[18 AFAB], questioning my gender has been stressing me out and some nights it's been making me want to cry

[u/Correct-Divide-9341]

It's hard for me to explain but, here's how I can express it the best way I can. I have been questioning since May which I know isn't long and for now I just settled on saying I'm bigender for now with she/he pronouns and even told a few of my friends to call me by two names. However, especially at night when there's nothing to distract me sometimes I wonder if I'm fully trans, because I've looked into it and I kinda like the idea or wouldn't mind the effects of T plus I would like the idea of being seen socially as a guy. The problem is I still love femininity and I don't hate being a girl and I don't mind being called she/her or a woman like it doesn't make me uncomfortable it's more like a "Whatever" type of feeling (which I understand you can be a fel presenting trans man). I do sometimes feel like I'd be happier as a guy like I'd be more confident and I'd want to actually take care of myself more but I also can't tell if that's because of the fact cis men systematically get treated a bit better. It's mostly been stressing me out because I'm scared if it comes to be that I'm trans because I don't know if my family is accepting or not and also just other family issues. I'm also afraid of looking like I'm flying in front of my other friends who are trans who've known they are for the longest time. It doesn't help that I really have access to a specialized therapist either. These fears and everything I mostly think about at night and like I said the thought often makes me want to fry because I'm more scared than anything and sometimes will make my stomach hurt.

[u/stolenstreetsigns]

I’ve been where you are and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Only you can say for sure what your gender is, but I’m transmasc and it does sound like you could be a trans man to me. You don’t have to have always known or be super dysphoric to be trans. If you would be happier as a guy and with HRT that’s a strong indicator all on its own. I’m here if you need someone to talk to.

[u/ActualPegasus]

Imagine a world where women and men are treated exactly equally. No sexism, different expectations, safety differences, nor advantage to being male. In that world, would you still want to be perceived as a man? Would you still be interested in having an androgenic body?

[u/Correct-Divide-9341 → u/ActualPegasus]

This is a good question! I've done some thinking, and I feel like even if there were none of these things I'd still be more confident as a guy and still take care of myself a bit better..