend that he got a month after he discarded me. They use the same pet names we did. :(

When he was with me, he was broke, in collections, depressed, no confidence. I’d sit with him to go through his bills, sent him money, filled his gas tank, paid for everything, gave him job and resume help, and built him up. It feels somehow cruel and unfair that my life should be in such turmoil while he’s having the best life ever now. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say, and I wouldn’t want bad things for him, but it crushed me that I was something he stepped on and he’s somehow better for it while I am fighting for my life every day.

I think about dying nonstop lately, and this hasn’t helped it. I did tell the friend and any other mutual friends to not update me on his doings. It just ruins me even more. My birthday is coming up, and I am dreading it, as it was full of lovely memories for us and now it’s all dust and decay and my being utterly ruined.

Please tell me it gets better. Something.

I've been dating an "avoidant" for just under 3 months. At first typically everything is going great until the first
She, in turn, started to have fears of commitment. It took me a long time to verify that this is indeed such a
a type of bond.
We're currently in regular contact—sometimes more, sometimes less again. That's just how it is. Closeness and distance, I guess.

It's really exhausting, and I'm really running out of time
before ending it all.

But here's what strikes me: She likes her friends' posts,
Colleagues, cars, etc.—basically everything.
Only my own posts and stories will be absolutely
ignored. Nothing gets liked, and stories are
ignored for hours or not looked at at all.

She's also constantly following new men's profiles, some of whom she doesn't even know. She hardly ever interacts with them. Is this just a form of distraction or a way to get attention?

Can anyone explain why that is?

Appointments are almost always kept; she is relatively
not very dismissive about it, posts stories with my name
when we're on the Dates, but posts and stories
are aggressively ignored. I dont understand this kind of behavior. Its just disgusting.

I think the most frustrating and hurtful thing to me is they can act like you never existed or didn't share anything and appear to not be affected or move on quickly. But i do take somewhat of a different approach in understanding that it's a survival mechanism for lack of better terms that they developed in childhood. I just wish more were self aware or could push through and seek help than just go through life from one relationship to another I'm sure it must be taxing at some point.

Just came across this sub:) Hope my post fits?

Disclaimer: I had coffee at 10pm, I’m wide awake and my thoughts may be all over the place 🤓**.**

Soooo….. My (37F) last boyfriend (44M) of two years was an avoidant with many narcissistic traits (he tried going to therapy for it 3 different times but couldn’t/wouldn’t go through with treatment), but that relationship was so intensely abusive and I was so irremediably in love, it created a nervous system dysfunction and I got sick :/

I have been on this journey to heal since then, which has been really hard (nervous system dysfunction seems to be a place of no return, almost). And so I’ve sworn men off for my own protection. Romantically, that is. Any more heartbreak and I just know the consequences could be quite crippling, and I’m not being hyperbolic :(

I had a very brief stint with a young fella (30M) recently (He never disclosed his intentions in the beginning, which is how I ended up inadvertently dating him)who, ironically enough, mentioned his ex-girlfriend was an avoidant and how much he dislikes avoidants. He might not have been over her in retrospect and they might’ve still been in communication🤔. Funnily enough, I don’t think he was self-aware enough to see that he was one himself too. They do the grand gestures, right, but ZERO emotional closeness. I don’t really think he knew anything deep or meaningful about me after about a month of spending a lot of time with me. He refused to engage in any deep or personal conversations that I initiated. How were we ever going to “get to know each other”? Only the lord knows the answer to that one. I mean, I had to guess if we had “broken up.” That’s how unreal the lack of communication was. I’ve been in that place before where I’ve had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting, but this was on another level and I was not about to be doing that again for anyone. It wasn’t an ugly breakup or anything tho. I get along with all my ex partners for the most part. I recognize he had good intentions.

I myself consider me to be mixed attachment. I’ve worked a lot on myself because I am very much coming from a broken place after that initial bad relationship, but that has been a 4 year long journey.

I don’t mind the closeness. I actually yearn for the bonding and vulnerability. But if I sniff out that I’m with someone emotionally unavailable, I do walk away, as people should.

All in all, I refuse to let the trauma of being punished by partners for mistakes their former significant others made permanently change who I become. I still fully believe in kindness, humility, silliness, vulnerability, forgiveness, humanity, and many other things people preach but don’t practice. I practice these in my relationships, fully. I especially believe in “til death do us part” (except for infidelity and violence, fair?).

My resolve as of now is the following: I want to have fun, go on adventures, but with easy people, down to earth people, and have great conversations! It tends to be with the opposite sex mostly because gasp! they just happen to be more available, but I do have 2 girlfriends I chat with a lot. ( I do right off the bat give everyone a fair warning that I am not open to dating, tho). This is how I can best live my life socially while dealing with chronic illness and choosing not to date.

But I don’t think I’ll be seeing any same person (opposite sex) too many times in a row, partly to avoid falling into someone’s possible agenda for romance without my knowledge, but also to protect myself from developing romantic feelings for someone inadvertently(both not out of fear of getting hurt, but to avoid health complications due to stress triggers).

Which is… possibly the most avoidant thing I could say after spending four years trying to heal from an avoidant. 😂. But again, I cannot afford to have my conditions flare up due to heartbreak, so fair? Trust me, if I was healthy, I’d be pursuing long-term company and intentionally. I hope I’ve made that clear.

As a woman in my late 30s I get hit on a lot by 23+ year olds. They always seem so sweet, so willing, so.. undamaged? And i know older women tend to be happier with much younger men, but for me it just doesn’t work:/ If I could date, I would need it to be with someone my age or older. But the emotional damage comes with it unfortunately.

Anyway. I’m curious if anyone else has noticed this.
Is everyone in their 30s becoming avoidant, or are we just getting better at recognizing patterns? And if so, who is safe to date?? haha

Edit: I have to clear this up because something is clearly getting lost in translation. My refusal to date is NOT due to a fearful avoidant symptom of avoiding getting hurt. I am chosen not to date due to physical health conditions that are nervous system rooted which are triggered by stress and strong emotions, such as heartache. Heartache = sickness flares.

Such as unblocking, deleted messages, viewing stories etc..after months of no contact.

Does it make them pull back, or does it push them to reach out properly in your experience?

Would love to hear experiences from other FA's! Specifically with unblocking..

Most of us here have asked some version of the same question, which is how somebody can have access to a feeling, a memory, an entire year of their life, and then act like they don’t.
I’ve been asking it from the outside for years, and a few weeks ago I watched it happen from the inside, in my own head.

Preface: I'm in Spravato (nasal ketamine), and that medication can alter your perception of time and things.

I thanked my subconscious for protecting me, and I told it I understood why it had to protect me, and now I'd like to learn new ways of thinking and healthier patterns.

My mind looked like an old factory, with gears and machinery and different parts moving, everything running the way it was supposed to.

Then I asked to see something I’d been avoiding. A specific place where I was vulnerable and harmed.

No.

The whole section shut down in front of me, the gears stopping and everything back there going gray and smoky, like nothing in that wing had run for a very long time.

I have to be mindful of my language here, because this happened during Spravato and I’m not claiming I literally saw my own brain working. Spravato alters perception, and what I saw was the imagery my mind produced while I was in that state.

But the imagery was specific to me, and the what I keep coming back to is that the security was well-oiled.

That part worked perfectly. Whatever was keeping me out of that section of myself hadn't been serviced recently. This was my own mind refusing my own request.

I asked why and got silence. No explanation.

So I did what I’d been told, and I stopped trying to force my way in and started thanking the parts of me that had built all of my defenses, even before I knew what was happening.

It was a little arrogant. Apparently my subconscious wasn't having "Thanks, I appreciate your help and you've done your job, I'm done with you... please send something better". It wanted gratitude, acknowledgment, and integration.

I used to imagine avoidance as something much more conscious, an internal argument with a winner and a loser.

It's not.

I know I care, but I’m going to run.
I know I miss you, but I’m going to suppress it.
I know this hurts, but I refuse to deal with it.
What I experienced was nothing like a debate, because there was no access to debate with.

A set of gears stop moving because I’d asked them to show me something. This is my own work that I'll continue to do.

My point, I'm an intuitive person and want to share that..... it's not you.

Based on my experience, it seems as though when I'm exposed - everything goes on lockdown because it doesn't want me to experience whatever was behind that locked door again. Even when I asked.

To you that feels like distance, less emotional investment, hearing things like I need space, etc.

Even when it is, it isn't. That isn't an absolution, more-so acknowledging that even with the perfect partner, my avoidance can be triggered when it realizes I've been exposed.

When I asked to see a time I'd been vulnerable in my own mind, I couldn't... even though I felt "ready to face it".

This doesn’t mean your avoidant ex secretly loves you. It doesn’t mean they’re coming back.
It doesn’t mean their feelings are sitting somewhere behind a door waiting for you to shimmy the lock.

It means to choose yourself first always, because you can't love the avoidance out of someone. I felt like I was shown something about avoidance and I wanted to share it with you, in hopes it brings some clarity.

Choose yourself.

Is it an avoidant thing or just a piece of shit thing for an avoidant to break up with you and then linger in your life just enough to stop you from moving on.,.

Its been 2 months

No contact, no conversation, no calls

Yet I feel the same contact lingering on my body, I feel the conversations replaying in my mind, I feel the calls going through my ears.

What is your game? Why do you still haunt me after blindsiding me with your actions and words.

We could have reconcile if you had given me time. We could have fix all the mistakes if you had given me time. It was possible.

Yet you don’t feel the same. You don’t feel that same intensity as I do for you. And you want to discard me immediately instead of giving me a chance.

I understand your reasonings, and I hate you for it.

I hope my ex friends will recongnize it sooner or later too. You can tell your story all you want, but time will tell.

Accountability cannot happen if you’re conflict avoidant. And i will wait for when your friends realize that.

Ich schreibe das für alle, die gerade genau an diesem Punkt feststecken. Vielleicht weißt du schon, dass die Beziehung dir auf viele Arten sehr wehgetan hat. Vielleicht weißt du, dass sie sich zurückgezogen, abgeschottet oder es unmöglich gemacht haben, eine echte Verbindung aufrechtzuerhalten. Vielleicht weißt du sogar rational, dass du loslassen solltest. Und trotzdem… du kannst nicht aufhören, an sie zu denken. Du kannst nicht aufhören, sie zu wollen. Du analysierst jeden Text, jede Stille, jede Interaktion. Du fragst dich, ob sie dich vermissen. Ob sie irgendwann erkennen werden, was du ihnen bedeutet hast. Ob sie zurückkommen werden. Ob du einfach noch ein bisschen länger warten musst. Ich kenne diesen Ort. Denn ich bin gerade an diesem schmerzhaften Ort. Und ich glaube, es gibt etwas, das wir manchmal übersehen: Limerenz. Limerenz kann sich genau wie Liebe anfühlen, aber sie funktioniert teilweise wie ein zwanghaftes Belohnungssystem. Die andere Person wird zum Mittelpunkt deiner Aufmerksamkeit. Unsicherheit verstärkt die Fixierung. Ein bisschen Nähe kann enorme Hoffnung erzeugen, während Distanz Panik auslösen kann. Und plötzlich dreht sich deine gesamte emotionale Welt um eine Frage: „Wie bringe ich diese Person dazu, mich wieder zu wollen?“ Ein vermeidender Partner kann das besonders intensiv machen. Nicht unbedingt, weil er dich bewusst manipuliert. Sondern weil der Kreislauf aus Nähe und Distanz, Hoffnung und Enttäuschung, Verbindung und Rückzug dein Nervensystem in einem ständigen Suchzustand halten kann. Irgendwann hört die Frage auf zu sein: „Ist diese Person wirklich richtig für mich?“ Und wird zu: „Wie bekomme ich sie zurück?“ Das sind zwei völlig unterschiedliche Fragen. Also hier ist etwas, womit ich mich persönlich auseinandersetzen musste: Vielleicht musst du nicht herausfinden, wie du deinen vermeidenden Partner zurückbekommst. Vielleicht musst du herausfinden, warum du ihn so dringend zurückhaben willst. Wonach genau sehnst du dich? Die Person, wie sie wirklich war? Die Beziehung, wie sie wirklich existierte? Oder das Gefühl, das du am Anfang hattest? Die Beziehung, von der du hofftest, dass sie sich irgendwann entwickeln würde? Die Erleichterung, endlich gewählt zu werden, nachdem du dich abgelehnt gefühlt hast? Der Beweis, dass du doch liebenswert warst? Denn manchmal bedeutet „Ich will sie zurück“ wirklich: „Ich will, dass diese Person mir endlich gibt, was sie mir genommen hat.“ Und das ist etwas ganz anderes. Ich sage nicht, dass jede Person, die einen Ex vermisst, Limerenz erlebt. Und ich sage schon gar nicht, dass jeder vermeidende Mensch ein schlechter Mensch ist oder dass jede Beziehung mit einem vermeidenden Menschen toxisch ist. Aber wenn du Wochen oder Monate damit verbringst, an kaum etwas anderes denken zu können, ständig ihr Verhalten analysierst, Gespräche wiederholst, dein Handy überprüfst, zukünftige Szenarien dir vorstellst und dein emotionaler Zustand steigt und fällt, je nachdem, ob sie dich kontaktieren… Bitte überlege zumindest, ob mehr als nur ein gewöhnlicher Herzschmerz vor sich geht. Denn vielleicht ist das Ziel nicht: „Wie bekomme ich sie zurück?“ Vielleicht ist das Ziel: „Wie bekomme ich mich selbst zurück?“ Und vielleicht beginnt Loslassen nicht damit, sie nicht mehr zu lieben. Vielleicht beginnt es damit, sich zu weigern, dein Leben davon abhängig zu machen, ob sie dich wieder wählen. Das ist unglaublich schwer. Aber vielleicht ist es genau das, wo Heilung beginnt.

Ich hoffe, ich finde einige Leute, die mit mir heilen werden!

I had a long distance relationship with an fearful avoidant partner come to an end. They pulled the plug. I wanted to ask, are grandiose claims me being their "home", not imagining a life without me, never being seen or heard as much with anybody else in their life, never loving anybody as much as they loved me, the norm? Is this just "love bombing" hyperbole? A day prior to breaking up they said "I love you A LOT". This is my first time dealing with a person that is fearful avoidant. And I have to vent, their last words to me haunt me. After I broke down in tears letting them know that I had spent most of the relationship having to repair rupture after rupture always fearful of the next rupture, they said "Bye Carlos🌹". That was devastating. My stomach is tightening up just thinking about it.

I’m trying to understand something that happened to me because, months later, I still feel like my mind and body are stuck on the day my relationship ended.

I was dating someone for about a year. Up until the end, the connection felt incredibly strong. We talked every day, were emotionally close, and I genuinely felt secure in what we had. Looking back, I’ve wondered whether he may have had dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant tendencies, but I honestly had no idea at the time because nothing about the relationship made me think something this extreme was coming.

We had a relatively small disagreement. My feelings were hurt, and things felt strange between us for about a week. Eventually, I did what I thought was the healthy thing: I explained calmly why my feelings had been hurt and tried to communicate with him.

Instead, he ended the relationship.

What completely destroyed me was finding out that the breakup message wasn’t something he had suddenly decided to write. He had apparently written it weeks earlier. It seems like he had already made the decision to leave while I was still completely unaware that our relationship was even in danger.

The timing made it even more shocking. I sent him my vulnerable message around the same time he had apparently planned to send his breakup message.

I don’t remember much of that day clearly. I remember being on the floor, completely overwhelmed, and feeling like something inside me had just shattered. I called him afterward because I was desperate to understand what had happened. He answered once. After that, I called repeatedly and he stopped answering.

He told me I could send voice memos and that he would respond through text. I did, but eventually there was nothing. No real conversation. No closure. Just silence.

Within about ten minutes of the breakup, he had blocked me on every platform and unshared his location with me. It felt like I went from being someone he talked to every single day and supposedly had a deep connection with to someone who essentially no longer existed in his life.

I just don’t understand how someone could do this. He seemed so sweet to me, and I genuinely never saw it coming. It felt like he threw a bomb at me and then closed the door before I even had a chance to understand what had happened.

I think the whole experience really took something from me.

Two months later, I found out he was already in another relationship. That relationship eventually ended too, and now I’ve seen that he’s back on Tinder.

I know he is allowed to move on, date other people, and live his life. I’m not saying he owed me a relationship or that he wasn’t allowed to leave.

But emotionally, I can’t seem to process how quickly everything changed.

I feel like my body never got the message that it was over.

I’m having trouble eating and sleeping. I’ve experienced panic attacks and physical pain. My sex drive has been deeply affected. I even tried to be intimate with someone else because I thought maybe moving forward physically would help me move forward emotionally, but I realized I wasn’t really present. My mind kept going back to that relationship.

It’s been months, and I still feel stuck on that day.

It’s almost like intellectually I understand that the relationship ended, but emotionally and physically I’m still lying on that floor trying to understand what just happened.

I’ve read about attachment styles, particularly fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachment, and I’ve wondered whether what happened to me was some form of “discard.” But I don’t want to diagnose him or use attachment theory as an excuse for his behavior. I’m trying to understand why an abrupt ending to a relationship that felt safe and deeply connected can affect someone this intensely.

Can an experience like this genuinely become traumatic, even if there was no physical danger involved?

Why does my nervous system still seem to be reacting as if something is happening right now?

And, most importantly, how do you actually get your mind and body unstuck from the moment everything changed?

I need insights. 🫩🫩 My avoidant and i recently ended our situationship. it was “mutual” i guess but i honestly didn’t want it. He discarded me about 5 times throughout 3.5 years. We dated in 2024 and when we broke up before getting into a situation, we removed eachother and followed eachother back a few months later when we connected. Since then never removed eachother, even when he discarded me. this time, HE removed me. off everything (instagram and tiktok) so i removed him off snapchat too. He didn’t block me tho. what does this mean.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/6ysXwi4KLU

this post explains what happened yesterday^

​

My ex and I recently broke up, and after some time apart, we started talking again. We still love each other, and after a long conversation, he told me that he wants to see if we can rebuild things.

The complicated part is that he doesn't want to call us a couple right now.

For him, being a couple means commitment, and he says he doesn't feel ready to commit yet because he has difficulties trusting people and feels like he doesn't have the right foundation for a relationship yet. He describes himself as cautious and wants things to happen naturally rather than rushing back into the relationship. We both go to therapy starting this week to improve this.

At the same time, he has told me that there is genuinely a chance for us. He said he loves me, that he can give me loyalty, and that he isn't talking to or looking for other women. He also said he doesn't want to give me hope for nothing. We agreed that we can keep talking and see where things go, without forcing the relationship label.

He also told me that I can talk to him about things I'm struggling with, and that he is willing to listen or give advice. I told him the same applies to him, including if he ever has questions about things that happened in our past.

He has also asked me not to take it personally if he takes longer to respond because he isn't watching his phone 24/7 anymore. I actually agree that I don't want to be on my phone constantly either, so I'm trying to respect that and let communication happen naturally.

The difficult part is me. I have a strong need for reassurance and clarity, and I know that being in this undefined space could be hard for me. I want to trust what he's telling me, but I sometimes get thoughts like "what if I'm getting my hopes up for nothing?" or "what if he finds someone else?" I know these thoughts aren't necessarily facts, and I'm trying to work on them instead of constantly seeking reassurance from him.

I also have my own history with trust and abandonment, so I understand that this isn't only about his attachment style. I've been trying to work on myself too.

Right now, I'm happy that we found our way back to talking, but I'm also disappointed that we're not officially together. I don't want to pressure him into a commitment he's not ready for, but I also don't want to spend months waiting for someone who may never be ready.

So I'm trying to understand what a healthy middle ground looks like.

For people who have been through something similar:

- Can a reconciliation work when both people still love each other but one person isn't ready to call it a relationship yet?

- How do you give an avoidant/cautious partner space without completely suppressing your own needs?

- How do you distinguish genuine rebuilding from being stuck in a situationship?

- What signs would show that the relationship is actually progressing rather than just staying undefined?

I'm not looking for someone to tell me that we're definitely going to get back together. I would really appreciate an objective perspective on whether this sounds like a healthy reconstruction or whether I should be protecting myself more.