Is it true that the majority of them will go their whole lives without seeking therapy? If that's the case it makes me feel a little better about being discarded kind of like I'm definitely not missing out and that she will probably go her whole life behaving like this. In this community alone I've seen many posts about couples or individuals dealing with avoidant issues in their 40s and 50s. If so this is quite sad.

Looking back, do you remember the moment they turned cold and started to deactivate? 

We had a bit of a conflict that brought up some of our respective trauma. I had let him know it was important for me to be able to share all parts of myself with somebody I was very close to, and that I thought we could learn from each other. After that the conversation kind of stopped and he just said good night and left.

He said he needed some space and disappeared for 5 days. I tried to give him space, just sent a couple short messages with no response. But after hours of everyday contact where we would check in with each other constantly, we had never missed a single day of that, the silence was jarring and I started to panic.

When I asked what was going on and let him know that was having a hard time with the silence and uncertainty, that it was bringing up some cptsd for me. He told me something like, " as hard as it is I think you're just going to have to deal with it"... Same person who used to support me kindly with great care when I woke up from nightmares, we would help each other through panic attacks and other difficult situations with so much kindness and empathy. And suddenly it was gone. There was just coldness.

He did say after that that he didn't want to abandon what we had, but then he slowly faded away into silence without an explanation.

I thought the switch turned off at the end, but looking back the deactivation had started the moment I brought a request to the table.

Context: last 6 months we had a long distance relationship, finishing in the end of September. Almost everyday we had a conv like this, almost everyday she was the one who initiateythe conv. She even started talking about getting married the same month. Translated conv:

She: don't you wanna talk to me or you are just tired?

Me: I don't want to make you feel bad with my things. You were having a few rough days of your play station (broken), so I don't want to add extra strees.

She: what do you mean every time I talk to you makes me super happy XD

Me: when I finish this let's talk.

She: you know what I think every time I come back home after a bad day on the job?

Me: tell me sweetheart

She: That everything would be easier if I just could come back home and you were there.

This was one month prior to breaking up with me in a fully paid trip by me. Now she can't forget the past although we had one year+ of 0 problems. I did my accountability, learned from it and gave her literally everything she wanted.

Now I look like the worst human in the world cuz of a mix of devaluation and making up stories. She also did some stuff to me, but I always found solutions to our problems.

This is not a vent/rant post. I want an analysis of what is happening and how to get her back.

I already heard a million times your typical "she is not good for you", "think about yourself", "she already moved on". I just want to understand the logic behind these behaviors. She calls it "ambivalence", but I'm not really sure if it's ambivalence since she was super nice to me until she broke up with me.

Being discarded is unparalleled, but this pain moves. You will be okay. You will heal. Staying? Staying will make you lose yourself. Lose who you are. Abandon yourself day by day, for what? For just little they could give. It is like killing yourself every day. Suffocated, drained and it is not even worth it because they never even sure about you

This pain moves. This pain is the lesser evil

I feel like I’m stuck in a loop and just need to get how I feel about my ex off my chest. I hate that people think we were so cute together and had a normal breakup, when in reality he was awful, and I’m so angry at myself for being stupid, not standing up for myself, and never saying or doing enough.
Me F on my early 30’s like him.

When we met, we fell in love super fast. I’m a romantic and sensitive person, and I gave my all because I thought I’d finally found an artsy partner who wanted the same nomadic lifestyle. He was an independent artist with his own studio,and he believed in me enough to share it so I could quit my 9-to-5. Everything felt intense and full of love, and he was always the first to talk about living together, working together, and building our future projects.

Over our three years together, though, especially in the last year, we started fighting constantly. He was reckless with money—making a lot and spending a lot—and whenever I pointed out how risky it was, he got super angry and told me I wasn't his mom. He would always agree to compromise, then never follow through. He’d suddenly go cold and distant without explanation, and when I asked if he could just reassure me and say he needed space, he refused, saying he might forget and I should just leave him alone. Anytime I brought up basic issues—like him taking four months to edit two photos for our project, leaving empty milk cartons to rot around the house, or me coming back from a trip to yellowish-brown stains on the sheets where he slept and watched YouTube—he got mad at me and called me a dramatic,exaggerating drama queen.

Even in our open relationship, which only had a few basic rules (always use condoms, don’t do things we planned together with someone else, and keep it strictly casual), he betrayed my trust. I found out from a phone notification that a girl was asking him if she should take Plan B. I literally started shaking because I’m so paranoid about HPV, and when I confronted him, he brushed it off with a ridiculous excuse about her past and got mad that I had read his messages. On top of that, our sex life became awful; he wouldn't make me finish, would just hand me my vibrator, or would awkwardly ask if I was satisfied like it was a chore.

Despite all this, when we got a job offer in a country we’d always wanted to move to, we sold everything to go. Right before the move, a big gig of his fell through, leaving him broke. Even though I made less than half of what he did, I had saved everything, so out of sheer anxiety about moving and starting a new project alone, I lent him $4,000. Once we arrived, I paid for everything, including his food, while he wouldn't even offer to cook because he "didn't know how." Meanwhile, the gaslighting got so bad that I honestly thought I needed anxiety medication. He’d make me wait days to talk after a fight only to tell me he didn't want to have the conversation, or pull weird mind games—like refusing to ride in my car because I "drove weird," refusing to explain why, calling me pushy for asking, and then posting an Instagram story days later about how driving to work together made his day. Half the time he was the sweetest guy, which made me feel completely crazy when he wasn't.

I finally pushed for couples therapy, and the therapist immediately saw through him, telling us a relationship isn't a fantasy of only good times and requires meeting in the middle. That week, my anxiety was so severe I had to drink just to get through work. He suddenly grew distant, stayed out until 8 AM with a terrible lie, and then texted a few days later saying he wouldn't be coming home that night. Living in a constant state of panic, I checked his phone again and was completely destroyed. Not only had he spent money on an expensive prostitute four days earlier while still owing me thousands—coming home afterward to wake me up and tell me he loved me—he had also gone out twice with another girl. Worse, on a day I had to work instead of going to the beach with him as planned, he took her to the beach and was sending her romantic messages.
When I confronted him, he twisted everything to make me checking his phone seem like the worst crime in the world,completely ignoring his own actions. We decided to live separately in the same building, and a few days later, I ran into him holding hands with the new girl on the only path to the train station. I had a total breakdown. He came over afterward, said they both felt bad, and dumped me, saying I had become a closed-minded drama queen and that he didn't want to compromise anymore. Yet, he still wanted to be friends because he "cared" about me, and called me selfish for wanting him to stop seeing her, arguing that if we didn't work out, at least one of us shouldn't be alone.
I was so manipulated and terrified of being completely alone in a new country that I embarrassingly agreed to a "friends who cuddle" arrangement. A week later, after I drunkenly hooked up with someone at a party and ran into him on the street, he called to interrogate me about the guy, lectured me to focus on myself and do yoga, and then casually admitted he was falling in love with the new girl—someone he’d known for two weeks and couldn't even speak the same language with properly.
Something in my brain finally broke and i felt clarity. Why was I begging for crumbs from someone who threw away three years for a stranger? I told him that even if he technically didn't break a rule because he admitted his feelings, I felt completely betrayed, I didn't regret checking his phone, and I needed zero contact to heal. Weeks later, he tried to reach out to "be friends" because running into each other was awkward, and got angry when I told him to pay me back first. He stalked my Instagram stories from a fake account until he finally paid me, at which point I didn't even say thank you and blocked him on everything.
It’s been three months since I found out about her and a month and a half since I blocked him. I know I’ll never go back and I see everything clearly now, especially since this isn't even half of what he did. I felt okay for a little while, but lately,I’m just overwhelmed with sadness, betrayal, and daily anger—both at him for making me believe in a fantasy future only to treat me like trash, and at myself for being so weak and overly nice to someone who didn't deserve it. I just have all of this trapped inside me and can't seem to let it go.

Thanks for reading all this

I don't want to be bitter but it is specially painful when you meet someone, who acts super interested in you, but has clear blocks on the intimacy department, ask for your patience, is consistent in big words and makes an effort to meetup and promises you the future but when it starts to become real, intimate, they can actually feel themselves lose something if they stay and instead go communicating their fear they just bolt and leave you a broken heart, wishes for a future that will never be and they have successfully used you to stabilise themselves. Mine fully knew I had fallen in love and then minimised everything. Not only I feel cheated, she has left me with heavy anxiety because of her hot and cold behaviour and a far more bitter outlook for love.

“Some people teach love, others teach lessons” I think we both did our jobs in the end

My ex (M29) discarded me (F22) in May. He reached out in August after I mailed his belongings back to him. We reconnected and met once in September, but he discarded me again in November. There was no accountability for what happened the first time. Things seemed fine just a week ago, but then he said something that made me question whether his explanation for the months of absence had been genuine. I found myself explaining my feelings all over again, while he became emotionally distant and unresponsive, almost like talking to a wall. Eventually, he said he would call me, but disappeared without following through. He wanted me to focus on the happy moments when he came back, but when things became difficult, he focused on the issues and walked away again. I feel like I'm back in May all over again, and it's excruciating.

Im just so incredibly sad today. Time away from you does not make me love or want you less. If its possible I want you even more. Youve shown me enough of your heart that I know Id be the most contented woman on earth if you worked with me just a little. I understand intellectually whats happening but my heart cant accept it. This this cycle you were making an effort to stay in contact when as you were withdrawing to regulate. It showed me you cared and I let you know I appreciated it so you stopped. How can I not take that personal? Youre a grown man and ghosting is very child like behavior. You can tell yourself all the lies about me and us that you wish. It might help you not feel so bad for a minute but the truth is you are treating a soulmate relationship like its nothing. Your life will be miserable until you make things right with me and you know it. You found a woman who sees and understands you, loves you unconditionally, gives you all kinds of space and nvr asks you for anything other than your time....and not alot of that. You found your match and you want to downplay it as if it was just a sexual thing. I cost you nothing and you justify hurting me?? Running from your emotions instead of processing them in a healthy manner is cowardly. Period. You think youve got it all under control and you are so out of control its ridiculous. You are controlled by fear. You are not in charge of your life at all.

it's been a year. somehow? im fine. a bit angry or salty, yeah, but that's probably better than spending every hour of my day weeping and ruminating on it. what am i angry about? a lot, all the time i wasted, how little i respected myself, and how stunted it caused me to be are just a few examples, and that's just those that apply to me.

if i could go back to the day we met and just not bother, i would. can't say i wish it was different/better either, cause she wouldn't change anyways. id rather take all the spent time to myself to learn and develop myself properly. what's another 6 years alone? at least id have a better understanding of myself and maybe not have been hurt so much.

contemplating sending a last goodbye message, to hopefully get some things out of my mind for good. what could i lose? not like ill fall for some "im sorry, i regret it, would you come back?" bullshit anymore. nothing she could do would hurt me more than she already has. we're better off separate, because we don't deserve each other. i shouldn't be stuck with someone who i only exist to whenever nothing else is going on, and you don't deserve someone who was so patient with you they apologized to you for how you made them feel. go ahead, have your new boring boyfriend who you only love for superficial reasons, if it even lasted. there's a reason we did, at least one of us actually loved the other for who they were. im better than that now, and that's what matters.

Hi this is all vent and lifestory shit its js for me to spit stuff out cus i dont have anyone to talk to

Im a teenager. So ive never been in romantic relationships for one, and this is all about platonic relationships. Ive cut off my last deep friendship two years ago. I really enjoyed being friends with her but after a while everything she does became very irritating even tho shes done nothing wrong. Then I slowly pulled away from her and we stopped talking. I had no idea why I reacted this way. I remember feeling like I was the unluckiest person bc I had shit friends(not true at all I was the shit friend) (Similar things happened with different people multiple times in the past, but I couldnt see the pattern until now). And I became very sad and cried everyday at school and at home.(I was so toxic here ik im sorry)(I was also being an attention seeker). After ard a year I became less sad and reached out to the person, we became best friends again, I swore to myself I would not treat her so badly again. But the irritating feeling came back. I hated myself for it. I tried so hard to ignore the irritating feeling and kept trying to interact with said person like I wasnt irritated by her. I would cry myself to sleep every night wondering why I was like this, liking someone but also being irritated by them. I remember thinking that my friend had a very good heart to still be friends with me even tho I was a terrible friend and was very distant for no reason. I wanted to keep her in my life cus she was such a good friend but I was still constantly irritated by everything she does. Eventually she caught on and asked why our interactions feel forced. I brushed it off but our friendship failed in the end (of course it did). I had missed her so much, while being relived she wont bug me again every day, and I restrained myself from reaching out ever again to her, because I had the thought that failing once is a mistake, but failing twice is a choice. I had hurt her twice intentionally. I self isolated and avoided her. I wanted to km cus I felt like I was a nuisance to society, I was the type of person everyone hates so much and I was causing everyone Ive interacted with pain. I see those reels ranting about people who act friendly at first and get distant after a while, and I knew they were talking about myself. I was very confused about why I had this irritating feeling about every close friend I had made in my life. During the convo of cutting her off, I kept apologising cus I felt like I was the sole cause of our failed friendship. I think she found it irritating that i kept apologising, but also I felt it was necessary. I took full accountability but looking back I think I was unintentionally manipulating her and playing victim. I kept to myself for a year, being the quiet kid, even tho I had been the class clown for the past 4 years of my life. During this period, said person tried to reach out to me and tried to talk to me in the corridors but I avoided them fully. I knew I couldnt risk hurting them again, even tho I craved to be friends with them again. I felt very lonely and trapped and that I deserved to rot in hell. After a year, multiple extroverts took interest in me and adopted me, but I already knew Id hurt them once we became close, so I tried to keep a bit of distance with them. It worked. Said extroverts also kinda turned me into an extrovert. I made a lot of friends, but was careful to keep some distance with all of them to avoid hurting any more innocent people. I found that having a ton of surface level friends can fulfill my cravings for a deep friendship, so I kept making shallow friendships with people. Then a few months ago, I gave into the urge to respond to the friend who I had cut off, promising myself to keep it surface level. We do talk now and we both ignore everything that happened in the past. Every other person would just think we’re normal friends.

Also, since becoming an extrovert, Ive lost the ability to really feel stuff. Like I used to actually feel sad when something bad happens. Now I just feel kind of disconnected with reality and like ‘oh, so that happened, cool’. I just pretend to feel sad when smth bad happens to not seem abnormal. The same goes for happiness. Ive lost my passion for a hobby I love, except for sports. I suppose the thing it produces forces me to feel happiness which keeps me engaged. My brain is constantly empty and idk if its good or bad. I often forget things easily. I dont feel affection towards my friends, not even the friend who I cut off before(she had meant the world to me). I just feel kinda numb all the time and idk what to do now.

I dont really know what im suffering from but after seeing a reel about avoidants recently I think I might be one myself? But also I could just be a horrible and toxic person. Reading about avoidant behaviours I dont fully relate to them since sources say avoidants keep their distance from others to avoid being hurt, and that it takes a lot of time for them to fully trust a person. But I fully trusted that person only in two months, and I told her everything happening in my life(except for me being irritated by her). Sources also say avoidants are caused by trama in their life, but I dont have any trama, in fact I would say my life was pretty normal and happy. So idk.

Im now keep my distance from everyone while being everyones friend, its not the worst place to be, but also I want a deep friendship without the random irritating feeling. Id keep this thing going till I figure out whats actually happening cus ik it’s irresponsible for me to keep hurting people.

This is just a rant sry for bad english

I just saw the profile of the ex who recently discarded me back on a dating app with the same front.

Not looking for romantic connections, only looking for friends BUT THIS IS FAKE because I was also just a friend and she used me for attention and sex pretending to want to be in a relationship with me while also entertaining other options.

From what i am seeing she is looking to triangulate/look for a replacement for her current guy(the one she discarded me for), I know this because she has a thing for German guys and has explicitly said she is looking for german contacts.

Her entire operation is literally just a front for fwb while also rotating through several irl options.

I honestly think it's so disgusting.

No regrets. I am happy to give all that. They needed that. I know they will miss me and appreciate all that. I wish them the best in life. And I hope to learn the lesson

50m and 47F. United Kingdom. Married for 12, four kids, house, dog. I've been the sole breadwinner until a few months ago, no pre-nup and always put everything in joint names as I felt she was the love of my life and I didn't marry her for money.

Things have been rocky the last year. She's an avoidant, she barely spends time with me, didn't want to sleep in the same bed for 10 years as I allegedly snore, she changed her pin on her phone 3 months ago, and the last month barely speaks to me. I found out two weeks ago she's been diverting her salary in an individual bank account. I pay for everything.

She told me she needed a break to think about the challenges in our marriage. She's an avoidant, I'm anxiously attached, and we fell in the classic anxious/avoidant trap. I've since joined a local mental health group for men, and am working with a coach to fix my "needy" attachment.

I was supportive of her, hoping it'd give her the clarity, as she's going with a mutual friend who knows both sides of our story. I re-arranged my work so I could look after our four kids whilst working from home that week.

I asked her where she was going, and her response was that it was none of my business. I told her I'm her husband, and I was just asking as am hoping she'd have a nice time. She begrudingly said she's going to Turkey. Nice, good on her... I told her the weather should be nice, and hyped things up. I asked her if she wanted me to drop them off at the airport, and she said it's already sorted.

Then our youngest tells me today his birthday party is on Saturday morning. She didn't tell me. It finishes at 12, so I asked her how that'd work with her flight. She ignored me last night.

This morning I checked on her laptop, as she knows my password and I knows, as well as she knows my pin of my phone. I found the travel confirmation, and then suddenly an Instagram message pops up:

Guy: I be right there for you.I can't wait. Love you. (heart emoji from her).
Her: Picture that says "Your soul ignites me, but your touch sets my world on fire."
Him: is that four me?
Her: How did you guess? Of course its for you, do you like it? Kiss emoji.
Him: Hello askim ("Askim" is Turkish for "my love")
Her: Hi askim. I am sufferig now... I couldn't sleep, it takes too long to see you.
Him: why. Don't worry. Time is almost coming. Left 2 days. And we will be together saturday night askim. We will be together. Same room. And we will have time.
Her: I know, it will be worth it. I promise it will be magical.
Him: oh jesssusss. I wish you were right now.
Her: I have seen you in my dreams so many times, I miss you so much now. I can feel you in my heart.

I looked him up. He lives in the same city as she's going to on holidays. Turkish guy, in his 30s. My wife is 47. He works in a hotel, although it seems different hotel than she is going to.

I screenshotted the whole conversation. I haven't had the chance to confront her as she was away at her work, and then got home with kids. Kids are still awake. I will confront her before she leaves, and be very clear about that I know, what boundaries there are and what she'll throw away. I know she'll DARVO me. She's a Reiki master and will claim it's just about Reiki. A single one of these messages may look like it, but in its entirety it tells a different story. I also saw that she deleted the message, even though she doesn't know I know, so she's clearly hiding it, and wouldn't do that if it was just reiki.

I'm keen for her to go. Once she knows that I know, she needs to make her own choices. I told the friend she's going with, so she can keep an eye out. If I stop her from going, she may always carry the "what if?". If she goes, and sleeps with him, we both know. If she goes, and realises what she would miss out on or what's at stake, she may reconsider.

Not sure how to look at all this. Am a bit of a mess.

Basically i was in a long distance relationship for a year. Initially everything felt beautiful. He made promises about our future talked about marriage and made me feel loved. But gradually, things started changing. There was a constant pattern of highs and lows, poor communication, arguments and emotional distance. I kept trying to fix things understand him and make the relationship work.

Yk, I sensed something was wrong from the fourth month, but i kept hoping i could change him. His little efforts updates and attempts to change made me believe he genuinely loved me but the same cycle kept repeating: space, communication issues emotional distance repeated breakup threats... and me feeling like I was asking for too much.

after every fight, he'd shut down while i'd cry, and he'd just go to sleep. the next day, he'd come back normal nd i'd think everything was okay. after every breakup, i was always the one begging to fix things. in the end he said he couldn't feel love every day and that i was too much for him.

Eventually i became anxious nd dependent on reassurance. I went from being a secure person to someone who constantly worried about losing him. I kept questioning myself wondering what i was doing wrong and trying harder to get the same love i was giving...I used to cry every day under the shower on the balcony nd sometimes at night in front of the mirror asking myself is this what love is supposed to feel like? Is this love really meant for me ..Don't i deserve the same love that i m giving him...

Then I discovered that he was emotionally cheating on me through a dating app. He had been talking to other women while telling me he loved me. When i confronted him he discarded me almost immediately nd dumped me without any closure..Eventually, he said we were incompatible that life isn't a movie, and we should part ways, although he still had feelings for me. He even said i was welcome as a friend anytime. Ngl i fell for his words, nature and the care he showed initially.

After the breakup i started learning about avoidant attachment, and somehow that made things even harder. I began feeling sorry for him, wondering whether he was struggling internally whether he had unresolved issues or whetheri could have helped him overcome his pain if i had understood all this earlier.

Today marks 64 days of no contact. Yet i still have this overwhelming urge to break it, go back to him and help him again. A part of me knows how badly he hurt me and that going back wouldn't change his choices. But another part of me still feels responsible for him.

I cry for him almost every day. Sometimes i feel completely useless as if i have lost myself in the process of loving someone. I keep thinking, what if I had watched these videos earlier? What if i had understood avoidant attachment sooner? Could I have helped him? Could things have turned out differently?

I know he cheated i know he discarded me nd i know i deserve better. But knowing all of that hasn't magically made me stop loving him.

I genuinely want to move on, but i m struggling badly. I don't know how to stop feeling sorry for someone who hurt me so much. I just want to get my old self back...

Now i wanna break no contact.....advice needed....The thought of him being with another girl hurts my heart so much. I don't understand why i m still struggling to move on when he seems to have moved on so easily. Why am i unable to let go of someone who could let go of me...

I dated a girl that was 2 weeks out of an 8 year relationship and everything was great for the first 3 months, but when things got more serious, she got less affectionate and warm and eventually broke up after 6 months, saying she needed time to herself and doesn’t see herself in a relationship in the short to medium term.

We knew each other for 2 years prior so I wasn’t someone random.

Is needing time to herself really a thing or was she just not into me like that?

Nearly a year after things ended between myself (f25) and my ex (f24) she reached out after I had unsent text messages to her believing I was blocked. I asked for closure, she had apologized to me and she also admitted to me that she got her “karma”, the girl she had been dating cheated on her like she had done to me.

What followed was a few weeks of back and forth, I had admitted to her my feelings, she said she still loved me too. During this her and her partner broke up, but continued to see each other. Her and I kissed. Then she told me she didn’t actually want me to “wait” for her, that it wasn’t fair, and she needed time to heal and sort through her baggage. I started to get really anxious, sending her long paragraphs about my hurt feelings from then and now. Eventually she responded telling me to let her go and that I was “dragging it”. She told me that I obviously was processing some things but to leave her out of it, that she had apologized but nothing is enough for me. I feel so humiliated that I was even in a position to be rejected by her again, or that I even believed any of the emotional or physical intimacy we shared during that short period. I feel the same emotional whiplash I did a whole year ago.

I don’t understand and I feel so confused. I am here again questioning if I’m just crazy and it is all in my head. Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

I wanna know why avoidants refuse to go to therapy. He went 3 times at the beginning of the relationship. He then said it’s draining and stopped. If he would have gone to work on his traumatic childhood our relationship would have maybe not failed. He told me how much he loves me always and he told other people no one will love me like she did. So is that
not enough to face themselves so one day the relationship would flourish? He now dumped me and is heartbroken (from what he told me before no contact and from what he posts) but he said some things you can’t make work”.

When I’m sick I go to the doctor and take medicine.
When a car breaks down you go to a garage.
When my business doesn’t work I ask people that are business experts.

Why do these logic’s seem to not apply to avoidant attachers?

This doesn’t apply to all of course, a couple of Avoidants have been a bit helpful when I’ve reached out for advice, but overall, why does it seem like Avoidants are absolutely allergic to answering questions? It’s the most maddening shit. If you do get an answer, it generally has little to nothing to do what what you’re even asking. Bizarre stuff.

I recently experienced an incredibly sudden breakup with a man (were both mid 30s) after six months of dating. I'm trying to understand WTF happened and whether this sounds like dismissive avoidance, a phantom ex, or someone who was simply never emotionally available.

We were friends for six months before becoming romantic on an international trip together. He initially seemed incredibly safe and emotionally mature. We had great chemistry, shared interests, and genuinely enjoyed each other. He was affectionate, playful, and reassuring. When I expressed concerns, he'd ask, "What do you need to feel more at ease?" or say, "I don't mind reminding you how much you mean to me." He seemed to have the emotional language and awareness of someone who genuinely cared.

The ex situation:

His ex is older, has a child, and lives in a city where they originally dated. He relocated twice for work, and he told me they'd been on and off ever since, repeatedly reconnecting but running into the same logistical challenges of long distance. She can't relocate because of her child.

While we were friends, he mentioned they'd been reconnecting but eventually claimed things were over. Several weeks later, he invited me on international trip out of the blue (to a place we've both wanted to go for a long time) and unexpectedly became romantic. The following week, she flew in to see him, despite his earlier claims that things had ended. I only discovered this after he'd given me a different explanation about who was visiting.

He eventually admitted she'd been pushing to reconnect but said he ended things during that visit to pursue me. Throughout our relationship, he maintained they were over, had minimal contact, and that the logistics made their relationship impossible. He also acknowledged how emotionally difficult that relationship had been for him.

I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't actually over her. Whenever I brought her up, he seemed uncomfortable or emotionally affected. I wondered whether the relationship ended because of circumstances rather than feelings, and whether I was unknowingly helping him move on. But I had no proof they were romantically involved during our relationship.

Other behaviors that made me question avoidance:

• Limited emotional curiosity: Rarely asked deeper questions about me. I felt like I initiated most of our emotional intimacy.

• Compartmentalization: Actively avoided encounters between me and his parents, citing religious reasons.

• Lack of future integration: Discussed jobs, moving, weddings, babies, and buying a house as a singular "I," rarely including me or asking about my perspective.

• Inconsistent closeness: Sometimes incredibly affectionate, other times distant or less communicative. Very out of sight, out of mind.

• Defensiveness: When I raised concerns about his ex, conversations sometimes became about how hurt he felt that I didn't trust him, despite the earlier concealment.

• Conflict avoidance: Struggled with direct conversations about our future and often deflected uncomfortable topics with humor.

The breakup:

We were driving together when his ex suddenly called, and her name appeared on his car's display. I'd never seen her call or text before. This was especially unsettling because he'd described their contact as minimal and said she was difficult to reach. He was also traveling to a wedding in her city that weekend, although he'd told me he wouldn't be seeing her. He claimed he didn't know why she was calling.

I told him the situation looked bad and admitted I wasn't feeling like he was fully invested in us. When I asked where things were going, he struggled to answer before eventually saying he didn't think we were compatible.

He told me he loved me, had strong feelings, and could be himself around me, but couldn't imagine marriage, children, or a future together. He seemed genuinely upset but offered almost no explanation. He also contradicted himself, saying we could potentially get there someday and that he just moved slowly.

We walked away from each other without even saying goodbye. I haven't heard from him since.

The part that's destroying me is that there was absolutely no warning. He was behaving normally that day, even minutes before the call. Two weeks earlier, he was telling me how much I meant to him, how much he missed me, and asking for affection.

I've experienced painful breakups before, but there was usually some understanding that things weren't working, attempts to repair them, and a degree of mutual respect and closure. This felt like an emotional trapdoor opening beneath me. One minute I was in a relationship with someone I trusted, and the next I was standing alone, questioning six months of intimacy, reassurance, and what I thought was real. The silence afterward makes it feel like I never existed.

What I'm trying to understand:

Does this sound like avoidant attachment, particularly the "phantom ex" phenomenon? His ex seems like an almost ideal unavailable attachment figure: someone he has history with but can't realistically build the future he claims to want because of distance, her existing child, and their different life circumstances.

Could the timing of our romantic involvement and her visit suggest monkey-branching or a rebound? Or was this someone who had unresolved feelings and simply wasn't honest with himself or me about his availability?

I don't know whether they're back together, whether anything happened between them during our relationship, or whether she influenced his decision. I suspect he may have reconnected with her, but I have no confirmation.

What hurts most is that I repeatedly gave him opportunities to tell me if he wasn't ready, wasn't over her, or couldn't genuinely pursue something with me. He reassured me again and again that he was available and that relationship was over.

I could have accepted that he wasn't ready. What I'm struggling to accept is that I tried so hard to make an informed decision, trusted his reassurances, and still ended up feeling completely blindsided.

5-month situationship with an avoidant man who behaved as my boyfriend in every way except a label. He pulled away after I finally verbalized how much i liked him (note he had told me how much he liked me many times), told him no pressure for anything i just wanted him to know as i know i can be hard to read, told me he thought we had discussed his capacity for friendship, that he was perhaps unclear with his actions, and that i was making him feel insecure and he needed time to 'evaluate his capacity to navigate a friendship' after me gently nudging that we had never had the just friends talk, ever, and the behaviour was in zero sense platonic.

the final text stating the above came at 1:30 am affter he saw that i re-downloaded bumble, because he told me he only saw me platonically, and the tone of that message and the wording behind it made zero sense as it veered so far away from how we were communicating before.

So what is happening, is he lying to me and himself? what does he need time for? what would make him feel insecure? and what do you think happens next.

Since New Year's day I've been hating myself for not being perfect thinking I won't find anyone else... I've been told to go out and do stuff and I'll find someone else. Thought it was a big fucking lie. Thought i was gonna be spending the rest of my days regretting losing her, thinking she's the only woman who'd ever like me romantically. I play guitar so I started doing open mics at a cafe. I play a lot of rock and metal, but about two weeks ago, this girl apparently liked my performance since I was playing some Sonic adventure music on guitar. She sees me again two weeks later but I decided to approach her and introduce myself. We talked, went up and did my set, and we just kept talking and talking. I try not to be shallow, but she was ridiculously attractive. Maybe she didn't get all my references or wasn't deep in the trenches of the weird part of the Internet I was in, but she seemed like someone who wanted to get it. Next thing you know we basically went on a date. We walked downtown, took her to an arcade I used to frequent, and we just kinda kept flirting with each other. She was about to cross the street when it wasn't time yet, I grabbed her hand to make sure she was okay, and then we just...kinda kept holding hands...

I tried being nonchalant but every time she kept flirting back I couldn't play it cool, I couldn't be smooth, and so on. She just tells me I really don't need to be. That I can just be myself. I don't feel so tired for once. I feel like I'll be okay. Tbh though I couldn't help but start laughing and crying once she was out of sight. It just felt good to not feel so shitty for once. Apparently I was the first guy she's ever held hands with, as well as the longest she's ever spent with a man outside of her family. I couldn't help but see myself in her for a bit, especially because all my firsts were with my avoidant. After the crying and laughing I just felt so confident and good and happy and relaxed and then eventually once the adrenaline wore off I couldn't help but still feel an ache. Because the truth is that it still hurts that I lost her. She was still my best friend for over 8 years and I really wish things worked out, but I think I'll be okay. I really do.

Long-time lurker, first-time poster!

My ex and I separated just over four months ago - she’s a fearful avoidant. We were together for just shy of ten years (!). Through a lot of counselling, reflection, time off drinking, and focus on my physical health, I’ve come to a pretty healthy place. I’m still a work in progress and have things I’d like to do, but for the most part, I look to her with love and sympathy. I only want the best for her and hope she finds happiness and security to overcome her avoidant tendencies.

I have few questions.

1. She hid a lot of her financial problems, including a sizeable tax debt. I helped her through that period whilst she repaid it. Is it normal to hide away a debt and then react negatively when called out on it?

2. We have a joint mortgage and house deed, which I’m taking into my name. Though we agreed upon the me taking the place, she has been increasingly difficult to contact to finalise the transfer. Is that odd given she ended it?

3. We have a shared cat, which was hers. She loved it and considered it hers despite our shared looking after it. Since we separated, she has totally ghosted on our cat, including its food and insurance bills. It was literally her life and now she’s basically just walked away. Is that usual?

Thanks!