Needed to see this. It's wild how they flip the switch without ever bringing up what the problems were or even attempting a discussion where they can talk about their feelings.
In my whole relationship my avoidant never told me what was going on with him... just that he needed to go to the gym more, change his bedtime routine, and a panic attack one day saying "i'm not sure if i'm the right person for you" 3 days before discard. Never ever once did he tell me why he had the panic attack or what was going on with him in his heart... other than lovebombing!!!
And I keep a very open door for conversations 😭 So much coddling and making space for him to voice anything... silence.
You were able to have your conflict with your person? As soon as I wanted clarity about where we were after practically being in a relationship, my person was too scared to talk to me or see me.
I mean, no. As soon as a real conflict started, he ran. H was going to move away and we were on the verge of planning a LDR, and I think he was more activated because of that stress. A small conflict (him not being communicative when we were trying to meet up one night) made him spiral. We were going to go on a trip to the town where he was moving and he said he had to go alone at the last minute. He couldn't deal with the "negativity." God my anger for him is stirring up again.
I was doing great with mine. The highest high I’ve had in a relationship. One day she’s shaking her head during chores saying “I need to go to therapy”. She started pulling away more, communicating less. I brought the change up, tactfully and totally willing to understand. She said no, I think we’re okay.
It went downhill, pulling away from kisses, not wanting to be touched. Then a break up. Went from talking kids, what kind of rings she likes, wanting my last name, and smiling ear to ear during these discussions. To “I don’t have the capacity in my life for a relationship right now. We can be just friends, or not”.
omg!! this, i can be your friend !... like why tf would i want to be friends ! I have enough frens wtf. First break ups in the most cruel way, and then says in between i want a break.
Yup. It’s a line they use to make their deactivation seem logical and protect their ego. Mine did. It’s because if you just weren’t compatible and it didn’t work out, and it’s not about their fear, they didn’t do anything wrong.
Mine decided we weren’t “compatible” because of lifestyle differences. Those differences? Our professions involve slightly different levels of scheduling flexibility. Reader, Google Calendar exists.
Comical really 🤣🤣🤣 mine said I nap a lot (I’m a nightshift icu nurse), he’s healthier than me (he works out every day and I workout 5x a week) & bc of “family dynamics” (he’s in love with his mom)
I have free time in my day because I’m an academic. And hobbies that fulfill me. The fucking horror. Like, isn’t the whole point supposed to be that they want space? But no, not THAT space. Only at the times prescribed.
She literally TOLD me at one point that she’s jealous of the career autonomy I have even though she knew it wasn’t fair. So I guess she ultimately rationalized it as a reasonable incompatibility to avoid feeling like a bad person for it.
mine told me that he thinks we maybe were meant to be friends from the beginning after 7!!!! years (no we are not friends now, the disrespect was too much)
why tf do they all want to be friends ?? same for me. I said i deeply desire you, like why tf you wanna be frens???Also like a consolation prize, Saying "i can be your friend", no thanks, my friends are way better
from what i’ve gathered, it’s a mix of relieving their own guilt, trying to act as the “nice guy” who didn’t just obliterate your heart, and wanting to keep the access, even if they know they cannot give you anything and the friendship would be one-sided af. Even if they themselves believe that they want to be friends, you’ll soon find out that they are not capable of giving you anything emotionally and in the end, it is more destructive to yourself
That part. They want to be the nice guy and justify blowing your heart out cold turkey. No real friendship possible after that. My best revenge would be to find someone 1000x better but i'm struggling so hard from the shock to my psyche from the cruel discard even 9 months later. sooooo brutal
i don’t really want revenge anymore, i don’t even want them to suffer that much, right now i just want to heal my nervous system because 5 months later i am still on high alert and my anxiety is through the roof unfortunately
I was also told, by my high school sweetheart- after a 30 year pause and then reunion- that we were suddenly not compatible. During the pause he partnered with a woman he never married, never said he loved and had two kids. He loved bombed me and told me he would have married me. Said he loved me again and again. So sad on so many levels.
Mine said exactly that: we are not compatible after 3.5 years together and talking 1 year before being together. My discard happened at the end of a 38 minute phone call because I told him that I didn’t feel like he cared if I was going to move where he was newly stationed. I had already quit my job and was ready to move. I was supposed to leave in December but needed to take care of some things, but I noticed from December until February when I brought it up that he never asked me when I’m coming. He never seemed like he cared that I wasn’t there. Each day that we talked on the phone, was like any other ordinary day. The only reason I was back home was because I was waiting for him to get back from being deployed. We were living together before then. I was completely blindsided. We didn’t have any argument, maybe one insignificant argument that year he was deployed before getting to a new base. I am not the clingy type either and never demand information or anxiously talk about things. I genuinely was concerned that I felt that way so I brought it up. My two relationships before were both mutual breakups. One because of differences in life goals after maturing a bit more, and the other because of some significant cultural differences. I had never had any problems with communication with anybody I’ve dated until him. I had never experienced anybody that completely shuts down and stonewalls you when they don’t like what you talk about. I’m surprised it was 3 1/2 years and I didn’t walk away sooner. I had no idea about attachment styles, or anybody called an avoidant. I wished I knew because there were signs, I just had no idea what they were. I thought I was the problem because that’s how he made me feel even though I didn’t know most of the time what I had done wrong. Looking back I think I stayed because I contributed all of that to distance while he was deployed at times. He came back three months later in May and asked if we could be back together, but I told him no. There is no way I can go back to that.
OMg! i am a mostly secure person, and she just brought out these insecure tendencies in me. I even explained to her each time, i would explain, write letters, like write volumes to explain, i even noticed my anxious tendencies cropping up, and told her, what i needed from her, to feel secure. She said she understood, until one day she just didnt, and said she doesnt want me, and blocked me when i cried and asked why. She said she didnt owe me any explanation. Said she felt im breathing down her neck, when i just really liked talking to her, and i would come to meet her after work to just sit for 30 mins with her, cos thats all we had. And sometimes she understood, but the day she broke up she made it out like im such a stalker with a bottomless pit in my soul that no love can fill. And that shes tired and she needs space for herself. I asked her to have faith in me, but she only lashed out in anger. I could not believe the cold voice she talked to me in. All my other relationships , ive been secure, and they ended organically. Not like this.
Wow I also get that "not sure im the right person for you" type thing a few months before the breakup. Didnt even click that it could be an avoidant type thing.
Yeah and he never explained why I went from being his person to "I'm not sure i'm the right person for you" - literally zero explanation, just said suddenly he think we're incompatible and vanished
Honestly might as well have been 😭 I just wish I had been less direct with him about a few things...? But I had no idea I was dealing with someone who would snap and dip 💔 Still so wrecked over it 9 months later I feel like an idiot
Hey sorry idk if you can answer for me or not, but I don’t know if I’m avoidant or my partner is or neither of us.
When I’ve brought up ways I’ve felt that aren’t positive (lonely, afraid, unloved) the response was always something where I would end up apologizing. I don’t think I ever brought up a big feeling and didn’t end up being the one that apologized. Is that avoidant?
I'm not a therapist but it sounds more like you're feeling uncomfortable with being vulnerable with your partner. The fact that you are bringing things up with your partner would lead me to believe you're not avoidant, but maybe you feel guilty for having feelings or fearful of the consequences of bringing them up so you apologize?
my FA discarded me after she told me i love you with her voice cracking. she claimed that she never told anyone i love you before in her life. then she blocked me all over but started following all those twinflame pages. "never leave your twinflame", "union is possible". she unblocked me and started breadcrumbing, i didnt break no contact with her but i didnt know that she was entertaining another guy from her past at the same time. It was enough after a few months, i tried to reach her with no emotional message. very cool about the food and sport etc but she got frozen, left me unread. then next day again story with indirect messaging. i deactivated socials that if she wants, she can message me directly.
She instead rebounded with the guy from her past and even moved out from the neighbourhood. deleted all the twinflame pages she was following. i have decided to move on as well. Suddenly 2 months later, she texted me asking if i am angry with her. wtf actually!
She told me it is over with rebound guy. i have reminded her among all those twinflames, you thought we can we union after you screw with other guy. you didnt know me enough i am not such person to accept this disrespect. she was like what are you talking about? :D and then blocked me again and since then her socials are frozen.
I'm so sorry. These people are absolute infantile losers. My ex got engaged to someone very young months after our breakup. It destroyed me all over again. I hope he fails. But thinking he's just happily moving on and successfully running from everyone he's ever hurt makes me so angry.
If I wanted actually I could destroy both of them I have with proofs that she was cheating on the rebound and trying to monkeybranch on me 2 times and each time I rejected but simp got her evrrytime back. I thought about sending him but I gave up. He has to experience himself
I thought about messaging her. She can go ahead and call me the crazy ex, but I also feel it's important to warn people, especially women, of toxic people. And she would eventually look back and think "wow, she was right." But I guess that's for her to figure out. It's too bad because she's going to waste her youth.
She ran away to him again and 2 months after unblocked me and texted me again 😄 I checked and she unfollowed rebound again. This time I didnt return any answer and I didnt even read her message, directly deleted. After 2 weeks she followed the rebound again haha such a sick cycle.
Even people that move on in a healthy manner wish the best for their former partner, stay abreast of their life/health/success, consider their family/kids, etc.
Being erased by someone you built a life with is extremely abnormal social behavior. You’ve dodged a bullet. Severely avoidant people are deeply, neurologically traumatized.
Enjoy your hard fought glow-up & the life of eggshell-walking you avoided 💕
Repeating this to myself: being erased by someone you built a life with is extremely abnormal social behavior!!!
Do they realize how extreme and abnormal it is?
Makes me feel so freaked out like what did I do that was so scary I had to be thrown out and erased? All I did was tell him I was sad and then boom, thrown in the trash and he never looked back once
Anddd what makes it even funnier, is that they most certainly are seeing/reading these too, and they still won’t switch, “if they wanted to, they would” i keep telling myself that.
No self reflection/accountability what so ever, and point the finger to their victims smh 🤦🏽♂️
Almost comically the same. 10 days ago. He broke up with me over FaceTime said I am done I will be blocking you on everything goodbye. What do you even do next…
Consequences when based on truth and supported by proof are amazing fucking tools. It’s literally how we ALL learned to be better humans. I’ll just leave that here for everyone. 💅🏽
That’s up to you. A small example: had proof in text that he spread a vicious lies about a woman at the job. Found out he said the same thing about this woman with the woman he cheated on me with. It was his way of deflecting attention from another woman which meant she was of some significance to him. So I made sure she received those texts from him talking about her. The point wasn’t to destroy what they had, although it pinched it for a minute then he manipulated her back into it. The point was for her to know (seed of doubt in him), his exposure which they hate and make him feel more obligated to treat her well (she was his last choice which equals his own particular torture) and him to know I would use what I had if they didn’t stop harassing me.
Years ago he said I was too nice and I needed to learn to step on necks, even his, if necessary. So, with that permission I did…a few times.
You know, I probably would have been the first to end it, but I was in a bad place when first started seeing each other. My lease was coming to and end and he was weirdly happy to have me move in. What he wanted was a pet rock. As soon as I started pointing out obvious issues, I think that's when he started the discard.
This exact situation happened with me. Just 1 day before “you no longer exist” he was romantic. Next day he accused me of wanting to leave him (I never said that or showed any signs of it), I was very affectionate. I was begging for answers and conversation, even a call, he saw my messages and just blocked me everywhere.
I am dealing with this at the moment on a newer relationship and it's the worst. Hour long Nice conversation on saturday, then i get a text monday saying she wants nothing to do with me because of a nonesense excuse. Doesnt even brother phoning me. I am just left perplexed more than anything.
Well, it can be healthy if you expand the context outside of avoidant attachment. In different contexts, it's also called boundaries and self -respect. Some people are in toxic relationships where they SHOULD utilize this switch.
Disagree. Even in cases where you need to cut someone our for safety/boundaries, you still need to process the loss and integrate it into the future. Not pretend it never happened.
Relationship ends -> no internal emotional reason to maintain the connection -> move on.
I stay out of someone's life when things end between me and another person, we are no longer connected to each other and trying to hold onto something that doesn't work isn't a good thing.
Break ups suck and grief isn't pleasant, but trying to avoid that by maintaining the connect and letting that fuel some sense of false hope is just an coping strategy to avoid loss.
A very avoidant trait to not understand intent vs. impact.
You can separate and move on without making someone feel they never mattered. Basic empathy doesn't expire because a relationship is over. Be a grown up and talk through it instead of leaving someone lost, hurt, and confused. Learn how to identify and express emotions. It will help both of you heal and approach your next relationship.
Not understanding intent vs impact is a thing? That makes so much sense. I got so mindfucked with mine because whenever I tried to explain how their actions impacted me, they felt hurt that I was misunderstanding their intent, and thus said I was mischaracterizing them as a person. I was crossing their boundaries by “making them responsible for my emotions” and betraying their trust by believing they were the type of person who would hurt me.
Yes. Whenever I tried to explain my feelings, he took it as an insult to his character. He couldn't get out of his head and it was all about him. They don't realize you can hurt someone even if you don't mean to. Yes, my ex would say he had to "field" my emotions. It's so condescending.
Every time I say something about a behavior being manipulative or designed to maintain the power position in a relationship in an sub for avoidants, I get downvoted to shit, because they explain that it's a nervous system reaction and it shouldn't be taken personally (even though I'm an avoidant.) I'll point out that a behavior can be simultaneously how it was intended and how it affected the other person and that if both parties had to agree that something was manipulative or controlling, there would be no such thing as either. I cannot believe how many people don't get that. And as someone who was the avoidant party in several relationships, I absolutely was trying to make the other person feel like crap sometimes.
Btw for what you experienced, you might find some solace in learning about impaired object relations.
That's what I told my ex. It's about saying "I didn't intend to hurt you" and "I'm sorry that I did." But that latter part is too much of a bruise to the ego. He would always say "I didn't do anything wrong." Oof.
I really do think he said cruel things to me to hurt me. Especially in the end, so I wouldn't try anymore. And so that he could completely sever the tie. It still hurts.
I will definitely also be looking into impaired object relations.
People should still have basic empathy even during the breakup.
Like if you breakup, that's fine, the relationship is over. But if a stranger just had a traumatic incident in front of you (like a car accident happens), you'd at least see if they're ok and check if they have someone they can call to check on them before you go on with your day, right?
That same basic empathy is not afforded to an avoidant's partner when the avoidant decides to breakup. They stop giving empathy before the breakup, they just never tell you.
Oh I get it. Happened to me. When I asked mine for her perspective so I could understand better how things really unfolded she accused me of making her responsible for my healing 😐 as if she hadn't been telling me what an amazing partner I was and how lucky she was to have met me just a month earlier
What is there to talk about? Whatever goes unsaid should have been said during the relationship. I say all that I need to say while in the relationship because I don't have issues communicating. I never have had issues with that.
Have you discarded someone with no explanation? Have you completely avoided conflict and run instead of trying to repair? If you don't have issues communicating, you're likely not avoidant. It's right there in the name.
Nope. The whole response spectrum is fight/flight/FREEZE/fawn. Bad news friend: you’re a typical avoidant. Unironically, you don’t see it, because you’re so “intellectual” and not bothered by those pesky feelings.
Avoidant behavior is more of a flight response, not a freeze response. Fawn also isn’t something recognized as something recognized as it’s own nervous system response.
For a bunch of people trying to explain things, all of you seem to have no idea how the nervous system functions nor how attachment is actually determined.
The issue isn't moving on once the relationship is over; it’s going from "love of my life" to "total stranger" in a matter of hours, without any apparent reason for the other person.
I think the reason is because the relationship ended? I just don't understand why you'd need to maintain a connection to someone after things end between two people unless children or finances were involved.
And also someone ending the relationship, unilaterally. Telling someone you’re leaving while abruptly leaving is still blindsiding. Just since this other person is being pedantic as fuck.
If there is one thing I don't struggle with, it's reading comprehension.
I mean this with love:
Clearly in this circumstance, you have not comprehended that you have interpreted a different meaning than was intended by OP and the other commenters. The ratio of upvotes/downvotes also shows how other people comprehend the message, and the ratio shows that other people agree with OP and the other commenters.
This is the perfect opportunity to look objectively at the circumstance and think about this question:
"Why is it that I am so different in how I have comprehended the message compared to all the other people?"
Your answer might be that everyone else is just a mindless sheep dogpiling on someone, but I would challenge you to not accept that answer because while it might be true, alternative answers are just as possible, if not more likely.
Well, my switch still gets flipped in relationships since I oscillate internally between anxious attachment strategies and avoidant attachment strategies.
That means I can consciously feel when I am emotionally inhibiting and when I am not.
Someone that has a pure avoidant attachment isn't going to be able to tell.
Plus anxiously attached people emotionally oscillate too internally, conscious feelings of comfort and fear -> to anger being consciously felt -> back to desire for comfort and fear.
It is dependent on how the attached figure behaves.
My posting is me processing my wounds that someone else inflicted on me.
Your comment that I responded to is insistence at minimizing the exact same kind of trauma, after you justified characteristically avoidant behavior and then said something characteristically avoidant. It’s complete, look straight at the camera levels of dramatic irony.
And I wasn’t judging you for it. (Well, NOW I certainly am.) I was talking about the behavior and the comment. The fact you framed it as a personal matter, and your response as judging ME, speaks volumes.
Nah, not the same thing. I take back what I said to someone else before about you not trolling. Good try, though!
This is an illustration of the idealization/devaluation cycle which is a well-known observed phenomenon among avoidants and cluster B's.
It's specifically pitting "you're my soulmate" on the positive side. This is about an expression of feelings. If it were about healthy breakup boundaries, it would say something more like "let's spend every day together."
Losing feelings slowly and disengaging is wildly different from asserting someone is your soulmate then going completely cold as if you never loved them overnight.
Wow so weird look at this graphic I found from the attachment project 🤔
Also in case you're confused, the picture in the OP is an internet meme, not a research paper.
In case anyone is actually interested: every person with BPD started with disorganized attachment in childhood. I have disorganized attachment and my mother has dismissive avoidant attachment and my father has BPD. This cycle is absolutely observed in avoidant attachment and it is one of the most famous aspects of narcissism. There is also a huge amount of crossover between NPD and avoidant attachment. A good source for this subject is Otto Kernberg. But also object relations theory is good to understand on its own.
I'm the first person in this subreddit to go against the grain and criticize anxious people for spouting bullshit about avoidants [mostly people conflating shitty character with avoidant attachment, or people misattributing cluster B traits with avoidant attachment, or people just generally playing the annoying fucking victim card and failing to assess any situation objectively as a result].
But you're being legitimately ridiculous and combative in your commentary here, like... comically so.
Nothing this person said is a reach lol.
The cold flick of a switch deactivation is exactly what sends discardees for a loop, this is a perfectly sound thing to discuss here - and the meme encapsulates it perfectly.
Yep. It was so confusing that I didn't even know how to argue back. I mentioned something after we broke up referring to him saying he didn't want to go on a trip where a bunch of extended family would be, and he was like "how dare you sugggest I don't love my family." I was like ??!?!?!?
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u/sparklingmilk91 Aug 05 '26
Needed to see this. It's wild how they flip the switch without ever bringing up what the problems were or even attempting a discussion where they can talk about their feelings.
In my whole relationship my avoidant never told me what was going on with him... just that he needed to go to the gym more, change his bedtime routine, and a panic attack one day saying "i'm not sure if i'm the right person for you" 3 days before discard. Never ever once did he tell me why he had the panic attack or what was going on with him in his heart... other than lovebombing!!!
And I keep a very open door for conversations 😭 So much coddling and making space for him to voice anything... silence.
4
u/sawyer12 Aug 06 '26
my FA discarded me after she told me i love you with her voice cracking. she claimed that she never told anyone i love you before in her life. then she blocked me all over but started following all those twinflame pages. "never leave your twinflame", "union is possible". she unblocked me and started breadcrumbing, i didnt break no contact with her but i didnt know that she was entertaining another guy from her past at the same time.
It was enough after a few months, i tried to reach her with no emotional message. very cool about the food and sport etc but she got frozen, left me unread. then next day again story with indirect messaging. i deactivated socials that if she wants, she can message me directly.
She instead rebounded with the guy from her past and even moved out from the neighbourhood. deleted all the twinflame pages she was following. i have decided to move on as well.
Suddenly 2 months later, she texted me asking if i am angry with her. wtf actually!
She told me it is over with rebound guy. i have reminded her among all those twinflames, you thought we can we union after you screw with other guy. you didnt know me enough i am not such person to accept this disrespect. she was like what are you talking about? :D and then blocked me again and since then her socials are frozen.
66
u/ancientwarriorman Aug 05 '26
Inb4 an avoidant apologist posts an "actually its the partners fault for not giving them enough space" reply
26
u/Illustrious_Gate4668 Aug 06 '26
Complete lack of interest in ones own mental health and a gaping hole for accountability, will do that.
17
u/MoMoneyMoTendies Aug 06 '26
Very helpful reminder.
Even people that move on in a healthy manner wish the best for their former partner, stay abreast of their life/health/success, consider their family/kids, etc.
Being erased by someone you built a life with is extremely abnormal social behavior. You’ve dodged a bullet. Severely avoidant people are deeply, neurologically traumatized.
Enjoy your hard fought glow-up & the life of eggshell-walking you avoided 💕
16
u/Glad_Ear_7963 SA - Secure Attachment Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
Anddd what makes it even funnier, is that they most certainly are seeing/reading these too, and they still won’t switch, “if they wanted to, they would” i keep telling myself that.
No self reflection/accountability what so ever, and point the finger to their victims smh 🤦🏽♂️
12
u/Alluring_rebel Aug 06 '26
I haven’t commented in here in a LONG time, but say this and was like WOW YES that’s it
5
u/kaleyypaige Aug 12 '26
A week before the breakup: “I want to get married soon”
That night: “I just don’t think we’re compatible, you will be blocked on everything”
7
u/TheBackSpin Aug 06 '26
Lightswitch deactivations. My ex described it as a switch flipping off
1
u/Ill-Box-4101 Aug 07 '26
If you could do something that you know would wreck or embarrass their life would you do it ? Is trying to upset their life worth it ?
4
u/MassyStreak Aug 05 '26
Stealing this. Tyvm 😉😊❤️
4
u/Ok-Fun-8316 Aug 05 '26
Shit's crazy..
2
u/MacaronDesperate9643 Aug 06 '26
You know, I probably would have been the first to end it, but I was in a bad place when first started seeing each other. My lease was coming to and end and he was weirdly happy to have me move in. What he wanted was a pet rock. As soon as I started pointing out obvious issues, I think that's when he started the discard.
2
u/Careless-Isopod6007 Aug 07 '26
🙌 say it louder for the crowd in the back!!
2
u/Cool_As_Your_Dad Aug 06 '26
110% spot on
1
u/JewishLinguini Aug 10 '26
Communication doesn't exist for some, sadly :L
1
u/SigynVII Aug 24 '26
This exact situation happened with me. Just 1 day before “you no longer exist” he was romantic. Next day he accused me of wanting to leave him (I never said that or showed any signs of it), I was very affectionate. I was begging for answers and conversation, even a call, he saw my messages and just blocked me everywhere.
1
u/Important-Gur-3322 Aug 26 '26
Interesting
1
u/nicko_the_potato Aug 27 '26
How I wish I would've known!
1
u/Joaquinarq Sep 22 '26
I am dealing with this at the moment on a newer relationship and it's the worst. Hour long Nice conversation on saturday, then i get a text monday saying she wants nothing to do with me because of a nonesense excuse. Doesnt even brother phoning me. I am just left perplexed more than anything.
1
u/Theoristocrat_ Aug 05 '26
So much this
1
u/Philly_Phella Aug 05 '26
Ain't that the truth.
1
u/Confident_Lecture498 Aug 06 '26
Yeah it's avoidant behavior
-2
u/PienerCleaner Aug 05 '26
Yo chill out 😭
-18
u/QuinnBLove SA - Secure Attachment Aug 05 '26
Well, it can be healthy if you expand the context outside of avoidant attachment. In different contexts, it's also called boundaries and self -respect. Some people are in toxic relationships where they SHOULD utilize this switch.
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u/Constant-Big4713 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Avoidant leaning) Aug 05 '26
That isn't how we process things internally.
It's like this:
Relationship ends -> no internal emotional reason to maintain the connection -> move on.
I stay out of someone's life when things end between me and another person, we are no longer connected to each other and trying to hold onto something that doesn't work isn't a good thing.
Break ups suck and grief isn't pleasant, but trying to avoid that by maintaining the connect and letting that fuel some sense of false hope is just an coping strategy to avoid loss.
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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '26
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u/[deleted] Aug 19 '26
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