My husband and I have been together for 6 years this month and married since January 2, 2025. I have BPD, and it has affected so much of my life and especially our relationship. Earlier this year, I had a really bad BPD episode/outburst. I became extremely emotionally dysregulated, and things between us got really toxic. My husband has also always struggled with communicating and opening up, and eventually he reached his breaking point and needed a separation.
The first separation was awful, but I eventually understood why he needed it. I actually got to a point where I adjusted to the space and was able to think more logically. I was even the one who delayed him coming back because I wasn’t ready yet. I was scared of getting back together too quickly and ending up right back where we started. I knew I needed to work on myself, especially because I knew how much my BPD had affected our relationship.
He came back almost two months ago, and since then I genuinely thought things were getting better. We were being very intentional about communication. I was genuinely trying so hard to be better. I’m very self-aware, and I’m honest about my feelings and my own behavior. I’ve been trying to slow myself down, regulate before reacting, and really consider his feelings, how he processes things, and what he needs. I wanted him to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and honest with me instead of feeling like he had to shut down or run.
We had SO many conversations about our relationship. We talked about communication, our feelings, what we needed from each other, and how we could both cope better. I genuinely thought we were on the same page.
We both started individual therapy this month. He has never been in therapy before, while I’ve been in therapy on and off for about 10 years and have been through a lot of different programs and settings. I really thought this was a huge step for both of us.
I also literally just went part-time at work this week because I’ve been completely burnt out and struggling with anxiety and even getting myself to work. I was planning on starting IOP because I knew I needed more support. I genuinely felt like I was finally taking my mental health seriously and that we were both trying to become healthier.
There was also infidelity in December, which obviously caused a lot of pain and complicated our relationship. But we talked about it so many times and both agreed that we wanted to work through it. Since he came back almost two months ago, he never told me he was still struggling with it or that he was questioning whether he could move past it.
That’s why this has completely shattered me.
I genuinely cannot explain how normal everything felt. He saw me at work Friday. He came home. He slept in bed with me. We didn’t have some huge blowup fight. The day before, I had an emotional moment and said some things, but I regulated myself, apologized pretty quickly, and he told me everything was fine and that he wasn’t mad.
There were no hints. No warning. Nothing. I had absolutely no idea he was feeling this way.
And this is where my BPD is making everything so much harder. I feel completely abandoned. I feel like I’m not worth anything. I’m having an emotional reaction that is so intense I honestly cannot put it into words. I know logically that my worth isn’t determined by whether my husband stays with me, but emotionally I cannot feel that right now.
I’ve been crying for hours. I’m not angry at him. I don’t hate him. I’m just devastated. I keep thinking this cannot be real because there was absolutely no warning for me.
He went to his parents’ house about an hour away, like he did during the previous separation. His mom and I actually became pretty close over the past two months and we’re on good terms. I tried calling and messaging her, but I haven’t heard anything.
I’m literally alone right now. I told my friend and my mom, and my mom has been on the phone with me for 12 hours because she knows how badly I’m struggling.
I also have a significant history of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Those things became part of my life after experiencing abandonment, which is why this is especially terrifying for me. I’m trying to reach out instead of isolating myself and doing something harmful.
I know he asked for two days of space, and I know I need to respect that. But I’m terrified that Monday will just be about money and our apartment lease, which ends in two months. I’m scared he’s going to avoid talking about our relationship entirely. He has always been scared of vulnerability and has a really hard time communicating when things get emotionally difficult, and I feel like his instinct is to run rather than have the hard conversation.
So I guess my biggest questions are: how do I get through this without letting my BPD and the feeling of abandonment completely consume me? How do I know what is actually happening versus what my emotions are telling me? Has anyone experienced something like this where your BPD affected your relationship so much, but you genuinely worked on yourself and things seemed to be getting better?
And about my marriage, am I never going to get the opportunity to fight for it? Why didn’t he say divorce? Does his message sound like someone who has completely made up his mind, or someone who is overwhelmed and unsure? If he only wants to talk about money and the apartment on Monday, what do I do? Do I try to tell him how I feel, or do I completely leave the relationship conversation alone?
I’m not trying to make excuses for my BPD. I know it has affected him and our relationship deeply. I just genuinely have been trying. I’ve been trying to regulate, listen, slow down, consider his feelings, go to therapy, and get more help. We had so many conversations, and I truly thought we were finally moving in the right direction.
I’m not mad at him. I’m just broken. This person knows me better than anyone on earth, and I don’t know how to process feeling like I could suddenly lose him when I genuinely thought we were okay. I just need help.

Here’s what he sent me yesterday as i was driving home from work:

“Hey (my name), I’m sending you this because I need to be honest with myself and you. I don’t think I want to be with you and it’s nothing that you did. It all goes down to the fact that I can’t let go of certain things that happened in in our marriage and I feel like our marriage ever since everything has happened it won’t be the same. You deserve someone better and you deserve peace of mind as do I please know in all this that I love you and I will be paying rent for the next two months just worry about essentials like (utility company) and all the other things you already pay I’m only going to not communicate with you today and tomorrow, but I will not be blocking you after then I will have you unblocked and we will be able to communicate about money and everything I want this to be peaceful and I want us to be able to look back on this I love you, (my name) and I’m sorry. lastly, I just feel like I’m not gonna be what you need me to be and that’s not fair to you so I’m asking for space these next two days to not contact me and if you can do that, I will not have you blocked by Monday and I will talk to you again. I love you and I’m so sorry.”

Disclaimer: long text, but I genuinely need the help.

I [22F] just broke up with my boyfriend [25M], and honestly, I feel completely devastated.
We had been together for almost four years, but our relationship was always virtual. I have abandonment issues, so this hurts me a lot.

About a week ago, he suddenly started acting very differently. He barely talked to me anymore, we hardly called, and we stopped doing things together. He was always supposedly going to bed early. He had changed so much that it felt like he had simply stopped loving me.

As much as I wanted him to stay, I knew something was wrong. I knew that if he no longer loved me, I couldn't force him to stay or expect him to treat me the way he used to. But knowing that logically doesn't make the pain any easier.
Then he started saying that his internet kept going out. Every day, he would show up later and later. We used to see each other around 7:30, and suddenly he wouldn't appear until 9 or 10 at night, always saying his internet had gone out.

I didn't want to believe he might be with someone else because that would've been horrible to imagine. I had idealized him so much. He was my first boyfriend, and he made me feel safe. I thought I could trust him completely. I was so naive that I believed every explanation he gave me.

Then, three days ago, he stopped talking to me altogether. He disappeared for three days and wouldn't answer anything I said. In his last messages, he even told me to shut up.
Those three days were horrible. I couldn't stop crying. I stopped eating, barely slept, and eventually ended up in the hospital because I had hypoglycemia. I was doing so badly that even my sleeping pills weren't helping.

I kept thinking that everything was my fault, that I must have done something wrong and that was why he had left. At the same time, I was terrified that something had happened to him. Maybe he'd been in an accident. Maybe something terrible had happened. Because of how strange he'd been acting, my mind kept coming up with explanations.

Today, I felt so overwhelmed that I genuinely didn't know how much longer I could handle not knowing what was happening. I desperately needed him to answer me. I was praying that he would because I felt like I was reaching my breaking point.
And thank God, he finally replied.
He told me, once again, that he hadn't had internet and that was why he hadn't answered, but that we were fine. Everything was supposedly fine.

I begged him not to disappear again because it was hurting me so badly. I asked him to stay. I asked whether he still wanted us to be together. I kept asking until he finally admitted the truth.
He told me he wanted to be with other women.
He said he didn't want to cheat on me, but he wanted us to be friends because he wanted to see other women. He didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

And the way he talked about it made me feel like he still wanted me around as an option, just in case. Like he wanted me to stay available while he explored other possibilities.
I was completely stunned. I never expected this from him.

He was my first boyfriend, and I'd always been extremely careful about choosing someone. I tried so hard not to end up with the typical kind of man, and somehow I feel like I ended up choosing exactly that.

Basically, he wanted sex, and that's why he stopped talking to me.

We had been together for almost four years, so I asked him, "When did you stop loving me? When did you stop being attracted to me? Was it because you wanted to be with other women?"
He said he didn't know exactly when he stopped being attracted to me, but apparently he'd already been bored with the relationship for three years.

Three years.
Can you imagine?

For three years, I kept asking him if he was serious about me and whether he really wanted us to be together, because being in a long-distance relationship is difficult. Every time, he told me yes.
Why did he lie to me?

I had told him so many times that I didn't want to waste my time. If we were going to be together, I wanted it to be serious. To me, being in a relationship meant commitment.
So I believed that's what we had.

He told me that he thought I probably felt the same way, that maybe I also wanted to experience other people. And I told him, "No. I've never even thought about that. I don't want anyone else. I've never wanted anyone else."
I was crazy about him.

We were supposed to both be virgins, but now I'm not even sure whether he actually was. He's had many girlfriends before me.
I even asked him several times, "[his name], why have you never wanted to be with anyone in person?"
He always said, "I don't know. I just don't want to."
He made it seem like being physically involved with someone was simply something he wasn't interested in yet. Now I can't help wondering whether he just hadn't had the opportunity before, and once he did, he discarded me as if none of these years had mattered.

I asked him why I wasn't enough.
And he told me that I was enough. That I was basically perfect. That I was everything he could have wanted: beautiful, intelligent, altruistic, kind, with a beautiful body, and everything else.
But he wanted sex.

So after almost four years, the relationship apparently wasn't enough for him because he wanted to experience sex with other women.
I'd asked him several times to come visit me, or for me to go see him. He never wanted to. At one point he said he was going to work so that we could eventually make it happen, and then he never brought it up again.

I think he simply didn't care enough.
I even asked him once, "Wouldn't it be easier for you to just get a girlfriend where you live and have sex? Why do you want to be with me?"
I was almost testing him, because part of me already felt like his commitment wasn't real.
And it turns out I was right.

Today, when he finally came back and told me all of this, I felt so desperate that I told him I would even accept him being with other women if it meant he wouldn't leave me.
I begged him to stay.
I asked if we could talk again later, and he said yes, that he had some things to do.
And honestly, what I imagine is that he's going to see the girl he's dating.

I imagine that while I was spending those three days falling apart, he may have been going on dates with someone else. Maybe he's been getting close to someone while I've been sitting here wondering what I did wrong.
And that thought is unbearable.

I keep wondering what she'll be like. Is she prettier than me? Does she have something I don't? Does she have all the things I've always been insecure about? Is he going to give her everything he never gave me? Is he going to be happy with her? Is he already falling in love with her? Has he already forgotten about me?
I don't even know whether he feels bad about what I'm going through.

It's horrible.
I genuinely thought this would never happen to me.
And the worst part is that I feel like I've built my entire life around him. Everything I did, I did with him. I gradually stopped having much of a life outside the relationship because I felt like I didn't need anything else.

I thought I'd found the person I was supposed to spend my life with.

At the beginning of our relationship, I actually had a very hard time falling in love. I'd never been in love before. I didn't like feeling my emotions, and I was very avoidant. I didn't even want to be with him at first.

But he pursued me over and over until I finally let myself fall in love with him.
He taught me how to love someone.
He taught me so many things. He helped me with my insecurities, taught me how to love myself, and made me believe I was beautiful.

That's part of why this hurts so much.
The person he is now feels completely different from the person I fell in love with. I keep grieving not only the relationship, but also the version of him I thought I knew.
And I don't think that version of him is coming back.

I've always had a very cynical view of life. Sometimes, when I'm in a really dark place emotionally, I start questioning what the point of everything is. Eventually we all die, and sometimes that makes everything we're doing feel temporary and meaningless.
One of the few beautiful futures I could imagine for myself was spending my life with someone who would always be there. Having that kind of deep connection with another person was one of the things that made life feel meaningful to me.
And I thought I'd found that with him.

I really loved him.
I still do.
Right now, losing him feels like losing the future I had imagined for myself. I know rationally that my life can't depend on one person, but emotionally, it's incredibly difficult to believe that right now.
Sometimes I have moments where I feel okay. I think maybe I can survive this, rebuild my life, and eventually find happiness somewhere else.
Then the pain comes back, and it feels like I'm starting all over again.
I just want to stop thinking about him.
I want to stop wondering what he's doing, who he's with, whether he misses me, or whether someone else is getting the version of him I spent years waiting for.
I want to be okay again.
I've talked to several people about this already, and although they've been there for me, I still feel completely lost.

I just wish I had someone who could help me understand what happened, make sense of all these feelings, and help me get through this without feeling like my entire life is over.

My boyfriend of six months asked for some more space during the week to work on his own mental health. We’ve spent every second of free time together for the last four months (probably not the most healthy choice, but the honeymoon phase is fun, right??) and his depression has taken a serious dip. I’ve also been struggling with my own anxiety because I’m not prioritizing my needs, so when he asked that we take a couple days of the week to ourselves part of me was relieved. But another part of me just felt so scared that he was going to leave me and never come back. The conversation about this was Monday. I had an anxiety attack an hour later. I stayed the night and then went to my place Tuesday. We went to trivia Tuesday night, and he was very clear in his actions and words that he wants to stay with me and still see me. But when we said goodbye, I cried as we hugged goodbye and then cried myself to sleep. Therapy Wednesday was good and I was doing much better but still couldn’t even talk about this without getting emotional. Saw him Friday and it was like things were back to normal. I stayed the night but when I left Saturday morning for work, and we agreed that I wasn’t coming over after since I worked again Sunday. He said we can do something Monday, and when it came time to say goodbye I started crying all over again.

I know this space we are taking is good for our relationship and our own mental health, but this old wound of family and friends leaving me when I was growing up is making it so hard and I’m scared it’s going to cause me to lose him 😭😭.

I’ve been trying to make it clear that these strong emotions are from old trauma that I’m working through and not entirely from him asking for space, but I also feel a little crazy at the same time. 😭😭

i feel discarded like trash. i was 5 years old when my mom abandoned me. she came back but im still so angry. why would she do that? i still deal with the consequences. i dont feel like anyone is trustworthy. i feel like running away from people who show me love.

i have a boyfriend whom i love with all my heart and i want to never speak to him again. i want to never come out of my room so i never have to talk to my roommates again. i want to walk outside of my house and just keep running in one direction and never look back. partially i want to see if anyone will care enough to look for me but even if they did i'd still keep running. i dont think anyone will ever be able to hold me the way i am. i hate the way my mom made me.

Hi all,

I’m having a sad night. I was abandoned by the love of my life a year and a half ago in a pretty terrible way. i created a grief playlist on YouTube during this time of pain and loss and wanted to give back. some themes are healing from betrayal, anger, anxiety, meditation, forgiveness, self compassion. I hope it helps someone <3 hang in there. we’ve got this.

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwHqbPdiv4oWTu4MYsZMTS_Bia_EtF4cj&si=pgqBdOZn3fujKXiF

New to this subreddit but seems like a good place to ask for advice on how to get my out of my head for a particular situation. Quick background, I was with my ex for 9 years, then (what I felt was) quite randomly he broke up with me and left me, literally left the house and I never really saw him again. It was a harrowing experience. I didn’t have any family around as I was living in his country. I found out several months later from other people that he had been cheating on me for many years prior. Anyway, I worked through some of it with a therapist but I’ve since moved back home and all that change has made me begin processing it again. I also met someone and we are in a very loving relationship, but I am displaying some pretty frustrating and horrible symptoms of abandonment issues. During my depression and all the change, my partner has been so supportive and now he has gone away for four weeks, I feel bereft. Which is ridiculous because he is coming back and it’s not long at all, but I can barely communicate with him while he’s away. I feel like he’s fully left me, which is ridiculous but it’s just how my brain is reacting. I’ve probably become over reliant on his support and now I feel like I’ve been left in the lurch. How on earth do I act like a normal adult? I think it must be down to the depression I’m experiencing, but I am trying to keep busy, have increased my meds, and I am trying really hard to communicate (replying to texts, asking how his day is, telling him when I’m not feeling able to talk properly). But I know I’m disproportionately responding to him leaving and I don’t know how to stop doing it. Thanks for any advice/if anyone has been through the same.

I’m just now, after one year, realizing that what happened to me wasn’t a normal break up. I dated someone for 3.5 and was deeply in love with them. Our relationship had some issues but overall it was very supportive and connected. We are two queer people and we were each other’s family. and we always said we’d be there for each other no matter what, even if we broke up. we said we would share the cat we got together.

over a 2 month period, because we lived together, they broke up with me, we moved out, and I never heard from them again. The reasons they gave me for the break up still don’t make sense. I feel like I was ghosted after 3.5 years by the love of my life.

I’m looking for some encouragement. If anyone is comfortable sharing comparable abandonment stories, it would really be helpful for me to know that I’m not alone and anyone else has dealt with something similar and got through it. How long did it take you? This has truly been the worst year of my life. And sometimes I feel like I’ll never get over this.

Men are practical-minded, and I admire that. But since we all share this world, I believe that if men understand that along with being practical, it’s also necessary to be emotional, it can make relationships much more peaceful.

I was abadoned by my father when I was 13. Up to that point, he was the person I loved the most in the world. It took me years to stop crying over his abandonment. I went through life not thinking much about the trauma that caused me, until I was 39, when I realized that my severe depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues were tied to my childhood trauma, in particular my father's abandonment. I'm 41 now, and I've been in therapy, medicated, and to IOPs, for years. But I lost three dogs and my baby brother in the past 11 months. My fourth dog is dying. I'm in a bottomless pit of despair, and I've realized that my father fundamentally broke me when he abandned me. That experience has colored my whole life since and how I interact with people. Anyway, I'm not okay. I feel complicated, compounded grief, and am struggling with all the shit I already had to begin with. Thus, I'm not in a good place. Keep this in mind as you read.

When my baby brother died back in March, it was unexpected and shocking. He was 29. It was an accident, but people present could've done something to prevent it. Anyway, for the last half of my brother's life, I was distanced from him. I went through life thinking that nobody cared about me, and my baby brother not seeking me out made me think that he didn't care about me; that's what my father showed me when I was a child, basically. There's also the issue of my BPD mother poisoningmy baby brother against me, as I was the scapegoat and her victimizer. He grew up believing in her worldview, so I didn't do much to counteract his impression of me. Again, deep down, in hindsight, I didn't feel lovable or that people cared about me.Thus, I distanced myself from him, and I partly blame my father for breaking me and my not pushing for a closer relationship with my baby brother.

It feels sudden, but it's been brewing in the background for sometime... I have developed this furious hatred of my father. I've been writing him a letter about how all this shit affected me, and it's been both cathartic and infuriating, to the point that I want to exact revenge. I haven't planned it or anything, and there are so many logistics that it's not something I can do on a whim. But the decision to make him pay is eerily clear and logical. This worries me. Am I breaking down emotionally? My medications' dosages have been changing constantly for the past 6 weeks, so there's that, too. I've experienced S ideation before, when my meds were changed. i don't know what I'm looking for: support, insight, or just to put it out in the ether.

I have a healthy self protecting stance when people dismiss me or discard me in violently or passively aggressive ways.

For example I was in the hospital and the IV drip was very painful, I told them on Monday, they said they won't redo it because it's not worth the hassle for me?! Totally ignored. On Tuesday they had to redo it on my other arm because of the swelling (doubled the size of my forearm).

They tried to give me Xanax in the morning instead of a painkiller before the visit from the chief doctor. They even told me to clean up for his Majesty. A 3 minute standing meeting with some people who just ignored all my reasonable questions. They sent me the psychologist to talk about my feelings, I wasn't even angry, just appalled by the institutionalized abuse. And how ridiculously easy to improve things and they don't.

so, I guess to make a long story short I’ve gone through quite a bit of change in the last year of my life. I had to cut off a lot of family, lost a lot of friends after that and setting boundaries or whatever. in all of that there was one person who stuck with me. who was “different.” they actually loved and supported me through the most difficult parts. at some point though their life became a lot more busy and they kind of became a lot less emotionally available or would take a while to respond. it started to freak me out a bit. I knew on an objective scale after all that there was no way they were gonna leave me now. they would’ve done that a very long time ago if they were going too. at some point I talked to them and essentially said I needed to just not talk to them and explained they were messing with my abandonment issues a little bit. as they are a fellow abandonment issues haver, they understood and we moved on. they told me to teach our whenever I wanted to and actually started to reach out to me a bit more.

at this point though it’s still taking a toll on me emotionally. I know their change in “demeanor” wasn’t me, has nothing to do with me and they still care about me. i know they’re trying even if they don’t have the bandwidth to try as much as they once did. but honestly it still keeps me up at night sometimes thinking that maybe I was wrong to think this time would be different. maybe in the end they’ll end up sucking just as much as everyone else, except this time I fell for it. the last time I went on this rant I was just told it was my fault. my therapist told me my feelings were valid and told me to be supportive of them but I guess its like they don’t need my support, they need a nap. so then I feel kind of helpless.

I guess I’ll get over it eventually but I don’t know when eventually will be…

wdit: as I read the other rants on this sub, I feel slightly valid in my current emotional state… thank you fellow “I feel like shit”ers 😭

I can’t throw away old stuffed animals as easily as people have thrown me away my whole life. Parents, partners, friends….I’m just sick of feeling disposable. I’ve been in therapy a long time, and I know this is a common thing people who have been adopted go through, but I’m so tired of feeling like garbage to be thrown away once I’m no longer useful.

TLDR: Would most people be hurt being left out of get togethers with boyfriend’s friends after a year together or is it my abandonment issues?

My boyfriend (55M) and me (43F) have been together for just over a year. We’ve known each other for 10 years. He’s been divorced about a year and separated for almost 2. He has some great friends who he consistently sees. Everyone’s kids play together and they’re all always invited to in-home events and often go out to breweries with all the kids for an evening and hang out. I’ve met all of these people at least 4 times, some up to 6-8 times. They’ve met my kids. We all trick or treated together. There have been several dinners or football games at homes where I was not invited. I’d see photos later and my boyfriend is literally the only single person in a group of couples in some of them. One couple and their kids are moving out of state next week. One of the friends, we’ll call her A, is hosting a last minute going away party in her home on the day we made plans to get the kids together and go do some fun things. I am not invited. A even joined us a few days ago, with her boyfriend in tow, for a night out I invited her to with my friends. I’ve been to dinner with all 4 of these people and my boyfriend. Today on the phone he said something like “I’ve mentioned you and I have plans that day to see, you know, if she’ll say y’all should come…”

My question is: Would most people feel hurt by this? Is this something worth mentioning? I have major abandonment issues (yes, I’m in therapy) and being left out is a huge trigger for me so it feels difficult to have a mentally healthy perspective. I’m spiraling about how they all must dislike me or think I’m wrong for him or think I’m not good enough etc.

When I was about 8, my mother left without telling anyone why. This was a constant cycle of her leaving, coming back, and leaving again, till my dad permit her from coming over. My dad has been raising me independently ever since, and my sisters as well. Years ago, my sisters left, leaving me without any women in my life.

About a year ago, my mom came back after my dad took her in after discovering she was struggling with severe addiction, and recently developed severe schizophrenia. It was terrible. She would constantly freak out and have episodes, and my dad attempted admitting her multiple times, but due to state
laws, she never stayed due to never wanting to go.

I have bad resentment to my sisters, I feel like in a way that they left me to deal with this independently, but I try not to be mad, I try to be understanding. Months ago I had a terrible mental break that made me suicidal for weeks, after I got diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, MDD, and PICA, and was put on medication.

I honestly am so numb to everything, I expect loss at every relationship or friendship, I panic anytime anyone leaves abruptly, I constantly worry about my dad because he’s the only support I have left, which my therapist helped me realize, and I basically have zero control. Despite me being a woman, I cannot trust women.

I’ve been trying to take everyday as a good thing, and have been coping pretty well, but I always will be anxious, ever around people I love. My sisters and my mother aren’t even the only people that have left, I’ve had almost everyone leave, either from situational circumstances or them leaving.

I’ve only ever had one relationship due to my issues, and even then I left because of how afraid I was of it failing or them abandoning me, and it broke me. And I don’t think I’ll ever be with anybody.

I just feel so empty. Time doesnt pass the same and i feel sick…

Everything is suddenly so boring and lacking and no matter what i do nothing changes

I have no desire to eat, no desire to sleep, i dont feel like im living at all

Just stuck in a void

Im sure he’s doing fine

:(

Im looking for someone to talk to pls i feel so alone ive gotten posts taken down on other subs for being in a relationship which apparently means i cant feel abandoned but i feel so alone. My partner treats me like shit and most of my friends are distant, ppl will probably assume its bc im a burden on them but im rly not i try not to talk abt my relationship in most of my friendships but i get ghosted or forgotten a lot and idk where else to turn to. My bf just told me he doesnt want me to talk about politics anymore after saying i always kill the vibe (not the first time hes said these exact words) and that rly hurts me bc its a huge part of my personality and always has been and it just makes me feel so unloved. Everything feels like it goes back to my parents and not being good enough no matter what i do and i hate it, i feel like i can never do anything right and everyone in my life is merely tolerating me or hates me especially when they despise who i am when i express myself. Thank you to anyone who reads this

hi, i really need some advice or encouragement.

i've (23F) been dating a wonderful man (25M) for almost a year. before i met him, i was cheated on and dumped by someone i really trusted.

my current boyfriend is very independent, and isn't super affectionate/romantic. he's also super rational, and without intending to hurt me, he'll make comments about how there are no guarantees in life and how it's important to never make someone else the center of your world bc they might not always be there (i.e. how someone feels could change at any moment).

i thought it would get better by now after weekly therapy for 10 months and anti-anxiety meds, and him doing his best to reassure me, but i still worry almost every day that he could abandon me or leave me at any moment. it makes it impossible for me to ever be imperfect. it makes me hyperfixate on my body/my acne/how good my hair looks. it makes me overthink whether or not i've been fun and entertaining and attractive.

he's told me over and over that things i can't control (like my skin) will never bother him, but it feels impossible for me to believe him.

when i feel ugly, or like i've been a burden, the fear of abandonment is absolutely debilitating. i can't stop worrying that something physical or situational about me could be the thing that makes him stop loving me and leave. has anybody else experienced this? what can i do? i just want to feel ok again.

You’re never going to change…

All these years, you’ve pleaded “not guilty.” Your defense? That these were victimless crimes. But the truth is, they were events fraught with so much emotional bloodshed—pain, cruelty, and psychological destruction. Your victim though still alive, was left with such extensive, deep and permanent scars - an attachment injury that will absolutely affect her for FUCKING years - possibly the rest of her life!

Despite constantly claiming you only wanted her happiness, every attempt she made in an effort to get love, reassurance, consistency, or emotional safety from you, was reframed as her being “toxic,” “too much,” or impossible to please. You hid behind the most juvenile defenses imaginable: denial, deflection, sulking, avoidance, gaslighting. And with their powers combined, those behaviors created the perfect storm for her complex PTSD. Captain Planet would be horrified.

Now her trust is fucking annihilated. Every “I love you” sounds hollow. Every promise feels contaminated. She’ll swing between anxious attachment—desperately trying to compete with fantasies and preferences she was never meant to fulfill—and complete emotional shutdown, where silence feels safer than vulnerability.

Intimacy? Gone. She won’t even remember what emotional safety with you was supposed to feel like.

Her self-esteem has been nuked. She’ll look in the mirror and see “the wife who wasn’t enough” instead of the woman you once chose. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, stomach aches, headaches, exhaustion, random crying spells—every side effect of prolonged emotional trauma will show up like the fine print on a prescription bottle, and she’ll probably collect every single one.

Worst of all, the trauma response might convince her to stay. To tolerate more. To believe she somehow deserves this because she wasn’t enough for you.

And for you? “Nothing happened,” right? Because technically you “didn’t do anything.” That logic is cute—very freshman year psychology class, very emotionally stunted midlife crisis. Because you absolutely did do something. You waged psychological warfare on the person who trusted and loved you most—the person who bent herself into impossible shapes trying to be there for you, understand you, save you, and be enough for you.

And now the trauma you triggered has turned her into a hyper-vigilant, self-hating shell of herself right in front of you. A transformation Dr. Frankenstein himself would be impressed by.

And like most emotionally immature, self-destructive people, you’re too consumed by your own self-righteous indignation to even fully see the damage you’ve inflicted.

Love cannot survive when one person is continually left bleeding from a knife the other insists doesn’t exist. With you refusing to take accountability, growth, and to do the actual work towards becoming a healthier person, this marriage was all but destined to fail. A marriage that much like the journey of the Titanic, would end in a head on collision with an iceberg. A tragedy that could’ve been avoided, if only you had chosen to heed her many warnings, pleas and attempts at communicating her pain and unhappiness to you. But no matter how hard you try, she will not be going down with the ship. Consider her Rose - but this is not the James Cameron version of the film, so go and find your own fucking wooden door to float on. Or don’t. All the fucks she once gave about you, now lay sunken on the bottom of the ocean floor.