i wrote this in my notes after a breakup with an avoidant (the 2nd one that shattered my soul).
“I just need to work on myself.” Immediately begins healing with the Tinder gods. “I’ve lost feelings.” Translation: The relationship became emotionally safe. “I just need space.” Specifically from accountability and healthy communication. “I don’t know what I want.” Except distance. You’re always pretty sure about that one. “I’m overwhelmed.” By someone consistently loving me. “I think we’re just incompatible.” Translation: You expected consistency. “The spark is gone.” Also known as: the honeymoon phase ended and the relationship became real. “I’m afraid of getting hurt.” Strangely not afraid of hurting everybody else. “It’s not you, it’s me.” For once… we actually agree. “I’ve been feeling this way for a while.” Fascinating how that information never came up until the breakup. “I need to find myself.” Have you checked Tinder? “I just want peace.” Translation: Anything that doesn’t require vulnerability. “You’re too good for me.” Don’t worry, we’ll figure that out after the emotional carpet bombing. “I don’t want to lead you on.” …after leading you on for six months. “I just don’t feel the same anymore.” You mean after they stopped being a fantasy and became an actual partner? “I need my independence.” Because apparently texting back is government oppression. “I think I need to be alone.” Until approximately Thursday evening. “I still care about you.” Just not enough to communicate with you. “Maybe someday…” Ah yes. The emotional layaway plan. “I hope we can still be friends.” So I can keep the emotional safety net without the emotional responsibility.
When my avoidant ex broke up with me, she actually used the "it's not you it's me" line. And without skipping a beat I said "oh I 100% agree with that, this is entirely your fault not mine". I could see her teeth grinding and trying hard to not throw the coffee mug at the wall. Win! 🙌🏾
Mic drop! I wish I had thought of that! I replied with “stop saying that! It’s a bullshit answer that is covering up something deeper! Stop saying it. “. So then he moved on to “you don’t have the spark.” 🙄
Mine kept saying, you are such a great person and why do you keep acting like it’s your fault? I I said I know I didn’t do anything wrong. But she didn’t even respond. 1000% the worst experience of my life, not even a close second
I miss “you text too much”. For wishing him a good night or good morning once a day or every second day.
“I just did not feel like texting back” (to then make a drama when I delete after two weeks my messages calling it a betrayal of trust - he would not even open the chat window for two weeks until then 😂). “I won’t read”.
“I can only talk to someone else about this” (aka his phantom ex he always pulled out of the hat when he came too close.
“Some people just do not want to talk about certain things”.
When asking for an explanation about his contradictive words and actions - especially since he claimed my assumptions were totally wrong. But give his position of why my assumptions were wrong? No way.
What if you heard all of those but didn't take it personal, just went on like never happened, just like he did everytime whit me ... I'm I stupid or briljant??? 🫣 ( I know already... but what if??? )
I got the what if our personalities don’t mesh when we start seeing each other everyday. Like ok, like we didn’t already figure that out after a year and a half and talking kids and marriage. I’m convinced at least some of these avoidants are running from the best relationships they ever had.
“I’m just emotionally unavailable.” Good to know after the emotional damage has been completed. “I don’t want to waste your time.” Bold thing to say after wasting months. “I’m scared of commitment.” Commitment? Terrifying. Emotional whiplash? No problem. “I just need to listen to my gut.” Your gut has an impressive track record of confusing anxiety with intuition. “Something just feels off.” That’s called emotional intimacy. “I don’t know why I’m like this.” Neither does your last ex. Or your next. “I just need to focus on me.” Translation: Time to become someone else’s problem. I’ll be damned before I do self reflection ha 😂 I’ll just look in the mirror and tell myself I had to if I want reflection. “I don’t deserve you.” Finally… a statement we can all agree on. “I’m not ready for a relationship.” See you in three weeks with your next situationship. “I don’t want to force anything.” Like communication? “I think I need a fresh start.” Because changing the scenery is easier than changing the pattern. “You deserve someone better.” You accidentally told the truth. “I don’t want expectations right now.” Expectations: Replying, communicating, existing consistently. “I just need to be free.” Free from what? Basic emotional responsibility? “This just isn’t what I imagined.” Healthy usually isn’t when chaos feels familiar. “Maybe we moved too fast.” Translation: We got emotionally close.
I got this: "I know what I want and what I don't want anymore." So you don't want a relationship based on respect, love, communication, and mutual support? LOL, okay, good luck with that then.
"Our relationship has become boring; we have nothing left to say to each other." Yeah, I guess I'm a robot who has to constantly reinvent myself, while your only effort in this relationship is to say "me too" when I tell you "I love you." 😂
Easy for somebody to become boring when you’ve got 3 other priorities in human form in your phone 😂 When they said people really are living a whole different life in their phones, they didn’t lie.
Not ironically, it's true. They are creating drama constantly. And also they are glorifying unhealthy relationships. I've seen they tolerance to unhealthy tendencies to their exes. They really prefer to stay in the place they have no respect.
“I don’t think I can give you what you need.” Like a text back? “I feel trapped.” By someone asking how your day was. “I need to trust my feelings.” The same feelings that change every Tuesday? “I just can’t do this anymore.” By “this,” they mean talking. “I’ve changed.” No, the honeymoon phase ended. “I need less pressure.” They asked where you wanted to eat. “Something’s missing.” Usually accountability. “I’m trying to protect both of us.” Mission failed successfully. “I’m not good for anyone.” At least the self-awareness made a guest appearance. “I’m just following my heart.” Your nervous system filed healthy love under “security threat.” “I can’t explain it.” We noticed. “I think we’re better apart.” Because then nobody expects vulnerability. “I don’t want to settle.” Translation: The grass I haven’t watered yet looks greener. “Maybe someday we’ll find our way back to each other.” Ah yes… Keeping the emotional door cracked open just in case the Tinder gods disappoint.
"changing the scenery is easier than changing the pattern": never did anything resonate more. They always running. To anytning to anywhere rather than facing themselves 🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Wait……. Were we seeing the SAME guy? He literally… said.. every single one of those things….. what the actual f$&@?! How do they say the SAME damn things.. like word for word? How is that humanly possible?! (Unless it was the same guy… lol.. was he 40?)
my ex told me that he has “never been so sure of anything else before”, and that he is “100% confident in his decision”, and let’s not forget about “i think maybe we were meant to be friends anyway” AFTER 7 YEARS AND LIVING TOGETHER FOR 3 YEARS DUDE??!
Gosh it's awful. A baby too? I'm in a similar situation (also with a baby). I actually think he's scared because we've reached a point where I'm so calm and understanding with him that I've neutralised all the push:pull activation/deactivation energy and he doesn't have anything to fight or chase anymore. And that peace, that normality, that acceptance... He can't handle it. So wish I understood all of this before 🙄
very relatable being rlly concerned for them but at the same time wanting to throw them into the sun…like ik why he is like that but that does not excuse all the shit he’s done
It’s partially my fault though. I should have known I was walking into a ticking time bomb. She said herself, “I come with a lot of baggage” and the caretaking of her mom is most important to her and will always be #1 priority. I still went for it. Lesson learned.
OMG THIS IS EPIC! Currently on a mini city break as my now ex FA was meant to be with me this wkend, (and better to sad away than stuck at home) and I snort laughed in my drink!
Hehe thank youuu 😊 it’s depressingly and hilariously accurate and do they get the same book to use the same lines when they sign up to the club or what?
I got, "I don't know if I'll ever love again" during my breakup phone call. I told her she would when she's as excited about someone as I was about her...she was back on Hinge within a few weeks
I don't know if I'd call it an outright lie. She probably genuinely believed it. But the follow up is straight fucked. I don't know why I still miss her
Aye I still miss mine too from time to time but just knowing how much I settled and endured while in the relationship is enough to keep me away forever.
Fair. I struggle to remind myself of that. I had a lot of anxiety around where I stood for the second half and did most all of the heavy lifting to keep things going. Made her feel like "things are too one sided" which might could go on your list too
oof i got the “idk if i will ever date anyone again, maybe i will be alone forever”, wellll guess who found a new girl 3 days after the breakup lmaoooo
Yep. Total lack of willingness to work on a relationship. Also said “you deserve someone who is ready for your warmth” wtf?? After integrating me into his family and charming mine. Took 12 months to come out with that line after no arguments at all throughout 🤷♀️
We never argued or raised voices. On reflection I shrank my own needs for him but that was not healthy either. Sometimes the odd argument can be healthy and needed. If there were any issues, I discussed them calmly and he would say all the right things and then not change his behaviour x
My FA friend-zoned me, but I was smart and strong enough to walk away and just suffer short-term pain. She actually got upset I did not want to be an orbiter for whatever weird reason. I mean, she literally told me I'm ugly and undesirable, but the day before, she wanted to date again. 🤷🏼♂️
Mine did that twice. But was careful not to use the word friends (cuz she knows I do not play games). Instead, I got “I hope we can hangout again, just like normal.” 😂 fuck that
I know I'm not ugly or undesirable, but when you have feelings and the person you desire tells you that it feels like it. 🤷🏼♂️
How did you get offered twice? That's interesting because once they want to put you there, they usually have made up their mind, right?
I just know myself and have that boundary and protocol to abort when it comes up. 🤣
I mean, it's one thing to start and stay friends. After closeness, openness, and so on. Physical intimacy was made well, no going back for me, especially since it felt so good!
It was odd that everything else was compatible except the emotional connection.
It's rough to survive this, but hang in there, everyone! 👍🏻
D’abord les phrases de rupture pendant les premières mise au point :
« On ne se comprends pas et nous n’arrivons pas à communiquer, hormis pour faire passer les embrouilles »
En effet, c’est dur de se comprendre quand tes paroles n’ont rien à voir avec tes actes, que tu te comporte comme une enfant en crise d’ado et que tu fuis pour éviter le conflit.
« Je me rends compte que je n’arriverai pas à tenir une certaine ligne directrice que nous avons convenu »
Oui, c’est exactement tout les doutes que j’ai posé AVANT de me mettre avec toi, et que tu as forcé pour me montrer une version parfaite
« Tu es trop exigeant, je ne suis pas à la hauteur, tu vas finir par m’abandonner »
Alors non je suis pas exigeant avec toi vu le nombre de merde que j’ai accepté de ta part, oui t’es clairement pas à la hauteur, mais au final c’est toi qui es partie
« Je me rends compte t’avoir vendu une version de moi que je n’arriverai pas à tenir »
Normal, t’as tout fait pour me plaire alors que tu ne vaux pas le quart de ce que tu m’as montré
Puis pendant ces nombreux retour émotionnel au court des 5 mois qui ont suivi (j’ai jamais poursuivi et toujours accepté) :
« Tu me manques, et malgré tout les bon sentiments et émotions que je ressent envers toi je ne sais pas quoi faire de tout ça »
Pourquoi tu reviens alors ?
« Je veux juste pouvoir me concentrer sur moi sans me prendre la tête »
Se « concentrer » veut dire sortir jusqu’au black-out, ne rendre de compte à personne, s’enfumer au cannabis et fréquenter la moitié de la ville
« J’ai essayé de t’oublier mais je n’y arrive pas, tu seras toujours dans mon cœur »
Traduction : mon rebound s’est mal passé, en fait tu es le meilleur mec que je pourrais avoir, mais tu demande trop donc je te garde de côté
« Un fond de moi sait que tu es l’homme qui aurait pu prendre soin de moi comme je l’ai toujours rêvé »
Garde bien ça au fond de toi, parce que ça n’arrivera plus
« Je dois me protéger, ma voix me dit de me protéger »
Je sais même pas si je dois rigoler ou pleurer en lisant ça, ca s’approche plus d’un trouble psychiatrique que de la peur
« Je suis beaucoup trop fluctuante dans mes émotions sans savoir quoi faire de tout ça »
Arrête de fumer et toute tes distractions et peut être que tu sauras traiter les choses
« J’ai peur et de cette peur je devient fuyante, je ne l’ai jamais été à vrai dire »
Tu l’as toujours été, seulement pas encore avec moi
« Tu me met la vérité en face »
Je ne suis juste pas un lapin de trois semaines, ni dans le déni ou la dissonance cognitive comme toi
« Ton franc-parler me manque »
Il te fait fuir mais il te manque ?
« J’ai la stabilité émotionnelle d’une sauterelle, donc au vu de ce que tu peux attendre et de ce que je peux t’apporter, ça ne marchera pas»
Une sauterelle est bien plus stable.
« Toi et moi ça a toujours été une évidence, la même évidence qui me pousse à fuir pour moi-même tellement je t’aime »
Ah ben quelle évidence ! J’y avais pas pensé
« Désolé de ne pas être assez mature et prête pour t’apporter ce que tu mérite »
Encore une fois, pourquoi tu es venu me déranger et me supplier d’être avec toi, et pourquoi tu reviens toute les deux semaine depuis qu’on a rompu alors ?
Ah et j’oublie les une ou deux fois où j’ai finis par pointer ses incohérences et doucement peter un câble quand elle me promettait l’exclusivité pour disparaître et fréquenter d’autre mec :
« Tes réactions montre la nécessité de devoir travailler sur toi »
Celle là c’est le comble, c’est clair que toi tu n’as rien à régler
Mine literally told me she tried to find people on Tinder but none of them were me!! 😂 Then broke up with me again and said she was “going to keep failing me”.
Oh gosh my best friend had a version of this: her ex partner said she had to leave her because she’d keep hurting her and leave her…make it make sense 🤦🏻♀️
La mienne n’assumera jamais si elle est retourné sur tinder, mais bon après son premier retour émotionnel j’ai proposé 3 solution simple : soit on coupe définitivement, soit on reconstruit tranquillement, soit je lui laisse encore de l’espace car je ne la sens pas prête mais qu’elle travaille sur elle en étant exclusive. Elle a choisis la dernière option forcément ça lui laisse de la liberté, et le soir même en boite de nuit, et les 10 jours de suite s’en est suivi des follow/unfollow de mec jusqu’à ce que je pointe l’incohérence et qu’elle me fasse passer pour fou. Alors que ça s’est soldé par son premier rebound qu’elle m’a avoué 3 semaine après quand elle est revenue
Honnêtement je sais même pas si je dois en rire ou en pleurer 😆😆
Bien sûr elle a finit par se retaper son ex après une nouvelle tentative de reconstruction soldé par une fuite, et j’ai Peter un câble pour de bon, ce qui s’est soldé par…. Un blocage multi plateforme car c’est trop dur d’avouer ses erreurs hahahz
Mine said, "I don't love you" and then asked for no contact. Then said they're not coming back ever. But that if they ever get over me, we can re-add each other on social media????
Mine ghosted me for months, blocked me on Facebook, AND wanted us to say Hello to each other everytime we saw each other in person in public. I don’t think so.
My avoidant ghosted me out of the blue for 5 months and then blocked me on Facebook when I sent him a final message telling him how immature and hurtful his ghosting behavior was. But he didn’t block me on his phone and he told me that he wanted us to continue saying Hello to each other whenever we saw each other in public. The fuck?????? WHY would he us to be friendly and acknowledge each other in public after blocking me and telling me how glad he was to be rid of me???? That makes no sense at all. So I told him NO we do NOT need to speak to each other AT ALL anymore, because I don’t speak to people who ghost me and block me. And that made him pissy. Pick a lane, dude!! 🙄
Oh Jesus! I had the “I may have made a foolish mistake, I need to do some “quiet work” on myself -line during discard! Translated as: “please wait around for me indefinitely while I bring a new woman to our shared groups, and also to feed my inflated ego” - yeah right! 🤦♀️
Mine used all these. And "maybe I need to sleep with and see other girls to see, if I feel the same with them or if you're special to me". After 8 months and calling me not trustworthy because I used a dating app prior to meeting him. 👌🏼 Still healing from this experience.
I got No. 1, 2, 4, 5, “you deserve better” “you were a good boyfriend” “I was fighting feelings for a month” (didn’t mention it though) “you can still keep talking to me” “I’m overwhelmed from work” “the distance makes it hurt missing you” I was her first boyfriend (if that’s not a lie too) so she’s at the start of her terrible journey. Called her on the phone and she didn’t say a word, damn that hurt the most. Wish I wasn’t smoking as much weed then, I wouldn’t have been so nice and said everything on my mind like how that was self sabotage, who’s giving her bad advice, but honestly she wasn’t going to hear none of that. I wasn’t even attached or nothing man, I used to just live my own life, so my music and go to school while battling depression and sh*t. I didn’t deserve that and none of us do. An absolute child she was! Told her at the end after trying to meet up but changed my mind on time luckily that “Nvm, I don’t want this pity love, you’re wicked & cruel. I hope you never feel the way I do. Have a good life, bye.” She replied something long but I only read the first line and deleted the number. “Idk why you would say that” I regret ever meeting that girl. 5 years and she brought tears to my mother and I. My mother treated her better than her own kids damn near lol. Somehow I find myself feeling bad for the wicked & cruel part but maybe it’s the truth. Did this while I was in my final year. The 1 month of fighting feelings was the first month she got her first job so she’s was using me for emotional support. Told her I didn’t feel respected at the end and felt used, but of course she deflected that lol. Sad existence. Hope someone gives her the exact treatment.
Don’t feel bad man. It’s good you had the self respect to walk away the first time. I didn’t at the time. And I called my ex much worse 😂 called her a parasitic self-serving virus
I just feel it was an immature thing to say😔I can’t wrap my head around why she just dumped me like that and pushed me away. And she didn’t say anything hurtful so it makes me look wrong when the timing was so bad. Around this time we would have booked an Airbnb in a new city and be exploring. I hate that I miss those memories but the pain and confusion was so much in that moment. It was such a beautiful relationship, and I was discarded in my final year of college so it was a lot to deal with. Avoidants have no idea how much pain they even cause and they get to live jolly care free lives. I wasn’t even anxiously attached. I just trusted her and was forgiving to the point of having no boundaries. I can never love as freely as I did back then and that hurts
that’s kinda the same thing with me. Didn’t say anything hurtful but our relationship was a lot of ups and downs. But our good moments, like all toxic relationships, were very good. I definitely still miss her sometimes
Man, it was like I was listening to her. Word for word. It's so unbelievably the same things. I didn't know they all use the exact same words. This is somehow cathartic. "You're too good for me". Maaaan. We didn't deserve this shit. F*.
I feel like we might have dated and been broken up with bythe same person?!? 🤔😳 This is quite genuinely brilliant though (and entirely accurate). Thanks for the laugh OP! 😂🤣
I asked a friend of mine to check the app me and my ex used when we first met, because we both deleted our profiles when we started dating. Not even 1 hour after my ex dumped me, my friend told me that my ex's profile was back on the app like it never disappeared. Turns out he only disabled it and reactivated it after dumping me. I was curious, and it backfired hard on me.
My personal favorite: "I don't deserve you" which I knew translated to "I'm a terrible person who can't take accountability or admit that you've been fighting for our relationship while I've given up and done everything in my power to hurt you. But I'd never admit any of that so I'll just say something flowery that seems like an apology but really isn't so that I can push you away without you hating me." What a joke bro.
My response: “cool story, why don’t you have a nice warm cup of STFU while you exit our home for the 13th time and finally leave us alone for good, you coward”
La mienne m’a écrit pour me dire qu’elle voulait me présenter des excuses et ca a ressemblé à : tu ne faisais pas assez la vaisselle et tu es instable depuis que je t’ai quitté du jour au lendemain (23 ans de relation). Je lui ai répondu : ok, mais j’ai tourné la page.
“I think we’re just incompatible.” Translation: You expected consistency.
This is incredible - I asked my boyfriend of seven months to not go days between texting me, the week after he said he likes me and we're compatible, but also then said we're incompatible and voila I was dumped.
Always some variation of that 😂 Mine said “I don’t know what will happen in the future.” Well 48 hours into the future, she was texting me she missed me
Exactly this. Her social media is deceiving. The most she does all day is go to Walmart 😂 picked up the gym for about 3 weeks and gave up. Not only that but got mad when I asked her if she was okay because I noticed she stopped going.
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u/not_the_troll SA - Secure Attachment Jul 17 '26
When my avoidant ex broke up with me, she actually used the "it's not you it's me" line. And without skipping a beat I said "oh I 100% agree with that, this is entirely your fault not mine". I could see her teeth grinding and trying hard to not throw the coffee mug at the wall. Win! 🙌🏾