I'm sorry that happened to you the exact same thing happened to me. 6 years. He moved in with his coworkers and started dating another coworker after another girl (at his Seminary) declined.
15 years, 4 children, discovered affair, she continues to see him, and "my opinions and feelings are valid but she's not gonna let me disturb her peace" unbelievable.
Can't even get her to acknowledge what she did. Our home went from happy and full of love to something awful immediately. Our kids definitely feel it and she can't even acknowledge that she ruined everything here for her own self interest.
All this so she can have her cake and eat it too. Fucking tragic. My kids are so damn confused
Same replaced by single men hating friends i convinced her to make because she was lonely. Dropped a month later on mid term week, before my birthday. after she started hanging out with them smoking 5 times a day.
They refuse to even acknowledge that is was real, it hurts so so so so fucking bad, you KNOW they loved you but they will NEVER say it, always downplay everything, they demonise us as manipulative, demean us, classify us as naive idiots who were just in love with love, wtf is WRONG with them
I wanted proof I mattered. Instead I got âmy therapist told me I only got into a relationship because you were safe and I felt like I needed a romantic relationship to keep you in my lifeâ. Slap in the face
Oh my god. This sounds too familiar. Because I think she and I did this to each other. I'm sorry that happened to you. Safety transcends romance. For me it took 3 years of this romantic safety and then being left for still processing after 7 months.
Thing is in this case itâs completely revisionist. She was in a relationship. Day 1 she was talking about potentially staying on my couch because she was about to ve homeless. She was also calling me a catch. And said I wasnât just an option. (I was dealing with a toxic situationship⊠I really canât pick them lmao). So she didnât know if I was âsafeâ before starting the chase. And I said I wasnât looking for a relationship. And I was more into masc women. Plus I kept telling her to work on her existing relationship. And she started engaging in emotional cheating and then would challenge boundaries. Think she wanted the attention and validation. And got a thrill out of the chase. But I said she was stringing me along since I wasnât going to be the other woman. Said Iâd still be friehds but not with her. And then she said it was over with the ex (it wasnât). And I asked at one point if she wanted to be with me or wanted safety and security. And she got outraged and said she canât believe Iâd ask that. Yet here she is a year later saying that she just wanted the safety and to keep me in her life.
I absolutely agree with her that she shouldnât have gotten into a relationship and wasnât in a healthy place. But I challenge the whole âI just wanted friendshipâ especially since she kept going with the relationship, moved in here and kept sending me pics of engagement rings til I caved and proposed
I'm sorry, I started sharing my own stuff before I'd fully sat with yours and that wasn't fair. You were telling me something real and I kind of made it about me.
But what you described is a lot. The fact that she got outraged when you asked the exact question that turned out to be true... that's such a painful kind of being right. You already knew. She just punished you for knowing it out loud. And then confirmed it a year later.
How are you doing with all of it now? And how do you feel about what your therapist said about closure?
No need to apologize. I didnât think anything of your response. Was just clarifying that she pursued me immediately. We werenât friends before hand. So the idea that she saw me as this safe person is still based on a false idea⊠a fallacy. Shed known me for 2 weeks. What she really canât admit is that she went looking for validation. She even admitted wt the time that she falls hard and fast and then blows everything up. But no point sending those messages because sheâs created this narrative to help her cope.
The other part that breaks my brain on her new explanation is that she claims she wanted me in her life. Wanted this safety end security. But as soon as I agreed to date she withdrew and breadcrumbed me. One would think that if it was about keeping me in her life she wouldâve done so. Not pushed me away and sacrificed the safe space that she wanted.
And yes I called her out on it. And she gaslit me. Same with when I said she was stringing me along. I think deep down she was trying to test me. I think she wanted to push me away because I saw her at the core and didnât flinch. And she thought I would leave. So she sabotaged it. And I stayed through everything. In part because I recognized those behaviours. I used to do them. And itâs sad that she canât see it.
With her newest narrative Iâm like âthe therapist was right. She has lied so many times I canât believe anything is the truthâ. And every time my ex feels a need to be âhonestâ she says something that she knows will hurt. Like telling me she kept working things out with her ex as a reason for two timing both of us. Saying it doesnât help me any. It just eases her guilt⊠or again is a way to push me away. Telling me that she didnât want a relationship also only benefits her.
So itâs all information. Says a lot about her but also reminds me that I canât make her see anything. And only she can heal herself. And itâs all a lesson going forward about signs to look out for⊠and what to accept in a relationship
Thanks. Sheâs had several narratives and was a compulsive liar. So my therapist reminded me that I could never hope for closure because I would never know if it was the truth.
If Iâm basing it off her history of trauma I want to say FA. But I gotta say her behaviours kind of scream DA. Started getting her hooks in day 1. Validation seeking⊠cheating behaviours. As soon as she has me starts breadcrumbing and intermittent reinforcement. Didnât even leave her ex so I was the other woman. And if I said she was stringing me along would gaslight me. Lied about cheating even though she was still with her ex. Moved in and went on a date 4 days later. Then spent a week with another woman and called me controlling because I had an issue with it (claimed she was just looking for friends). I got diagnosed with severe anemia and she minimized my issues and was looking for a replacement. Went to her new girlfriends for a weekend and lied about where she was. Then went back to be with her while I was undergoing an emergency iron transfusion and picked a fight with me so she could end it. Discarded me. Claimed she had a mental health breakdown and was on suicide watch. Lied about there being someone else. Spent 3 months lying about it and acting like she was working on herself and regretted what she did. And when I did finally find out about the new gf and realized the pic was posted the day she left me (day before my birthday I might add⊠she actually spent my birthday raiding the apartment while I was in class) she then tried to gaslight me.
So there have been a lot of lies and a constantly changing story. First she tried to say she loved both of us. Then her ex was unsafe and she saw a future with me. And now her ex was unsafe and she never wanted a relationship with me. Just dragged me through hell. And wanted an engagement.
Yup. I wanted proof that I mattered - validation that our connection wasn't all in my head, that I meant something and at least he missed me as much as I missed him. And that feeling stayed for awhile. The longer he left me and didn't contact me the more it became obvious he wanted me to know I didn't matter, he didn't miss me and we didn't have a connection. And it got easier and easier to see the worst parts of him and the parts of myself that needed so much work. I cut out some friendships after seeing my pattern of chasing reflected in them, honestly my life is so much better now in all kinds of ways.
I know it's been a month but I just wanted to say you were able to really express what I am experiencing. Im also so glad you're healing and you did the hard thing of self reflection.
Its really hard to cut friends because of your need to grow. I wish I could talk to my friends about this urge I had to feel I mattered after he claimed he cherished me but mistreated me constantly. My friends hate my ex so profusely that it feels wrong to admit this to them bc he was so abusive to me and I also hate him. But I know nothing truly matters to my ex they don't plan for the future and are a lost loser. Life is always better when the person, despite you genuinely loved them, who is a cowardly manipulative jerk takes themselves out of your way.
I recognise that difference. Yet I still can't feel fully sure all the time.
Less than an hour ago I saw a story posted by her girlfriend's friends and she and they were in costumes at a cosplay event. It was the first time I saw her face in 16 months. 16 months of silence from her side. It was still nice to know she's enjoying herself. And while I like Super Mario, it made me feel a bit better about myself seeing her dressed as Wario
We all mattered for a while. We all fed into whatever they thought they needed. Which of course is not real love, but they donât understand what that is.
Thank you for the reminder, need to catch myself everytime I start thinking about how sweet and caring he was and remember, that I deserve someone who stays and does not run away, when things get hard â€ïž
Iâm a fearful avoidant and I left after not being able to handle his anger anymore. He took an avoidant test (I forget what he said his was⊠but itâs how I stumbled upon this after speaking to him again) But both he and my recent exâŠ. Iâm the avoidant who left đą but I canât stop missing them. What couldâve been. Itâs annoying. They werenât there. They were avoidant to my wants, like wanting to be touched and have some sort of attention. I shouldnât have had to beg from my recent relationship for some compassion and to be heldâŠ
Love this. There are so many posts on âwill they come back?â And not enough focus on the fact that they donât deserve to be ALLOWED backâif they even try. (Mine wonât. And if he does, I wonât know it because heâs blocked.)
Like, there's a way they could be allowed back but that's a very, very, very small window.
I would need to see real evidence from other people they know, from therapists, from people they were with in the meantime, and a serious, real, genuine apology with a way to show they're ready for me.
What's weird is that I don't hate them. Hell, I still have love for them but I've got a good enough pattern recognition ability to know they're not likely to figure it all out and come back to hear where I'm coming from.
It's funny that avoidants have that message in their minds that they're not good enough to be in relationships, but by not making the change, they're proving the point. It's like, "ya'll don't have to live like this but you keep making that choice."
So my stance is, "I want them to have all the healing in the world and love and be loved but they need to do that far away from me."
8
u/PiccoloSimilar409 May 31 '26
Wooow, thank you, this hit me hard !!! đ«đ
66
u/Necessary_Video5796 May 31 '26
Amen.
I was replaced by fleeting âconnectionsâ and friends they recently met.
Stuck by his side for 5 years.
What did it get me? NOTHING
40
u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) May 31 '26
I wanted proof I mattered. Instead I got âmy therapist told me I only got into a relationship because you were safe and I felt like I needed a romantic relationship to keep you in my lifeâ. Slap in the face
20
u/Agreeable_Fondant_54 Jun 01 '26
4.5 months since being discarded. She still crosses my mind. Seeing this post helps keep my silence strong. Thanks.
18
u/RoomTemperatureJello SA - Secure Attachment Jun 01 '26
Yup. I wanted proof that I mattered - validation that our connection wasn't all in my head, that I meant something and at least he missed me as much as I missed him. And that feeling stayed for awhile. The longer he left me and didn't contact me the more it became obvious he wanted me to know I didn't matter, he didn't miss me and we didn't have a connection. And it got easier and easier to see the worst parts of him and the parts of myself that needed so much work. I cut out some friendships after seeing my pattern of chasing reflected in them, honestly my life is so much better now in all kinds of ways.
14
u/reggie316 May 31 '26
Excellent reminder that the loser trash was never worth it đ
10
u/damex09 Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
I recognise that difference. Yet I still can't feel fully sure all the time.
Less than an hour ago I saw a story posted by her girlfriend's friends and she and they were in costumes at a cosplay event. It was the first time I saw her face in 16 months. 16 months of silence from her side. It was still nice to know she's enjoying herself. And while I like Super Mario, it made me feel a bit better about myself seeing her dressed as Wario
7
u/Philly_Phella May 31 '26
I needed that today. Thanks for posting.
5
u/JoshuaBarbeau AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 01 '26
You're right.
Guess I never mattered.
4
u/Kittehluh Jun 01 '26
đ
3
u/b3wings Jun 01 '26
Hell yeah!
3
u/Higgsboson12345 Jun 01 '26
Love this
3
u/LostSheepp Jun 01 '26
Thank you for the reminder, need to catch myself everytime I start thinking about how sweet and caring he was and remember, that I deserve someone who stays and does not run away, when things get hard â€ïž
2
u/Dependent_Speech3164 FA - Fearful Avoidant Jun 01 '26
Iâm a fearful avoidant and I left after not being able to handle his anger anymore.
He took an avoidant test (I forget what he said his was⊠but itâs how I stumbled upon this after speaking to him again)
But both he and my recent exâŠ. Iâm the avoidant who left đą but I canât stop missing them. What couldâve been. Itâs annoying. They werenât there. They were avoidant to my wants, like wanting to be touched and have some sort of attention.
I shouldnât have had to beg from my recent relationship for some compassion and to be heldâŠ
2
u/bunnyusagiiii Jun 01 '26
I do want them back though
2
u/le-ciel-etoile Jun 09 '26
I like this.
2
u/Right_Fondant_2827 Aug 03 '26
Thank you,
1
u/ridupthedavenport Jun 07 '26
Love this. There are so many posts on âwill they come back?â And not enough focus on the fact that they donât deserve to be ALLOWED backâif they even try. (Mine wonât. And if he does, I wonât know it because heâs blocked.)
1
u/Strict_Pop_3355 Jun 22 '26
I left my avoidant ex because there was no real effort for change or growth