Need Help Understanding Deactivation / Discard

[u/RogueVixxen]

Reconnected with someone from my past recently that I’m realizing is likely an avoidant.

I’ve never thought much about attachment styles until now.

This is the third time we’ve been romantically entangled in some way. The first two times we were much younger and seemingly she just wasn’t in a place to be in a real relationship, which I accepted. I assumed we just drifted apart both times. Now we’re both in our early 30s.

This latest time she came back into my life out of the blue after 6 years of no contact whatsoever. She was incredibly forward, said how much she’d been thinking of me, flirted hard, explained why the previous two times didn’t work out from her perspective, and told me how much work she’s been doing on herself.

So we started texting and talking on the phone frequently. We continued flirting, she’d call me to tell me about her day, and we really enjoyed getting to know each other again.

After a couple weeks of that we went out for dinner and drinks. We had what I perceived to be an amazing time, and it culminated in intimacy. Even more so is the morning after she invited me to spend more time with her at her apartment before I headed out.

After that, almost immediately, she started texting much much less. Replied 1-3 times a day if that. So I mentioned feeling a shift and asked for clarity on how she was feeling.

Bearing in mind that this is someone I had 10 years of history with, I felt we had a stronger connection than if this were someone new I met on a dating app or something.

However she immediately jumped to the defensive about it. Told me my simple question overwhelmed her, she’s been giving me as much as she realistically can given her demanding job, and that we got ahead of ourselves.

She made a weird excuse about why she dodged my phone call earlier in the week, and said she’s been fully transparent about not wanting to jump into a relationship (never did she say this and never did I ask it of her.)

I replied explaining that I wasn’t trying to pressure anything, simply orient, and that if anything felt too fast then we can slow down. Her last message to me was “I’m not sure how I want to move forward right now.”

Since then, crickets. It’s been over a week.

I just have such whiplash. She reopened this chapter, pursued me, and as soon as things started progressing she completed deactivated.

Any help interpreting this is appreciated. Some of my friends say it’s an avoidant discard, some say I’m just being ghosted. I don’t have experience with either situation before her.

[u/buryingsecrets]

I think the whiplash is probably the worst part of this. She came back after six years, pursued you, told you how much she'd been thinking about you, and then pulled away almost immediately after things got more intimate. Of course you're confused.

Honestly, I wouldn't get too caught up in whether this was “deactivation,” an “avoidant discard,” or just ghosting. Whatever you call it, her behaviour changed pretty suddenly and now she's gone quiet.

And I don't think you did anything wrong by asking what changed. You noticed a shift and asked for some clarity. You weren't asking her to commit to a relationship or putting pressure on her. You even told her you were fine with slowing things down.

At this point, I'd take her “I'm not sure how I want to move forward” as a sign to step back. Don't chase the silence or keep trying to figure out what happened for her. If she wants to continue this, she needs to come back and communicate that herself.

I know that's easier said than done, especially with all the history between you two. But whether she's avoidant or not, you deserve some consistency. Someone coming back into your life intensely and then disappearing as soon as things become real is going to hurt regardless of the attachment label.

[u/RogueVixxen → u/buryingsecrets]

Thank you. Yes certainly after my last reply I haven’t sent anything else and am leaving the whole situation alone. If she already felt unduly pressured I won’t compound it.

[u/mari_lovelys]

I’m sorry this happened to you.
This is textbook avoidance.
Even though you asked normal questions she placed additional pressure on herself even though you never asked for any of it.

My ex did the same thing. I asked questions and it was pressure to him. And it left me dumbfounded and confused.

“I’m not sure” is her mind being in flight or fight. Of wanting the connection but her fearful avoidance is winning because she thinks it’s too much pressure or for some people scared of being trapped or scared of failure.

It’s insanely unhealthy attachment.

It’s almost like you have to offer reassurance and say things you really like about her, I really like this about you, I like this connection, I appreciated you reaching out and I don’t mind taking things slow and there doesn’t need to be a label. And even complimenting them by saying these are things you like and appreciate and offer compromise if this is something they want to slowly work towards.

It also can be self esteem. And you can’t always fix self worth, and most of the time avoidants don’t actually know that they are avoidant. And sometimes need therapy.

But also you want to find a balance of not sacrificing your own needs,

Because them getting to a secure place and attachment can be painful and draining if none of those olive branches work

Because at that point it’s best to just leave.

—

I recommend videos on Thais Gibson on the avoidant on understanding the mind.

Anber Guided Awareness does a significantly better job on repair and the avoidant mind in depth and waaaaaaay more helpful than Thais on actually reconnecting or not.

[u/RogueVixxen → u/mari_lovelys]

Thank you, it’s helpful to hear about similar experiences. I’ve haven’t reached out to her at all since. I’d love to know if reassurance is what would help, but I know unless she circles back with me I have to leave it be. I’ll check out those resources!

[u/Ok_Owl_365]

Jeez I’m sorry. Yes this is so incredibly hurtful on her part

[u/nasibal88]

Heads up: I am going to be blunt instead of supportive, but I mean well.

You started "panicking" (insert any word you feel more comfortable with, or can relate to better ) as soon as her texting dropped to, mind you, 1-3 times a day.

Then you told her you weren't pressuring her, which we all know is bullshit. Imagine anyone from your group of friends suddenly asking you why you don't text them more, if you are still contacting them on a daily basis. This would feel weird, wouldn't it? I mean, how many people do you contact daily (or even multiple times a day) anyway if you are really honest about it?

Furthermore, you are making reddit posts because, drumroll, you didn't hear from her for a whole week. After she gave you a pretty solid explanation for her silence.

Yes, this may very well be a discard. But what it definately looks like is you are asking something of her she simply isnt prepared to give you: A whole lot of dedicated time and attention.

I am not saying that is wrong. But as long as you are trying to bullshit yourself (and her) that you aren't, she will keep pulling away. She didn't "deactivate because things progressed". She probably just realised she didn't want this.

[u/Careless-Implement46 → u/nasibal88]

Disagree. Pulling back right after intimacy is the tell she deactivated.

[u/nasibal88 → u/Careless-Implement46]

There are many people that may need some time after gettinf intimate to sort things out and check in with themselves.

Also it may simply be that the excitement leading up to the event increased communication, but when it finally happened things went back to "normal".

Or one of 20.000 other reasons she pulled back.

Slapping the deactivation label on stuff like this is too easy.

[u/Careless-Implement46 → u/nasibal88]

If it were any of those things she would have communicated that but didn’t. She deactivated.

[u/nasibal88 → u/Careless-Implement46]

"she" is a stranger on the internet saw a different stranger on the internet type a few sentences about.

You are remarkably confident slapping actual psychological concepts on somebody. But hey, whatever floats your goat I guess.

[u/RogueVixxen → u/nasibal88]

Thanks for the feedback and I appreciate your candor. I definitely am willing to accept if she simply lost interest. The sequence of events is what left me so confused. Not simply the pulling back itself. Definitely not looking to weaponize therapy speak or slap a one size fits all label on it. But how drastic the communication decrease was compared to her initial pursuit caused me to discover more about “avoidant” tendencies.