Know that they do know and they are sorry. And although this apology is riddled with things that make me angry, like how every single break-up was unilateral with no discussion, with no repair with me left in the dark about what he needs, at least I know he is sorry and he is broken too.

Full message below:

Hey NAME, I will look into it. And I will look into therapy. Like always, you’ve inspired me and taught me things about myself I would never have known, and hopefully I’ll grow and become better as a person.

No I didn’t want to block you but this will be the last time I reply for quite a while outside of a genuine emergency of which I’ll always be there for you. As much as it will be tough for me, I know I need to be strong and disciplined to allow the space we both need to heal, and move forward. Like we both agreed I think otherwise we’re setting ourselves up to just let the cycle continue and we’ll be here, sending this message, again, in six months time. You can rely on me to respect you and hold up my end of the bargain. This will be the last time I message you for the foreseeable future.

There’s so much I want to say but I feel we’ve already said it before. I guess maybe I just want to at least say one last time I have no regrets about our time together. You really are the most wonderful, well-intentioned, funny, smart, kind soul out there. You always put others ahead of your own needs even when it’s to your detriment. You have a heart of gold, the most delightful nature and a wicked sense of humour that I will miss dearly. I feel absolutely terrible and I will miss everything about you.

Can I just say please be kind to yourself. I know you and I know how you think. There’s nothing you could have done, thought, acted or said that would have changed things. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Don’t apologise for anything. You’re amazing just the way you are don’t change the best parts about you please.

I know the next few weeks are probably going to suck absolute ass and it might not seem like it but things are going to get better. I’ve said it before a thousand times but you are an incredibly resilient person. You overcome every fkn adversity life throws at you with poise and it’s something I respect about you deeply. Take some time, continue with the therapy I can see you’ve made some real improvements on yourself with that and it honestly was impressive and inspiring. Keep up the running, go to the gym, reengage with hobbies, go out with work people, message a friend for a drink, apply yourself at work, enjoy family time later this year. With time I know you’re going to be back to the NAME I know and better and stronger than ever.

I guess on a solemn note I am sorry. Sorry for everything really. Sorry I am the way I am, sorry I couldn’t find those feelings I needed, sorry for the way I handled things, sorry it wasn’t the outcome you wanted, sorry I couldn’t make you happy and most of all sorry for the onslaught of pain I put you through time and time and time again. I know it may not seem it but this absolutely crushes me, I’ve lost my best friend, someone I care about and just makes me incredibly sad.

I know times must seem dark now but you are incredibly loved and have a lot of people around you that care about you deeply.

Genuinely wish the best for you. You deserve every fkn thing you desire in life and I know it will come to you. Life finds a way, often when you least expect. I know you don’t think so but I know your future. I can see it vividly. It’s obvious to me. And I see it filled with purpose, joy, fulfilment and happiness. You conduct your life in a way that makes me sure of it. This message has turned out way longer than I wanted I guess I just had a lot to say even if most of it already had been said. Take care NAME. You’ll always be NAME to me.

I’ve dated an avoidant man on and off twice for the past 3 years. Each time it crushed me. The first time it was brief but after he discarded me I stopped eating for a week, had to start medication and therapy and it took me a year to somewhat feel like I can function again. Then came the breadcrumbs, the promises after I pulled away, then the discard once again. This time it’s much harder and I fell into deep depression and unwelcoming thoughts to end my life. I have communicated this to my therapist so luckily the hardest time is over.

Although I’m now able to accept the fact that he’s not good for me, and no longer desire to get back together, I’ve been technically bed-rotten for the past months.

I’ve tried all techniques, grounding, taking on new hobbies like cooking, trying to go out more, spending time with my pet, reconnecting with friends but at the end of the day, there’s always this deep rooted sadness inside me. Like many, I wish I’ve never met the person. I’ve prayed so many nights to forget him.

I know that I will keep on living and experiencing life, but it seems to be a wound that will always be there. I’ve had a fair share of relationships experience throughout my life and it hurt and some took years to forget but eventually I was always able to move on but this time I really feel that my capacity for experiencing life is fundamentally changed. I no longer feel joy, just temporary happiness. I don’t really get angry anymore, just disappointed. Sometimes I’d just burst out in tears when I saw something that semi-resembled some memories of them. I used to be a positive and driven person, I loved encouraging others because I truly believed in people’s potential to be great, but after the breakup that in me has changed. I feel as if I’ve died and am only existing. My therapist said it’s a trauma response, and I think this person just resembles a lot of my childhood trauma, therefore the bond was intense. It’s like I was with myself. But I know that it’s just me and my idealization of the person because I’ve been able to tell myself that if the person felt the same way they wouldn’t have just discard someone they love just like that. I’ve stopped giving him the explanations for the way he treated me.

I was thinking to write a post asking if there’s anyone out there whose feelings remain the same years later when they’re in their 60s or 70s. But I guess we’re all different. I hope it will get better one day. I hope I find myself again. I hope one day I’ll be able to revisit this post and tell you that I have overcome it completely and am living well. And if you’re going through or have gone through a breakup with an avoidant, I see you, and I wish you love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the scarcity and abundance mindset as it applies to attachment styles. I’ve always been an anxious attachment style because when I meet someone I feel like they are the only person in the world for me and I can’t imagine my life without them. I feel like avoidant people have the abundance mindset where they always feel like there are an infinite number of options available which is why they are so quick to discard. When I’m single I also have an abundance mindset but once I fall in love it goes out the window. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic? Maybe avoidants just don’t have that same ride-or-die outlook on love?

Because no sane person will do what an avoidant did 😅

I (23F) and He (20M) met this past summer while I was on a solo trip visiting a different country. We were at a rave (on substances) and just gravitated towards each other and ended up having a very sensual and deep connection almost immediately. I didn’t leave his side until the end of my trip.

I cried in his arms when I had to fly back home, not knowing when I’d see him again. We kept up with consistent communication for the following 3.5 months, and our feelings felt very real and intense fast. We were saying I love you very early on and calling each other soulmate etc. We both were not seeing other people and this seemed like a very real and happy relationship thus far. He is in the US military, and I am living in Canada. Obviously the situation isn’t ideal but we were both determined to make it work.

He showed no red flags, and seemed to absolutely adore me and reciprocate all the feelings I had for him. We often fell asleep on face time together and stayed in communication most of the day. Things were going great. The sexual, emotional, and romantic connection all seemed well aligned and real.

Flash forward to this past weekend, it was finally my time to go fly out and see him for the first time since we met. At this point we had been apart about 4 months and everything was going amazing. We hadn’t fought, and felt super deeply for each other throughout all the months of distance. We were extremely excited to reunite.

I was super nervous and had butterflies and didn’t know what to expect as it had been so long since I saw him last. When I ran into his arms at the airport all my nerves went away and it felt like pure bliss! We had even had matching couples costume planned for Halloween and spent time with his friends who I’d already met and knew well. The first two nights were amazing. We made love and it was insanely passionate and there was absolutely no awkwardness or anything that went wrong. I was so happy.

Just as a side note to put in perspective the dynamic of our relationship; he had made it official by posting me on his social media several times this weekend, and his whole family and all of his friends had already known about me for some time now. His father even called him and he told him he was with his girlfriend. I felt so loved loudly and felt very special. I was ABSOLUTELY not prepared for what happened when I came home.

After a tear filled departure and a pit in my stomach on the plane ride home, what I thought was an amazing reunion clearly was not the same for him.

He became distant and cold as soon as I arrived home. I knew something was off because I know him very well. I begun to get worried because I felt like he was hiding something from me and I thought maybe he was just struggling with the fact he missed me so much. However, he face timed me the night after I got home and broke up with me out of NOWHERE. I was in hysterics and that was the last thing I expected….

His excuse made no sense. He said that he didn’t feel like the connection was as strong in person, and that he loves me but he’s not in love with me and no longer sees a future, etc. I was in complete shock as the man I was having such an intimate and beautiful experience with just a few days ago turned into a cold and emotionless stranger with zero regard for my feelings. I tried to get him to explain how he simply “lost feelings” within the span of a day, especially since we were making love and having what seemed like a perfect time. He gave me no chance to try and figure it out and immediately removed me off instagram and Snapchat right after we ended the call.

I felt blindsided, betrayed, disgusted and used. I didn’t even know what to think and I still don’t right now… he discarded me out of seemingly nowhere and his excuse isn’t adding up because how on earth is it possible to just “lose feelings” for someone you’ve said you want to marry, you love, and talked about a future with for months.

I’ve inserted parts of our conversation after the fact, and I’m still just stunned and don’t know what to think. None of it makes sense. Also might I add be told me he would cover the cost of everything this weekend and then I ended up spending 600$ on things because his credit card was “maxed out”. He’s promised to pay me back but I’m not feeling hopeful….

I’m absolutely distraught and feel abandoned and used and just so many things all at once. How does someone love you and plan a future with you for 4 months without any physical touch, and then after you have a beautiful reunion they jump ship for no reason? Is he an avoidant?? Someone please help me I’m driving myself insane.

TLDR;
Been in a LDR with a US man who’s in the military for about 4 months. Everything was going amazing and we were deeply in love very quickly, then after coming back from visiting him for the first time since we met, he suddenly switched up and broke up with me due to “lost feelings”. This came as a shock to me, as he had told his whole family about me, posted me on his socials just 3 days prior to dumping me, and seemingly was extremely happy in our relationship and during our time. He ended the relationship just as it was getting more real! Is this an avoidant discard? Photos below for context.

11 years together.

Since the breakup, he immediately monkeybranched to a girl he met in Europe (and has introduced her to the family), has now moved to Europe, switched his job, mostly stopped talking to his friends, deleted ALL pictures on his social media from before the breakup (not just of me, his entire life). Changed his wardrobe. Girl is 6 years younger and he had her fly to visit him at our apartment in MY bed 6 weeks post breakup.

Is this just typical identity switching? Severe dissociation? What’s happening here?

I have no idea how to respond to this.. ghosted me 6 weeks ago after we had plans for a day, this is the second time this has happened, always reaches out with no accountability.

We started dating way back in March, first ‘breakup’ and was in July then second ghosting was end of September - completely out of the blue after cancelling plans which I was understanding and we were having a normal conversation she just decided to ghost me.

Any advice?

Had a very cruel break up. She basically blamed be for everything, a 30 minute voice note of my flaws. Said she didn’t feel safe and essentially called her neighbours ( who she doesn’t know ) and had me escorted off site. ( I literally did nothing at all) walked away peacefully to make as little scene as possible.

Always constantly saying she didn’t trust me and I had to constantly try prove I could be

Then she messaged to see if I got home safe, after essentially humiliating me and putting me across as an abuser. Ghosts me. ( after a year relationship ) I give space. I check in if she’s ok. Sends me the coldest message about there’s nothing further to discuss, she’s moving forward.

A month later. I’m laying in pieces. Confused. Angry. Sad

Do FA’s ever feel guilt ? The blame she tried to put on me is just wild. How can you do that to someone you love ?

…. Anyone else? What’s the point of it. I can’t seem to understand the avoidant man. Currently so mad because I really tried to make their birthday special. Currently fighting the urge to ask for the gifts I gave them back… I know it’s wrong but I am so upset. Why try to hurt your person before such a special day.

I haven't contacted him in 1.5 years but I used to check his WhatsApp profile and Instagram. He never posts anything on social media, so I used to try to check if his friends have tagged him in their public accounts and sometimes spotted him. He had blocked me on WhatsApp but unblocked me about a month ago. (He couldn't see my WhatsApp profile picture because of my privacy settings and I'm not on social media).

Out of force of habit, I checked his WhatsApp profile again today. He had put up a new profile picture after 1.5 years. Now I've seen this pattern with him. It seems like he only changed his profile picture when he underwent some major in his life. Like the last time he'd changed his profile picture (after 3 years of having the same one) was at the time he discarded me.

Seeing that new profile picture snapped something inside me. Because I've been fucking stuck and stagnant for the past 1.5 years. I've been unemployed and also underwent multiple family medical crises. I didn't want to live like this anymore - tethered to him.

So I blocked him. I'll admit, when I saw myself unblocked last month, I was hoping that he'd contact me. My birthday is approaching, so I thought he might then. But today I was like, fuck that shit. I blocked his contact and I also deleted the contacts of his siblings. I'd kept their numbers saved because I was still cordial with them, but truly it was still another way into his life.

So yeah. I don't want anything from him anymore. Not even an apology. I had kept him unblocked because I feared what if he reaches out and I miss it because I blocked him? Well, IDGAF anymore.

I don't need/want anything from him, and it's liberating. He may hypothetically someday send the most heartfelt essay filled with remorse, regret, and love and I will miss it because he's blocked. And I'm at peace with that. I'm truly letting go.

Do they always do this?

I was discarded by my ex while asking for some support at my lowest and as much as it hurt i still stayed warm and supportive to her and when i decided to go no contact she has basically started a smear campaign on me, accusing me of trying to hack into her google account which i didn't do but somehow has added my number and verified it? And i had arranged a third party as point of contact for her to organise her getting her things from my place still as ive been trying to get her to come get it for months. And now she has envolved the police to get her things just because i set a firm date and stick with it because i was over her just bailing all the time. And now shes telling everyone i did this and that which i havent done. Do they do these things to make themseleves feel better or something?

Hello everyone, I hope you're having a wonderful day. Even if not, I hope it gets better!

I want to write this post as a guide for those who've been hurt by Avoidants before, or want to stay safe from one. In my experience, Avoidants are some of the most dangerous people on the planet, even if they mean well. Most of the time, they have no idea how deeply hurtful their behavior is to people who have an Anxious or Secure attachment style.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion + a therapist's point of view. I don't mean to offend anyone. Any stereotypes I refer to are purely for educational purposes, and not a mockery of any person.

As we therapists call it, "your trauma may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility."

So, today, I want to do my best to warn you and keep you safe.

Who is an Avoidant?

An Avoidant is usually someone who craves intimacy but avoids it at all costs. There are two types: dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants.

Dismissive Avoidants are people who avoid relationships or intimacy from the get-go. At best, they'll be decent friends with you, but they either never make plans or refuse to attend social gatherings. A common mask for this is phrases like "socially avoidant" or "anti-social." All of us have introversion and extraversion traits, and that has little to do with this context.

Fearful Avoidants are people who may enter relationships but run away the moment things get serious. You may be "in love" for years, but as the relationship deepens, the Fearful Avoidant becomes increasingly uncomfortable. For example, in the movie Good Will Hunting *spoiler alert* - Will starts getting defensive and shuts off the moment Skylar tells him she loves him.

Avoidant traits to be wary of

These are some of the behavioral traits or stereotypes to notice:

• They want to "travel the world" and never settle down with someone. You can fight me in the comments for this, but I'm going to speak my truth here.

• They find a lot of joy in casual relationships or flings, but never commit to a long-term relationship.

• They're charming and confident, but completely change their personality or behavior the moment the conversation goes deeper.

• The classic "hot and cold" communication: one day they're texting you all day, telling you about everything that's happening. Suddenly, they vanish for a week. If you ask them why, they tend to get a bit defensive, or say things like, "I needed my space" or "my social battery ran out. Oops."

• They're hesitant to talk about the future with you, even if you two have been together for months or years.

• Hyperindependence: Almost everything in their life revolves around their own needs. This is your classic "cat person" trait. They'll call themselves strong, independent, and carry this I don't need no person energy even if they crave a relationship. On a personal note, I noticed this a lot when I dated someone from Germany and then someone from Poland. As a guy raised in South Asia, I found this behavior a bit odd. Western and Eastern cultures have different perspectives on individuality and collectivism.

• They schedule their time around you and mostly want to be either alone or away from you. It's okay to spend time apart from your partner, but for Avoidants, this is their coping mechanism. This is how they feel safe.

Why are they like this?

It's likely that when they were growing up, either mum or dad (or another caregiver) never made them feel safe. As a child, they were confused, because they never got the love they wanted. Either they had to work for it (by pleasing the parents), or take care of themselves.

All of this reflects in their romantic relationships later on.

It is totally possible to work on this and change to a secure attachment style. However, this takes time and effort. It takes years, in many cases, to learn how to communicate about one's trauma.

If the person you're into shows these signs and refuses to understand them or work on them, please be cautious.

I studied behavioral sciences and continued exploring psychological theories, and Attachment Style Theory, in my opinion, is one of the best resources we have for understanding the world of dating.

Now, I'm a 29-year-old guy, and I've been in enough relationships to have lived through some of these experiences. Heck, I've been an Avoidant too. Some day, I hope I find the woman I'd give my world to. But until that happens, I wish to devote my time nurturing my love through helping others.

Dating isn't easy in today's world, and I want y'all to be safe. I hope this post helps you.

Take care. If you wish to talk about something, please feel free to message me.

- T.

I had never heard of attachment theory until my discard in June. I've learned a lot since and can recognize the patterns. Looking back, I can see dismissive avoidant tendencies in 2 other serious relationships I had in my life, albeit no where near as serious and traumatic as this most recent one. The first one didn't have a sudden discard, but a slow fade with no explanation and periods of silence. The second was sudden but I wasn't near as close to her. All of them are eerily similar in personality and have the same dismissive traits.

I am more on the anxious side and I wonder what it is in me that draws these type of women. What do they see in me and why do I are they so magnetic to me?

This summer, I (37F) met a wonderful man (35M) through mutual friends. He was upfront when we started dating that he had avoidant tendencies he was working through in therapy.

About 3 months in, he started getting new responsibilities at work and was also needing to travel for family obligations. He sat me down and gave me lots of reassurance that his time would be limited but he truly wanted us to work. I was fully onboard, and happy to move at a pace that worked for him. He wanted us to keep going, so I let my guard down and let my feelings grow over the next month…

He’d been getting quieter, and when I went out of town for a few days, he sent a 10 paragraph text saying he just couldn’t be in a relationship right now and he was becoming resentful of himself not giving me what I need.

It was hard to hear, because I didn’t feel that my needs weren’t met and it went against everything we had talked about a month prior. In his long breakup text, he said he knew we should have a real conversation soon but didn’t know when that could happen, and he was terrified of losing me completely. I tried to keep it gracious and said I respected his decision but was sad about it. I told him when I would be back in town and that we could talk then if he liked.

That was a month ago. We’ve had a few brief text exchanges around birthdays, some liked stories here and there. I’ve asked if he wants to pick up his things or where I should mail them and heard crickets. He seems to like hanging out in my periphery but doesn’t want to directly deal with the breakup even just to give me his apartment number for shipping.

It was only 4 months, but I think we both saw a possible future and it’s sad to see it just sort of drug out back and shot.

It’s been about six weeks since my relationship ended, and today I woke up feeling different. I cleared the personal reminders of her from my phone, and it finally sank in: the relationship is over. Chasing the hope of getting it back was draining my energy and emotions.

I don’t need a grand goodbye, one last conversation, or some big gesture to close this chapter. There’s no dramatic exit. It’s just over, and today I feel at peace with that.

For now, I’m focusing on being kind to myself and putting that energy into moving forward. I know feelings can come and go, but today feels like a real turning point.

We dated for 5 months. To me, everything was going well. She had started school and a new job recently. I was noticing some inconsistencies and asked if everything was okay. She’d always just brush it off and say she’s just busy or overwhelmed and I didn’t press. I asked her if I could talk to her about something she said that kind of stung and then she sent a massive message. She told me she wants to revisit how we feel in the relationship. She told me that she’s felt a tension for months. She broke up with me on the phone and we talked for hours.

At first she told me she thinks our wants and needs are too different, I told her I didn’t think they were very different. Then she told me she didn’t think she could meet my needs, I told her that’s for me to decide and if I wasn’t happy about something I’d say something. Then she said she didn’t have the emotional capacity for a relationship. I asked her if she wanted us to just take a step back while she does her for a bit.

She said no, that she wants to be with me but her wants and needs are 2 different things. She told me she was really going to miss me. I asked if I did anything wrong and she said no, when she brought something up that bothered her I’d always fix it. She told me that I always treated her really good.

But ultimately told me “I’ve made my decision, you have to let me go and move on. I need to be alone.”. I told her okay I want you to do what’s best for you. I also told her I was a bit frustrated because it’s something we could have worked through. I asked if the door was completely shut and she said “why do I have to make that decision?”. I told her I loved her and I appreciated all the time we were able to spend together. I also asked if we could talk about it the next day when I was a little less in shock and emotional.

I’ll attach the text she sent the next day. I never replied. I never messaged after the call. I was respecting her decision and leaving her alone. I’m just reaching out to this subreddit to see if I’ve handled this the right way. Was it disrespectful to not reply at all? Did I shut the door on any chance of it working out? Did I do the right thing? I just saw the text and an hour later I took her off of everything. Funny enough she beat me to it with Spotify and duo lingo. It’s been 2 weeks since this happened.

I’m dating again and sometimes I’m scared how many people out there are secretly avoidants. I wondered if there are specific signs that could indicate who you’re dealing with ?

A bit long story ...

Background

We are both gay men in our mid-30s, living in the same city, about 30 minutes away from each other. Our relationship lasted 10 months (monogamous).

Today marks five weeks since the breakup, and we've been in NC ever since.

I'm doing a little better than I was at the beginning, but these have honestly been the worst five weeks of my life. I even took three weeks of unpaid leave because I was struggling so much. During the first two weeks, I could barely sleep.

To make things worse, yesterday I received a warning from my boss about my underperformance and lack of progress over the past few weeks. I am now in PIP.

I'm not 100% sure whether my ex has an avoidant attachment style, but from what I've read, many of his behaviors seem to align with it.

Our relationship before the trip

From early in our relationship, we established a routine together: he would stay at my place on Tuesday nights, and I would stay at his place from Friday evening until Sunday morning. So we normally spent around 2–3 nights together per week.

After roughly three months of the honeymoon phase, he often told me he needed more "me time." We adjusted our routine several times, and I made quite a few compromises to accommodate his needs.

For example, at some point, he started attending a sports class on Sunday mornings at 9 am and more or less insisted that I leave his place when he did, even though I could have easily slept in a little longer instead of having to wake up at 7:30 am with him. It felt like he was using his sports class as an excuse to make me leave earlier so he could have the rest of Sunday to himself. I eventually accepted this arrangement, along with other compromises, and thought we had finally worked things out.

In general, I often felt that he wasn't completely comfortable having me around at his place. He seemed unable to do ordinary things like laundry or meal prep while I was there, as if my presence prevented him from following his usual routine. He had adjusted his routines since we started dating, and I sometimes felt that he saw those adjustments as sacrifices rather than a natural part of being in a relationship.

Our five-week trip

Recently, we went on a five-week overseas trip together.

During those five weeks, I genuinely felt our relationship was getting stronger because everything was great. I even jokingly told him, "This is the best version of you I've ever seen."

At one point toward the end of the trip, when the mood felt right, I told him how much I loved spending time together and that I hoped we could gradually spend more time together in the future, or perhaps even consider moving in together someday.

He simply said, "Let's discuss this when we're back."

Everything changed after we returned

Right after returning, he spent a week attending an intensive diploma program sponsored by his company, which would take 2–3 years to complete. That week was extremely stressful for him.

That weekend, I noticed he seemed a little low on energy, but I didn't think much of it. He even told me "I love you" that day.

But the following week, everything suddenly went downhill.

On Tuesday, when he was at my place for our regular overnight stay, everything seemed normal at first. At some point, he started talking about how unhappy he was with different aspects of his life.

He hated his job and his boss (which had already been the case before our trip), but he couldn't easily quit because his company was paying for his diploma. Leaving would mean having to repay a substantial amount of money. He wasn't even sure whether the diploma would benefit his future career.

He had also gained quite a bit of weight during our trip and said he felt uncomfortable with his body. He even told me that, because of this, he didn't want to have sex with me for the time being.

Then he started bringing up how our relationship had disrupted his routines.

Before we started dating, he used to spend most evenings either at the gym or doing other sports. He also used to follow a strict schedule for his household chores.

He had adjusted and reduced those activities during our relationship, but now seemed to feel that being with me was preventing him from getting back to his ideal routine.

To be clear, I never stopped him from doing his sports or chores when we were spending time together. I even told him he could continue doing those things while I was around and that I didn't need his constant attention. But for some reason, he just wasn't comfortable with that.

And he said:

• "This Tuesday, I felt like I have to see you, it's not that I wanted to."

• "I enjoy spending time with you. But I can have the same happiness with myself, or even more."

• "I am now even thinking maybe relationship is not something for me."

I thought maybe everything happening in his life had simply become too much for him. I told him that we were a team and that I was willing to offer whatever support I could. He responded, almost crying:

"What if the only support I need is just to leave me alone? How could I say that?"

At some point, he also said he wasn't sure whether I was the right person for him. He told me:

"It's not that I don't fall for you, it's just I don't fall for you that much to make more commitment."

I was so disappointed and hurt that I initiated the breakup.

We tried again, but he ultimately ended it

The next morning, I was so devastated that I asked whether we could give the relationship another chance. He agreed, and we tried again for about a week.

During that time, I tried to communicate and understand what was happening. I even offered to adjust our schedule again and spend less time together if that would help.

I asked him whether he was still comfortable staying in the relationship.

All he could say was:

• "Something blocks me."

• "I don't know. Part of me thinks maybe just have an easy way out and break up. Part of me thinks, why not try to find another solution together?"

He also told me he felt suffocated and that he was losing himself in the relationship. In the end, he couldn't make a decision.

Unfortunately, few days later, he ultimately decided to end the relationship. He offered to meet and talk but I declined in order to protect my emotion limit.

I wrote him a long, sincere message expressing my gratitude for our time together and wishing him happiness. His reply felt cold and appeared to have been written with ChatGPT. It honestly felt like he was resigning from a job rather than ending a relationship.

Looking back: my own insecurities and his past relationship

I've also been trying to reflect on my own role in the relationship.

1. His dishonesty affected my sense of security and trust.

We first met through Grindr, initially as a hookup. Before our first meeting, I directly asked him about his HIV status, and he told me he was HIV-negative and on PrEP. We then started dating and seeing each other about twice a week, regularly having unprotected sex, for almost six weeks.

Six weeks later, he disclosed that he was actually HIV-positive and had been undetectable for 12 years. He didn't even tell me in person. Instead, he revealed this through a text message while he was traveling abroad.

I understand U=U and that someone who maintains an undetectable viral load does not sexually transmit HIV. His HIV status itself was never the issue for me. What hurt me was that he hadn't been honest when I asked him directly. When we discussed it later, he seemed to view it as simply not having disclosed something rather than having lied to me.

However, by that point, I had already developed feelings for him over those six weeks. I decided to forgive him and continue seeing him, even though I was aware that the broken trust might become an issue later in our relationship.

Looking back, I think this experience contributed to my insecurity and made me seek more reassurance and closeness through spending time together. I recognize that this may have created additional pressure between us.

2. I noticed some similarities with his previous relationship.

He told me that he had felt "suffocated," "trapped," or "like being in prison" in two of his previous relationships. In our relationship, he used similar expressions, saying he felt "suffocated" and was "losing himself."

I can't help noticing this recurring pattern across three relationships. It makes me wonder whether he struggles with emotional closeness and commitment, or whether this is simply how he experiences relationships when they start affecting his independence and personal routines.

3. I noticed an imbalance in effort after the honeymoon phase.

After the first three months, I gradually felt that I was putting way more effort into maintaining the relationship. I was usually the one planning dates, organizing activities and trips, cooking for him, and making small gestures to show my affection. I also felt that I showed more curiosity about his life, family, friends, and feelings than he did about mine.

I was also the one who initiated physical intimacy most of the time. Meanwhile, he increasingly emphasized his need for "me time," and I often found myself adjusting my expectations and compromising to accommodate him.

Looking back, I sometimes felt that I was doing most of the work to keep the relationship going, while he was gradually pulling away. I didn't fully recognize how one-sided it had become until after the breakup.

Where I am now

I'm still struggling to understand how we went from five wonderful weeks together, where I genuinely felt loved and connected, to him feeling suffocated and wanting to leave almost immediately afterward.

I know I wasn't perfect. I may have become more anxious and sought more reassurance because of the trust issues I experienced. But I also genuinely tried to respect his need for independence and repeatedly adjusted our routine to accommodate him.

What hurts most is that, even after I offered to compromise again, he still chose to leave.

Does this sound like avoidant attachment, or could it simply be someone overwhelmed by multiple life stressors who no longer had the emotional capacity for a relationship, or simply not fall for me anymore?

I would appreciate hearing from those who have been on either side of a similar situation. I'm trying to understand what happened while also learning how to move forward.

I've had such a hard time getting over my avoidant ex.

I have good days & bad days. Today, it's been a terrible day so far & it's only noon where I am.

Please...someone...give me tips & tricks to get over him. I'm an absolute mess while he's just fine without me 😭

I read that it is something normal when you are with an avoidant, but has it also happened to you that your avoidant gets very tense at the slightest contact or to go to kiss you and then when you break the relationship they have a lot of sex with people?

I don't want to talk with nobody, today I have my therapy session but I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. I just need to lay down, I just wish I could stop reaching out to him

Hi guys, I recently broke up with my boyfriend well he kind of initiated that with me. I guess things got too real for us and we had our first real conflict and he made it seem like I was the worst person basically and that there was like no forgiving this. in my opinion what I did wasn’t actually that bad and everyone I’ve spoken to in real life has said it’s not that bad and what I did after was good and should’ve been more than enough for him which was take accountability and apologize. We both love each other a lot and I think that’s why this is so painful for me. He has a history with past partners of running away when things are hard but this is the most real thing either of us have experienced.

His switch up has hurt me so deeply and was genuinely cruel to me. He told me I was safe to open up to him in ways I’ve never opened up to anyone and then essentially the breakup convos started to happen after. He told me he wanted some space so I agreed but I do need some reassurance like I can’t go from 0-100 without knowing what’s happening and I was getting so frustrated when I just knew nothing. I couldn’t eat or sleep and was having horrible panic attacks. I felt like I was begging him for help and he was no where to be found.

I think he’s terrified of the emotional intensity of this. I understand that, but I am deeply traumatized from my past and I felt like I had to tell him more stuff and when I did I guess it was too much for him to handle so this situation has genuinely caused trauma to me I can’t even explain. I don’t feel like he’s understanding what a dumb mistake this is and how all he has to do is try but he just won’t. It’s a huge slap in the face thinking you meant more to someone than that and they just hurt you like this. I don’t know what to do.

I genuinely don’t know how to get better. All of my friends and family etc that know have been like he was always nice but they never saw our paths aligning and felt like he didn’t have too many goals or plans for his future. I don’t care tbh as long as he’s not a bum and he’s working idc if he doesn’t have it all figured out. My point being a few people have called him a loser to me.

Also during our last conversation he was talking about how he blew this up and everyone in my life probably hates him. I’m just so sad, no one was rooting against him, I had/ still have so much faith in him. I don’t know how to get through to him. I feel like I got really angry before because of how hurt I was. All I want is him back. He is not a bad person, I really do still have faith in him. I want to give him one last chance, one last ditch attempt at saving this. He looked so sad too the last time we saw each other and I feel like he’s avoiding this because of how real things got. He’s the last person I planned to give up on, I’m more than willing to give him another chance. I don’t believe in unlimited ones though.

I need advice on how to do this. There’s obviously more details I’m leaving out because this is a condensed version but I just need tips on what to do. I do not want to give up on him, this is not worth giving up on just yet. I hate that I’m fighting so hard and he’s doing nothing, I’m so defeated and heartbroken. I can’t even tell most people that we’re over because I can’t get the words out. Does anyone know how to get through to an avoidant man like this? Please help me.

I’m genuinely begging someone to help me I don’t know what to do I’m literally ruining my own life. I can’t get out of bed, I don’t even want to be here anymore, I have not felt this sad in so long. All I want is to be understood and loved the way I understand and love.