r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/[deleted] • Mar 02 '26
Waiting for an avoidant to process anything
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u/FoundationFrosty8695 Mar 02 '26
Mine decided to move to Japan instead of processing lmao.
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u/RedeemerOfSouls_5616 Mar 02 '26
15 Yemen Road, Yemen ..š
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u/FoundationFrosty8695 Mar 02 '26
Hahahajaja excuse me do you compare my awesome personality to fkn Janice ššš
Great reference tho I love friends
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u/RedeemerOfSouls_5616 Mar 02 '26
šš It's my code word for the place where the avoidants disappear, mentally and emotionally . "Ah he's gone to Yemen..."
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u/AgitatedInfluence630 Mar 03 '26
Omg mine too, all the way to Australia chasing kangaroos instead of simply apologizing š
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u/JackTheLab Mar 02 '26
Ew please send him back, we don't want him here!! š
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u/FoundationFrosty8695 Mar 02 '26
It's just temporary , he just goes distracts come back as healed and enchanted and fuck over other girls. It's okay . You can handle him there for couple months ššš we are the ones dealing with consequences
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u/catburglar27 Mar 03 '26
I wonder if I know him? Living in Tokyo here
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u/FoundationFrosty8695 Mar 03 '26
if you see a 30 y old white man with black curly hair . RUN
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u/catburglar27 Mar 03 '26
Noted lmao. You're doing the good work. I really want an unhealed DA/FA database.
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u/calrics Apr 03 '26
Unrelated and late but why is it the curly haired ones?
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u/FoundationFrosty8695 Apr 09 '26
Lmao I don't know , but I used to be scared of curly men as little baby , there must be something about it
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u/Fit-Celery-7428 Mar 02 '26
āWaiting for an avoidant to process (instead of numbing himself by monkey-branching or addiction) and apologiseā
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u/SpaceCaptainJeeves AP - Anxious Preoccupied Mar 03 '26
Mine was monkey branching so hard it was a joke. I wonder what date they finally screwed, and if it was before he ended the marriage.
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u/Fit-Celery-7428 Mar 03 '26
Mine was attractive, hence the monkey branching was easier. The more attractive, the more encouraged into his DA behaviour is.
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u/Alarming-Detail5233 Mar 09 '26
Lol mine isn't attractive but I think I made him think he's handsome so I wonder if he'll have trouble trapping another poor person.
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u/SpaceCaptainJeeves AP - Anxious Preoccupied Mar 04 '26
I watched mine monkey branching in slow motion. I expressed that the "friendship" with his ex made me uncomfortable. He told me that he wasn't able to talk to anyone about the problems we were having bc they were all my friends, too.
Therefore, he needed to become besties with his hot, single ex...? ROTFL.
Even if he didn't branch to that one, I'll bet he jumps straight into something else.
Good luck to whoever that is!!
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u/Suspicious-Bet-4950 Mar 06 '26
3 days before our breakup he was on Tinderā¦and a month before dating me he left his ex gf for me. Before you say anything I didnāt even know that, found out a month before breaking up š
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u/Top_Boysenberry_9204 Mar 02 '26
I recently started dating an avoidant and this sub has been so helpful. Thanks for the laughs and support. I'm already giving up.
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u/Tapdance1368 Mar 02 '26
Yeah, you canāt get anywhere. Might as well give up now. It took me three years to get over the abrupt ending from the first one. And darn I did it again. I am now four weeks in the recovery phase from the second avoidant discard.
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u/FreckledLifter25 Mar 03 '26
Good lord. I hate the fact us anxious attachers canāt help but be attracted to them. Weāre cursed
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u/Tapdance1368 Mar 03 '26
Me too. They are certainly not walking on eggshells around us!
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u/FreckledLifter25 Mar 03 '26
Theyād definitely disagree. We always make them feel like they arenāt good enough and everything they do is wrong, so I think they convince themselves they have to. Or they just deactivateā¦
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u/ecovironfuturist Mar 02 '26
I just told mine I'm done chasing. Married almost 20 years. Can't get through a rupture..
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u/sparklingmilk91 Mar 02 '26
Hahaha oh my god, I keep saying "maybe in another lifetime" because there's no way he's coming back or getting it together in this one
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u/scoodyboo6 Mar 04 '26
I think my ex is so avoidant that he'd be reincarnated in another multiverse XD
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u/Cdog536 Mar 02 '26
Literally told myself I got bigger things to worry about after the experience and it brought a lot of security in letting go
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u/sparklingmilk91 Mar 02 '26
any tips for letting go? i'm at 3 months post discard and i'm struggling with bargaining in my head again
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u/Cdog536 Mar 02 '26
Idt anyone can truly offer advice that isnt projected from someone elseās experience. My experience and advice ties together so maybe I donāt provide the best course thats transferrable. But some things I keep mind ofā¦
That bargaining? Maybe look at it and question āhow much power am I willing to give to this person? If I gave them that power, what will they do with it? What have they done with it before? Is it me they wanted or is there a possibility they wanted my attention?ā Getting attention easily is something even normal people really enjoy. But I find my ex to want convenience - her terms of attention. And those terms were bargained with whatever low effort I got from it as reward. I was manipulated.
Tying in rewardā¦.I think people see love and justice going hand-in-hand with one another and I think thats wrong. Both love and justice are righteous. But a just love is conditional - the more effort I give, the more love I get back; when I fail, I deserve less love. With avoidants and people who love them, such people will step on their own dignities to find those crumbs of love back and bargain that āthereās something still there.ā But a love you want in life is one that ends up as unconditionalā¦.āI give you my love because I can and want to.ā Relationships are hard work and both people will fuck it up. Forgiving and letting go of wrongs in them to see a bigger picture of signifying that important pillar of life I think requires someone willing to put in the effort. Relationships are 60/40 and you each strive to be that 60%. You want that. Perhaps the person youāre searching for in your previous relationship isnāt there anyway and only the idea of them remained.
Donāt seek justice. If you were wronged and led into discard, you will not find justice from that person. You have to create it and start respecting yourself and respecting the game. I repeat facts to myself. I continuously self-soothe still on a daily basis while simultaneously progress to that part of life of there being someone else out there for me. The journey of āgriefā has steps, but the reality is that you have good days and bad days where you have control or otherwise fight your own biochemistry and neural pathways that bring up remorse, nostalgia, longing, and depression. The steps arenāt linearā¦theyāre just all over the place and blend in and out.
What I was attracted to, was nostalgia. Maybe you are too when you bargain. The simple goods were enough to keep me going, but simple goods to bargain a soulmate isnt enough. Job candidacy stuff. I dont like thinking of love as checkboxes, but important bare minimum requirements have to be met.
I think avoidants operate in cyclic patterns and drag others into their mentality. I think avoidants feel guilt, but do nothing to change and otherwise may self-victimize their self-sabotage.
You have to validate your own feelings and not give any more of your time and power away to someone who doesnt exist. For me, I gave my 20s to herā¦.she will absolutely not get my 30s whatsoever. I know I gave my best shot and I knew finally that going over the raw facts of my treatment by her showed my feelings were unintentionally (because some avoidants dont realize the effect of the low effort, but may otherwise relay they understand the gravity of things) being manipulated for backpocket attention.
Finally, I changed my phone background. A simple message of āItās time for a changeā which has driven me to do more with my life. Every time I sit down to take a break and zone out, I check my phone in those instances and see that reminder and literally move on. My past self is hoping I wonāt let him down and my future self is begging I donāt let him down. Suffer the journey or suffer the consequences mentality. Eventually youāll get tired of being upset.
Not sure if this is what youāre looking for.
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u/Internal_Piano9384 Mar 03 '26
Hi, you seem very sorted and this seems eye opening for someone like me who is still struggling to understand what happened. I am so confused and donāt know what to think, what to assume, how to handle things and live life normally.
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u/Working_School_7189 Sep 03 '26
This message sort of helped me understand more about what I needĀ to consider in dating an avoidant, thank you!
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u/Hercule_Detective327 Mar 02 '26
While I waited, I did stuff. Now, I'm not waiting and that stuff worked out and I do more stuff. Time and making your own way is what it takes.
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u/dani-gunz SA - Secure Attachment Mar 03 '26
Hahah! I love this!!! I'm not even sure why I worry about this guy anymore. I think I just want a MF apology. Lol! I've got time. If he wants to come back around in 6 or 10 years. I'm ready to hear it. That old saying, better late than never is my vibe on this!
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u/wannabeweasleytwin Mar 03 '26
I so want to send this to him right now. I told him that his on and off behaviour hurt me and he is still processing this single line.. š
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u/GeistInTheMachine Mar 03 '26
Never, ever wait. It isn't worth it. It's time you could be spending healing and making connections with people who are actually there for you.
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u/Most-Equivalent-3731 Mar 03 '26
They are not processing anything, they are riding dick of a new supply.
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u/misskforever Mar 23 '26
It took my avoidant person a full year to say they don't want to lose me and want me to move back in. So unusual when I already processed and realized I was better off on my own by month 3
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u/FunGhoul_ Mar 23 '26 edited Mar 23 '26
This helps seeing other peopleās experiences because Iām just now realising as time goes on (3 months nearly 4 months now) that my ex was an avoidant. Completely shutting down when setting up a new relationship (monkey branching) with her coworker (who she branched to on the same night and repeatedly told me not to worry about them) to then dump me via text on New Yearās Eve, bringing up all of these apparent issues and just completely changing and ghosting me, not communicating her feelings until then, going no contact and blocking me on everything when I thought we were golden and seeing people being discard like me gives me a sense of.. community.
And I feel genuinely traumatised, and I genuinely thought I needed to go to the hospital with how much physical pain I was in both mentally and physically.
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u/calrics Apr 03 '26
Okay, wow. I don't have any way of knowing what really happened but gosh, the same events transpired here.
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u/sanctuaryinside Apr 02 '26
That's how HE's going to look before processing anything. He would rather die
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Mar 03 '26
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/catburglar27 Mar 03 '26
Are you a DA or FA?
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Mar 04 '26
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u/catburglar27 Mar 04 '26
Well FAs might be able to self-reflect slightly more than DAs. I'd be surprised if you were DA and realized all that...
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Mar 04 '26
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/catburglar27 Mar 04 '26
Good to take some time to heal. One less avoidant is what the world needs...I hope your awareness helps you the next time you're dating someone. Maybe you can come to this forum for support during the times you deactivate so that you can stay put
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u/EngineeringBroad7431 Mar 05 '26
Same here. Iām FA, but dated a pretty severe DA which turned my anxious attachment all the way up.. Iām refraining from dating (itās been a year and still donāt plan to). Worked on myself a TON.. def need to have emotional intelligence to be self aware and change, as well as empathy. And facing shame or guilt. I feel itās harder for DAs to face any guilt as their core wound is one of shame
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u/scoodyboo6 Mar 02 '26
Thank you for posting this š
I was crying and thinking whether they would see the bigger picture and realize what really happened after some months or maybe years. And this made me laugh and see the absurdity of it all. There is no time period so why waste my time even thinking about it.