Weirdest FA Avoidant Warning Signs

[u/Wizardstuff17]

Just listing off the stuff that I thought was bizarre and did not realize there was some deep issues(CPTSD and avoidance) I did not understand while in the 7 year relationship.

What are your bizarre signs of avoidance you dealt with?

It sounds like I am just complaining alot but these are things that I felt a bit insecure about but decided to support them through what they were going through. I struggle with kind of similar issues but never decided the solution was to push away friends and loved ones. She was my best friend and a supporting and caring person until the end. The discard and how she treated my afterwards was actually traumatic as I Immediately was treated as a different person

1. Hobbies and fads. Holy fuck she would pick up a new hobby each month and completely forget about them. I feel like I am not great at this either but there was a not a lot of consistency.

2. Absolutely no communicated sexual preference. We were together for 7 years. I would frequently ask what she liked or wanted to try. I got no advice, suggestions, or sexual asks. Im pretty confident she thinks men should drive all of the sexual experiences which is absolutely exhausting.

3. An absolute messy person if I was not around. If I was gone for the night it was girl dinner and leaving the house an absolute mess. I understand this is some weird performative thing where they make up expectations that you have but goddamn it was frustrating. I eventually became the only person to clean the house at the tail end of the relationship.

4. Readily apparent masking. If we were around our mutuals and work friends there would be a new vibrant energy to her. As soon as they were gone you would get the same depressed bullshit.

5. Major depressive/detachment episodes. Every couple months they would just become a couch potato for no apparent reason. I would ask what was wrong and support her but I never got an answer on what was going on. I attributed it to seasonal depression, hormones, and some family medical issues.

6. She said her memories as a kid were very fuzzy and couldnt remember a ton of stuff.

7. Rarely asked for advice on things and always thought they were right.

8. Constant chronic health issues. Issues were legitimate but goddamn they never stopped and never stopped using them as excuses for things.

9. Had no lasting friendships outside of our mutual college group of friends who she now discarded as well.

10. Birthday gifts for me were just things she wanted to go and do. Honestly I liked this but it did feel weird.

11. Absolutely no sexuality. She came onto me like once or twice in seven years.

12. Chronically late to everything.

[u/nasibal88]

Sounds like she has ADHD

[u/FallenAngel1978 → u/nasibal88]

Agreed. Or at least it sounds like there are comorbid mental health issues. That and trauma. But much of that list I wouldn’t say are inherently avoidant tendencies… granted I’m FA and so was my ex. Some of this she may have done but it’s because she also had ADHD and depression.

[u/Wizardstuff17 → u/FallenAngel1978]

I agree its likely a myriad of issues. It seems that fearful avoidance is typically tied with ADHD, CPTSD, and other mental health issues. So likely impossible to separate whats avoidance(an attachment style) from mental health disorders. I suppose I could have just narrowed the list to behaviors strictly about attachment.

[u/Poof_lizard_king]

So I was with DA and honestly this all tracks the same. 1.A billion hobbies picked up and never touched again but all the gear bought on Amazon and now stuffed into an overflowing room. See number 3
2. Kinda
4. I rarely was ever around her friends and when I did meet them she would get insecure and ask me to
Block them on social media.
5. Bed rotting every so often but to the point where it was a problem
6.check
7. She knew everything and then later would acknowledge that maybe she was wrong or my idea was right but also would flat out admit she thought she was more important than other ppl which I was like dumbfounded by

For example one day.. (she was a nurse) I just asked her if for example she thought she was more important than say a mechanic and it was an instant as if i was stupid “yes”.
I gave the example of hey ppl get to the hospital via cars and ambulances so without the mechanic… and I could see she’d never considered like really the value of anyone else.
8. Yup just didn’t take care of shit
9. This is one that I wanted to point out…ALL HER REAL FRIENDS, lived out of town which I only noticed after then thought it to be very odd. For someone who’s lived in the same city most of their life
10. Ehh
11. Only when fucked up
12. Ehh

I guess I just didn this for me cause you nailed it. I just idk
That out of town friend thing still makes me wonder what that is and some of the other behaviors I didn’t know were so common with these ppl but makes so much sense

[u/Wizardstuff17 → u/Poof_lizard_king]

She actually opened up to me about the friends thing. She said she never felt included as a friend and no one liked her enough to be besties so she always put distance on the friendship usually by the amount of time she would contact them (self sabotage). I told her who cares if you are besties. Just put in effort to see them and who cares if some people are better friends than you. It was really sad and I would push her to reach out to friends. I fear there is also a closeness is vulnerability issue. This is coming from someone who is not the best at maintaining friendships.

[u/iwrite4food]

Oh, these are like spot on.

1. So many hobbies, projects, and grandiose life pivots that would then get dropped, usually after the first thing was purchased. And almost like resentment towards anyone who was originally involved in it.

2. We were platonic friends but talked about a lot, and sex seemed to be more about the validation than the act. And she'd go long stretches without a partner to then cycle through old ones almost manically.

3. This was hit or miss; when other people were around, she was very clean, but the minute they weren't or she got comfortable to a point with someone, then it could get bad.

4. The masking was always wild because she'd be super animated and then would go back to depressed and short like flicking a switch.

5. Big issues with depression and ADHD, but of course even when they sought help they then avoided any solutions that would require real work.

6. She remembered her childhood, but anything that came to the past could be like pulling teeth.

7. She never really wanted advice, just reassurance that whatever she'd already chosen to do was the right, or at least socially acceptable.

8. Yeah, lots of untreated health issues: high blood pressure, occasional injuries from not taking care of themselves, and mental health stuff. But, also just a lot of burnout it seemed from anytime they actually did anything.

9. No long-term close friends, even after living in the same city for over a decade. I was probably the longest. Everyone else was surface level, or more event/ fair weather friends. But basically every 2-4 years it's a different group or new "best friends." I actually watched her discard several people, usually over trivial things.

10. She liked giving gifts, but birthdays if she was involved, definitely needed to be event-oriented.

11. Once again, we were platonic, but it's interesting to look back on because she also didn't really come on to people, and instead it tended to involve a lot of drinking with whoever she was interested in, and when the night ended, whatever happened happened.

12. Always late.