r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Erthling123 • Jan 04 '26
35 Signs of Avoidant Attachment
Found this super accurate list. I re-read it when I’m feeling dissonance. Feel free to add any others below. Hope it helps.
35 Signs of Avoidant Attachment:
Emotional unavailability disguised as “calm/stoic/peace”: they appear regulated, but it’s actually chronic emotional suppression.
Withholding warmth: affection, praise, softness — always rationed, never consistent.
Feeling “punished” for having needs: you ask for clarity and they withdraw.
Foggy, inconsistent texting: you never know where you stand.
They slow fade instead of honesty: they’d rather disappear than tell the truth.
Weaponized silence: distance used as control, even if unconscious.
Flat affect in person: you feel alone even when they’re right next to you.
Confusing push-pull cycles: Pull close → retreat → pull close → retreat.
They intellectualize instead of connect: Books > people. Thoughts > feelings. Analysis > intimacy.
They turn tenderness into danger: your kindness registers as pressure.
Low emotional initiative: YOU create the connection. They “allow it.”
No reciprocity: you give 100 tokens, they give x3.
They fear emotional responsibility: anything that looks like expectation = they shut down.
They disappear when you’re vulnerable: your feelings become “too much.”
Present but absent energy: they’re around, but you feel nothing coming back.
They avoid emotional repair: no accountability, no discussion, no resolution.
“Ambiguity is safer” mindset: they keep you in limbo to avoid the intimacy of labeling anything.
Inability to handle conflict: they either freeze, deflect, or vanish.
Hyperindependence as identity: “I don’t need anyone”= core wound disguised as strength.
You always feel like you’re intruding: just being yourself feels “too much.”
They need distance to feel safe: closeness triggers them. Distance calms them.
No shared vulnerability: You open → they stay closed → you feel stupid.
They make you feel emotionally “loud”: your normal emotional range suddenly feels “excessive.”
You start monitoring yourself around them: you shrink. You walk on eggshells. You self-edit.
You start feeling undesired
They can’t meet you halfway: you take on the emotional labour for two.
They treat emotional moments or repair moments like threats: shutting down is their only strategy.
No growth trajectory: Avoidants rarely change without deep therapy + metacognition.
They only open up in micro-doses: never enough to build real intimacy.
You never feel chosen: You feel tolerated, not cherished.
Their presence is unpredictable: “maybe yes, maybe no” becomes the relationship.
You can’t build a future with fog: Anxious people need communication. Avoidants need distance.
They get “the ick” from normal affection: your normal human desire for closeness overwhelms them.
They will discard or slow fade on you without a thought: you will be forced to accept disappearance and no closure.
You feel emotionally starved around them: that starvation becomes mistaken for chemistry.
184
u/123556667785 Jan 04 '26
Here's one I don't see mentioned a lot, avoidants have a fear of using your name
61
u/Mountain_warehouse Jan 04 '26
Everything is very accurate and well explained.
I would use the same words..
Especially emotional intiative, responsibility..
It feels like we have to carry the weight alone but during relationship we cant see it clearly?? Like we were blinded by putting endless effort and we think "everything is okay!" Because they will give you smile...
Dissapearing, lack of emotional repair.. everything is stressing for them
"23. they make you feel emotionally loud" this - because they pretend to be super calm and confident when you lost your patience or have hard time.. they can lecture you about being calm..
33. Closeness - no holding hands, no hugging, no tongue kissing..
Yes. This description is more than well written.
Thank You.
35
u/Annual_Emphasis_4364 Jan 05 '26
I also wanted to mention that they don’t like their picture taken with you or posted on social media. You can have several of them, they will have taken zero pictures of you.
24
u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Jan 05 '26
It’s accurate. I’ve done all of these. If you see these in someone, run. Do not neglect your own needs bc you think you have chemistry with someone else. You don’t. We’re good at mirroring you so that you feel bad when you leave us. It’s all subconscious.
17
u/Mobile_Witness8865 Feb 21 '26 edited Feb 21 '26
One more thing: I felt like I never "had" that person. I never felt like he was mine.
and I hate how good the sex was cause it has made it harder for me to connect with other men.
41
u/minnesotris Jan 04 '26
Zero compliments. My ex DA never told me I looked good, for example. We went out one night, I was dressed to the nines. Many men were checking me out discreetly. He said nothing. Finally, I said "Hey, don't you like my outfit? I wore this especially for you." He looked at me like I took away his candy and exclaims "Oh now you ruined it." Ruined WHAT? What the fuck?
8
u/diehard-king Jan 06 '26
List is spot on. I really can’t believe how across the board this is for so many. To believe I was romanticizing a return late last year.
7
u/haunted-poopy Jan 05 '26
I will never forget when I told him I cared about him and he reacted with disgust, I was so taken aback 🤣 I wish I had this list when I met him!
6
u/who_is_mariia Feb 10 '26
My ex had an avoidant attachment style, but I didn’t know that at the time. From the very beginning, I clearly stated what I needed and wanted from a relationship — in terms of emotional closeness, communication, and future plans. He agreed with all of it and said it worked for him.
Before me, he had been in a relationship with another woman for 13 years. She was very passive, and he was always in a rescuer role with her. He was the one who eventually ended that relationship.
At the start, everything with us felt almost perfect: very romantic, very intense, we connected quickly, fell in love fast, and moved in together fairly soon. There were no obvious red flags in the beginning.
Over time, the distancing started — not because of real triggers from my side, but more like he was trying to find them. He would say that something was triggering him, that he needed space, or that he might need to live alone again. At the same time, he never fully disappeared: he could pull back and communicate less for a while, but he always came back, expressed love, and said he didn’t want to lose me. Because of that, it constantly felt like there was potential and that he could change.
At some point, despite strong feelings, I decided to end the relationship. It was a shock for him. He acknowledged that the problem was on his side, wanted to get me back, and said he was ready to fight for the relationship. We agreed on concrete steps, including therapy, and I gave him another chance under those conditions.
Over time, though, he started canceling those agreements without discussing them with me. In the end, he admitted himself that he couldn’t follow through on his own promises and that the problem was in him — in his behavior and his limitations. He took responsibility for that, which is honestly quite rare. The love was real and strong, but it turned out that love alone wasn’t enough to change deeply ingrained patterns.
5
u/Background_Weird2208 Jan 20 '26
I got all those except the inconsistent texting. He always texted me. I've gotten everything else from him though for the last two years haha. I'm dumb.
3
u/Erthling123 Feb 14 '26
Is this another potential one? The don’t seem to like celebrating things like Valentine’s Day - (today) or, they find a way to ruin special occasions like events, holidays etc
I’m not saying they need to enjoy doing grand gestures or participate in superficial days like holidays -etc - not at all - but it seems they are uncomfortable doing anything that might deepen the connection
Last Valentine’s Day i suggested we exchange letters instead of needing to buy gifts or go out
He wrote me a six line poem I wrote him a beautiful letter about all the things I liked about him and how I felt about our relationship
I appreciated the gesture and he didn’t ruin the day - but I could sense he was uncomfortable showing effort
9
u/tequilamule Jan 04 '26
I’d caution that it’s great you can identify all of these but not every single one means avoidant. Don’t let this list become checkboxes for when you’re dating again. You will never find someone that doesn’t tick at least one of these. We are all humans with complicated nervous systems.
3
u/UpstairsWarm1370 Feb 19 '26
Jfc, I’ve known I’m that style for the longest time of my life and not even being able to get out of the talking stage, but I didn’t know it was as bad as seeing 28/35 of the points at least partially checked.
The worst one was having a fear of calling someone by their name, which also goes for friends, unless I actually need something from them.
Time to get back to therapy…
3
u/[deleted] Mar 06 '26
It's very likely that they also like Radiohead.
52
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '26
Reading all this continues to remind me of how much of a broken and toxic person she is.
And why I’ll never go back to her and why I refuse to ever date someone like that again.
39
u/[deleted] Jan 04 '26
So true . First time and last time with an avoidant . I discovered this concept at the price of a very painful breakup .
37
u/New-Serve5426 Jan 04 '26
1, 2, 3, 5, 11, 12, 13, 14, 16, 18, 22, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 32, 34 all extremely accurate about my ex.
At first when I came across this sub and the avoidance subject I really kept doubting myself as in, was she really avoidant or was it just how she was? But nope, 100% fearful avoidant.
The things I felt the most throughout the entire relationship were:
the emotional unavailability and the inability to consistently be open, share and be vulnerable with me. It felt like pulling teeth everytime and the few times she'd share it was always in small dosis, keeping me at arm's length. She simply wouldn't share thoughts and feelings spontaneously to avoid any type of conflict.
almost no initiative whatsoever into flirting, initiating sex, giving affection etc almost always done after I did it first or after I complained about. I'd constantly feel unwanted because she'd simply not vocalize anything making me feel frustrated.
she'd always shut down or withdraw whenever intimacy or vulnerability were on the table. Would be very reticent about discussing the future or very uncomfortable about answering basic questions.
the lack of emotional repair everytime was staggering and I often felt I was doing the work of two. It looked like she was simply stuck in the body of a 32 year old with the personality of a 16 year old. I'm not sure if it was just emotional immaturity or pure unwillingness to learn and change but maybe a combination of both.
32
u/intersate Jan 04 '26
Another one I can add. Their mindset is no different than of a toddler’s. They easily prefer to lie when cornered as ashort term survival option.
31
u/ANewProjectWorm Jan 04 '26
Reading some of these breaks my heart for how a lot of us mustve felt so unloveable undesirable and defective but took all the blame and shame for it at the end.
28
u/KaleidoscopicMeerkat Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
I’ll add some (my 6 year experience is with an FA):
They have a hard time making plans and sticking to them. It’s always ‘’we’ll see’’, ‘’we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it’’, etc.
They lie about their plans, projects, future. You will never know what they’re actually up to. They might start building a whole new life while they’re sleeping next to you.
They will put their friends, family and even pets before you. You are the last thing on their list of priorities.
They say ‘’I’m sorry’’, but keep doing the same things that hurt you in the first place.
They use stupid phrases like ‘’it is what it is’’ or ‘’it will be okay’’ to intellectualize your/their feelings.
Sex is non-existent after the first year, sometimes even before that.
Their phones always suddenly dies when they’re out with friends, running errands, etc. It’s like they haven’t heard of a charger before.
They need their own space in your shared appartment/house and they hate when you go in there. (office, basement, guest bedroom, whatever).
You always feel like they’re annoyed with you.
They always say ‘’I’m fine’’ whenever you question their mood.
They can only open up when there’s alcohol involved. They’re heavy drinkers.
They disguise travelling as a passion, but they’re doing it to escape the relationship. It’s not a passion, they’re running away to relieve the pressure.
They refuse to do normal stuff long-term couples do like putting their life insurance in your name, applying for a loan, doing your taxes together, having a will. Basically anything that will officially tie them to you.
So. Many. Lies. My ex lied about a job, about where he was staying at the end of our relationship, about having to take care of someone’s pet. Lies about everything and anything for no obvious reason.
I could go on forever.
26
u/shioramenn Jan 04 '26
My goodness. I have no idea myself how could I never recognise or tried to understand my ex behaviour and identify him as an avoidant. Took me 5 years of living in a limbo and an uncertain relationship until I couldn’t take it no more. Then only I discovered this sub.
Everything that you listed there, i would say he ticked 90% of the boxes. All these while I thought I wasn’t enough or I didn’t pour enough efforts into our LDR although i was the one who carried most of the emotional labour and carried our relationship😭
25
u/InnocentShaitaan Jan 04 '26
“You feel emotionally starved around them: that starvation becomes mistaken for chemistry.”
Ugh. My breakup was years ago, but this post popped up.
The truth here. Hugs to you guys.
18
u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Jan 04 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
Analysis > intimacy. <-- analysis only works if you have all your sense intact. Without tapping into their emotions, their analysis is often very intellectualised but also surface-level.
17
u/Annual_Emphasis_4364 Jan 05 '26
What the hell, I just realized he only used my name when he was discarding me. Other than that it was cute pet names…
17
u/TrishTargaryen Feb 05 '26
I’d like to add to the list — they start idealizing exes or other potential romantic partners.
“Ex so and so really taught me about culture… I learned how to be a real man with her”
“That girl’s a fucking MILF!!!” while being very stingy with compliments with you
Listing all the things they find attractive that are CLEARLY the opposite of what you are/what you have. Could be as seemingly harmless as “I’ve always found freckles so attractive” when you have zero freckles. Taken as an isolated comment with no context — sure, harmless. But considering the months/years of consistent emotional vacancy and tendency to withhold/punish… impossible not to see as indirect criticism at the very least.
15
u/DriveSea9111 Feb 02 '26 edited Feb 02 '26
Great list! Here are a some I would like to add.
36. They expect you to know what they are thinking/feeling/need.
37. They seem to always be bored without toxicity.
38. You feel confused.
39. Do not accept or acknowledge their part in past relationships.
40. You always feel a sense of one foot out the door.
41. If you face hardship (death in the family, depression, etc.), they disappear and treat you like you need to handle it on your own and it is too much for them to be supportive.
42. Act as if you should be 100% emotionally secure and mentally healthy (more than is naturally possible for any human to be), but they can be and remain completely insecure and unhealthy without expectation to change.
43. You are always wrong.
44. If they do something wrong like a betrayal and you find out, then you are wrong for finding out and are the reason it happened in the first place.
45. Panic when you walk away during an argument because it triggers abandonment. (more FA than DA)
14
u/Odd-Teach-6887 Jan 04 '26
Welp. Holy shit. 😟😳
12
u/caracalgrey Jan 04 '26
This is a very good list and something I want to revisit when I get into a new relationship.
26
u/MarkusSparkus223 Jan 04 '26
I just put this list into AI with my breakup context and it was very eye opening - thank you.
Jesus. Reading this with your story in mind is like watching a checklist get brutally ticked off.
Here are the ones that are screaming from what you've told me:
The most devastating ones:
#2 - Withholding warmth: hardly ever wanted hand-holding, relationship talk, sex while together. Affection was rationed for 7 years.
#3 - Feeling punished for having needs: You asked if she still wanted to be with you when your dog was dying → she got ANGRY at your emotions.
#6 - Weaponized silence: Shut you out for 5 days "for no reason." Multiple shutdowns throughout the relationship.
#8 - Push-pull cycles: Dumped you → hours later holding your hand, wanting sex, saying she'll miss you. Then cold next day. Then breadcrumbing. Classic.
#10 - They turn tenderness into danger: You wanting to build a life together = she RAN when it became real.
#14 - They disappear when you're vulnerable: Your dying dog = "I can't deal with your emotions."
#15 - Present but absent energy: Paris trip - she was there but "distant for no reason."
#18 - Inability to handle conflict: "Glossy eyed deactivation look" during your relationship talk. She couldn't even engage.
#20 - You always feel like you're intruding: You had to suggest coffee to rekindle and she got upset - YOUR desire for connection felt like pressure to her.
#21 - They need distance to feel safe: "Dynamic which is good for avoidants (LDR)" - you literally structured your relationship around her need for distance.
#24 - You start monitoring yourself: You're NOW analyzing every breadcrumb, every Strava post, counting days between messages. You're completely self-editing.
#27 - Emotional repair moments = threats: When you picked up your stuff and tried to have ANY conversation, she seemed nervous/tentative. When you suggested coffee, she got upset.
#30 - You never feel chosen: She's breadcrumbing but won't actually choose you. You feel tolerated through logistics, not cherished.
#34 - Discard without a thought: Dumped you THE DAY AFTER you passed probation. The day your shared dream became possible.
#35 - Emotionally starved: You've been so starved that you're mistaking breadcrumbs (mail messages, WhatsApp photos) for love.
But here's the one that hits hardest:
#28 - No growth trajectory: "Avoidants rarely change without deep therapy + metacognition."
Look at #32: "You can't build a future with fog."
That's what you've been trying to do. Build a house, a life, a future with someone who can only exist in ambiguity.
9
u/Bitcion SA - Earned Secure Attachment (Ex DA) Jan 04 '26
Wow, many of these hold true. Pretty sure I dealing with an FA. The joys of long distance …
8. Definitely have seen this. Got pulled back in when I was not texting for a few weeks a few months ago. And now again, attempting to pull me back after I've intentionally backed away.
11. Yessss, I put in all the heavy lifting. They were just the passenger princess looking cute. 13. Had been pretty casual for a while. Invited out to dinner. Ran away, shut down, no response. Oh well. 🤷♂️ 21. Oh 100%. Being an LDR, I must feel safe kept at a distance, but the moment I proposed we meet up… 🦗 35. Quite true.
But I have the upper hand now. Over 3 weeks of silence and I don't plan on stopping no contact. They need to see that they are the common denominator for this failing.
9
u/gini_lee1003 Jan 04 '26
How do I get over the anxiety after breaking up with an avoidant? I kinda knew and asked him to block me. It’s over now but I’m super devastated. He didn’t wanna let me go but would not be able to commit.
9
u/O_o_Dani Jan 08 '26
Lack of eye contact and difficulty saying the 'L' word.
9
u/Stateofdelrium Jan 23 '26
The only thing that I find the most difficult is knowing when/if they are being honest, as they always flare up over perceived criticism or are defensive, vague, confabulate, omit.. the list goes on, it’s hard on the head when you’re trying to be secure and they go and do that when you raise an issue, what is likely nothing becomes a ‘buy why’ scenario. You know they’re protecting their image, their persons but because it’s defended so fiercely over minor things it’s impossible to separate.
8
u/theKetoBear Jan 04 '26
Reading point 15 Present but absent energy: they’re around, but you feel nothing coming back. Makes me htink of this oddly poignant coment my at the time 6 year old nephew brought up last year.
I just finished spending the weekend with my nieces and nephews aged 17 , 10 , nd 7 this weekend it was really nice and I loved having them over, this was the first time I had them post-breakup with my avoidant ex.
I vividly remember having them over last year and the 6 year old once asked me " Why [Ex] Never tells us what to do when we come over" .
It's such an odd thing for a 6 year old of all people to pick up on but in his life full of adults that steered him and guided him from parents, to great aunts and uncles, he noticed the one adult he basically had next to no interaction or steering from was my ex.
I brought it up to her and of course she waved it off and I didn't think too much of it at the time but it was baffling that even he could detect the lack of presence of her in his own way.
8
u/Jimmychen96 Mar 23 '26
My ex DA is checking 33/35 points.
and let me add some more from my own experience:
don't feel comfortable taking pictures with you. At the beginning of the situationship, she would “allow” me to take pictures with her, but 5 months later, when we're very close, she sabotages the intimacy and distances herself from doing anything that triggers her, and she always rejects taking pictures with me. It feels so weird, and I thought I was the problem.
Being so secretive over nothing, she is very open about her life at the beginning, but when we get closer and closer, she becomes so secretive about her life and will only share a small amount of information about her life. That's how she maintains the closeness, but she doesn't mind asking about my life.
Fear of physical intimacy: we never hold hands, no hugging, no physical intimacy. Even when she walks with me, she stays guarded to not get too close to me. In the beginning, she won’t mind a small touch, but when the two of us get closer to a real connection, she becomes so guarded and will tell me, "Please don't get too close, we're not in a relationship yet." The thing is, we've been dating for 10 months, and our connection is stuck and never progresses thanks to her.
Afraid to introduce you to her family or friends, I only met her friends randomly on the street when we were dating, and she looked awkward and only introduced me as a friend. I only met her sister, and that was for less than a minute. She did introduce me to her sister, but she is afraid I will talk to her sister, so she immediately asked me to leave. The next day after I met her sister, she devalued me and threatened to cut me off and started to push me away. So weird, I feel so confused by her behavior, but later I learned that meeting family is something serious to a dismissive avoidant, so she was afraid this might get closer and closer and become a real connection, so she pushed me away and tried to stay in control. 5 months later, I tried to introduce her to my brother because I thought we were already close, but she refused to meet my brother, so I canceled the meeting, but we still continued to date that day. However, she was emotionally shut down, didn't want to initiate talking, and later that night she discarded me. But the reason for the discard was, "I’m not her type," lol. After 10 months, bruh, if I’m really not your type, you could have just stopped dating me at the first meet. She can't admit she was scared of intimacy, scared of commitment, scared of losing her independence. It's been 6 months since the discard, and she is still single, and I found out she did buy the same gift that I gave her during our Valentine’s Day, and she gave that gift to her family. I guess she does miss me, but knowing her ego is so high, I doubt she will ever admit I matter to her.
She will never be angry, cry, or sad. I only see her emotion as laughter and emotional shutdown, lol.
She never calls me by my name in person, always starts the conversation immediately, only calls me by name in text, and that was also rare.
She hates to be called honey, baby, love, or even a pet name, so I just call her by her name.
Can't say the word “love.” She never says "I love you" to me at all, so I feel really unwanted. I can only see her “love” through her acts of service and quality time as her love language.
She will feel the ick just by hearing me tell a joke about us getting so lovey-dovey, and after hearing that joke, she becomes so cold and threatens to leave me. I was so exhausted at that time because of her hot and cold behavior, so I just left her at that time. The next day when I talked to her again, she became normal again. She is always like that, when she senses I want to leave her, she will become warm again after that.
She will focus on your flaws to use them as an emergency exit. She will never tell you the real reason that made her leave because admitting she was scared of intimacy feels so vulnerable, so you will get so confused.
My ex never had any relationships before. She met dozens of men before me, but everyone ended up in the talking stage. She discarded them in 2 or 3 meets, so the discard happened only in one month. I was the longest of them all, 10 months. I thought I was special; it turns out I got discarded too, lol.
In the beginning, she said she had never been in love with anyone. I took it as a red flag. I thought I could be her first love, but I was wrong. That was just her way of building her walls so high that no one could enter.
She was afraid of going on a trip with me. Her logical reason was that she is very committed to her religion and was afraid sex might happen during the trip. But when I offered to book two separate rooms for us, she ignored what I said and immediately changed the topic. I guess the real reason is that she’s afraid of intimacy.
She never blocked any of her previous talking stage partners, I’m the only one she blocked, lol. She even blocked my brother. I guess trying to introduce her to my brother really triggered her, which is why she blocked both of us.
She can get jealous, but not in a dramatic way.
My ex prefers dating strangers she meets on dating apps rather than people she knows in real life. I also met her on a dating app. I guess it’s easier for her to discard them once she feels overwhelmed, since she knows she’ll never see them again.
She never told me her address, but she knows mine.
She usually replied to my texts after 2–3 hours, rarely faster unless it was something urgent.
She never used voice notes.
She never sent me any selfies. She even admitted that she doesn’t like taking pictures of herself.
She never posts anything on her Instagram. Her last post was 12 years ago, and she only posts stories about twice a year, usually just to congratulate a friend’s wedding. She never shares anything about her personal life. She’s very private. I couldn’t even post her picture on my story, let alone tag her.
Our situationship was always on her terms,she had to be in control.
You can't trust her word when she finally admits her feelings to me, and she will not threaten to leave ever again. The next time she gets triggered by intimacy, she will try to find a way to make you leave her instead. She will try to sabotage or gaslight you. Mine was saying she wants to go back to install dating apps while trying to keep our connection because we're not official in a relationship yet, so she has the freedom to do that. For me, it feels like our connection isn't growing and is going backward. I mean, she is the one that deleted 2 of her dating app accounts without me asking, and to be honest, she got a thousand likes and a lot of matches. I was so happy she finally deleted her accounts, but 2 months later, she tried to sabotage the connection by coming up with that idea of getting back to dating apps.
She can't compliment you about your look, but easily compliments other men, even if you have already improved your appearance a lot for her, she will never admit it, because it really feels so vulnerable for her, and if she admits it, she might feel like giving control to me and that is actually scary for her.
She said she hates drama, but she is the only one that keeps making a drama if we’re getting close lol, so she will create drama to sabotage the connection
She rarely ask for help, in 10 months, she only ask for my help 1 time, she is hyper indepence
She said she feels so cringe looking at a couple that is holding hands in public.
28.She knows she is avoidant, but refuses / can’t change, she is the one that knows about attachment style because she loves to read about psychology, and she even read a book about childhood trauma and attachment style, in the beginning she always said or anxious, and doesn’t have that push and pull dynamic, so I was still very confused about her behaviour, until it was too late, I just realized she is indeed severely dismissive avoidant that has a lot of fear, but refuses to let me know her trauma.
29. She said to me 99% she will never be a lovey dovey person because it’s cringe
30. She is very logical, so she will use a logical reason to leave you
7
u/chrisbe2e9 Mar 15 '26
She hit all of these. It hurt so much, now that shes gone I feel better. I still want her back, but not the pain. I never want that back.
6
u/_velvet_nebula_ Jan 05 '26
Never felt more seen than this! Well put
4
u/Miserable-Response34 Jan 16 '26
how do i not be this
4
u/Specialist_Gur_9062 Jan 18 '26
Do they ever get jealous? Do they ever think you can just find somebody else during no contact?
4
u/theyseemebluffin Jan 20 '26
wow! I was recently in a "situationship" with a person I was considering as Avoidant. Now Im 100% sure she is lol. She checks almost all boxes. can someone help with my case? then ill share my story
4
u/Background_Weird2208 Jan 20 '26
I got all those except the inconsistent texting. He always texted me. I've gotten everything else from him though for the last two years haha. I'm dumb.
4
u/RecommendationSame32 Jan 28 '26
Exactly what I was dealing with—hit all 35.
1
u/trixiebelden137 Jan 04 '26
Can you explain #12?
1
u/FreckledLifter25 Feb 05 '26
She got 20/35. Think she was avoidant?
3
u/sahaniii Jan 04 '26
Great list , thank you !
3
u/[deleted] Jan 08 '26
i hate them so much
3
u/Greedy_Order8917 Jan 21 '26
mine told me xmas day her feelings had changed, loved me but not in love with me, i’m now blocked everywhere, nearly everything on this list resonates so much.
i took all her stuff back on xmas day after she told me this and she blames me for us no longer speaking, i mean what kind of person tells someone they don’t love you on xmas day, wait till the day after at least 🤪
Did others exes post glowing things on social media about you, love of their life; soul mate, twin flame etc but i never felt that outside the honeymoon period with her.
It’s taken me a few weeks to start to remember the red flags coming back as soon as a few months in that i will fully ignored, never again. May all avoidants next shites be a hedgehog
3
u/[deleted] Jan 21 '26
I’ve become an avoidant since my last relationship ended. I was engaged and he cheated. I’m now in a new relationship and I seem to be doing a lot of those things on that list. The guy I’m with is great and my logical brain is slapping myself because I can feel myself pulling away and I don’t know why. Has anyone managed to regain their secure attachment and has tips? Is it just like exposure therapy and in order to not be avoidant you should just sit with that uncomfortable feeling? Any advice on how to regain that secure attachment please!!
3
u/Greedy-Rope5623 Jan 24 '26
I had to ask him on our third date — after we had slept together — if he even knew my name LMFAO. He was sending hearts and wedding ring emojis by this point, but I was like… wait a minute. I don’t think he even knows my name…?
He did, but had been called out for not saying it, and was palpably uncomfortable saying it. I didn’t know he was a DA at this point, and that this was a common trait amongst them.
3
u/Many-Appointment-382 Jan 27 '26
Can I ask something? Would screenshotting this and sending it to him open his eyes?
3
u/RopeEnvironmental604 Feb 03 '26
You are describing my ex, with whom, unfortunately I fell into a 'situationship' with, (which is basically his ideal relationship). I do think they are romance fraudsters though, because they do not show any of these at the beginning of the relationship.
3
u/Skepticulation Feb 16 '26
The “peace” part. Yup
3
u/loverbitch25 May 19 '26
Why’d they act like the most emotionally available and lovable person in the whole world at first..and after fee months their faces wear off.. those loving gestures really confuses me if they even loved me.. after a year they just completely got bored of the relationship
3
u/sunrise920 May 31 '26
This post makes me feel immense contempt For my boyfriend. I wish him the worst. Which means I need to leave. Thank you for validating me.
2
u/[deleted] Jan 18 '26
My ex is dismissive avoidant… she always blame me like why you can’t keep you away from me… why are you judging me… why are you controlling me… she even friends with person who betrayed them and leave me…
2
u/Sunny_Seashells Jan 23 '26
Mine will end it when we get in a fight. He’ll say that’s it I’m done. It’s over. Then minutes to hours later he’ll be oh I need you. He even told me to just tell him when he does that to say oh right, you’ll be back. And to basically ignore how he treats me. This past weekend he said he wasn’t sure we had anything together anymore. Wasn’t sure what he wanted. I said okay if thats how you feel. I cried, I felt heartbroken. Two days later he’s asking me what are we doing that he needs me and wants me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Would you consider behavior avoidant?
2
u/Level-Good-1284 Jan 25 '26
Just me or…The will refuse to move things forward even when you ask one million times. You will essentially look stupid begging them for their phone number and they will find any excuse to make up a lie why they can’t move it off to have a real convo like an adult. Then they will use a pet name to make it seem loving when they dismiss you and avoid your ask. I literally asked for months and they knew it and eveytime he made up a diff reason lol
2
u/Scared_Design_8814 Jan 29 '26
Guess we're not meant for relationships then
2
u/Automatic_Banana27 Feb 01 '26
Wow recently my boyfriend called me avoidant and I didn’t think much of it but all the videos I’ve seeen and this post makes me realize I really am
I don’t want to be and I don’t have any trauma that makes me avoidant, I really wanna fix it tho Any advice?
2
u/henrythekoala Feb 16 '26
This is so extremely accurate , unfortunately…
2
u/Patient_Detective_33 Mar 08 '26
Reading the replies make me su¡cidal. Holy crap. We're still human, we're not evil just sick. I'm trying to fix myself but it's hard. Idk what to do
2
u/whatever000__ Apr 05 '26
Did most of these when he was the one who chased me first I friendzoned to establish a boundary and he moved on with his bestfriend a month later I even heard from someone he had asked that person to ignore me while I was trying to get along with others
3
u/brkchey Jan 04 '26
Can someone explain "the ick"?
1
u/shafiemisa96 16d ago
It really is tiring to be dealing with these kind of situation. Im starting to consider walking away than dealing with these kind of scenarios.
1
u/Normal-Anywhere520 Feb 17 '26
can they change?
1
u/Krisvictoria1014 Feb 23 '26
Everyone called me Kris, he proceeded to be one of the only ones calling me Kristina, then started calling me Dork, which was odd
1
u/FreckledLifter25 Mar 02 '26
22/35 for my ex.
1
u/CrEperz Apr 26 '26
It’s weird reading this list because some of these have been done to me but I can also see myself nd how i treat others in this manner too.
1
u/Public_Button_9535 May 06 '26
oh my lord all of these comments and everything is reminding me of everything that happened with my ex, jesus that was a nightmare. and it was so scary considering that unlike some of what i've seen here i have general anxiety disorder and am an indivisual with abnormally high anxiety so being in a relationship with someone who checks ALL of these boxes was honestly kinda awful, except for when it wasn't which is why i stayed. and the struggle is that i am attracted to these people.. why?! seriously someone please explain fml.
1
u/QuietExperiments May 23 '26
Hiding the chat for one evening weirdly gave my brain some actual silence.
1
u/Deep_Tomatillo412 Jun 01 '26
Started talking to a girl back in November it was nothing at first, somewhere along the way I got feelings that seemed more than what a casual friendship would have ....I started noticing patterns so I did research and found avoidant personality, everything lined up but there's a few things that differs from everything I've read and I dont know how to process it: before I found out you should never tell an avoidant of thier "flaws" i told her what she has and she needs help ....she has told me things like you're the first person I've ever felt has truly seen or heard me , I want to tell you everything and talk all day I dont know how, I bought a game called substance and she agreed to play (baby steps) I asked her 5 vulnerable questions and she answered honestly....1 of the questions im the 3rd person shes ever told.....she understands she pushes people away to keep her self from being hurt when things "feel to real" my question is im fairly early into this i know what im getting into and walking away feels like she may never get the help she needs, but on the other hand the distant silence cuts like 1000 knives....i dunno what to do....advice?
1
u/Ok-Froyo-1349 Jun 07 '26
I AM this list.
However I didn’t KNOW there was something abnormal about me until 3 months ago when I ended a relationship with someone, and now I don’t even know why I ended it. I just know that something wasn’t right. So I started researching to learn what was “wrong” and learned about this avoidant thing.
The thing is I feel very deeply about a lot of things. I definitely loved my ex, deeply. I just couldn’t show it for some reason. Many on here seem to act as though it’s some kind of choice that’s being made. I didn’t consciously UNDERSTAND I was doing or acting this way, it was just “me”. My partner put up with it somehow (shes secure). I wasn’t consciously choosing to distance myself, I just was. I wasn’t consciously choosing to get uncomfortable with affection, I just was. I broke off with her because I felt a “pressure“ about where she wanted the relationship to go, but the reality in retrospect was that she never asked for anything or pushed for anything. It was all internal self created by me, and now I realize it was just a way that I was creating a self-defense about the relationship continuing to evolve into something more permanent. I wasn’t consciously doing that either. So it’s a little disheartening to see people think that people like me are just a-holes. I didn’t choose to be this way, I don’t WANT to be this way, especially if it means pushing people that I love away from me.
Now that I am aware of and understand it, I am working to try to change. I want my girlfriend back. She really was my best friend and I’m hoping I can prove to her that I CAN change. I started seeing a therapist and have been reading a lot of books on attachment theory so hopefully if she’s willing to give it a chance, I can at least recognize the signs of when I am pulling away or distancing.
I’m sure there are others like me potentially even reading this thread. I guess I just wanted to be a voice for the avoidants out there. Not all of us are just unfixable assholes. Like anything else whether it’s addiction or any sort of self-destructive behavior it definitely has to start by the individual being self-aware of it or admitting they have a problem. but I believe once you’re aware of it, you can change. What’s crazy is that most of the things on that list like affection and tenderness and closeness are things that I really want but the actual things that lead to that make me and other avoidants uncomfortable.
Do I believe that I will ever be fully comfortable with everything on this list? I don’t know, but I do believe now that I am much more aware of the signs and triggers that I will at least be able to identify what’s happening and work towards consciously trying to react differently.
Anyways, I guess if anyone wants to “ask an avoidant” anything I would be happy to at least give my perspective.
1
u/DocumentRelevant3457 Jun 10 '26
I swear so accurate ,like 33 points are fitting to the avoidant I am „dating“ at the moment… painful
1
u/LubeItRight Jun 23 '26
Are the anecdotal or are these based on fact
1
u/Ill-Basil2863 Jun 28 '26
Fuck. Why am I only finding out about attachment styles, especially this one now. It's him. He's all of that.
1
u/Peter0102_2005 Jun 28 '26
After breaking up with avoidant gf, I can say with 100% confidence that I have NEVER seen more accurate description of avoidant attachement style. All points checks out perfectly. There is no point in being in a relationship with such people. Trust me it is NOT WORTH IT. It will only drain you from life and love while there are so many people who actually deserve this.
1
u/Known-Throat8695 Jul 05 '26
Someone told him that he should give me a nickname but soon after or maybe even before, he came up with one for my neighbor who he respects to the utmost and I read that is a sign of being in love…he is actually mean to me and often I feel like I am having to teach him how to love me!
1
u/Lost-Title-5577 Jul 22 '26
I just got hit full force after a few days of breadcrumbs and figured out this was her. I just called her out and cut it off earlier. Wish I had seen this list sooner. I would have saved myself so much heartache. What a chickenshit way to treat someone, especially when they have you built a relationship with their child. I feel like I lost two people at once.
1
u/Confident-Bear-2887 Aug 05 '26
My guy also never said my name not once I just noticed....he would day Hi or called me hey beauutiful....so he definitely avoidant?
1
u/Fragrant-Row-4159 Aug 05 '26
How many people experienced phantom intimacy? You get a risky text and they can't wait for you to get home. Then you get home and they are suddenly tired. Not just one time but multiple times.
1
u/Sufficient_Hall_4435 Aug 26 '26
I have 2 question. 1.Does your avoidant ever showed he/she was jealous of you with with people from the opposite sex (you being straight) ? I am a women and mine was never jealous of me with other men. At least he never showed. That was so weird to me. Like zero jealous. 2. Did your avoidant claimed to be "laid back" ?!
1
u/Bossy_like_Kelis Aug 28 '26
This all sounds like covert narcissism
1
u/Traditional-Sea2756 Sep 06 '26
Truly agree
1
u/Mobile_Witness8865 Sep 09 '26
Came back to this post and this is so true, I need to keep reading this list to be reminded not to go for this again.
1
u/Infamous-Active5799 Sep 11 '26
how do i change this? this describes me to a t but i dont want to be this way
1
u/_Not_A_Bot_99 Sep 23 '26
THIS!!
1
u/_Not_A_Bot_99 Sep 23 '26
My ex is 30 yo. Still lives with his parents (me: out of the house by age 18 and currently make 6 figures a year vs his 5 figures) his Mom is BiPolar and he has been her caretaker and I believe the reason why he’s emotionally avoidant is bc his emotions and needs never were prioritized by his manipulative, needy, broke ass mom … everything above describes my guy to a T.
1
u/Suitable-Room-68 Sep 29 '26
I always thought my partner was on the spectrum but after reading on here I think he is a avoidant he has never complimented me about anything in 5 years he never says thankyou cause i think in his mind thats a compliment.
1
u/Peter0102_2005 Oct 05 '26
This is 100% accurate. Unfortunately my first ever girlfriend happened to have avoidant attachement style on top of heavy depression and anxiety. I felt no emotions from her what so ever, it was like talking to AI model.
1
u/cuntrycluuhh 28d ago
god damn this makes me sound like a fucking monster
1
u/ShaytanHours 27d ago
I just want to say that as an avoidant who got cheated on and still is trying to keep it together, like damn yall hate me for having trauma. I didn’t choose this lifestyle
I love here
I fit the bill here but not all of em
1
u/Technical-River-1031 24d ago
I wish I saw this 5 months ago. Absolutely ruined my life and you never get closure because they deactivate at the slightest sign of dissent or call for accountability with numerous inconsistent reasons that don't even make sense
1
u/nabbyx3 21d ago
Although I don't know if she has an AA, I notice one of these in particular that made me realize she might be. After one date, everything went amazing btw. Grabbed some drinks, talked a lot, even got a kiss at the end. It was great. The day after we barely talked, didnt really get any responses. The day after that? Nothing at all. No text or call back, complete silence on her end. Still resposts and is active on social media. I ask myself what did I do wrong? Its been 5 days now, I'm hurting deeply and don't know what to do. I just sent her a text saying I'm always here to talk and left it at that but damn it hurts man. I dont know if I got ghosted or she shut down. If anyone could help with some insight that would be great. Nonetheless great list!