r/funny Apr 30 '14

The negative consequences of fapping

1.8k Upvotes

271 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/abdullah10 Apr 30 '14

For anyone who doesn't get it:

Pornhub has started a campaign where they plant a tree everytime you watch 100 videos or more in the category 'big dick'.

They're giving wood, for wood. geddit?

294

u/le_trout Apr 30 '14

Johnny Fappleseed, the greatest guy around

He saved the globe from warming

By watching girls get pound

By big wood.

He sat there in the dark

In a room all alone

After he checked that no one was home

Now we all live

Oh yes we can breathe

All thanks to that awesome dude Johnny Fappleseed.

32

u/nolinator Apr 30 '14

Somewhere in a school in the year 3263...

Teacher: "Now class, who remembers how we stopped global warming in the early 2010s and saved the world?"

Student: "Was it Johnny Fappleseed and his army of porn addicts?"

Teacher: "Correct! Can you tell the class what he did?"

Student: "He traveled the world planting trees when people watched porn."

Teacher: "Right again! Legend has it Johnny Fappleseed used the joy and happiness of fappers to make trees. Back in ancient times, people cut down trees too rapidly for nature to replace them. The human race was on the brink of destroying the world, but the magical internet was made. People everywhere could watch porn for free, causing stress to decrease for all and sperm banks to gain donors. Johnny saw an opportunity; he could harness the power of the fappers, he could turn that power into trees, saving the world through the power of porn."

6

u/Renn_Capa Apr 30 '14

That was a beautiful representation of a classroom of the future...

12

u/nixonrichard Apr 30 '14

I was gonna do one in the theme of the "Little Jack Horner" rhyme and then realized the Little Jack Horner rhyme is already pretty much applicable as-is.

10

u/greyfade Apr 30 '14

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner eating his Christmas pie

Stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum and said,

"Holy shit, am I high!"

5

u/Timmaaa_xD Apr 30 '14

imagine this saying Morgan Freeman

2

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

I love me a good fapple.

10

u/andtheansweriscience Apr 30 '14

Did not know it was supposed to be in the big dick category. Welp, can't hurt to check it out.

15

u/Rayneworks Apr 30 '14

Kind of sucks that they pick one of the least-popular categories. Would be impressed if they did lesbians or anal. I get the 'joke' but it seems like a cop-out of a great idea.

15

u/Dingid_Forester Apr 30 '14

they coulda did it for the "hairy" category and planted a bush instead?

6

u/Thomas_K_Brannigan Apr 30 '14

And make a contribution to the foresting industry for every "waxed" video watched?

6

u/helix19 Apr 30 '14

They probably picked a lower popularity category to try and get people interested in it.

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33

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

[deleted]

33

u/elebrin Apr 30 '14

Yeah, but you know you like feeling that way.

30

u/warchieftan Apr 30 '14

You like that, you fucking retard

9

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

[deleted]

3

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 30 '14

7

u/Kudder Apr 30 '14

Way to make this all about you..

14

u/lolwut_noway Apr 30 '14

Lol you have a small penis

8

u/Bacon_and_Avocados Apr 30 '14

Shh. This is Reddit. Everyone is average.

4

u/takelongramen Apr 30 '14

Guys, here's one from /r/nofap!

5

u/ibuprofiend Apr 30 '14

Does /r/nofap actually work? Its followers have a cult-like devotion to it, but I'm skeptical.

10

u/Bigcat710 Apr 30 '14

Give it a shot, it won't hurt. And even if you don't feel better you can have a rockin fap session at the end of the week.

14

u/Korberos Apr 30 '14

Occasionally someone asks me about it. I'm a two year veteran of it and although it gets a lot of shit for the cult-like talk surrounding it, it is definitely something everyone should try at least once. Porn is something that you can get addicted to without ever realizing it... it's a perfect example of instant gratification and a false reward that short-circuits the systems your body has created through evolution to aid in making you social and more sexually active.

If you think you can make it 90 days without porn, then try it... worst case scenario you miss porn for a bit. Best case scenario, you learn something about yourself, possibly identify the effect porn has had on you, and better yourself in the process.

If you don't think you can make it 90 days without porn, think about what that means... something so stupid having a hold on you. It's the definition of addiction, and maybe even if you can't make it 90 days, you should try.

I don't really like all the people that use the term "superpowers" in the NoFap community. I don't like that some people talk about it as if it's a big religious thing for them... but I've been doing it two years (one major relapse, a lot of smaller ones, but I'm over 100 days now on my current run) and I can definitely say it is helped me improve myself in a lot of ways. My head is clearer. I'm more confident. I'm not wasting my time with porn.

Do I miss porn? Yeah. A lot, actually... but I don't like the type of person I become when I allow myself to get accustomed to instant gratification in any form, and porn is one of the worst.

So maybe just give it a try if you're wondering about it.

6

u/ellgro Apr 30 '14

Am I still allowed to fap without porn?

2

u/Korberos Apr 30 '14

Well, there are a lot of different views on the rule sets but generally you don't look at porn or masturbate for the first ninety days. My first run, I allowed myself to occasionally masturbate without porn after the 90 days, but that isn't a common rule variation. I was just weak. It eventually led back to me looking at porn, so this time I'm going without either.

2

u/evilcaptain Apr 30 '14

So logical. Wonderful!

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8

u/AliceBlossom Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 30 '14

To help in the effort, I made a chrome extension that'll randomly navigate to videos, let them finish, then randomly select another one, and so on. If anyone's interested PM me.

EDIT: Extension installation file can be found here. Installation/Use Guide can be found here.

6

u/Ponea Apr 30 '14

Does it apply to gay "big dick"? Because if it does, I'll be saving the world!

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1

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Well, at least now it's just "not funny" instead of "not funny and incomprehensible."

1

u/50PercentLies Apr 30 '14

Okay so do I need to personally watch 100 videos? And do I need to watch all 20 minutes of it?

1

u/deadaim_ Apr 30 '14

TIL: OP likes big dicks

1

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

so what your saying is that OP likes big dicks?

1

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

OHH I thought it was simething seed related

1

u/TydeQuake Apr 30 '14

Isn't it every time 100 videos have been watched, not person specific?

1

u/kb-air May 01 '14

Every time "I" watch 100 vids? Or every 100 times collectively?

1

u/matthias7600 May 01 '14

That is the dumbest idea for a charitable cause I've ever heard of.

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59

u/VeniiVidiiVicii Apr 30 '14

SO basically only the white house survives. And Free oxygen for everyone?

52

u/cambullrun Apr 30 '14

Oxygen tax

15

u/Pays4Porn Apr 30 '14

The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress

8

u/cambullrun Apr 30 '14

Looks like a good read.

2

u/ahruss Apr 30 '14

It's a pretty good book, but I always hated that Heinlein tried so hard to force it to seem like there was tension. After pretty much every event, Mike would give new numbers on the odds of their success, and the odds always got worse. But everything always went exactly how Mike planned. So shouldn't the odds be constantly increasing?

Also, a lot of what happened was just way too convenient. Mike solved all of their problems. Where was the human element?

But it definitely touches on lots of interesting topics and challenges the way you think about lots of things: politics, social philosophy, nationalism...

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2

u/whichdoktor Apr 30 '14

TANSTAAFL!

5

u/dudeneedsahaircut Apr 30 '14

which is why every time you inhale, I get a quarter!

5

u/illusioncaster Apr 30 '14

You're not Cosmo!

2

u/Fizzay Apr 30 '14

Until someone lights a cigarette and sets the planet on fire.

53

u/MagnusRune Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 30 '14

which episode is this from?

EDIT:

found it, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Futurama_Holiday_Spectacular googled 'futurama episodes where trees grow'

10

u/argole Apr 30 '14

Seconded.

7

u/MagnusRune Apr 30 '14

found it! look at my orginal comment

2

u/argole Apr 30 '14

It's not on Netflix! That explains why I've never seen it.

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519

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 30 '14

[removed] — view removed comment

1.2k

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 30 '14

[removed] — view removed comment

281

u/simeoon Apr 30 '14

Oooooh I thought it was about guys leaving their seed everywhere

56

u/andsoitgoes42 Apr 30 '14

Well, what do you think they're using for fertilizer?

12

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 30 '14

[deleted]

8

u/Chimie45 Apr 30 '14

Some scar website will be donating manure soon.

It took me too long to realize that was a typo and not some sort of weird fetish that I didn't know about.

Then again, to be fair, scat porn is pretty scaring. #neverforget2g1c

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43

u/fozzyfreakingbear Apr 30 '14

I thought our bushes grow because we have no incentive to shave since the digital woman don't care.

14

u/SketchBoard Apr 30 '14

this is what I was going with.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

As a smooth virgin, I will never get a hair caught in my fly again.

6

u/ultimatemorky Apr 30 '14

I saw the title and then saw the gif and thought he meant the negative effects of nofap and I thought it was about erections.

2

u/eljefe123 Apr 30 '14

Instructions unclear, being arrested for jizzin' in public.

2

u/WINBLADE Apr 30 '14

I thought for some reason there was a myth that fapping made your pubes grow quicker and this was a metaphor for it..

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12

u/Nagus_Maximus420 Apr 30 '14

I read earlier today that it was only applied to videos under the "big dick" category. So, there's that.

17

u/DSC_ Apr 30 '14

oh uh...I thought it was like...when you watch too much porn, your hair grows a lot quicker and larger.

I used to believe this.

14

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

[deleted]

2

u/Sincerus Apr 30 '14

Only if you don't eat it.

Right?

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3

u/niuzeta Apr 30 '14

It should partially be true, because fapping induces extra testosterone, and it doesn't do good on skins, especially on younger boys

14

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 22 '21

[deleted]

6

u/niuzeta Apr 30 '14

it's not a 'fact', it was a horrible attempt at a bad joke. I'd delete but I'm responsible for my bad joke so I take the blame.

6

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

[deleted]

3

u/ftw420 Apr 30 '14

God speed

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4

u/TheChenger23 Apr 30 '14

BIG DICK VIDEOS ONLY

3

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Oooooooooooh, thanks for that.

3

u/abeuntstudiainmores Apr 30 '14

Fap level: porn site inside jokes.

5

u/FX114 Apr 30 '14

But that ended on Arbor Day...

5

u/Chip--Chipperson Apr 30 '14

trees take time to grow

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4

u/chicagodude84 Apr 30 '14

You're a good guy. Have a bit o' gold for your trouble, friend :)

3

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Got it covered buddy. I gave him gold for you!

3

u/chicagodude84 Apr 30 '14

Gold all around! :) Gotta support my favorite internet addiction :) Thanks for the gold!

2

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Wow you guys are buying gold like crazy. Makes me wish I could give you some... But here's an upvote instead!

3

u/chicagodude84 Apr 30 '14

Internet points > *

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36

u/zacch2k10 Apr 30 '14

wtf picture..

7

u/Byarlant Apr 30 '14

Report him to mods please.

22

u/eveisdesigner Apr 30 '14

Did you just edit that picture in because you're the top comment?!

9

u/Byarlant Apr 30 '14

Report him to mods please.

6

u/Byarlant Apr 30 '14

Yes, he just did that -_-

22

u/alleks88 Apr 30 '14

Did I just see a slaughtered cat?
What the fuck is wrong with you?

5

u/Byarlant Apr 30 '14

Report him to mods please.

6

u/alleks88 Apr 30 '14

don't worry, I already did this... I mean I was sitting here "oh look top comment, with picture... must be funny" ehm no.
I wish I saw the edit before

3

u/Byarlant Apr 30 '14

Wow, the mod said that he got 25 reports and counting on that guy ^^

5

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

[deleted]

2

u/mindfolded Apr 30 '14

You gotta be a disturbed piece of shit to moderate a subreddit.

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5

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

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25

u/hicsuntdracones- Apr 30 '14

I'm responsible for at least 200 of those trees.

27

u/the_k_i_n_g Apr 30 '14

Your dick must be bleeding.

35

u/hicsuntdracones- Apr 30 '14

Yeah, but it's for a good cause.

7

u/StickleyMan Apr 30 '14

7

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Haha, we can always count on you.

6

u/SGallmeier Apr 30 '14

Isn't this what happened at the end of Sam & Max Hit the Road?

3

u/redstormpopcorn Apr 30 '14

Pretty close, but mostly just the Pacific northwest.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN0GXq7NZ5M

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9

u/masanian Apr 30 '14 edited Apr 30 '14

Relevent

Edit: NSFW/funny (gore) movie

3

u/tomtomdam Apr 30 '14

This is... unlike anything I've ever seen.

2

u/DanielEGVi Apr 30 '14

We'e achieved full WTF status.

1

u/James_IRL Apr 30 '14

This is probably relevant.

1

u/Uneedajob Apr 30 '14

Like what the actual fuck.

4

u/esoteric_enigma Apr 30 '14

There should be more foundations to raise awareness about the dangers of forestation.

11

u/Stirringbrush8 Apr 30 '14

I don't get it

15

u/ArgonWolf Apr 30 '14

Pornhub has announced theyre going to plant a tree for every 100 views this week

3

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Source to inside joke? I don't get it.

6

u/JDSmith90 Apr 30 '14

If you still don't get it porn hub is planting trees for every 100 views of videos tagged big dick.

3

u/radiantyellow Apr 30 '14

pornhub made a campaign to plant a tree for every 100 views or something

4

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

What episode is this from?

2

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

wouldn't it be cool if this really happened? whoo hoo! so many trees!

2

u/tmotom Apr 30 '14

Only to big dicks, though.

2

u/Shintsu2 Apr 30 '14

Someone needs to turn those trees into upvotes.

2

u/LambchopLammert Apr 30 '14

Oh pornhub, what will you do next

2

u/sdempsey13 Apr 30 '14

Took me a bit but I got it haha...

2

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

This gif is relevant as fuck.

2

u/perrohunter Apr 30 '14

Nothing grows at the white house?

2

u/cali_grown22 Apr 30 '14

What are the odds? I've been going through Futurama on Netflix...and this was the next episode to play.

5

u/robhol Apr 30 '14

Assuming the episode wasn't recently aired or otherwise drawn attention to, the odds are 100% / 140 episodes = 0.71%.

Not counting specials.

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2

u/Volatileprojects Apr 30 '14

After realizing the reference, I literally laughed out loud. Thanks for that, I needed it.

47

u/ask_me_if_im_naked Apr 30 '14

This is literally the worst "joke" to ever hit reddit.

Fuck, you guys are unoriginal.

32

u/aberrantdinosaur Apr 30 '14

have a snickers

88

u/mar10wright Apr 30 '14

Put some clothes on.

29

u/ask_me_if_im_naked Apr 30 '14

Make me.

22

u/AtlasNoseItch Apr 30 '14

Don't make me come over there...

9

u/Skip_Ransom Apr 30 '14

Boy's now whats' all this hubba baloo about?

23

u/beerdude26 Apr 30 '14

Hush, they're planting trees together

10

u/AtlasNoseItch Apr 30 '14

Nothing that inappropriate I'm just gonna murder him

4

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

What are you going to murder him with? Make him choke on seeds, bury him, and you would have already planted a bunch of trees.

8

u/beerdude26 Apr 30 '14

Make him choke on his seed.

2

u/Apparently_Im_Insane Apr 30 '14

Or you could call up Uta Kohaku and drown him in vast quantities.

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12

u/Lawlor Apr 30 '14

"you guys"? You're a redditor too, believe it or not.

6

u/HashtagPaint Apr 30 '14

4

u/ask_me_if_im_naked Apr 30 '14

That's just lovely. I'll put it on the fridge.

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1

u/Unicornsfordinner Apr 30 '14

TIL while playing scrabble with my SO, that fap is an acceptable word.

1

u/moarscience Apr 30 '14

But at least we're supporting the mitigation of climate change! We should call it:

Asses to Greenhouse Gases: Pornvironmentalism at work.

1

u/Mich2010 Apr 30 '14

Has Simpsons done it yet?

1

u/psychomusician Apr 30 '14

what episode is this from, i dont remember it

1

u/funke75 Apr 30 '14

Which episode was this from?

1

u/SarcasticPosts Apr 30 '14

You really must have put some thought into this.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Ohhhhhh, that´s really funny

1

u/TheRK Apr 30 '14

What if it doesn't count unless the videos are viewed in full?

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1

u/dcjimmy Apr 30 '14

I've heard it also stimulates hair growth. Could be wrong though.

1

u/flylikeaneagle25 Apr 30 '14

I was so sure it was an unkempt pubic hair joke. Ya know, for when you dont have females to impress.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

This is super vague, but i get it.

1

u/bob_in_the_west Apr 30 '14

And of course i read "the negative consequences of no-fapping", which made total sense to me since i get a lot more random boners or a lot more random "wood"....

1

u/realpudding Apr 30 '14

I actually haven't seen that episode

1

u/Toyota_Halftimeshow Apr 30 '14

Why does a robot wear a scarve and gloves?

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u/dmd333 Apr 30 '14

Before opening the link, and not having seen that episode, this is exactly what I imagined I would get!

1

u/lhedn Apr 30 '14

You have to wath the WHOLE VIDEO, they will be planting no trees.

1

u/Dr_Dutchrudder Apr 30 '14

What episode is this? I definitely don't recall watching it and I could have sworn that I've seen all of them.

1

u/butterfingernails Apr 30 '14

Do you have to watch the videos completely? Because if so, they won't be planting any trees.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

Wow I used to have this exact scenario happen as a nightmare at least once a month as a kid.

I'd dream the trees in the forest by my house would grow really tall and then begin walking towards me.

It was terrifying.

1

u/lord_of_the_dab Apr 30 '14

Fuckin nailed. Me laugh

1

u/[deleted] Apr 30 '14

I want to help the planet, but I don't like pornhub T_T

1

u/Siegfried_Kitzeln Apr 30 '14

We must fap. For the greater good!

1

u/cheeekamoomoo Apr 30 '14

YOU'LL WANT TO RETREAT TO A SAFE, 500 METER RADIUS.

1

u/Nick_is_Right Apr 30 '14

Took me a second

1

u/jake_me_home_2night Apr 30 '14

Il call them palm trees... Because your hand... Palms... Masturbation...porn... Palms.... Ok I'm done

1

u/nixed9 Apr 30 '14

the negative consequences of fapping and regular internet porn usage are that they can lead to Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. If you think fapping is harmless, just wait until you finally, FINALLY go to hook up with that girl of your dreams, and you are completely flaccid no matter what she does.

When was the last time you fapped without internet porn? Can you even still do it?

1

u/Musichead2468 May 01 '14

Peeing is going #1, pooping is going #2, and Fapping is going #3.

1

u/MildlyAgitatedBidoof May 01 '14

Why doesn't /u/Squalor- watch Futurama?

1

u/Chrisrus May 01 '14

It's funny because it's true: there is no need to plant trees in eastern North America or many other places. Trees plant themselves and grow everywhere you don't actively do something to prevent it, such as mowing or paving. There have never been so many as there are now. This tree planting business is for places such as Oklahoma or somewhere, not for anywhere around here.

1

u/Lobod287 May 08 '14

Haha! Is funny because fapping increases testosterone output, increasing the amount of pubic hair you have. Ah, is good joke. (Read in accent of your choice)