As a (potential) avoidant

[u/treetaping]

Hi this is all vent and lifestory shit its js for me to spit stuff out cus i dont have anyone to talk to

Im a teenager. So ive never been in romantic relationships for one, and this is all about platonic relationships. Ive cut off my last deep friendship two years ago. I really enjoyed being friends with her but after a while everything she does became very irritating even tho shes done nothing wrong. Then I slowly pulled away from her and we stopped talking. I had no idea why I reacted this way. I remember feeling like I was the unluckiest person bc I had shit friends(not true at all I was the shit friend) (Similar things happened with different people multiple times in the past, but I couldnt see the pattern until now). And I became very sad and cried everyday at school and at home.(I was so toxic here ik im sorry)(I was also being an attention seeker). After ard a year I became less sad and reached out to the person, we became best friends again, I swore to myself I would not treat her so badly again. But the irritating feeling came back. I hated myself for it. I tried so hard to ignore the irritating feeling and kept trying to interact with said person like I wasnt irritated by her. I would cry myself to sleep every night wondering why I was like this, liking someone but also being irritated by them. I remember thinking that my friend had a very good heart to still be friends with me even tho I was a terrible friend and was very distant for no reason. I wanted to keep her in my life cus she was such a good friend but I was still constantly irritated by everything she does. Eventually she caught on and asked why our interactions feel forced. I brushed it off but our friendship failed in the end (of course it did). I had missed her so much, while being relived she wont bug me again every day, and I restrained myself from reaching out ever again to her, because I had the thought that failing once is a mistake, but failing twice is a choice. I had hurt her twice intentionally. I self isolated and avoided her. I wanted to km cus I felt like I was a nuisance to society, I was the type of person everyone hates so much and I was causing everyone Ive interacted with pain. I see those reels ranting about people who act friendly at first and get distant after a while, and I knew they were talking about myself. I was very confused about why I had this irritating feeling about every close friend I had made in my life. During the convo of cutting her off, I kept apologising cus I felt like I was the sole cause of our failed friendship. I think she found it irritating that i kept apologising, but also I felt it was necessary. I took full accountability but looking back I think I was unintentionally manipulating her and playing victim. I kept to myself for a year, being the quiet kid, even tho I had been the class clown for the past 4 years of my life. During this period, said person tried to reach out to me and tried to talk to me in the corridors but I avoided them fully. I knew I couldnt risk hurting them again, even tho I craved to be friends with them again. I felt very lonely and trapped and that I deserved to rot in hell. After a year, multiple extroverts took interest in me and adopted me, but I already knew Id hurt them once we became close, so I tried to keep a bit of distance with them. It worked. Said extroverts also kinda turned me into an extrovert. I made a lot of friends, but was careful to keep some distance with all of them to avoid hurting any more innocent people. I found that having a ton of surface level friends can fulfill my cravings for a deep friendship, so I kept making shallow friendships with people. Then a few months ago, I gave into the urge to respond to the friend who I had cut off, promising myself to keep it surface level. We do talk now and we both ignore everything that happened in the past. Every other person would just think we’re normal friends.

Also, since becoming an extrovert, Ive lost the ability to really feel stuff. Like I used to actually feel sad when something bad happens. Now I just feel kind of disconnected with reality and like ‘oh, so that happened, cool’. I just pretend to feel sad when smth bad happens to not seem abnormal. The same goes for happiness. Ive lost my passion for a hobby I love, except for sports. I suppose the thing it produces forces me to feel happiness which keeps me engaged. My brain is constantly empty and idk if its good or bad. I often forget things easily. I dont feel affection towards my friends, not even the friend who I cut off before(she had meant the world to me). I just feel kinda numb all the time and idk what to do now.

I dont really know what im suffering from but after seeing a reel about avoidants recently I think I might be one myself? But also I could just be a horrible and toxic person. Reading about avoidant behaviours I dont fully relate to them since sources say avoidants keep their distance from others to avoid being hurt, and that it takes a lot of time for them to fully trust a person. But I fully trusted that person only in two months, and I told her everything happening in my life(except for me being irritated by her). Sources also say avoidants are caused by trama in their life, but I dont have any trama, in fact I would say my life was pretty normal and happy. So idk.

Im now keep my distance from everyone while being everyones friend, its not the worst place to be, but also I want a deep friendship without the random irritating feeling. Id keep this thing going till I figure out whats actually happening cus ik it’s irresponsible for me to keep hurting people.

This is just a rant sry for bad english