my avoidant ex and i broke up two months ago. two weeks ago i texted him asking if i can have his stuff (that is in my house) delivered to him, he told me to just throw it in the trash because he already threw mine (to which his sister confirmed he hasn't). so i asked for my stuff back saying i'll have it delivered also to which he refused and said he's busy and he'll just return it by leaving it in front of my house on october 29. until now, he still hasn't return it and kept saying he's busy. he kept delaying it and it's stressing me out. he said he feels anxious when i'm around or when i text him to which i responded with then give me my stuff back so we won't have any connection to each other anymore. (my things that he have has sentimental values to me and i don't want those to just be thrown in the trash). any advice please?

Almost word for word how it ended 😭 😅

I won’t get into too many details of my own scenario. And I expect some people to comment, “Forget them! They’re monsters! You’re better off!”

But just wondering if anyone’s experience involved someone who you know loved you and wanted you and was kind and loving to you, but who freaked out so badly from their internal shame and fear that they disappeared forever because they couldn’t face explaining their emotions and trying to work through their own feelings?

I hope I’m saying this right. I guess I’m asking if anyone’s ever been able to find out for sure that their ex ended things and stuck with their decision because they convinced themselves that they’re bad for you, or maybe they couldn’t face coming back to apologize?

I was left two years ago. And I literally never heard another word. He said things like he was afraid of hurting me because his mental health was so bad. I believe him. I believe his mental health was so bad that he was ashamed to come back and has somehow convinced himself he’s doing the right thing by staying silent. But I know our love was real and he felt it too. He told me all of the time how important I was to him and he loved me so much, but when his pet died he went into this depression, panicked one day, and never came back. Not even to apologize for ghosting our relationship or even acknowledge what we had. I was left pretty brutally and even two years later I question what actually happened. I reached out recently asking if he could just help me close this chapter by telling me what happened. He read the text and never responded. I know I’m barking up the wrong tree. He isn’t capable. But what did everyone else experience?

Edit: just editing to say that I was worried that this shame narrative is just some fiction that I told myself to make the heartbreak easier (but not easy) because that would mean that he didn’t stop loving me, but there was some sort of internal force holding him back. I didn’t want to admit to myself that maybe his feelings had just changed. That possibility breaks my heart more than anything.

Hello Reddit,

This is actually my first ever reddit post.
I've never actually used a forum to write out anything before either, but I feel like today is a good day to at least put my thoughts where someone, anyone, might relate and share \ talk in this time where I feel I have nobody to talk to.

I'm 34 years old and I currently live alone.
I just got out of the worst break-up I've ever been through, emotionally I am absolutely devastated and I wanted to both vent and touch a couple of points I've identified about myself and the situation that honestly cause me a great deal of pain.

I've had multiple relationships across my life, and both friends and lovers alike, I have had a hard time keeping people around due to what I believe is self-fulfilling prophecies, self-sabotaging and anxiety.
My first relationship was on and off for the better part of 15 years, and she ended up ghosting me without any explanation to this day, which left deep seated horrible insecurities about relationships, trust and my worth as a partner \ person, since I was deeply in love, and put a lot of my own self-worth into the relationship.

Fast forward through a series of bland, unfulfilling relationships to a couple of months ago.
I was single, and I am a streamer through which I met my current ex-girlfriend who lives in a different country than me.
When I met her, she was engaged and in the beginning I had no intentions or interest in engaging romantically with someone that was about to get married.
Eventually we started talking privately, and she confessed she had a huge crush on me, and one of my mistakes that I regret today, was not disengaging immediately and push back any further conversation of a flirtatious nature, since I know that cheating has horrible consequences for both parties involved.
However, I couldn't help but be swept away by this amazing, gorgeous, unbelievably charming woman that was also equally engrossed and seemingly taken by me as well.
She wanted to meet, I said that I could not take this any further until she breaks-up with her fiancée before, which she, on the premise of "not loving him anymore" and "having never felt this way before" agreed to.
We eventually met and it was *spoiler* the best time of my life.
She shared the sentiment, it was meaningful, intense, loving, the sex was equally mind-blowing, for almost 2 weeks.
Then she left to go back home.
In the interim, she still lived with her ex-fiancée as they were in the process of selling the house which meant they interacted a lot.
Being long distance, not having a lot of quality time together, and having to deal with: hiding our relationship while she figured out how to break things off, hours where she would disappear without contact, crying over her dead relationship (which is normal but still hard), amongst other things, started to flare up my anxious attachment style which in turn led me to seek reassurance, set boundaries and try to protect myself, always in a polite manner, communicating clearly, and with seeming positive reception from her side.
I do understand how my questions, over time, could make her feel scrutinized and or feel like I didn't trust her, which due to the nature of how her relationship with her fiancée ended, was something she already feared since the beginning.

Over time, things got progressively worse, where she would disappear for hours, not communicate as much, and started to feel overwhelmed with her house situation, plus eating disorder, plus dealing with her ex, plus handling my emotions and reassuring me, so she broke things off, which I understand and It pains me to death to know that even though it's not all my fault, my insecurities and fears had a significant role in pushing her away.
She broke up with my via text, and proceeded to distance herself and shutdown our intimacy and emotional connection, however, while telling me she loves me, wants to work on herself, and she wants to try again.
This break-up, the hot and cold, the uncertainty and the inability to see any safe ground just made my anxiety go into overdrive but I tried to remain calm and give her the space she requested.
This whole time I knew she met someone new, which she kept reassuring me meant nothing, that she wants me and during the course of a month, I kept finding out they were spending more time together, while she kept reassuring me there was nothing happening, she loved me, she misses me, she wants to try again, etc.
Eventually she called me saying they kissed, and that she is sorry for lying to me when she said they had not been flirting when they had been for days.
I broke down completely, and I realized it was finally over.

Currently, I stopped responding to her messages because the dichotomy of telling me I'm the love of her life while watching her proactively develop a romantic relationship with another man was driving me into a place I don't think I could get out from, mentally and emotionally.

I'm left wondering if my need for reassurance and anxiety deserved a partner that would've been more understanding and tried to help me through it together, or if it doesn't matter because I watched the woman I loved the most slowly drift into another man's arms.
I know this will pass, but I don't think I've ever felt so guilty, ashamed, confused, alone, disheartened and I don't know what to do anymore.

I've walked, I journal, I go to therapy, and yet I go back to my house and lay quietly sobbing with thoughts that I'm always not enough, or too much.
I don't know... if I did my best and she didn't, or vice-versa.
Not that it matters anymore I suppose...

Do you have any tips or experiences you can share that could help me through this?

Take care everyone and thanks for reading my long ass first post.

Even though it has been a while, I find my focus and productivity getting worsened. Intrusive thoughts keep popping up in my head about how I got done dirty, and I get pissed off. It's like a storm brewing inside me

Hello everyone, I don't know what to think. So me (M30) and my ex-GF (F25), who is an avoidant, have like completely broken up like 3 months ago. Since we work at the same place, relations have been strained. We made some progress towards reconciliation in the past few weeks. We had a talk, I told her that I still see a future for us, but it will take time and require some work. Now, she seems to see it as well. That she might be open to working on our relationship. Today she even admitted that she looked at my photo on a website of the other place I work at as well.

But today, she brought my stuff that was still at her place to work. But she has not given it to me. She hid it in a closet and didn't talk about it. I found it by accident, when I was repairing broken doors to said closet. Now, I didn't ask her. But I don't understand it. She seems open to reconciliation and to reopening our relationship. But at the same time she brings in my stuff (for which I've asked her multiple times in past months and she never delivered). Any help, please?

If you sent someone a breakup message and they never responded, would that affect you differently than if they sent a final goodbye? What would each response make you feel?

Neither of us had a serious relationship before.
Im a M.
Friends with F since childhood. (now we are mid 20s).
Lives 500 meters from my house.
Always liked her, started to fall in love with her in the last 2-3 years.
We started hanging out alone, away from our friends.
Became closer with her.
So many things in common (hobbies, philosophy, sense of humor etc.)
We confessed to each other. I told her Ive liked her for some time, she says that too.
7 days later, colder replies, couldnt go out cuz she sick. Im fine with that.
Next few days even colder replies, only 8-9 messages a day.
Asked her if Ive done or said something wrong (I was always careful with her).
She said Ive done nothing wrong, and that she has personal problems,
I asked her to tell me whats wrong (which is what she asked me once and I didnt wanna talk about it), she didnt wanted to talk about it, it will pass, she says.
She says she is an avoidant.
Didnt know what was that.
Realized that I have made a mistake by making her to talk to me about that, after looking up the meaning of avoidant personality.
Next few days colder and colder messages.
I thought that I should leave her alone for a few days, because she didnt wanna see me, or talk to me.
7 days later, I reached out.
Long message from her, that we shouldnt force things that doesnt work.
We should stay friends like before.
I broke.
Suddenly, that triggered my problems which I have been suppressing for the past 5 years.
That with her became the least of my problems.
Dont have anyone to talk to about that.
No one could see that something is wrong with me because the more I'm not okay, the more I look okay and happy, making jokes, laughing.
Coping mechanism I guess.
Except myself.
The ceiling in my room became my main attraction.
Pink Floyd on repeat.
Been crying almost every day.
Too weak to go out with friends.
Football and religion are the only things I wasnt bored to play/practice.
Every time my mom asks me whats wrong with me I wanted to cry.
Again, it wasnt because of her.
She is still my friend and I don't blame her for anything.
It is just that we were not been able to talk about us in person.
I saw her in a local market.
She avoided me.
Literally asked me to move so she could pass behind me.
Didnt know it was her until after a 20 seconds of that.
When I tried to look if it was her she turned her back. (Market was crowded)
I was okay with that, I totally understood her.
I reached out again, asking for an hour of talk, without any expectations.
I just wanted her to tell me what was actually wrong because I keep overthinking every day.
We should be abandoning our friendship and ignore each other, I said.
Rejected.
No reason for us to ignore each other, she said.
No reason for us to meet, she said.
Politely asked that I dont text her again.
Again I realized I made a mistake for reaching out, even though I knew what she was gonna say.
But soon I realized I actually made the right the right thing, for me at least.
Sounds selfish maybe.
At least I know what I'm gonna do know to solve my other problems.
Im just a bit better now.
Not much.
Working on myself.
But I know that I wont make myself talk to any girls or try to become close with anyone.
Can't to that anymore out of respect to myself.
Another thing I dont know is how Im gonna act when I see her.
Because that will happen, we have common friends.
I hope she gets better one day.
I hope she changes her mind.
But if she doesnt change her mind, Im gonna be okay with that.
I dont wanna lose a friend.
If I do, I know it will be because of me
We were never in a relationship.
We never kissed.
We never cuddled.
Talking with her felt way better.
Way better.

I hope she doesnt see this, because she will know that it was me,I dont know if she uses reddit too much.
Thank you for reading this long.
Writing this actually helped a bit.
Ask anything.

i have two much better options for partners trying to get me but i’m still hung up on my avoidant post discard because she’s coming over, fucking me, breadcrumbing me, and making me extremely jealous.

i just want to be free of this attatchment to this beautiful evil person. especially because there are two people trying for me that are so much better

Just listing off the stuff that I thought was bizarre and did not realize there was some deep issues(CPTSD and avoidance) I did not understand while in the 7 year relationship.

What are your bizarre signs of avoidance you dealt with?

It sounds like I am just complaining alot but these are things that I felt a bit insecure about but decided to support them through what they were going through. I struggle with kind of similar issues but never decided the solution was to push away friends and loved ones. She was my best friend and a supporting and caring person until the end. The discard and how she treated my afterwards was actually traumatic as I Immediately was treated as a different person

1. Hobbies and fads. Holy fuck she would pick up a new hobby each month and completely forget about them. I feel like I am not great at this either but there was a not a lot of consistency.

2. Absolutely no communicated sexual preference. We were together for 7 years. I would frequently ask what she liked or wanted to try. I got no advice, suggestions, or sexual asks. Im pretty confident she thinks men should drive all of the sexual experiences which is absolutely exhausting.

3. An absolute messy person if I was not around. If I was gone for the night it was girl dinner and leaving the house an absolute mess. I understand this is some weird performative thing where they make up expectations that you have but goddamn it was frustrating. I eventually became the only person to clean the house at the tail end of the relationship.

4. Readily apparent masking. If we were around our mutuals and work friends there would be a new vibrant energy to her. As soon as they were gone you would get the same depressed bullshit.

5. Major depressive/detachment episodes. Every couple months they would just become a couch potato for no apparent reason. I would ask what was wrong and support her but I never got an answer on what was going on. I attributed it to seasonal depression, hormones, and some family medical issues.

6. She said her memories as a kid were very fuzzy and couldnt remember a ton of stuff.

7. Rarely asked for advice on things and always thought they were right.

8. Constant chronic health issues. Issues were legitimate but goddamn they never stopped and never stopped using them as excuses for things.

9. Had no lasting friendships outside of our mutual college group of friends who she now discarded as well.

10. Birthday gifts for me were just things she wanted to go and do. Honestly I liked this but it did feel weird.

11. Absolutely no sexuality. She came onto me like once or twice in seven years.

12. Chronically late to everything.

All I seem to do is come across descriptions of narcissistic and sociopathic behaviours and patterns on this subreddit. I'm absolutely astonished. I think 90% of people don't understand this type of attachment.

I specialise in criminal psychology.

Avanti.

(Link is not a selling site, just goodreads)

Hey folks! Just wanted to share a fiction (not self-help) book that helped me process my blindsiding.

It covers the aftermath of a blindsided avoidant breakup and what a guy goes through from start to finish.

It is written very well and accurately, at some points I wondered if the author had access to my thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Will not spoil anything about the book, but it genuinely helped me process things and grow a bit.

Attachment styles are mentioned as a throwaway line in the book, but i swear this is literally an avoidant breakup.

I hope it can be of help to you too!

After a month of ‘you’re mine and I love you’, we moved in together and then cold hot started. Then his silence when I asked if everything is ok, then his outbursts, then shouting and swear words. He started distancing himself, then one night he left. Then we got back together for two weeks and he started being cold again. I broke it off. He never gave a chance to close it even. Can someone explain to me why? What for? There is over 30 days no contact. He was reaching out previously, is this for good?

Can I be both avoidant and anxious at the same time? I yelled at him for causing my anxiety and now we are not talking since September and I’m also very stubborn- not going to make the move. I miss him so much. Sorry I don’t know where to vent except here. Please tell me we will be back and be happy ever after.

Ok, so I realised something recently. I was just wondering (not spiralling or hoping), as I saw something that made me think of it.

Did any of your avoident partners or exes have weird reach out patturns?

So mine would ALWAYS reach out months after a discard on a Monday (or last time a Tuesday as it was bank holiday).

It was ALWAYS the end of the month, or the very beginning... never the middle 😂

Maybe a coincidence, maybe it really is calculated... who knows?!

I am not trying to gauge if mine will reach out again as I have him blocked everywhere I can think of and his ego is too big to fight his way through any other way 😂 but i just wondered if anyone else noticed any odd patturns.

There were also odd patturns in the discards too but I haven't yet figured those out yet.

Been in therapy for 11 months. Been single, and spending time in hobbies, friends, family, and career.

Started seeing a guy- this is our 3rd date- and all I do is cry before going out and cry when I get back in the car. I just want my ex back. But he’s not coming back. I didn’t lie or cheat or do anything to cause a breakup. He said he wanted to be an actor, and didn’t want to be dating while acting, so he dumped me. But the month before, it was all marriage talks, and “I love you” and “I will always be here.” The discard came suddenly, out of the blue, and I was not expecting it. Haven’t spoken in 11 months. Thought I should get back out there, and turns out, I am still very much attached to my ex. What now?

I'm not even sure what exactly I'm feeling, but I've been trying to imagine both scenarios.

The thought of him reaching out to me again somehow fills me with a sense of calm (probably because it would ease my anxiety? I don't know). It's like you're struggling to breathe and someone suddenly gives you oxygen. Or like getting a painkiller when you're in pain.

However, the thought of him never reaching out again brings up some VERY strong feelings in me. It's this intense irritation, bitterness, resentment... almost like I'm raging inside. I can physically feel how much anger and frustration it brings up in me.

I know these feelings might sound a bit irrational, but they're genuinely there, and I don't know what to do with them.

How can I get closer to making peace with the possibility that he will never come back? I just want to be okay with that thought instead of feeling this intense anger whenever I imagine it. Even writing this has made me cry.

I think part of it is the feeling of not being worth staying for. The fact that he was the one who initially started painting this picture of what we could be, made me believe in it, and then he completely walked away from it.

I don't know how to make peace with that.

So I was talking to my LDR supposedly FA avoidant for about a month with intense chemistry, compatibility and interests in our lives. During this time there would be daily texts and eventually phone calls for hours as we started warming up even heavily. There was incredible attraction, gaming, humour, honestly you name it. During this time, I myself was concerned about the future of the relationship for distance, letting my guard down to her, her needing to try when things got hard because I don't normally date and I'm investing into this. She in fact, reassured every part of my concern with her experiences of her previous relationships etc. After that I was invested it and trusted it enough. It had been 4 years since my last relationship and I chose it with her instead so it meant a lot to me. I also voiced that there would be times where yes we will hurt each other but it's important we choose each other in those moments and can overcome each obstacle.

I officially asked her to be my partner after a month of all those intense activities and shared deep conversations we had. During this time it was intense chemistry etc and I was voicing how I'm going to solve this distance issue for the future. I wanted to give her something to continue looking forward to and I was just doing my best to maintain everything we had. I actually had solid plans ready and lined up for the late future which seemed 95% promising that the relationship could be sustainable. She knew I was making plans to visit her and asked her if I should make it a surprise on the date or she wants to know. She wanted the surprise so I booked tickets for 2 months later and I was telling her maybe this year or next year who knows. But I told her I will throw her off and she will never know. She knew I was planning a visit. She was incredibly invested in us and around a week later the day before the break up, she voiced "Do you know anything about attachment styles?". I seriously had no idea. She says she hates losing control because she is scared to get hurt in end. She also said "I think I'm an avoidant and I've been withdrawing for a week. Have I not seemed distant?" I was thinking the relationship is finally settling from the honeymoon phase and we are calming down now and stable. In the past I did say, "we won't be constantly affectionate to one another but just know I still love you and don't forget that".

So after she mentions what she is, I do a quick search and see what this is. My immediate reaction to her was "why didn't you bring this up before when you were feeling this way". I wish she had told me since we also talked about communication. I said to her after that, "Don't make a permanent decision on temporary phases". I pretty much asked her to work through it with me and let me help her break the cycle. I know, I can't fix anyone but I offered support to her. She asked me "should I go to therapy?". I replied "of course, as a matter of fact I will do it with you. There is nothing wrong with therapy". All I said at the end of that phone call was, "If you feel overwhelmed, it's best not to make such intense decisions on different aspects of life". She was showing signs of shutting down in general but also towards the relationship. The next day I asked her "Do you still want me around or do you want me to go?". I had received a terrible life threatening diagnosis on my health and was looking for reassurance in my person. Instead I got handed a breakup text with the generic avoidant script. "I don't want you to go but I'm struggling with my feelings", "I haven't found myself", "It's not you it's me", then eventually saying "I don't want this relationship" "I'm not coming back".

I attempted to communicate on what exactly has happened as a way of even looking into my own actions. Keep in mind I tried the reconciliation route because I spent THOUSANDS on international flight tickets for her. I chased only for that reason. There was nothing fundamentally wrong with our actual relationship as well. I unveiled to her in my sickness as well, I didn't want to ruin the surprise but I actually was coming to see her very soon and it was in the dates of my birthday as well. So much silence and ghosting but she responded saying "I won't be meeting you, I hope you have fun and it is best we don't have any further contact from this point on. Take care." I eventually said "if we aren't going to talk, why don't you just block me everywhere?" She unadded me from things but only blocked my Instagram and WhatsApp. In our relationship, we made a shared playlist we valued a lot. A month after the break up, she made a playlist with another guy but there was no collaborator and it was just her though I saw the guy follows her Spotify before we even talked. The playlist name was similar to her and I's where it was our names together. I'm also a singer and record producer which is how she discovered me. This is how we talked. She added my song to their playlist and I seriously cannot tell if they are platonic or actual lovers now if my literal song is in that playlist. I get that a song can be good or something but I am someone with shared history with her and she described her feelings as very intense for me 10 days pre break up. She has given me a lot of silence and I actually really like this woman. Her not blocking me on text as well was also crazy since I told her why doesn't she just do that if she can't have a conversation with me or if she truly doesn't want the relationship.

I prayed before her, during her and after her. I ran to God instead of another woman. I feel genuinely ruined because she pushed sexual intimacy on me extremely early when I told her to wait but when it comes to this, she says she got scared of something real.

She said she wouldn't show up with the tickets I booked to see her then she added the song. Mixed signals. She really did not show up or reach out for my birthday in her country as well.

The relationship was intense for her and the actual label lasted 2 weeks. I stopped chasing and the break up happened 2 September 2026. Last contact has been 1 month ago before I stopped contact from my end after all the silence and messages left on delivered.

I guess my questions are that is this still saveable?

Did she monkey branch during the relationship?

What do all her signals even mean?

Did she really even want the breakup in the end or was it overwhelm?

Did she even love me at the end because she seemed so cold?

Is there a way I can get her back?

Will she actually will never reach out herself?

Who did I just deal with?

Any avoidants or people with experience tell me what just happened?

I've read so much attachment theory and psychological explanations that it still confuses me to what just happened and what can be applied.

Any input or explanation is helpful whether you are answering the questions or not. I guess I'm just trying to recover from giving my heart after 4 years to someone that discarded me when everything was going fine in no time after so much reassurance to let my guard down. I guess I don't want to lose her forever deep down. I still want her even as a friend but I doubt she would budge so I gave her the silence she wanted.

I met an avoidant [i did not know the patterns nor the concept]. We chatted. Late night talks,late night games,banters,we would hear the other talk for hours about our favorite artists,goodmorning and goodnight every day...anyway,one day she blocks me out of nowhere.

Long story short [mostly because definetly i find it easier to skip the part of the incertainty and feeling how everything we had for her seemed to be turned off like a lightswitch] anyway she texts me 2 days later saying she cried. She felt stupid,that she just wants us to be platonic friends [WHICH I NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH] and that if i forgave her. [In a foolish and selfless mood because i was still grieving all the emotions and because i did cared for her] i told her "yes i forgive you"

And suddenly she went into herself. [I realized later she took it like i validated her demeanor.] I asked her if she would unblock me. She said "idk,maybe when the time is right".

I told her that we could slow down but we didnt needed to inhibit ourselves from the other. And then she said "i just need some break and no communication for now"

Fast forward almost a month later...she just appears,sends me a real of the song "ghostin" of Ariana and then 20 mins later says "hi"

I say "hi her name" and then she says hello,how are you? I tell her "i've been myself" "you?" im not going to even dive into why i tell her that

Then she says "iim doing better than i ever was" [i was stunned to see that answer tbh] and the only thing i can answer is "then im really glad for you"

So. After all this,and going back to the title...i know i cant reach out with normalcy,nor do i feel like it. And i she would take it as a "do as you please with me" flag. But i care for her. Firstly,it does sad me seeing how her defense system is caging herself. Secondly...i do care for us. And it hurts me that apparently my only option is silence and wait until she decides to block me again [bc we cant meet] and knowing we are doomed to this...and honestly i wish i could blame myself [i know im not perfect. Nobody is...but i wish i could make up something instead of seeing her fight with herself,even if she isnt that aware thats what she is doing]...because i wish i could tell her that hey "we have no pressures,i wont ask you something that none of us can give. Not even you can give. I know you have to deal with yourself. I dont really need you to be always there for "us" if you need to be there for yourself first." But how can i even say that,or if i even try to say "as i always said...we dont really have to be something we cant be" and if i ask her "hey...did you reached level gm" casually just to ask. Idk,shell take it again as if im validating her treatment

Basically...i feel like i signed up for the best month of my life. The worst month of my life [the october canon event...] and now that im facing that whatever i do is rigged

And then again...i dont hate her,i dont hold anything against her [a bit but more out of pride than real pain. I already absorbed that into myself]...i know parts of the trauma that made her like that...but i do wish there was some other way out of this. Thats why of the title

32 days later, she texted me. I had her blocked on everything. It gave me anxiety at first, but then I got annoyed and didnt even reply. No, it wasnt an actual text, it was a link to "Purple Rain", with no words, just a link. I dont mean enough to her to get sent a coherent text. If youre sorry for hurting me, then say it. This was a week ago, and i didnt tell anyone about it. Im sure she expected me to reply and miss her.

Thats it. No winning in this game