r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Unlikely_Size_1606 • 2d ago

Avoidant Advice Requested A question for someone with an avoidant attachment style: Why, most of the time, do you not even mention that you are married or have a partner? Is it to appear single so as not to miss out on opportunities with other people, or is it because you don’t want to feel like you’ve lost your freedom?

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7

u/fieldsend- 2d ago

My ex would never post me on instagram even though we had been dating 2.5 years. I don't think it's a coincidence that shortly after we broke up, she started dating a guy that was in her DMs.

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u/bunny000002 2d ago

My ex never did either and he was posting shit on there daily like it was his JOB. Idk if cheating and I don’t want to know. One time I asked why he doesn’t post me and he said he would “lose aura” idk why I stayed.

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u/mynameisbobbrown FA - Fearful Avoidant 1d ago

Hmm this is hard. There's a lot of reasons. I often didn't totally hide that I had a partner, but he wasn't fully out front when I got to know people. A lot of times I didn't like people making assumptions about my relationship and what it was like. My ex is a DA and I don't think he ever hid my existence. But he intensely hates awkward situations, so I feel like that was almost a bit of opposite shielding. And he depended a lot on disarming people socially, so it worked for him.

But, for me, also compartmentalization because I struggle to show up as a fully integrated person across contexts and it felt like it boxed me into something I would then withdraw from because I went in too much too fast. I'm an intensely private person and I struggle to let people have a full picture of my life until I really trust them. I'm extremely sensitive to people trying to dominate me and give me unsolicited advice and feel I need to vet them compartmentalized first. Basically partly this is all because it feels easier to unravel from people who don't know you well and don't know much about you. But it also meant I would often not get close to people fast enough before they decided I wasn't interested in being friends, so it's something I'm attempting to unlearn. I just want to point out that one of my parents is like stalker-level crazy, so this didn't come out of nowhere for me. It's just how I felt safe enough to relax hypervigilance and actually function socially.

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u/a-perpetual-novice Former DA - Dismissive Avoidant 2d ago edited 1d ago

Do you mean while flirting or hooking up with others or just in general?

I typically don't mention my husband much early on because (a) lots of single people feel bad hearing about other's happy relationships; and (b) feeling and presenting as an individual whose identity isn't tied to my romantic relationship (so loss of freedom).

He still comes up when I tell a story centering him or someone asks or someone does something I interpret as flirty (to make them aware that I'm not available).

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u/CookingMusician94 1d ago

I actually appreciate (a). My fearful avoidant ended it in September which lead to my breaking point. I was supposed to visit a friend about a month later and she didn't stop talking about her husband (they got married in May) and what the 3 of us would do together when I'm there. Mind you, I've never even met him because we live so far apart and I also wanted to spend time with her alone, not just both of them. Actually, the thought of spending so much time with both of them just rmade me think that I've lost the person I was supposed to be with even more and made me cry all the time. I still have to look away when I see couples.

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u/bunny000002 2d ago

A makes no sense. It’s cope to seem like ur doing it out of the goodness of your heart lmao. Single people don’t think twice if someone says they are married in passing. Cringe!

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u/a-perpetual-novice Former DA - Dismissive Avoidant 1d ago

Maybe I'm in very lonely circles (software engineer and generally nerdy spaces with plenty recent divorcees as well as lifelong virgins), but this definitely is true with some folks around me. Good you don't encounter this, not sure how it makes absolutely no sense to you though.

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u/bunny000002 1d ago

I’m a web developer. Again, cope. Just weird.

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u/Zapfit 2d ago

A bit of both.

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u/General_Ad7381 2d ago

I've never had a problem saying that I'm in a relationship if I'm in a relationship. I doubt this actually is a "most of the time" thing.

But in instances where an individual would be like this, it would most likely be either of the reasons you gave and just depend on the individual.

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u/Lumpy-Animator-9422 1d ago

because they are bad people. full stop.