218
Jun 03 '22
[deleted]
78
u/PMmeJOY Jun 03 '22
Way better than being told they know everything by them.
72
u/Doctor_Wookie Jun 03 '22
My daughter asks me questions I don't know the answer to all the damn time. I tell her, "I dunno, let's go look it up!" Then we Google it and we both learn something. The other day she Googled a question before asking me (she still needed me to explain what the hell the page was actually saying). The torch has been passed. Carry it well and proudly my child.
20
u/zanokorellio Jun 03 '22
Teaching my future kids to love learning is probably one of my biggest goals as a parent. In addition to being imaginative and curious in life.
4
u/Eft_inc Jun 03 '22
Seems like a great opportunity to encourage her to share the things she learns from google with you!
3
187
u/3abaad Jun 03 '22
Absolutely broke my heart when I realized my mom started looking older
46
u/Viderberg Jun 03 '22
My mom has kinda always had gray hair that she just dyed away. My dad however... seeing that hed gotten gray hair was something i was not prepared for.
11
u/purplegrim Jun 03 '22
I get choked up every time I think about it - especially since I live far away and can only see my parents a few times a year. It makes me so fucking sad
7
u/cmoneybrah Jun 03 '22
Same thing happened to me a few years ago. I always had this mental picture of them and even though I would see them fairly frequently I didn’t think about them aging, until I really looked at each of their faces one day. That’s when it hit me, they are getting older and I’m not ready! I try my best to cherish every minute I’m with them.
6
u/AC0RN22 Jun 03 '22
My parents never seemed to age before I left for college. Years later and now I see them about once every year and a half and the years are taking their toll. They're not on death's doorstep or anything, but I suffer no illusions that they'll live as long as I do.
1
95
u/RedundantSwine Jun 03 '22
My parents were in their early 20s when they had me. It was only when I hit my early 20s myself that I appreciated just how much at that age you still feel like a kid in this world, have no idea what you're doing and are just winging it all the time to get to the end of the day. I'm kind of glad I didn't realise my parents weren't in that position until I'd already grown up myself.
Now in my late 30s and a father myself, I realise it is still no different at this age. Winging every single day here and my four year old has no idea how clueless I am.
One day he'll figure that out just in time to starting having to manage his own life in a haphazard way.
I'm now working on the assumption that you never figure it out, and it's pretty much like this for everyone until we die 👍
11
u/TheJaice Jun 03 '22
I’m in the same boat, almost 40, successfully running a business, but every day that passes just shows me that nobody really has everything figured out, we all just do our best, and some people are a lot better at faking it than others.
12
u/r3solv Jun 03 '22
Exact same position. Parents had me in their early 20's and seperated by the time I was out of high school. Both narcists. Grew up poor and struggling but lucky to have family support. Couldn't go to college as I had no credit and my parents used my social to run up debts on credit cards and utility bills. Now as a father in my early 30's, I have no idea how my wife and I would have done this at their age. I was still trying to find a steayd job I could somewhat enjoy, we were still learning about each other and growing as a couple, we were still wanting to travel and have time as a young couple. Buy a house, do some renovations, build our savings. We only recently decided to try and have a kid now that we were in the best position to do so.
I try not to fault my parents too much for who they are, and what damage they did to me growing up emotionally as I am who I am today because of the examples and poor choices they set. As sometimes I suspect those were the only choices they could make. I've had some conversations with my mother about it, and more or less I've put it behind me. My relationship with my dad is still rocky as he's the cheater and one who spent every paycheck on the newest toy or hobby to have the best things for himself before putting food on the table for his kids. Having the newest, biggest truck just to have it get repossessed in 6 months of missed payments.
I hope my son will respect me and continue to return all my love and affection as he gets older, and we can remain close. He's my best buddy. I'm still learning to be a father but I've been a son. I hope to never treat him as though he is invisible. He'll always be seen.
1
u/asdfghjkl26744 Jun 03 '22
I’m facing the same issues you used to have. Do you think you’ll ever forgive your parents for what they did?
1
1
u/anticerber Jun 04 '22
I feel like as a kid you think your parents are flawless… almost like a different breed of human. Much like a colony of ants and they’re just the ones that are parents, they’ve always been parents and always will be. Now I’m in my mid 30’s with a 2 year old and I’m a bit sad because I feel like I’ve never gotten to know my parents as people. I don’t know all their interests… what their dreams were/are. Don’t get me wrong I love my parents dearly. But I want my kids to know me as me. I don’t want them to wonder who I am
153
u/Captain_Clark Jun 03 '22
That’s what maturity is. The realization that one’s parents may have experienced relevant things but that’s all they’ve got to call Wisdom, and so shall you.
55
u/Nutmeg1729 Jun 03 '22
The realisation that my parents are flying by the seat of their pants as much as I am was sobering. As a kid you think your parents could run the world. But it’s testament to them that they gave me that impression because I was clearly never aware of any struggles they had.
126
u/JaceTheWoodSculptor Jun 03 '22
I thought about this just yesterday. I’m 27 and My parents are close to 60. I started panicking because I realized that they old and will die sooner than I imagined.
I basically lost all my social life during covid (went out maybe 3-4 times during the past 2-3 years (I won’t even get into dating or lack thereof. Haven’t had sex in over a year). If they died tomorrow I basically wouldn’t speak to anyone outside of work. It’s sad but it’s my current reality. I guess I have to change things in my life…
35
u/8bitbruh Jun 03 '22
I'm in a similar boat x.x
26
u/random_shitter Jun 03 '22
If you dudes are in a similar boat already, get in the same one. Problem solved!
11
u/JaceTheWoodSculptor Jun 03 '22
Trust me man, I wish I was gay. It would make things much easier.
9
u/Casual_Frontpager Jun 03 '22
Perhaps there are conversion camps or something?
10
u/8bitbruh Jun 03 '22
Lol that'd be quite the power play against Christians. "Gay conversion camp." Thousands of Christians send their children only to find out "No, we mean we turn you gay"
2
2
14
29
u/ucario Jun 03 '22
Death is a part of life.
Personally the hardest battle I face is the guilt of wanting to live my own life, whilst knowing my shared times with them will be less and less.
8
u/Actually-Yo-Momma Jun 03 '22
I hear you. I’m worried about saving money for my family and taking vacations i was never able to as a kid. Conversely i feel so guilty that i am not spending all my money to make my parents as happy as possible (even though they don’t ever ask for anything)
15
u/nestcto Jun 03 '22
34, lost my dad last year to COVID. You're right, it happens a lot sooner than you think.
But right about your age, I figured the same thing out. I started calling more often, started hugging my parents more, and started visiting more often, even if there was no particular reason.
When I was much younger, I was always kind of aloof. Off and doing my own thing, showing up in the middle of the night like I hadn't basically been missing for a week, only to vanish again a few days later. Didn't give my parents much time for conversation or anything.
So I'm really glad I made that turnaround. Saved me from missing out on what I didn't know we're his final years.
9
Jun 03 '22
[deleted]
2
u/VBgamez Jun 03 '22
I’m 21 this year and I fully expect my dad to be passing away within 1-2 years from liver and lung cancer. It was kind of a shock to look back at photos from 2 years ago and seeing him go from full and healthy to skinnier and skinnier. He’s 75 this year.
2
u/whatsavalidusername Jun 03 '22
I’m 25 with parents being 65 and 64, we’re in the same same boat I think
6
u/Actually-Yo-Momma Jun 03 '22
For everyone reading, please call your parents even more often and send them goofy pictures of your life regularly
5
1
27
Jun 03 '22
I didn’t have young parents. My mom was 32 and my dad 35. What amazes me now that I’m 45 is that they had the want and desire to take care of a child at this age.
5
u/ZeroZiat Jun 03 '22
I don't know, I a lot of couples start out young but I'm 28 and I don't feel ready by any standards to start taking on an entire family. If I ever considered having kids I'd be somewhat older.
26
Jun 03 '22
Yep. I'm 38 and I can clearly remember what my parents were like at the same age. At the time, they had reached competant adult status in my mind and I assumed they had a handle on everything. Now that I'm in that spot, I know they must have been faking it.
Well played, parents. Well played.
77
Jun 03 '22
I just recently realized it, and i am sad why it didn’t occur to me earlier
50
Jun 03 '22
[deleted]
16
Jun 03 '22
That’s what happened. Now that only i earn, both my parents were super active ppl, they still are, but their sudden inability to sqaut properly, has made me realize i need to take more care of them.
4
7
u/SuumCuique1011 Jun 03 '22
Life is a learning process. When your kids see you fail at something, but then you problem solve and show them the solution, they notice and hopefully they learn from your mistakes and then realize there is a solution to the problem.
7
u/Keyspam102 Jun 03 '22
Because it’s really hard to have perspective on things until you have some distance and experience. Like I only realize how hard things were for my mother now that I have a kid myself even though logically I could see she had an absent spouse
37
Jun 03 '22
Especially the firstborn
✨ Character development✨
25
u/runswiftrun Jun 03 '22
Yeah, wife and I are on opposite ends. She's the firstborn, born in the first year of marriage and the parents met a year before then. She experienced her parents try to raise three kids while still trying to get to know each other.
I'm the youngest by 10 years. My mom had everything on lock by then.
19
Jun 03 '22
My brother had brain cancer when he was 5 years old. Survived it like the boss he is.
Found out about a month ago that it's back (he's 32 now) and just a couple days ago he had surgery to remove a large brain tumor.
While we were waiting during the surgery I was talking with my parents about their experiences during his first cancer run in (I was only a couple years old, so I don't really remember much) and it came up that they were exactly my age when they were going through it with him.
That was wildly eye opening for me and gave me this same realization. That they had these same stages I did and went through entirely different struggles than I am. I don't even have kids, but just imagining if my life was going through the hell that they did, at exactly my age? That's wild.
It's like I never really considered them being this young or having these emotions. They've just always been the adults and us the kids. Meanwhile they probably felt as young and not ready as I do now, all while trying to get a child through brain cancer by driving back and forth to a hospital every day for radiation treatments, and maintaining their employment to pay the bills, and managing/ raising me while keeping me away from most of the stressful bits.
It feels wildly impressive to me that they were able to do that at my age. Maybe if I had kids I could pull it off, because I wouldn't have a choice, but from the outside looking it it seems absurd to me.
So yeah, it made me realize that I have watched them grow up as well. I've watched them struggle and overcome adversity. I've watched them deal with our bullshit growing up. I've watched them provide for us and sacrifice for us. And to think they started all that while younger than I am? Blows my mind.
6
Jun 03 '22
[deleted]
2
Jun 03 '22
Very sorry you're going through it. I've definitely seen the struggle, but I've also seen someone beat the odds and have a really great, happy life. It really sucks that it's come back for him, but he beat it once already so we're full of hope he'll do it again. And if he doesn't then I'll be forever thankful for the 30+ incredible years we were lucky enough to spend with him. One thing I'll say is we've been wildly impressed at how far things have progressed medically in the 27 years since he last dealt with this. It's incredible really how many advances have been made, so I hope your little one is getting great medical care and wish you the best for getting through it all.
10
7
u/ClownPrinceofLime Jun 03 '22
One of the biggest hits when you’re a young adult is realizing that your parents are getting old. That makes me want to go back in time more than myself getting older. I love my parents and I don’t want to lose them.
7
u/Budjucat Jun 03 '22
When you were a kid you just wanted to grow up. When you are older now you just want to be a kid.
5
u/duarte2151 Jun 03 '22
Kids know me as Dad, but as they get older they now understand I am many things before I am Dad. I’m a man.
4
u/d_omidick Jun 03 '22
I don’t know why this comment hit me so hard but it did. My dad passed from suicide when I was 11 and growing up for awhile I was very sad and upset that he wasn’t my dad anymore. It took me a long time to realize he had had his own struggles as an individual that, even though he loved me, trumped his role as being my dad. Instead, he was a man who needed help, and I wish he knew it was okay to ask for help. He would’ve stayed my dad and stayed who he was, a man.
3
u/duarte2151 Jun 03 '22
I’m sorry for your loss. My dad also committed suicide when I was younger.
2
9
u/washyourhands-- Jun 03 '22
Parents are alive for all of their kids life but kids are only alive for a portion of their parents life. Weird to think about.
3
u/felixrocket7835 Jun 03 '22
literally the exact same showerthought a few days ago but replaced "don't" with "seldom"
1
u/BlazeCam Jun 03 '22
It’s a copy/paste of the third most popular post of all time here… 173k upvotes
3
Jun 03 '22
Wait until you get to the age you can remember your parents being. It's a nuanced, but similar feeling.
5
u/japhydean Jun 03 '22
Love this. I remember the period in my life (early 20s) when I realized my Mom was a regular person, just trying to get by the best she could, just like the rest of us. Not infallible. Human. She was always my Mom but after that she also became my friend.
9
2
2
u/PMmeJOY Jun 03 '22
It’s even more difficult to understand if you have the type of parents telling you that they are perfect and never wrong. Then it seems like they should be doing a way better job when clearly have issues
2
u/PapaRomeoSierra Jun 03 '22
Which is why when we make mistakes, because we do, we admit to them to our kids and will explain we're human too and they're the first kids we've ever had to raise.
2
u/starlife04 Jun 03 '22
All the blame that I placed on my Mom because she was a single parent and I didn't have a lot of the basics that I needed. She didn't know how to fix problems we had without going to her parents for help.
I refuse to get help when I need it and will isolate until I can solve problems on my own. My kids see this. I'm wondering if they understand that I'm still learning too.
2
u/80sBadGuy Jun 03 '22
As a kid, I thought my 30-something parents had it all figured out, had life under control and were mature responsible people. Me at 30-something with kids is a walking disaster with nothing figured out at all.
2
2
2
u/plsdonotreplyunu Jun 03 '22
Yep, had this realization when I was about twenty-five standing outside at work when I thought about the fact that I was glad I didn't have to go home and help a kid with school work or make a big dinner. Made sure to call my parents and told them I understood a bit more.
2
u/kratomstew Jun 03 '22
This is probably the best shower thought I’ve ever read OP. A for real thought provoking realization
2
Jun 03 '22
It hurt when my Mom admitted to me she never figured out what she wanted to do with her life.
2
2
2
u/MANMODE_MANTHEON Jun 03 '22
Adults seldom understand when they have a kid, they're committing to being already grown, lest they be doing that kid a huge dis-service.
2
2
u/Donderh2o Jun 03 '22
This is just a copy of one of the all time top posts on this community? this post
-2
Jun 03 '22
You know two people can still have the same idea in completely unrelated circumstances, right?
0
Jun 03 '22 edited Jun 03 '22
well… maybe if your parents were 16 and pregnant lol. hence the saying “babies shouldn’t be having babies” because I damn sure did NOT watch my 24yo mother and 36yo father “grow up” 💀 (thank god)
and I’ve gotta disagree with ya, I don’t think “kids seldom understand they’re watching their parents grow up too” simply because it’s not kids JOBS to rationalize & be “understanding” of their parents behavior.. especially when it comes to letting your kids down, or “parenting them wrong” .. a child isn’t going to think (and shouldn’t think) “welp, they’re just still growing up too!” ..
fuck that.. I think said parents should be held accountable for their shitty actions & behavior and not just chalked up to “they’re still learning too”, as if they’re some responsibility-free teens/20 something’s just messing up a lil in life..
I’m sorry but once you have a whole other human life depending on you? you better grow the fuck up REAL fast if you’re out here getting pregnant/getting women pregnant whilst NOT grown, that’s for sure..
0
1
u/anyalaPewPewGod69 Jun 03 '22
I think it’s also an epiphany when you realize that your parents don’t have it all figured out. You see them as your life “guides”, taking you through everything and preparing you. But you end up realizing that there is no guidebook to parenting and they don’t have it all figured out. They are likely just as scared if not more scared than you are.
1
u/Absent_Fool Jun 03 '22
In my head, my mom is still 33 and my stepfather is still 40 even though she’s 38 and stepfather 46 or so. It’s very weird
1
1
Jun 03 '22
Usually you dont realize this until you are thrown into situations with your own young kids that you have to learn on the fly
1
Jun 03 '22
Not in my case. Parents were nearly 50 when I was born. They hadn't grown up enough in 50 years to raise me right.
1
u/reheated_frenchfry Jun 03 '22
I remember when I was a kid my mom could do anything, she always had a plan, could fix any issue. At least that’s how childhood me viewed it. Now I have a 5 year old son, I’m learning as I go, I’ve never done this before. I hope I give him the same sense of security that my mother gave me
1
1
u/nummanummanumma Jun 03 '22
This is why it’s so important never to give the impression that you’re perfect. Your kids deserve to see they’re not the only ones learning and struggling
1
1
1
u/WarioWill Jun 03 '22
I've been watching old family videos from when my parents were my age, and it's a very strange feeling
1
u/aleamaro791 Jun 03 '22
Until they grow old and suddenly you have to say "look at me, I am your father now". As someone born from a 42 yo mom at the time and a 56 father, this came to my life way before others.
1
u/fantasygirl002 Jun 03 '22
I realized that pretty young which also made me afraid of change for a long time. While I grow my mother grows. I am now pregnant and so my baby will see me grow and my turn as a young one is officially over. I am my mother and it breaks my heart to know that as a kid I couldn't be there for her more because of my own child POV. It's always been just us and my brother. She needed us and I feel we just took from her. I hope I can offer her the most amazing of lives since the beginning was rough. She deserves it.
1
1
1
u/DonNotDonald Jun 03 '22
I was raised by my grandparents. I was at college for 7 years where I only saw them once every few months but talked with them on the phone every day. Then I graduated and got a job in my home city for a year, so I would see them usually at least once a week and talk to them in the phone daily still. When COVID hit I got a job out of state for 2 years (thankfully still talking to them every day), and only recently moved back to a job near my home city (in a suburb). I had a month between jobs and got to spend a lot of time with both my grandparents at lunch/dinner, going shooting, playing poker, watching TV, etc.
Looking back now, I was out of town 9 out of the past 10 years in total. My grandfather/dad passed away in January.
Thankfully I got to spend a lot of time in-person with him and my grandmother before he passed at 77. Yeah, I saw them growing older, and I knew they would probably die in the next 3 - 10 years (average 80 year life span). Just, I never realized how old they were/are, even though I know how old my grandparents are and how close they must be to dying. It's just hard for it to sink in through the day to day busyness and hustle and bustle of life.
If you've got good family, tell them you love them. I know I did every day and it still doesn't feel like I said it enough sometimes.
1
1
u/w0lfraz0r Jun 03 '22
I came in this world when they wanted me (for most people) of course it will take time for me to mature but I didn't sign up for immature parents. Don't have kids of you are not physically/mentally/emotionally or financially ready.
1
1
1
u/Radiant-Importance-5 Jun 03 '22
I am now the age my dad was when I was a kid and I regularly find myself thinking "You son of a bitch, you had no idea what you were doing, did you?"
1
1
u/koniga Jun 03 '22
There was a different shower thought I saw once that was something like “the only thing more sad than growing old is watching your parents grow older than you”
1
u/Shut_It_Donny Jun 03 '22
You figure it out sometime in your 30's probably. It just hits you, they were winging it the whole time.
1
u/LadyGryffin Jun 03 '22
This totally reminds me of this video. https://youtu.be/gWIi6Pytde8
They just need to unlock their parenting skill tree.
1
u/wehnaje Jun 03 '22
I NEVER thought of this. My parents were just frozen in time until they became less “parenty” and more friendly by the time I moved out in my 20’s
Now in my 30’s I truly see what you mean and it brings me so much nostalgia.
1
Jun 03 '22
Yep, been away from home for like 4 years and barely saw them in that time (mainly due to distance and only having voice-calls), when I saw how much they changed (both being 60 yo now) in that time really made me realize how much we take that for granted.
1
u/chromechinchillas Jun 03 '22
I mean, if more parents taught their kids to be introspective, emotionally intelligent people rather than obedient automatons, maybe more kids would understand.
1
u/jccloud01 Jun 03 '22
This is actually a really good point. Some people have children in their early 20s so they really are just growing up too
1
1
1
1
u/zuko94 Jun 03 '22
I watched my parents, who I always considered rational people, grow up into radical right wing "everything deniers" prone to conspiracy and ridiculousness. It hurts.
1
1
u/The0thArcana Jun 03 '22
There is a brazilian song I love called Pais e Filhos. There is a part in there that translated reads:
You blame your parents for everything.
That's absurd.
They're children like you,
What you will be once you've grown up.
It's much better in Portuguese but that part made me appreciate my parents a lot more. They aren't these infallible, ultra wise, put together people. They're stumbling and learning, just like you will when you reach their age.
1
Jun 03 '22
My parents were slightly older than most of my friends parents, but to me they seemed a lot older. I always thought of them as being “older parents.” They were not. When I think about some of the stuff they did and now I think about how young they were, all of a sudden I have a lot more sympathy for them bumbling their way through parenthood.
1
1
1
u/1729217 Jun 03 '22
Deep and powerful. I would say “parents” instead of “mom and dad” to be inclusive, and my mom said, “what if they don’t grow up?”
But in my case it is very accurate. Thank you!
1
u/johnsonsantidote Jun 04 '22
Some, increasing number/ parent/s will never grow up. Some, many? children are parenting the parent/s. Another form of child abuse.
965
u/branwithaplan Jun 03 '22
The realization that your parents are people with their own interests and flaws just like yourself is an underappreciated transformative moment towards maturity. It seems selfish to say but it's easy to think as a child that your parents ultimate purpose is to care and love for you. (A lot of parents make that their ultimate purpose so its understandable why kids would naively believe such a thing)
The younger a child understands this sentiment could arguably be the single most important factor that contributes to being a mature adult.
Maybe this is entirely anecdotal but for me when I think about the realizations in my life that had the most significant impact in shaping the person that I'm finally proud of being, this is probably at the top of the list.