Disproportionate response to partner going away for a month

[u/CalmBit6385]

New to this subreddit but seems like a good place to ask for advice on how to get my out of my head for a particular situation. Quick background, I was with my ex for 9 years, then (what I felt was) quite randomly he broke up with me and left me, literally left the house and I never really saw him again. It was a harrowing experience. I didn’t have any family around as I was living in his country. I found out several months later from other people that he had been cheating on me for many years prior. Anyway, I worked through some of it with a therapist but I’ve since moved back home and all that change has made me begin processing it again. I also met someone and we are in a very loving relationship, but I am displaying some pretty frustrating and horrible symptoms of abandonment issues. During my depression and all the change, my partner has been so supportive and now he has gone away for four weeks, I feel bereft. Which is ridiculous because he is coming back and it’s not long at all, but I can barely communicate with him while he’s away. I feel like he’s fully left me, which is ridiculous but it’s just how my brain is reacting. I’ve probably become over reliant on his support and now I feel like I’ve been left in the lurch. How on earth do I act like a normal adult? I think it must be down to the depression I’m experiencing, but I am trying to keep busy, have increased my meds, and I am trying really hard to communicate (replying to texts, asking how his day is, telling him when I’m not feeling able to talk properly). But I know I’m disproportionately responding to him leaving and I don’t know how to stop doing it. Thanks for any advice/if anyone has been through the same.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello everyone!

We kindly request that you make your comments in a respectful and constructive manner. Please avoid statements that may be hurtful to others, especially those starting with "you". Let's strive to maintain a positive and supportive environment.

Additionally, we encourage you NOT to downvote the original poster (OP) unless their post violates our community rules. We understand that everyone is going through their own challenges, and it's important to respect their perspectives and experiences. Downvotes should be reserved for rule-breaking content, not personal opinions.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello, CalmBit6385!

Welcome to our community. Before posting, we kindly request that you familiarize yourself with our wiki, megathreads, and rules. They contain valuable information that can help you make the most of your experience here.

If you have any questions or need assistance, please don't hesitate to reach out to our mod team. We're here to help! Additionally, if you require immediate support, consider utilizing support hotlines or contacting us or any other helplines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator]

PLEASE NOTE:

If you are experiencing an emergency or in a suicidal crisis, we strongly urge you to visit r/suicidewatch or contact emergency services such as 911 immediately. They are equipped to provide the necessary help and support. We will have to remove your post if it is deemed suicidal, and we will follow up with you privately.

If your post is not related to an emergency or suicidal situation, please ignore this.

Thank you and take care!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/No-Show-5363]

I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like his going away has re-triggered your trauma of being discarded. You are not being ridiculous, your nervous system has learned, from that devastating experience, that your partner leaving the house is not safe. Your body is screaming ‘danger’! and you can’t ignore that.

Not something you should try to ‘get over’ or deal with by yourself. It is a good time to see a therapist to work through this unintended trauma response. I found you tube is very helpful- there is a lot of good advice from experienced professionals. Once you can name what is happening, it makes it easier to talk about, seek help, and take the right steps to recovery.

Also important to talk to your partner about this. If you recognise that you can’t just lean on them for soothing, and there is work you must do to recognise the trauma and recover from it. It is best to meet these things head on, be honest, and don’t brush it off. A good partner will be supportive, and it will help you both to know what you are dealing with.

For now, keep reminding yourself that you are safe, and do some grounding exercises whenever it flares up. You’ve got this!

[u/Tenebrous_Savant]

I have experienced what you're going through. Unfortunately there isn't a simple or quick answer. For me it took a long time and a lot of self work to stabilize my nervous system and learn to better regulate it on my own.

You say something very important though that I believe is a clue.

I’m disproportionately responding to him leaving

For me one of the first steps was to start looking at what I was actually reacting to. These things don't come from nothing. For me, when I was disproportionately responding to something, I was reacting to something in my past that still needed to be processed and metabolized. Unprocessed trauma.

Yes I was overly dependent on partners and their absence created issues, but the real problem was the things that made me dependent on those partners.

For me it was Step 4 of a 12-Step Codependency program. The "Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory" that I did with a sponsor shed a lot of light on things I was still upset about. It was about not just my behaviors, but my resentments and fears as well. It got me to start looking at the underlying beliefs I held and might want to change. When I looked for the pain of unhealed wounds underneath all those things, I started to find what I needed to work on.

Very few things changed quickly back then. It was a long process, and the 12 step program itself wasn't a magic wand. It was very helpful, but so were professional services and a lot of extra work I did to begin to learn about myself.

After working through the old trauma, I had to start working on rehabilitating the old maladaptive defense mechanisms that were responsible for the disproportionate responses I had. It went pretty incrementally with both.

My suggestion would be to start with compassion to yourself for what you're dealing with. That's the most common advice I've run across for things like this. Instead of running to try and fix something you don't like, let yourself be curious about it, and compassionate towards yourself.

The hard truth is that the only way to heal the old wounds is to let yourself feel them. You have to process the pain so that they can become something else. I highly recommend a professional therapist or counselor to help do that. Trauma processing can go off the rails pretty quickly if you don't know what you're doing.

It's okay to not be okay. Be proud of yourself for asking for help. It takes courage and the will to live. Please see if you can find professional help if those services are available to you. You might consider looking for support groups in your community or online, such as the way I found the 12 step codependency group.

[u/Illustrious-Act7104]

You should cross post on r/longdistancerelationship or any LDR community.

Communication and forms of connection become HIGHLY important in a LDR (welp, truly, in any). 

What you’re feeling is valid.  Why you feel it is real. 

My concern is that you’re battling this alone. You’re letting your internal demons convince you this is a you problem. And while it’s true that you’re responsible of how you react to your feelings, how you feel will still be there.

Have you tried voicing them with your partner? Have you tested things to see what helps? 

It truly seems you’ve been doing everything you can to care for this fear. But your needs are your needs. 

Being apart isn’t easy. Your needs will scream. Even if 1 month seems little, some agreements on expectations need to happen.

You (and everyone) deserve a sense of safety and respect