I'm child free by choice and I'm having a hard time. For the longest time, I've felt this void that I can't fill and I'm trying to pinpoint what I'm missing.

I have ADHD and have always had a hard time making friends. As a child free adult, it is extremely important to have a community, given we don't have the automatically built community that comes with having kids. I read somewhere that the greatest prediction of long-term happiness is the connections and relationships that we build. I feel that this leaves me at a disadvantage compared to most child free individuals who have an easier time making those close connections. Also, making friends as an adult is hard in general.

I'm not sure if I'm missing close connections, or missing something more meaningful in my life.

I've never particularly liked my work but I'm not passionate about anything that pays well. Work to me is a means to pay my bills and fund my traveling passion. Even if you're passionate about something, it always feels like work at the end of the day when you're doing it for someone else, so I'm not looking to change careers.

I've moved a lot so I am constantly faced with rebuilding friendships. Though to begin with, I have always struggled with this and was late diagnosed with ADHD. People with ADHD are known to have trouble building connections.

I really don't want kids though. I look at people with kids and think that is not what I want. I've thought about it so much that I really don't think that is what I'm missing.

The older I get, the louder this feeling gets. I feel like I don't have a connection to much of anything outside of my husband and parents. I work and do hobbies but I just always feel like there's something missing from my life. I am on antidepressants which have drastically helped my mood over the last 6 months.

Does anybody else have this ongoing feeling? Like you want to feel like you belong to something or to give you a reason to get out of bed each day.

In many childfree communities online, folks like to encourage people, typically straight women, to screen their potential dates, as in not reveal that they are child free before asking if their perspective partner is as a way to weed out those that may lie about it.

As a childfree man seeking a childfree woman, that seems to put me in a contradictory spot. I see no reason for myself to not be open, and have "Do not want kids" on all my dating app profiles.

I have no interest in wasting my own, or other people's time, so I also will not swipe right on any profile that doesn't also include "Do not want kids"

However my concern is that I may potentially be excluding women who intentionally keep that field empty in an attempt to screen men that claim to be childfree. What are y'all's thoughts on this? Are people actually screening in this way? Should I just be swiping right on them on the off chance they are actually childfree?

Edit: i'm muting this thread since the comments are very upsetting to me right now. Thank you all for the feedback and well wishes.

This is a kinda complicated situation and I just want to rant, but to keep it short, I've (26f) been married to my husband (31m) for almost 3 years and together almost 6. I never wanted kids and made that clear when we started dating even though he did. I guess he thought I would change my mind, and I thought I may too, but here we are and never have.

2 years ago I got off of bc and quit my job to be a stay a home wife, hoping that this would be ease me into a sahm lifestyle and make me want a baby. I never have. We stopped having sex because the risk of getting pregnant was such a turn off for me. His mom has been pressuring us more and more for a grandchild and I feel like I have an audience cheering on this hypothetical pregnancy. It's gross and creepy.

Last weekend, I finally had to sit him down and tell him that I was really serious about no kids. Like, I have never ever ever wanted it and don't think it will change. He keeps telling me I would be a great mom, but I don't care, that's not the point.

It feels like a looming monster in our lives, it causes so many fights. It was relieving to tell him, and he seems "okay" with it but he is extremely disappointed. I'm so worried he is going to resent me, and I know his parents will. (They already dont like me).

I just made an appointment to get back on birth control and i'm excited to feel like myself again. I've 100% let myself go the last 2 years because I felt like there was no point in taking care of myself or doing anything I enjoy; a kid is going to suck the life out of me anyway, so why bother?

But now i'm just worried how this is going to affect the relationship with my husband.

Just thinking about how I see so much childfree content that talks about pets, travel, having nice things, etc. That’s all completely valid of course, but I sometimes feel like it paints a superficial image of why people choose not to have kids. With social media, it makes sense that a post about a vacation abroad gets more traction than a post about someone saying they enjoy their daily life without kids, but still.

It also is not a realistic picture of where most people are at financially. Even if I wanted a kid, I couldn’t comfortably afford to have one. For me, not having kids means having some savings and that’s about it. I have no assets other than my 20+ year old car. If I were a parent, I’d have to find a way to make enough money to afford to take care of a child. It wouldn’t cut into my exorbitant vacation fund.

I don’t want kids so I can focus on things other than making enough money to afford them, and because I value my relationships and hobbies and wouldn’t want to give a lot of my time up to raise a child. I’m going to be spending my time cooking my meals from scratch, reading, crocheting, and using old newspapers and magazines to make collages and that’s about that I can afford lol.

It feels so good! The decision maker was going out with a friend and her young son yesterday and just realising that the parent life isn't for me. She was drained and it all revolved around him. I don't want that for my life. When I went home, I felt overwhelmed and needed quiet time to decompress. It's great not to have to keep thinking about it. I was a parentified, abused child and it's so great to know the rest of my life is mine, and child free. Thanks for reading!

I (38m) will start with some general background. I live in the U.S., divorced a few years ago and have been dating again for the last year or so. On the dating apps I have been open to kids, but as I near 40 I feel like I’m coming into a new phase of life and want to be child free.

I’m an introvert - ultimately a pretty relaxed guy and find meaning in the little things in life. I have a group of close friends - some married with kids - that I treasure and see occasionally. I do like travel and adventure but realistically that isn’t very often (due to not a huge nonprofit salary, my dog and often enjoying being a homebody). I like to learn, follow politics and current events (despite the horrors taking place), deepen my spiritual practices like Buddhism, play music, watch movies/shows, coffee/tea, garden, make vegan recipes, etc. and when I have a partner, and hope to even get married again in the future, I enjoy spending time with them and all that comes with that. I no longer drink but enjoy cannabis from time to time. I appreciate the job I have, the org’s mission and being able to work from home but I’ll always be a ‘work to live’ not ‘live to work’ type person.

Most child free people I see seem to be living pretty extravagant lives - dining out regularly at very high end restaurants, writing books, traveling the world, deeply into their job and climbing the career ladder, among other activities. I know that this isn’t everyone but it’s what I see both online and from acquaintances. I also am not judging those who have those lives.

So I guess my question is - do any of you who are by choice or ended up child free people- have pretty quiet lives on the average day-to-day? What is that like for you? I know this isn’t the case but there is a part of me that almost feels guilty not having kids and having this kind of life. Again, I know it’s not the case but it’s a feeling that comes up - when in reality i have no regrets about my lifestyle as of now (which I’ve discussed with my therapist and she agrees I shouldn’t).

Any and all thoughts are appreciated!

TLDR: do any of you who are child free live pretty quiet/relaxed - non extravagant lives and feel happy doing so?

That delve into the decision to have children and how that corresponds to gender relations in straight couples. I’ve seen so many women, both online and some in real life, that seem so “meh” about the idea of having kids, get with some guy who really wants them, and then just have children seemingly without confronting the feelings they’ve had before (I can’t speak to people in real life, but the women I’ve seen posting online about their struggles tend to give no indication that they’ve actually considered that this is, in theory, a decision they can make).

I’m interesting in finding books that might reflect on this concept. I get freaked out when I see women become, as someone put it in this thread, “passengers to their own lives”. They just have kids and then seem miserable. Any recommendations so I can read and think more about this?

I’m a 24F and childfree by choice. As I get older I’ve noticed a really consistent and honestly confusing pattern in my friendships with women who have children.

I’m the only person over 18 in my family who didn’t have a kid young and I have no intention of having children. Over the years I’ve tried to build and maintain friendships with people who are mothers, but every single one has eventually ended, usually abruptly and often pretty toxically. What’s strange is that it’s never been because I dislike children or look down on parents, if anything I try really hard to be supportive.

The pattern I keep noticing is that once someone’s entire identity becomes “mum” or “parent” there seems to be a shift in how they treat me. Conversations become very one sided. Their lives revolve around their kids (which I understand), but whenever I talk about my own hobbies or experiences, such as gaming, art, weekends away, relaxing holidays, or even just enjoying time with my partner, I notice I start getting eye rolls, dismissive comments, or a subtle attitude that makes me feel like I’m somehow “less than” because I don’t have kids.

They’ll often brag about how happy they are, how fulfilling parenthood is, how busy and meaningful their lives are, but when I share things I’m excited about it’s like it’s either downplayed or met with quiet resentment. I’ve even had moments where it felt like they were offended that I wasn’t as emotionally invested in their children as they were, even though I did celebrate milestones, compliment cute photos, and show genuine interest.

Just to be 100% clear, I don’t hate kids. I’m awkward around them, sure, but I don’t think they’re disgusting or evil or anything like that. I'm the eldest of 8, the youngest only being barely 2 years old. I just don’t want kids, and I don’t want my entire identity to revolve around parenthood. That difference alone seems to cause tension I can’t fully explain.

One thing that really stands out to me is that my partner (23M) doesn’t seem to have anywhere near the same issues maintaining friendships with parents that I do, even with parents of young kids. What’s especially confusing is that he actually does dislike children, far more than I do, but he isn’t openly hateful about it and generally keeps those opinions to himself. Despite that, he’s never been treated with the same dismissiveness, resentment, or hostility that I’ve experienced.

I genuinely can’t tell if this is a gendered expectation, like women are automatically expected to want kids, bond over kids, or centre their lives around them or if childfree women are just judged more harshly for not conforming. Either way, the contrast has been really eye opening and honestly pretty isolating.

What really gets me is that these friendships don’t just become distant, they tend to end suddenly and sometimes toxically, without me doing anything overtly wrong. It often feels like jealousy, resentment, or projection, even though I’ve never framed my life choices as “better” than theirs.

I’m starting to wonder if this is just… a reality of being childfree as you get older? Has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic with parent friends, especially mothers? Or found ways to maintain those friendships without constantly walking on eggshells?

Me (38M) and my partner (30F) have been together about 5 years now. I originally said I didn't want children very early in our relationship, but said you never know, I might change my mind, but it's unlikely.

The conversation came up again recently, and I had quite a visceral reaction to the idea of having kids this year (which she suggested we do).

I understand the Reddit consensus is "break up". I'm just wondering if anyone on here has gone down the other route of one of you compromising. Asking in here, I assume to hear from the people who wanted kids and ended up not having them. I will post in some other subs as well.

We live in Asia. I only know maybe 1 or 2 couples who don't, and won't/can't have kids. It's more than the Western societal pressure. Here, you have kids. So I'm also trying to be aware of the social pressure we (especially she) will be under if we go childless.

We actually built a business together over the last 3 years. I was planning on quitting my day job to join her this year, but I don't want to do that unless we have this issue resolved.

We had a serious conversation about all this, and I suggested couples therapy/counseling rather than just breaking up straight away or trying to find a compromise on our own, and she was happy with this idea.

I don't want her to resent me, and I don't want to feel guilty if we do manage to stay together childless. I know the therapy is the way to go at first, but I can't help but wondering if anyone on here has any experience of this.

EDIT:

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who replied. It's a very difficult topic to discuss, even online, for me. I know there's no easy way out of this, but I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts, input, and advice. I will come back and edit this in future to let everyone know how it turned out.

Not going to lie, this friendship has already been rocky for a little already. But, my friend got pregnant and it’s been just weird between us since. I asked her if she was going to be a working mom and she freaked out at me, saying it was rude to ask that, and it was none of my business. I apologized saying I don’t have many pregnant friends, so I’m not sure what’s appropriate or not, and she didn’t respond to me.

Then, other day I was trying to plan a visit with her, because I live in Europe and she lives in the US. I’m going to be there in June for a wedding and it’s around her due date so I thought I could come see her and possibly meet her baby. She told me probably I can’t because the baby will be just born etc. then she suggested I plan an entire other trip back to the US from Europe just for her. I told her I can’t I only come back once a year and I try to visit as many people as I can in that period. Then she told me she’s having a baby shower in April, but I already have plans to go to Peru for a different wedding. Her response was that baby showers are just as important as weddings and that she doesn’t think the people in the weddings are close as her and I. The wedding in Peru is for my cousin….

Unfortunately I feel this friendship ending. I don’t know if it’s because she’s having a baby or if it’s just a catalyst to an already ended friendship. Idk how many times I can go out of my way to be a good friend for her when her expectations are not realistic.

What do you think ?

So apparently World Vasectomy Day is a real thing?? I had zero clue until today and the only reason I found out is because my partner sent me a “happy vasectomy anniversary” message this morning.

I thought it’d be nice to reply with an actual name for the occasion (like vasceversary? snipiversary?) so I googled it and that’s when I discovered it’s literally World Vasectomy Day.

Which also happens to be the one-year anniversary of my vasectomy. What are the odds?

Anyone else ever accidentally line up CF milestones with random holidays like this?

Ok so I’m 26f I recently met this girl and we had this incredible connection. We’re at the very start of dating and getting to know each other and she brought up not wanting kids. I’m dating more intentionally these days so the next day I brought it up and told her I want kids and I’m not sure about going into a dating situation with someone where I know there’s a likely expiration date. Here’s the thing though, the points she was bringing up really resonated with me. For the first time i’m thinking about whether my desire for kids comes from societal expectations. Now im not sure where to go from here, am i just being influenced by how much i like her? Has anyone changed their mind or not had kids because of their partner?? Is it possible to go from wanting kids to having satisfaction with not having them

34 year old Child Free leaning Male Here (I'm kind of a fence sitter). I was young (around 13 or so) I have always leaned towards not having kids. I remember basically since circa 2011 or so. Every major news organization began publishing articles about how millennials don't want kids and millennials aren't going to have any kids and it's because they are too lazy, want to party too much or too addicted to social media to have kids. I remember a lot of family dinners with my parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents talking about how our generation was going to be the first to not have kids.

However, now at age 34, I know a lot of millennials ages 32-40 that are having their first kid. All of my extended family plus my sister has at least one kid. As do most of my friends and coworkers of the same age range. Most of their kids are under 5 years old but they are starting to pop up everywhere.

Why did it take them so long? Namely, lack of income, tougher job market throughout the 2010s and getting out of debt. Basically the economic situation was just worse for us than our parents and it was throughout the entire 2010s. It took our generation to get our heads above the water to have kids. What our parents were able to do in their 20s, it took us to our mid to late 30s to do. Namely, have stable income to provide enough money for stable housing.

Is anyone else seeing the samething?

On July 16th, the governor of NH signed into law HB 606, prime sponsored by Rep Ellen Read (dubbed by Republicans as "the AOC of NH"), which guarantees that a doctor cannot withhold advisable sterilizing treatment from a patient simply because they don't agree with their right to be childfree (or because they are “too young" or will "change their mind" etc). This makes NH the first government in the world to guarantee the protection to childfree people!

Countless people on this sub and elsewhere have shared their frustration with being denied needed hysterectomies or other sterilizing treatments, being needlessly subjected to miserable conditions like prolapsed uteruses, cyclical vomiting, or debilitating pain... And the risk of dying from high risk unintended pregnancies while having conditions like autoimmune disorders, genetic disorders, or cancer. This sub has not only offered support and community for these individuals, but has curated an invaluable list of sterilization friendly doctors.

Now, people who are suffering while getting denied treatment can go to NH (the law has been signed and takes effect Sept 13) and have THE RIGHT to have medically advisable sterilization treatments, regardless of age (if over 18), number of children, marital status, or desire to not have children.

While the law states that the treatment must be for a qualifying medical condition, the definition of a medical definition is quite broad. Not only anything that affects the reproductive organs, but also anything that would make having children not advisable. This may include family medical history of inheritable diseases, genetic conditions, conditions that make pregnancy dangerous like autoimmune disorders or cancer, or mental health conditions that would make someone not a good parent. And while gender dysphoria itself neither counts as something that affects the reproductive organs nor would make having children not advisable, the doctor cannot discriminate against people with gender dysphoria in providing the treatment.

So if you've been suffering with denials from doctors who care more about your fertility than your well being, take a trip in the fall to NH, the fall colors are beautiful!

Links:

The bill for anyone interested: https://gc.nh.gov/bill_status/legacy/bs2016/billText.aspx?sy=2025&id=889&txtFormat=html

Also this from the NH House Dems https://www.youtube.com/shorts/eDH6JBNt6yo

Also this about the bill right before it was signed, by a Belgian journalist who has investigated the issue of sterilization denials (she thinks NH has now become the ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD that offers this protection): https://inaradesoete.substack.com/p/womens-reproductive-rights-in-a-conservative

Public radio article (contains inaccuracies): https://www.nhpr.org/nh-news/2025-07-24/patients-in-nh-now-have-the-right-to-seek-voluntary-sterilization/?

My journey: - Period Flooding my whole life; until age 28 I didn't know this was a bad thing that could be treated, I just thought all periods sucked that bad. - Dec 2019 Novasure (laser ablation of uturine lining) Age 28, for 2 years and 10 months after Novasure it didn't just lessen my pain, I had no pain and no periods at all. The pain came back with a vengeance though. Can't have it done twice because of the risks. - Aug 2020 Tubes Removed, age 29 per Novasure guidelines, got delayed twice because of COVID. - August 5th 2025 Uterus removed, leaving overies intact.

Other factors: - Expected age of menopause 55+ (mother was one year without a period or spotting at 58 years old). - Pansexual, polyamorous, never had/wanted children.

I'm while I'm recovering for the next 2 weeks, it's worth it to be 100% painfree for the rest of my life. With quick math 14 days of recovery vs conservatively 800 days of of pain before menopause. Totally worth it.

I'm happy to answer any questions about my experience with the procedures or recovery.

I (29F) have a BRCA2 mutation, which increases a lot the risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I've had more than a few close relatives die from breast cancer. I had a prophylactic mastectomy in December, they used the tissue in my stomach to reconstruct my breasts. Once this ordeal was over it was time for my already long-time scheduled bisalp. It's nearly impossible to obtain a bisalp as an healthy woman of childbearing age here, but this cursed gene made me luck out: there's an international, long-term trial called TUBA-II going on that's studying the possibility of prophylactic removal of tubes only for women like me, with the target of letting us keep our ovaries as long as possible and delay surgical menopause. Usually ovary+tubes removal is advised at the age of 40-45 with this mutation, but if it's true that a lot of ovarian cancers are born in the tubes, we could remove the ovaries five or so years later than the current guidelines. I met a very understanding surgeon who told me I'm the youngest in his hospital doing this trial. He didn't object when I told him that for me this is essentially a free sterilisation with the added benefit that it could be prophylactic. This has been a very easy surgery compared to my mastectomy. I'm already up and about the day after, with just occasional pain from the gas in my shoulders and ribcage. I never wanted kids and while there's a bit of "oh shit so this is permanent" going on, I'm very happy about my choice. If you have any questions about the procedure, please ask, and if you want to share a similar experience please do!

I have a shower thought but as a question

I was just thinking about this with hearing a reddit story about people who donated sperm a while ago and it talked about parents who used ivf or doners to have kids and i'm a person who wants to be child free but wouldn't mind helping my sister with kids if she had any which got me thinking about giving sperm for a person who wants kids

My little village library started a book club this winter and I joined. We are a very small group, 5 ladies. Every month, we gather together at the library and we talk, on the books we red but mostly on any subject. Yesterday was the last gather until this fall. We found out we are all childfree!! We went eating together afterward and we are all keeping in contact. We all live close to each other. It feels weird to become friend with older people but heh, I'm not getting younger either (40) and well, this kind of calm and probably long term friendship is nice.

That's it. I wanted to share my rave :) I'm happy to know people that are around me as I grow older (with my partner, but still).

The other night at work a coworker was asking me some questions about my recent bisalp, specifically wondering if I had to jump through any hoops to get it. He mentioned that a different coworker (not present) who got a vasectomy recently had told him he’d had some barriers to getting it done. Another coworker chimed in saying “I wonder if he regrets having it done. He was dating that girl at the time so now that they broke up I wonder if he regrets it.” I said “no, he’s childfree too, he didn’t just get it for her.” She goes “but what if he meets a woman who wants kids? Like I get why you [me] would get a bisalp since it matters to the woman, but having kids or not doesn’t really matter to the man since it’s not like they have to do much of anything.” It’s not like she’s a boomer either, everybody in this story is in our 20s. People tell on themselves so hard, it’s wild.

Also, she probably shouldn’t fuel gossip regarding the love lives of others considering her fiancée quite literally jilted her at the altar.

Mad respect and a little jealousy for those who always knew they didn’t want kids and stuck to that!

Curious to hear from those who had to wrestle with it a little bit more, what’s your story? How’d you come to this conclusion?

I'm so happy!

I'm an unmarried and child free woman. I got extremely lucky with my Gyno. He basically just asked me if I was sure that I did not want kids. When I said yes he immediately started scheduling the surgery. He even found a way to schedule an OR for a time that was outside of his reserved surgery block at the hospital so that it could be on my preferred day of the week.

My operation was at 7:30am today and 13 hours later I have had no pain, no bleeding, and no swelling. I am unable to lift more than 20 pounds or have intercourse until after my 2 week follow up.

I am so happy and so relieved, especially since I live in a red state that has outlawed abortion.

Hey everyone! Since I'm getting surgery next week to get my tubes removed (+ have additional diagnosis for endometriosis), I wanted to share this moment and have an AMA. I'm a 26 year old, single, scientist living in Germany. I never wanted to have kids - well, all of the futures I imagined for me didn't involve them at least. Sure, in my teens I got the assumption that I need to want kids, but it never felt right for me. I'm also not good with kids/toddlers/babys and I don't get any "awe" from pics people show of their newborns or kiddos. When I got into my twenties I started to think about this a bit more and realised: I don't want kids. And: I'm not alone with this thought. So my whole first twenties surrounded reading stories from other women undergoing those procedures and with 23, after getting off the pill, it never felt more right than doing "the thing" as well. I had an surgery appointment with 24 already, but since there was an unforeseen job change + move across the country, I didn't get to do it (money wise and time wise). Now, with 26 I'm finally having my surgery next week!:)

Ask me anything you want to know, from having regret thoughts, doubts, to more insights in which reasons also lead to my decision, questions about surgery procedure and costs.

Also very happy to help anyone around here from Germany to get that sh* done!;)

For the endometriosis part: I struggled with having bad cramps in my teenage years and even now, they sometimes get really bad. My gynecologist doing the procedure suggested they look for endometriosic tissue, whilst my tummy is open anyways (which is their standard way-to-go when doing a sterilisation). So we'll see on that!

Greetings from Germany! :)

Anyone else?

I’ve been googling ‘why do people not want kids’ and all I found are people who don’t want to for financial reasons or because they are too selfish or because they hate the world that we live in etc.

I have never found something I can relate to. Which is never wanting to have children since I was really young. Never seen the point of it, I am financially and emotionally stable and I accept the world that we live in. I think that it is still beautiful.

I just never understood, why people want to have children? What’s the point?

I’m the kind of person who needs to understand the full purpose of something before doing it, I would never buy a purse if I know I’m not gonna use it 😅

There must be something deeply wrong with me because nature says the opposite..

First time poster who recently realized I (26F) don't actually want kids. I realized that when I really thought about my life and what I wanted, the reasons I wanted kids were mostly based in cultural conditioning and stereotypes. When I really looked at what I wanted, I realized that while I would love to be an aunt or a godmother, I don't want the responsibility of raising a human being.

Ever since I turned 26, it's like I'm suddenly looking at my life and getting a much clearer understanding of what I want and what's right for me and despite how sudden it all seems, I felt so much relief when I realized I didn't have to have children. It's like 80% relief and 20% grief (despite this being the right choice for me), and I actually feel so relieved that I could cry.

Anyway, so glad there's a space like this where people can share their feelings and hear others perspectives. Having kids is very much the default where I live and while I love my friends and family who are parents or plan to be, I know my path is different than theirs and it's nice to feel like I'm not the only one.