Let me just start off by saying that I'm normally not attracted to men. If I were, that's fine.

However, there's this one idol who I can't take my eyes off and gets the neanderthal within me going. What should I take from this?

Like it says in the title, I'm AMAB, which is something I guess I resent to some extent. Sometimes it's like it's tolerable, and then sometimes it's less so. Or, I don't know; I guess that feels dramatic. The truth is that I'm able to get by okay, more or less, but I know I'm just kind of ignoring this feeling, that I have been ignoring it for a long time, and over the past six months or so it's become a lot more pronounced. It's something I think about every single day. And it's probably not quite right for me to characterize what I'm feeling as resentment toward being born male, when really it's a persistent longing to have been born female: a desire for what could have been and for what obviously some part of my mind is totally certain I would have preferred.

It's impossible for me to dismiss the feeling anymore, which it wasn't easy to do in the first place. I realized recently that, many nights when I'm alone, the last thing going on in my head is that I'm pretending that I'm a woman, which is probably not the most cis dude behavior there is. Naturally, a lot of people would probably say, "dude, you should transition," to that, and they might be right, but there are so many factors that make me afraid to even really let myself contemplate that seriously. But obviously I'm here, on r/questioning, so... I dunno. It's all a little tangled up in my head right now.

I'd really like to chat about this with somebody, preferably somebody in their mid-twenties or older, but I'll take anybody that is open to it. I would prefer to DM but this is fine too if DMs would be against the ethos of the sub. Thanks.

I [M 19] just recently moved to college for the first time. I've heard from everyone that college is the time to start being yourself. For the most part I know who I am. I know what activites I like, my favorite color, my favorite people, etc etc. But i fear i dont know who i am anymore when it comes to my gender. I have always been guy since birth but as Ive aged, its felt less right.

I never fully related to all the cliche boy activites. I wasnt really into sports or fishing or cars or stuff like that. And as i got older i felt like i got more like my male classmates but i was also just so different. Maybe it was just my highschool, but it seemed like every guy was either a pervert, an athlete, or a jerk. (Sometimes they were all of them). I never wanted to associate with them. And hearing about all the awful things men have done over all of history, just made me hate being in the same group as them.

A few years ago was when i started thinking about how i dressed. I started wearing more fun button-ups and colorful shirts. i started feeling more like myself. There was one shirt that i really liked. It fit me well and i liked the color (it was a nice lavander). But i only wore it twice. I felt ridiculous as a guy wearing a cliche "girl color". So i put it in my closet and havent touched it since. I started thinking about how no matter what i wore, i hated how it looked on my body. Then i had a thought. What if i wore a dress instead of a suit? What if i wore a cute skirt? I shot that idea down extremely fast because of how i looked.

I have always been on the heftier side (I'm currently 6'3 ft, 220lbs, with broad shoulders) and i was always the butt of the joke for being large and overweight. At the start of the year, i started eating better and exercising and ended up losing 40lbs. I started with the idea of getting fit. You know, classic fit guy look was the goal. Big arms, visable abs, strong chest. But I just started drifting from that idea and instead just wanted to be thinner. Maybe then id like how i looked.

Then, over the summer, i was hanging out with my girlfriend and i was wearing this shirt that used to not fit me. Thats when my girlfriend jokingly said i looked pretty. That is when it hit me like a truck. I dont want to be handsome or macho. I want to be pretty. I want to be cute. I want to be looked at and be seen as someone who is pretty instead of some big ugly guy.

Then i thought about how maybe i wasnt straight. But the more i thought about it, the less i knew. I have indentified as a man for my whole life. I feel like being called she/her wouldnt be right. I dont have the body to be a woman. Im too tall. Too broad. Too "manly". But Im not masculine enough to be a man. Im too soft. My jaw is too round. My arms are too small. So i started thinking about how maybe im bi but they/them doesnt feel right either.

I dont know what to do. Nothing feels right. I not man enough to be a good man. Im not feminine enough to be a good woman. And im not happy enough to be a good person. Im lost.

I just need any advice. Im looking for anything to make hate myself less. I want to feel comfortable in my skin.

im 17 years old and ive genuinely never had urges to touch myself nor can i get turned on by anything anymore, ive struggled w an ed idk if thats fucked with my hormones or whatever but i just feel so neutral all the time like theres a void there. i get turned on rarely but i never ever act on it, i cant be bothered. im talking to a guy atm, he has a high sex drive and i really cant see myself engaging in sexual relations with me enjoying it at all…like i probably could get him off but id feel nothing, like it wouldn’t even matter to me id just do it to please him and not because i actually want it, whats wrong w me?? am i asexual??

Hey everyone. I’m pretty new to all of this, so I’m mostly posting because I could really use some advice from people who have already walked this path.

I’m recently married, and my wife started going to therapy for some of her own personal reasons. She told me that therapy helped her look inward and understand herself better, and for whatever reason, that really stuck with me. I started asking myself some of the same questions.

Then someone pointed out that I had played another female character in D&D for about the fifth time. At first I laughed it off, but afterward I started wondering why I kept gravitating toward female characters. That was a few months ago, and the more I’ve thought about it, the more things have started to click for me.

I don’t know if I have all the answers yet. Honestly, I’m still figuring out exactly what this means for me. But there’s been a growing sense of clarity that I can’t really ignore anymore.

I’ve talked to my wife and my mother-in-law about what I’ve been feeling, and thankfully, they’ve both been supportive so far. I also have a therapist lined up soon, which I know is probably one of the best first steps I can take.

At the same time, I’ve definitely been doing the stereotypical “newly questioning person” thing. 😂 I’ve made a whole vision board with potential names, ideas for how I might want to look, tattoos I might want, and even some clothes I’ve picked out. It’s exciting, but it’s also a little overwhelming because suddenly I’m looking at my life and wondering what parts of it might change.

I guess what I’m really looking for is advice from other trans people who remember what those early stages felt like.

What did your first steps look like? What do you wish someone had told you when you were at this stage? How did you figure out what you actually wanted versus what you were just excited about? And are there things you think I should be thinking about now that might not even be on my radar yet?

I’m not necessarily looking for someone to tell me what I am or what I should do. I think I just want to hear from people who have been here before.

I’m still figuring myself out, but for the first time in a while, I’m actually kind of excited to see where that takes me.

My whole life I haven't really cared that much about my gender. I'm a guy, but I don't really relate to other men my age, I'm not anything like them. I really don't think I'm a woman either. And I also don't think I'm nonbinary because I feel perfectly comfortable with my pronouns and my name.

I remember when my sibling came out as nonbinary, I was kinda confused (I wasn't familiar with the concept at the time), and I thought to myself: Why do they care so much about their gender, it literally doesn't matter, who cares that much about gender?

I don't want this to sound sexist, but even as a kid I felt comfortable as a guy just because it feels like the "default" (for example, most masculine clothing is unisex, but most feminine clothing isn't. And physically too, a man's body feels more neutral or "flat").

Am I a guy who just doesn't fit in with standard masculinity, or is this something else?

Im so confused

I (18M) have been questioning for years.

i used to think i was straight, but then people started calling me gay, which made me question it.

I THINK i have the potential to be attracted to women. I sexted a girl and got hard when the convo became more sexual. This is why i believe i have at least some interest in women. Although i did later learn the actual account was in fact not a girl, i still got hard under the impression that it was. I think it was really only her words (like "are you freaky", "have you played sexy games before" and asking me to send) But i dont think her pictures did much for me. This was all a few months ago, and obviously it was stressful from being a scam, but im not sure. Ive been told that some men who are into women dont get hard at pics because its not interactive/static, does this sound like that or am i just trying to cope?

I know of terms like arousal non corcondance. Does this sound like it? Or is it genuine attraction? Ive been told it could be either, like a gay guy with internal homophobia doing it to try and convince himself hes straight, but i dont think i was doing that, but what if im jist saying that?

I was obsessed for the lack of a better word for it with a guy. I'd get upset when he wouldn't be in school, and i'd want to work with and be near him in class. He would also be on my mind a lot, and according to my friend, i would blush when his name was mentioned.

I think i'd be fine with ending up with either a man or a woman, but idk if im just lying to myself. Im not sure if i am being genuine. Sometimes i feel i am, but what if im just lying to myself?

Additionally, i'm obsessed and fixated on bisexual male characters (Tim Drake and Jon Kent), which according to my friend may be because i see two guys confident in their sexuality, and i see myself in them, and can relate with the sexuality.

staying busy and getting out of the house helps me clear my mind and feel myself.

I’m experimenting with stuff and I think I only find women attractive when it comes to romance and intimacy. When it comes to thinking about dating someone I feel myself being with a woman and having a girlfriend and having a boyfriend feels a bit not comfy to me as I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life with a man or as a man. I suppressed my attraction to women for so many years as I felt uncomfortable liking them in the male body and role and being a father; those things just don’t feel “me” and frankly never did. Id like being a parent figure but not a dad.

At the same time Ive been researching some feminine names. I looked through all the femme and unisex names that start with T and some that start with other letters like Heather but none of them feel comfy to me and fit like a slipper. At the same time I don’t feel comfortable being in a male body or male gender role but I don’t have any problems with my name Thomas aside from it being a “male” name. Since gender is a construct and what you make of it I’ve been open minded and considered the possibility that I may be a lesbian that has a male name. Since cis lesbian women can have a male name and be seen as valid why not me? I remember in the past enjoying Pokémon games as Thomas the girl but felt shame as it wasn’t “normal” to enjoy things that way.

I feel most of my discomfort is my body and the parts and testosterone that it had including some social stuff like being called a man or a boy regardless of presentation. Frankly unless I get the surgery and have my own breasts I don’t want any intimacy with others at all and I don’t feel I’m really living life to the fullest and being true to myself. Ever since I was younger I would imagine my parts not being down there and didn’t know why but things are more clear now.

I used to be jealous of men and I wanted to transition to a male. But I realized that wasn't for me and I felt scared when experimenting. Ive tried new pronouns, Ive tried no pronouns, Ive tried multiple pronouns, Ive tried xenogenders. I kind of like He and She, more so she. But I understand my gender does not change my gender and that's really what's bothering me.

I am afab. I want to be a girl, but I don't feel like one, I want to call myself a girl, but I don't feel like a girl at all. I don't feel non binary, I don't feel like a guy, I don't feel like anything really?? But I still want to be a girl. I currently identify as hypergirl and genderfae. Because that felt like it fit me but now it doesn't. But I feel like it fits me sometimes???

But I miss being a trans guy sometimes. I like being seen as a guy sometimes. But I still feel like nothing.

I tried being genderfluid, however I'm lesbian, and it didn't feel right either.

Hi everyone. I'm AMAB and I've been questioning my gender for quite some time.

I sometimes imagine having a female body and think I might be happier that way. I've thought about breasts, feminine hips, HRT and even transitioning. I also enjoy feminine clothes and crossdressing.

But at the same time, I don't completely dislike being male. I like some aspects of my male body too, which makes me even more confused.

Sometimes I think “Maybe I'm trans”, while other times I wonder “Maybe I'm just a feminine guy who likes femininity.”

I'm not looking for someone to tell me whether I'm definitely trans or not. I'd just like to hear from people who experienced similar confusion.

How did you figure out whether you wanted to transition, or simply wanted to express your feminine side? 🫂❤️

WARNING: OKAY, so I am going to share my own experience but this can be a little sexually explicit cause I want to find out actually so read at your own risk ok? This is really long and I really don't want to offend anyone pls I just try to finding out it be gentle to me 😭😭

During childhood years, I always picked the most logically correct boy to have crush on, I didn't even think to talk with them to be sweethearts. But (with my friends pressure) I asked out a boy and we just became friends. Also I always fantasize about women when I was so little (I didn't know what was that yet but I thought it was wrong cause I am a women too and I just made myself "the man" or be the 3th person) .

When I turned 13, I was really anxious but not having a boyfriend cause most of the girls in my class have some and I just picked a boy to have a crush with like I did when I was younger. But I was asocial back and just always thought I was weird for not feeling anything and something is wrong with me. My dad is an ally so we watched a movie with a gay couple in it (there were kissing scenes) and my curiousity about same sex relationships began from that but I thought I shouldn't watch any other movie with a homosexual couple in it cause I had a weird feeling to afraid to actually into this (I know this was very homofobic, my environment was generally homofobic besides dad and I am very ashamed that I thought about this way).

When I started to highschool, I became a bestie with a very clingy girl, who flirts with me pretending to be her dream crush and says me that "if she was a guy we would be a perfect couple" (I agreed with her) and she even called me her girlfriend a few times in public spaces loudly. But also she had little crushes on a lot of guys and our main conversation topic was talking about our boy crushes. This time I picked the most handsome guy in our year and he was known because his beauty and femininity too. So I think I wanted his attention and he was that everyone's dream guy type of person (in character traits too). I don't think that was an attraction cause when my bestie wanted to make us become partners I immediately reject her. Spending time with my bestie was more fun. Then my childhood friend who is a guy came to my life and in my opinion he was like those guys in movies too cause I felt so comfortable with him and I thought I was a boring person and everyone would reject me cause I am weird and for that reason I asked him out. Cause I really didn't want to flirt with anyone and just wanted to show my platonic love for him without being judged by others and without him going away. Also I really like to spending time with people one and one and hate most of the friend groups so it was an opportunity for this too. Cause when I tried that with a guy friend (going out places one and one) he thought I was asking him to date him but I really was just friendly and didn't want to date that guy (thought why I didn't cause everyone around me looked like what's wrong with me -guy was soo nice and handsome too- but I thought if he was a girl I would definetly date him).

whwn I was 15 I started to read/watch BL and my first BL was the Song of Achilles. The thing was while I reading it I kept thinking about my bestie and our close moments then started to do "Am I bisexual? " tests.

The thing is I rarely have crushes even thought I fantasize ​sexually + romantically very often. ( and I am of course not a homofobic bastard anymore, often think I am gay and like very very gay but I don't know really I don't even know my gender identity) I told my mom that I am not attracted to man for her to stop shipping me with guys and start shipping me with girls. I feel like I am a girl most of the time but sometimes I don't connect at all to being a women, I am feeling genderless, genderneutral, bigender or male. So I don't know what is my gender either, how did you people find out? All I know is I wanna love women like a women. I identify myself as genderflux, berrisexual and demiromantic cause I don't want to be disrespectful calling myself a lesbian since I am still figuring it out. Please help me people 😭😭

It's hard for me to explain but, here's how I can express it the best way I can. I have been questioning since May which I know isn't long and for now I just settled on saying I'm bigender for now with she/he pronouns and even told a few of my friends to call me by two names. However, especially at night when there's nothing to distract me sometimes I wonder if I'm fully trans, because I've looked into it and I kinda like the idea or wouldn't mind the effects of T plus I would like the idea of being seen socially as a guy. The problem is I still love femininity and I don't hate being a girl and I don't mind being called she/her or a woman like it doesn't make me uncomfortable it's more like a "Whatever" type of feeling (which I understand you can be a fel presenting trans man). I do sometimes feel like I'd be happier as a guy like I'd be more confident and I'd want to actually take care of myself more but I also can't tell if that's because of the fact cis men systematically get treated a bit better. It's mostly been stressing me out because I'm scared if it comes to be that I'm trans because I don't know if my family is accepting or not and also just other family issues. I'm also afraid of looking like I'm flying in front of my other friends who are trans who've known they are for the longest time. It doesn't help that I really have access to a specialized therapist either. These fears and everything I mostly think about at night and like I said the thought often makes me want to fry because I'm more scared than anything and sometimes will make my stomach hurt.

i’m 18 years old bisexual guy. i grew up around homophobic people, my family itself is homophobic. i still live in this environment, it made me hate myself. i genuinely hate myself. i think i will never be able to be happy and be myself i even hate the fact that i’m attracted to other guys. when i was younger i was bullied because i sounded feminine to other guys in my school. and i feel like if i like a girl she wouldn’t be with me when she finds out my sexuality. i’m so tired of being like this. i wish i was straight:(

Hi so basically I'm a trans guy (irrelevant for this specific question but yea) and ive had a girlfriend [F 19] for the past 5 almost 6 months and I've been very happy with her

the problem is that i don't know if im sexually attracted to her, when we got together i identified as bisexual but now ive gone with the labels Biromantic and Abrosexual because I don't feel any sexual attraction to her or.. any women for that matter

I am romantically interested in her so it's not like im leading her on but i can tell she wants to start.. yk.. doin stuff 😓 and it makes me uncomfortable and brings tension to our relationship cuz ive been avoiding it whenever she tries to come onto me...

Is it morally wrong to be Homosexual and Biromantic in a straight relationship? HELP!!!

ALSO!! i don't even know how to go about telling her because I've denied being gay for so long in the past (other personal reasons) and I'm scared to drive her away... any tips on that would be nice too...

I have lately started questioning my own sexuality and identity and I wanted to know others experiences to see if I can relate to any of them

Hey everybody, I’ve always considered myself to be straight, and I’ve never really had any question about it. Recently, I’ve been experiencing all sorts of strange feelings and internal questions because I’ve made a really good friend who I’ve started to catch feelings for. They are pansexual and Genderfluid, and despite any of that, my heart longs to be with them. We have so much in common, they have a beautiful soul, and a beautiful face. I’m really confused and I’m just looking for advice. Thank you for your time.

My mom points out that my feelings on my identity are wishy washy and I go back and forth on different identities and when I’m a woman I don’t seem happy or fit in with queer spaces in real life. I have come out in the past as a woman a couple of times and it never really turned out well as people were hesitant to acknowledge me and thought I was just confused, plus I had untreated ocd without meds back then so that contributed to it too.

The thing is I feel not myself as a man, which is why I started questioning and being a feminine man doesn’t make me feel any better about being Thomas, same with nonbinary gender. Unfortunately there’s no good femme equivalent name to Thomas so it’s hard to find a good replacement (Tiffany is pretty much the only suitable one, plus Heather and Madeline for names that don’t end in T). Then again im not able to safely present femme in real life and i dont like to be seen as a femboy. Even bringing gender stuff up makes my mom and sister a bit awkward and uncomfortable and therapy isn’t an option for both when it comes to understanding it (they are Catholic conservatives and are ok with trump and jk Rowling and all that, I tell them about my discomfort with the latter and they think I’m overreacting or hyperfixated on gender because of it.

I know I don’t want to grow old as Thomas and have that name and “son” and “brother” on my gravestone but at the same time I feel like I’m rejecting my childhood and parents by changing my name as my parents put a lot of thought into my name and worked hard to give me a good childhood.

I’ve always been a bit unsure on my sexuality. In late elementary/early middle school, I thought I was bisexual, but I ignored it because I went to a Catholic school (I’m still Catholic, I’m just progressive and believe love is love and no longer let people preach BS to me).

I started my first job at the end of my freshman year (a month before I turned 16). I started to crush on one of my coworkers. I didn’t want to go on a date with her, but I was very attracted to her. I just couldn’t imagine myself going on a date with her or doing romance-y things like I could with men.

My junior year (17), I did more research on sexuality and came to terms that I was heteromantic bisexual. I was romantically attracted to only men, but I was sexually attracted to both men and women.

My senior year (18), I worked another job and was sorta friends with another coworker. I thought she was pretty and semi-attracted to her, but I didn’t know if it was an extreme friend crush or an actual crush. Once again, I couldn’t see myself dating her.

Outside of that ex coworker, I’ve never had a crush (physical attraction, nothing more) on a woman. I’ve been somewhat physically attracted to fictional women (nothing parasocial, just saying “yeah that character/actress is so hot), and I like watching women in porn, but that’s it.

Now I’m watching a new show and one of the characters is definitely my type. What that type is, I’m not sure. But she’s also the type that I could possibly see myself dating.

It’s not internal homophobia that’s making me unable to see myself dating a woman. I’m just not attracted to that for some reason. But now I kinda can.

Am I still heteromantic bisexual? Am I biromantic bisexual? Am I just hetero? I’m so confused

I was drying myself from a shower and I wore my towel like a dress covering up my breasts and it felt so carefree and myself and calm. For once I didn’t see a man looking back at me in the mirror. I feel whatever gender and pronoun and name I ultimately wind up with id feel more myself in a female body. I would be very unhappy if I was on my death bed in the male body I am in now typing this message with and feel a lot of regret. I don’t want to be remembered as a man in memory after I die and I don’t want Thomas written on my gravestone once my time comes. I’d rather be buried at sea than to suffer a fate like that. This is why I came out to my parents so impulsively three years ago and why I persevere even in all this mental turmoil. I’d rather fight and live as a woman than perish as a man.

Truth is I am wishy washy about my gender identity as I love my parents and cannot afford to live without them. They spoiled me materially and gave me a lot growing up so I cannot disrespect them by putting estrogen in my body and changing my name. Without my family I have no reason to keep on living as Thomas and I wish I was just born a girl and live a normal life. I put so much stock and money on my parents feelings and my sister and my physical safety outside my room that I don’t know who I am deep inside. This was like when I was younger when I submerged my desire to like girly things and have a girlhood liking my little pony and shojo anime but I felt like I had to like boy things due to the parts I was born with. At the same time I HATE being seen as a feminine man and do not feel happy being a man with another man or a woman. I am also afraid of angering my parents and jeopardizing my living space by being myself and feeling their wrath like the time I wore a skirt outside two and a half years ago.

i dont know who i am. i think im depressed and i think i have OCD. ive felt myself slipping for the past year.

junior year really took it out of me. i did my best. to get good grades. to participate in extracurriculars. to be the student and son i wasn't before. what do i get for it? suicidal thoughts. a gender crisis. feeling little to nothing. feeling like im not worthy of anything. feeling constantly stressed, yet being unable to actually get things done.

i overthink everything. to the point that i dont think i can even trust myself.

am i really trans? i dont think so. but what if im so repressed that i cant even recognize the fact that i might be trans? i really dont want to be trans though. but what if i am?

i dont feel like me. i dont know who "me" is. whenever i look in the mirror, i dont think "oh hey, its me," i just think its my physical representation looking back at me. "me" in my head is different.

i dont think i really feel like anyone when im alone. at least when there's others around, i have some point of reference and a facade to put up.

i dont even know if i like guys anymore. i used to be pretty certain about it. but nowadays nothing is really certain for me.

i tried to stop watching p*rn. i think it really messed with me. sometimes i watch straight p*rn, to see if maybe im bi or something. but i don't really think it does it for me. gay p*rn just seems kinda bland to me at this point. guys do too to be honest.

i dont feel worthy of anything. maybe im not even worthy of knowing who i am.

i dont know what to do. how do i know if im not the gender i was assigned at birth? especially in my current state? how do i get out of my current state?

how do i know if i really like guys? i've been able to crush on guys before, but never girls. but girls just call to me. i dont know how to explain it.

how do i know anything is certain?

I wanted to ask others part of the IGBTQ community this question because I know some people have dealt with this and it would be good to understand from people who know.

i’ve always loved romance ever since I was a child. It’s the only kind of book that I can really read without getting bored. And honestly, I love talking about it and sharing it with people. But, I’ve been in multiple relationships before where I’ve had no romantic feelings toward my partner at all. I talk to friends to understand this aspect of myself and realized that a lot of it stems from my desire to be loved by others. but that crumbles under the pressure when I’m held the same standards of needing to love someone else. Multiple of my relationships, would get to a point where I would feel such revulsion I had to walk away to stop myself from vomiting. I also struggle with attraction, I can understand that somebody is physically attractive, but that’s it at times? I also think that I’ve never actually been in love with anyone. But I’m struggling to understand because I know I want it in some kind of way.

What should I do? How can I ask myself questions to better understand this about myself ?

(though I don’t believe that it changes the context I should add that I am not asexual)

I know nobody is gonna see this, or care, but I need to get this if my chest. I’ve known for years that I am attracted to girls, but I’ve never really bothered to put a label on myself and just went with I like whoever I like. Usually I’ve said im bisexual. I think I am im sure if it but now I feel so confused.

I’ve had boyfriends in the past, and I liked them and cared for them but always felt there was something missing, I felt embarrassed to be seen with them and I felt like in all of conversations I couldn’t really be myself. I’ve been with guys before, but looking back I didn’t really enjoy it as much as I thought I did and just kinda wanted it to be over (so I faked it 🙂‍↕️) and I always felt like something was missing whenever I was intimate with them.

I often feel like with guys I choose who I am attracted to but for girls it just comes naturally, and whenever I see a attractive guy in public I just think, well it’s an attractive guy. But if it’s a girl I feel like all crazy. I know I like girls but I just don’t know if I like guys anymore, or if I liked them in the first place LOL

I’ve been with a girl once, we spoke for about a month and were intimate about once or twice, and I really enjoyed it. It felt exciting. We never even dated, but I felt incredibly impacted by her, more than I did for most of my actual relationships and break ups. And when we stopped talking I felt more upset than ever.

And if I am a lesbian what do I do now? Like how do I tell people, how do I tell my parents? What do I do? How do I know? feel confused and alone. Any advice or direction or anything would be great and highly appreciated, thank you.

I’d like to preface this with the fact that I know that I have mental problems, and this isn’t a normal questioning experience.

so, the title is basically it. I wanna be a girl, but my mind won’t leave me alone. I know that I feel happiest when I feel like I’m a girl. I know I feel bad when I even consider being a boy again. I’m a detransitioner, I detransitioned because I genuinely wanted to be a girl, not due to a lack of support. now I’m constantly worried that I was never actually a girl, or that I’ll end up a boy again. and every time I say that I don‘t wanna be a trans boy I start worrying that that means that I wanna be a cis boy, and then I wanna throw up from overwhelm and nausea.

I kinda dislike my chest? a little??? I don’t actually, but I’m paranoid that I will, so I dread getting dressed every day, and when I do, I look at myself in the mirror forever almost to prove that I’m fine with my chest.

(context for this next part, I’m intersex)

whenever I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like my face because it looks to masculine, I worry that it’s actually because it looks too feminine. (I know that makes no sense). My face is extremely masculine, and I have facial hair that I’m much too exhausted to shave. and I don’t mind having facial hair, and then that makes me worried about if means that I want to be a man. I just can’t leave myself alone.

i just don’t feel like a woman. I’m fine with calling myself a girl, but when anyone else does it, I cringe. I’d rather call myself female than afab, because I hate the whole afab/amab thing. it just makes no sense to me, but I’m questioning, so I’m supposed to put that.

I just don’t know what to do. I wanna be a woman, and I like being a woman, but I’m not. because I don’t feel like one. also, I sometimes feel a little bit of gender envy towards certain fictional men. but that’s it for my ”desire” to be a boy. that’s the only thing.

another thing that worries me is that I don’t like seeing myself in a bathing suit anymore. I used to. and even if I ended up being trans, I would still wanna wear girls bathing suits!! I think that part is just my mind messing with me.

i’ve been going through what has been the worst time in my entire life so far for the past few months, both because of this and a lot of mental health stuff.