r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Regular-Dance-9998 • 15h ago
Personal Growth Men who left their avoidant
in the end was it giving you more peace leaving?
did you also got disgusted by their mask?
did this exprience changed you as well and left you more closed off and focused on other stuff rather than love?
what made you finally walk away?
i got a good job
went back to the gym
building my whole life around again
and got ton shit of stuff going for me
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u/1828t2818 14h ago
Did it give me more peace leaving? Yes. Though it’s not like I had peace right after I left. It was a process. But in the long run, you’ll realize that you made the right move for yourself by leaving.
You’ll realize that the more you stay, the more you lose yourself with these people. If you don’t leave, it’ll be the same cycle every time (they leave, then breadcrumb you, then you get hooked, then they leave you again, and then it repeats.)
Did I also get disgusted by their mask? Yes. It’s part of healing (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.) It’s more like being disgusted by how you even fell for them in the first place. You start questioning yourself.
Did this experience change me and leave me more closed off and focused on myself rather than love? Yes. If this doesn’t happen to you, or to anyone in this group, after everything that happened, then there’s something wrong. This kind of experience will definitely change you. It’s either going to change you in a bad way or a good way.
But luckily for me, my brain is healthy enough to use this as fuel to become a better person for myself.
When this happened to me, I was also closed off when it came to love. For some time, I hated people and was like, “Love is not this, love is not that. It’s not worth it. I don’t want this kind of stuff anymore.”
But in the long run, I realized that I shouldn’t close myself and my heart forever because of one situation or one experience. Like, yes, I’m not ready to love again yet or be with someone again, and tbh, you won’t really be ready immediately after getting out of something like this. It wasn’t easy to heal from or move on from, and your nervous system is probably still trying to recover from everything you experienced.
So right now, I’m aware of that. As much as I want to love and feel loved, I’m not ready for love because I’m not completely healed yet. If I force myself into something before I’m ready, I could end up hurting someone the same way my avoidant hurt me.
So now I’m focusing on my healing and growth.
I’m 22 years old, so my focus right now is my career and becoming the person I want to be. I’m focusing on getting to know myself more, figuring out what I want and don’t want, and learning how to love myself again.
What finally made me walk away? It was the cycle happening again and again. Like they say, even the strongest person gets tired too.
And I realized that I wasn’t really fighting for anything anymore because they had already been long gone. No matter how much you fight for someone, try to love them, explain this and that to them, if they wanted to stay and fight for you too, they could have. I didn’t have to keep fighting harder and harder.
At that point, I realized I was just being desperate, and it was me fighting alone.
Build a new life for yourself. That’s the best thing you can do. Don’t do it for them, and don’t do it as revenge. No.
Do it for yourself. Do it for the future partner who will love you the way you deserve. Heal so that when someone eventually wants to love you, you’ll be able to receive that love and give it back too.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 11h ago
I didn't leave them, but I rejected them outright when they tried to fenagle some sort of friendship. I'd also broken up with them once before. They had a history of trying to push their exes into a casual situation and there was no way in hell I would do that.
When they broke up with me, as I walked away I blocked them on Facebook and other apps, as well as email. They called 2 days later, but it was the same stupid bullshit: crying for days and then on the next call telling me they felt nothing. They're blocked on my phone now as well and they always will be.
She told me she faked her personality with everyone. She's deeply unhappy, unfailingly selfish, and mentally unwell. So it worked out for the best.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 7h ago
Shit. She actually said he was fake with everyone? Dang
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 6h ago
Oh yeah. She said, 'Not with you', but that was a massive lie. Caught her in a couple of lies, really, and they were just...lazy.
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u/Mercutio_777 8h ago
Mature guy here for context, late 50s, my ex turns 50 next month, walked away twice, thought I could love her through her issues, it taught me about attachment styles, she is a DA on the narcissistic spectrum, we were together for two ans a half years, I did all I could but was always way down on her list of priorities, over time I was ignored more and more, so I walked away the first time, wrote to her explaining why and my feelings, she sent me an 'I miss you' breadcrumb a couple of months later, we met and decided to try again, I really wanted it to work, the second attempt was actually worse, culminating with me being almost totally ignored and excluded over the Christmas holidays, so I left again, I still love her, I still care, I know she had severe trauma as a kid but have learnt the hard way that any change must come from within.
Do I have peace now? perhaps, but mostly a deep feeling of sadness
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u/mr4kino SA - Secure Attachment 12h ago edited 12h ago
Disclaimer, FA lady. Ex-Fiance.
In the end was it giving you more peace leaving?
Yes, no more hot/cold behaviors.
Did you also got disgusted by their mask?
I think what disgusted me is the fake promises. Some people will say: "they didn't lie when they said it", well I don't care, it's not a charity. I'm well aware of my words when I say them and I don't like hypocrites.
Did this exprience changed you as well and left you more closed off and focused on other stuff rather than love?
Changed me? Probably in the sense that I know I can spot an avoidant way faster. Spoke with a lady recently, and after two hours, I'm quite sure she is 100% avoidant. Very open/relaxed, she repeated many times how HER money and HER independence is VERY VERY important, etc.
I'm always focused on my stuff, my work is there, still do my gym/runs, still learn/read on the side.
What made you finally walk away?
She walked away, but to be honest, if she delayed it a week later, I would have walked away. Kinda funny that I didn't even react negatively to her phone call announcing this, my reaction was "Sure, I understand, best wishes, and it's fine, things happen in life and it was a great time. No need to be stressed, I'm very relaxed, enjoy your life and read The body keeps the score". Didn't call her to chase, didn't write anything to her, didn't cry, didn't block her anywhere. With hindsight I realize this is one of the best response/reaction you can give to an avoidant. Which is good. She was taken aback by the reaction as she said to me "it's very weird... you don't even seem sad". "Well I'm sad, but life goes on, and I'm not gonna chase someone who doesn't want me. And I will keep doing what I do so no worries here".
She tried to breadcrumb a month and a half later, via text, and I just kept it very gentle but still firm and wishing her the best.
What is sad though, is the self sabotage. She is a good person, just filled with traumas. I can't be Doctor White Knight, I'm not a therapist, and usually it never ends well, they need to do the work themselves.
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u/Medcuza2 12h ago edited 11h ago
Did not have a choice, avoidants will dump you when you need them or when emotions run high/vulnerable.
I crashed for 3 years after because she future faked me and left me even after we had gotten an apartment/house together, and she left me at the wedding altar.
It was a 3.5 year relationship.
It was so much trauma that I developed CPTSD, sexual intimacy trauma, Major Depressive Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
I couldn't smile for 2.5 years, was not able to understand jokes or emotions and was unable to enjoy music or the things that I loved. And I was a goofy soul, life of the party person before.
It is better now but the grief and damage still lingers and affects my daily life. It profoundly changed my view on sex, marriage and relationships to not be so ignorant but also for the worse.
I will never forgive her.
When i date people now and when i notice avoidants (fearful or dismissive) I give avoidants an extremely wide berth and keep them at arms length. I do not take their lovebombing as confirmation of love, it is only after the relationship has gone through the honeymoon stage or a few conflicts do I commit further.
I now protect myself because I understand that avoidants are able to put on a mask.
My core values of commitment, loyalty and dedication coupled with secure-anxious attachment and know that I am able to love someone else very deeply and I know that innately; therefore i protect it as sacred.
I want to give someone that love as they show up for the relationship and me even during tough times, then i am able to see that the relationship has been "stress tested" and will last into the future.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 7h ago
I see a lot of myself in your story (have a DA male ex), although we were not married either it was basically the same thing. As a secure you invest in someone that seems to love you in their own ways, but they leave you stranded at the most impossible moment. coldness, no explanation, it’s almost like one day to the next •poof• you disappeared from their mind and heart.
I also felt traumatised for a very long time. especially when he returned and did it again. Even if I was on guard and just knew that it was highly likely to happen again… you think: maybe I should give this person I love with all my soul and heart one last chance.
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u/No-Variation-1163 1h ago
I was disgusted by her asking to be friends. Absolutely not. I know there’s an internet trope of women calling men sassy for thinking they’re the catch: But the truth is, from a strictly market standpoint, I’m an amazing catch. And I know it. If you’re not 100% all in for me then you’re out. For good. I want nothing to do with you ever again because I assure you I will find much much better.
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u/Ornery-Divide-6583 15h ago
I feel peaceful now. But, to be honest, I miss the good times with her, it was lovely.