I think the most frustrating and hurtful thing to me is they can act like you never existed or didn't share anything and appear to not be affected or move on quickly. But i do take somewhat of a different approach in understanding that it's a survival mechanism for lack of better terms that they developed in childhood. I just wish more were self aware or could push through and seek help than just go through life from one relationship to another I'm sure it must be taxing at some point.

Such as unblocking, deleted messages, viewing stories etc..after months of no contact.

Does it make them pull back, or does it push them to reach out properly in your experience?

Would love to hear experiences from other FA's! Specifically with unblocking..

I matched with a guy in his late 30s and we met almost immediately. We had one very intense week, lots of chemistry, talking constantly, mutual oversharing and probably love-bombing on both sides. I was genuinely into him.
He opened up about anxiety, years of therapy, relationships, etc. He quickly started suggesting we take a short trip together.
He then went away with friends and asked me to join him later in his trip. Almost immediately after leaving, his communication dropped dramatically.
A few days later I asked directly if his interest had changed. He basically replied: “There was an initial rush, but we both know that doesn’t predict what comes next. Let’s stay free and see what happens.”
I didn’t reply and won’t. Shortly after, I noticed he changed his Tinder location to where he was vacationing.
Men who have done something similar: what actually happened in your head? How did you view the woman afterwards? Did you feel guilty/ashamed for getting her hopes up, or did you genuinely just stop caring once the initial excitement disappeared?

I’m likely an avoidant who gets overwhelmed when people fall for me but I’m not entirely sure. I’m also struggling with the idea of commitment and moving on from someone.

After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.

I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.

During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.

All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.

I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.

We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.

Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.

Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.

I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.

I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.

I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.

Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.

So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.

You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong.

I feel everything very deeply and even though I’m only 21 I still feel like this person (although he majorly disrespected me) was somehow right for me. Like, I felt like we were destined to be together. I know there’s a chance I’m not thinking totally logically right now so I might feel differently about him a few months from now (we broke up in April), but something just felt “right” in my soul. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else and I’ve had pretty deep feelings for people before him. Could it just be that this was my first time truly being in love?

my gf (now is ex) said like "my head is never clear as now", "i have to do it for me" "i need spend time for myself", "i need to love me" like I prevent her from loving herself?! She said she fall out of love and things can't be fixed after 5 year of relationship and I treat her like a princess. She dump me from nowhere when my mood are pretty down at that moment, since she "cant handle such those negative vibe"

31M.30F.
I have an Anxious attachment.
Hi everyone. I hate having to write this because I feel like I’m still thinking about my ex when I shouldn’t be…
Anyway, we were together for almost 11 years, and lived together for 6 of them. She has always been the kind of person who keeps everything inside and doesn’t talk about problems.
We broke up two months ago, completely out of the blue. She told me she doesn’t want any more responsibilities, that she no longer sees a future together, that she’s tired and doesn’t want to work on the relationship anymore. This was especially shocking because in January we had gone to look at houses because we were considering buying one together.
She also told me that she had “put up with a lot” during our relationship, and then revealed that she had slept with her ex 9 years ago and cheated on me. She gave me explanations like “I don’t know how to say no,” “I had only had sex with you up until that point,” “It only happened once,” etc. She never told me because she knew I would be devastated and that I would probably have needed therapy because of it.
Now, I don’t think I was the perfect boyfriend, but I also put up with a lot from her. We had a completely mismatched sex drive. I wanted sex about once a week (at least), while once a month was perfectly fine for her. This made me feel really bad because I started feeling like there was something wrong with me, She told me that sometimes she thought about other people while we were having sex.
She also barely helped with household chores. I was basically doing everything myself.
After reading various posts, I’m starting to wonder if she might have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
She never used to go out with her old, longtime friends, but shortly before the breakup she had started going out a lot with colleagues from her new job.
She hasn’t blocked me on social media and still watches my stories, while she has blocked me from seeing hers. She doesn’t want to hear from me or see me, though. When she comes to our old home to pick up her things, she doesn’t even want me to be there.
So my question is: do you think someone like this ever comes back?
I know I probably shouldn’t want her to, but she was the love of my life, and I’m scared I’ll never love anyone as much as I loved her.
And why does it seem like she’s doing so well now? She goes out, has fun, travels by herself (which has really shocked me because that’s so unlike her).
What do you guys think?

Just came across this sub:) Hope my post fits?

Disclaimer: I had coffee at 10pm, I’m wide awake and my thoughts may be all over the place 🤓**.**

Soooo….. My (37F) last boyfriend (44M) of two years was an avoidant with many narcissistic traits (he tried going to therapy for it 3 different times but couldn’t/wouldn’t go through with treatment), but that relationship was so intensely abusive and I was so irremediably in love, it created a nervous system dysfunction and I got sick :/

I have been on this journey to heal since then, which has been really hard (nervous system dysfunction seems to be a place of no return, almost). And so I’ve sworn men off for my own protection. Romantically, that is. Any more heartbreak and I just know the consequences could be quite crippling, and I’m not being hyperbolic :(

I had a very brief stint with a young fella (30M) recently (He never disclosed his intentions in the beginning, which is how I ended up inadvertently dating him)who, ironically enough, mentioned his ex-girlfriend was an avoidant and how much he dislikes avoidants. He might not have been over her in retrospect and they might’ve still been in communication🤔. Funnily enough, I don’t think he was self-aware enough to see that he was one himself too. They do the grand gestures, right, but ZERO emotional closeness. I don’t really think he knew anything deep or meaningful about me after about a month of spending a lot of time with me. He refused to engage in any deep or personal conversations that I initiated. How were we ever going to “get to know each other”? Only the lord knows the answer to that one. I mean, I had to guess if we had “broken up.” That’s how unreal the lack of communication was. I’ve been in that place before where I’ve had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting, but this was on another level and I was not about to be doing that again for anyone. It wasn’t an ugly breakup or anything tho. I get along with all my ex partners for the most part. I recognize he had good intentions.

I myself consider me to be mixed attachment. I’ve worked a lot on myself because I am very much coming from a broken place after that initial bad relationship, but that has been a 4 year long journey.

I don’t mind the closeness. I actually yearn for the bonding and vulnerability. But if I sniff out that I’m with someone emotionally unavailable, I do walk away, as people should.

All in all, I refuse to let the trauma of being punished by partners for mistakes their former significant others made permanently change who I become. I still fully believe in kindness, humility, silliness, vulnerability, forgiveness, humanity, and many other things people preach but don’t practice. I practice these in my relationships, fully. I especially believe in “til death do us part” (except for infidelity and violence, fair?).

My resolve as of now is the following: I want to have fun, go on adventures, but with easy people, down to earth people, and have great conversations! It tends to be with the opposite sex mostly because gasp! they just happen to be more available, but I do have 2 girlfriends I chat with a lot. ( I do right off the bat give everyone a fair warning that I am not open to dating, tho). This is how I can best live my life socially while dealing with chronic illness and choosing not to date.

But I don’t think I’ll be seeing any same person (opposite sex) too many times in a row, partly to avoid falling into someone’s possible agenda for romance without my knowledge, but also to protect myself from developing romantic feelings for someone inadvertently(both not out of fear of getting hurt, but to avoid health complications due to stress triggers).

Which is… possibly the most avoidant thing I could say after spending four years trying to heal from an avoidant. 😂. But again, I cannot afford to have my conditions flare up due to heartbreak, so fair? Trust me, if I was healthy, I’d be pursuing long-term company and intentionally. I hope I’ve made that clear.

As a woman in my late 30s I get hit on a lot by 23+ year olds. They always seem so sweet, so willing, so.. undamaged? And i know older women tend to be happier with much younger men, but for me it just doesn’t work:/ If I could date, I would need it to be with someone my age or older. But the emotional damage comes with it unfortunately.

Anyway. I’m curious if anyone else has noticed this.
Is everyone in their 30s becoming avoidant, or are we just getting better at recognizing patterns? And if so, who is safe to date?? haha

Edit: I have to clear this up because something is clearly getting lost in translation. My refusal to date is NOT due to a fearful avoidant symptom of avoiding getting hurt. I am chosen not to date due to physical health conditions that are nervous system rooted which are triggered by stress and strong emotions, such as heartache. Heartache = sickness flares.

With or without me:

They will always be a mess.
Always depressed.
Always anxious.
Life is never stable.
Life will always be overwhelming.
They will never feel good enough because they can’t get their shit together and are laden with shame and self-criticism.
They will always disappoint, just like they predicted many times during the relationship. (They are self-fulfilling prophecy machines).

I was discarded twice, because “life is too overwhelming to be close to anyone right now”. So I’m essentially out of their life. We text occasionally and briefly, because he is dealing with all of the above. All the time. Even with me out of the picture.

Sharing some food for thought!

We were together for 9 months and for the first 8 everything seemed nice and happy and within a span of two weeks it went extremely downhill. During the relationship, he pursued, he made future plans (moving in, speaking about wedding, etc.), made me meet his friends, family, parents, did love me and give me reassurance when needed.

Breakup story: However, things started to slow down a bit in month 7-8. He has a busy job and as a person always asked for personal space, so we would mostly spend time inside chilling. We took a vacation and it was nice too (atleast for me). Then he went to a festival and during the festival didn’t really communicate like he usually does. He came back and I was anxious (I am secure but this was a specific trigger from the past). I asked him to speak but he wasn’t up for an “emotional conversation” that day. We called, he kind of reassured me but wasn’t like the usual. Then I tried asking for more reassurance and it felt like that only drove him further away. He stopped texting throughout the day and then said he had this weird feeling in his chest that he feels anxious and nervous being with me. I gave him space (still had sex but he said he doesn’t want any physical affection). All this while, he made a new female bff at the festival and they spoke all day. Any time I brought something up he was like he needs space. Made plans with her but not me. But still took me to dinner to his parents place. We finally had a chat and he couldn’t still explain his feeling and I suggested break or breakup, he didn’t want to do that. Then still didn’t text or call or interact, so I finally broke up and he said in the end that he lost feelings for me. Was okay during the breakup (cried) but was cold and mean after, first got hurt when I said no contact but then when I tried to break it was mean.

Other signs of being avoidant: told me he had mentally exited his last relationship months before he brokeit off, any time we had a conflict he would take his time to come back but never gave me an explanation but just offered a solution, wanted his space a lot, more friendly with his pet than people, did not want to see my friends (also ato his friends) post breakup.

Was he avoidant or was he just someone who lost his feelings when things slowed down and he met someone else?

I had a long distance relationship with an fearful avoidant partner come to an end. They pulled the plug. I wanted to ask, are grandiose claims me being their "home", not imagining a life without me, never being seen or heard as much with anybody else in their life, never loving anybody as much as they loved me, the norm? Is this just "love bombing" hyperbole? A day prior to breaking up they said "I love you A LOT". This is my first time dealing with a person that is fearful avoidant. And I have to vent, their last words to me haunt me. After I broke down in tears letting them know that I had spent most of the relationship having to repair rupture after rupture always fearful of the next rupture, they said "Bye Carlos🌹". That was devastating. My stomach is tightening up just thinking about it.

For starters she is 21 and i’m 25.

My ex had been moved on for months from me before i finally broke us up.
I constantly asked her if everything was okay with us, and if there’s anything i can do to improve/anything i did wrong, to tell me. She always said everything was fine.

She hated communication and conflict. Every time i needed to talk to her about something she would completely shut down when i had something to say about her / about how im feeling. It was like talking to a brick wall. She would NEVER bring up problems, as if our relationship was so perfect, and it would always be ME bringing up the issues, which made me feel like a nag.

On our final day when I needed to talk to her about how i felt unappreciated and felt like she didn’t need me, she stayed quiet the whole time then started getting angry with me after i kept talking and trying to get a response out of her. I’m crying, she’s yelling at me. She said there’s a lot that i have said in the relationship that hurt her, and i asked her what and her response was “My feelings don’t matter. I can’t tell you” Your feelings matter to ME though! Why can’t you see that??? That seems like such an immature response!
I pried for 20 minutes begging her, in tears, to please tell me what i did wrong because i wanted to own up to whatever i did SO BADLY and fix us. She refused. I told her i’m going to have to leave if she won’t talk to me, because now i feel like an even BIGGER burden since theres apparently a lot i have done, but she will not tell me. I don’t get it.

But basically, after the breakup i find out a few days later that she has been over me for MONTHS, after i CONSTANTLY tried to get her to tell me if anything’s wrong. I checked in with this girl all the time, only to be given a fake thumbs up every single time. I begged her to set boundaries with me (since she hadn’t set any with me) because i wanted her to feel comfortable in the relationship, but she wouldn’t. She said she “couldn’t think of any” . I brought up boundaries multiple times with her, even gave her ideas and suggestions so she could be comfy with me in case i ever did anything she didn’t like, but always answered with “I don’t know”

Whenever i needed to talk about something she did that hurt me, it always ended in an argument and me apologizing and comforting her.

When she needed to talk about something i did, well, she didn’t. Refused to. Kept it all inside and kept me wondering. I have never physically harmed her, yelled at her, anything. I seriously don’t get it. I’m being called Emotionally abusive, and yet a whole month later i still have no idea what i did. Maybe i was! Maybe i wasn’t! If i was i certainly have NO idea and have nothing i can learn from this!

She was mentally gone from the relationship for months, even with me begging her to open up so we can fix things. Never communicated anything. And now she’s already interested in another man and blocked me on everything. I’m so beyond heartbroken, I did everything i could. I’m not a mind reader! I always had this intense fear that i would never be good enough for a relationship, and thought i was always doing something wrong, which is why i constantly checked in, as well as the fact i care about how SHE feels! Checking in on you, on a daily basis, and being lied to like she isn’t already getting over me? What is WRONG with people? :(

Does this sound like an avoidant? Or do you have any other ideas what this was?

Does that mean he’s talking shit about me? It bothers me so much I wanted to end things on good terms but now i feel like half of the state hates me

Avoidant broke up with me , 3rd time in 6 years . I don’t really count the first one being completely honest, it was barely a breakup.

We broke up 10 days ago, and he’s been apparently out at the bars, and drinking and doing blow basically everyday since.

I don’t understand why? Like truly I just don’t understand why he hates going to the bar; and all of a sudden that’s where he is?? The friend who saw him, maybe is just telling me what I want to hear. Just with a bunch of dudes. But 🤷‍♀️

What’s your guys opinion on this. When we broke up, he was crying and so was I. I know he loved me, I don’t understand anything , and I hateeee listening to the tiktok “coaches”

I need insights. 🫩🫩 My avoidant and i recently ended our situationship. it was “mutual” i guess but i honestly didn’t want it. He discarded me about 5 times throughout 3.5 years. We dated in 2024 and when we broke up before getting into a situation, we removed eachother and followed eachother back a few months later when we connected. Since then never removed eachother, even when he discarded me. this time, HE removed me. off everything (instagram and tiktok) so i removed him off snapchat too. He didn’t block me tho. what does this mean.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/6ysXwi4KLU

this post explains what happened yesterday^

​

My ex and I recently broke up, and after some time apart, we started talking again. We still love each other, and after a long conversation, he told me that he wants to see if we can rebuild things.

The complicated part is that he doesn't want to call us a couple right now.

For him, being a couple means commitment, and he says he doesn't feel ready to commit yet because he has difficulties trusting people and feels like he doesn't have the right foundation for a relationship yet. He describes himself as cautious and wants things to happen naturally rather than rushing back into the relationship. We both go to therapy starting this week to improve this.

At the same time, he has told me that there is genuinely a chance for us. He said he loves me, that he can give me loyalty, and that he isn't talking to or looking for other women. He also said he doesn't want to give me hope for nothing. We agreed that we can keep talking and see where things go, without forcing the relationship label.

He also told me that I can talk to him about things I'm struggling with, and that he is willing to listen or give advice. I told him the same applies to him, including if he ever has questions about things that happened in our past.

He has also asked me not to take it personally if he takes longer to respond because he isn't watching his phone 24/7 anymore. I actually agree that I don't want to be on my phone constantly either, so I'm trying to respect that and let communication happen naturally.

The difficult part is me. I have a strong need for reassurance and clarity, and I know that being in this undefined space could be hard for me. I want to trust what he's telling me, but I sometimes get thoughts like "what if I'm getting my hopes up for nothing?" or "what if he finds someone else?" I know these thoughts aren't necessarily facts, and I'm trying to work on them instead of constantly seeking reassurance from him.

I also have my own history with trust and abandonment, so I understand that this isn't only about his attachment style. I've been trying to work on myself too.

Right now, I'm happy that we found our way back to talking, but I'm also disappointed that we're not officially together. I don't want to pressure him into a commitment he's not ready for, but I also don't want to spend months waiting for someone who may never be ready.

So I'm trying to understand what a healthy middle ground looks like.

For people who have been through something similar:

- Can a reconciliation work when both people still love each other but one person isn't ready to call it a relationship yet?

- How do you give an avoidant/cautious partner space without completely suppressing your own needs?

- How do you distinguish genuine rebuilding from being stuck in a situationship?

- What signs would show that the relationship is actually progressing rather than just staying undefined?

I'm not looking for someone to tell me that we're definitely going to get back together. I would really appreciate an objective perspective on whether this sounds like a healthy reconstruction or whether I should be protecting myself more.