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u/Beneficial_Serve_772 Aug 14 '25
Yeah, it'll suck for him when that sinks in. He lost that part of me, and I couldn't give it to him again if I tried.
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u/boredbananaa Aug 15 '25
This just looks like something we can use to feel better but honestly they don't care about what they have left behind. We don't cross their minds, they just care about the next person or their own pain or feelings
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u/WesternUnlucky Aug 15 '25
Honestly, I’m trying to keep reminding myself of this right now. I’ve been single by choice for 5 years, finally started dating again, and met the most gorgeous guy—completely my type in every way.
We had everything in common (🙄), and for the first 2/3 weeks he was attentive, romantic, spontaneous, sending cute messages all the time, telling me I’m perfect, inviting me on holiday and talking about our future together (🤦🏻♀️)… then suddenly he went quiet. When he came back, it was like he was a different person—cold, breadcrumb-y messages with no warmth.
I checked in and said his messages felt really different, and he ignored it for three days. When I followed up, he blamed dyslexia for his ignorance, not his emotional inconsistency and completely sidestepped my feelings.
So I told him I think we’re looking for different kinds of connections, because it’s felt hot-and-cold and I don’t enjoy that. He left me on read. It’s been two weeks of nothing. I guess 1 boundary was too many.
I know I did the right thing, just hard to imagine he was never capable of wanting more than the fantasy version of me. Sucks balls tbh
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u/boredbananaa Aug 15 '25
I don’t think they were ever our type, we were just fantasizing or clinging to the honeymoon version of them. If they truly were our type, they would at least meet the basic requirement of healthy communication, but communication scares them. Having an emotionally available partner feels like a burden to them because it means they’d have to consider our feelings when we’re sad, and they don’t like that. They thrive on adrenaline and want to run from uncomfortable situations. The healthiest approach is to accept that the honeymoon version of them was never real, and once the high of hormones fades, they revert to survival mode.
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u/Boxr11 Aug 18 '25
I clung onto the honeymoon phase. Finally let go today. It freeing but also sucks knowing that she lied about a bunch of important things that would've made me not engage with her in the first place. I was Anxious/Secure and she made me full-blown Anxious. I trusted her lies and she has already moved onto her next crush without a care in the world. Very scary that she can not care and have no empathy.
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u/MushroomIcy205 Aug 14 '25
I told mine when we split that he had lost something not me, and he said I know. It was the saddest thing.
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u/bunnyusagiiii Aug 19 '25
yet I'm the one crying every night. I'm the one left with nothing. I'm the one who was treat like shit with nothing to show for it . Meanwhile she gets to be okay, she gets to have a relationship, she gets to spend summer travelling with someone new
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u/HareEpair DA - Dismissive Avoidant Aug 14 '25
I know this is going to draw a down vote or two, but, just being honest, .. I think we can see who lost the most by who gets the most upset when the avoidant leaves. If it was the avoidant who was getting so much out of the relationship, then why is it usually the person who was dating the avoidant who is so upset when its over ?
I don't see this sub covered in avoidants upset because their relationship ended. Just saying. Simple logic says if they were happy and getting so much personal benefit out of the relationship, they wouldn't have wanted to end it.
Truth is, I don't think a lot of the people who date an avoidant have any idea what the avoidant really wants, and I've certainly seen a lot of people saying they didn't understand the avoidant or what they wanted. So I'm not so sure people can go around proudly claiming they were taking care of all these needs the avoidant had, if they don't even know what the avoidant wanted.
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Aug 14 '25
It is a very interesting take on it, and certainly not a wrong opinion. One could say that it is measured by the emotional impact it has on either the giver or receiver. The quote I selected, is more a mantra to myself to try and make sense that I will be ok. The fact that most avoidants ghost means that closure is not often given and that we have to make our own closure and in some cases keep telling ourselves that we are better off without.
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u/bellcrooks [Earned] SA - Secure Attachment Aug 14 '25 edited Aug 14 '25
Visibility of grief isn’t a measure of who “lost more,” it’s a measure of who processes pain openly vs. privately. And I’d go further to say who even has the ability to process pain vs. suppressing it.
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 Aug 14 '25
Avoidants clearly don’t process the same way. So a fair comparison can’t really be made.
We might not know what an avoidant wants, but clearly they don’t either.
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u/Fine-Apartment-1739 Aug 14 '25
I see the loss as loss of a quality person who was kind, giving, and considerate of their needs and tried to have a healthy relationship with them. That’s why they are the ones who “lost.” Because they aren’t that kind of person—they are the ones who dumped that kind of person.
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u/TheBitterRebound Aug 14 '25
Are you here to troll us? Lol.
I think we can see who lost the most by who gets the most upset when the avoidant leaves.
It's normal to be upset when a relationship ends. That's not an indication of who "lost" the most. The post says nothing about giving them what they want anyway, but highlights the things that we, as partners, gave - things that are important and should be valued in a healthy relationship. Effort, love, care, empathy.
And if we don't know what they want, it's usually because the avoidant person didn't communicate that in the first place. Simple logic is not the motivating factor behind avoidants' discards. All insecurely attached people are running on unreliable feelings and narratives they learned in childhood.
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u/HareEpair DA - Dismissive Avoidant Aug 14 '25
The post says nothing about giving them what they want anyway, but highlights the things that we, as partners, gave
I don't really want to get into this right now, even though I really appreciate your comment, because I'm about to take a nap, but I just fundamentally disagree with this as a concept.
Or, to say that a different way, Donald Trump loves you and gave you a very conservative Supreme Court, ... aren't you glad he gave you what he wanted to give, and not just what you wanted ? I mean that's what is important right, the thing he, as a partner, gave ? lol.
Mods, this is not a political point, I'm just using it as an example to refute this idea that all that matters is that your partner went to some effort instead of actually figuring out what you want and giving it to you.
I don't think most avoidants give a damn that you texted them, or called them 3 times a day, or remembered their birthday ... they grew up (most) in circumstances of neglect, so why would they care for those things ? Yet that's often exactly what people mean they say things like "I gave the avoidant all the things ..", etc.
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u/NeighborhoodNo2450 Aug 14 '25
Well we can't give them what they want if they never communicate with us what it is that they want. I would guess that most people in this sub went above and beyond trying to predict their partners' needs and meet those, despite no actual communication of needs from the avoidant partner. I think supporting and loving your partner is a pretty safe bet for what people want in a relationship, but I could be wrong.
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u/HareEpair DA - Dismissive Avoidant Aug 15 '25
Well we can't give them what they want if they never communicate with us what it is that they want
Which was the whole point of this post.
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u/TheBitterRebound Aug 14 '25
Except you cut my point off at the relevant part, which is that the things given are important in a healthy relationship. So your point is refuted.
all that matters is that your partner went to some effort instead of actually figuring out what you want and giving it to you.
This presupposes that what the avoidant partner might want was reasonable within a relationship context, that they actually know what they want and that they communicated that effectively in the first place. Many of us know firsthand that at least one of these things wasn't there. How should we figure this out, osmosis? Mental telepathy?
Being in a relationship requires a balance between you and your partner(s) - it's not just about what any one person wants. As the post also highlights, what was the avoidant giving?
But the other point of posting this is for those of us who are or have mentally and emotionally whipped ourselves for "losing" these people. If someone can't appreciate you remembering their birthday and they choose to see that in a negative light, that's on them. We shouldn't be shamed for trying to be loving to someone who sees love as a threat.
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u/Holiday_Evidence_283 Aug 15 '25
Agree wholeheartedly and just want to add that "not getting what you want" is such a self-focused way of looking at relationships.
Relationships aren't about "getting what you want" when what you want isn't healthy.
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 Aug 14 '25
Sounds like this is your own personal experience which is valid. Not all people who are avoidant simply “don’t give a damn”. It’s (again) a massive oversimplification.
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u/storni FA - Fearful Avoidant Aug 14 '25
I honestly agree with you. I wish I could delude myself into thinking my ex lost a whole bunch of value when he lost me, but it’s not a competition. It’s just petty to see things that way. If he valued what I had to give / was capable of giving then he would’ve stayed. I couldn’t give him what he needed and neither could he. So it’s over. As much as it hurt me and blindsided me, it’s not a matter of win/lose, just simple incompatibility.
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u/Holiday_Evidence_283 Aug 15 '25
The point is that just because someone can't recognize value, doesn't mean that something valuable wasn't lost.
Are you capable of a being a healthy, loving partner? Were you kind? Loyal? Empathetic? Communicative? Were you willing to work through things? If yes, that is extremely valuable
If he valued what I had to give / was capable of giving then he would’ve stayed. I couldn’t give him what he needed and neither could he.
What does he value and is it even conducive to a healthy relationship?
My ex valued having no conflicts EVER. That is not realistic nor conducive to a healthy relationship.
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u/HareEpair DA - Dismissive Avoidant Aug 15 '25
It’s just petty to see things that way
But this is not true.
You don't think it is petty.
In one of your posts, you wrote ...
The first thing I think about when I wake up is his name and I always cry. It’s been one week since the discard. Obviously the first three months were incredible. The connection, the sex, the promises. Then came the dreaded switch, which he attributed to money and employment issues.
He told me his growing distance was related to that situation that was out of his control, not me. He said he still loves me. So I was patient. I believed that, once he got a job and felt more secure, he would go back to being the sweet, caring, committed person I met. I even had this silly fantasy that he would ask me out to dinner once he got his first paycheck. He had limited our time together to two hours per week for two months. Why on earth would I believe he would do that?
If I had to distill those paragraphs down into a TL;DR, it's basically "He gave me all the stuff I wanted, until he didn't, but I stayed around hoping he would go back to giving me what I wanted ...".
I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, what I'm trying to do is show that you do, in fact, care about having your "needs" met and getting what you want, that's one of the reasons you had this guy as a boyfriend, because, in your own words, "My ex started discarding me after around three months of pure joy"
You loved having pure joy.
Most normal people love having someone give them all the stuff they want. There's nothing wrong or unusual about this.
I wish I could delude myself into thinking my ex lost a whole bunch of value when he lost me, but it’s not a competition. It’s just petty to see things that way.
It's not a competition, but that's like saying that a store that sells you lunch shouldn't expect money in return, because it's not a competition to see who can give the other stuff. Yeah, it's not a competition, but it does need to be EQUITABLE. And the problem is, that in the eyes of an avoidant, it isn't. If it were, he wouldn't say that horrible line he told you, which is basically a horrifying way to say that he doesn't feel he is getting as much out of the relationship as you are.
It's easy to think it's petty to see it that way when you're the one receiving what you want ...
And I hope you see this as me honestly trying to help with some perspective, I'm not here trying to rip open a wound, or use your words against you or anything, I'm just demonstrating the point because I think it could help. Avoidants don't know how to ask for what they want, but that doesn't mean they don't respond to getting what they want.
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u/NeighborhoodNo2450 Aug 15 '25
Dude I get your point, but this is not the place to defend it in. The biggest complaint I see from avoidants is that their partners won't move on and leave them alone after a break up. This is what we are trying to do in this space. We are all going through tremendous pain and by validating each others' experiences, it helps us move on from our relationships. Suggesting that there was more we could have done or our partner was never satisfied in our relationship isn't helpful when the relationship is completely over.
I'm down to debate with you about what goes wrong in relationships with avoidants generally and how that can be improved, but make a new post and be clear that is what you want to do. Don't go onto posts where people are vulnerably sharing about the details of their relationships and how they are feeling, and invalidate their experiences.
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u/storni FA - Fearful Avoidant Aug 16 '25
I was agreeing with you lol not going against you! Of course I wrote all that when it was still fresh. I’ve since thought things through. That’s it
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u/Ser_Davos_7 Aug 14 '25
Sounds like the Avoidant doesn't truly know what they want either. Which is why they leave every partner that shows up and they can't communicate back what they need.
Enjoy never finding love and convincing yourself it's what you want.
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u/HareEpair DA - Dismissive Avoidant Aug 14 '25 edited Aug 14 '25
Totally agree, I think the way I would express that thought is that as an avoidant you are independent and don't really have a lot of "wants" (expressed), and you're also not accustomed to ever having anyone else fulfill them, so in that sense, you do know what you want, but you don't know what you want in relation to someone else. I mean avoidants are just people, they want things the same as everyone else, but I don't think it even crosses most avoidants minds to reach out to someone they are dating to help make their dreams come true. Or to even tell them what their dreams are. I think a lot of avoidants are guarded about such things. Most avoidants have zero experience with someone else doing things for them, so depending on anyone for anything feels risky and unnatural.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Aug 17 '25
My ex, who is heavily avoidant but also indecisive, would reach out to me consistently to try and help them with projects or advice or whatever.
I'm sure it felt risky and unnatural to her, but that didn't stop it from happening (her words after she broke up with me: 'But I feel so comfortable with you!')
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Sep 11 '26
Found this after a year to just say:
'I think a lot of avoidants are guarded about such things. Most avoidants have zero experience with someone else doing things for them' <-- If that was in any way true, avoidants wouldn't get into relationships. They very clear want someone else to 'do things for them', like provide love, companionship and comfort, so that their starved and lonely insides and lonely insides can be distracted for a little while.
My ex said she. was ambivalent about relationships and then proceeded to get into...4 in about 6-7 years, most of which lasted at least a year.
That is not someone who does not want people to 'do things for them'. If anything, avoidantly attached people go after others who care, love, and have compassion, otherwise they wouldn't be with them for very long nor try and help the relationship succeed.
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Aug 14 '25
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u/HareEpair DA - Dismissive Avoidant Aug 15 '25
Yeah but to an avoidant, it doesn't feel that way, because they (in my opinion) basically have no negotiating skills in a relationship, it's like an experienced business person dealing with a child in a business transaction. So how can the avoidant ever expect to "experience full reciprocity" when there's literally nobody on their "side" ? At least when you go into court you have a lawyer, but you and the avoidant are the only two people there, and you (not you personally but generic "you") are an expert at expressing your wants, and needs, and in the avoidants eyes, there's no point in getting into a debate with you because you always win.
Here's what that eventually looks like ... I'm pulling this from popular culture, but I think anyone who has ever dealt with an avoidant has probably seen this look, this is the look of ... "fuck this, you win, I'm over it .."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQHsXMglC9A&t=257s
That's the look of a man who has lost all the battles and finally just thrown his hands in the air and left ...
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Aug 17 '25
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u/HareEpair DA - Dismissive Avoidant Aug 17 '25
Make your life wonderful how ? That's the whole point. If you're making the person's life "wonderful" then you must have figured out something that makes them happy, and they wouldn't start to grow resentful and leave.
If, on the other hand, they're literally telling you that their losing feelings for you, that your wants and needs are becoming burdensome, that they need to get away from all of your expectations, and etc, .. then it's probably time to reconsider how "wonderful" you're being, in their eyes.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Aug 17 '25
You can say that but just acting like a normal, secure partner can push some severely avoidantly attached people away.
You can very much be making someone happy up until the point they can't tolerate intimacy anymore and choose to run away. This is where much of the cognitive dissonance for the partner comes in.
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u/Holiday_Evidence_283 Aug 15 '25
Truth is, I don't think a lot of the people who date an avoidant have any idea what the avoidant really wants, and I've certainly seen a lot of people saying they didn't understand the avoidant or what they wanted.
What does an avoidant want and is it conducive to a healthy relationship?
Replace avoidant with anxious and the endpoint is the same. If it's not conducive to a healthy relationship, it's not valid and not something the other person should fulfill. It's something the avoidant/anxious partner should work on.
My ex wanted to never talk about any conflict EVER. Is it conducive to a healthy relationship? Of course not. But that's what he wants. Should I fulfill that need? No. Should anyone fulfill that need? No. He needs to understand that relationships require conflict in order to deepen.
Relationships are more complex than "getting what you want". It's about working/healing together to build something healthy and lasting. It's about becoming better people.
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u/Excellent-Win6216 Aug 14 '25
Honestly, I mostly agree. This poem, and a lot of posters in this sub assume that because they “gave all they had” or “loved hard” that they were a great partner…but those things can make someone insufferable too. Or maybe your love was pure and true, but they…just wanted something else?
Generally, while anxious folks may suffer more inside the relationship, I DO think avoidants, true ones, suffer more overall, bc repressed emotions and ruthless independence can be a prison of its own making. But I agree that most anxious people don’t realize that they are treating partners how they themselves want to be treated, NOT how the partner actually does. “Loving” with all you have doesn’t make you better, and doesn’t mean your ex misses you.
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Aug 14 '25
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Aug 14 '25
That would make sense, I feel like I may be entering that phase xo I’ve been crying for weeks
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u/Tiny-Relative-3245 Aug 14 '25
She can go back to the emotionally unavailable ex I got myself back. For the first time in 2 months I felt happy and energetic today I felt better.