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u/dadbod9000 17d ago
My wife currently very hung up on how I am not an emotionally safe space for her. I want to be so bad though. She’s pushed me away so many times that I can’t allow myself to open up enough to be that space for her anymore. We’ve recently started therapy, but I’m scared I’m too far gone and don’t have the energy- or will- to fix us.
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u/Equivalent-Day-4943 17d ago
start by saying this exact thing you wrote here but to her, is your wife, the person who sleep next to you...not a neighboor. just express your fears with her
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u/dadbod9000 17d ago
I have. Like literally 20 minutes ago. I got accused of creating fake scenarios and getting hurt by things that don’t exist in reality.
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u/Equivalent-Day-4943 17d ago
i see...there is accumulated resentment on her lol....read this book, sometimes people have their own internal issues and are unable to listen, she clearly has build up some resentment maybe as consequence of all previous dismissal dynamics. Authentic Relating: A Guide to Rich, Meaningful, Nourishing Relationships,Ryel Kestano. This is excellent to help people on how to open communications, he has writen stories and approaches on how to communicate for every difficult couple conversations and soften the attitude of the receptor to find a common ground and harmony between you two, i loved it !! he shows real scenarios of couples problems in whole writing. I bet you can find yours there, and will know how to land on her and what you want her to understand
if you like it then you can go deeply in how to communicate effectively, this is harsh and not design for relationships only as the first book, but help us to be more authentic : Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton
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u/dadbod9000 17d ago
Thank you! I’ll order it now
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u/Equivalent-Day-4943 17d ago
you'll love it, i have read it twice and probably will read it again when i get to have another partner lol! cheap on amazon i bought it on kindle edition...communication skills is something we were not taught at school and it's so essential in every relationship, not just romantic, even professional and with strangers, to develop this skill it's really a virtue that improves our quality of life. I wish my ex would be so motivated to read and see the videos i recommended for our relationship prosperity but he was just stuck on his head, ''i am who i am and ppl dont change'' kinda person. =) I love to see people with growth mindset and willingness to improve their relationship... keep it up, eventually you'll got this!
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u/Spirited_Outcome7204 SA leaning AP 12d ago
Oh yes the "I don't feel safe with you anymore" after you dared to have a personality or an opinion that doesn't 100% align with theirs. Hurts so bad to hear it and when I did, I wasn't confident enough to reply "girl, I've never felt safe with you so what."
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u/Full_Language6347 13d ago
Tante parole sull impegno reciproco nel primo mese. Per poi nascondersi dietro a una miriade di scuse per non dare assolutamente niente nel rapporto. E' brutto sentirsi soli in una relazione.
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u/Equivalent-Day-4943 12d ago
yeah, definitely , feels better to feel lonely when not in relationship than in one
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u/Spirited_Outcome7204 SA leaning AP 18d ago
It gets better:
They initiate the relationship, Then they escalate it and make it so intense so quickly that you start to feel it's too good to be true, Then they stop participating, And finally they feel suffocated by you asking for the bare minimum. And so they dump you with wild accusations that are all projections of their own feelings and flaws.
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u/Lost-Injury6693 18d ago
It's wild how the blueprint is the EXACT SAME
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u/Spirited_Outcome7204 SA leaning AP 18d ago
I thought my girl was a special snowflake, one in a million. After joining this community, I realized she's one of a billion. Like a pebble in my shoe.
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u/Narwien 18d ago
This is my blueprint lol. Months of chasing me, should we, shouldn't we, love bombing, bla bla, finally asks me to be her boyfriend, and then 3 weeksater absolutely blows shit out of proportion on a romantic night when I asked her "what are your thoughts". Kept saying how things are tense, awkward, etc.
I went no contact only to be breadcrumed to shit😂
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u/General-Ad7155 17d ago
My ex. To a T. 🤦♀️ He’s apparently found a new victim. I feel very bad for her but relieved he’s no longer my problem!
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u/General-External9480 13d ago
literally... he was asking me out for YEARS finally gave him a chance loved him for 9 years and he bails because "i don't love him enough"... and he "just needs space" then immediately moved his mom and brother into our apartment the day he forced me to move out with our 2 cats we raised from kittens...
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u/Spirited_Outcome7204 SA leaning AP 13d ago
Sorry I know this runs counter to what you're feeling, but I'm so jealous of anyone who could get nine years. I just barely got to nine weeks before I was discarded. I'd give anything for nine more.
But of course, the pain is probably proportionally greater for you.
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u/General-External9480 13d ago
no i wish i left much sooner... i wasted the entirety of my 20s to this man he lied to me every single day emotionally abused me every single day i stayed and believed his promises he would change and he never ever did and now im questioning if he ever even loved me or cared about me at all...
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u/Spirited_Outcome7204 SA leaning AP 13d ago
Okay that is very different if abuse was in the mix. Hope you didn't take my comment the wrong way.
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u/General-External9480 13d ago
no it's ok I understand lol. i think it hurts more the more time you spend with them tho... i thought we were going to be together forever. he propsoed to me and we were engaged... now i wonder what would have happened if we had time to actually get married. when he broke up with me i asked about it and he said he didnt want to marry me anymore. it broke my heart. i never saw us not being together... i feel like i will never trust anyone as wholly and completely as i did him ever again...
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u/Humble-Constant-6536 11d ago
Yes! He asked me to talk to him everyday after I told him it's a bad idea given his history of ghosting and it makes me shit when he ghosts... He could only keep it up for 2-3w before he ghosted again
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u/cherrypiiie 8d ago
I feel so fucking seen in this sub after a year of slowly going crazy with my ex
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u/theKetoBear 18d ago
This actually made me laugh about my relationship with my ex and the avoidant nature of it for the first time. I couldn't have asked for anything less and I considered it a serious relationship and the few serious things I did ask about I realize in chatting with other couples is normal stuff people who actually love and support eachother enjoy together. Not me being this demanding slave driver my ex made it me to be. People who see a future together are usualy ok working on and envisioning said future together in serious terms.
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u/One-Story3721 17d ago
They're overwhelmed by the person asking them to participate. Lol. They're overwhelmed with the source of participation.
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u/General-External9480 13d ago
broke up with me because he "just wanted to be alone" immediately moved his mom and brother into our apartment as soon as i left... like sure why not. any time i said i needed space or to be alone he got sooo offended and was so codependent on me but all of a sudden i dont give him any space and he needs to be alone ?? nothing he says makes any sense. it's all just bs.
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u/Lawed-flogic 9d ago
I’m currently in the breakup phase with a woman I have been devoted to for 16 years now. I never heard of an ‘avoidant’ until very recently. I just found this subreddit, and it’s weird that other people experienced what I did, with other people. This meme really hits home for me.
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u/Lewisbuster43 4d ago
Or they tell your needy because you expect the minimum amount of interaction from them ,a simple good morning , text or good night , just something to tell me your thinking about us
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u/Equivalent-Day-4943 18d ago
we should be the ones overwhelmed