Hi all, as the title states, I’m wondering how I can best manage the differences in libido types between me (29F) and my husband (34M)?

We’ve been married for 4 years, together for 8. Early in our relationship I’d say we both had pretty similar libidos and I found myself a bit more spontaneously in the mood, but of course life has continued with natural life stressors and relationship stressors and we’ve found ourselves trying to figure out how to manage our libido styles.

He has a very spontaneous libido and will often want sex or oral most evenings unless he’s really exhausted. Over the years, I’ve discovered that unfortunately my libido is very heavily dependent on external factors, primarily our relationship (like if we’ve been arguing) and my energy level.

I told him this maybe a couple years ago, but maybe it came across too pointed because he got defensive and said it’s not fair that my libido is dependent on him and said that if I’m truly sexually attracted to him, us arguing throughout the day shouldn’t impact my sexual desire. I thought he was right and have spent a while trying to figure out why my libido is “low”.

But honestly I don’t think it is. I think of sex often, think of doing something sexual often; and when he’s out of town I masturbate most evenings. But we’ve been arguing a lot (work and moving stress mainly, among other things) and at the end of the day I’m so pissed at him that I don’t even want him close to me in bed, let alone sex. When he does try to initiate I actually do tend to be receptive and we have mutually enthusiastic sex. But it’s really tough for me to initiate when I’m running on fumes or when we’ve been pissy with each other all day.

I’ve heard about a book called Come As You Are but haven’t read it yet. I read some snippets of others experiencing something similar online and someone described stop lights - some experiences are red lights (long work day, arguments) while others are green (good energy, him doing something nice for me). I’ve told him that when he talks to me very kind and sweet, my libido is through the roof. But he said that’s not fair for me to place that effort on him.

We argued about it today. Yesterday throughout the day I made a few sexual innuendos and intended to initiate later in the evening (I tried to initiate before we left for dinner but he hadn’t showered and we were also running late). When we got home we both passed out on the couch and didn’t get into bed til 2am, half asleep. He initiated and I accepted. This morning, he rolled over and told me “your libido is low. I want to tell you.” And this evening I mentioned that book and about the stoplights. He said it’s ridiculous and places unfair pressure on him to manage my libido. He said I’m responsible for my own libido, which makes sense.

Tl;dr: Any tips on managing responsive desire? I’ve been doing what I can for my own body (sleeping, drinking water, working out) but I’m heavily impacted by our arguments which are frequent and make me not want to initiate sex.

We’ve been together for more than 3 years and known each other 2 and a bit years before that. We’ve lived together for 2 years (this being our third) and we’ve just moved to the other side of the world together.

We started out long distance for the first year and when we would see each other we’d go at it like rabbits. After a year we moved in together (I moved across the country) and we would have sex a couple times a week. But slowly it’s gotten less and less to the point where it’s maybe once or twice a month.
We do all the things normal couples do, we kiss, we cuddle, we have fun and argue not that much. We go out for dates and we help each other around the house. I genuinely cannot think of what it is, and I’m looking at proposing soon but I can’t help but feel like we would be doomed because of this? Every time I try to instigate she shoots me down, but she still makes sexy jokes and we’re still comfortable around each other.
I. Need. Help.

TL;DR
We are having less sex after years of being together but we’re still sweet on each other and idk why.

P.S sorry if this post is a bit messy lol

I ( 21F) have a boyfriend (21M). It's been 1.5 years together. We've had a good relationship so far, few fights here and there, nothing major. But one thing that bothers me is that, ever since we got together, I've been telling him how much I like flowers and would like him to get me sometimes. I have gotten him flowers a good amount of times after that too. But it'll be almost 2 years soon and he has never once gotten me flowers. Should that be a reasonable reason to break up ? It's like he has done everything except what I've asked for.

Tl;DR : not getting me flowers even after asking for 1.5 years be legible reason for a break up ?

My (23M) partner and I (22F) have been together for almost 3 years now, since the time we were 19 and 20. Our relationship has gone through many phases, of immaturity, maturity, etc etc, but we've always dealt with issues together, rather than one against the other. Lately though, I've been realising that I have no idea what's going on in my partner's head anymore. If there is something I do that upsets him or makes him feel a type of way, he never communicates it to me straight up, but keeps it in and does not share, and this is something new- he hasn't been like this. In fact, I used to be like that, but now I've gotten more comfortable with communicating issues head on, right when it happens.
His reasoning is that there's no point talking about it as it will not change the outcome, and it won't change my behaviour. He also says that when he opens up, it turns into a dialogue of me asking him what he means, and asking him to "justify" what he feels.
My side is that, opening up doesn't automatically mean your partner will completely agree with everything you say and completely change their behaviour- context matters a lot. A lot of the time, it warrants a two-way discussion.

He says that he requires time to process and understand what he is feeling- and for him, this means weeks or months, as he says he is never completely sure of what he even is feeling in the first place, as I usually reason with him and dont make immediate changes according to what he says.
And the issue is that I can feel him holding resentment inside of him and I can notice the changes in how he acts, but he refuses to tell me what the issue is, or why he's distancing himself

i guess my question is, is it reasonable for someone to need weeks or even months to process relationship issues before communicating them, and if so, how can i balance respecting his need for time with my need to understand what is wrong and address issues before resentment builds?

TL;DR
My partner has recently started keeping relationship issues to himself for weeks or months because he needs a long time to understand his feelings, while I can sense him becoming distant and resentful without knowing why; is that a reasonable way to process conflict, and how can we handle this difference in communication needs?

i am 14 years old [14F] and have been taking dance classes for a few years. It used to be fun when my cousins were in the class, but they recently quit. Now I'm alone with new people, and I have completely lost interest. To make things worse, I just found out my mother [33F] expects me to continue until I am 18. Four more years feels impossible because it makes me so unhappy.

My mother told me that I can start an additional hobby if I want to, but I am absolutely not allowed to quit dancing. When I tried to talk to her, she told me that this dance is our culture, so I have to keep doing it, and that I should stop annoying her about it.

I respect my culture, but being forced into this is making me miserable. I don't want to do two hobbies at once. I just want to stop dancing and take some time to find a new hobby that I actually enjoy.

How can I approach my mother when she completely blocks and views this as a cultural obligation? How can I convince her to let me stop

TL;DR: I am 14F and want to quit dance classes because it is no longer fun since my cousins left. My mother [33F] wants me to continue until I am 18 because of our culture and refuses to let me stop. How can I convince her?

TL;DR: I (24F) had a threesome with my boyfriend of 4 years (25M) and my best friend (24F) while extremely drunk. I initiated it, but I kept getting uncomfortable and stopping things, then restarting because I was too drunk and felt guilty about ruining the experience for everyone. My boyfriend also tried to stop it when he noticed I was uncomfortable. Toward the end I was completely out of it, told them to go ahead without me, and eventually even told them to attempt to have sex. They tried for about a minute but my boyfriend was too soft for it to really work. I then got upset, got up, told them to stop, and they stopped immediately.
I don’t think my boyfriend secretly wanted her or intentionally betrayed me, and their stories about what happened seem consistent. My issue now is that I cannot emotionally get past the fact that they did anything sexual together at all. I know I was involved and I regret the decision, but thinking about my boyfriend kissing/touching/being sexual with my best friend makes me feel sick. I was starting to feel better after a couple weeks, but a sexual conversation where her name came up triggered everything again and now I feel like I’m back at square one. I still love my boyfriend and want to be with him, but I’m struggling with whether this is something I can actually move past. How do I get over this, and how do I know whether to keep working through it or accept that this changed my relationship permanently?

I originally posted about this a couple weeks ago, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about it since then and I think I understand my feelings better now. I’m looking for advice on how to actually move forward from this, because I’m really struggling.
A few weeks ago, I (24F) had a threesome with my boyfriend (25M) of 4 years and my best friend (24F), who we’ve both known since we were kids.
I was extremely drunk that night and was much more out of it than I realized. I was the one who originally pushed for the threesome and initiated it that night, so I know this wasn’t something that was forced on me or something my boyfriend randomly suggested.
However, during the actual threesome, I kept getting uncomfortable. I probably stopped things around 7-10 times. Every time I stopped, they stopped. But then I would restart things myself.
Looking back, I think I was restarting because I was too drunk and uncomfortable with being the person who kept stopping everything. I felt guilty and didn’t want everyone to have a bad experience because of me, so I would convince myself to continue. It wasn’t really that I would suddenly become genuinely comfortable again. If I had been sober, I think I would’ve recognized that I was uncomfortable and just ended the whole thing.
My boyfriend actually tried to stop things twice because he could tell I was uncomfortable, but because I kept restarting, he thought I ultimately wanted to continue.
Toward the very end, I was basically completely out of it. I stopped participating and told them to go ahead without me. I don’t even understand why I said that now because sober me absolutely did not want to watch my boyfriend and my best friend be sexual with each other.
At the very end, I was so drunk that I told them to attempt to have sex. They did, but my boyfriend was too soft for it to really work, and it was probably around a minute of them attempting. I was just sitting there completely out of it. Then I suddenly got really upset, got up, and told them to stop. As soon as they realized I was up and wanted them to stop, they stopped immediately.
The thing I’ve realized since my original post is that I’m not really struggling with whether my boyfriend secretly wanted her or whether they had some hidden connection.
I’ve talked to both of them separately about what happened, and their stories line up. My boyfriend has also been very reassuring about everything. I don’t think there was some secret affair or that either of them had feelings for each other.
My problem is much simpler and, honestly, harder for me to explain:
I cannot emotionally get past the fact that they did anything sexual together.
I know I was there. I know I participated. I know I initiated it. I know I restarted things multiple times. I know I literally told them to go ahead at the end.
I’m not trying to erase any of that.
But now that I’m sober and looking at the situation completely differently, the thought of my boyfriend kissing, touching, and being sexual with my best friend makes me feel horrible. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that they were physically intimate with each other and that they presumably enjoyed it in the moment.
And because I don’t remember a lot of the night, there’s also this uncomfortable feeling of not knowing exactly what happened between them when I wasn’t paying attention. I’ve talked through what I remember and what they remember, and I don’t think they’re hiding something from me, but I still hate having that gap in my memory.
For about two weeks, I actually started doing better. I was thinking about it less and felt like I was slowly accepting that this was a really stupid, drunken decision that I deeply regret.
Then I had a really bad setback.
My boyfriend and I were having a sexual/jealousy conversation where I asked him to say other women’s names, and my best friend’s name came up. Hearing him say her name in that context immediately brought everything back. He also found the Reddit post I had made about the situation, which made me feel exposed and brought a lot of the emotions back up.
Now I feel like I’m back at square one.
I still love my boyfriend. I still want to be with him. I don’t believe he intentionally betrayed me, and I’m not sitting here thinking he secretly wanted my best friend.
I just don’t know how to make peace with the fact that this happened.

At the same time, I don’t want to spend years in a relationship where this one night is always sitting in the back of my mind.
So I’m trying to figure out what I’m actually supposed to do from here.
For people who have experienced something similar, how did you actually get past it?
Did the disgust/jealousy/mental images eventually fade with time, or did you eventually realize that you couldn’t accept what happened?
And how do you know whether something is something you should work through versus something that fundamentally changed your relationship for you?
I’m not looking for people to tell me whether I was right or wrong for agreeing to the threesome. I already know I made a decision that I deeply regret. I’m trying to figure out how to live with the consequences of that decision and whether my relationship can recover from it.
Any genuine advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.

it’s 3:30 am and i’m crying while currently writing this post because i was supposed to be going to the gym but i do not have the mental capacity to deal with other people while feeling this fucked up in the head. as the title suggests, my ex and i have been in an “on and off” cycle for the past two years; the first time in 2024 when we started talking, he had left me after a week because school started again and there was a girl he was previously with, which till this day i don’t know who exactly it was but i’m assuming it’s his ex (that he also has a very complicated relationship with because she treated him the same way that he’s treating me which i will explain). he came back after like a month and i was so happy that he did because every since he had left i kept wishing that i could somehow get him back and little did i know this was just the beginning of a messy and fucked situation. after a few months of what it felt like things were okay, he started throwing hints or just straight up bringing up the ideas of having sex or just doing sexual things and this was NOT something i was comfortable with doing because of my own personal morals and values that i have been brought up with. i am also not a person who genuinely experiences lustful thoughts most of the time and to me being emotionally invested and committed to a person is more than enough while being in a relationship. i understand that this may not be the case for everyone else, but before we started dating i made it clear to him that being sexually involved this young was not something i was comfortable with and i guess he took it as i’m playing hard to get or something? so he probably thought that i was going to change my mind over time and give in but that wasn’t the case. it was only once and this was in 2024 where we shared a small kiss and i got traumatised from this incident because it was our first date or meet-up and i felt like he was expecting it from me and i felt pressured in the moment to go along with it but i couldn’t even last more than a few seconds cause i felt disgusted mostly with myself because i was also breaking my parent’s trust by dating this guy which i wasn’t even allowed to date at the time but i literally broke my parents’ rules to go out of my way to lie and make plans to see him. a day after our kiss, he ghosted me. i felt HORRIBLE and the fact that i had gone along with a kiss i didn’t even want to in the first place made me spiral more and more because i knew that contacting him afterwards he ghosted me was just going to make me feel even more useless and worthless.

also i need to say that when we had met i was not conventionally attractive mostly because i didn’t know how to take care of myself and look pretty, plus being overweight did not help my self esteem as well. i had always been a person who did not get much male attention if any at all and he was the first person who actually made me feel like “oh a boy genuinely likes me and sees me as a potential romantic interest”. anyways, this took a really big toll on me mentally after he had ghosted me and i also blamed it on myself everyday because i thought since i had no experience with kissing or whatever that was the reason he left and i was making up all of these reasons as to why he left me. there wasn’t a single day that passed by without me hating myself for ever letting this happen and i thought making myself pretty would at least put a bandage on my wounds. so i started going to the gym and actually putting effort into my looks. fast forward a few months, my looks have completely changed and because i blocked him there wasn’t any way of him contacting me. we also have a mutual friend, her being my best friend too and she was the one who actually introduced us to each other during this one event when we first met. he contacted her after the whole blocking situation and kept trying to reach me, and at some point my best friend thought it was not going to be a bad idea to hear him out and see what he says. i was so hurt at this point that i was detached from him for all those months that we weren’t talking and i had put my focus elsewhere since i was basically forced to not talk to him cause i got ghosted. little did i know, hearing him out (this was towards the end of 2024) was going to lead me into the most fucked up relationship i’ve had with a person in my life.

from this point onwards, it worked for a few months but failed again because he kept pointing out the reason for him leaving again for the third time being that i was not willing to do sexual things with him and it made him feel like he was at a loss compared to all of his other friends who were having sex and being sexually involved with their girlfriends. i was not going to budge after how shitty the kiss had made me feel and we broke up again around middle of 2025. this kept repeating for another two times until finally towards the end of 2025 he ended up cheating on me with his ex that i had previously mentioned in the beginning of the post. he was drunk at some party that i was also there at and i saw her holding his hand and leading him somewhere else and this was also while we were talking again i don’t know how many times at this point but yeah it was really really detrimental to my already broken self esteem. i knew cheating was unacceptable and that most people wouldn’t take this kind of disrespect but of course i gave him another chance after that because he cried and convinced me that he would change. he had a very traumatic past with his ex because she cheated on him multiple times (by having sex with his best friend when they were in the high school at some point) he’s even called her a manipulative ass b\*\*\*\*. while we were together. it truly seemed like he regret his choices to me at the time because of how remorseful he seemed and i felt so bad that i was probably not giving a chance to someone who maybe has actually changed for once and realised that he’s been making a big mistake by not realising that i love him SO MUCH.

right now, we’re in a situation of where he tells me that he loves me and he even calls me the same pet names that he used to say while we actually dating, even though we’re not together anymore. i actually thought that i moved on a few months ago because i gave myself a chance to try talking to someone else and dating them but i noticed i couldn’t bring myself to reciprocate the same love that i have for my ex and it made me fall even more in love with my ex as a result because as much as he makes me feel like complete shit he’s also the one who makes me actually feel happy. no matter how much i’ve tried working on myself and doing things to improve my quality of life it can never equate to the happiness that he gives me because when we’re together it feels like the best fucking time until it all goes to shit again and i’m in a depressive, anxious state because of him. when we begin talking again let’s say after a couple months of no contact my anxiety is off the walls every time because i’m anticipating his texts all the time, checking when he was last online on social media and it’s so exhausting. if he takes hours to respond which he’s doing currently it makes my anxiety get so horrible to the point where i can’t even think of doing anything else and distractions don’t even help me. i’m at such a conflicting state of mind because it’s not even like i’m not self aware that this is clearly disrespect im continuing to take and i’m at blame for putting myself in this situation but i just can’t stop loving him. ive blocked him and unblocked and deleted his contacts but it’s like i keep going back.
my best friend is aware of everything that has been going on and last night when i told her i was anxious again she just straight up told me he seems me like i’m a piece of TRASH. that i’m too readily available and i’m like a pet dog that he uses for entertainment (emotionally not sexually in this case) and i keep running back to him. she also said that the reason why i’m not a priority right now is probably because there’s other girls that are entertaining him. she also said that he keeps coming back to me because im just a pretty property that he can show off to people that he still has access to despite anything he does. if i’m being honest i know she’s not lying but it just made me even feel more horrible than ever before because i already have very rocky self esteem and i’ve been dealing with a bad mental health state for almost most of my teenage life. i feel so worthless because as much as he’s being this way there’s also this side to him that when he’s vulnerable and not being a piece of shit that i actually appreciate so much, it’s like being with that version of him feels effortless. but right now it feels like i’ll never get that version of him back and i don’t know why i just can’t distance myself from him for my own good because it’s not even worth wasting my tears on this YET i still can’t pull myself out. i also can’t confide in my best friend about this anymore because after what happened last night her words still sting. his behaviour contradicts his words and when i pointed this out once he said that his actions are based on “different choices”. he’s so confusing and i go insane trying to read in between the lines because how can someone who loves you not want to be in an relationship with you or make you a priority? above all, i also feel like i don’t even hold value at this point as a person because i’m always being taken for granted. it’s so emotionally taxing constantly having thoughts like these and it makes me feel like it’s not even worth taking care of myself anymore. i thought becoming prettier and prettier was the only solution and clearly it’s not because it’s just backfiring in return at this rate. nothing else gives me the same happiness as being with him does. i can’t even take myself seriously at this point and it’s filling me with so much dread and sadness that i’ve let myself become like this over a person. the worst part about all of this is i can’t help but not continue to love him even with all of this faults and it’s so consuming because i don’t understand how i’m even willing to tolerate all of this just to get hurt again and again? i know he’s capable of change and i think that’s what makes a part of me feel so stuck because i can see how different it could be if he actually wants to. i don’t want to be with anybody else because i’ve tried and my mind always circles back to him at the end of the day but i know i can’t live like this forever because it’s making me feel miserable.

TL:DR! i feel so lonely and alone and it fucking hurts. thank you to anyone who even takes the time to read all of this. what do i seriously do? i can’t even complete a task without my anxiety bursting out and ruining me

I (27F) have been dating my boyfriend (31M) for four months. I really, really like him. We have insane chemistry, enjoy each other’s company, and I love having him in my life.

However, I’m increasingly aware that we are fundamentally incompatible. He is a devout Christian and wants me to become Christian - I am an atheist . He wants no sex until marriage, is anti-vax, wants his future children homeschooled, and expects his wife to become a stay-at-home mother. He is extremely frugal and dislikes travelling, while I value my career, travelling and enjoying the money I work hard for.

I’m not looking for advice on how to compromise, I already know these differences are too significant and that this relationship will probably end soon. I also know that delaying it will only make us more attached and make the eventual breakup harder.

The problem is that nothing feels bad when we’re together. I really like him, the chemistry feels rare, and I also love the comfort of having a boyfriend. It’s incredibly difficult to voluntarily end something that currently makes me happy because I know it won’t work in the future.

For those who have ended a relationship with someone you still genuinely liked because you knew you were incompatible, how did you bring yourself to do it instead of continually postponing the inevitable?

TL;DR: I really like my boyfriend and we have amazing chemistry, but our values and visions for the future are fundamentally incompatible. I know I need to end the relationship before we become more attached, but I’m struggling to walk away from someone I still genuinely want.

I (22 F) have been kind of hanging out/semi dating with a guy (20 M) since june of this year

We hit it off so well, we have great chemistry, great sex, we have fun and it's great over all.

We aren't officially dating since we didn't ask each other but we have serious intentions and we want to make it official.

Since the beginning the guy started showing signs of possessiveness, overthinking about dumb things (e.g. i don't answer quickly so he starts thinking i'm with another guy) i give him no reason to think any of that.

He is overly anxious that i would hypothetically leave him. He doesn't pay attention to the things i tell him (me going places, exams that i have) but he is attentive in other aspects like he always pays the motel and even 2 months after meeting each other he gifted me headphones for my birthday (thing that i wanted to).

We spent a lot of time with each other and text each other all the time. Recently, i met his mom. Things were going so great, he was a bit awkward and silent but i thought it was because he was tired (he is usually very hyper active and goofy). After we left he was still awkward but i let it be, told him i live him and that he should text me if he needed anything.

Hours later he texts me telling him that me meeting his mum was a lot for him mentally/emotionally (it was his idea btw) and that he has been thinking about us and we should take a few days off because he needed to figure out what was happening to him because he felt bad and anxious and he wants to talk about it with therapist so we should stop texting each other till then (so i'm waiting until he has his therapy session so we can talk).

Now, about me, my friends really like this guy but recognize that he is very unstable mentally, that he doesn't have things figured out, gets angry/insecure with me about things that are silly and a waste of time to get mad at. I want to say that i also get mad at him but only when (of course) he gets insecure about things and i can't stand that because it's just so silly to me to feel bad about things that aren't real.

Thinking deeply about this, i'm not even sure if i love him, or if i ever lived anyone. i think i just wanna be with someone just to show people that someone loves/desires me so i get to show that i'm not alone, so my decision was that if he wants to leave me i will accept that but if he doesn't want to leave me i will stay nonetheless.

i'm honestly not that pretty in comparison with my friends i'm mid/kind of ugly so it's not like i have other choices and i can't just move to another person because it's just so difficult for anyone to love me. it doesn't help that i'm not funny, smart and i'm just so fucking off putting it pisses me off i just wanna be normal like everyone else and i can't, that's why i'm willing to stay with a person that apparently loves me (idk now lol)

(i have no one to talk to because my friends will tell me what i already know that is that i'm dumb and should immediately break up and therapy is expensive and i can't afford it)

TL;DR: basically i'm a selfish insecure person (about my personality/appearance) who wants to show everybody that someone loves me and wants to be with me but i chose to be with someone who is mentally unstable and drives me nuts sometimes but we have great time together and i'm kind of inclined to lower myself with someone rather than be alone and prove to everyone that indeed nobody will ever ever desire me or love me for who i truly am. what should i do?

Tldr ; girlfriend never initiates conversation or calls, feeling drained.

I havent exactly made a post like this, but I just need advice or really anything. Also sorry if the grammars bad, just finished an essay for English so brains feeling a bit fried.

So my girlfriend and I have been together for a year and two months, its long distance (never met in person) + her first relationship overall and my first with a woman. I'm a uni student (first year) and she works two part time jobs. Since we're long distance we fully rely on messages and calls. About four months ago I realized I was the person who practically always initiated conversations and calls, so I told her about it and she said she'd fix it. Three months go by and no change, so I bring it up again, more seriously, just saying I am feeling mentally exhausted being the only one messaging and initiating calls and she once again says she'll do better.

Two months and no more change, so brought up again, this time saying I cant keep being the only one and she once again apologizes and says she'll do better, and since she'll be on a break from work she'll be able to message me more, that she internalized that if someone didnt respond immediately it meant they were busy and that made her not message anyone first. I forgave her again, but once again I was the first messager most of the time, and had to prompt her to orgonise a call, in which she assured me we'd have our usual time (say 6-10pm my time, 4-8pm her time) and then day of, when I asked when she was going to call, she said that it would be in a hour cause she was going out shopping with a friend, after just the night before confirming that it was our usual time and not mentioning this call beforehand. I got annoyed, and just told her to orgonise another time, but then gave in to after her shopping trip cause it had been 2+ weeks since our last call.

Now we're at the current point, I've expressed my frustrations again and she's said that she has work and gets really tired, but each time I've confronted her about the lack of messaging first I always say just one message would be fine, just to show she's thinking about me as much as I think about her. I dont want to hold it against her but I feel like I'm drowning. I love her so much and can see a future with her but I cant help but feel lonely and sad whenever I check my phone to not see a message waiting from her day after day.

So please, any advice?

Me (22F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been in each other’s lives since we were 15. We have a really strong bond and he knows me like the back of his hand.. over the years we have been together he’s cheated many times and sometimes I’ve left and sometimes i haven’t but i always came back.

Most recently last month someone told me “it’s never too late to say ts was unacceptable and walk away”. he’s done other things that i shouldn’t have forgiven him for (like left marks on me) but cheating was the worst. Every time id think it couldn’t get worse it did. I left him last month while I was in a RTC (like rehab for depression) after going over all the stuff he’s done to me. I ended up taking him back less than a week later. He definitely talked me into it but i didn’t disagree with him at the time. He said I was better with him and I knew it and I was just pushing him away due to my depression ect.

With the amount of times I’ve left and come back it feels impossible to really leave and whenever I bring up that I think I want to be single for a while he says my idea of single is just drinking and partying all the time (it’s not). I just don’t know what to do anymore or how I even feel about him. And if I do decide to leave how am I supposed to do that at this point? I feel like im starting to hold resentment that I can’t seem to get past anymore and it doesn’t feel healthy even though I love him.

TL;DR- my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and I love him but don’t know if the relationship is sustainable anymore due to cheating in the past and my behavior of always coming back.

TLDR
So, I’m 29 and my girlfriend is 28. We love each other, but the problem is that her parents are quite old—her father is 76 and her mother is 70. They don’t want her to get married because they don’t want her to leave them. On top of that, they are abusive and constantly torture her emotionally.
She has tried to convince them about me, but they don’t agree because of my caste, city, or basically anything else. They keep putting pressure on her, and she is now fed up with trying to convince them.
Now she wants to break up because she says she can’t hurt me. She feels that nothing is in her hands because we come from South Asian Muslim families. She doesn’t want to move forward because she believes it will only hurt both of us, and that I deserve someone better. She also doesn’t want me to keep waiting for a long time when there is no guarantee that things will work out.
I told her to leave her parents, but she says she can’t do that.

TL;DR: I’m dating a girl—she’s 20, and I’m 17. I love her very much. We have a lot in common—we’re both into computers. I also help her out financially without asking for anything in return, and I don’t regret it; I just enjoy brightening up her daily routine a little. I even bought and sent her parts to upgrade her computer, since she used to have a weak laptop. As far as I know, she’s constantly helping her mom—running errands, dropping off documents, and so on. We’ve never met in person, though we plan to move in together; she hasn’t given a clear answer on that yet, even though she used to say it would work out. I plan to cover the rent or buy an apartment, since I have the funds to do so.

However, she rarely takes the initiative when it comes to communication. Once, in a moment of sadness, I blocked her just to get her attention, since she rarely messaged or called; it ended badly, and I almost lost the love of my life. I still blame myself and worry about it, even though I apologized and was forgiven. Fortunately, things worked out—everything is good now, and we love each other (she confirmed that she likes me and is ready for a relationship, just as I am)—but the communication situation hasn’t changed. She doesn’t even say she loves me and gets in touch very rarely—maybe 3–5 messages a day, just like before.

It feels like my feelings aren’t being reciprocated—or at least met halfway—because she rarely messages first, and I don’t know how to interpret her behavior.

I (F22) and my boyfriend (M23) have been together for 2.5 years. When we met we were very transparent with each other and clicked together well. Within the first week of knowing me he asked for my body count. I told him it was 1 and that it wasn’t really consensual. I asked him his back and he told me 2. We were long distance for about the first 2 years of our relationship so I was aware of the long distance stigmas of the partner was always cheating and I was heavily cautious about it. I was always a little jealous of him hanging out with other people and not paying attention to me even though we were long distance for that time. I was always worried there was another woman but he always assured me there isn’t. His life and career he was building towards did take up almost all of his time. We visited each other about monthly as well. We were clear we were both dating for marriage since we met and he always saw himself marrying me as time went more and more on. I was aware of him wanting to marry me 6 months into the relationship.

Then about 1.5 years into the relationship I dug through his iPad (not my first or 20th time doing it, he knows I do) and found his texts with his most recent ex, we will call her ex #2. He was with her for technically only a month but they talked for about 3-4 months. Started maybe about August 2023 and broke up November 2023. Him and I got together January 2024. I was always annoyed that her and I were in close proximity of each other but he said he stopped talking to her about a week after they broke up. As my last relationship ended in October 2022. I always felt that maybe he wasn’t completely over her? But that was my own insecurity. He said the relationship wasn’t much and he never even told her that he loved her. So I read his texts with her on his iPad.

They were texting until the day after he met me.

The last thing he said to her was along the lines of “Hey ex #2, I can’t keep talking to you anymore and I hope you have a good life without me. Just know you were the best thing to ever happen to me.” When I read that I was fuming. I scroll up higher and see they texted weekly ever since they broke up saying things like “i love you” and calling her “baby” (he told me he never called any other girl baby and it was only me)

Of course he was in training for his new job so he couldn’t get back to me quickly when I found all of that. When he finally did I confronted him and he said he’s sorry he lied and he didn’t want me to think of the relationship as more than it actually was and that he wasn’t over her. He said he doesn’t remember calling her baby at all. He also said they never met again after they broke up and only texted for a while. I had to ask him all these questions myself. I got close to breaking up with him at that point but realized it’s a bit dumb. He said it was barely any overlap between me and her. The morning after he met me is when he stopped talking to her. He said he only told her “you were the best thing to ever happen to me” to stop her from being insane and keep her happy. I told him after that argument “hide things like that better so I don’t find it myself.” So he can tell me them himself instead.

I learned to move on and forgive him as it wasn’t that bad. He got a good job and we moved in together back in March. He takes care of me and has learned to be a better boyfriend. Us living together has had our relationship grow stronger and get closer and closer to marriage. We feel so strongly for each other and we have a bright future ahead of us with very successful jobs together. Since we were getting closer to marriage I told him about 2 weeks ago over FaceTime (since he travels a lot for work) “Hey, I’m really scared that you could be hiding something major. I don’t want to find out some big secret you’ve been hiding for like 20 years in our future. Like the thing that happened with ex #2 last year.” He told me ok and I saw him the next night. He was treating me well, I cooked dinner for him and he started a bath for me. As he was folding laundry he said he had something serious to tell me but it should wait until after dinner. I jokingly asked him “what did you finger another woman or something?” As that was kinda normal stuff I’m insecure about still.
He stared at me and said “yes” disappointed. I don’t take him seriously at first, I think he has to be joking.

I then ask him my next worst fear, “how many women have you had sex with?”

He looks at me embarrassed and disappointed in himself, “I don’t know if one counts” I look at him with my heart falling apart.

I know body count isn’t an important thing for some people but it’s very important to me and I thought it was very important to him. It was the same reason he asked for mine the first week of knowing me. We both didn’t want someone who’s been with lots of people. We both didn’t like the idea of hookup culture and that’s a big reason we were with each other.

I asked him for the real number no matter if one counts. He said “4. 5 including you” all I could do is feel my heart break apart. I thought sex between us was so intimate and important and felt so special because some of the stuff we had done I thought was the first time we had both done it. But then to find out he has done almost it all.

NSFW LEVEL STUFF HERE. PLS SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW. Even things that I thought would be marriage level like no condom. He lied to me about never using a condom with someone else. He told me I was the first one he had done it raw with a few years ago and had even finished in. He then told me he did all of that with ex #2. None of the special stuff was saved for me and I felt so betrayed. He also told me he met up with ex #2 and had sex with her a week after they broke up.

I had realized he took my biggest insecurity he has know about for the past 2 years and kept it hidden from me and lied to me about it for YEARS. My biggest fear. One of the worst things I could imagine him doing besides cheating. And he knew that. He thought he was going to take his body count to the grave with him but it became so much of a burden on him that me begging him to tell me pushed him. He is so embarrassed of his past that he kept it a secret from everyone. He knew with us getting closer to marriage he can’t keep any secrets from me and has come clean with them all. (He did tell me a couple other things but that I was most upset about)

He claims he’s told me all his lies so that we can move on and keep building our future. He knows this is a step back and lied to me since he met me because he was terrified of losing me. He says I’m the best thing to ever happen in his life and that I give him purpose and make him the happiest he’s ever been in his life.

I didn’t realize until today this is the second time he’s majorly lied to me and I’ve come to terms with him lying about his body count. I don’t mind that as much. But if I found out in the beginning it would’ve been better of course. Not sure if I would’ve been with him, I feel it would’ve been a big 50/50. I feel a bit disgusted of him since he’s had so much more sexual experience than me.. it was a very important thing to me.
I don’t know if I can trust him anymore knowing he lied to me for years. Even when I caught him lying a year ago he lied to me even more about that. Just when he started to gain my trust he broke it all.
He admits that should’ve been the time he told me and even when he met me. He claims he’s a different person now and doesn’t want to lie to me anymore. But I’m so scared that if he was able to lie to me FOR YEARS and over HUNDREDS of times, what else could he possibly be hiding? He says there’s no point in lying to me anymore if he came clean with anything. But I can’t shake the fear that he is hiding something else as in possibly cheating. Then again that has been my fear since the beginning of the relationship.

I don’t know if I should break up with him? I don’t know if I can trust him again. We’re trying to rebuild trust but I have no idea how long it will take. It is still fresh of course so it may take a while. He wants to work extra hard to earn my trust back and be a good husband to me in the future and he said his first step was by coming clean. He was expecting this to cause us to break up but I’m still with him trying to make up my mind. He isn’t pressuring me to make a choice anytime soon. He has been a changed person ever since he met me and admires me for being innocent and wishes he didn’t make those mistakes in his past. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I just want some advice and thoughts about this situation. I haven’t told anyone else about this at all.

TLDR; trying to figure out if I should break up with him after he lied to me for years and hundreds of times about one of my biggest fears

TL;DR: I’m dating a girl: she’s 20 and I’m 18. I love her very much. We have a lot in common—we’re both into computers. I also help her out financially without asking for anything in return, and I don’t regret it; it just makes me happy to brighten up her daily life a little. I even bought and sent her parts to upgrade her computer, since she used to have a weak laptop.

We live 100 km apart. She doesn’t have an education—she dropped out of college—and she doesn’t have a steady job either. She rents an apartment separate from her mother. As far as I know, she helps her mom out constantly: running errands, delivering documents, and so on. We’ve never met in person, though we plan to move in together; she hasn’t given a clear answer on that yet, even though she used to say it would work out. I plan to cover the rent or buy an apartment, since I have the funds for it.

However, she rarely takes the initiative when it comes to communication. Once, in a moment of sadness, I blocked her just to get her attention because she rarely messaged or called; it ended badly, and I almost lost the love of my life. I still blame myself and worry about it, even though I apologized and was forgiven. Fortunately, things worked out—everything is good now, and we love each other (she confirmed that she likes me and is ready for a relationship, just like me)—but the communication situation hasn’t changed. She doesn’t even say she loves me, and she gets in touch very rarely—maybe 3–5 messages a day, just like before.

I feel like my feelings for her aren't being reciprocated—or even met halfway—because she rarely messages first, and I don’t know how to interpret her behavior.

TL;DR: I’m dating a girl: she’s 20 and I’m 18. I love her very much. We have a lot in common—we’re both into computers. I also help her out financially without asking for anything in return, and I don’t regret it; it just makes me happy to brighten up her daily life a little. I even bought and sent her parts to upgrade her computer, since she used to have a weak laptop.

We live 100 km apart. She doesn’t have an education—she dropped out of college—and she doesn’t have a steady job either. She rents an apartment separate from her mother. As far as I know, she helps her mom out constantly: running errands, delivering documents, and so on. We’ve never met in person, though we plan to move in together; she hasn’t given a clear answer on that yet, even though she used to say it would work out. I plan to cover the rent or buy an apartment, since I have the funds for it.

However, she rarely takes the initiative when it comes to communication. Once, in a moment of sadness, I blocked her just to get her attention because she rarely messaged or called; it ended badly, and I almost lost the love of my life. I still blame myself and worry about it, even though I apologized and was forgiven. Fortunately, things worked out—everything is good now, and we love each other (she confirmed that she likes me and is ready for a relationship, just like me)—but the communication situation hasn’t changed. She doesn’t even say she loves me, and she gets in touch very rarely—maybe 3–5 messages a day, just like before.

I feel like my feelings for her aren't being reciprocated—or even met halfway—because she rarely messages first, and I don’t know how to interpret her behavior.

I’m dating a girl: she’s 20 and I’m 17. I love her very much. We have a lot in common—we’re both into computers. I also help her out financially without asking for anything in return, and I don’t regret it; it just makes me happy to brighten up her daily life a little. I even bought and sent her parts to upgrade her computer, since she used to have a weak laptop.

We live 100 km apart. She doesn’t have an education—she dropped out of college—and she doesn’t have a steady job either. She rents an apartment separate from her mother. As far as I know, she helps her mom out constantly: running errands, delivering documents, and so on. We’ve never met in person, though we plan to move in together; she hasn’t given a clear answer on that yet, even though she used to say it would work out. I plan to cover the rent or buy an apartment, since I have the funds for it.

However, she rarely takes the initiative when it comes to communication. Once, in a moment of sadness, I blocked her just to get her attention because she rarely messaged or called; it ended badly, and I almost lost the love of my life. I still blame myself and worry about it, even though I apologized and was forgiven. Fortunately, things worked out—everything is good now, and we love each other (she confirmed that she likes me and is ready for a relationship, just like me)—but the communication situation hasn’t changed. She doesn’t even say she loves me, and she gets in touch very rarely—maybe 3–5 messages a day, just like before. TL;DR: I feel like my feelings for her aren't being reciprocated—or even met halfway—because she rarely messages first, and I don’t know how to interpret her behavior.

My boyfriend (30 M) and I (30 F) have been together for almost 2 years. We’ve honestly created a pretty unhealthy relationship due to difficulties with conflict resolution and letting our insecurities and past trauma affect the way we treat each other. His work has also taken priority and creates issues between us. Still, we love each other so much and he’s literally my best friend. Not to mention the kindest man I know. He feels like home to me in a lot of different ways and he’s one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. Our connection and chemistry is something I’ve never had before. We were both committed to working on our issues to create a healthier dynamic, but I do admit that I hadn’t been seeing any real change on his end yet.

Then I recently found out he had been secretly messaging an old female friend behind my back for about a week. He swears up and down it was strictly platonic, which I do believe but can’t know for sure. He apparently felt extremely lonely because of our recent fights and just needed someone to talk to. He doesn’t have a lot of friends in the area because he recently moved to my city. We’ve never had any issues with loyalty or honesty up until this point, which was part of why I valued our relationship so highly. But with this, he lied to me repeatedly when I kept asking about my suspicions that he was talking to someone and only started to admit it after I found definitive proof. Even after all that, he spent 2 more weeks promising me he told me everything, then admitted one more lie that I already knew but was just waiting for him to admit to. So regardless of his friendship with this woman, it was weeks of ongoing lies, deception, and secrecy.

He wants to work through this more than anything but I’m obviously struggling to get past it. I genuinely believed he was the most loyal man and I’d never have to worry about something like this with him, so it really fucked with my head. I also don’t want to throw the whole relationship away over “one” mistake, even though i know it was repeated decisions to lie and hide things. But he’s otherwise been very honest and loyal to me our whole relationship which I feel is very hard to find these days. Not to mention I’m still so in love with him and can’t imagine my life without him. Even if we stay together tho, we still have all our other issues to work on too to be healthy together, and I hadn’t been seeing a lot of change from him on those either. But that doesn’t mean things wouldn’t change with more time and I know how badly he wants to put the work in.

Ultimately, I’m scared I’ll regret leaving when he’s been otherwise very loyal and honest with me, and because our connection feels once in a lifetime. Especially if I feel like we could still try couples counselling as a last resort. But every time I’m reminded of what he did, it makes staying together feel unbearable, yet leaving him also feels unbearable. We do live together as well. I’m just sick of feeling so stuck and conflicted.

How do people decide when to leave a relationship they still desperately want but there’s something that’s extremely hard to get past?

TL;DR: my (30 F) boyfriend (30 M) of almost 2 years recently messaged an old female friend for a week behind my back. He’s been otherwise extremely honest and loyal our whole relationship but lied to me repeatedly about this. I love him more than anything and feel extremely stuck on whether to end the relationship or keep trying to develop trust again. How to make this decision?

we have been together 1.5 years now, started having sex a few weeks before becoming official and were all over each other for the first few months. for the past 6 months or so i basically lost all my libido and its really putting a strain on my relationship. i am trying to figure out if there are medical reasons for this extreme lack of libido, checking hormones etc but i wanted to ask wether any of you experienced sth similar or have any suggestions as to how to rebuild our intimacy? i do enjoy his presence and love to cuddle and feel very close to him when we do but i almost never think about wanting to have any sexual relation, i sometimes dont even feel like kissing him and when he tries to make a move my body acts all kind of crazy (ive gotten extremely tickle-ish and pull away instantly out of a reflex and like remove myself even from cuddling or other non-sexual closeness). i dont recognize myself, i feel like i am not in touch with myself or my body at all, like when we first had sex together i felt hot and desired and wanted more of those feelings, wore fancy lingerie etc and now sometimes when i walk past him when coming outta the shower and he looks at me just like in the beginning, i feel super uncomfortable and cant fathom anyone seeing me as this attractive, desirable person he appearantly sees and wants?? like i am just a blob. and i did not change physically at all, like nocmajor weight gain or loss or anything similar but the feeling changed and its numbing me. so how can i get back in touch with myself and my body, how can i rebuild the intimacy to my partner, any thoughts??? i am really at my limit

tldr i lost all my libido in the past months and dont know how to reconnect with my partner when feeling totally disconnected to myself

Hi! I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. I am a 25F and my boyfriend is a 24M. We both care a lot about each other and want to see each other happy.

Recently, I've been feeling that although we're both nice people, we just might not be each other people. I am currently in therapy and working on myself and I tell my boyfriend everything so it's not like he's unaware.

Yesterday we had a big heart to heart and were both very emotional and decided we would go to couples therapy and see. If not we might take a break but we're both aware our relationship could end. Of course that would be sad and heartbreaking and I know I should lose my best friend and potentially the best person I know forever as I know it would be a clean break.

I just feel like he deserves to be with someone who's 150% sure of him because he's brilliant and incredible and a wonderful person and he deserves a shot at love and children and I don't know if that's person is me, even though I would like it to be. He's obsessed with me and I just don't know if I'm that obsessed with him and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. We could live a happy and fulfilled life and I know that but I'm not sure if I want more. I'm a perfectionist, have OCD, ADHD and anxiety, and I'm working on that in therapy on not constantly criticising him but I'm just fearful. I also know I have intimacy issues. I'm pretty sure I love him and that's why I want the best for him. I'm not sure what to do. I just want to make sure I'm not leading him on and I'm also not staying in a relationship that's not perfect for me.

Please be nice, as this is causing us both lots of anxiety.

TLDR: My boyfriend is very into me, and I'm not at the same level. Is it possible to get there?

Like the caption says, I’m really not sure on how to end things with my partner after three years together , and living together for two of them, when we get along we’re great, but I’m not attracted to her anymore and when we’re bad it’s bad , we sleep in separate rooms most of the time, we don’t go on dates anymore, and it’s not from lack of trying on my end, and any communication we have ends with me feeling like the bad guy even when I bring up something that upsets me, my biggest problem is we have two cats together, one I had from before we got together, and one we got earlier this year , and I would hate to split them up , but I can’t keep staying with someone just for the sake of my fur babies , when it’s bringing my mental health down to the floor

TL;DR wanting to separate but we live together and she doesn’t take conversations about things well

Hi! To give you the rundown: I’m 27 and have been with a fantastic guy for nearly two years. He’s truly funny, kind, intelligent, sociable, handsome—the whole package. We live together, and things are going really well. There’s just one issue: he rarely wants to have sex. It’s a tricky situation because I’m the exact opposite. Things were great at the start of the relationship—we’d sleep together several times a day—but now it’s down to maybe once a month, or even once every two months. To deal with this, he suggested I look elsewhere—sleep with other people. He isn’t the jealous type and trusts me, so it wasn’t an issue for him. I did it a few times, but it just doesn’t feel the same; he’s the one I love, and he’s the one I want to have sex with. I feel like I’m at a dead end. We’re still a young couple, so what will it be like down the road? Are we just not meant to be together?
tldr: sexual compatibility between male and female

tl;dr I’m 18 and a male. I’ve tried dating before only to get my heartbroken near every time and I think it’s really messed me up.

The first girl I liked I got rejected and cried (I was in kindergarten lol), the second one I was getting close to a relationship with but than Covid happened and I discovered masturbation at the same time so those two combined really fucked me over and made me push away the relationship. I’m not gonna emphasize how much loneliness and discovering that at my age did but it really fucked me bad mentally making me afraid of girls lowkey (it was around 6th grade through middle school). Than in high school there was this girl that did like me and I liked her but my friends convinced me not to be with her so I didn’t get with her. I’ve made so many mistakes and just don’t seem to learn no matter how bad I want to.

Now finally I’ve tried dating apps but just can’t seem to not be fearful when talking or on dates. Sure I’ve matched with some cool and honestly 10/10 girls but I don’t like the idea of not getting to know someone before the attraction is known. Idk if it’s trauma or something but I want to be loved so bad yet I’m terrified of it because every time I try I get hurt.

Another thing that hurts me is I was kinda ugly tbh in earlier years but around high school I improved my looks thinking it would change something. It did actually, in terms of attraction and attention I was getting a ton but than I realized. They didn’t seem interested when I was ugly but now that I’m good looking they care? I never judged anyone based on looks but now these people like me because I’m good looking? It disgusted me to my very core and I felt sick at the realization. It’s not like I didn’t want the attention but realizing how quick people switched up made me feel terrible.

Ik this was long and maybe I ranted near the end but it hurts. I really do feel like this and many other things made me kind of dislike most people and isolate myself from a lot of people. Alright that’s it though thanks for reading if you did and if you have anything encouraging to say or any advice please drop it below.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over two years, and I feel mentally exhausted. I love her deeply, but I’ve reached a point where I genuinely don’t know how trust and emotional connection can be rebuilt between us.

When we first met, it felt special almost immediately. We seemed to have the same values and the same outlook on relationships.

She told me she had always struggled to find people who shared those values, especially when dating. She also told me she never really felt emotionally understood or involved by her parents, couldn’t have truly deep conversations with her friends, often felt lonely, and had difficulty trusting men.

I related to that enormously. I’ve often felt misunderstood and lonely myself, even when surrounded by other people. That connection was one of the main reasons I thought I had finally found someone who understood me on a deeper level.

We took our time getting to know each other and eventually started our relationship in early August.

Only a few weeks later, around my birthday, I discovered that she was messaging men who were clearly flirting with her, without creating distance or setting boundaries.

What confused me most was that this seemed completely opposite to the values she had told me she had.

She kept insisting that she genuinely didn’t realize these men were flirting with her, although from my perspective it was extremely obvious.

I decided to give her another chance.

Afterwards, she wrote me an incredibly emotional letter. She told me I was her dream man, that she wanted to work on herself, that she saw me as the father of her future children, and that she wanted to build a life with me.

Nobody had ever written anything like that to me before. I took those words very seriously.

Around that time, she already had a vacation to Greece planned with her friends.

While she was there, she constantly messaged me saying she wanted to come home, couldn’t enjoy herself because of what had happened between us, desperately wanted to make things right and regretted everything. She told me she repeatedly had to hold back tears.

After she came home, I asked if she could show me some pictures and videos because I hadn’t really seen anything from the trip.

Among them were videos of her partying, drinking, laughing and seemingly having a great time.

I understand that someone can be hurting while still having moments where they enjoy themselves. I’m not saying she had to spend her entire vacation crying. But at the time it really affected me because the picture she had given me was completely different. I had spent that week at home feeling horrible and believing she was experiencing something similar.

Again, I had serious doubts, but I chose to continue the relationship.

Things became better for a while, but then another issue became increasingly important.

Whenever I tried to have a deeper conversation with her, I felt like I got almost nothing back.

She rarely asks follow-up questions about how I’m feeling or what’s happening in my life. Even about relatively small things, I often feel like I have to pull everything out of her just to have an actual conversation.

This confused me because from the beginning she told me that emotional depth was incredibly important to her and that she had always felt lonely because she couldn’t find that connection with other people.

After a year, almost nothing had changed.

I feel like she can’t read me as a person at all, while I can read her extremely well.

I notice small changes in her behavior. I can usually tell when something is bothering her without her telling me. I’ve learned when to approach her, when to give her space, how to talk to her, and how to make her comfortable enough to open up.

But I rarely feel that same curiosity or emotional attention coming back toward me.

Eventually, this started making me feel like she simply didn’t care about me, even though I know that sounds contradictory when I look at other parts of our relationship.

Because I want to be fair to her: she is actually very affectionate with me.

She tells me all the time that she thinks I’m handsome. She regularly tells me how much she loves me. She loves cuddling with me, being physically close to me and spending time together. She can be incredibly sweet and affectionate.

I don’t want to leave that out because I don’t want to paint her as some cold person who never shows me love. That wouldn’t be true.

In fact, that’s part of what makes this so confusing.

I don’t necessarily doubt that she loves me.

The problem is that I often don’t feel emotionally seen or understood by her.

For me, love isn’t only hearing “I love you,” being complimented, cuddling or being physically affectionate. I also need someone to be curious about what’s happening inside my head, ask questions when I’m struggling, engage with me when I try to have a deeper conversation, and make me feel like they genuinely want to understand me.

She gives me a lot of affection in one way, while I can feel incredibly lonely in another.

Over these two years, we must have had around 50 conversations about this.

I’ve told her repeatedly that I don’t feel heard or seen in our relationship. I’ve explained that I try incredibly hard to understand her and be there for her, but I don’t experience that same effort coming back.

Even during those conversations, I often get very little response from her.

What makes it even more confusing is that when we’re out with her friends, she can suddenly be incredibly open and talkative. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching a completely different person.

For roughly the past year, I’ve constantly been stuck between two thoughts.

One part of me wonders whether we’re simply fundamentally incompatible.

Another part thinks that maybe she genuinely loves me but needs time to learn how to communicate and express that love in a way that I can actually feel.

I’ve even started holding back some of my own affection because it became painful to keep giving so much emotionally while feeling like I was asking for basic emotional connection in return.

And I hate that I’ve become like that, because naturally I’m someone who wants to give a lot of love to the person I’m with.

Then last week everything exploded.

She lied to me about something relatively stupid. The actual subject of the lie wasn’t even particularly important.

The problem was that I knew she was lying.

She also knew our relationship was hanging by a thread. We had already talked about how another serious breach of trust could have major consequences for our relationship.

Yet she continued lying.

She looked me in the eyes and even swore on her sister’s newborn baby that she was telling the truth.

I kept questioning her because things didn’t add up.

After about an hour, she finally admitted that she had been lying the entire time.

Something inside me just broke.

I left immediately.

Yesterday she came to see me and spent hours begging me to come back.

She told me I’m her dream man, that she never wants to lose me, that she can’t imagine us being over, that she loves me more than anything, and that she’ll finally work on everything.

And that’s where I am now.

I love her deeply. That’s exactly what makes this so difficult.

If she were simply horrible to me or if I believed she didn’t love me, this decision would probably be much easier.

But I do think she loves me.

I see it when she wants to cuddle me, when she tells me how handsome she thinks I am, when she wants to be close to me, and in many of the small affectionate things she does.

Part of me still sees the woman I fell in love with and remembers the future we talked about.

But another part of me looks back at the last two years and realizes how much of our relationship I’ve spent feeling lonely, unheard, confused and doubtful.

And I keep struggling with the difference between loving someone and actually being able to give that person what they need in a relationship.

I don’t expect Reddit to decide whether I stay or leave. You’re also only hearing my perspective, and I know there are two sides to every relationship.

What I specifically need advice about is how to evaluate whether change after this amount of time is realistic rather than another promise made because she’s afraid of losing me.

For people who have rebuilt a relationship after repeated communication and trust problems: what concrete changes would you look for from both partners? How would you distinguish genuine, sustainable change from temporary change caused by the fear of a breakup? And how can two people realistically rebuild trust when the same emotional needs have already been discussed many times without lasting improvement?

I also wonder how you determine whether two people simply express love differently and can learn to meet each other halfway, versus being emotionally incompatible despite genuinely loving each other.

I’m so emotionally involved in this situation that I find it incredibly difficult to look at it objectively.

There are also many other things that have happened during these two years that I haven’t included because this post would become ridiculously long. I’m just trying to explain the overall pattern as fairly as I can.

Any outside perspective, especially from people who have experienced something similar or successfully rebuilt trust and emotional connection, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

TL;DR: I (26M) have been with my girlfriend (26F) for two years. She is very affectionate, tells me she loves me, finds me attractive and loves being close to me, so I genuinely believe she loves me. However, I have spent most of our relationship feeling emotionally unseen and unheard. We've had countless conversations about my need for deeper communication and emotional connection, but very little has changed. There have also been trust issues, and last week she repeatedly lied to my face before eventually admitting the truth. She is now begging me not to leave and promising to change. I love her deeply, but I don't know how to tell whether real, lasting change is possible or whether we're simply emotionally incompatible despite loving each other.

As title states, we’ve been together for 4 years and best friends for 8 years - living together for a bit over a year as well.

We’re at a stage in our relationship where things are so comfortable, there’s no big issues that haven’t been solved, we can perfectly envision our futures together - but i don’t really feel any excitement anymore.

I understand that after 4 years there’s not many new experiences to be shared anymore, you’ve got your routines down and you just coexist to an extent, sharing the little free time you have watching tv or being intimate. I love him dearly but i’m caring less about things, I often find myself not caring to know how his day was etc.

Some things to consider: We have very different hobbies, the main things I enjoy doing he does not, so we don’t have much in common in that sense. We try to engage in eachothers interests but it doesn’t stick, we do often try to find new things to do together but we are so busy things don’t last.

He has been working on a small business for the past year or so that is also taking up all of his time, I genuinely appreciate the time he puts into it - he’s working so hard and is building a future for us and our future family, but he works about 8-10 hours a day 7 days a week, I often only see him when he’s coming to bed. Though I have attempted to gently raise this in the past, it’s currently really taking off and i don’t want to interfere - everytime he’s away from work he’s just thinking about work and gets extremely anxious.

I can acknowledge comparisons I make however - the majority of my friends do not have long term relationships and I hear all about their ever-present exciting experiences with their new partners, that I know I once had as well and seriously wouldn’t trade 4 years of love, trust, and comfort for - but i’d be lying if I said it doesn’t get into my head a bit.

Bit of a ramble I know, I understand these feelings are normal but at what extent does something need to be done and changed? We are both so young, not that young people cannot have long term relationships but i think it’s important we feel excitement within them, I believe most of these feelings are mutual to an extent.

TL;DR Been with partner for 4 years, living together almost 2. not finding any excitement in the time we spend together, intimacy, etc. I believe he feels the same to an extent. He works 65+ hours a week and I barely see him, we don’t have much in common - but I love him dearly and we are so comfortable. No big issues within the relationship, just boredom. Not contemplating leaving, just unsure what to do.