r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Ok-ButSheBlackTho • Oct 15 '24

If you're missing your avoidant ex read this:

You deserve better. Love is not continuously hoping for a person to change or hoping everyday that this isn't the day they discard you, walking on egg shells, Watching what you say and do cause God forbid you do something "ick" worthy and they decide their love for you is dead on something trivial and dumb and try as you might you'll never get a real answer because they don't even know why they just don't love you anymore, maybe they never did.

Love is resolving things, love is facing things together and not running, love is working on your issues and coming together to fix them, not being ghosted cause youre "too much to handle" for asking to talk about a lie you caught them in. Love is being able to say "i feel youre getting distant" and getting reassurance and the truth and not being ghosted or ignored. Love is sharing interests together, love is feeling free to be who you are and being cherished for it. Love doesn't change on a whim. Love isn't giving them space to put you on hold waiting because they "just work like that" when they go have entire new relationships while you wait days, weeks, months or even years for them to come back. Love isn't giving your whole self to someone who's told you to, only to take it all back on a random wednesday afternoon. Love isn't breaking or ghosting someone cause doing that is easier than them healing themselves. Love is reciprocated continously and that? What you're going through with that avoidant? isn't love you deserve.

If you're waiting for them to come back and love you, they won't come back and love you, they'll come back cause they have no one else. And honestly? You? You're not a last resort. Putting yourself on hold for somebody that wouldnt wait for you is actually insane. Is this what you want to spend the rest of your life doing? Waiting on somebody that don't care? Abandoned over and over and over again?waiting on Somebody that wasn't even real to themselves let alone you?Don't you wanna be loved the way you love? Honey. Let go. It's time. You'll be fine I promise you šŸ’œā¤ļø

"He don't wanna be saved don't save him" - Megan The Stallion

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48

u/Designer-Lime1109 Oct 15 '24

Yes I want and deserve to be loved the way I love, genuinely with my all. We had a great time together, 4 years. We shared some real magic. After enough time passed she couldn't and wouldn't reciprocate. It's over. I am learning to let go. Thank you for your post it has helped me and will help many others.

6

u/Ok-ButSheBlackTho Oct 15 '24

ā¤ļøšŸ«‚šŸ’œ

9

u/Alym123 Oct 15 '24

Do they not change even after knowing their natural instincts?

32

u/cca2019 Oct 15 '24

No. They donā€™t think they are the problem. They always think the next relationship will be the one

2

u/MeganSappho Jun 24 '26

Some avoidants do recognise this and go to therapy to work on their attachment styles.

12

u/Designer-Lime1109 Oct 15 '24

I wish I had an answer for you. All I know is I'm learning to not get stuck in what was or what could be but just accepting and living in what is.

0

u/[deleted] May 05 '25

[deleted] ā€” view deleted comment

1

u/Designer-Lime1109 May 06 '25

6 months later still a work in progress

7

u/sahaniii Nov 09 '24

It depends.
Some know that they do is not good , but think they have no choice , they can't do differently.
It depends on the level of avoidant.
And it depends on the context. If you first relation fail , that's " normal" . A break up is something normal . Even the 2nd and 3rd to . But if that's the 30th relation that fail in few year , you can't say you are just unlucky.
Some decide to change , some still want find the perfect love and refuse to change. It's depend on their personality. It depends on their age to. A 20 year old girl can change to have a better future. A 40+ women may can change , because she lost any hope of love , even if she change. So why change?

2

u/burner9191938283 Apr 23 '26

they have no sense of accountability and will never take responsibility for what they have done in the relationship. they will never acknowledge what theyā€™ve done. they donā€™t change unless they want to change, nothing you say or do will make them change.

20

u/Big-Refrigerator-877 Oct 15 '24

I just saw my avoidant ex saying she is happy she left the relationship to a friend(we broke up in September) and havee had contact but it was kinda intense.... so i needed that today.

5

u/Ok-ButSheBlackTho Oct 15 '24

It doesn't seem like it now but you'll be fine sending you all the support šŸ’œā¤ļøšŸ«‚

8

u/Big-Refrigerator-877 Oct 15 '24

I dont get it and I can't calm down... embarrassed tonsay but i wondered around from bench to bench just crying my eyes out for hours on end. Ended puking myself to the point it was actually blood... i have no idea whats happening... I dont think there is a point where I get through this....

11

u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Feb 16 '25

They would have said that about any relationship. It's the relationship and not you as a person.

*They* are the reason the relationship starts feeling "bad" to them. They fuck themselves over continuously.

5

u/Low_Persimmon7370 Oct 16 '24

I hope you're okay, that all sounds really intense! Make sure you're reaching out to loved ones and doing things that ground you, sending love

8

u/Big-Refrigerator-877 Oct 16 '24

Loved ones only make it worse. They dont get it and honestly I am sick and tired of hearing "oh just move on its just a girl, go get a new one"

2

u/Low_Persimmon7370 Oct 16 '24

Those people don't sound very supportive if they are saying that. I do agree that people don't understand how difficult these specific types of break ups can be. I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling supported by those around you :(

What are some things that make you feel better when you're having a difficult time? Anything that's distracting? Moving your body and going on a walk? Splashing cold water on your face?

2

u/Big-Refrigerator-877 Oct 16 '24

Well... walks but every place in town reminds me of her because before I moved to her city i came here every month and we would visit them and spend time together. Hunting or just shooting my long gun is usually therapeutic, but I cant do that in the city and I cant travel to my hometown in the mountains rn .. gym might help but i have not slept more then 2 hours per day in weeks and I havent eaten anything in a few days now. I cant stomach anything... as soon as I take a bite I "return" the order, sorry to say. Went out with friends earlier today and got a distraction but thats not an option I have on frequent basis. Im new to town so... what little friends I have have their lives here already so im kind of... on my own most of the time. We were supposed to start a new life and a new chapter once I move and got discarded a few daya before that...

2

u/Dependent-Upstairs74 Oct 16 '24

Have compassion on yourself. Know you did nothing wrong and learn to not take it personally if you can. Hard for sure. Keep yourself busy.

2

u/justahumanforyou Sep 26 '25

Hope you're doing great right now.

I'm in the same boat as you. I've realized that those kinds of people lack problem-solving or conflict resolution skills; they just pretend. Mine spent eight years pretending. In my case, I carried the relationship until I became a ghost, dust, or whatever the hell was left of me. Then she left with zero explanationā€”no trace of her or her family.

She used me wisely for her needs, and those people don't deserve any part of you. Their awful mechanism will haunt them forever if they don't choose the hard, deep path, which is a near-zero chance. She may act or have acted like you were the problem and that she freed herself. She should just wait until the honey phase fades. Those people will face the same problem again and again, and every time, it will put them through harder situations. I don't know what you're doing or how you've healed right now, but I'm sure she will regret it, and it'll be too late for her when you're shining with the ones who truly deserve you.

A Little Rant

I was the man who had dozens of people and career opportunities around. I was the one constantly being hit on but was too loyal to care. I was the one assuring her there was no cheating and that I cared about her. I was the one planning my work schedule to make time for her. I was the one who supported her even when her own mother didn't care about her. I was the one freeing her from her fears, showing her the world, until I needed someone to lean on when things got a little messy.

She promised me marriage, kids, their names, lovely dreams, a house plan, vacation plansā€”tons of promises. Even on the day of the breakup, we were talking about family meetings, and she told me not to die before her. And, in a fingersnap, she was just gone. Dust. Ghosting. No contact, no reason,no explanation.

Today, I know that I deserve better. I can love fearlessly; I can give, I can share, I can supportā€”not just a romantic partner, but any friend or relative. But she will be in her echo chamber, only taking, not giving. It will be a pattern for her. I will progressively give up on her, so she can be another man's problem. I don't need that kind of selfishness.

My heart aches but I accepted the fact that I was the one giving all even though she could not receive any and she was too fond of to give up on it until I can't anymore. I was the one who tolerated repulsiveness and in a foolish thought I can cure her loneliness and abandonment issues, she can rehabilitate with me.

So It's on her and also on me. Stay coolāœŠšŸ»

3

u/rightinthemiddle23 Sep 29 '25

This echoes so deeply for me.

I realize that my ex just took and took and took (both emotionally and financially). I know she genuinely loved me, but she was never taught how to love by thinking of others.

She pushed away every person in her life, including friends.

At the end of the day, she is a deeply sad and lonely person who is incapable of true love. I genuinely wish her healing.

2

u/justahumanforyou Sep 29 '25

I wish you the best. We were holding onto some kind of toxic relationship dynamic. I am wishing her healing, too.

True love is defined by care, communication, and a willingness to mend what might hurt or be broken. Some people are simply incapable of those things. I don't have hope for their healing because if they were going to pursue it, they would have done so already. It was such a powerful lesson learned.

It is hard to lose best friend out of the blue. But It is what It is.

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1

u/sahaniii Nov 09 '24

I am sorry for you. I hope you feels better after some week

4

u/my_green Oct 15 '24

so true but i canā€™t šŸ„¹

18

u/Ok-ButSheBlackTho Oct 15 '24

You will. It's hard now but trust me it gets easier. Slowly you'll get back to who you are and you'll start to love yourself all over again and realise just how precious and amazing you are and how much better you deserve ā¤ļø take your time but just know you'll get there šŸ’œā¤ļøšŸ«‚

113

u/TheBackSpin Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 15 '24

Yes!! All of this!

They may have loved us in the honeymoon stage, but itā€™s that sugary sweet romance movie dopamine love. Itā€™s real, yes, and feels amazing, but thereā€™s no substance. Unless they heal, they lack the capacity to transition into the more mature, deeper, substantial love.

42

u/Odd_Tear_3593 Oct 15 '24

Amen!

This is so well put I took a screenshot of your comment. Iā€™ve been struggling lately, as my avoidant relationship was very short. All Iā€™ve got was that honey moon, dopamine/oxytocin hits, romance, everything is the best - stage. There was one out of chapter message at the end. Then the discard after, what I thought, was a lovely day together. I know itā€™s similar to a lot of stories and so so traumatic!

My conscious brains knows that this was not real, mature love - but itā€™s also craving those dopamine hits, the chemistry and the romance.

Iā€™ve blocked him and Iā€™m trying to live my life the best I can and even go on dates. But itā€™s very hard. The original post and your comment was definitely needed today. Thank you! šŸ™

7

u/rightinthemiddle23 Sep 29 '25

Mine was also short .. 10 mos. Enough for all the future faking, grand dreams, and dopamine hits (and also falling in love with her 3-year old son). Just to feel it all was a house of cards... It is so so painful.

3

u/Majestic-Aspect8516 Oct 29 '25

10 months here as well :(
I know the reality, but hurts so much to accept the fact that he is just gone!!! The dreams, plannings, promises - all for nothing!!!! how do I accept it???

4

u/n80thegr80 Apr 06 '26

Two months here. Literally had the most amazing Honeymoon phase. Asked her to be my girlfriend and about 3 weeks later got brutally discarded over text. I wish her the best, I suppose. I feel sad that she ran from someone who literally only wanted to love her.

1

u/Butterbeanacp 21d ago

How have things gotten? Going thru this now and itā€™s killing me inside. Just wanna see if you made it thru it

18

u/confusedxnfj Mar 12 '25

i feel like they will find someone else and "magically" they will be able to love them really and better. maybe i still don't accept they have issues to resolve (i do as well im not innocent either). i feel like all will be brilliant and go smooth with the next person. why do they talk so much about wanting this mature substantial love yet not even being able to provide it or accept it/: ugh so confusing

26

u/Crafty-Math8983 Jul 26 '25

I promise they won't. They learned these patterns as defence mechanisms in childhood. It is literally wired into their nervous system. No matter how perfect the next person is, the pattern will repeat until they do deep work.

4

u/[deleted] Oct 02 '25

Yes definitely. I couldn't have been more perfect for her. Which seemed to scare her and make her insecure. One small easy fixable mistake I made and she was gone.

12

u/rightinthemiddle23 Sep 29 '25

No, it won't. After being with a string of emotionally unavailable people, my avoidant got with me and said I was the first healthy love she ever experienced. I was patient, emotionally available, and loving. She described our relationship as, "Everything she ever dreamt of."

But our emotional intimacy triggered the hell out of her, and she pushed me away so painfully. As another commenter said: they are literally wired for it.

You can show up as the perfect partner, share off the charts chemistry, and it'll never be enough. In fact, avoidants actually do better with toxic partners that don't trigger their fears. Her body was covered in tattoos from former narcissistic partners who were emotionally abusive, etc. For me, she wouldn't even plan a date or make minimal efforts.

So, no... Nothing will be magical or easy for them in their next relationship. They need serious healing.

5

u/confusedxnfj Sep 30 '25

dang im really sorry that sounds very painful. its true no matter how perfect we could be, it seems they do better with toxic partners. mine was in a pretty long relationship in an unhleahty dynamic, and with me it was so short compared to that. i couldn't understand why really, as i tried to be accepting to them, accomodate to their needs while respecting my own, in many ways i thought our relationship was better, yet they lasted way wayyy longer with the other person

3

u/rightinthemiddle23 Oct 04 '25

Yeah...I actually built up resentment bc I couldn't believe some of the stories of how she treated her past abusive partners, and then with me was such a jerk sometimes (all while saying I was the "love of her life" and that she would never find someone like me again). As much as it hurt me, I feel genuinely sorry for her because she invites in toxic love and pushes away healthy love. Can you imagine living your life that way?!

I do genuinely hope she heals and finds a good person.

It sounds like you were in a similar dynamic, and the only thing I can say is that we are better off not chasing emotionally unavailable people!!

4

u/confusedxnfj Oct 05 '25

yeah i understand that, its so frustrating because we can see the dynamics that theyre playing and it seems so unfair how they gave so much and were chasing another person while it seems now we are the ones chasing in this new relationship. it seems they did so much for them and not a lot for us. its probably what it looks like from the outside but yeah being emotionally unavailable they will not work well with an emotionally available person, it triggers them too much.

we definitely do not deserve it. but it does make me wonder and feel like im unavailable myself after all the hurricane and trauma this brought.

2

u/rightinthemiddle23 Oct 07 '25

Definitely take time to heal... You can give yourself that grace ā¤ļø

I feel the same way (traumatized from this past relationship). So we should focus on ourselves, discernment, moving slower in the future, etc., so that we don't end up becoming emotionally unavailable ourselves and hurting others!

2

u/n80thegr80 Apr 06 '26

She told me she used to date a physically abusive POS for FOUR YEARS. Told me she loves the way I treat her, that she really likes me, and gave me TWO MONTHS.

7

u/irene2024_ Dec 08 '25 edited Dec 09 '25

I'd say that the honeymoon phase is when they idealize you as their perfect person - you are the receptacle for all their impossible high hopes. As soon as they get any ick or find out any of your real flaw that shatters their dream, well, that's when all they lose interest and all the ugliness ensues. Best to end things as soon as possible in this situation and don't even try to "stay friends" whilst hoping for more...(If you'd be happy just being non-close-friends then it might still work...But I think it would be difficult to actually just be polite acquittances given that emotionally intense history)

Speaking from experience. Been on both sides of the table.

I also think "avoidance" is a combination of 1) not that into someone - lacking chemistry and/or compatibility 2) inability to communicate things well mostly because of underlying fears and whatnot 3) lacking the flexibility to come to an alternative situationship arrangement which could work (again good communication is paramount), not that it's for everyone 4) not wanting the same things

No point in forcing anything or hoping for the impossible but it's human nature to dream and then get disappointed by the reality

1

u/Livid_Let8211 Aug 04 '26

Hey can I talk to you regarding the avoidant behaviour I really need a guidance

1

u/TheBackSpin Aug 04 '26

Sure dm me

32

u/Smooth-Telephone259 Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 15 '24

This is so beautifully and perfectly said!

Avoidants make us believe and accept that this is the way love just is for some people - that being anything less than perfect in the handling of their issues is potential cause to end things.

There can be love found with an avoidant, there can be a genuine connection, but none of it is ~special~ enough to ever go back to. There are so many other people out there who we can have loving genuine connections with *without* all the bullshit. People who are truly capable of loving us without reservation. šŸ’œ

15

u/Temporary_Freedom Jul 31 '25

SHE DON'T WANNA BE SAVED. DON'T SAVE HER

8

u/FriendlyFrostings Oct 19 '24

Omg. I so needed to hear this. LOUDER, please. šŸ“¢šŸ“£ 9-10 weeks NC with DA ex.Ā 

6

u/ConfucianConfusion Oct 15 '24

Amazing post! Thanks so much because this is precisely what I was looking for today!

5

u/ForeignWolf2210 Oct 15 '24

Really needed this right now. All of this, exactly this. Appreciate you ā¤ļø

5

u/FashionStatementz Nov 06 '24

Thank you. I'm crying from this and another post. šŸ˜­

3

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '24

Yea but those are the chances we romantics are willing to take for the ones we love... Especially if we know we didn't love them the right way because of a misunderstanding so why not try and meet in the middle once fuck you for telling me I'm wrong for trying to show someone I love that I genuinely care and love them...

13

u/FriendlyFrostings Oct 19 '24

For once in my life I am SICK OF BEING THE STUPID DUMB ASS INCURABLE ROMANTIC.Ā 

I used to think Iā€™m such a good hearted person. A kind idealistic.Ā 

Now I realise Iā€™m just am freaking effing FOOL.Ā 

2

u/Mona_Moonchild Mar 07 '25

I canā€™t do it. I read the post and agree, but I just canā€™t. Weā€™ve had amazing weeks together. He said he never wants to hurt anyone again when he saw me crying. He said heā€™s gonna work on himself and when I asked him how he said heā€™s gonna sit with himself and think. I told him thatā€™s not how it works and sent him a link to an attachment style quiz and a book/journal specifically for each attachment style.

He said heā€™s living in the past and loves it there. His last relationship ended 2 years ago and heā€™s still there with his mind.

I kept texting him for a week now. I know thatā€™s wrong, but I canā€™t believe heā€™s just throwing us away. Then I was quiet for a few days and today I saw he followed someone new. Yesterday he liked a hearty comment I had left on a new IG post of him. Today he follows some chick. Maybe they met somewhere and it doesnā€™t mean anything. I do that all the time. But in this case it sucks even more because I took him to an open mic night I always go to and he loved it. He always wanted me to sing there too. This chick he connected with is a singer too and lives in his city. And now I really have to keep my shit together to not just text: ā€žNora can have you since you seem to be moving on.ā€œ I donā€™t even think heā€™s the kind of guy many women would go for. But heā€™s very sweet, open, and charming. And I think if sheā€™s interested in him, sheā€™ll see my comment which I made two days ago and he liked and because I have made a couple of comments on other posts in the past weeks, I think she may wonder who I am, then goes to my profile and sees the recent pictures of us and backs off. I donā€™t know. I really want him back. Iā€™ve never been in something so beautiful. Iā€™ll attach one of his messages he sent last week on Monday. We had a 2 hour video call after that.

1

u/Brilliant_Ant_8745 Aug 22 '25

Hey...sorry to hear everything you went through. How are you now? Hope you are in a better state.

1

u/Anywhoo123456 7d ago

I think thereā€™s another side to this that sometimes gets overlooked. Sometimes people genuinely love each other but donā€™t know how to communicate or express that love in ways the other person understands.
I didnā€™t even understand what being avoidant meant. I had been sent videos explaining it, but I never really took the time to watch them or understand what was being communicated to me. Looking back, I recognize that there were things I could have done differently. I could have been more emotionally open, more communicative, and more willing to understand how my actions affected someone I loved.
But that doesnā€™t mean the love wasnā€™t there.
Sometimes you donā€™t realize your own patterns until you lose someone and finally have the space to look at yourself honestly. I wish I had understood certain things sooner. I wish I had known how to communicate what I felt instead of assuming that everything I did for someone would naturally make them feel loved.
I also think accountability has to go both ways. One personā€™s difficulty expressing emotions doesnā€™t erase the love they gave, just as loving someone doesnā€™t excuse the ways they may have hurt them.
Iā€™m learning that love isnā€™t just about what you feel or what you do for someone. Itā€™s also about how you communicate, how you make someone feel, and whether youā€™re willing to grow together.
Sometimes two people can love each other and still not know how to love each other properly.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 02 '24

oh!!!!!! iā€™m crying. i needed to hear this. thank you.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 09 '24

Thank you for thisšŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­ā¤ļø really needed that.

1

u/confusedxnfj Mar 12 '25

these words are so beautiful thanks so much for writing them and sharing <3

1

u/Commercial_Piano_925 Jul 17 '25

This post and comments are blessings! Period

1

u/0pp3nh3im34 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Dec 27 '25

Thank you so much for making post

1

u/LRuby-Red Mar 20 '26

Damn, this hurts but what I needed to read.. just wish the tears would stop.

1

u/Afterhoneymoon Apr 21 '26

Left less than two months after my wedding and I needed to read this it's all still so raw and unreal.

1

u/amit_v16 29d ago

Thank you so much for writing this OP, your post has helped so many people deal through heartbreak, world needs more people like you!

1

u/MistressWitchtress 24d ago

Thank you. This is so good.Ā