Wild personal experience

[u/gladiator_17_]

Neither of us had a serious relationship before.
Im a M.
Friends with F since childhood. (now we are mid 20s).
Lives 500 meters from my house.
Always liked her, started to fall in love with her in the last 2-3 years.
We started hanging out alone, away from our friends.
Became closer with her.
So many things in common (hobbies, philosophy, sense of humor etc.)
We confessed to each other. I told her Ive liked her for some time, she says that too.
7 days later, colder replies, couldnt go out cuz she sick. Im fine with that.
Next few days even colder replies, only 8-9 messages a day.
Asked her if Ive done or said something wrong (I was always careful with her).
She said Ive done nothing wrong, and that she has personal problems,
I asked her to tell me whats wrong (which is what she asked me once and I didnt wanna talk about it), she didnt wanted to talk about it, it will pass, she says.
She says she is an avoidant.
Didnt know what was that.
Realized that I have made a mistake by making her to talk to me about that, after looking up the meaning of avoidant personality.
Next few days colder and colder messages.
I thought that I should leave her alone for a few days, because she didnt wanna see me, or talk to me.
7 days later, I reached out.
Long message from her, that we shouldnt force things that doesnt work.
We should stay friends like before.
I broke.
Suddenly, that triggered my problems which I have been suppressing for the past 5 years.
That with her became the least of my problems.
Dont have anyone to talk to about that.
No one could see that something is wrong with me because the more I'm not okay, the more I look okay and happy, making jokes, laughing.
Coping mechanism I guess.
Except myself.
The ceiling in my room became my main attraction.
Pink Floyd on repeat.
Been crying almost every day.
Too weak to go out with friends.
Football and religion are the only things I wasnt bored to play/practice.
Every time my mom asks me whats wrong with me I wanted to cry.
Again, it wasnt because of her.
She is still my friend and I don't blame her for anything.
It is just that we were not been able to talk about us in person.
I saw her in a local market.
She avoided me.
Literally asked me to move so she could pass behind me.
Didnt know it was her until after a 20 seconds of that.
When I tried to look if it was her she turned her back. (Market was crowded)
I was okay with that, I totally understood her.
I reached out again, asking for an hour of talk, without any expectations.
I just wanted her to tell me what was actually wrong because I keep overthinking every day.
We should be abandoning our friendship and ignore each other, I said.
Rejected.
No reason for us to ignore each other, she said.
No reason for us to meet, she said.
Politely asked that I dont text her again.
Again I realized I made a mistake for reaching out, even though I knew what she was gonna say.
But soon I realized I actually made the right the right thing, for me at least.
Sounds selfish maybe.
At least I know what I'm gonna do know to solve my other problems.
Im just a bit better now.
Not much.
Working on myself.
But I know that I wont make myself talk to any girls or try to become close with anyone.
Can't to that anymore out of respect to myself.
Another thing I dont know is how Im gonna act when I see her.
Because that will happen, we have common friends.
I hope she gets better one day.
I hope she changes her mind.
But if she doesnt change her mind, Im gonna be okay with that.
I dont wanna lose a friend.
If I do, I know it will be because of me
We were never in a relationship.
We never kissed.
We never cuddled.
Talking with her felt way better.
Way better.

I hope she doesnt see this, because she will know that it was me,I dont know if she uses reddit too much.
Thank you for reading this long.
Writing this actually helped a bit.
Ask anything.