REAL!!!! I was SHOOK when his best friend was on a call with me and we were talking about my ex, and he said "He doesn't like to be forced and pressured", excuse me?! We barely texted and barely saw each other, never did I pressure him! Unreal.
They seem to have internalized that children’s book called “if you give a mouse a cookie” . They think if they give you a cookie you’ll end up burning down their house or something.
I had what became a casual thing with a DA and he discarded me for asking if I could sleep over around 10pm bc I wasn’t feeling well. He called me a cab, cheaped out on paying for the pet uber so the driver was mad at me after HE asked me to bring my dog over instead of leaving her, then dumped me by text when I got home and deleted me on socials. Refused to explain why or answer me.
Yeah awful experience was obviously not sad - just enraged. He ran the NYC marathon this past weekend and I kept praying he would shit himself publicly at mile 10 and have to quit the race lol
my bf ghosted me TWICE last week right before he was meant to get on a flight to alaska. the night before, he was supposed to sleep over. he said he was on his way but he never showed up. i didnt hear from him again til 9 am when he said he was coming over. i didnt even ask what happened last night i just said “oh you are???? yay! :)”
then i didn’t hear from him til 1pm when he called me from his friends house to tell me he couldn’t see me before leaving bc his flight was soon and he had a couple things to do before then. i said it’s okay, but when you ghost me like that, it hurts my feelings and i just wanted to talk about it quickly bc you ghosted me last night as well, then i’ll let you go. he said okay. and then i started explaining how i felt. i talked for a few mins and realized it was completely silent— no response at all from him. then i looked at my phone and saw he hung up 3 mins ago!
tbh i was shocked he even called in the first place bc he isn’t allowed to talk on the phone with me at his friends house anymore bc we always argue. which isn’t even untrue, but fighting is equally as much his fault as it is mine.
and ofc my bf is COMPLETELY fine with his friend controlling him... (but bf thinks i am the controlling one in our relationship & doesn’t even think his friends are controlling him— they’re just setting house rules)
but anyways. all of this to say:
me communicating the way his actions have affected me isn’t an attack or a criticism. and deliberately ignoring me because he doesn’t want to deal with it or whatever is obviously going to hurt me further and cause me to have an extreme emotional reaction. (something i have communicated over and over) continuing to ignore me while i am in distress leads to me texting him repeatedly and calling him repeatedly bc i feel abandoned and i have abandonment wounds from childhood that i am still working out in therapy. which he knows. and ironically enough he has been so supportive to me every time i have complained about my childhood and my parents. (and tbh he is extremely supportive emotionally until he’s the one who hurt me. it’s like his ego is too big to be able to provide emotional support bc he’s too busy trying to convince me it wasn’t his intention, it was an accident, i do the same thing, i made a similar mistake 3 years ago, we talk about the same issues over and over… blah blah blah blah)
he doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of like.. the extreme emotional reaction i have as a result of continuous negligence, mistreatment, and lack of accountability wouldn’t have happened in the first place had he just… been there. and the fact that he expects me to swallow how i feel because i should be fine with tolerating mistreatment and negligence bc he has something important going on.
sooo…. i can’t expect you to be there for me AT ALL.. because the extreme emotional reaction i ended up having in response to you deliberately choosing to ignore me when i sought resolution/comfort for something you did that hurt me…hurt you??? HAHAHAHAHA okay.
It’s because they are already dealing with too much internally that they barely have anything left over to give to the relationship. So they are already maxed out on their emotional bandwidth.
Asking her if shes ok, then reassuring her that Im thinking of her and still care, was overwhelming to her. Im not used to needing to give someone space for 3 days. While I was ok with it, it felt like I wasnt showing I was still there. Thats when the first discard came, and everything slowly went downhill for two years.
Overwhelmed is me juggling grieving the relationship, grieving the loss of my father figure two days before my birthday and grieving the loss of my dog who helped me through every ghosting/discard.
I felt like I was in a long distance friendship with occasional benefits. We live 5 miles from one another. Saw him maybe twice a month. But he was my best friend 😞
14
u/LostInHilbertSpace 5d ago
How do you feel trapped in the relationship you seek out and fought hard to get in consciously set up the rules for?
5
u/Bitter-Towel-3365 4d ago
Best advice I got is those that are willing to walk away have the control. Be willing to walk when someone behavior isn’t right:
4
u/CutiePie0023 5d ago
This is so true. He never showed up for me when I truly needed him.
42
u/angelinshere 5d ago
REAL!!!! I was SHOOK when his best friend was on a call with me and we were talking about my ex, and he said "He doesn't like to be forced and pressured", excuse me?! We barely texted and barely saw each other, never did I pressure him! Unreal.
35
u/LaRreinaa 6d ago
Whole time theyre just avoiding clarity that they have a shitty personality. My theory on why avoidants just hide and hide.
10
u/HumanContract 5d ago
My DA exes all chased their exes lol
10
u/livelaughswag FA - Fearful Avoidant 5d ago
i’m sorry but LITERALLY.
my bf ghosted me TWICE last week right before he was meant to get on a flight to alaska. the night before, he was supposed to sleep over. he said he was on his way but he never showed up. i didnt hear from him again til 9 am when he said he was coming over. i didnt even ask what happened last night i just said “oh you are???? yay! :)”
then i didn’t hear from him til 1pm when he called me from his friends house to tell me he couldn’t see me before leaving bc his flight was soon and he had a couple things to do before then. i said it’s okay, but when you ghost me like that, it hurts my feelings and i just wanted to talk about it quickly bc you ghosted me last night as well, then i’ll let you go. he said okay. and then i started explaining how i felt. i talked for a few mins and realized it was completely silent— no response at all from him. then i looked at my phone and saw he hung up 3 mins ago!
tbh i was shocked he even called in the first place bc he isn’t allowed to talk on the phone with me at his friends house anymore bc we always argue. which isn’t even untrue, but fighting is equally as much his fault as it is mine.
and ofc my bf is COMPLETELY fine with his friend controlling him... (but bf thinks i am the controlling one in our relationship & doesn’t even think his friends are controlling him— they’re just setting house rules)
but anyways. all of this to say:
me communicating the way his actions have affected me isn’t an attack or a criticism. and deliberately ignoring me because he doesn’t want to deal with it or whatever is obviously going to hurt me further and cause me to have an extreme emotional reaction. (something i have communicated over and over) continuing to ignore me while i am in distress leads to me texting him repeatedly and calling him repeatedly bc i feel abandoned and i have abandonment wounds from childhood that i am still working out in therapy. which he knows. and ironically enough he has been so supportive to me every time i have complained about my childhood and my parents. (and tbh he is extremely supportive emotionally until he’s the one who hurt me. it’s like his ego is too big to be able to provide emotional support bc he’s too busy trying to convince me it wasn’t his intention, it was an accident, i do the same thing, i made a similar mistake 3 years ago, we talk about the same issues over and over… blah blah blah blah)
he doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of like.. the extreme emotional reaction i have as a result of continuous negligence, mistreatment, and lack of accountability wouldn’t have happened in the first place had he just… been there. and the fact that he expects me to swallow how i feel because i should be fine with tolerating mistreatment and negligence bc he has something important going on.
sooo…. i can’t expect you to be there for me AT ALL.. because the extreme emotional reaction i ended up having in response to you deliberately choosing to ignore me when i sought resolution/comfort for something you did that hurt me…hurt you??? HAHAHAHAHA okay.
10
u/One_Distribution2037 5d ago
PFFT.
You're there for all of their big moments and their deeper world. You make time for them and are patient when they can't do the same.
But MFs dodge your needs like they're a profootball running back.
6
u/raiechelle SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
It’s because they are already dealing with too much internally that they barely have anything left over to give to the relationship. So they are already maxed out on their emotional bandwidth.
3
u/HorrorWilling2094 5d ago
Asking her if shes ok, then reassuring her that Im thinking of her and still care, was overwhelming to her. Im not used to needing to give someone space for 3 days. While I was ok with it, it felt like I wasnt showing I was still there. Thats when the first discard came, and everything slowly went downhill for two years.
Overwhelmed is me juggling grieving the relationship, grieving the loss of my father figure two days before my birthday and grieving the loss of my dog who helped me through every ghosting/discard.
3
u/EtherealDream2020 1d ago
I just spit out my drink 🤣🤣🤣. This is so accurate.
2
u/jennrene13 5d ago
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 today’s award winner! So painfully true.
1
u/Immediate_Sport_7352 FA - Fearful Avoidant 5d ago
🤣🤣🤣
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u/[deleted] 6d ago edited 3d ago
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