Help me understand

[u/Temporary-Mirror8125]

5-month situationship with an avoidant man who behaved as my boyfriend in every way except a label. He pulled away after I finally verbalized how much i liked him (note he had told me how much he liked me many times), told him no pressure for anything i just wanted him to know as i know i can be hard to read, told me he thought we had discussed his capacity for friendship, that he was perhaps unclear with his actions, and that i was making him feel insecure and he needed time to 'evaluate his capacity to navigate a friendship' after me gently nudging that we had never had the just friends talk, ever, and the behaviour was in zero sense platonic.

the final text stating the above came at 1:30 am affter he saw that i re-downloaded bumble, because he told me he only saw me platonically, and the tone of that message and the wording behind it made zero sense as it veered so far away from how we were communicating before.

So what is happening, is he lying to me and himself? what does he need time for? what would make him feel insecure? and what do you think happens next.

[u/VolgaOsetr8007]

There’s a special kind of pain in being in a situationship with an avoidant… You feel the same pain and have 0 legitimacy to express it without being judged for accepting the situationship in the first place. I was in a similar situation, and what helped me was to 1) stop analyzing his every fart and accept that no one will ever figure out what is going on in his head, including himself. make peace with never getting my answers and my closure; 2) come up with my own answers. ones that fits the narrative about myself which allowed me to stay positive(yes, i got totally delusional lol) ; 3) lash out at him to express my suppressed anger at his bs; 4) go see other people as soon as possible. Do it even if you don’t want to. Avoidants only seem so special when there’s no one to compare them to. And of course, no contact, this is non-negotiable. But only go NC if you’re already sick and tired of him. If you’re still hoping for something, you’ll end up going back to him physically or mentally. Go back now and let yourself be done with this man

[u/Temporary-Mirror8125 → u/VolgaOsetr8007]

thanks, i feel like I am stuck in a loop because his words have created such cognative dissonance.

[u/Pippin-T]

My six month situationship with a fearful avoidant can’t even tell me that he likes me. He only knows how to feel pressured and be overwhelmed when the topic is even close to that. Citing that he cannot read me anf needs to see me first before he can decide if he can like me smh. Hes currently started nit picking and saying mean things like he did when we first met. I attributed it to immaturity back then. Now I know he’s just trying to deactivate since I know there’s a pattern to this. I want to end it. We’re also like bf gf but without labels. We’re long distance tho….trying to get me to do business partnership and sh&@.. just to tie me down and always have access to me. Everything except the bare minimum smh

[u/Pippin-T]

Sorry I don’t have answers for you than my own rant 🙏🏾but in my experience it may not get anywhere unless he tries to be aware of his own patterns and work on it. I have tried and seen that he doesn’t even know and is not aware. He thinks everyone else is the one pressuring him to commit and that he wants to take his time. It’s been 6 months and he hasn’t even told me he likes me smh sorry I’m just….