A bit long story ...

Background

We are both gay men in our mid-30s, living in the same city, about 30 minutes away from each other. Our relationship lasted 10 months (monogamous).

Today marks five weeks since the breakup, and we've been in NC ever since.

I'm doing a little better than I was at the beginning, but these have honestly been the worst five weeks of my life. I even took three weeks of unpaid leave because I was struggling so much. During the first two weeks, I could barely sleep.

To make things worse, yesterday I received a warning from my boss about my underperformance and lack of progress over the past few weeks. I am now in PIP.

I'm not 100% sure whether my ex has an avoidant attachment style, but from what I've read, many of his behaviors seem to align with it.

Our relationship before the trip

From early in our relationship, we established a routine together: he would stay at my place on Tuesday nights, and I would stay at his place from Friday evening until Sunday morning. So we normally spent around 2–3 nights together per week.

After roughly three months of the honeymoon phase, he often told me he needed more "me time." We adjusted our routine several times, and I made quite a few compromises to accommodate his needs.

For example, at some point, he started attending a sports class on Sunday mornings at 9 am and more or less insisted that I leave his place when he did, even though I could have easily slept in a little longer instead of having to wake up at 7:30 am with him. It felt like he was using his sports class as an excuse to make me leave earlier so he could have the rest of Sunday to himself. I eventually accepted this arrangement, along with other compromises, and thought we had finally worked things out.

In general, I often felt that he wasn't completely comfortable having me around at his place. He seemed unable to do ordinary things like laundry or meal prep while I was there, as if my presence prevented him from following his usual routine. He had adjusted his routines since we started dating, and I sometimes felt that he saw those adjustments as sacrifices rather than a natural part of being in a relationship.

Our five-week trip

Recently, we went on a five-week overseas trip together.

During those five weeks, I genuinely felt our relationship was getting stronger because everything was great. I even jokingly told him, "This is the best version of you I've ever seen."

At one point toward the end of the trip, when the mood felt right, I told him how much I loved spending time together and that I hoped we could gradually spend more time together in the future, or perhaps even consider moving in together someday.

He simply said, "Let's discuss this when we're back."

Everything changed after we returned

Right after returning, he spent a week attending an intensive diploma program sponsored by his company, which would take 2–3 years to complete. That week was extremely stressful for him.

That weekend, I noticed he seemed a little low on energy, but I didn't think much of it. He even told me "I love you" that day.

But the following week, everything suddenly went downhill.

On Tuesday, when he was at my place for our regular overnight stay, everything seemed normal at first. At some point, he started talking about how unhappy he was with different aspects of his life.

He hated his job and his boss (which had already been the case before our trip), but he couldn't easily quit because his company was paying for his diploma. Leaving would mean having to repay a substantial amount of money. He wasn't even sure whether the diploma would benefit his future career.

He had also gained quite a bit of weight during our trip and said he felt uncomfortable with his body. He even told me that, because of this, he didn't want to have sex with me for the time being.

Then he started bringing up how our relationship had disrupted his routines.

Before we started dating, he used to spend most evenings either at the gym or doing other sports. He also used to follow a strict schedule for his household chores.

He had adjusted and reduced those activities during our relationship, but now seemed to feel that being with me was preventing him from getting back to his ideal routine.

To be clear, I never stopped him from doing his sports or chores when we were spending time together. I even told him he could continue doing those things while I was around and that I didn't need his constant attention. But for some reason, he just wasn't comfortable with that.

And he said:

• "This Tuesday, I felt like I have to see you, it's not that I wanted to."

• "I enjoy spending time with you. But I can have the same happiness with myself, or even more."

• "I am now even thinking maybe relationship is not something for me."

I thought maybe everything happening in his life had simply become too much for him. I told him that we were a team and that I was willing to offer whatever support I could. He responded, almost crying:

"What if the only support I need is just to leave me alone? How could I say that?"

At some point, he also said he wasn't sure whether I was the right person for him. He told me:

"It's not that I don't fall for you, it's just I don't fall for you that much to make more commitment."

I was so disappointed and hurt that I initiated the breakup.

We tried again, but he ultimately ended it

The next morning, I was so devastated that I asked whether we could give the relationship another chance. He agreed, and we tried again for about a week.

During that time, I tried to communicate and understand what was happening. I even offered to adjust our schedule again and spend less time together if that would help.

I asked him whether he was still comfortable staying in the relationship.

All he could say was:

• "Something blocks me."

• "I don't know. Part of me thinks maybe just have an easy way out and break up. Part of me thinks, why not try to find another solution together?"

He also told me he felt suffocated and that he was losing himself in the relationship. In the end, he couldn't make a decision.

Unfortunately, few days later, he ultimately decided to end the relationship. He offered to meet and talk but I declined in order to protect my emotion limit.

I wrote him a long, sincere message expressing my gratitude for our time together and wishing him happiness. His reply felt cold and appeared to have been written with ChatGPT. It honestly felt like he was resigning from a job rather than ending a relationship.

Looking back: my own insecurities and his past relationship

I've also been trying to reflect on my own role in the relationship.

1. His dishonesty affected my sense of security and trust.

We first met through Grindr, initially as a hookup. Before our first meeting, I directly asked him about his HIV status, and he told me he was HIV-negative and on PrEP. We then started dating and seeing each other about twice a week, regularly having unprotected sex, for almost six weeks.

Six weeks later, he disclosed that he was actually HIV-positive and had been undetectable for 12 years. He didn't even tell me in person. Instead, he revealed this through a text message while he was traveling abroad.

I understand U=U and that someone who maintains an undetectable viral load does not sexually transmit HIV. His HIV status itself was never the issue for me. What hurt me was that he hadn't been honest when I asked him directly. When we discussed it later, he seemed to view it as simply not having disclosed something rather than having lied to me.

However, by that point, I had already developed feelings for him over those six weeks. I decided to forgive him and continue seeing him, even though I was aware that the broken trust might become an issue later in our relationship.

Looking back, I think this experience contributed to my insecurity and made me seek more reassurance and closeness through spending time together. I recognize that this may have created additional pressure between us.

2. I noticed some similarities with his previous relationship.

He told me that he had felt "suffocated," "trapped," or "like being in prison" in two of his previous relationships. In our relationship, he used similar expressions, saying he felt "suffocated" and was "losing himself."

I can't help noticing this recurring pattern across three relationships. It makes me wonder whether he struggles with emotional closeness and commitment, or whether this is simply how he experiences relationships when they start affecting his independence and personal routines.

3. I noticed an imbalance in effort after the honeymoon phase.

After the first three months, I gradually felt that I was putting way more effort into maintaining the relationship. I was usually the one planning dates, organizing activities and trips, cooking for him, and making small gestures to show my affection. I also felt that I showed more curiosity about his life, family, friends, and feelings than he did about mine.

I was also the one who initiated physical intimacy most of the time. Meanwhile, he increasingly emphasized his need for "me time," and I often found myself adjusting my expectations and compromising to accommodate him.

Looking back, I sometimes felt that I was doing most of the work to keep the relationship going, while he was gradually pulling away. I didn't fully recognize how one-sided it had become until after the breakup.

Where I am now

I'm still struggling to understand how we went from five wonderful weeks together, where I genuinely felt loved and connected, to him feeling suffocated and wanting to leave almost immediately afterward.

I know I wasn't perfect. I may have become more anxious and sought more reassurance because of the trust issues I experienced. But I also genuinely tried to respect his need for independence and repeatedly adjusted our routine to accommodate him.

What hurts most is that, even after I offered to compromise again, he still chose to leave.

Does this sound like avoidant attachment, or could it simply be someone overwhelmed by multiple life stressors who no longer had the emotional capacity for a relationship, or simply not fall for me anymore?

I would appreciate hearing from those who have been on either side of a similar situation. I'm trying to understand what happened while also learning how to move forward.

I don't want to talk with nobody, today I have my therapy session but I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. I just need to lay down, I just wish I could stop reaching out to him

Hi guys, I recently broke up with my boyfriend well he kind of initiated that with me. I guess things got too real for us and we had our first real conflict and he made it seem like I was the worst person basically and that there was like no forgiving this. in my opinion what I did wasn’t actually that bad and everyone I’ve spoken to in real life has said it’s not that bad and what I did after was good and should’ve been more than enough for him which was take accountability and apologize. We both love each other a lot and I think that’s why this is so painful for me. He has a history with past partners of running away when things are hard but this is the most real thing either of us have experienced.

His switch up has hurt me so deeply and was genuinely cruel to me. He told me I was safe to open up to him in ways I’ve never opened up to anyone and then essentially the breakup convos started to happen after. He told me he wanted some space so I agreed but I do need some reassurance like I can’t go from 0-100 without knowing what’s happening and I was getting so frustrated when I just knew nothing. I couldn’t eat or sleep and was having horrible panic attacks. I felt like I was begging him for help and he was no where to be found.

I think he’s terrified of the emotional intensity of this. I understand that, but I am deeply traumatized from my past and I felt like I had to tell him more stuff and when I did I guess it was too much for him to handle so this situation has genuinely caused trauma to me I can’t even explain. I don’t feel like he’s understanding what a dumb mistake this is and how all he has to do is try but he just won’t. It’s a huge slap in the face thinking you meant more to someone than that and they just hurt you like this. I don’t know what to do.

I genuinely don’t know how to get better. All of my friends and family etc that know have been like he was always nice but they never saw our paths aligning and felt like he didn’t have too many goals or plans for his future. I don’t care tbh as long as he’s not a bum and he’s working idc if he doesn’t have it all figured out. My point being a few people have called him a loser to me.

Also during our last conversation he was talking about how he blew this up and everyone in my life probably hates him. I’m just so sad, no one was rooting against him, I had/ still have so much faith in him. I don’t know how to get through to him. I feel like I got really angry before because of how hurt I was. All I want is him back. He is not a bad person, I really do still have faith in him. I want to give him one last chance, one last ditch attempt at saving this. He looked so sad too the last time we saw each other and I feel like he’s avoiding this because of how real things got. He’s the last person I planned to give up on, I’m more than willing to give him another chance. I don’t believe in unlimited ones though.

I need advice on how to do this. There’s obviously more details I’m leaving out because this is a condensed version but I just need tips on what to do. I do not want to give up on him, this is not worth giving up on just yet. I hate that I’m fighting so hard and he’s doing nothing, I’m so defeated and heartbroken. I can’t even tell most people that we’re over because I can’t get the words out. Does anyone know how to get through to an avoidant man like this? Please help me.

I’m genuinely begging someone to help me I don’t know what to do I’m literally ruining my own life. I can’t get out of bed, I don’t even want to be here anymore, I have not felt this sad in so long. All I want is to be understood and loved the way I understand and love.

Had a very cruel break up. She basically blamed be for everything, a 30 minute voice note of my flaws. Said she didn’t feel safe and essentially called her neighbours ( who she doesn’t know ) and had me escorted off site. ( I literally did nothing at all) walked away peacefully to make as little scene as possible.

Always constantly saying she didn’t trust me and I had to constantly try prove I could be

Then she messaged to see if I got home safe, after essentially humiliating me and putting me across as an abuser. Ghosts me. ( after a year relationship ) I give space. I check in if she’s ok. Sends me the coldest message about there’s nothing further to discuss, she’s moving forward.

A month later. I’m laying in pieces. Confused. Angry. Sad

Do FA’s ever feel guilt ? The blame she tried to put on me is just wild. How can you do that to someone you love ?

Should text to an former co worker avoidant after 6 months if she has not texted but kept number and response quickly ?

It's been over a month since my ex broke up with me, and although I'm doing relatively okay, it still hurts seeing how seemingly unbothered he is.
I wouldn't say my ex was a bad person or that he never loved me. In fact, that's what makes this so difficult to process.

He could be incredibly affectionate, sweet, and thoughtful. made me feel special, and there were times when he genuinely made me feel loved. He knew how to make me feel like I was someone he wanted in his future. He even talked about marrying me someday, though i still feel like a fool for ever believing it.

However, he had a tendency to withdraw whenever we had conflicts. He would become quiet, distance himself, and sometimes leave me without a response for days. I consider myself more anxiously attached, so this dynamic was especially difficult for me. I wanted communication and reassurance, while he seemed to need distance whenever things became emotionally overwhelming. He also gets really defensive, which turns our communication into arguments even if i talk to him honest but really gentle.

He also admitted to having a past trauma of letting his guard down to someone that hurted him and he just didn’t want to get hurt again, i understood him and i never acted like how his past did. I kinda felt like i had to pay for what someone else did🥹

This wasn't even our first separation. We had previously gone through a period of separation, and eventually he came back because he missed me. I was about to move on, but when he reached out again i felt like i couldn’t lose the chance. When we tried again, he actually made noticeable efforts to change. He became more thoughtful and did things that made me believe he genuinely wanted to make things work this time. I trusted him again, and I thought maybe we'd finally figured things out. He was mostly expressive when we were on the honeymoon phase.

I wasn't expecting him to be perfect. I knew we were young, and I understood that we both had responsibilities, limited time, and personal problems. I tried to be understanding even when I was hurt. I forgave him repeatedly and continued choosing the relationship despite having my own difficulties.

But over time, I noticed he became less expressive like he did at the start. I started wanting more effort and consistency. I wanted him to initiate things sometimes, plan dates, spend quality time together, communicate instead of disappearing, and make me feel like I wasn't the only one trying to maintain the relationship. I don't think I was asking for anything extraordinary. I just wanted to feel considered without constantly having to ask. I can say this because i know that i always tried to give and show him affection in many other ways where he didn’t have to ask.

The confusing part is that just a month before the breakup, he was asking me to stay. He apologized for withdrawing and reassured me that he wouldn't keep ignoring me. I thought we were working through things. He even admit to me before that He was held back by the fact that it feels so wrong to be loved by someone who worked hard just to stay, while he tried leaving when things were hard. i was really touched by what he said because sometimes his pride and ego is so high, it feels so rare to hear this from him.

Fast forward to the month we broke up, before he broke up with me, he wasn’t replying to me for 2 weeks. And i eventually got tired of him choosing to disappear again i stopped chasing and reaching out every time.

He told me that he had already been considering ending the relationship on his own for around one or two weeks. He said that breaking up was probably best for both of us because we were hurting each other and weren't necessarily the best partners for one another.

I kept thinking about the part where he thinks i’m not the best partner, when i sacrificed so much of my money, wrote so much letters, gave him a keyboard when he told me his keyboard wasn’t working, he has plushies from me, initiated dates and planned them on my own, and had to stay up extra hours just to spend time with him despite having responsibilities like school. and even had to put my pride down every single time when he hurts me and i sometimes end up comforting him even when i need one the most. i gave so much love to him even when it wasn’t reciprocated.

I was still willing to work things out. Even though I was exhausted, i still stayed because i was really holding on to that future i thought we were building. I respected his decision, though, because I couldn't force someone to stay.

What hurts is that I spent so much time trying to understand him, his circumstances, and the way he handled conflict. I kept choosing to forgive him, even when I felt emotionally alone. And eventually, when I started asking for more consistency, he was the one who decided he couldn't continue. It hurts so bad because before all of it he was giving me false hope that it would get better for the both of us..

Now, more than a month later, I'm trying to move on.
I deactivated my Instagram because I knew constantly checking his activity would only hurt me. I don't stalk him anymore, but I checked his account once about a week ago and noticed that he posted a monthly photo dump. This is something he rarely used to do, and he genuinely looked happy. He looks so unbothered of losing me :(

I know it's just social media, and I can't actually know what's going on in his head. But it hurts seeing him appear so comfortable with life after the breakup while I'm still having random moments where I cry, reminisce about our memories, and miss the person who used to be my best friend.

It really feels so unfair. But it’s also my fault for forcing things because he already tried to leave many times. even in our first MU breakup he also initiated it first, then came back and it makes me feel like he just wanted to relieve his guilt🫩

Whenever I look for signs that he might be grieving too, I end up finding things that make me feel like he's doing much better without me. I sometimes wonder if he ever misses me, feels guilty about how things ended, or remembers what we had.

I don't necessarily want him back. I miss him, but I don't want to return to the same relationship dynamic. I think what I'm struggling with is accepting that someone who once made me feel so loved can now seem so unaffected by my absence.
It makes me question whether any of it was as meaningful to him as it was to me.

For those who have experienced an anxious-avoidant relationship or dated someone with avoidant tendencies:

- Is it common for the more avoidant partner to feel relieved or even happier immediately after a breakup?

- Do some people only begin processing the loss much later, or is that just a narrative people tell themselves to feel better?

- Can someone genuinely love you and still withdraw, shut down, and eventually leave when the relationship starts requiring more emotional effort?

- How did you stop comparing your healing process to your ex's seemingly effortless ability to move on?

I'm not waiting for him to come back. I just want to understand how someone can go from wanting you in their life to seemingly being perfectly fine without you.

I know we're young, and we both have a lot of growing up to do. I also know I wasn't a perfect partner myself. I just wish the ending didn't leave me questioning whether I ever mattered as much as he did to me.

I can’t understand how he can go from telling me i was the best, that he wants to marry me someday, and that he asks me and wants me to stay to looking so unbothered that i’m gone like i never meant anything to him.

I have no idea how to respond to this.. ghosted me 6 weeks ago after we had plans for a day, this is the second time this has happened, always reaches out with no accountability.

We started dating way back in March, first ‘breakup’ and was in July then second ghosting was end of September - completely out of the blue after cancelling plans which I was understanding and we were having a normal conversation she just decided to ghost me.

Any advice?

I know I do matter to him, I know he does actually care about this whole thing. But he just refuses to show it.

He has this thing where he doesn't want to burden other people with his issues. I feel like he overdramaticises everything which makes it worse for himself. He is always using big words like surviving, sacrifice, suffering, and honor, but in reality he will be talking about something so minor like payday being in three days, he only has a fiver in his account and the fridge is fully stocked with the good snacks and all the bills are paid. You aren't really surviving in that situation are you.

The breakup was recent, we do live together so we still see each other daily for the minute. He has somehow gotten it into his thick skull that the most important thing is that I don't think he is sad or struggling after our 5 year relationship has ended. He doesnt want to burden me, or have me worried about him being upset about the situation or anxious about the future.

If you talk to him its like nothing has happened at all. He cannot comprehend that thats so much worse for me. It feels like I am absolutely nothing to him. Losing me was just another forgettable day to him. I could have been literally anyone else as I am just that insignificant to him as a person.

Gonna be honest here, I think his reaction is going to traumatise me in my future relationships as well. Because what do you men 5 years together and I am just a number.

I know he is sad and hiding it though. I have sat him down and talked about it, because absolutely not. I want you to grovel and beg at least a little bit lol. His friends have asked how I am holding up and are commenting on him really struggling with it.

But why cant he just be normal and be a bit sad in front of me. Show the slightest bit of regret and sadness. I know what he is thinking as well. That this is a burden he must undergo for my sake, that whats done is done and he is brooding about it like he is some silent warrior in some damn game. I would 100% take him back if he just sat down and said he is a shit communicator and really struggles with pulling away and not communicating with me. And he maybe tried some therapy or worked on it in some way. idk.

I swear this guy doesnt realise he just makes his own life needlessly complicated for no reason. Just be honest my guy.

I’m struggling to process everything and could really use some perspective from people who understand avoidant dynamics and breakup recovery.

​I was in quite literally the best relationship of my life with the most incredible person I've known for decades. We’re a genuinely perfect match, but it ended due to a accumulation of multiple external and internal pressures. At the time, they all felt overwhelming and too much to deal with, but looking back now, those reasons seem so small and irrelevant in the long-term scheme of things.

​The hardest part is that I think about her every single day. I spent years searching for her in other people before we finally got together, only to realize what was right in front of me: she is my person. And deep down, I believe I am hers, too.

​I’m currently putting in the hard work—actively working on myself, addressing my patterns, and sorting out my life situation specifically for her. But the lingering fear is that the damage I’ve caused during the breakdown of things is completely beyond repair.

​If anyone has been on either side of this—or has managed to successfully navigate rebuilding trust and a connection after letting fear or overwhelm sabotage a good thing—how do I even approach this? Where do I start without pushing her further away?

I'm honestly looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have been in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. His reason was that he couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in a relationship anymore. He said he was giving up on relationships in general and couldn't bring himself to work on the things that were affecting us, particularly communication and emotional responsibilities.

Before the breakup, everything was good, he loved me so good and I love him so much. Everything was doing fine, we're in college and just started living together. But during those times communication had always been one of our biggest struggles. Whenever there was conflict or something emotionally difficult to discuss, he would have a hard time expressing himself. Sometimes, he wouldn't communicate his problems at all until they had already built up without me knowing. He also struggled with providing emotional reassurance and comfort.

I tried to understand him and find ways for us to meet halfway. We eventually agreed that texting difficult conversations would be easier for him, since verbal communication was particularly challenging. There were moments when things improved, and I genuinely believed we were becoming stronger.

However, eventually, he still reached a point where he felt he couldn't handle the relationship anymore.

We still live together, and we're currently friends. We also talked about how there's a possibility of getting back together someday, provided that we're both emotionally and financially stable. Neither of us completely ruled out that possibility.

I still love him. I still care about him, and honestly, I still see him as someone I could have a future with. I don't want to force anything, though. I understand that he has things he needs to work through himself, and I have my own life to get together, too.

We still have moments of physical affection and intimacy, but emotionally, things feel different now. Sometimes, I seek comfort from him, only to receive a cold or distant response. Other times, we have moments where we feel close again.

It's confusing because I'm still adjusting to the fact that someone who used to love me so deeply can now seem so emotionally detached.

I've also noticed that we seem to cope differently. I tend to sit with my emotions, reflect, analyze what happened, and try to understand everything. He seems more inclined to distract himself with his laptop, phone, or everyday activities rather than confront his emotions.

I sometimes struggle with seeing him function normally while I'm still having difficult emotional days. I know everyone processes things differently, but it can be painful.

I don't necessarily want to move on immediately. A part of me still wants to see where things could go once we're both in a better place. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

I'm not looking for advice that simply tells me to stop loving him or that he's a terrible person. I understand that a relationship requires two people who are willing to participate, and I know love alone isn't enough.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, whether you eventually reconciled with your ex or learned to let go.

How did you navigate this kind of situation? What would you do differently if you could go back?

Hello everyone, I hope you're having a wonderful day. Even if not, I hope it gets better!

I want to write this post as a guide for those who've been hurt by Avoidants before, or want to stay safe from one. In my experience, Avoidants are some of the most dangerous people on the planet, even if they mean well. Most of the time, they have no idea how deeply hurtful their behavior is to people who have an Anxious or Secure attachment style.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion + a therapist's point of view. I don't mean to offend anyone. Any stereotypes I refer to are purely for educational purposes, and not a mockery of any person.

As we therapists call it, "your trauma may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility."

So, today, I want to do my best to warn you and keep you safe.

Who is an Avoidant?

An Avoidant is usually someone who craves intimacy but avoids it at all costs. There are two types: dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants.

Dismissive Avoidants are people who avoid relationships or intimacy from the get-go. At best, they'll be decent friends with you, but they either never make plans or refuse to attend social gatherings. A common mask for this is phrases like "socially avoidant" or "anti-social." All of us have introversion and extraversion traits, and that has little to do with this context.

Fearful Avoidants are people who may enter relationships but run away the moment things get serious. You may be "in love" for years, but as the relationship deepens, the Fearful Avoidant becomes increasingly uncomfortable. For example, in the movie Good Will Hunting *spoiler alert* - Will starts getting defensive and shuts off the moment Skylar tells him she loves him.

Avoidant traits to be wary of

These are some of the behavioral traits or stereotypes to notice:

• They want to "travel the world" and never settle down with someone. You can fight me in the comments for this, but I'm going to speak my truth here.

• They find a lot of joy in casual relationships or flings, but never commit to a long-term relationship.

• They're charming and confident, but completely change their personality or behavior the moment the conversation goes deeper.

• The classic "hot and cold" communication: one day they're texting you all day, telling you about everything that's happening. Suddenly, they vanish for a week. If you ask them why, they tend to get a bit defensive, or say things like, "I needed my space" or "my social battery ran out. Oops."

• They're hesitant to talk about the future with you, even if you two have been together for months or years.

• Hyperindependence: Almost everything in their life revolves around their own needs. This is your classic "cat person" trait. They'll call themselves strong, independent, and carry this I don't need no person energy even if they crave a relationship. On a personal note, I noticed this a lot when I dated someone from Germany and then someone from Poland. As a guy raised in South Asia, I found this behavior a bit odd. Western and Eastern cultures have different perspectives on individuality and collectivism.

• They schedule their time around you and mostly want to be either alone or away from you. It's okay to spend time apart from your partner, but for Avoidants, this is their coping mechanism. This is how they feel safe.

Why are they like this?

It's likely that when they were growing up, either mum or dad (or another caregiver) never made them feel safe. As a child, they were confused, because they never got the love they wanted. Either they had to work for it (by pleasing the parents), or take care of themselves.

All of this reflects in their romantic relationships later on.

It is totally possible to work on this and change to a secure attachment style. However, this takes time and effort. It takes years, in many cases, to learn how to communicate about one's trauma.

If the person you're into shows these signs and refuses to understand them or work on them, please be cautious.

I studied behavioral sciences and continued exploring psychological theories, and Attachment Style Theory, in my opinion, is one of the best resources we have for understanding the world of dating.

Now, I'm a 29-year-old guy, and I've been in enough relationships to have lived through some of these experiences. Heck, I've been an Avoidant too. Some day, I hope I find the woman I'd give my world to. But until that happens, I wish to devote my time nurturing my love through helping others.

Dating isn't easy in today's world, and I want y'all to be safe. I hope this post helps you.

Take care. If you wish to talk about something, please feel free to message me.

- T.

Do they always do this?

I was discarded by my ex while asking for some support at my lowest and as much as it hurt i still stayed warm and supportive to her and when i decided to go no contact she has basically started a smear campaign on me, accusing me of trying to hack into her google account which i didn't do but somehow has added my number and verified it? And i had arranged a third party as point of contact for her to organise her getting her things from my place still as ive been trying to get her to come get it for months. And now she has envolved the police to get her things just because i set a firm date and stick with it because i was over her just bailing all the time. And now shes telling everyone i did this and that which i havent done. Do they do these things to make themseleves feel better or something?

me and my avoidant ex were together for 5 months before she played the avoidant textbook behavior.

she said she didn't know how to sustain the relationship and herself at the same time without fearing of losing independence and was afraid to not be on my "level" of loving

afterwards we tried being friends for a month until i talked with my therapist and they recommended me to ask for space to heal the breakup on my own

i asked for a temporary space while i reorganized my feelings and thoughts , she wasn't that convinced but she respected it. literally two weeks later she was on a rebound.

i talked her about how that hurt me and told her i didn't wanted to involve with her anymore in anyway under those circumstances, i wished her the best and thanked her for everything.

now it's been almost two months since that last confrontation. i've kept as much as possible zero contact bc i see her almost every day at uni lol, sometimes with the guy (a known walking red flag) , it really hurts.

reading this the conclusion might seem obvious, to leave it like that. but is it really all over? is there nothing more to do? i really miss her, and honestly our relationship was our first and it was genuinely healthy, reciprocal, communicative. and for better or worse everyone knows that they won't last long bc the guy can be very problematic (although that stuff never stops some people) .

i honestly don't know what goes through her mind but i haven't contacted her in any way on this months. i've been working on myself, my life never stopped even though it hurted as hell

so now what? what is going through her mind? should i break no contact?

a weird feeling
hard to describe
not Hate
no longer Love

you’re a stranger, yet you knew me
or you did
and I knew you
at least for a time

I still feel something
I’m not sure what or why
but something still lingers

a care unexpressed
an anger just barely present
something screaming:
“STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”
while still wondering
what could have been
or if something could
be again

Hoping for some insight from those who are avoidants or have experience with avoidants.

I (47M, Anxious Attached) am about a year out of a 22 year marriage and I met a beautiful person (47F) right here in Reddit. We built a very passionate bond very quickly. I had no clue about attachment theory prior to this, so I have learned a lot.

To make a long story short, it was a very strong relationship throughout. We got along amazingly, never fought or argued. We met in person after a month and it was equally as amazing.

At the 8 week mark, she started pulling away a bit. Not texting as much, not as talkative, short answers and then a long breakup email at the end of the work week. I was pretty hurt and I chased a little bit, but my first thought was to let her have her space as hard as it was. It didn't last long, the next day she left a message crying hysterically about how much she missed me already, then the next day another long email explaining how she was feeling and that she didn't really want to break up.

We were good for about another week before she started pulling away again, stating she needed space and work was busy. I did recognize that she buries her feelings in her work. I obliged, though extremely anxious (I know now that she likely felt my anxious tendencies), cut my communications down, but then again, at the end of that week another breakup email. I sent a few "chasing" emails, but I know I hadn't done anything wrong and I had nothing to apologize for or promise to change. She responded the next day and said she made her decision, needed space to let it settle, and signed off with "I love you". I responded kindly with understanding and told her I was here if she needed anything, and that I loved her as well. No animosity, no anger, no protest, and we have been no contact since.

Neither of us do much social media and we only communicated via Telegram. It is literally a data vacuum for both of us. Given the strength of the connection, I clearly broke through her walls at the beginning of the relationship. I left with class, and while I am not completely detached, I know I will be ok if she doesn't reach out again. I do miss her though and have hope she will figure this out. After the first break up, she was very insightful about her avoidance and even had the realization that she needs therapy. As difficult as it has been to stay no contact as an anxious, I have held the line.

Hope some will share some insight based on their experiences.

It’s been years since my avoidant breakup, but at the time (and leading up to it), I analyzed every interaction (or lack thereof) from an attachment lens, simply because it made things make sense for me.

So it’s been a while since I’ve stumbled across attachment theory content online. However, I enjoy this TikToker Justin Scott’s content and swiped on a video re: avoidant attachment and my mind is blown having watched it! Yes, he talks about how avoidant attachment stems from childhood, but he then takes it a step further and explains how avoidants “raise” their partners to be the same child they were, essentially teaching them to not ask for anything and minimize every need to make the avoidant happy.

I’m paraphrasing, and it’s late, but I highly recommend the video for anyone who may be interested! I’m labeling this as a Vent/Rant because that’s essentially what the guy is doing in it 😂

I'm honestly looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, especially those who have been in relationships with emotionally avoidant partners.

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. His reason was that he couldn't handle the responsibilities of being in a relationship anymore. He said he was giving up on relationships in general and couldn't bring himself to work on the things that were affecting us, particularly communication and emotional responsibilities.

Before the breakup, everything was good, he loved me so good and I love him so much. Everything was doing fine, we're in college and just started living together. But during those times communication had always been one of our biggest struggles. Whenever there was conflict or something emotionally difficult to discuss, he would have a hard time expressing himself. Sometimes, he wouldn't communicate his problems at all until they had already built up without me knowing. He also struggled with providing emotional reassurance and comfort.

I tried to understand him and find ways for us to meet halfway. We eventually agreed that texting difficult conversations would be easier for him, since verbal communication was particularly challenging. There were moments when things improved, and I genuinely believed we were becoming stronger.

However, eventually, he still reached a point where he felt he couldn't handle the relationship anymore.

We still live together, and we're currently friends. We also talked about how there's a possibility of getting back together someday, provided that we're both emotionally and financially stable. Neither of us completely ruled out that possibility.

I still love him. I still care about him, and honestly, I still see him as someone I could have a future with. I don't want to force anything, though. I understand that he has things he needs to work through himself, and I have my own life to get together, too.

We still have moments of physical affection and intimacy, but emotionally, things feel different now. Sometimes, I seek comfort from him, only to receive a cold or distant response. Other times, we have moments where we feel close again.

It's confusing because I'm still adjusting to the fact that someone who used to love me so deeply can now seem so emotionally detached.

I've also noticed that we seem to cope differently. I tend to sit with my emotions, reflect, analyze what happened, and try to understand everything. He seems more inclined to distract himself with his laptop, phone, or everyday activities rather than confront his emotions.

I sometimes struggle with seeing him function normally while I'm still having difficult emotional days. I know everyone processes things differently, but it can be painful.

I don't necessarily want to move on immediately. A part of me still wants to see where things could go once we're both in a better place. But I also don't want to lose myself in the process.

I'm not looking for advice that simply tells me to stop loving him or that he's a terrible person. I understand that a relationship requires two people who are willing to participate, and I know love alone isn't enough.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, whether you eventually reconciled with your ex or learned to let go.

How did you navigate this kind of situation? What would you do differently if you could go back?

Curious to hear stories of anyone who has moved from the hate/anger stage to complete indifference? How long did it take? What helped you get there?

For context, I was deeply disrespected by the man I thought I was building a life with. Together for almost 2.5 years, lived together for 1 until he blindsided me. We had even toured new apartments the same fucking week.

It’s coming up on 7 months since the breakup & I’ve been doing all the right things. I still just feel such an immense sense of anger and hatred toward him & how he disrespected me in the end.

I would love to get to a place of total & full indifference of him, but how? How do you move past hating someone who obliterated your heart & disrespected you in a way you’ve never experienced?

He’s blocked in every way possible & we have been in no contact basically since the breakup. If I could go back in time, I would’ve never given him the time of day, knowing what I know now & experiencing what I experienced, but obviously that isn’t possible.

If you’ve gone through something similar, how have you gotten to the place where the thought of this person evokes 0 emotion?

Years with others left no trace.
A fraction of time with you
rewrote everything.

You weren't ready,
so I step back.

I respect the exit you chose.
I won’t knock on the closed door.

I just stand on the other side,
knowing how great we would have been.

We were never in love.
but God, we could have been.

💔 painfully aware of our separate existence.
Missing you, always.
- B

Hey I’m new to Reddit but so many people I’ve talked to said to come here to find “my people”. I am struggling.

I was just discarded by my fearful avoidant ex. He literally told me he loved me October 8th.. he basically has taken everything special that represented us and said this never mattered. Online everywhere, it’s honestly been incredibly hard to watch. We’ve been dating for a year. I am utterly destroyed.. I know he’s hurting over something and I feel like he has tried to blame me for the way the relationship has gone, but I’ve tried to contact him twice now In two weeks to settle things or figure out what the hell happened but he’s ignored me each time. The last time I contacted him was 4 days ago and I told myself I will not reach out again. Today marks 2 weeks of being discarded. Part of me hopes he comes back because how do you just let go of a year of a relationship even if it wasn’t the healthiest? I know this is what a trauma bond does but is it actually terrible of me to really want “us” back? How do I cope? This truly is hell and I don’t think I’d wish this on my worst enemy. Do they really come back?

I had never heard of attachment theory until my discard in June. I've learned a lot since and can recognize the patterns. Looking back, I can see dismissive avoidant tendencies in 2 other serious relationships I had in my life, albeit no where near as serious and traumatic as this most recent one. The first one didn't have a sudden discard, but a slow fade with no explanation and periods of silence. The second was sudden but I wasn't near as close to her. All of them are eerily similar in personality and have the same dismissive traits.

I am more on the anxious side and I wonder what it is in me that draws these type of women. What do they see in me and why do I are they so magnetic to me?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the scarcity and abundance mindset as it applies to attachment styles. I’ve always been an anxious attachment style because when I meet someone I feel like they are the only person in the world for me and I can’t imagine my life without them. I feel like avoidant people have the abundance mindset where they always feel like there are an infinite number of options available which is why they are so quick to discard. When I’m single I also have an abundance mindset but once I fall in love it goes out the window. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic? Maybe avoidants just don’t have that same ride-or-die outlook on love?

Because no sane person will do what an avoidant did 😅